Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Apparently my confidence isn't where I thought.
I still haven't been into the men's room after nearly a year and a half of me telling myself I would, and I always attributed it to the fact that I had either been not passing at all that day or I was with family. I realised today though, that those aren't the reasons. I was with people who think of me as a guy, I had been passing all day expect for maybe one or two instances, and I was still too scared to use the men's room. I'm not exactly sure why, I think maybe I've just been discouraged about my lack of passing in the past several months. Even though I'm passing much better now, I'm struggling to boost my confidence back up. Do you guys have any good suggestions about boosting confidence and getting rid of fear?

-also since I've made friends with another transguy recently and have been hanging with him a lot, that is helping my confidence quickly, I'm just not where I need to be yet.

Don't beat yourself up over taking time to get used to things. There is no correct time frame for any of this.

Next time you are hanging out with the other trans guy, and I don't mean at the same time as him, but just when he is around for confidence back-up, why not use it as an excuse to use the men's restroom at some point?  Then, you'll know there is an ally nearby for support if anything bizarre happens.  Once you do it the first time, it will get easier and easier.

Quote from: spacerace on July 06, 2013, 06:42:21 PM
Don't beat yourself up over taking time to get used to things. There is no correct time frame for any of this.

Next time you are hanging out with the other trans guy, and I don't mean at the same time as him, but just when he is around for confidence back-up, why not use it as an excuse to use the men's restroom at some point?  Then, you'll know there is an ally nearby for support if anything bizarre happens.  Once you do it the first time, it will get easier and easier.

I agree with Spacerace, even though it's typically a "girl thing" to go to the bathroom in packs, I think going with a trusted friend for the first time will help boost your confidence. If you do it once, you'll probably feel better about going by yourself the next time.

I feel you here, I took quite a long time to pass and my confidence was really screwed up by it. Even with the bathroom thing.

Honestly, if you're passing well enough in day to day things, it's a good time to try using the men's. I was scared to death for months, dashing into the stall and hoping to god no one would pass me as I left. I still feel scared sometimes...the "what ifs" but at some point, you will have to take the plunge. I am at the point where I think I'd get kicked out of the women's and I've used the men's exclusively for 5 months or so. I understand not feeling comfortable enough. If you really aren't passing consistently and the women's feels safer, stay there. If you are passing often, consider trying the men's. People can say "you're a man, use the men's" but if you don't feel the world sees male, you shouldn't take risks you are uncomfortable with.

When I asked where the restroom was, I got the men's twice and thought maybe that is where I belong.  I will say the first time I was scared and thought someone would be throw out on my head.  First time no one else in there with me.  I found out quickly no one even cared they just did there business and left.  I used a stall and sat down.  I have never had anyone look at me strangely or say anything to me. I have even had to change a tampon in the men's a couple of time. Be confident and you shouldn't have a problem.

I haven't used the ladies' since last year... but I still get that tiny twinge of anxiety every time I go into the men's. Like Caleb I get a bunch of 'what ifs', but so far none of those 'what ifs' have actually come to pass (if you'll pardon the pun).

I find I'm more nervous around crowded facilities, so I tend to go to ones that are quieter and less frequented as I do find it easier if I can just march straight into a stall. But sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, so I have queued up to use the men's in a busy location and do you know what happened to me, standing in a long line of (presumably) cisguys to use the same toilet they were using? Absolutely nothing... I simply used the loo like everyone else and nobody questioned my right to be there.

I've said this before, but a good way to start is to use the smaller, less frequented facilities like coffee shops or gas stations just so that you can get over the initial fear of going in through the door. The beauty of the coffee shop suggestion is that you can sit at a table near the men's and keep an eye on who is going in or out, then pick your opportunity when it looks quiet. Most shopping malls also have a few toilets in inconvenient locations that don't tend to get used so much; why not do a bit of recon to see whether the same is true near you?

If you're worried that someone might challenge you, just go in with an attitude that you're a 16-year-old whose voice hasn't dropped yet (or whatever) and as such you have every right to be there. After all, cisguys like that use the facilities every single day. That might help alleviate your anxiety... and it gives you a well-prepared backstory in the unlikely event that anyone should actually challenge you.

I don't pass that often (15-20%) and started using the men's room most of the time. I also get a little anxious right before I go in. I started going into places with a kind of "liberal" reputation like Whole Foods and this local restaurant chain. I wouldn't if I didn't feel safe. I'm older and that has advantages with people taking  your word and that sort of thing. I think maybe younger guys would be at a disadvantage here in that kids have a reputation of goofing off and that sort of thing (rightly or wrongly).

--Jay