Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Sorry for starting a new thread.
After a lot of mixed feelings on the topic, I finally told my wife about my gender dysphoria last night. It was pretty messy. It is still to early to know what she makes of all this, though I did wake up to her crying.  She has spent the day reading about transsexuality. I feel so guilty for my feelings and for hurting her. I don't really know what to do with myself.
Mary

You do what we all do.

We sit and breathe. We talk, we try to explain the pain we have. We tell our loved ones how much we love them.

We cry.

We hope

We wish.

We keep going.

We post here.

My love and hugs Honey

Cindy

It's good that you finally told her. She's probably just still in shock . it must have caught her off guard. I'm sure once she has time to digest the situation she will talk to you. And from what I have been reading some spouses do make the choice to stay with there spouse and work things out. I hope your one of these cases. After all it's nots like your trying to hurt her or knew about this for sure when you two got married. I would think that because you love each other this can all be worked through and make your connection and relationship even stronger

Quote from: Tristan on July 14, 2013, 06:04:13 AM
It's good that you finally told her. She's probably just still in shock . it must have caught her off guard. I'm sure once she has time to digest the situation she will talk to you. And from what I have been reading some spouses do make the choice to stay with there spouse and work things out. I hope your one of these cases. After all it's nots like your trying to hurt her or knew about this for sure when you two got married. I would think that because you love each other this can all be worked through and make your connection and relationship even stronger

Words right out of my mouth, well, similar to what i would say.... I am sure she'll come around, Mary. She's reading into it, that's gotta be a good sign. I would say not to avoid her too, see how she is, comfort her. You need comfort too, of course. I hope your well.

I hope it goes well for both of you,you have more courage than me.I never told any of my girlfriends and simply walked away and never answered any phone calls rather than tell them.They were kind women who didn't deserve to be treated like that,I sometimes wonder if I could have been a girlfriend to any of them.

Mary,

It's still new.  I know it's hard, but give her time to absorb everything.  I do think it's a good sign that she is looking up more information about it.  That shows that she is willing to learn.  Good luck. 

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your support. It has been really, really hard and it is good to know that there are other people who can understand.

Things seemed to have calmed down slightly, and I know my wife is trying hard to understand what I am going through. We had a pretty frank discussion about it last night after the initial shock seemed to pass. She had lots of question – many of which I didn't have answers to, unfortunately. Hopefully, my appointment next Tuesday will give me more answers. She told me that she loves me and will stand by me, but that she doesn't know if she could be with a woman. I understand this, but it is difficult. We have promised that we will be open an honest with each other about our feelings as this moves forward, so I guess at this point that is the best possible response I could have expected.

I always knew this would be hard, but the reality that it is actually started happening is a bit overwhelming for me. I'm feeling pretty horrible about myself and what I am putting her through. The saddest part is that i know I just cant wish hard enough and make it all go away.

Anyway, thank you all again for your support.
Mary

Quote from: Mary81 on July 15, 2013, 03:59:22 AM
Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your support. It has been really, really hard and it is good to know that there are other people who can understand.

Things seemed to have calmed down slightly, and I know my wife is trying hard to understand what I am going through. We had a pretty frank discussion about it last night after the initial shock seemed to pass. She had lots of question – many of which I didn't have answers to, unfortunately. Hopefully, my appointment next Tuesday will give me more answers. She told me that she loves me and will stand by me, but that she doesn't know if she could be with a woman. I understand this, but it is difficult. We have promised that we will be open an honest with each other about our feelings as this moves forward, so I guess at this point that is the best possible response I could have expected.

I always knew this would be hard, but the reality that it is actually started happening is a bit overwhelming for me. I'm feeling pretty horrible about myself and what I am putting her through. The saddest part is that i know I just cant wish hard enough and make it all go away.

Anyway, thank you all again for your support.
Mary

Dear Mary,

The sad fact of being ourselves is that we often hurt those we love and care for, we find our lives facing a wall of uncertainty and sorrow. We struggle and ask why can't we just be normal human beings who live a normal life with the people we love.

The saddest fact is that we cannot.

There is a point in our lives when we have to live, there is no choice and the drive and urge to live is overwhelmingly powerful.

We have to try and treat our loved ones with the care that they need and with the understanding that we ourselves need.

It isn't easy and sadly there will be loses.

But you and your wife will have you as a living functional person. We both know what the alternative is, and she would not want that .

Hugs

Cindy

Hey Mary -- You definitely are not alone, there seem to be many here who understand your pain.

My wife has known about my gender confusion from the very start, so there were no surprises ... until I recently started exploring 'going all the way.' It's been rocky, for sure, but we took things very slow and deliberately, and let her digest the big picture (ie -- life with me, and life without me).

I asked her to read Jennifer Boylan's "She's Not There," which is the best, most accessible book on gender confusion I know. In it, Boylan's wife deals with the incredible mixed emotions of a gender transition, but decides to stay out of love. Your wife may decide the same. If not, perhaps it's best to (painfully) part, but get it over with.

The guilt is there, yes, but it's assuaged by the fact that this is not really a choice. My wife understands that, and so does not 'blame' me. Hopefully your situation will be similar.

And the slowness of the process has been a blessing. It has allowed both of us to process this whole thing without feeling like we're jumping irrationally into anything.

Hang in there. Love will out.

I commend you on being honest with your wife!  Good for you.  You did, not only the right thing, but the intelligent thing even though it is hard.  Be proud of your self and stay strong.

Quote from: Pollyanna on July 15, 2013, 08:22:42 AM
Hey Mary -- You definitely are not alone, there seem to be many here who understand your pain.

My wife has known about my gender confusion from the very start, so there were no surprises ... until I recently started exploring 'going all the way.' It's been rocky, for sure, but we took things very slow and deliberately, and let her digest the big picture (ie -- life with me, and life without me).

I asked her to read Jennifer Boylan's "She's Not There," which is the best, most accessible book on gender confusion I know. In it, Boylan's wife deals with the incredible mixed emotions of a gender transition, but decides to stay out of love. Your wife may decide the same. If not, perhaps it's best to (painfully) part, but get it over with.

The guilt is there, yes, but it's assuaged by the fact that this is not really a choice. My wife understands that, and so does not 'blame' me. Hopefully your situation will be similar.

And the slowness of the process has been a blessing. It has allowed both of us to process this whole thing without feeling like we're jumping irrationally into anything.

Hang in there. Love will out.

Pollyanna, I agree entirely on the value of taking things very slowly in such situations. By a simple coincidence, I started a thread on exactly this theme yesterday: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144676.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144676.0.html)

Mary, if you stay around you will see that a lot of us have been down the road you are now going down. It really does sound like your wife has reacted as positively as you could hope in such a situation and I suggest that right now, most important is that you show as much concern for her as you would expect her to show for you.
Warm regards.
Donagh