Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: Antonia J on August 18, 2013, 08:16:17 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Coming out to my mom - and the funny epilogue
Post by: Antonia J on August 18, 2013, 08:16:17 PM
Post by: Antonia J on August 18, 2013, 08:16:17 PM
So a couple of weeks ago I came out to my mom. She is nearly 70 years old, and not in the best of health. She is close to my soon-to-be-ex-wife, and I wanted her to know why we were divorcing so she did not think any less of anyone - especially my ex, who I still have feelings for, and respect immensely. She is a big worrier, and I just wanted to make sure she knew exactly what was going on and why.
Anyway, I told her I have felt this way since I was a child, and things like substance abuse earlier in my life, as well as some reckless behavior last year were connected to my feelings toward myself. However, I reiterated nobody is to blame, and my coming out has actually given me a freedom I have never had. It is the first time in my life I feel good about being me. It was a tough discussion.
In the end she cried and said how very sorry she was that I have had to live with this my entire life. She said she wish she had known when I was a child so she could help me out at that time. I shared that while I am attracted to women, and in love with my wife, that my wife is not a lesbian and decided we would have to be friends. In the end my mom said she loved me very much, and would support me in my journey whatever that may be. She said a mother loves her child, and that she would not wish me to be in pain. We both cried some more, and then she actually said that she had always wanted another daughter, and that my sister was disappointed when they brought a boy home when I was born.
So tonight I was talking to her on the phone, and we were discussing me seeing my endo in a few weeks, and starting on HRT and how I will come out to the rest of the family once the effects begin to occur. I have not come out to my dad, yet. They are not married, and have been apart over 35 years. I told her my dad probably thought I was gay with the way I have been dressing...and at this my mom paused slightly in the conversation, and then without skipping a beat said, "Well, really you are. You're a closet lesbian." At which point I had to acknowledge that "Yes, I guess I am!" and then we both laughed pretty hard. It was really cool, and made me love my mom all the more.
Anyway, that's all I want to share. I wish she were in better health, but I am so glad I can share this moment in time with my mom before she passes. It is special, and something I deeply cherish.
Toni
Anyway, I told her I have felt this way since I was a child, and things like substance abuse earlier in my life, as well as some reckless behavior last year were connected to my feelings toward myself. However, I reiterated nobody is to blame, and my coming out has actually given me a freedom I have never had. It is the first time in my life I feel good about being me. It was a tough discussion.
In the end she cried and said how very sorry she was that I have had to live with this my entire life. She said she wish she had known when I was a child so she could help me out at that time. I shared that while I am attracted to women, and in love with my wife, that my wife is not a lesbian and decided we would have to be friends. In the end my mom said she loved me very much, and would support me in my journey whatever that may be. She said a mother loves her child, and that she would not wish me to be in pain. We both cried some more, and then she actually said that she had always wanted another daughter, and that my sister was disappointed when they brought a boy home when I was born.
So tonight I was talking to her on the phone, and we were discussing me seeing my endo in a few weeks, and starting on HRT and how I will come out to the rest of the family once the effects begin to occur. I have not come out to my dad, yet. They are not married, and have been apart over 35 years. I told her my dad probably thought I was gay with the way I have been dressing...and at this my mom paused slightly in the conversation, and then without skipping a beat said, "Well, really you are. You're a closet lesbian." At which point I had to acknowledge that "Yes, I guess I am!" and then we both laughed pretty hard. It was really cool, and made me love my mom all the more.
Anyway, that's all I want to share. I wish she were in better health, but I am so glad I can share this moment in time with my mom before she passes. It is special, and something I deeply cherish.
Toni
Title: Re: Coming out to my mom - and the funny epilogue
Post by: Athena on August 18, 2013, 08:23:39 PM
Post by: Athena on August 18, 2013, 08:23:39 PM
I am so glad you will have those memories
Title: Re: Coming out to my mom - and the funny epilogue
Post by: mrs izzy on August 18, 2013, 10:03:02 PM
Post by: mrs izzy on August 18, 2013, 10:03:02 PM
I am so glad things are coming into some type of order for you Toni. Its nice to have the close family as allies. For me i used a friends and family letter when i went full time or as per the gatekeepers, started my real life test. Anyway if you would like i could send you a copy and could use what you wish to make it yours.
I am now sitting here just waiting till you post and let us know how the appointment went. Good luck and look around many of us will be there with you when you go.
Hugs
Izzy
I am now sitting here just waiting till you post and let us know how the appointment went. Good luck and look around many of us will be there with you when you go.
Hugs
Izzy
Title: Re: Coming out to my mom - and the funny epilogue
Post by: Antonia J on August 19, 2013, 11:55:13 AM
Post by: Antonia J on August 19, 2013, 11:55:13 AM
Thanks Izzy. My endo appointment is 16 September, so I will either be really happy or very quiet that day!
Title: Re: Coming out to my mom - and the funny epilogue
Post by: mrs izzy on August 19, 2013, 12:25:44 PM
Post by: mrs izzy on August 19, 2013, 12:25:44 PM
Quote from: Antonia J on August 19, 2013, 11:55:13 AM
Thanks Izzy. My endo appointment is 16 September, so I will either be really happy or very quiet that day!
It will be all good. Life changing day for sure.
Izz
Title: Re: Coming out to my mom - and the funny epilogue
Post by: Allison on August 21, 2013, 03:54:50 AM
Post by: Allison on August 21, 2013, 03:54:50 AM
This is so sweet, I'm actually crying just reading it. <3 Your mother reminded me of my own when I came out to her, I wish more people were like them. But instead of her saying that were disappointed with a boy; she was so happy because she had a daughter without all the teenage crap.
Title: Re: Coming out to my mom - and the funny epilogue
Post by: Antonia J on August 21, 2013, 05:22:06 AM
Post by: Antonia J on August 21, 2013, 05:22:06 AM
I cried after I spoke to her, as well. Stories like the one you shared or mine are rare. It was so sweet. Last night I was IM'ing with her and asked what she would have named me if I was born a girl. She wrote that she always thought of me as a Tony even before I was born so if I had been born a girl then Toni would be right.
I then sent her a copy of my HRT referral letter from my therapist after, and she described my dysphoria and general ability to transition. My therapist talks about me with female pronouns and references "Toni" in the letter. Mom said it was interesting to read and learn about me, and then IM'd me back and said "Seeing Toni made me smile. "
I then sent her a copy of my HRT referral letter from my therapist after, and she described my dysphoria and general ability to transition. My therapist talks about me with female pronouns and references "Toni" in the letter. Mom said it was interesting to read and learn about me, and then IM'd me back and said "Seeing Toni made me smile. "
Title: Re: Coming out to my mom - and the funny epilogue
Post by: Jamie D on August 21, 2013, 05:33:21 AM
Post by: Jamie D on August 21, 2013, 05:33:21 AM
Dark clouds sometimes have silver linings. I am so sorry about your wife though. I don't know what I would do if I lost mine.