Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I apologize in advance if any part of this post strikes a nerve with readers.

I've known, pretty much always, that I am transgender. 

My childhood was littered with abusers (physically, emotionally, sexually).  I was r@ped by a stranger at 16.  I bore a son the following year & after struggling (with everything) for 6 months, ultimately placed him for adoption.

I had always planned to transition upon turning 18.  The reality was that by that age, I looked within myself & saw nothing but damage, anger, pain.  Recognizing my learned self destructive coping behaviors, I made the decision to postpone transition until I was emotionally ready to handle the daily struggles it brings.  I honestly doubt I would have survived *myself* if I had attempted it then.

The years have passed; I married a man, we bought a home, I owned a business, I am a college student. 

When we began discussing children, I vetoed adoption & IVF.  I am unwilling to pay the monetary cost for IVF.  Adoption; I am the product of step-parent adoption, my father is the product of closed adoption & my son is the product of an *open* adoption.  Adoption has brought a lot of pain and even more lies.  I was unwilling to open myself to the prospect of being (again) at the mercy of a broken system (USA).

In the end, that meant that I would have to gestate.  It was unpleasant, but temporary.  We have 2 daughters (age 3 & 2).

After the children came, I again found myself postponing transition.  In the beginning, life revolves around the needs of the child(ren).  As they have grown I find myself with time and energies to direct elsewhere. 

My husband; he is bisexual but a self described prude.  He has always been "in the closet" about his bisexuality.  Despite that, he has been very supportive of my decision to transition.  My worry, whether valid or not, is that my transition may push his comfort level too far too fast.  We have been working to keep communication open and honest, so any concerns on this end are generally relieved through discussion.

As for my children:  They are not the greatest linguists yet.  My 3 year old has only just recently begun to speak in whole sentences, though she still struggles a bit with mumbling.  The 2 year old, well, she'll get there. 

Recently the name and pronoun swap began in my daily life.  My friends struggle with it a bit but are trying.  My spouse is spot on.  :)  My girls, they call me Momma, Mom, or Mommy.  Initially I had a desire to attempt a forced change, as hearing those words causes tension within me.

Then I realized that their use of the term has absolutely zero to do with my gender right now.  When they hurt, they cry out for Mommy; their safety net that provides hugs, kisses & bandages.  When they fight, they cry out for Momma, their referee and savior.  When they have a physical need, they cry out for Mom; the provider of food, beverage & tub time.

To those of you with children, what do your children call you?  Do they use terms and pronouns for your post-transition gender or pre-transition?  Were they given a choice or did you make it for them?  Additionally, (if the choice was theirs) how do you feel about the outcome?

My worry is primarily directionless at the moment.  I am good at worrying, though it often serves no purpose except to consume time.

I'll bring this (ramble) to a close.  Any insight, feedback or advice offered is appreciated.  Thanks!  :)

My transition got put off until kids were out of school. They usually call me by my legal name although "mom " slips out now and then, mostly with the girls. Requesting teenagers to call me dad would  be way too much especially when their dads are dead, and not by natural causes. They don't live around me so the being called mom doesn't bother me as it could.

You're children are much younger and to them, your name is mom, not your your title.  I suggest choosing the word Dad in a language you rarely run into and have them use that. It will be accepted by strangers and kids alike. I have a friend (MtF) who did that and it has worked out well for them.

I'm currently mid-transition. My daughters (aged 15 & 12) aren't particularly accepting because... well, they're teenagers so everything I do is just soooooo lame & embarrassing. ;)

We've agreed between ourselves that they'll continue to call me Mum for the time being; as I start looking & sounding more & more male we'll have to review it. However, I've been presenting as male full-time for more than a year now, and it already seems a bit weird when they call me 'Mum' in public. They also mess up pronouns all the time and I'm pretty sure they're doing this deliberately as a form of teenage rebellion, to show their displeasure. So if you can find a way to change what your kids call you whilst they're young, I'd recommend doing that.

I couldn't possibly ask them to call me 'Dad' because that role is taken by their father. I was going to suggest 'Pops' or something similar. My kids suggested combining 'Mum' and 'Dad' to call me 'Mad', which is rather rude... but not as rude as the other suggestion they had, which was combining 'She', 'He' and 'It' make a popular and crude swear word.  >:(

My husband, on the other hand, just calls me 'kid'. He used to call me 'love' or 'babe', but he can't bring himself to do that any more. (You're lucky to have married a bisexual man. My husband is heterosexual and homophobic, so that's caused a major issue between us). :(

You mean they didn't combine mum and dad to get dum?!?

The words Mom & Dad has always been more inclusive in my life. 

I have a biological father & his now ex-wife who is also counted as one of my Moms.  A legal father (step parent adoption, though they divorced 4 years later) who is gay & his long term partner which I count as one of my Moms (which makes him VERY happy).  Then there's my biological mother & my step father.  I call all of them Mom or Dad when speaking to them & refer to them all by their first names when speaking of them to eliminate confusion with 3rd parties.

As a young adult I gained an additional Mom & Dad, through the bonds of love.  :)

I'm overflowing with parents, anyone want one?

FTMDiaries, it's not really a laughing matter, but, I got a HUGE laugh about the popular and crude swear word.

LordKAT, I will look into your suggestion about other languages.

Cool, whatever you choose to use, b sure to refer to yourself with that name, they will pick upon it quickly.  Just as you used to refer to your self as mom.  Instead of bring that to mom say bring that to *new name*. They will get it and be OK.

They learned Mommy, Mom & Mama from my husband, friends & family.  I have always referred to myself as I or me.  I understand what you mean though.  If I want them to use it, I will have to lead by example.

Exactly.  Good luck.

My journey was slightly different .... I am a step parent to two grown children ... I helped raise them since they were in grade school but they are grown now.  My son began transitioning about a year and half before me.  So, they were both very aware of gender names and such prior to me starting.  My kids have a dad ... he is still very active in their lives.  They call me pops or Buddy.  Funny thing - the one who messes up the most on my gender is my son whose transgender himself.

Robert, your son is FTM? I wonder why he'd mess up on pronouns the most. Maybe it's along the lines of thinking about it too much?

My step children are 3 months, 2 years & 3 years younger than I am.  (My husband is 20 years my senior.)  They have always called me Val, so I imagine it shouldn't be much of an issue for them to transition to Kyle.  ;)

The youngest step daughter has a 3 year old & she still struggles to accept that my 3 year old is her child's aunt.   >:-)  Ah, blended families...

My son is three and a half. He used to call me "tractor" and has lately been calling me "digger." I don't know what I want him to call me, so I let him choose.

Quote from: mikaelmackison on July 05, 2013, 05:27:06 PM
The youngest step daughter has a 3 year old & she still struggles to accept that my 3 year old is her child's aunt.   >:-)  Ah, blended families...

Haha, I hear ya there.  I have a niece that is 10 years older than me (actually she is exactly a month younger than my sister, haha).  This was my dad 3rd marriage and my mom's 2nd and my dad was 18 years older than my mom.  I have a sister that is 58...I'm 25 haha.  I have a great nephew that's like 15 or 16...I COMPLETELY get where you're coming from LOL 

My father is one of 5 and there is a 17 yr gap between his oldest sister and himself. She being the oldest and he the youngest. Couple that with the older siblings having children at a young age and my father waiting a bit the age gaps and groups are interesting to say the least.

What you have them call you is all up to you. I have used many terms for my father growing up. I have a rocky relationship with my father. We love one another, but we but heads a lot as well. I know that is just the nature of things. It is because of his feelings though that I cant transition and that I cant come out to him either. He just would not understand at all.

I do understand that your children call you mom because of the role you play. I have been watching children for a long time as well as growing up in day cares while  my parents worked. I have seen many women be called mom on accident because they fit that role to that child. They were just being to care taker that their own mother was. I have struggled with this as well. I being a biological male often get strange looks from parents when I watch their kids for the first time. I have had one child call me mom without thinking about it and that was nice and strange all at the same time. I of course corrected it and that was the only time. I was acting just like they expected a person with my role to act. Mom at that age is more a tittle than your name. There is nothing wrong with that though. Finding a new name for your title with your children is fine as well.

Quote from: randomroads on July 05, 2013, 04:49:30 PM
Robert, your son is FTM? I wonder why he'd mess up on pronouns the most. Maybe it's along the lines of thinking about it too much?

Yes, my step son is an FTM .... I imagine the reason he messed up the most was b/c I haven't seen him much the last couple years ... he lived out of state and was going through a phase of wanting to be completely independent and sort of distanced himself.  He only recently moved back ... about a month ago ..