Susan's Place Transgender Resources

An in-a-nutshell rundown of the situation (sorry it's so long-- believe it or not, this is the abridged version): 2 years ago, I moved out of my Mom's house and 800 miles away. We stayed in contact, and I visited a couple times a year for holidays. She has always been pretty luke-warm about my transition. She freaked out when I first came out about 4 years ago, then in the year and a half after I moved out, she slowly started to adjust. By last fall, we were back to being in regular contact and fairly close, as we had been when I was younger. It was great, because I had missed having my mom as an active and accepting part of my life! Needless to say, I was very excited about going to spend Christmas with her, her partner, and my brother.

...but then, at the end of what I thought was a fantastic week visiting family, I recieved the following e-mail from my mom:

QuoteDear [birth name],

Yes, I am aware that it is not the name you choose to go by. But are you aware that according to your current choices I am not your mother?  Not only have you chosen to change the name that tied you to our family, but you have also recently insisted that the memories I hold dear to my heart, and that formed the basis of my bond to you as your mother, must be denied to fit with your current identity as one who not only is not my daughter, but evidently is not my child. Thus I choose today to speak to my daughter whom I am mother to and whom I happen to love.

Last night during our family's Christmas dinner you voiced an objection to the concept that [brother] was asked to propose a toast as the man of the house. Your argument was that you were older and a male. I shall address each of these things separately.

First, to be the man if the house you must, if course, be male. You, my dear, were born with a vagina. That, by definition, makes you a female. However, beyond that, your physical appearance, your mannerisms, and your behavior are all so extremely feminine as to make the concept of calling you male nothing short of ridiculous. One can not possibly even consider you a somewhat masculine female. You are and have always been extremely feminine. When you begin to behave as a man, then perhaps others will find it less difficult to consider the possibility that you are a man trapped in a woman's body. However, at present going along with your wishes and calling you a man and using the pronouns he and him are on par with going along with a small child who insists that they are batman. And indeed, it is little different from your fantasy that you are a puppy. However, as you are an adult and not a small child, this is much more difficult for others to tolerate than they would a small child's fantasy play.

This brings me to the concept that you should be considered the man of the house because you are older than your brother. While it is true that you were in fact born three years before your brother, it cannot be said that you have more maturity. Your behavior this week has been hugely reminiscent of a four year old child in need of some serious discipline. Unfortunately, as an adult, you are no longer within my power to discipline. You have been disrespectful, rude, and extraordinarily childlike in virtually every interaction you have had during your visit this week. You have requested that we respect your choices. I can honestly say that I have given my best shot at attempting to understand and respect those choices, but I find that your choices involve letting go of every value and moral you were ever taught as a child. These values and morals were taught to you by me, your mother, because they were values and morals that I firmly believed to be important for a variety if reasons. The fact that you have opted to abandon them frightens me for your sake on a number if different levels, but it also sickens me as the opposite of values and morals would be immoral, self centered, disrespectful. Sadly, I find that your behavior demonstrates these things to me excruciatingly well, and leaves me unable to respect the decisions you have made for yourself. Respect is something that must be earned. My love I have and will always give freely. But my respect is something which you have lost in the course of your recent "choices." This saddens me hugely, for it is very difficult as a parent to find that the child you love with every inch of your being has grown into a person you cannot respect.  None-the-less, however hard it may be for me to come to grips with, the fact remains true. I love you dearly, but at present I am not able to respect you much at all, and I do not like not am I proud of the person you have become. You were, in fact, more mature as an actual four year old than you have become as an "adult."

You are find of blaming your behavior on Aspergers, but in fact that is not accurate for Aspergers cannot account for regression such as you have demonstrated in the recent past.    The one aspect that I would agree may be the Aspergers influence may be the fact that you are currently clearly in the midst of some serious obsessive fantasizing and that appear to be unable to separate these fantasies from reality. That much I would agree may be accentuating things at present. However, you have effectively tied my hands to help with the Aspergers so I cannot consider that a viable "excuse" for your behavior.

I do love you, in spite of all of this though, and pray that one day you will grow enough beyond all of this to see that in fact it is my love for you which has prompted me to finally be true not to the fantasies you currently insist to be truth, but to my own heart. I am here for you, should you EVER need or want me to be, but I cannot and will not attempt to support what I view as harmful or dangerous to the well being of those I love, even if they ask it of me as you are now. Thus while I can say that I can and will continue to offer you my love and my support for your well being, I can only do so as your mother.  I shall therefore follow my own heart as your mother. This means that to me, you shall be [birth name], my daughter. This is not what you want at present, but it is what is honest to myself. I hope that you can come one day to appreciate the love that is behind this act which I suspect you may see as an act of rejection in your current frame if mind but which is fact exactly the opposite.

Love Always,
Mom

Tl;dr version of that letter: "You're not a man, you're a whiny little girl!"

When I pressed for more details as to her sudden change of heart, it turned out that she had dug up my blog and discovered that in addition to being trans (which she already knew), I am also involved in the bdsm community and identify as polyamorous. She insisted that I was being brainwashed by my new "friends." When I told her my identity was my own choice, not something forced upon me by other people, she effectively disowned me and told me that if I wanted to live this lifestyle, I was no longer her child and she had no reason to continue paying for my phone (my last financial tie to her). So, like the whiny 4-year-old I apparently am, I calmly mailed my phone back to her and bought a phone and plan of my own.

Half a month later, I got a new follower on Tumblr... only to discover that it was my mom posting diary entries she wrote when I was a baby. Creeeepy.

A few weeks later, she e-mailed me to inform me that the blog was her birthday present to me (double creepy) and that she had changed her mind and decided I should keep the phone (an offer I turned down, having already gotten a new one) and that we should "compromise" by talking things out. I agreed to answer her questions if she could be civil about it. The e-mail Q&A session went on for a few weeks, but eventually dissolved into her equating my being trans/pansexual/poly/kinky/etc. to self harm and telling me that if I ever have kids, I will ruin their lives, so I gave up and stopped responding.

That was almost 4 months ago. In those 4 months, we haven't really had any actual conversations, but she periodically sends me e-mails or posts on my Facebook wall to say usually-mysterious things. She'll send me links to videos she thinks I'll like, respond to other people's posts on my wall, etc. When I got my appendix out, she responded to the Facebook announcement with a cryptic "Hmm" Recently, she posted a photo of my high school class ring on my wall with the caption "Howling to the moon..." (the ring has a wolf on it). At one point, she sent me an e-mail starting with "It would appear that you have stopped speaking to me, for reasons I am uncertain of."

Which brings me to my actual question: How should I respond?

She clearly isn't going to leave me alone, no matter what I do. She clearly isn't going to respect my life, no matter what I do. She just kind of lurks in the background of my life, making cryptic comments and feeling sorry for herself. Should I continue ignoring her? Should I confront her about it (as politely as possible) and let her know that she's being kind of creepy? Should I continue trying to work things out and hope she'll eventually get it, at the cost of my being perpetually emotionally exhbausted until she either gets it or gives up and properly disowns me?

This whole situation has been causing me a lot of anxiety and frustration. I feel guilty for not responding, but every time I respond, things just escalate and she starts guilt-tripping me about my life. I used to be very close to my mom, and since she has a lot of health issues, I'm kind of terrified that she'll be gone before I manage to fix things with her.

Has anyone else been internet stalked by an unaccepting family member? Or been through the "my parents can't decide if they're disowning me or not" ringer? If so, what did you do about it?

You've got a lot of strength--I see that in how you've managed to keep clear of ripping yourself to pieces too much from that really rejecting, hostile, angry letter from your mum.  The comments about Tumblr underscore that for me.  You're lucky in one important respect.  You have the power at the moment, to the extent that you're mum is doing quite a lot of chasing of you.  That's ephemeral power.  As soon as you reconnect, that's all gone, and then it's back to the battling, asserting, withdrawing, asserting, in the dance of family interactions.

What should you do?

Before I go there - I need to check something.  Do you want a relationship with your mum?  And what is it that you want from that relationship if you do?

Cheers
stav

Big hug! If it were me, I'd sever the ties, she needs time and distance to work through it. She gave you life, but she can't live it for you. Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Stav and Devlyn!

I was definitely not this calm about that letter while it was happening-- it's just that it happened about half a year ago, now, so I've had some time to regain my composure.

I would love to have my old relationship with my mom back, but I'm honestly not sure that's possible. I don't want a fake walking-on-eggshells relationship with her just for the sake of not losing her. If I'm going to rekindle my relationship with her, I want it to be a functional, respectful relationship like we had before I came out.

If that's not possible, I would rather just cut my losses and move forward with the family (my dad, brother, grandparents, and the chosen family I now live with) I still have. The problem is, I tried to cut my losses the first time she disowned me... and then she just came right back around like an internet-stalking boomerang that I can't get rid of!

QuoteLast night during our family's Christmas dinner you voiced an objection to the concept that [brother] was asked to propose a toast as the man of the house. Your argument was that you were older and a male. I shall address each of these things separately.

Probably not the best moment. You've also got to remember your brother in this situation - he's lived his whole life being the eldest son.
I agree that your mother seems to be acting creepy. But from her perspective, this is out of left field. While in a perfect world people would be accepted for their gender identity no matter how they present, it IS hard to shift to seeing someone as male when everything about them says the opposite.

QuoteHowever, beyond that, your physical appearance, your mannerisms, and your behavior are all so extremely feminine as to make the concept of calling you male nothing short of ridiculous. One can not possibly even consider you a somewhat masculine female. You are and have always been extremely feminine. When you begin to behave as a man, then perhaps others will find it less difficult to consider the possibility that you are a man trapped in a woman's body.

While you have a right to be treated as your gender, that doesn't make it easy for people to accept.
That doesn't excuse your mother's behavior, but I wonder if you were expecting too much, too soon, what with the man of the house toast and all.

To clarify the situation: Most of the things in that letter are pretty warped by my mom's brain and don't reflect reality very well.

I came out as trans 4 years ago. I've been on testosterone for more than a year, and have been presenting as a guy and using a male name and pronouns in every aspect of my life for a lot longer than that (closer to 3 years). My mom knows all of these things. My brother knows all of these things. My brother and I have a running inside joke about "who is actually the big brother," since I've been alive longer, but he's been a boy longer-- the man-of-the-house toast my mom was referring to was actually a continuation of one of these jokes, though obviously my mom took it out of context.

Given the context of my family dynamics and my transition timeline, my mom's comment that I am "extremely feminine" is probably way more out of left field than my man-of-the-house banter with my brother.

Ah, ok. Well, it's pretty difficult to hide T effects at 1 year, so sounds like she's in denial then.

QuoteMy brother knows all of these things. My brother and I have a running inside joke about "who is actually the big brother," since I've been alive longer, but he's been a boy longer-- the man-of-the-house toast my mom was referring to was actually a continuation of one of these jokes, though obviously my mom took it out of context.

That sheds some light on the situation. It was sounding like some big dramatic moment. lol My apologies for thinking you were having this big dramatic announcement to displace your brother. Sounds like he's accepting, have you brought that up to her - that she's seeing things other family members aren't?

She's pretty thoroughly in denial, that's for sure. The baffling part is that for the year leading up to that letter, it had seemed like she was finally becoming accepting-- she had finally started getting my name right and trying to get my pronouns right, and we were able to call each other and chat and joke again. It was kind of a relief, after a few years of her freaking out after I initially came out. I thought we were headed in the right direction, finally, and then this letter came in out of what seemed like left field. (It turned out it was because she had been internet stalking me and found something she didn't like, but that didn't become clear until almost a month after I recieved the letter.)

I don't want to use my brother's acceptance to back myself up, because I want to respect his wishes to stay out of the drama. He's still on good terms with our mom, for the most part, and I don't want to interfere with that. He's a great sport, but it's still been tricky for him to adjust, so I don't want to push his comfort zone.

Quote from: Crow on July 06, 2013, 09:41:01 AM
Thanks Stav and Devlyn!

I was definitely not this calm about that letter while it was happening-- it's just that it happened about half a year ago, now, so I've had some time to regain my composure.

I would love to have my old relationship with my mom back, but I'm honestly not sure that's possible. I don't want a fake walking-on-eggshells relationship with her just for the sake of not losing her. If I'm going to rekindle my relationship with her, I want it to be a functional, respectful relationship like we had before I came out.

If that's not possible, I would rather just cut my losses and move forward with the family (my dad, brother, grandparents, and the chosen family I now live with) I still have. The problem is, I tried to cut my losses the first time she disowned me... and then she just came right back around like an internet-stalking boomerang that I can't get rid of!

Okay - I  hear ya, the wound's not raw, but the imprint of it has left you wary.  After withdrawing from her (because she made it clear in her letter that your growth was 'pathology' [nasty stuff]. And so, she 'asserted her pathology' upon you, and made 'her stuff your stuff'), now she wants you back.

The irony is that you weren't being childish, you were becoming an adult by expressing what you know to be true about yourself in your core.  In fact, you were actually outgrowing childhood when you sought to take ownership of a family toast.  I am saddened to hear that she missed an opportunity to strengthen your trust in her and to enrich her relationship with her two beautiful sons.

I used to think that once trust in a relationship was damaged by the kinds of torsions that have happened in your relationship with your mum, that the relationship could never be truly repaired.  There's the echo of the violation of trust that is such a lasting wound.  Usually, they can't be truly repaired, sometimes they can.  Sometimes, if we're lucky, they can.  Sometimes that takes a talk.  Sometimes an argument.  Sometimes by withdrawing.  Sometimes a lot of time is needed.  Sometimes you can build-as-you-go by ongoing work.

Some of the unkownables until you 'test the waters' with her:  Has she changed?  Is she humbled by a tragedy?  Has she realised that she'll lose you and needs to empathise with you.  Can she apologise.  Is she just trying to recruit you until you're 'back' and then go at it again?  Has she had her awakening about the things that really matter in beautiful relationships: trust, empathy and mutuality.  Gift giving.  Generosity.  Tolerance of the other during moments one loses one's reason as we are all human.  Apologise for transgression. Empathy.  Where your boundaries are met with joy - because that means you know who you are.

You will know very quickly if you go in for 'another round'.  Old feelings resurface quickly when the other hasn't changed.

What do you do?

I can't say.  She's your mum.  Your journey with her is sacred.  I shouldn't mess with that.  Either you'll try again and come to conflict, and lose each other.  Or maybe conflict for several more rounds, or you'll reconnect and find new ways of being with each other.  Noone but you two will know which.  Only you can figure out your journey with your mum.

Whatever happens--maybe--rather than try to change the universe around you, maybe look inwards and find your centre, and know who you are.  And ponder an approach from that place of stillness.  And when you're with your mum, be just who you are.

I was 45 before I finally reconciled with my mother.  After many trials, tears, and periods apart.  We got there in the end.  All I can say is that I'm glad I kept faith in love.  Forgiveness guided my hand: two kinds, forgiveness but love at a distance.   Until enough change had occurred then forgiveness and love enjoying each other's company.

Kind Regards
stav

That's definitely some solid advice, Stav. I think I'll go in for another round and hope for the best. If not, I can always back out and be no farther in the hole than I was already. I'm working on an e-mail to send to my mom. Here's what I have so far:

QuoteGreetings Mom,

First and foremost, I apologize for how long it took me to get around to writing this, and for not really keeping you updated in the meanwhile. The pause in communication wasn't because I was mad at you—it was just that we had reached a point in our ongoing conversation where I wasn't sure where to go next without either upsetting you or setting off a chain reaction of arguing-technicalities. Meanwhile, I had also run into sort of a crazy situation at work that sucked up most of my attention. Long story short, I needed a break from the conversation, but I probably should have been more forthcoming about why I suddenly stopped responding. Oops.

Since it's been a while, how about a quick life update, since I kind of dropped off the face of the earth for a few months: Now I'm working as a day camp counselor at a bird sanctuary for the summer. What could be better than kids and nature? (Other than, y'know, a job with kids and nature that lasts more than 2 months and isn't an hour off the bus routes. But hey, you take what you can get when you're in an obscure career path like environmental education.)

I also moved, again. I'm in the same general area, but now my rent is way cheaper! I'm living with some good friends who actually know how to do dishes. Oh, and I have inherited partial ownership of a beagle named Rosie, who snuggles with me at night.

I also had a surgery-venture last month because I had an ovarian torsion that the doctor mistook for appendicitis (gotta love health professionals), so now I have one less ovary AND one less appendix to worry about! To be fair, the appendix turned out to have a benign tumor in it, so it's probably good that they went ahead and removed both.

Without further ado, though: I believe we were in the middle of a Q&A session?

I'm ready to continue if you are. Before we resume, though, I have one request: Can we try and stick to questions about my life now, rather than hypothetical questions about the future? Hypothetical questions are really hard, because as much as I love to plan for the future, nothing is ever set in stone. I can answer what my plans for the future as of right now are... but plans change. Identities evolve. Unexpected events happen. Y'know the drill. We could exchange hypothetical situations from now until the grass turns purple and I still don't think you'll wind up any closer to understanding what my life is like now—we'll both just end up several magnitudes more anxious about the future for no reason. As such, I think it'll be a lot more productive to at least start out with present-tense questions instead of what-ifs. What do you think?

Speaking of the future, from now on, if I can't think of a good answer to a question, I'll try and send you a response to the effect of "I need to think on this one—do you have any others you want to ask while I mull over how to answer this one?" As opposed to just... disappearing. Oops.

In any case, sorry again for the world's most interrupted conversation. I'm back, now. Feel free to ask questions about other parts of my life, too. Believe it or not, being a polyamorous, kinky trans-guy is a comparatively small aspect of my life, which mostly revolves around aquatic arthropods, small children, and reading the Dresden Files at the moment.

Love,
Sir Crows-a-Lot

Anything I should consider adding/removing/fixing before I send it off to the parental unit in question?

When I read the first paragraph, I thought to myself "what a fine human being--"  You have opened with an apology for stone walling your mother, after all that has happened.  I had that experience of you all the way through as a generous person.  That was one of the most generous notes I've read, after such hurtful events.

I noticed that you have left your mother to 'read between the lines' in one sense.  You've not spoken about why you took time to yourself--and then I heard the plead in the silence--mum, please, please don't hurt me like that again, I don't know how many times I can keep forgiving you.  You hurt me badly, and I withdrew in anger, hurt and because I just don't feel safe around you.

I hope she 'gets you' and appreciates that you'll leave her behind if she doesn't embrace your journey.

I don't know if I should say 'add this in' or 'add that in'--but I'll pop something down, here, and have a read--you know your mum way better than me, what would she do with this:

I would invite you to be part of changes in my life, because you're my mum and I'd value and love my mum's support, and to lose you as I grow would be a tragedy, but I can't 'make' you grow into understanding beyond what you choose. I would be grieved to lose you, though ultimately, I cannot stop being just who I am simply through being parented into submission, or into a form and shape more about what is expected of me, rather than who I really am.  If you read this and are finding the bile rising, or feel you know my own mind better than me, that's a warning to me that I won't feel safe to be who I am around you.  I don't even want to think too much, mum about that one, because where's the place of my mum in my life if I can't be who I am with you.

Thanks Stav!

I've actually told her what amounts to a paraphrased version of your suggested addition. A couple of times, actually. I think I'll give her a chance to just resume our last conversation (which was, as I mentioned, more-or-less an ongoing Q&A) from where it left off, if possible. If it dissolves into melodrama again, though, I'll send her something to that effect again. I'm hoping she can be mature enough about it not to push it back into the "to disown or not to disown" territory.

Quote from: Crow on July 06, 2013, 08:30:43 PM
Thanks Stav!

I've actually told her what amounts to a paraphrased version of your suggested addition. A couple of times, actually. I think I'll give her a chance to just resume our last conversation (which was, as I mentioned, more-or-less an ongoing Q&A) from where it left off, if possible. If it dissolves into melodrama again, though, I'll send her something to that effect again. I'm hoping she can be mature enough about it not to push it back into the "to disown or not to disown" territory.

See--you're a very strong, competent human being.  You bruise, but you don't shatter - our support to you on this one--thinking of you.  And let us know how you go--

(my mum+melodrama--I totally hear where you're coming from.....she used to throw various high-heels around to express disapproval. :) I remember once, a slipper flying across from the bedroom (aimed at dad) that missed, and *pam* right through the glass of the inside door *smash* showering me and my cousin.....while we played :)  Still laugh about that one.  Was a high heeled slipper.  She had a high-heel for every occasion