Susan's Place Transgender Resources

...that really is the question.

Now that my "Real Life Test" has officially begun (Bad name. Doesn't feel like a test to me. Feels like, well, life), I haven't been able to stop thinking about SRS.

If I do it, the best time would be at the start of the summer. That would give me a couple solid months of summer before the start of the school year to recuperate and adjust to dilation schedules before I had to figure out make it all work with my job. The doctors I talked to at Philly Trans Health seemed to think that surgical dates should be booked many months in advance, so if I'm to do it next summer, that means reserving a date (which requires a hefty deposit) this winter.

Doesn't make sense to wait an extra year. It would cost the same and have the same pain and recovery time, but I'd have my wonderful new body for one less year of my life.

So I have months to make up my mind. Plenty of time, but not forever, so I need to start deciding.

I oscillate from "of course I want my body shaped correctly" to "why would I want to make my life even harder than it already is?"

My list of pros and cons:

CONs:
* UTIs, yeast infections, and vaginitis.
* Increase chance of AIDS
* Can't pee standing up when I need to
* Tons and tons of $$$. I could definitely raise the money, but it would require sacrifices.
* Complications, some of which are nasty. The possibility of necrosis or wounds that don't heal creeps me out.
* Need to take time off work (risking my job) if I need a correction.
* Pain during recuperation and dilation
* A year or two out of my life where I'm not at my physical best. Several months of those, where my ability even to sit down will be compromised.
* Oppressive dilation regimes
* Might mean saying goodbye to orgasms forever. If not, they'll be a whole lot harder.
* I'll need to discontinue hormones for a period of time.
* An extended period without exercise. It might be a long time before I'm back to decent physical shape.
* While I really would like to be penetrated during sex, truth is I've never come across a man I'm attracted to. My preferences seem to run nearly exclusively toward women.
* Possibility of letdown. Might still have dysphoria because it doesn't work and feel (to me) like a cis woman's vagina.

PROs:
* I've wanted a vagina and clitoris nearly all my life
* My body would finally be the right shape
* I love my bottom when it's tucked. Through panties it looks and feels the way it's supposed to. But there's always a jolt of dysphoria because it's just an illusion.
* Painful jealousy every time I read about experiences with MtF bottom surgery.
* Dysphoria when I see cis women, knowing they have something I don't.
* I'll no longer be a sexual oddity.
* In all my sexual fantasies I have a vagina. I can't imagine a satisfying sex act that involves my current equipment.
* If I don't at least get an orchi, I'll be on spiro for the rest of my life. But if I'm going to get myself sliced up, shouldn't I end up with the bottom I really want?
* I don't think I'll ever 100% feel like a woman with my current geometry.
* My naked body is the perfect shape. Except you-know-where.

Did anyone else find themselves wrestling with these questions? How have you gotten past them? What tipped the scales? To me it seems like a really critical decision, but I don't read a lot here about people struggling with it.

Srs all the way

I know those thoughts Suzi.

I've got my junk that I don't even want to use.  I think I'd be inclined to use a vagina.  I'd maybe even enjoy it.  But when you say things like, "Oppressive dilation regimes" I'm all, yup, that's how I see it too.

I see some transwomen who need SRS like they need to breathe.  I can say I'm not one of them.  I'm open to an orchi, but when I think about my balls being gone... I think I have like a packrat response, "They're mine!"  "They are completely useless and laughable in size now but, they're mine!"

Right now I'm in a place of I don't want SRS bad enough so I'm not forcing it.  Yet I do struggle with it.  I mean, I'm a woman.  Why don't I need to have a vagina?  I hate erections, which I still get on rare occasions.  A vagina would solve that.  But then I read about another transperson beginning her healing process after SRS and I'm happy for her, I just don't have a need to be in their shoes at this point in my life.

Yeah I was not that on favor of getting srs myself and was both a sexual or touchy feely kinda person before hand. But let me tell you, after srs things change and you will most likely wanna try out your new toy. And girls is it fun and feel so good. Haha ;)

QuoteDid anyone else find themselves wrestling with these questions? How have you gotten past them? What tipped the scales? To me it seems like a really critical decision, but I don't read a lot here about people struggling with it.

For myself, I have such a difficult time finding friends--let alone someone who would want to "do" me--that the "cons" in the list make me wonder WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?!?

I'd hate to go through the whole process, only to find I am "forever alone" because of my various issues...that would suck. Why not just keep the OEM equipment, and spare myself the problems of dilation, healing, money, etc? I'm not likely to find a partner anyway...

But if I think about "Well, maybe--just maybe--I might find a partner, and if I do, would I want the man-parts, or the girl-parts?" that gives me just a spritz of hope, and the balance slowly tips toward SRS...but even so, I need to be firmly on the side of "no suicide!" before doing this level of surgery and recovery.

I am basically asexual, so the part about finding someone to be intimate with is null.  SRS would be for me, mostly.  But I can not afford SRS, so I may not be able to have SRS.

I was asexual as a man.  Now, I want to enjoy myself, my body.  I think SRS would help with that.  But I still don't need it...  And I'm oddly disappointed in myself?  I confuse me.

I've given that question a lot of thought the last several weeks and it was a point of discussion at my last therapist visit (I see her every 2-3 months to "keep in touch").  If you had asked me a year or so ago when I made the decision to transition, I would've said I *needed* the SRS as that's how I've felt. 

A year later, I still think I would like it; but it's not as important as it once was and I can/could be happy without it.  I think once I started living full-time it became less of an issue for me.  The finances are a consideration as I think we could afford the surgery for me now; but I'd probably sacrifice a job I do like and I strongly doubt I could walk into something that I liked anywhere near as well much less paid anything close to what I'm making.  That wouldn't be the end of the world; but considering I've probably got 20-25 more years to work I'd like as many of them as possible to be pleasant and at least reasonably financially rewarding.  Perhaps if I had pursued this 10-20 years when I was younger and in a lesser job it would've been an easier decision, but I wouldn't trade how things have worked out for anything so...

for me the only con I am concerned about is the cost - if I had the money I would do it in a microsecond. - however I don't think I will ever ba able to get that much money  :'(

Quote from: Cherrie on July 21, 2013, 04:34:24 AM
Can't pee standing up if you need to? Wow.. I never thought that would be on anyone's cons list.

It's on mine too!

In a psychology class I think it was the professor made mention about if women really had penis envy.  Her reply, "Only while camping."

Quote from: Cherrie on July 22, 2013, 04:50:27 AM
I never peed standing up so never gave that any thought pre-op. Now post-op I still pee sitting down, of course, but now it sounds good too.. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone hehe.

There was a thread a couple months back about peeing standing up.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,142146.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,142146.0.html)

People talked a lot about the convenience of it.

I got an orchi to get off Spiro, it was a prelude to SRS down the road. My wife was fine with it, she was tired of penetration and sex in general. I never pee standing up anyway since I'm the one that gets to clean the toilet and surrounding area, half the time I couldn't find him while standing because he had atrophied so much and I wound up peeing in my pants, so sitting makes more sense. Still, if I am out with guys in the woods on a hunt (which is extremely rare now) I would not want to drop my drawers and squat. Fast forward to present, my spouse is on HRT and suddenly decides she wants sex the old way. WTF!!?? I deal with it, but had I been single I would have SRS several years behind me by now even though I have no desire whatsoever for a man and the thought of a man penetrating me is not anything I'd be interested in. It would simply be the finishing touch to a long enduring struggle, the crown jewel if you will.

Quote from: Cherrie on July 22, 2013, 04:50:27 AM
I never peed standing up so never gave that any thought pre-op. Now post-op I still pee sitting down, of course, but now it sounds good too.. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone hehe.

I think I'm anyone.

how many mths of recup time do you have? it varies between individuals but for me i am still unable to walk or sit properly after 6 mths!!!

For me it was never not a question of to SRS or not to SRS. The issues i had more was:
When: would i get all my paperwork in order?
Where: would i get the surgery done?
How: on earth would i be able to pay for this?

I had mine done in April and looking now back i think maybe if i had to do it again would do it around end of fall or early winter. After care is a huge thing to deal with and has taken a lot of time out of enjoying the summer. Just how i feel but all in all i am glad mine is now behind me.

Izzy

I wouldn't do it if you have doubts because it's irreversible and all surgeries carry some danger with them.  It is possible (likely even, given your list) that in the future you will lose those doubts.  Personally, for me it is not a choice, I have to do it if I'm going to be even remotely happy with my body, but money is a prob right now and idk when it won't be.

I totally get you. I had similar doubts fairly recently. I mean, after several months of HRT and almost a year of being full-time, I realised that what I most enjoyed was the social aspect of being a woman. Being seen and treated as a woman is the best feeling! But now I've started to think about the next step. I have always wanted to be a woman, of course. I would have traded anything for the opportunity to magically change.

In some ways, I still feel that way, even though everyone with whom I interact and I, myself, see me as a woman. The reason for this is the fact that those parts are still on my body. Granted, I will never be able to bear children, much less change my genome, at least having the physical aspect match my own body image would be good, despite the fact that I am asexual. Of course, as with HRT and really any other surgical procedure, there's complications that could arise, but that's the price.

I have no doubts about getting srs other then usual pre-operation jitters that occur for any surgery. Nor do I care about penetration as I only like women though I guess it could end with penetration in a way ;). For me it is to feel complete the only issue is cost, I can't even afford to get a new car at the moment let alone fly to a foreign country(never left my own before) to have what is necessary done. So that gets me down. :( 

Quote from: EmeraldPerpugilliam on August 05, 2013, 06:26:29 AM
I have no doubts about getting srs other then usual pre-operation jitters that occur for any surgery. Nor do I care about penetration as I only like women though I guess it could end with penetration in a way ;). For me it is to feel complete the only issue is cost, I can't even afford to get a new car at the moment let alone fly to a foreign country(never left my own before) to have what is necessary done. So that gets me down. :(

This is where I am - afford a NEW CAR? heck I could not even replace my bicycle if someone stole it, and it is everything to me, I use it like it was a car since my roommate stole my truck.

My food budget for a month is $100.

I asked some of the questions that OP is asking. I'm about 5 months post right now and I can say the recovery is definitely life consuming for a while. Even when you're well enough to return to work you still feel a little sore there off and on. There are harder dilation times, and easier ones. I had only a tiny bit of necrosis that healed on its own, I do have some granulation tissue that causes me pain while I dilate. My recovery hasn't been 'easy'.

But I don't regret doing it at all, actually I'm very satisfied the way things are. Cosmetically it's not a porn star perfect vulva, but it's perfect for me. When I tried to 'decide' early on about SRS I stayed in my head intellectually. Thought about the whole pee standing up thing etc, but the thing is that my heart always knew what I wanted and what it was supposed to be. I realized that I've been making the choice to not follow my heart my whole life until I allowed myself to transition. After living two years full time I realized I was so much happier, and so I allowed myself to go forward with SRS.

Technically vaginas do require more care, and there are slight risks in terms of infection etc. However, like all girls do, you learn your body and learn to listen to it and take care of it. I've not had any UTI, or yeast infections by just being careful. My recommendation is to just take your time with your decision, and let your heart have a voice too. Give yourself a couple years and then check in with yourself and see if each step (albeit difficult) makes you happier. If so, you might find that SRS brings contentment along with the temporary discomfort.

Quote from: Adabelle on August 06, 2013, 11:18:05 PM
I asked some of the questions that OP is asking. I'm about 5 months post right now and I can say the recovery is definitely life consuming for a while. Even when you're well enough to return to work you still feel a little sore there off and on. There are harder dilation times, and easier ones. I had only a tiny bit of necrosis that healed on its own, I do have some granulation tissue that causes me pain while I dilate. My recovery hasn't been 'easy'.

But I don't regret doing it at all, actually I'm very satisfied the way things are. Cosmetically it's not a porn star perfect vulva, but it's perfect for me. When I tried to 'decide' early on about SRS I stayed in my head intellectually. Thought about the whole pee standing up thing etc, but the thing is that my heart always knew what I wanted and what it was supposed to be. I realized that I've been making the choice to not follow my heart my whole life until I allowed myself to transition. After living two years full time I realized I was so much happier, and so I allowed myself to go forward with SRS.

Technically vaginas do require more care, and there are slight risks in terms of infection etc. However, like all girls do, you learn your body and learn to listen to it and take care of it. I've not had any UTI, or yeast infections by just being careful. My recommendation is to just take your time with your decision, and let your heart have a voice too. Give yourself a couple years and then check in with yourself and see if each step (albeit difficult) makes you happier. If so, you might find that SRS brings contentment along with the temporary discomfort.

I have a lot of fear of the surgery itself, the pain, the amount of post operative care that is required, the risk of complications and most of all the amount of time required which I still don't know how I will cope with. I was actually far more relaxed about FFS, on the face of it (excuse the pun ;)) a far more invasive surgery which for me required about 15 hours on the table in total in two sessions followed by long periods of recovery both times. However with FFS, even if there can be a lot of discomfort (though very little pain), there just doesn't seem to be the same level of risk concerning complications such as necrosis, fistulas etc..

However, just as Adabelle says above, having moved forward with all other aspects of my transition and feeling much happier because of it, I simply cannot see myself not doing GRS.  I need it both to feel complete and so I won't have to live with a constant reminder of where I am coming from. My evolution here has been very interesting as a year ago, before I started living completely full time outside of work, I wouldn't have said this. GRS was very low priority, notably compared to FFS but since the latter greatly facilitated my social transition, an absolute must for me, the more personal, intimate dimension has really come to the fore.

At a far more practical level, I may also need it just to get my civil identiity changed, another indispensable step for me so that I can transition seamlessly on the job. Since I will be filing my application shorltly, a court procedure here in France, I should have the answer before the end of the year and if I can't get my Civil Identity change done without it, that will mean GRS sometime in 2014.
Hugs
Donna