Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just wondered, who on here has moved away and why, after coming out as trans? What are the right or wrong reasons to move away?

I am thinking of moving away (with my mum), once my treatment re-starts....

These are the reasons I want to move away:

Can't see family because 'one person' is stopping me seeing them. They are doing what she - their mum wants - even though they say they are supporting me,
They don't understand that I am going to change totally,
My family think, if the family members who don't want anything more to do with me, want to see me in three years time, it will be all ok
Family who don't want to see me (who live near me) think I will still look and be Simon in three years

In some ways, that's kinda how most of my family thinks. They think that I will stay the same and probably change my mind, but obviously not going to happen. Nevertheless, they are undeterred.

Anyway, I still technically live with my parents, I like to say that I have moved away. Last year, I came out in February and except for a few instances along the way, I still presented male. It wasn't until August when I moved to college all the way on the other side of the country that I finally presented female. And as I have started my transition at college and remade myself, I can say that I certainly do not think of my family's town as "home."
So it is kinda heartbreaking being back. No matter what, my family has continued to treat me as male as well as misgender and misname me. Some still won't acknowledge the fact that I have changed physically and emotionally. In some ways, I moved away for the chance of starting anew with people who should not have anything against you.

I'm struggling with this decision myself. It's mainly family that makes me want to mysteriously need to move to a state clear across the country "for work" and there's so many of them in this area, I can't even just move to the other side to avoid them. On the other hand, I have friends that I'm out to in the area that I really enjoy hanging out with. Unfortunately they happen to live right smack in family central (same town).

I only have a positive spin because I will HAVE to move. Sometimes its best for the sake of certain family members and friends that they not have to face up to this in their community where you have been perceived and accepted as M or F, its akward for some and outright unacceptable for others. Even close friends may find it shocking and would depend on your community. Moving can be a great blessing - a great opportunity as there are no pre- concieved gender issues and you can be what you. We have all moved from one location to another - for school, work etc and we have all  found new friends and happiness. I dont want to upset my friends tranquil life and its not for me to impose my morals on them.

I grew up in a small rural town in the 1950s and 60s and everybody knew there was something "odd" about me but there wasn't even a term for it then. My Dad was inclined to just let me be but my mom fought me tooth and nail every step of the way  - hormones, therapy, etc. - and when SRS became available (1974) my mom said she would disown me and I was banished from my home town if I went through with it - I did - I had to! And I was banished and disowned. I left  24 years  of life behind, all my friends, all my relatives, and left with  only a suitcase.

It was an advantage, in some ways, to make a clean start after SRS, to start over where nobody knew me but it was also hard to do it with NO support, nobody to talk to, nobody to rely on, but I made it, through good times and bad. I only saw my parents twice after that, both times for a one-day visit, and it took 10 years to reconnect with my sister (our mom kept us apart until we figured out her game). I hoped that one day my mom would relent but she never did.

It took me 10 years to realize that my mom had NO RIGHT to make decisions for other people by banishing me and I started reconnecting with people from my past, letting THEM make the decision whether or not they wanted anything to do with me, and some of them did; a few old friendships were reestablished. Many years had gone by and connections had faded but I found most accepted me for who I am today. Nobody was particularly surprised - the most common comment was "It took you long enough  to figure it out!" LOL!

Don't make the mistake I did in allowing "one family member" to make decisions for everybody!!!

It seems, I will be separating my relationship and find myself a small room somewhere else in the city. My partner finally made a sensible decision so that she stays in our apartment with our daughter and cat, we finish paying out our mortgage - which is not much left and then think what to do with that apartment - sell it, leave it as future investment for our daughter or... At least, that would be the least traumatising experience for kid and cat, besides perhaps my partner will cool down a bit... If she will find herself a decent guy, so be it, otherwise she is damn set on not turning "lesbian", which she firmly believes she would become if she continues our relationship. I know this is BS, but that is the way she thinks and I seem to be unable to change her mind whatever I do... I am killing her "beloved guy", the person she knew, and I am a monster in her eyes. The fact that that "guy" had zero emphaty and emotions - pretty much average male person, whereas I am loving, caring, forgiving and all around very cute girl, who is also possibly the modest person on the world as well :P - that does not matter.

I'm moving to another country to be with my partner soon, so I guess that's a happy coincidence. I would only come out after that, and if my relations are strained because of it, then I guess it will be easier to deal with from 1000 miles away. I'm also lucky in that my surgical "transition" will be invisible to everyone but me, and that I do not plan to change myself or my presentation much beyond that. I can't imagine that I would get disowned over a name change and hysterectomy (and possibly new pronouns, idk), but sometimes you just can't fully predict some people's reactions.

Quote from: Northern Jane on June 25, 2013, 05:51:49 AMDon't make the mistake I did in allowing "one family member" to make decisions for everybody!!!

NJ, what happened to your dad ?

My Dad was a wonderful, kind, and gentle man, my defender and protector until I was 16 but that meant being at odds with my mom so, at 16, he told me I was on my own. He could only talk to me when he was alone or else be in Dutch with mom so I had very little contact with him after I was disowned. Mom always had health problems so I figured she would die first and I would have a chance to reunite with my Dad but that didn't happen - he died first and mom didn't even tell me until after the funeral. They are both gone now so it is water under the bridge.

Quote from: Northern Jane on June 28, 2013, 04:05:12 PM
My Dad was a wonderful, kind, and gentle man, my defender and protector until I was 16 but that meant being at odds with my mom so, at 16, he told me I was on my own. He could only talk to me when he was alone or else be in Dutch with mom so I had very little contact with him after I was disowned. Mom always had health problems so I figured she would die first and I would have a chance to reunite with my Dad but that didn't happen - he died first and mom didn't even tell me until after the funeral. They are both gone now so it is water under the bridge.

So sorry for you. Maybe i should reconcile with my alcoholic dad, before he drinks himself to death. Maybe i shouldn't, because he's a bastard.

Quote from: Northern Jane on June 28, 2013, 04:05:12 PM
My Dad was a wonderful, kind, and gentle man, my defender and protector until I was 16 but that meant being at odds with my mom so, at 16, he told me I was on my own. He could only talk to me when he was alone or else be in Dutch with mom so I had very little contact with him after I was disowned. Mom always had health problems so I figured she would die first and I would have a chance to reunite with my Dad but that didn't happen - he died first and mom didn't even tell me until after the funeral. They are both gone now so it is water under the bridge.

That's awful, I wouldn't wish that kind of estrangement on my worst enemy.

Walking away fro family may sometimes seem like the only way out for a lot of people, but I say that, if it isn't unbearable, to at least try and be on speaking terms with family. It's not that often that parents pass without children being left wanting in some way.

Indiana is not a fabulous place to be trans, and my mom's house was an even less fabulous place, so I moved my butt 800 miles to the east and planted myself in Rhode Island a couple years after coming out as trans.

The move turned out to be a good decision. In the time since the move, my transition has progressed in leaps and bounds that never would have been possible back in Indiana-- in two short years, I've gotten my legal name and gender ammended and have been on testosterone for over a year, now. Meanwhile, my relationship with my mom has only managed to fall apart move, so I'm relieved I got out when I did.

My dad and brother are coming to Rhode Island to visit me, this fall, so I do still have some awesome, supportive family. They're just a bit far away, because RI is a much more welcoming place for me.

I have decided to move away. My mum says she will come with me m. What i want to ask is, as i have family members who just think its wearing ladies clothes or having an OP downstairs, would it be stupid to come back, when ive transitioned, had SRS and FFS, and my voice changed? Ok they have f***ed me off 10 months ago, but i want them to understand ill never be Simon again, like they thought i would always be.

Quote from: bethanyjadefowell on June 30, 2013, 03:55:56 AM
I have decided to move away. My mum says she will come with me m. What i want to ask is, as i have family members who just think its wearing ladies clothes or having an OP downstairs, would it be stupid to come back, when ive transitioned, had SRS and FFS, and my voice changed? Ok they have f***ed me off 10 months ago, but i want them to understand ill never be Simon again, like they thought i would always be.

I say your moving away is a smart idea. i just did the same thing not long ago at all and its awesome. now as far as going back down the road i say why not? i mean people do change so by then i would think they would mellow out some. i know a few people i use to know did mellow out. others not so much but you will always have family to jump n at that point and correct there behavior ;)

But do I tell them (before they see me) that I have changed totally or just turn up and let them see for themselves?

Quote from: bethanyjadefowell on June 30, 2013, 11:31:11 AM
But do I tell them (before they see me) that I have changed totally or just turn up and let them see for themselves?

hum... thats hard to say. when i went to my moms family reunion i did text a few people and let them know that i had changed and required some southern hospitality. and that approach actually worked very well. they judt kinda looked at me at first like huh? wow. and then they were just like hey cuz nice to see you. let me pull the chair out for you. a few were a little rough with me at first but the others pulled them to the side and told them to stop and treat me like a lady and leave the rest to god. i say you could try that approach

Quote from: bethanyjadefowell on June 30, 2013, 03:55:56 AM
would it be stupid to come back, when ive transitioned, had SRS and FFS, and my voice changed?

There was an episode of that 90s show "Just Shoot Me" where david spade has a friend who gets a sex change. She's played by Jennie Garth. She moves away and then comes back and is knock out gorgeous and admits she always had a crush on her friend.

This prolly actually happens alot. I have a friend I grew up with and only recently lost touch with like last year and have known since forever so that is like 26 years and we've been thru a lot together. I often wonder what he would say in a couple years. Well what he would say NOW. My other friend who I saw the other day said he was surprised but not exactly shocked.

I am currently seeing a therapist to learn how to just talk about being trans. Once I'm confident I can talk about it to someone without stumbling, repeating, and feeling like I'm, well, a freak just for admitting this to myself, and I have learned how to at least cope with being trans, I'll be sitting my wife down to talk. I'm hopeing this happens some time in the next few months.

After that, and if the conversation goes well? Honestly? Unless something changes, not much is going to happen for a while. I'm in college and unemployed due to the fact that during the school year I don't have time to work as I'm going to class and doing homework full time, and during the summer we simply live so far away from anything that by the time I pay for daycare for our daughter and for fuel, I don't make enough to make it worth working. I live in a very concervative part of the country, and worse, in a small town (and by small, I mean less than 500 people. I've seen high schools with more people than this town). I don't feel I can transition successfully or safely where I live due to legal and social issues, even if my wife is fully accepting.

Given how little support I have here, I don't even want to think about what would happen if it goes badly. Either way, I'll be moving.

Well one of my cousins thinks, me moving away is for the best. But when I said, me moving away will be good for me. Her reply was "but its not about you, it's about your mum".

Sorry, but, I thought she understood what I was doing and why. Not nice when you have a family member, trying to say that I should go on my own (even though my mum want's to come with me).

My cousin said, how will my mum cope on her own? But for the last 10 months she has had to, as the family think, because they are ok with my gender change, we don't have to talk about it anymore.

The only one that is there for me in my family is my mum!!

Mom: "either he goes or I go"
Dad: "son you have to go"

and I was thrown out...I was 13 years old....

Many years later with a back pack in my back and a few thousand dollars in my pocket I found my self to America...I actually got invited to come LOL

Both of my parents are gone -with no glory or pain- but I remain very close to my ever supportive sis and the friends I left behind...

I made a good life in America, kids, and wonderful career, and many lovers and dear friends..life is good...I am winning

Quote from: peky on July 06, 2013, 11:35:03 AM
Mom: "either he goes or I go"
Dad: "son you have to go"

and I was thrown out...I was 13 years old....

I understand what that feels like but I was 24. The conversation was about SRS

Me : I HAVE to go - I have been suicidal for years!
Mom: It would be better if you killed yourself.

I went and got disowned.

My mom was the one who lost the most. I did well for myself and became the kind of daughter she could have been EVER so proud of. Instead, she never knew me.

That how I feel. Once I go my family will have lost the most. Don't think I'll come back, because, who will come back? It will be a female that none of my family will even know. But that is something that my family doesn't understand.

Wow you all make me feel lucky. I moved because I met my gf online, she came and stayed with me for a while, then I moved 3 states over to be with her. I had two duffel bags and a bus ticket, one way, heh. Best decision of my life. Thanks to her I was able to discover my gender and be myself. Before her, everyone else I was with told me they wouldn't accept me. So yes, I moved far away, but not because I needed to escape my family. Actually my dad, aunt, and grandma are all very supportive. My mom is hurt but she doesn't want to lose me. m not sure how she'll take me being on hormones, but i know everyone else won't care.

I picked up and moved to California to start transitioning once my partner of three years left me once I made the decision....I thought it would be a more accepting place than Ohio and I was basically homeless anyway.  I moved in with a sympathetic friend and fellow drug addict.  She helped me get started on HRT and we spent most of a year watching me change having adventures and getting high or tripping almost daily.  Her life started falling apart...and mine too.  LA county was actually more hostile toward my gender identity in the almost year I spent there on HRT than the two years prior I spent crossdressing full time in rural Ohio.

Needless to say it wasn't the best idea.  I did help my friend through a lot of her childhood abuse and rape traumas, and in return she helped me afford hrt, but in many ways we weren't good for each other.  I left California after things started getting bad...I made a lot of enemies wandering the streets of Lancaster high on dope and sticking my nose where it didn't belong and playing vigilante.

I moved to rural Oklahoma with a broken rib and a broken spirit to work as a farmhand for room and board....

I have grown a lot in the year since...I fell in love with the farmer's daughter, am in a loving committed relationship for the first time in my life, and she will be giving birth to our child in september.  I still do drugs and drink occasionally, but very very infrequently.  I've started eating again and work on the farm....I imagine I will be here the rest of my life, and I and my partner will one day inherit these nineteen acres to raise our child on and eventually hand it down to the next generation.

So, first move.....probably a bad idea in hindsight......but the second was the best decision of my life and it wouldn't have occurred without the first, so.....no regrets