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I wanted to wait for the right time to tell my father, my aunts, and uncles.  Apparently my family couldn't allow me the time to prepare things in therapy and decided to tell them and out me.  I guess I should have known because my father stopped talking to me 3 weeks ago, and removed me from his insurance.  Serioulsy, that's not cool.  Let me tell my family when I am prepared and have created the letters.  Now, my aunt and uncle are coming over today for what appears to be an intervention.  I'm lucky my dad lives far away from me.  Well, I'm not going to pacify anyone.  I refuse to talk and be belittled.  This is the last straw.  I have a right over my own private personal information.  And I don't need people attacking me at all angles.  I'm a nice person.  I treat others with respect.  I care about their feelings and always have stood by my family.  If they can't do the same, screw them.  I rarely drink, but today is a good day for it. 

P.S. Sorry if this is the wrong category, I am beyond pissed and am not thinking staight.

And apparently, I'm too senstive about this.  I should be grateful that they told everyone and are attacking me.  Seriously, I really give up at this point.  No respect.

Big hug! Coming out events can be bumpy. The good news is, once done it's behind you forever.  Hugs, Devlyn

LtL, you have every right to be angry. What your family is doing is disrespectful and antagonistic.

I don't know what your family members perceive their motives to be, but outing you prematurely strikes me as as politics: a preemptive attack on your ability to shape your messaging.

Maddy shares your frustration

That was an incredibly rude thing to do, LTL...*hugs* and **STRENGTH** to stand your ground and assert yourself and your right to live as YOU see fit.

Anyone who denies this very basic right, does not deserve any respect or courtesy.

Good luck! And like Devlyn said--there's only one "coming out", make it one they'll remember!

I really feel like my family is dead to me.  This was unforgivable.  My dad has been calling 20 times in the span of 10 minutes.  This is after not talking to me for 3 weeks.  And now my mom says he doesn't know "everything" just most of it and she is trying to force me on the phone to make it all clear.  Seriously, she is some evil twisted person to try to force someone in tears into something they can't handle. 

Apparently forcing me to speak to people that I have been outed to when I was prepared is a test of how serious I am about transitioning, which my mother says in a cruel with no compassion.  Seriously, I have never been so pissed, angry, depressed, scared and sad all at one moment.  I wish there was more alcohol in this cheap bottle of wine.

Quote from: learningtolive on August 03, 2013, 04:47:06 PM
Apparently forcing me to speak to people that I have been outed to when I was prepared is a test of how serious I am about transitioning, which my mother says in a cruel with no compassion.  Seriously, I have never been so pissed, angry, depressed, scared and sad all at one moment.  I wish there was more alcohol in this cheap bottle of wine.

On the other hand, there's no going back now, look forward, and be yourself!

They're giving you an intervention? That's crazy. I wish I had some words of encouragement or consolation but it's hard for me to understand this behavior. They are trying to make things so difficult for you that you won't transition. I'm going to go ahead and assume that your mom has never had to deal with any real problems from you or your sisters. By the time I was three, I had incredibly serious medical problems (life and death not chicken pox) so my mom is used to me being a problem. But I'm also pretty sweet and I guess just cute and my BF says it's hard to even get mad at me, so I guess I got that going for me...plus thinking of e as female really isn't a jump for anyone.

I'm assuming that your mom had no clue whatsoever. You should write a book on the perils of coming out. I remember when you were all excited and your sisters were so supportive and now...this. Jeez. Ugh. I think you should consider moving anywhere just to get away. Start putting up ads for roommates. I don't know though maybe it comes across worse then it is over the internet and living there is bearable? Not sure.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on August 03, 2013, 04:51:37 PM
They're giving you an intervention? That's crazy. I wish I had some words of encouragement or consolation but it's hard for me to understand this behavior. They are trying to make things so difficult for you that you won't transition. I'm going to go ahead and assume that your mom has never had to deal with any real problems from you or your sisters. By the time I was three, I had incredibly serious medical problems (life and death not chicken pox) so my mom is used to me being a problem. But I'm also pretty sweet and I guess just cute and my BF says it's hard to even get mad at me, so I guess I got that going for me...plus thinking of e as female really isn't a jump for anyone.

I'm assuming that your mom had no clue whatsoever. You should write a book on the perils of coming out. I remember when you were all excited and your sisters were so supportive and now...this. Jeez. Ugh. I think you should consider moving anywhere just to get away. Start putting up ads for roommates. I don't know though maybe it comes across worse then it is over the internet and living there is bearable? Not sure.

It felt like our relationship was slowly improving, but today it just exploded again.  It's not always so bad as this morning we were talking and watching tv with each other. I love my mom, she means everything to me and shes a good person.  But I am not a gosip article for people to get their kicks off of.  I am a person with feelings.  My mom loves me.  And I understand it is difficult for her to hide it from my father as it isn't easy.  Apparently, my father saw things from insurance statements that made him question and my mom blurted out most of it.  I suppose that's why I'm off the insurance.  And my aunt and uncle know because my mom wanted to see if someone was willing to take me in if she decides to kick me out because she can't handle the transition.  I keep hearing different things and don't kbnow what really happened.  I'm just sitting in my room alone ignoring everybody and hoping it will all go away.

Don't get too drunk, you will need your wits about you, especially if things turn very ugly confrontation-wise.

More *hugs*

My aunt and uncle have been here for about 5 minutes.  No one is trying to get me, so maybe they will leave me alone.  I can't take this.  It's like watching a horror movie and not knowing whats going to happen.  All I wanted to do tonight was relax and study math while listening to classical music.  That was my big plans for the evening.  I didn't want to be going through emotional upheaval I wasn't ready for.  but maybe it will go away.  Let's all hope :)  Everyone hope really hard for me,lol.  They still haven't knocked on my door and the yelling has stopped 20 minutes or so ago.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on August 03, 2013, 05:02:41 PM
Don't get too drunk, you will need your wits about you, especially if things turn very ugly confrontation-wise.

More *hugs*

It's too late.  But I appreciate the concern.  I never drink, but I need an escape during these situations.  It's just one bottle of wine, though I admit that is a big deal for a huge lightweight like myself,lol.

This is awful. I love my son and I would never do something like that to him.

I really feel for you learningtolive. I do. I wrote off my parents about six months ago before coming out. It sucks but if that's what you have to do to not live in hell then so be it. Otherwise chill on the wine and start thinking. Analyze the problems at hand and find a solution. :(

Well,one piece of good news throughout this, though unrelated.  I just noticed that I got a job interview offer sent to me today.  I guess it couldn't have come at a better time,lol.  At least that wil cheer me up through all of this.  So yay for that at least :)

Ltl I'm so sorry to hear about how things went down with your family. Your mom had no right to talk to anyone about your transition. I hope that things with the rest of your family goes better. Maybe they have better heads on their shoulders.

LtL,
I sent you a PM with an offer which I really hope you will act on.
Also, apart from numbing your brain, getting pissed won't really help you very much. That being said, sometimes a bit of numbing maybe the best thing you can do.
Take care.
Donna

If they do come knocking on your door, is it an option to simply refuse to participate in their "intervention"?

You can always call the cops or go over to a friends place.

I hope things are quieting down there.

No one is confronting me.  It's quiet.  I imagine they are gossiping about me in the other room.  Yet, I m okay for now.  I would leave, but I am in no condition to drive at the moment.  And I really have no where to go or anyone that would take me in. 

I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but you have my best wishes getting through this.

LtL,

I'm sorry for all that your family has put you through. From your posts you've always seemed like such a kind, caring person and it's just awful for everything they've been doing to you. You definitely deserve better.

I know that nothing I can say will help you feel better. I'm just so... so sorry that your family is treating you like this.

Good luck on your job interview, I hope it works out. :)

*BIG HUGS*

Amy

My heart totally goes out to you. It's so frustrating when family makes a difficult process that much more difficult. Your impulse to move to independence is a good one. The sooner you can make the decision to filter them out completely if you wish, the better. I hope one of those job prospects contains insurance coverage for therapy. Having been estranged from my family, I know something of how you feel, but at least they leave me alone. You can get through this and be you!

--Jane

I'm sorry LTL I know how you feel trust me I do. There have been few family members I've actually had to tell most have found out other ways. It's an unfortunate part of coming out I've learned. But look on the bright side at least now that they do know you don't have to fret over how to tell them.

So sorry to hear that Learningtolive, no one should have that happen to them. The situation is what you make out of it. If you draw a negative inferrence out of it then it will be, if you make it a positive one, then it can be. Let us know which path you pick, and how it goes!

How are you doing today ? Best wishes

Sorry for the delay everyone.  Last night was rough for me emotionally, I admit I didn't behave in the most mature manner.  I hope people realize that I'm just under a lot of stress from this.  I am usually a much more rational person.

I didn't see my aunt or uncle.  They never confronted me, which I am grateful for.  However, I had a huge fight with my mother last night.  I don't want to get into everything, but there was lots of tears and yelling.  Suffice it to say, it was bad.  As of now, I don't know where we all stand.  My mom called me this morning to say that she loves me, will always be there for me, and realizes that this is something I feel the need to do though she doesn't understand it and it's hard for her.  I think that's the best reaction I have gotten from my mother at this point.  I'm praying things will improve because my family is everything. We were improving our relationship slowly before this, so I don't know if this is bound to come up again.   Time will tell. 

As for my Dad, my mom lied to me about telling him outright in order to get a rise out of me and to test me.  I hear different things, so I don't fully know what's what.  Apparently, he knows I am on female hormones, seeing an endocrinologist, see a gender therapist, and that my mom is very angry with me for doing something big.  I think it's clear that he knows from that information.  I didn't talk to him because I just can't right now.  But I was fortunate to get mail sent to me from him which was a bill.  The worst thing to get after a major fight with family is a bill sent to you from your father, especially when you are completely broke. 

In any event, things are better(?).  I'm not too sure, but I am alive and kicking.  I guess that is what matters most. 

As I posted on another post with life comes hope.

With you mother it sounds like she needs time to come to terms with this, I know it doesn't help you but it does seem like she is at least trying to come to terms with what you are going through.

Quote from: JulieR on August 04, 2013, 12:08:41 PM
I agree with White Rabbit, I think the blowout yesterday was the final gasp in her fighting against your transition.  She'll be different from now on (although there may yet be some snags).

Hopefully you are right Julie and your remark made me think of the "SARAH" change model http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newPPM_96.htm (http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newPPM_96.htm) which is probably very pertinent in this particular situation. The example given is from business but the issues raised by a transition are almost identical.

However, for it to work, someone needs to be managing the process and for now at least, there is not much to suggest that anyone is. We have been saying it almost from the beginning of LtL's posts, third party assistance would be very helpful in getting everyone to stand back from things a bit and look for a positive path forward.

Bises.
Donna

Quote from: Donna Elvira on August 04, 2013, 12:47:23 PM
Hopefully you are right Julie and your remark made me think of the "SARAH" change model http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newPPM_96.htm (http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newPPM_96.htm) which is probably very pertinent in this particular situation. The example given is from business but the issues raised by a transition are almost identical.

However, for it to work, someone needs to be managing the process and for now at least, there is not much to suggest that anyone is. We have been saying it almost from the beginning of LtL's posts, third party assistance would be very helpful in getting everyone to stand back from things a bit and look for a positive path forward.

Bises.
Donna

Well, there are plenty of opportunities for my mom to take up.  I have a therapist who she is more than willing to speak with (and has).  I am willing to see a therapist of her choice given that they have the proper credentials.  Also, I am willing to go to support groups with my mom and I've even connected her with a support group for parents of transgender kids.  My mom wasn't ready for it at that point in time.  I am hoping that will soon change.  I can't force it on my mom.  That doesn't work as she only gets more angry.  Right now, we have slowey been healing and that has worked (up until last night).  Still we made up this morning.  Things are slowly improving, so I have faith it will improve in time.  When I feel the time is right, I will suggest these things to her again.  But she needs to be willing, as well as my sisters. 

Quote from: JulieR on August 04, 2013, 12:08:41 PM
I agree with White Rabbit, I think the blowout yesterday was the final gasp in her fighting against your transition.  She'll be different from now on (although there may yet be some snags).

Quote from: White Rabbit on August 04, 2013, 12:01:28 PM
As I posted on another post with life comes hope.

With you mother it sounds like she needs time to come to terms with this, I know it doesn't help you but it does seem like she is at least trying to come to terms with what you are going through.

I hope you are both right. 

I also want to add that things aren't horrific either.  My mom is a great person as are my sisters.  We are all struggling with this, but that doesn't mean anything bad about my family,  There is a whole other side to them which is kind and loving.  Even throughout this, there have been touching moments with my family.  It's sometimes hard to see those moments when the negatives always are what appear on the surface.  So despite the difficulties, there is still a strong family unit, even if it is a little damaged at the moment.  I tend to talk about family issues when they arise and that may create a more negative aura around what is happening.  While what I have stated is all true, there is more to it then that.  I use this forum to vent and say the things I can't say.  So it may appear things are much worse than they are.  So if anyone is reading my thread and haven't come out yet, please don't let it discourage you.  It's tough, but it isnt always so bad.  You will just usually hear talk about these things during the bad moments.  I should make it a point to share the positives more. 

I wonder if there isn't a silver lining to this.  I think it shows that your mom is not focused on stopping you, or okay with putting you out on the street.  She reached out to your Aunt and Uncle (definitely not cool without consulting you) because she is resigned to the fact that this is happening and if she can't deal with the changes she wants you to have a place to stay.  Also, it sounds like she only told your dad because he saw things going on with your insurance and she didn't know how else to explain it.  I know I'm giving her some credit here, but maybe it isn't all bad.

I'm so sorry to see you having to go through this and in such a way. I'm not going to pretend that I can relate, because I can't but I know enough I feel of you to know that where there's a positive you'll find it and you have enough inside you for it to build your character rather than diminish it.

Quote from: Jen on August 04, 2013, 03:21:35 PM
I wonder if there isn't a silver lining to this.  I think it shows that your mom is not focused on stopping you, or okay with putting you out on the street.  She reached out to your Aunt and Uncle (definitely not cool without consulting you) because she is resigned to the fact that this is happening and if she can't deal with the changes she wants you to have a place to stay.  Also, it sounds like she only told your dad because he saw things going on with your insurance and she didn't know how else to explain it.  I know I'm giving her some credit here, but maybe it isn't all bad.

There is nothing wrong about giving my mom credit.  Now that I have had time to digest things and have calmed down, I feel more okay with everything.  My mom does love me and only wants the best for me.  That's what makes this all hard.  She's convinced I'm destroying my life and reacts with a lot of emotion as a result.  All in all, she is a wonderful woman who only loves and cares about me.  It's just hard for us all and sometimes it turns into major fighting.  But she doesn't want to see me homeless nor does she want me to have a bad life.  It's just hard for her to determine what place she will have in my life going forward. 

In other news, I have talked to my father.  Well, sort of.  We texted a little today.  This is the first time we talked in 3 weeks.  We were talking about other subjects, and I told him something is going on that I'm not ready to talk about.  He responded with "let me know when you are ready to talk".  I feel like that's an okay response, so I'm a little more positive about his potential reaction.  Hopefully, it will all go okay.

Quote from: learningtolive on August 04, 2013, 06:42:30 PM
"let me know when you are ready to talk".

All things considered, that sounds quite conciliatory.

Maddy

Sounds like things might be looking a bit better for you, I hope it continues in that direction.