Susan's Place Transgender Resources

i'm so sick of life. it's so unfair having to put up with living in this horrible body with parents telling you that you are a boy when obviously you are not. i'm sick of seeing other girls wearing makeup, dresseed, skirts, girly singlets, piercings, really short shorts and other feminine clothes and me not allowed to wear any at all, having to wear disgusting mens clothes that I HATE and whenever I bring anything trans related up to my parents we have a fight. I'm sick o being bullied and ostricised at school by every one - boys and girls - and being called an 'it' by someone just because I asked to be treated like a girl. I'm sick of being so pathetic and so expected to be masculine that I cannot find love. The other day I saw a woman walk past and for some reason I was so upset and wished that was me I wanted to jump from the nearby ledge but then I realised it would be impossible to die becus it's too short and i would probably just really hurt myself. I'm sick of other girls crying about how they hate their bodies and then I feel like saying, "wel at least your actually a girl!" Pretty much my entire school hates me and i wanna switch schools but my parents say it will just be the same. if i went to another school i could start from scratch. you see, my friendships at my current school were destroyed by me being stupid and tring to impress one person who now hates me most of all. i'm so sick of this. it is my fault.

okay. i've had so many thoughts of suicide it's not even funny anymore. i've self harmed and now i'm at my breaking point. i've delayed my suicide for quite a while now. and ive figured to to write the note to - my only 'friend' tamara. i need t tell someone EVERYTHING otherwise i would have died for nothing. i'm going to tell her about how i felt, why i did it, how much i hated my body, everything! including my love for her best friend, Crystal who didn't understand me and thought I was just a joke. I'm also going to leave her a necklace and one for her to give to crystal - something to remember me by.

okay it feels pretty bad now. i'm just about had it. i cannot handle male puberty - it makes me want to stab myslef in the heart - that's how i plan to do it. it breaks my heart being transsexual. i'm just about had it. i cannot even keep focused at shool it hurts so bad. just simply being allowed to dress like a girl would make me feel so much better. and now it's over. it's just i have this tiny feeling in my head thats stopping me. i'm being told there is hope, and even though this little feeling of hope usually betrays me and is wrong, I am getting attached to it and it's bad. what should i do?

I know it's cliche Lilly, but it DOES get better. Soon you will be living on your own and no one can tell you what to do but yourself. Just hang in there. I know it sucks but please hang in there. We're all here for you.

Xoxo,
Chrystal

As Joules and Chrystal have said. Suicide is not the solution as your situation is temporary. Things can and will get better if you apply yourself. I could go on and on at you, but I personally don't think it helps. What I think helps is having someone to talk to, that will listen to me. I am more than willing to talk to you if you ever fancy a chin wag :]

You asked what you should do. You should call one of these suicide hotlines. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112672.0.html They are trained to save your life, let them help you. Hugs, Devlyn

I've been there before and know what it feels like to have these negative thoughts.  Suicide is never a solution.  I firmly believe that this life is all we have.  Why through that away along with all of your potential and the wonderful opportunities you can take advantage once you know how to do so?  Please get that out of your head right now.  How to solve your pain?  Well, it all depends.  Some benefit from therapy, medication and positive thinking.  Personally, I have always found thinking positive thoughts and following that with actions that would improve my situation has always served me well.  You sound young.  Believe me, there are many of us here who went through these times as kids and we reflect back on those times with a sense of inner peace knowing that we never made that mistake.

You need to take action to solve the problem.  Rarely in life do things sort themselves out by chance.  So I suggest you find the root cause of your depression and try to ameliorate the situation by finding a strategy that will improve your life.  It may sound daunting, but you can do it.  Please have faith in yourself and all will follow through. 

P.S.  My advice is more long term thinking.  If you are in a panic situation and need immediate help the quoted post should be your first move. 

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on August 17, 2013, 06:06:40 PM
You asked what you should do. You should call one of these suicide hotlines. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112672.0.html They are trained to save your life, let them help you. Hugs, Devlyn

Suicide is no answer,you have a full and rewarding life ahead.It will be hard but not impossible,don't give up before you start.It does get better I've been there

I'm not sure if this is "right", but here goes.

There will come a day when you will have the opportunity to transition, when you're old enough (sorry, no idea how old you are, as you've not said in your post), but it doesn't mean you can't dress up now. Personally, I would say that your parents are being a little selfish by not allowing you to express your true self. Can they not see that you are at wit's end?! I was watching a video on YouTube the other day where there was this young FtM that was in tears because of the emotional pain they were suffering, so I can only imagine what you are going through at the moment.

Like the others have said, suicide is not the answer. It's only a way to avoid the issue and death will surely be more permanent than waiting to begin your transition. My advice would be to start expressing your feminine side, even if it's only in the privacy of your bedroom. You can't live your life for other people forever and other people will sooner or later have to realise that, however old you are when you tell them. Do you have a friend who you can stay with for overnight stays, one who you can confide in? If so, then you will have somewhere you can express your feminine side without worrying about what your parents will say. Your teenage years are there for a reason, you know. ;) :laugh: If you're not there just yet, you'll know what I mean when you do get there.

Please, I implore you, think about your options. Focus your energies on making the best of a bad situation.

As the man once said, "the best is yet to come".

Chris

Quote from: Lilyyy on August 17, 2013, 05:44:17 PMwhat should i do?

Stop hurting yourself and DON'T comment suicide. Call a suicide hotline immediately and talk with them. As others have said that pain will NOT last forever! You're still young, things WILL get better at some point. Yes it's hard, yes it's not going to be easy BUT! Giving up will NOT accomplish anything at all. If you want some hope then aside from what we're saying and calling the suicide hotline then take a look in this thread. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.msg1173149.html#msg1173149

If they can become what they truly are then SO CAN YOU! Hang in there, it won't be easy but you CAN become what you truly are! In the mean time, plan out your future so transitioning will be easier when you finally can. Hang in there Lily.

It got better for me.

It got better when a good friend and teacher took me off the regular math track and allowed me to take as much or as little time as I needed.

It got better when I moved from sixth to seventh grade and that jerk-gaarwykaagh of a teacher who told me boys don't cry (and made my life hell to help me practice the same) was no longer someone I had to see every day.

It got better when I decided "screw it, I'm still going to sing."  And it got better when that same voice that got me thrown out of choir started earning me compliments.

It got better when I wasn't expected to strip naked in front of my peers anymore.

It got better when people twice my age started asking me to teach them things.

It got better when I heard "demisexual," explained for the first time.

I can't guess what moments are waiting for you, because I know the hurts you carry aren't the same as mine.  In fact, they might be exactly the opposite.

But I do remember feeling things couldn't possibly get any better, day after day.

But they did.

Quote from: Lilyyy on August 17, 2013, 05:44:17 PM
i'm so sick of life. it's so unfair having to put up with living in this horrible body with parents telling you that you are a boy when obviously you are not. i'm sick of seeing other girls wearing makeup, dresseed, skirts, girly singlets, piercings, really short shorts and other feminine clothes and me not allowed to wear any at all, having to wear disgusting mens clothes that I HATE and whenever I bring anything trans related up to my parents we have a fight. I'm sick o being bullied and ostricised at school by every one - boys and girls - and being called an 'it' by someone just because I asked to be treated like a girl. I'm sick of being so pathetic and so expected to be masculine that I cannot find love. The other day I saw a woman walk past and for some reason I was so upset and wished that was me I wanted to jump from the nearby ledge but then I realised it would be impossible to die becus it's too short and i would probably just really hurt myself. I'm sick of other girls crying about how they hate their bodies and then I feel like saying, "wel at least your actually a girl!" Pretty much my entire school hates me and i wanna switch schools but my parents say it will just be the same. if i went to another school i could start from scratch. you see, my friendships at my current school were destroyed by me being stupid and tring to impress one person who now hates me most of all. i'm so sick of this. it is my fault.

okay. i've had so many thoughts of suicide it's not even funny anymore. i've self harmed and now i'm at my breaking point. i've delayed my suicide for quite a while now. and ive figured to to write the note to - my only 'friend' tamara. i need t tell someone EVERYTHING otherwise i would have died for nothing. i'm going to tell her about how i felt, why i did it, how much i hated my body, everything! including my love for her best friend, Crystal who didn't understand me and thought I was just a joke. I'm also going to leave her a necklace and one for her to give to crystal - something to remember me by.

okay it feels pretty bad now. i'm just about had it. i cannot handle male puberty - it makes me want to stab myslef in the heart - that's how i plan to do it. it breaks my heart being transsexual. i'm just about had it. i cannot even keep focused at shool it hurts so bad. just simply being allowed to dress like a girl would make me feel so much better. and now it's over. it's just i have this tiny feeling in my head thats stopping me. i'm being told there is hope, and even though this little feeling of hope usually betrays me and is wrong, I am getting attached to it and it's bad. what should i do?

The smartest thing would be to contact the people for which Cindy James gave you the information.  They are the experts in Australia on adolescent and young adult gender dysphoria, and the depression that goes along with it.

I will ask Cindy to send you this information again the next time she comes on.

Oh, Lily, I worry about you so much! I'm on holiday, but hey, I need to help a little sis when she needs it most, right?

First off, remember our little deal. I would never forget it, and neither should you. That's partly what keeps me going. It might not help you now, but it does me.

Okay, hmm. There's a few ideas I've heard from folks, other than the hotlines (please, do call them): what about asking your family for androgynous clothes. Based on your photos, I think you would appear as just another girl in them. You always will be to me, though, so if you need to talk, PM me!

Second, as mentioned, you do look like just another girl to me. Use this to your advantage; try to make new friends and introduce yourself as Lily to them. I mean, that isn't wrong after all. If they ask what your game is, it's that something is wrong with your hormones (also true!). It's possible (though not likely) to do this at your current school, and would work amazingly well at a new school. If they ask why teachers call you another name, you back that up by telling them your parents are odd, and liked the song A Boy Named Susan too much.


PS: Androgynous clothes are also girl clothes! Think of it that way, but present it as a compromise to your parents. It's not quite the cute top, no, but hey. It's the next best thing; you will see some girls in your classes wearing the same thing as you. And yes, why your body might be changing, it will never change the compassionate, loving girl inside you.

I'm having a rough time in life, too. I don't want to see you out of my life; you matter too much to me. If you can't save yourself, do it for me, your future, your vagina, a future romantic interest, whatever it takes, okay? I mean it. Now you be a good girl and have a safe afternoon, and please, please PM me if you need help (though not before hotlines)!

Please know that you are loved and have a special place in this world. I tried to take my life when I was 18 and I'm 41 now. Please know that staying here on this earth and hoping on all hope and that you are important is a good thing. It will change for the better!

ha thanks girls (and guys if I missed ya). yeah this may help, it will at least DELAY my suicide. yeah umm always have these horrible feelings and yeah. i was reading this person's her name was XxHaileyxX and i got jealous that i didn't start when i was 9 (i didn't have the ->-bleeped-<- feelings back then) and i bet she's so hottt and probably looks cis. she's actually one of your friends, jesstrogen :) haha and yes jesstrogen i remember our deal. i love all you guys so much thanks :) I really want to get away from my parents but i don't know where to go and how to survive. i haven't got very much family - my mum's dads side will probably hate my transsexuality more than my mum so their not an option. yeah i'm kinda stuck and my self esteems so low i don't have the courage and arrogance needed to get away from them. so yeah thanks guys

<3 Lilyyy :)

p.s. jesstrogen i don't think you can buy unisex / andro clothes where i live in australia sorry :/

I have sent you an email with the contact details of an expert therapist in your area, I have sent this before. You can email her and discuss your situation with her without your parents being involved.

If you are truly serious about being gender dysmorphic contact her.

Cindy

ha ok. haven't chcked my PMs for a while LOL. maybe look later. i'll see how i feel. i'll try to stop myself getting these thoughts.

Lilyyy, the information Cindy provided is a first step, a big step and it may be scary.

I remember puberty like it was yesterday (I am 51). I remember where my voice cracked and I remember the feelings of anxiousness that I had to carryout my plans now or it would be too late. I delayed and have had dysphonia and bad feeling about myself. I did not have an option then. The option you have now.

You need to be courageous and make the call. You will be in control and no one will make you do anything you do not want to do. However, you will have an opportunity to be yourself. You will have an opportunity to be happy.

Puberty is horrible, I also been thought the point was actually about to commit suicide when I came out to my mom.
-
back then someone told what I will say to you. don't kill yourself, if you just give up you will just be remembered as the guy, if you keep fighting you can gain what you wish to live the life of who you are but you gotta fight for it.

I wonder how accepting your friend is,
if they dont know of your being trans try seach for some trans suport in australia, there probably something, of not I seen a couple of people on susan from australia, find someone who know how you feel and can relate, maybe you could go out buying your first skirt or anything like that.

I too have been to the point where I felt that suicide was the only option, then I realized something. If I am willing to die for something that I feel, then nothing on this earth can stop me from accomplishing that something. For me, it was to start hormones. Sure enough I found a way and soon after, started HRT. You'll figure out a way. That's what we humans do. We get ourselves cornered and have to figure a way out. Sure enough, you'll find a solution. I believe in you.

As my tag line says with life there is hope. If you die now you will die as a male in the body you hate. Live and you can grow into the woman you want to be. First step is getting into a position where you can start the process. Cindy will have sent you names of people she trusts to help you, use those names.

If you are a christian then even Jesus faltered and needed help. Now is the time to seek the help to get your feet underneath you, don't wait do it as fast as you can.