Community Conversation => Non-binary talk => Topic started by: androgynoid on July 08, 2013, 06:15:31 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Name Drama
Post by: androgynoid on July 08, 2013, 06:15:31 PM
Post by: androgynoid on July 08, 2013, 06:15:31 PM
Here comes another overly wordy ramble post of mine.
I'm pretty sure I've settled on a name I want to go by. It's been nearly four years since I put the pieces together and realized I wasn't a woman, and now I know what I really want to be called.
I've been going by a masculinized version of my birth name to both friends and strangers, pretty much everyone except work and family (my parents call me their daughter and a neutral nickname; they're just not ready for anything more, they're trying, just be patient), for up to three years now. The masculinized birthname isn't perfect, but it's workable. I don't hate it. But I like this new name a lot more.
The only problem is that now I've got all these people calling me by a name I was never really attached to. On one end I've got people who have only known me by it, who have never known me as anything else; on the other, I've got people whom I've known at least since I was 18 and thought I was a cis lesbian (ha!), who have seen me change into who I am now and who have known me by both the old name and the newer one. So I feel like I'm massively inconveniencing both of these groups by potentially coming out as [new name]. I'm either changing their entire impression of me, or I'm coming out with yet another name change just as they were getting used to the (single-letter) old one. And as you can see, I'm hesitant even to post it here. I've been known by two names here and I hate to ask people to adjust to a third (though I'm sure I'm overestimating my popularity here; I'm not internet-famous or anything).
So, there's that.
There's also the legal end of things. I know what I want to colloquially be called, and I know that I want to incorporate it into my legal name at some point. However, I don't know if it should be my first or middle name. I have a first name to go with [new name] as a middle name, but I don't have a middle name I could use with it as a first.
So just go with [new name] as a middle name, right? You've already got it figured out!
Problem.
The first name is undeniably masculine. I'm pretty sure no baby girl has ever had it. It's the name of at least two prominent Biblical men. It's also the middle name my parents would have given me had I been MAAB, so I'm slightly attached to it. I don't actually have a problem with its masculinity; it's a lovely name, sounds good before [new name], and has sentimental value. [New name] is also an exclusively male name, but it's slightly less masculine. It seems to me like something that a "girl with a boy name" could conceivably have, and it's main association for me (and probably 90% of the people I'll encounter) is a character who's a six-year-old boy.
What could possibly go wrong?
I'm still very much on the fence both about taking testosterone and about changing my legal gender. I honestly could do either, both, or neither; I have no idea where I'll end up (I don't technically need hormones to change either my driver's license or birth certificate in my state). In the case that I change my name and nothing else, I'll be a very ambiguous-looking person with an F on their ID and a name that's only ever given to boys. As much as I'm okay with that, I feel as though it will cause nothing but problems.
So I could use [new name] as a first name, pick a unisex middle name, and go from there. But I just haven't come across any unisex names that I like, that sound good, and that meet my criteria (two syllables at most, probably shouldn't end in -in/-en/-on).
My deadline for all this name malarkey is probably about a year from now. I'm going back to school in the fall and I want all of the college degrees I'm hoping to earn to have my new name so I don't have to deal with the hassle of getting new ones. The earliest I could probably graduate is December 2014.
So I've got time. I can start colloquially going by my new name, and change it when I have decided how exactly to configure it and when I'm good and ready. I just hate the uncertainty of all this, and I hate asking people to change how they think of me yet again.
As with all these posts of mine I leave the floor open for discussion, but I have no idea how to start it.
I'm pretty sure I've settled on a name I want to go by. It's been nearly four years since I put the pieces together and realized I wasn't a woman, and now I know what I really want to be called.
I've been going by a masculinized version of my birth name to both friends and strangers, pretty much everyone except work and family (my parents call me their daughter and a neutral nickname; they're just not ready for anything more, they're trying, just be patient), for up to three years now. The masculinized birthname isn't perfect, but it's workable. I don't hate it. But I like this new name a lot more.
The only problem is that now I've got all these people calling me by a name I was never really attached to. On one end I've got people who have only known me by it, who have never known me as anything else; on the other, I've got people whom I've known at least since I was 18 and thought I was a cis lesbian (ha!), who have seen me change into who I am now and who have known me by both the old name and the newer one. So I feel like I'm massively inconveniencing both of these groups by potentially coming out as [new name]. I'm either changing their entire impression of me, or I'm coming out with yet another name change just as they were getting used to the (single-letter) old one. And as you can see, I'm hesitant even to post it here. I've been known by two names here and I hate to ask people to adjust to a third (though I'm sure I'm overestimating my popularity here; I'm not internet-famous or anything).
So, there's that.
There's also the legal end of things. I know what I want to colloquially be called, and I know that I want to incorporate it into my legal name at some point. However, I don't know if it should be my first or middle name. I have a first name to go with [new name] as a middle name, but I don't have a middle name I could use with it as a first.
So just go with [new name] as a middle name, right? You've already got it figured out!
Problem.
The first name is undeniably masculine. I'm pretty sure no baby girl has ever had it. It's the name of at least two prominent Biblical men. It's also the middle name my parents would have given me had I been MAAB, so I'm slightly attached to it. I don't actually have a problem with its masculinity; it's a lovely name, sounds good before [new name], and has sentimental value. [New name] is also an exclusively male name, but it's slightly less masculine. It seems to me like something that a "girl with a boy name" could conceivably have, and it's main association for me (and probably 90% of the people I'll encounter) is a character who's a six-year-old boy.
What could possibly go wrong?
I'm still very much on the fence both about taking testosterone and about changing my legal gender. I honestly could do either, both, or neither; I have no idea where I'll end up (I don't technically need hormones to change either my driver's license or birth certificate in my state). In the case that I change my name and nothing else, I'll be a very ambiguous-looking person with an F on their ID and a name that's only ever given to boys. As much as I'm okay with that, I feel as though it will cause nothing but problems.
So I could use [new name] as a first name, pick a unisex middle name, and go from there. But I just haven't come across any unisex names that I like, that sound good, and that meet my criteria (two syllables at most, probably shouldn't end in -in/-en/-on).
My deadline for all this name malarkey is probably about a year from now. I'm going back to school in the fall and I want all of the college degrees I'm hoping to earn to have my new name so I don't have to deal with the hassle of getting new ones. The earliest I could probably graduate is December 2014.
So I've got time. I can start colloquially going by my new name, and change it when I have decided how exactly to configure it and when I'm good and ready. I just hate the uncertainty of all this, and I hate asking people to change how they think of me yet again.
As with all these posts of mine I leave the floor open for discussion, but I have no idea how to start it.
Title: Re: Name Drama
Post by: eli77 on July 09, 2013, 12:06:07 AM
Post by: eli77 on July 09, 2013, 12:06:07 AM
I feel like asking people to call you by a different name isn't really that big an ask. And you are gonna have to live with it for the rest of your life, so it's pretty important that you are comfortable with the thing. You'll have to be a bit gracious as people adjust, but I don't think it's really going to be that big a deal.
As for changing your name... You know that you can just leave your middle name blank, or even put down two or three right? Personally I left mine blank when I changed my name. I might still add a middle name, but I haven't decided yet and I didn't have one at the time, so I just went ahead without.
Anyway, all the concerns kind of bury the most important part which is: new name! Congrats! Glad you found something you are happy with.
As for changing your name... You know that you can just leave your middle name blank, or even put down two or three right? Personally I left mine blank when I changed my name. I might still add a middle name, but I haven't decided yet and I didn't have one at the time, so I just went ahead without.
Anyway, all the concerns kind of bury the most important part which is: new name! Congrats! Glad you found something you are happy with.
Title: Re: Name Drama
Post by: wanderingamoeba on July 18, 2013, 01:39:08 PM
Post by: wanderingamoeba on July 18, 2013, 01:39:08 PM
Quote from: Sarah7 on July 09, 2013, 12:06:07 AM
I feel like asking people to call you by a different name isn't really that big an ask. And you are gonna have to live with it for the rest of your life, so it's pretty important that you are comfortable with the thing. You'll have to be a bit gracious as people adjust, but I don't think it's really going to be that big a deal.
It might seem like a big thing to ask of people, and people might try (and even succeed) to make you feel like you're seriously inconveniencing them. But your feelings matter, too. And I cannot emphasize that enough. You matter, you deserve to be treated with respect and called what you want to be called.
Title: Re: Name Drama
Post by: ativan on July 18, 2013, 02:02:08 PM
Post by: ativan on July 18, 2013, 02:02:08 PM
I find it funny that some people who know me in real life have taken to calling me Ativan.
Without asking them to. I'm not sure why they do, maybe it started out as them thinking it was cute.
But it just comes pretty natural to them now.
I go with the flow.
It's better than some things I've been called.
Asking people to call you a different name takes them time in getting used to it.
But once it starts, if it's OK with one person, more will follow.
People are so hung up on using words they are familiar with, it takes time for them to adjust.
Give them the time, don't demand it. They just become stubborn like we all do.
Try calling them a different name. Assbackwards psychology.
Ativan
Without asking them to. I'm not sure why they do, maybe it started out as them thinking it was cute.
But it just comes pretty natural to them now.
I go with the flow.
It's better than some things I've been called.
Asking people to call you a different name takes them time in getting used to it.
But once it starts, if it's OK with one person, more will follow.
People are so hung up on using words they are familiar with, it takes time for them to adjust.
Give them the time, don't demand it. They just become stubborn like we all do.
Try calling them a different name. Assbackwards psychology.
Ativan
Title: Re: Name Drama
Post by: Taka on July 19, 2013, 01:06:23 PM
Post by: Taka on July 19, 2013, 01:06:23 PM
Might be easier to just tell people how happy you are to finally have gotten a name that suits you, than to ask them to use yet another name. After that, you can just "forget" any other name you've gone by, they'll use the new one when that gets them your attention.
Title: Re: Name Drama
Post by: Shana A on July 20, 2013, 07:06:24 PM
Post by: Shana A on July 20, 2013, 07:06:24 PM
Just as I'd gotten everyone in my life used to calling me Zythyra, I changed it to Shana. I thought it was going to be a hassle for people, however everyone went with it, and has gotten used to it. Now that name seems as far in the distant past as my birth name.
I wish they'd get used to my preferred pronouns, but that seems to be taking longer...
Go with whatever name makes you happy! It's your life!
Shana
I wish they'd get used to my preferred pronouns, but that seems to be taking longer...
Go with whatever name makes you happy! It's your life!
Shana
Title: Re: Name Drama
Post by: jesseofthenorth on July 20, 2013, 07:21:48 PM
Post by: jesseofthenorth on July 20, 2013, 07:21:48 PM
I completely changed my name several years ago, out of the blue. No preamble, no explanation. There was an adjustment period, to be sure. But now? Everyone uses that name. It's who I am.
The point is people adjust. Especially when they see your comfort and happiness in this new element of your identity.
I think it is very important for all of us here to find that comfort and happiness.
The point is people adjust. Especially when they see your comfort and happiness in this new element of your identity.
I think it is very important for all of us here to find that comfort and happiness.
Title: Re: Name Drama
Post by: ativan on July 20, 2013, 07:32:15 PM
Post by: ativan on July 20, 2013, 07:32:15 PM
Quote from: Shana A on July 20, 2013, 07:06:24 PMI will try my hardest to think of you as Shana, but deep down,...you will always be Z to me.
Just as I'd gotten everyone in my life used to calling me Zythyra, I changed it to Shana.
Now that name seems as far in the distant past as my birth name.
Shana
*Shana Z? Or Z Shana? OK, Shana it is.
Regardless of any name you want to use now or in the future,
you will always be my mentor and friend.
Ativan
Title: Re: Name Drama
Post by: Shana A on July 20, 2013, 07:37:37 PM
Post by: Shana A on July 20, 2013, 07:37:37 PM
Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on July 20, 2013, 07:32:15 PM
I will try my hardest to think of you as Shana, but deep down,...you will always be Z to me.
*Shana Z? Or Z Shana? OK, Shana it is.
Regardless of any name you want to use now or in the future,
you will always be my mentor and friend.
Ativan
Thanks Ativan, that is truly so sweet!!!
Being Zythyra was an integral part of my journey to where I am now, and I honor the process. No doubt that I will continue to go through many more changes.
Shana