Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone, so a little more than a week ago while randomly searching the internet I stumbled across some information on transsexualism, and it seemed to really make sense to me.  Since then I've been studying on it; watching transition videos, and video blogs of people transitioning, and whatever google brought me to (quite a lot of pages, including susans!) After much reading, watching, and remembering I think I have come to the conclusion that I am most likely a Transsexual.

Before reading on the male vs female brain, characteristics, etc. I never really noticed exactly how feminine I really was (and still am, especially my mannerisms) From as long back as I can remember to present day I have always felt so out of place everywhere I go, unlike all the other boys I was very emotional, and I always had trouble fitting in. Since about the 6th grade (maybe earlier but I can't really remember further back than this) I've had thoughts to know what life would be like as a girl rather than a boy.  In fact, there have been multiple times when upset I can remember just wishing I could start life over a girl, maybe then I could be happy. 

Because of my awkwardness especially at such an early age many kids in school where cruel to me, and I fell into a depression so deep I nearly never left my house other than going to school.  Around the middle of my 9th grade year I decided I was done with people always giving me problems and making me feel so bad about myself, so I began to change everything they had me thinking was wrong with me.

First of these was my voice.  I've always loved singing, so naturally I joined chorus as early as I could.  The teachers in class throughout the years loved me as I had a range so high no other male in my school could come close to matching it, but the other kids of course saw that as a reason to give me a hard time, because this 'boy' should not have the ability to sound like a girl.  To counteract this I spent a lot of my free time at home singing songs and practicing talking as deeply as I could until I actually managed to force my range down to that of a bass.  Now my voice has a pretty crazy range from some low bass to a high tenor.

Next I changed how people perceived my personality by shutting away my old weird/emotional self.  Instead I was a rock, I showed no sign of emotion to a single person, nor did I show ANY interest in talking to or spending time with any of them.  People would never be able to tell what I was thinking or feeling, I was nothing more than an empty shell resentful of the world and everyone in it. 

My third transformation was my body. For the most part,  I was always skinny as a rail, bar for a year or two where I had some extra weight because I did nothing but hide in my room, but even then my constitution wasn't very manly.  My arms were the same thickness from forearm the whole way up to my shoulders, which of course they were also very slender.  The first thing I did was lose the extra weight, and I then began lifting weights constantly in hopes if that no one would want to mess with me anymore.  To my surprise I managed to gain quick results due to my devotion to it at the time, and I actually became rather husky.  Don't get me wrong I was still slender looking but I had a lot of definition and even though all that only brought me up to 135lbs I could put up FAR more weight than most people of my stature.   

When college rolled around and I got away from everyone I was happy for perhaps a few months, I was dating this girl for a while (things didn't work out,) but It wasn't too much of a bother because my redefined self could as least be accepted enough by others that I at least had a few friends to keep me distracted for a bit.  After my first year I moved in with a girl while she was taking summer classes (campus had no idea lol.)  Around her and a few other of our female friends I would be much more feminine in the way I carried myself.  (I never really noticed it till thinking back now, I guess I just felt secure around them, I used to even think that my behavior around them was merely goofing around, but the more I think about it now the more I realize how much happier I was during that time when I acted like that, so maybe I just subconsciously felt it was right?

The next year started out ok, I moved into a frat house with some of my male friends, and I started getting better at getting along with people, but I still felt depression quite a lot without even knowing why. It seemed something just still wasn't right, no matter what I did I couldn't seem to stay happy how I was (this still even applies now ofc.)  In this time I quickly went from doing excellent in classes to failing completely.  All time was spent drinking, wishing I knew why I couldn't force myself to be happy, and as a result I failed the entire year of classes and withdrew from school. 

After I withdrew I ended up living on the couch of one of my friends back home (another girl, what a surprise) and I had another new best friend that I felt I could be the 'fun me' around for the time.  After a few months though I found my little sister (not really my sister but she's like one to me) was facing crisis so I returned to the area as a nonstudent to comfort her, even thought I myself was a wreck. (For some reason I always seemed to care about others happiness more than my own)   
 
Now it's been another year, and I got a house close to campus with my little sister, her boyfriend, and our other friend (probably my best female friend currently, we're seriously close.  She knows more about me than I ever let any people on to that's for sure) For the most part now my semi-muscular build is for the most part faded, and my body is starting to reflect the shape of a girl again.  I've also noticed a change in my facial features.  I've noticed that many MTF trans (before and or in early stages of HRT) for instance seem to have some kind of noticeable look to them, almost as if they have a half feminine half masculine face.  When I look into a mirror now a days I can see that in myself, which is most definitely new.  I think this is due to a lack of testosterone in my body (yeah that's been an issue I noticed starting about a year or two ago, but I never bothered going to a doctor for it or anything, maybe I liked it without even realizing that I did?) 

As I was noticing/contemplating all the previously mentioned things over the last week or so I realized how much more feminine I am than masculine so I decided to take a few tests online.   The big ones were the  COGIATI and the Brain Sex ID (I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with them.)  Both of these tests concluded that I am far more feminine than I am masculine and that I more than likely suffer from Gender dysphoria, and I've not once doubted these results since.
 
I feel as if the actions I took to change myself when younger were only as a result of insecurity in order to defend myself from those around me.  I constantly thought about how if I wasn't expected to act like a male I would rather live as a girl, but I would then force myself to try and believe it could only be fantasy and I could never reflect on how I feel on the inside, meaning I would have to let it go. (Yeah that didn't really work)  Some times when fantasizing all alone I would also wear girls clothes (obtained from the old gf) and it would seem to make me feel better, but out of fear of being discovered I threw them away after a while. (I still have a few though that I wear from time to time)

Every day that I have woken up since I've made these discoveries I have had multiple thoughts throughout the day of how I'm a girl and not a guy, which I am completely and 100% ok with, in fact I've felt rather happy coming to this conclusion, but at the same time I fear that I will lose my friends if I come out and act upon these thoughts.   Part of me want's to move somewhere new to do this so I don't have to face those I care about possibly ridiculing me, but at the same time I don't know what I would do without them (especially my best friend now, she keeps me sane!)  I know at the very least she (along with maybe one or two more people) would accept me if I were to come out to and probably not look back for a second, but at the same time I almost feel as if I would be bothered just because they would know that I USED to be a 'man' at least by normal social standards anyways.. 

If anyone could give me some tips, links, or would like to share some experience it would be greatly appreciated.  I really can't stop thinking about this, but I first need to find the courage and knowledge required for how to go about this.  I've already begun looking up some things on female mannerisms to find which ones I need to brush up on,  and practicing my girl voice (if only I hadn't ruined it previously it would barley take any work lol,) But I'm sure  there's still plenty for me to learn.

Well that's all I have for now,  I'm rather excited to meet and hear about others who have gone through the same thing and can help me understand/deal with all the craziness this is bound to lead to.  Hope to hear from you all real soon.  :icon_razz:

First of all, welcome to the site.   Glad to have you here.

Second, with all the information out there, it is possible to make a self-diagnosis that is all wrong.  Then again, you know best what you are feeling.

So, interact here with folks who understand, and who have experienced, what you are going through.  We all started at one point with the question, "I wonder if ... ?"

I would not put much stock in some of the online gender tests.  But, you may want to talk with a therapist to help focus your thinking and delve into whats going on.  And that might lead to some testing of you natural hormone levels.  That too will give you some insight.

Good luck to you.

Thank's for the warm welcome Jamie D!   Yeah I fully realize how easy to make a wrong diagnosis it is with everything on the internet, but for some reason this just makes complete sense to me, so I'm sure I'll know my definite answer shortly.  I'll take your advice and try to become active on the forum when I have the chance, I'm sure it will be nice to talk to and hear about people going through similar things.  I actually met a friend the other day who apparently has a cousin currently transitioning, so I hope to get their contact info and get to know them.  Another friend is also going to a drag show tomorrow, so I'm going to try and tag along with her and see what I can pick up.  I tried bringing up the idea of Transsexualism to a few friends last night while partying (I tried showing them Silhouette by Aviicii just to see what their reaction would be) they looked at me like a freak.  That being said, this kind of leaves me more worried about coming out, but I still feel like I just should, something keeps telling me a lot of weight will be lifted if I can manage to do so.  I also plan on setting something up with a therapist if possible soon so I can figure some more things out.   

Welcome to Susans Rainacorn, I hope that you'll find some good people and infor to help you out :)

I kinda know how you feel because for the longest time I not only wished that I was a girl but had to hide myself from everyone. To me it took me a few years to be able to come to terms with my transsexuality. It is a tough but a well worth it journey if you decide the right route. I can tell you that you should continue to do a lot of soul searching. You can always talk to your friends and family, just sit them down and explain your situation. Key thing is to be confident when coming out and be as clear as possible and very hopefully they will be accepting and/or be willing to learn and transition with you. Lastly you can message me if you'd like, I recently came out and started hormones since last September so I can help a little bit. Best of luck luck with your journey and I hope you will find happiness :)

Thank's Julie, I'll be sure to keep in contact with you!  I do however need to reach 15 posts first so I can PM (or at least that's what I read in another topic somewhere)  Hope to hear from you!

You're welcome, send it when you can with anything you want to say :)