Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm relatively new to Susan's, but I've known I'm trans for a while now. I am planning on coming out tonight to my mom, because my brothers are busy & my sister has a TV show to watch.
So i'm planning on coming out somewhat like this:
She's going to be lying on bed, probably on her cell phone. So I'm going to make her promise not to tell anyone about this thing that I've wanted to talk to her about. (If she happens to say no, then I can just drop it, and maybe come up with it later, but that's NOT likely at all.)
Then I don't exactly know what to say, so that's where you fine people from Susan's get to help. Do you have any suggestions? My mom is really supportive and I had mentioned the gay community when we had heard it on the radio, she seemed like she was indifferent about them, not at all hostile, that's a good start, i think ? She's born in Poland, and I think they're less trans-phobic than Americans. I think
Thank you all so much. I'll check back here in about an hour.
-Eddie

Good luck, Eddie. 
All the advice I have is, try to understand not just yourself, but your mother's situation. Think about what she's going through and try to be sympathetic.

Thanks, Zoe.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you come out to your parents?

Quote from: ZoeM on June 26, 2013, 10:08:25 PM
Good luck, Eddie. 
All the advice I have is, try to understand not just yourself, but your mother's situation. Think about what she's going through and try to be sympathetic.

That's true.  After days of dealing with confusion and anger from family, I can tell you trying to assuage concerns is better than fighting.  Still, it's not always easy and some situations leave you nowhere to progress.

The best thing you can do is be honest about your situation and let them know what you are going through.  After that, try to be understanding and educate your mom, to the best of your ability, on what being trans is like.  Let her know that she isn't losing you and that you will remain the same person.  Her child will always be there.  Remember all this takes time.  My coming out has been a continuous battle from day one.  I have to repeat the same things over and over again.  So I agree with Zoe on trying to be understanding with your mother's reaction, even if it is not what you want.  You need to show compassion even when you are shown ignorance and hatred. It will save you both a lot of heartache and will allow you to win her over eventually. 

I wish you lots of luck.

Thanks for the support, all of you. To be honest, i think that the only trans person my mom knows about is Chaz Bono, and I never brought up the subject with her, because it was never possible in a casual way.
-Eddie

Well, I came out, and so I'll tell what happened.
It was just my mom & I at home, my sister was already asleep. It was around 10:30. I was talking with my mom in her room, & then I mentioned that I had been wanting to talk to her about something for a long time, but could you keep it a secret? She agreed, and I proceed to try, & fail, & try, & fail, & try again, but I just couldn't do it. She said that no matter what, she would always love me. And me being soooooo good with words (Sarcasm), I just asked if she knew who Chaz Bono is. She said yes, and we where quit for a minute. Then I asked: "Can you guess what this is about?" and she rightly guessed, I want to be a girl. She took it very well, actually. She just said some things like "Oh its probably nothing, just a phase." Which i replayed by saying something like "That has lasted all my life. . . ?" She then retorted with saying "Can you give me a few examples? I never noticed anything feminine about you" So then i proceed to list things, just a few, it went something like "Remember when i was really small, I wanted my fingers painted? but you always told me dad would get angry, so you never did?" & other related. She then said, Chris (my brother) had gone through the same thing as a child, but got over it. I continued to say that it was only for a year, whereas mine has been apparent to me for the past 3 years, although i just branded myself weird. We stopped talking then, and just sat there. The radio was on, and it was talking about the California gay marriage thing, and she just asked: "Maybe you'r just gay? How do you feel about sexual orientation?" I replied with something more or less like "Uh, no. There's a difference, and I know. Its hard to explain, but I just kind of know."
After a bit of silence & sipping tea, she agreed to get me to a Gender Therapist. We didn't specify the When, but it went better than I could have hoped for!
;D
SO HAPPY!
-Eddie

Congratulations on your mom's relaxed responses :D  And her allowing you to see a therapist.

I don't know how you have the courage to say something like that in person. I was never able to.

Well it was that or waiting another 2-4 years (not sure how old is min. age to move out) before starting to see a therapist
But my dad & siblings are going to be another issue. I have NO idea where my dad stands on this whole thing. My siblings will probably not support me, but then you never know. they're full of surprises.

EDIT: About 3 hours later, i can't go to sleep. my stomach is still all butterflies. looks like a sleepless night for me...

I know what you mean about sleep. I made the mistake of sending an email to my dad just as I was wanting to go to sleep. Sleep didn't happen. Until I forced myself to check 3 hours later in a groggy state wondering what he'd say. Turned out fine, but still.

Quote from: smile_jma on June 27, 2013, 02:20:11 AM
I know what you mean about sleep. I made the mistake of sending an email to my dad just as I was wanting to go to sleep. Sleep didn't happen. Until I forced myself to check 3 hours later in a groggy state wondering what he'd say. Turned out fine, but still.

Wait, you EMAILED your dad !? I always thought that was bad, because you cant answer them face to face. Cell phone at LEAST for me. But thats just my family. we all condemn the use of SnailMail (unless for birthday cards over long distances and such) & other such things like Email.
Just a thought.
but yeaaaaaaah, probably should have waited for morning or something.
THanks for posting
-Eddie

It is nice to hear that things went so smooth with Your mother. At least, I am sure You feel relieved from Your burden now and can freely talk with her about You wishing to be a girl. Just please remember that while Your burden is off, she has now received some information which she has to digest, because ummm I think she has a lot of things to think over now. Be kind with her and dont let her get ideas that she was bad mother because she did not notice that before - mothers do tend to take things very very personal. But anyway she is Your mother and ultimately she will accept You for what You are! :)

And sorry, I just could not resist, but - THIS IS PRICELESS

Quote from: EdekStaszek on June 27, 2013, 12:57:35 AM
She just said some things like "Oh its probably nothing, just a phase." Which i replayed by saying something like "That has lasted all my life. . . ?" She then retorted with saying "Can you give me a few examples? I never noticed anything feminine about you" So then i proceed to list things, just a few, it went something like "Remember when i was really small, I wanted my fingers painted? but you always told me dad would get angry, so you never did?" & other related. She then said, Chris (my brother) had gone through the same thing as a child, but got over it. I continued to say that it was only for a year, whereas mine has been apparent to me for the past 3 years, although i just branded myself weird.

No offence indended, but it is so typical that it hurts... My mother said exactly the same things and exactly in the same order, except she had already forgotten all those examples I gave her. And I have read countless other stories where those questions were asked...

Yes, email. We don't talk much anyway and I just don't have the balls to have told them with my mouth.

Quote from: Sammy on June 27, 2013, 02:36:07 AM
It is nice to hear that things went so smooth with Your mother. At least, I am sure You feel relieved from Your burden now and can freely talk with her about You wishing to be a girl. Just please remember that while Your burden is off, she has now received some information which she has to digest, because ummm I think she has a lot of things to think over now. Be kind with her and dont let her get ideas that she was bad mother because she did not notice that before - mothers do tend to take things very very personal. But anyway she is Your mother and ultimately she will accept You for what You are! :)

And sorry, I just could not resist, but - THIS IS PRICELESS
No offence indended, but it is so typical that it hurts... My mother said exactly the same things and exactly in the same order, except she had already forgotten all those examples I gave her. And I have read countless other stories where those questions were asked...

Thank you, I am giving my mom as much time as she needs, and I don't want to drown her in a tidal wave of information, I'll let her digest it, then when she starts asking questions, I can just answer.
My main problem is that when I talk to people about something important, then my mind turns entirely blank. Which is why i do so terribly on quizzes/tests.
She seemed skeptical about it though, because I am always keeping to myself, I rarely do much social activities, she thinks I've been locked in my room playing video games recently
Wrong.

To Smile_jma:
Hmm, what time did you send it to him? 4am? Or do you live in different time zones?
Probably the ladder

Thanks for your input you two!
-Eddie
PS:
Sammy: Your mom said the SAME THINGS? weird.... haha, well, I guess they all have the same initial responses. . . ?
Smile_jma: Congratulations on your 100th post!

Quote from: EdekStaszek on June 27, 2013, 02:26:31 AM
Wait, you EMAILED your dad !? I always thought that was bad, because you cant answer them face to face.

I emailed my entire family. Admittedly, I only have five siblings and a mom, but still.
It was easier for me because I couldn't be interrupted. I had time to word things the way I wanted (which is really, really good, because the first draft of my email was, "Hey, I'm trans*, peace."), and it gave them time to digest it at their own pace. (Not that my oldest sister did, but she did eventually apologize.)

Anyway, just my two cents. Email/letters aren't always bad. :)

Well, i guess that's true.
Not i'm my case, of course, it works differently for everybody.
For Example:
If i where to have Emailed my Mom, & dad, then my mom might not be as pleasant as she was tonight. She prefers face-to-face.
As for my dad, well I don't know how he would / will act when I come out to him.
Thanks for your input! (or "two cents" as you called it :D)
-Eddie

The latter. I emailed at 11pm where I am, it was ~7am where he is. I could've waited until I woke up, as it'd still be daytime there, but...still don't have the balls to do it :)   I told my mom through text...

Yay! 101!  :P

Its surprising how Off - Topic you can get when chatting with others.... But its fun!
-Eddie

Haha...you should check out a car forum. Many times 1 person asks a question, someone replies something kind of related, and then the next person asks a question about the 2nd posters car, not even relating to the original question. Those get out of hand.


As I mentioned in another post, though, parents can be surprising (in a good way) in more ways than you could expect.

Quote from: smile_jma on June 27, 2013, 03:44:46 AM
Haha...you should check out a car forum. Many times 1 person asks a question, someone replies something kind of related, and then the next person asks a question about the 2nd posters car, not even relating to the original question. Those get out of hand.


As I mentioned in another post, though, parents can be surprising (in a good way) in more ways than you could expect.

Okay 2 things.
1) I've never been to a car fourm.
2) I completely agree
Thanks,
-Eddie

I have to roam the forums for my job...

My mom, while I knew she'd be OK with me, has kind of done more than what I would've expected her to do. Besides the fact that I started the meds without them knowing (so they didn't have a choice) she's been learning herself about the issue, instead of taking it at face value and just reading news articles (which I think a lot of parents do), goes to a support group of other parents who's children are T, has bought me a plane ticket to come back and go to a conference for trans folk, has asked me about my name, and when to start calling me she/her, etc. It's kind of overwhelmingly involved sometimes. I'm like, chill. It's not a fast process. Still looking/sounding like a guy, you shouldn't call me female pronouns.

My dad, on the other hand...is kind of, whatever. I'm your dad, you're my kid.

~

I hope all goes well with you.

Hmm, I hope that my mom doesn't go overboard with this stuff. Now that I think about it, I could imagine her at one of thoes protests for trans people, & leading everyone with a sign saying something on it.
Not that that's bad, of course not.
But its kind of scary now that I think about it.
I think my dad may be the same way.
Anywho, thanks for the input!
-Eddie

Interesting turn of events...
Today when I woke up (early, despite my 4 hours of sleep) my mom was the only other one awake.
We talked a little, then she started again about how she thinks it's a phase, and how Oscar (my cousin in Poland) is kind of like me, but not gay/trans.
I don't really blame her, Because I don't exactly have any "Proof" that I'm trans, other than that i can just tell. I mean - I never really told anyone about it, I never expressed my self, I never chose any kind of clothes that would give myself away.
Well that last part isn't exactly true. The closest I've come to wearing something "girly" is Uni-sex clothes. (I hate how boys wear basically 3 colors)
And I've read (a while ago) that parents like to think they know their kids better than they do. Well that's a big no.
So, do you, fine people of Susans, have any tips about what I should do? She's really skeptical, & thinks that I don't know what I'm talking about.
She also claims to have done research, & found that kids my age often feel this way, but my question is have they felt this way since the.... Uh.... Well I'm not really sure when. (I'll call it around 4th-5th grade I've had urges to wear women's clothes, which, unfortunately, I've never done)
But I digress.
How do I tell my mom I'm sure I'm trans. when I don't really have any proof?
-[Undecided]

PS: What would you people recommend for a new name, My name is Eddie (currently) Should it be something related (Ede, or something related. I always liked names ending in -ette for some reason.) or something completely different? (Not relating to E at all)I've also been wanting to keep the E, because I know very few people with a first name starting with E.

Am I the only one replying to you now? Ha... OK..

It's hard to convince someone you're trans with no previous clues. That was the case with my parents. When I told them the first time they didn't believe me so I stopped talking about it with them until recently (after I had started).

The only think I could think of is just start doing things..little things around the house. At least start around the house if you don't feel comfortable in public.  I started feeling different in 2nd grade. Maybe kindergarten, but I don't remember that age too well. It's not your job to PROVE you're what you are. It's what you are. You can always come back with "how did you know you're straight? You just knew" comment, but that doesn't really get you anywhere...

About the name... I was going to say Bernadette because of the ette, but then you like "...Erin? I don't really know of any good E names with ette at the end...

Learn to live with the idea that you will never have absolute proof. It just doesn't work that way.

In almost all cases the little incidents that happened while you were a child, the ones that are so often referred to, are indeed all things that can happen to any other child too. Ditto for things that happened later in your life. You dreamt of being in the opposite gender? Yeah, there's lots of non-trans people who have had such dreams. Played with stuff that's "officially" not for you? Heck, many boys play with dolls and many girls with trucks.

What makes it different is not really what you did, it's what you felt. It's the synthesis of your actions and your feelings that can give you, and only you, the conviction that you are trans. As we are really good at deceiving ourselves, there are gatekeepers, and while there are many, many issues with them, they are still there for a reason. But all this makes it very hard to ever prove it to others. Heck, while there seemingly are differences in brain structures, the variance among human beings is greater than that difference; i.e. you'd need a "guaranteed non-trans" identical twin to really prove it by comparing brain scan results. No easy way out here.

Not sure about others, but I myself didn't want to be trans; I actively hoped I wasn't. I went to the therapist thinking that she could give me a simple yes or no answer, ironically we do tend to seek the binary in situations like that. Of course she could not and would not do that, but reflecting on it helped me come to terms with myself, and it so happens that I am trans, so there. The best way I convinced people was simply by being myself: the remarks of how much happier I am these days, how peaceful I seem; all those serve so much better in getting them to accept me than anything I could ever say.

Well it's tricky here. Have you ever looked up the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief?
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

It applies not just to death but to any big sudden change in life. Your mom is just starting "denial" from the sound of it. She will eventually move through all the stages and finally accept the change for better or worse in our relationship. That said it gets complicated. People can revisit the steps, try to take them out of order, or get stuck on one. My wife is bordering acceptance but is still depressed and angry at times. This is normal.

You need to stick to your decision if you are sure about this and try to make yourself emotionally strong. That is the proof. And that will eventually help your family move to acceptance where they will hopefully be supportive. Try your trusted friends too. I found most of mine didn't even bat an eye once they got over the disbelief. Now I have people to talk to who don't talk to me about how badly transgender are treated and what will happen to my family. They just support me and check in on me regularly. Give it a go when you get the confidence built up. Until then stick to your beliefs.

Thanks all. I've been pretty busy recently, and will be for another few days, so very few posts from me coming up :(
So, I guess that I'll just have to go to the therapist & hope that that convinces my mom.
Semi-Related
Anyways, I just had a (unexpected) great thing happen, I am currently out at my Grandma's house, where no one knows me, so as I went on my bike past the park, a group of boys where saying (really loud) "Is that a boy or a girl?"
My sister looked really angry & looked like she was going to turn around & yell at them, but I told her to leave it, but I was really happy. I was just dressed in my usual Uni-sex clothing, so that's.... Nice. It means that I should have no trouble passing (...?)
Anyways, back to Smile_jma.
Brenadette doesn't sound bad.... I like how it sounds when you say it. But like you said, there really arn't too many E....ette names.
Thanks all, for your replies!
-[Undecided]

"How do I tell my mom I'm sure I'm trans. when I don't really have any proof?"
Based on what you've shared it sounds like you and I are in a pretty similar boat. I'm feminine compared to other guys, but not really in an overt way (although I do stand wicked feminine... :P). As everyone else has said I guess it's just something you FEEL. Like you I've felt it for a while. You mentioned wanting to dress like a girl, and I actually crossdress quite often in private. The thing is, it's not like I grew up wanting to play with Barbie dolls, or something like that... To me my feelings are beyond "do I apply to a particular stereotype?". I like comics and politics (I want to major in Political Science in fact :P) both of which I would say are stereotypically "masculine" things (thinking of it as "superheros=the boy version of barbie dolls"). I have very recently (last week) come out to my parents with my feelings and they too briefly mentioned it being a phase... Definitely not as much as your mom appears to be however. I guess for me it's going to be a matter of seeing a therapist and getting things figured out, and once I've figured things out more clearly, well, then my parents won't really need "proof". By that time I'll know who I am and that will be that.
I'm not really sure of your personality, interests, nor do I feel the exact way you feel. But maybe if your mom says something like "you've never seemed girly or did girly things", say something like "I am who I am, like what I like, and do what I do because that's me; it's just that I feel like 'me' is a female." Again, I'm not sure at all if that's how you feel, but I suppose it could be helpful food for thought :)
best of luck! and remember that you have at least one other person going through the same exact thing as you are.