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Title: Shana-chan here
Post by: Shana-chan on August 03, 2013, 03:55:50 AM
Post by: Shana-chan on August 03, 2013, 03:55:50 AM
Hello, my name is Shana-chan but you can call me Shana if you like. I'd like to get this outta the way first and I mean this in the nicest way possible. I didn't come here to make friends, I came to find answers, meet people here who are going through what I'm going through, to get support etc. That doesn't mean I won't become friends with some of you but it takes a LONG time for that to happen. This is very important but any questions I ask in this post (Or in any post) please answer them as best you can since I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important to me. Thanks. (If you don't know that's fine but please say so, thanks.) Also I am not an open person about my gender or my life but for this forum I am willing to make an exception. (After all it'd defeat the purpose of coming here if I didn't open up) I not but a few days ago registered on a different transgender forum (My first one ever) which sadly, wasn't all that good. -_- Didn't feel much of a welcome...I plan to register on one other transgender forum to hopefully get more support. Anyway with that out of the way, time for me to tell ya'll who I am again.
I'm Shana-chan. I was born with a male body however, last Fall I somehow called myself a female in my head by mistake, ever since then I've spent a LOT of time questioning, wondering, thinking/reflecting on the past etc. about it and long story short I realized I've always felt mostly in between (Neither male nor female) while at other times I'd feel female and then rarely male. Now a days whenever I'm around people I mostly feel male which is VERY confusing and hard on me since I prefer to be female. I'm not like most guys tbh. I'm not very strong nor do I care about strength and I don't really act like a male too much if at any, in fact, I enjoy doing female stuff. This is kind of strange seeing as how when I was a kid the boys would ask if I was a girl and I'd get annoyed and or angry because I wasn't a girl. Same with when someone would call me a ma'am on the phone but now a days it makes me happy when they call me a ma'am (Sadly it rarely happens anymore) and when someone calls me a girl. (Only been called a girl online and I'm not a social person in RL yet I still know how society works all too well for how they judge and treat people who're different) I do get both males and females but also don't at times.
So anyway I switch between male, female and in between throughout the day but I'd prefer to feel and to BE female (Have a female body/female everything) so please call/refer to me as a she. Thanks. The switching between genders throughout the day is hard on me at times and I don't know how to control it if there even is a way? If there is a way, please tell me, thanks. I have breasts, small and no I didn't get them from fat, got them 1-3 years before I hit puberty but wish they were a LOT bigger. (I know I should be thankful to even have them, can't help how I feel though) I know I like woman, that is a fact, guess that kind of makes me gay in a way. (Don't really care) However even though I don't like guys in that way I can't help but picture "it" going up in me while master you know at times. (I've never you know like males do, can't really, not easy for me and doesn't feel good that way) I suppose that is normal since my sister told me even gay woman picture that stuff. (Already figured none gay woman pictured it) Also I know what a mother's love feels like since when I see a cat that's the feeling I get towards the cat, a mother's love. Btw, I don't have kids nor have I ever been in a real relationship let alone been kissed on the lips and am still a virgin. Been wearing female cloths since last year, just not out in public, have yet to tell people except my sister and a select few people which other than my sister, didn't turn out well. -_- Well at least my sis is supportive but my Dad, I'd like to tell him but he told me in these exact words "if I'm planning on becoming a girl then (And this is where his tone of voice became more serious) I'd better not tell him" which, that's worrisome. (He thinks people like us are confused and his church has brain washed him and I'm sure given what he said he suspects what I am but doesn't want to admit it) Btw I'm an adult, live in the US in GA and live by myself. My Dad is my representative payee (Due to circumstances I'm getting a late start in life) and I have no job atm nor have I ever worked before. So what do you think he'd do/react if I told him?
I am now wearing a bra out in public and recently I met my Dad while wearing my bra and I'm not sure if he noticed or not. Oh and already talked to my Dad about me wearing a bra, he thinks unless my breasts are big I shouldn't wear it despite me telling him how it makes me feel when I don't wear one. Anyway there are still many female things I'd like to do, I'm to the point where I'm just wanting to wear what I want to wear and be myself however, I ain't got a job, don't have a car and atm I'm taking some driving lessons to see if I can drive, so far it's going good but I ain't got a license to drive yet and the little research I did didn't look too promising for people like us for getting a job and also for being treated right AT the job. It's only thanks to the government that I'm able to be where I'm at today but the money will run out within the next 2-3 months max IF I'm really lucky so I NEED a job and asap! It's also very hard on me since I fear what others will think of me/how they'll treat me if they knew my secret. Also my so called "family" isn't a family to me so I doubt I have anyone who I can turn to for help that "can" help me. So given all this, I WANT to come out but, I don't know what he'll do/react and if I try to get a job, chances are I'll be turned down just because of "what" and "who" I am. I now have to decide whether to go and buy male interview cloths or female interview cloths (If you can help me decide, then thank you, any advice is appreciated) and I know the smartest thing to do is to "hide" who I am but that's not right, we shouldn't have to do that. :( Further more for males when they go to an interview, it said they're supposed to have clean cut nails, mine are clean, they're cut, but, cut in terms of how a girl's nails are cut. Mine are long, I like them that way, I even wear nail polish from time to time and so, they might not hire me just because of the long nails, not to mention, I now wear a bra every day and every where I go though for the interview itself I "could" go without one, but I shouldn't have too. Really I shouldn't HAVE to lie about who I am or try to cover it up and it really gets to me that for males, certain jobs such as Publix requires them to have short hair which is REALLY wrong, they don't "own" them so I'll NEVER work for them if I can help it. ^_^; So really I just don't know what to do, any advice and help you or anyone can give is much appreciated and thank you. Also, I prefer to feel female but my switching between the 3 is really getting to me and makes it confusing/hard for me, so if you know of a way to keep it at one, and switch between the 3 at will then if you can tell me then thank you very much. So, what should I do? Any advice?
Well to wrap this up (Sorry I talk a lot at times and I imagine I'll be doing that a lot here, sorry, I tried and will try to continue to try), Any advice/stuff you want to say/give I'd like to see/know. This is my 2nd time on a transgender forum (Still very new to this as I said earlier given my last experience) so are there any rules that differ from regular forums? What's the sig size limit? Is there anyone here whose going through most of/all of what I'm going through and if so, do you know if they'd be willing to talk with me? Any advice on what are the best places to go to here in Susan's place? And lastly, thanks for any and all help etc. and for reading my wall of text post and I hope I haven't forgotten something here but if you have a question for me, just ask. :)
EDIT: How come it says I'm a visitor when I'm not? And how come I can't upload an Avatar? And why is there a verification letters and 2 math problems for me to have to answer every single time? IS there a way to turn that off?
I'm Shana-chan. I was born with a male body however, last Fall I somehow called myself a female in my head by mistake, ever since then I've spent a LOT of time questioning, wondering, thinking/reflecting on the past etc. about it and long story short I realized I've always felt mostly in between (Neither male nor female) while at other times I'd feel female and then rarely male. Now a days whenever I'm around people I mostly feel male which is VERY confusing and hard on me since I prefer to be female. I'm not like most guys tbh. I'm not very strong nor do I care about strength and I don't really act like a male too much if at any, in fact, I enjoy doing female stuff. This is kind of strange seeing as how when I was a kid the boys would ask if I was a girl and I'd get annoyed and or angry because I wasn't a girl. Same with when someone would call me a ma'am on the phone but now a days it makes me happy when they call me a ma'am (Sadly it rarely happens anymore) and when someone calls me a girl. (Only been called a girl online and I'm not a social person in RL yet I still know how society works all too well for how they judge and treat people who're different) I do get both males and females but also don't at times.
So anyway I switch between male, female and in between throughout the day but I'd prefer to feel and to BE female (Have a female body/female everything) so please call/refer to me as a she. Thanks. The switching between genders throughout the day is hard on me at times and I don't know how to control it if there even is a way? If there is a way, please tell me, thanks. I have breasts, small and no I didn't get them from fat, got them 1-3 years before I hit puberty but wish they were a LOT bigger. (I know I should be thankful to even have them, can't help how I feel though) I know I like woman, that is a fact, guess that kind of makes me gay in a way. (Don't really care) However even though I don't like guys in that way I can't help but picture "it" going up in me while master you know at times. (I've never you know like males do, can't really, not easy for me and doesn't feel good that way) I suppose that is normal since my sister told me even gay woman picture that stuff. (Already figured none gay woman pictured it) Also I know what a mother's love feels like since when I see a cat that's the feeling I get towards the cat, a mother's love. Btw, I don't have kids nor have I ever been in a real relationship let alone been kissed on the lips and am still a virgin. Been wearing female cloths since last year, just not out in public, have yet to tell people except my sister and a select few people which other than my sister, didn't turn out well. -_- Well at least my sis is supportive but my Dad, I'd like to tell him but he told me in these exact words "if I'm planning on becoming a girl then (And this is where his tone of voice became more serious) I'd better not tell him" which, that's worrisome. (He thinks people like us are confused and his church has brain washed him and I'm sure given what he said he suspects what I am but doesn't want to admit it) Btw I'm an adult, live in the US in GA and live by myself. My Dad is my representative payee (Due to circumstances I'm getting a late start in life) and I have no job atm nor have I ever worked before. So what do you think he'd do/react if I told him?
I am now wearing a bra out in public and recently I met my Dad while wearing my bra and I'm not sure if he noticed or not. Oh and already talked to my Dad about me wearing a bra, he thinks unless my breasts are big I shouldn't wear it despite me telling him how it makes me feel when I don't wear one. Anyway there are still many female things I'd like to do, I'm to the point where I'm just wanting to wear what I want to wear and be myself however, I ain't got a job, don't have a car and atm I'm taking some driving lessons to see if I can drive, so far it's going good but I ain't got a license to drive yet and the little research I did didn't look too promising for people like us for getting a job and also for being treated right AT the job. It's only thanks to the government that I'm able to be where I'm at today but the money will run out within the next 2-3 months max IF I'm really lucky so I NEED a job and asap! It's also very hard on me since I fear what others will think of me/how they'll treat me if they knew my secret. Also my so called "family" isn't a family to me so I doubt I have anyone who I can turn to for help that "can" help me. So given all this, I WANT to come out but, I don't know what he'll do/react and if I try to get a job, chances are I'll be turned down just because of "what" and "who" I am. I now have to decide whether to go and buy male interview cloths or female interview cloths (If you can help me decide, then thank you, any advice is appreciated) and I know the smartest thing to do is to "hide" who I am but that's not right, we shouldn't have to do that. :( Further more for males when they go to an interview, it said they're supposed to have clean cut nails, mine are clean, they're cut, but, cut in terms of how a girl's nails are cut. Mine are long, I like them that way, I even wear nail polish from time to time and so, they might not hire me just because of the long nails, not to mention, I now wear a bra every day and every where I go though for the interview itself I "could" go without one, but I shouldn't have too. Really I shouldn't HAVE to lie about who I am or try to cover it up and it really gets to me that for males, certain jobs such as Publix requires them to have short hair which is REALLY wrong, they don't "own" them so I'll NEVER work for them if I can help it. ^_^; So really I just don't know what to do, any advice and help you or anyone can give is much appreciated and thank you. Also, I prefer to feel female but my switching between the 3 is really getting to me and makes it confusing/hard for me, so if you know of a way to keep it at one, and switch between the 3 at will then if you can tell me then thank you very much. So, what should I do? Any advice?
Well to wrap this up (Sorry I talk a lot at times and I imagine I'll be doing that a lot here, sorry, I tried and will try to continue to try), Any advice/stuff you want to say/give I'd like to see/know. This is my 2nd time on a transgender forum (Still very new to this as I said earlier given my last experience) so are there any rules that differ from regular forums? What's the sig size limit? Is there anyone here whose going through most of/all of what I'm going through and if so, do you know if they'd be willing to talk with me? Any advice on what are the best places to go to here in Susan's place? And lastly, thanks for any and all help etc. and for reading my wall of text post and I hope I haven't forgotten something here but if you have a question for me, just ask. :)
EDIT: How come it says I'm a visitor when I'm not? And how come I can't upload an Avatar? And why is there a verification letters and 2 math problems for me to have to answer every single time? IS there a way to turn that off?
Title: Re: Shana-chan here
Post by: Cindy on August 03, 2013, 04:10:38 AM
Post by: Cindy on August 03, 2013, 04:10:38 AM
Hi Shana,
Welcome - and this is like no other transgender site. We care, we support and we are family.
Take a bit of time to relax and look around.
The Terms of Service( ToS) are in the announcement area and another of the Global Moderators will give you a link soon. I'm totally disorganized so I don't!
OK to your post and concerns, well first I'm in Australia so things are a little different. I'm a woman who was born with defects but they are getting under control. I live full time 100% me.
Reading your post I think it is pretty important that you see a gender therapist ASAP. They can start to guide you into treatment, (your Dad doesn't sound too bad compared to some BTW). Since you are developing breasts prior to HRT you may have an intersex condition and you need professional care.
In any case being transgendered needs help and help is available. You are in the USA and treatment there seems to go from excellent to non-existent, some of the USA girls will guide you on that.
Don't feel shy and stuff, we are a very friendly family here; yes, family. We care about each other and try to help - if we are allowed to! Only the person wanting the help can decide that.
Anyway
Welcome and Hugs
Cindy
Welcome - and this is like no other transgender site. We care, we support and we are family.
Take a bit of time to relax and look around.
The Terms of Service( ToS) are in the announcement area and another of the Global Moderators will give you a link soon. I'm totally disorganized so I don't!
OK to your post and concerns, well first I'm in Australia so things are a little different. I'm a woman who was born with defects but they are getting under control. I live full time 100% me.
Reading your post I think it is pretty important that you see a gender therapist ASAP. They can start to guide you into treatment, (your Dad doesn't sound too bad compared to some BTW). Since you are developing breasts prior to HRT you may have an intersex condition and you need professional care.
In any case being transgendered needs help and help is available. You are in the USA and treatment there seems to go from excellent to non-existent, some of the USA girls will guide you on that.
Don't feel shy and stuff, we are a very friendly family here; yes, family. We care about each other and try to help - if we are allowed to! Only the person wanting the help can decide that.
Anyway
Welcome and Hugs
Cindy
Title: Re: Shana-chan here
Post by: V M on August 03, 2013, 04:24:54 AM
Post by: V M on August 03, 2013, 04:24:54 AM
Hi Shana :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here
Please be sure to review
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here
Please be sure to review
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Shana-chan here
Post by: Amelia Pond on August 03, 2013, 06:22:11 AM
Post by: Amelia Pond on August 03, 2013, 06:22:11 AM
Welcome to Susan's, Shana! :)
I second everything Cindy said, except the part about being in Australia because I'm not. ;)
I'm sorry that I don't have anything more specific to say to answer your questions but Cindy wrapped things up so nicely and it's the middle of the night for me and I should be sleep but can't. When I'm awake, I'll be of more use. :icon_sleep:
Amy
I second everything Cindy said, except the part about being in Australia because I'm not. ;)
I'm sorry that I don't have anything more specific to say to answer your questions but Cindy wrapped things up so nicely and it's the middle of the night for me and I should be sleep but can't. When I'm awake, I'll be of more use. :icon_sleep:
Amy
Title: Re: Shana-chan here
Post by: Jamie D on August 03, 2013, 11:36:34 AM
Post by: Jamie D on August 03, 2013, 11:36:34 AM
Shana, the CAPTCHA is a security measure to help ensure the safety of the members.
Similarly, you will be able to modify your Forum Profile to add an avatar and use the site personal messaging utility after you have 15 posts.
Though I don't like to label myself, I identify as bi-gendered. That means that' like you, I have my male moments and I have my female moments. I feel that my girl inside is the better part of me, but I carry with me the effects of years of male socialization. I find it difficult, in some situations, to mask my male self, though I do try.
Welcome to the site. I think you will enjoy yourself here. I am pleased to meet you.
Similarly, you will be able to modify your Forum Profile to add an avatar and use the site personal messaging utility after you have 15 posts.
Though I don't like to label myself, I identify as bi-gendered. That means that' like you, I have my male moments and I have my female moments. I feel that my girl inside is the better part of me, but I carry with me the effects of years of male socialization. I find it difficult, in some situations, to mask my male self, though I do try.
Welcome to the site. I think you will enjoy yourself here. I am pleased to meet you.
Title: Re: Shana-chan here
Post by: Devlyn on August 03, 2013, 11:45:37 AM
Post by: Devlyn on August 03, 2013, 11:45:37 AM
Hi Shana, welcome to Susan's Place! I live near Boston. The Wiki is full of information without the human interaction, but what fun would that be? You can drop that brick wall defense, we don't bite here! Make some friends! Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Shana-chan here
Post by: Shana-chan on August 04, 2013, 04:09:52 AM
Post by: Shana-chan on August 04, 2013, 04:09:52 AM
Thanks for the warm welcome everyone and for all the help, though is there a place in here which I can address all my concerns and ask questions etc. where people will answer them? I tried asking in my wall of text post, some of it was me introducing myself and so on but the rest was necessary to explain so ya'll could know my sitch which I need answers to the questions I asked. Btw, shaving my hair off almost my entire body is a LOT of work and time consuming. :P (Especially since it comes back not but 2-3 days later and needs shaving again. -_- ) Anyway it's nice to meet you all. (I'll try to re-read the rules since I've forgotten some of them already)
@Devlyn: I'm not about to drop my brick wall defense all the way but I'll try. See I grew up each day having to deal with war between most of my family. (Not just my parents) Have been hurt by people a lot including so called "friends" (one of the reasons why it takes a while before I'll be someone's friend) and knowing how society treats people who're different, well, you can see why when ya'll said you care and we're family here that I'd be very skeptical of that. I'm amazed I can still trust anyone tbh. My Mama was the only person I could go to and tell her anything and sadly, over 4 years ago she passed away so I'm unable to talk to her. :( Wish I could talk to her about my sitch since I didn't know until last year... and my Dad is NOTHING like my Mama was. I know he wouldn't be supportive of my sitch and would say I'm confused or have demons in me or that the devil is tricking me...
@Cindy: I'm not familiar with some of these terms people have been saying such as HRT and I don't fully know what a gender therapist is? (Yes I'm that new to this and have been dealing with this mostly by myself since last fall) Also, thank you for saying intersex. See I actually wondered if that might be the case and went to my Doc to talk to him about it and see if he could tell me if I was or not and run tests if need be however, he said that they'd have checked for that at birth and that I had Gynecomastia http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/boybrst.html (http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/boybrst.html) so there was no way I could be intersex. I had already researched Gynecomastia and it happens DURING puberty and at birth. I don't remember whether I had these breasts when I was growing up but I know I had them 1-3 years before I hit puberty and only 30% of people KEEP the breast tissue for those who have Gynecomastia. It really hurt me that no matter what I tried to say, that he said otherwise and just "literally" labeled (wrote down on actual medical record for my visit) me as having Gynecomastia. :( It further didn't help that my Dad was brought into the topic (Because he needed to be) and sided with the Doc. I again thank you for mentioning intersex since I did a search and found THIS which is REALLY unbelievable. :o www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex (http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex)
My Doc doesn't know what he is talking about when he said they'd have searched for that at birth as that link above proves otherwise. (Actually ima do a search to see how "often" they really search at birth) Anyway my Dad doesn't remember me having breasts when I was growing up but his memory can't be relied on too much due to old age setting in and due to me growing up away from him at or around the age of 7. The good news is I went to a hormone doc and he did some tests involving blood and ugh physically touching my body and said I don't have a tumor or cancer. Btw, what did you mean by professional care since I may have in intersex condition?
Well everyone here is MORE than welcome to help me if they're able too.
@Devlyn: I'm not about to drop my brick wall defense all the way but I'll try. See I grew up each day having to deal with war between most of my family. (Not just my parents) Have been hurt by people a lot including so called "friends" (one of the reasons why it takes a while before I'll be someone's friend) and knowing how society treats people who're different, well, you can see why when ya'll said you care and we're family here that I'd be very skeptical of that. I'm amazed I can still trust anyone tbh. My Mama was the only person I could go to and tell her anything and sadly, over 4 years ago she passed away so I'm unable to talk to her. :( Wish I could talk to her about my sitch since I didn't know until last year... and my Dad is NOTHING like my Mama was. I know he wouldn't be supportive of my sitch and would say I'm confused or have demons in me or that the devil is tricking me...
@Cindy: I'm not familiar with some of these terms people have been saying such as HRT and I don't fully know what a gender therapist is? (Yes I'm that new to this and have been dealing with this mostly by myself since last fall) Also, thank you for saying intersex. See I actually wondered if that might be the case and went to my Doc to talk to him about it and see if he could tell me if I was or not and run tests if need be however, he said that they'd have checked for that at birth and that I had Gynecomastia http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/boybrst.html (http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/boybrst.html) so there was no way I could be intersex. I had already researched Gynecomastia and it happens DURING puberty and at birth. I don't remember whether I had these breasts when I was growing up but I know I had them 1-3 years before I hit puberty and only 30% of people KEEP the breast tissue for those who have Gynecomastia. It really hurt me that no matter what I tried to say, that he said otherwise and just "literally" labeled (wrote down on actual medical record for my visit) me as having Gynecomastia. :( It further didn't help that my Dad was brought into the topic (Because he needed to be) and sided with the Doc. I again thank you for mentioning intersex since I did a search and found THIS which is REALLY unbelievable. :o www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex (http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex)
My Doc doesn't know what he is talking about when he said they'd have searched for that at birth as that link above proves otherwise. (Actually ima do a search to see how "often" they really search at birth) Anyway my Dad doesn't remember me having breasts when I was growing up but his memory can't be relied on too much due to old age setting in and due to me growing up away from him at or around the age of 7. The good news is I went to a hormone doc and he did some tests involving blood and ugh physically touching my body and said I don't have a tumor or cancer. Btw, what did you mean by professional care since I may have in intersex condition?
Well everyone here is MORE than welcome to help me if they're able too.
Title: Re: Shana-chan here
Post by: Susan on August 04, 2013, 08:43:46 AM
Post by: Susan on August 04, 2013, 08:43:46 AM
Welcome Shana-chan, we are so glad you are here!
Title: Re: Shana-chan here
Post by: Shana-chan on August 05, 2013, 03:48:54 PM
Post by: Shana-chan on August 05, 2013, 03:48:54 PM
...I'm sure it's the wall of text post, even the half wall of text 2nd post here of mine but for those who have the time to read it/them and can help, please help.. I've been really down lately and while I know people care about me, I can't help but feel they don't. (Especially given how I grew up and now my current situation) And if you don't have the time to read them then where is the best place in here which I can address all my concerns and ask questions etc. where people will answer them?...