Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Today was my first day at prac and like always, the 'have you got a boyfriend' question came up.
Depending on the situation, I usually either correct them straight away and say that I have a girlfriend and continue on like nothing happened. Or I leave it until the person continues to refer to my partner as my 'boyfriend' and I correct them after due time - but that usually makes the person super embarrassed (sometimes for good reason). I guess most femme, cis-gendered lesbians go through that and each have their own way of either just dodging the bullet or correcting the person straight up. I generally don't mind, but sometimes it really irritates me when I specifically only say 'partner' and use general neutral pronouns, and the person takes no notice.

Well, that happened to me today. The two nurses I'm working with are lovely - but to my surprise were very heavy handed in knowing about my 'boyfriend'. I had previously spoken to my SO (ftm, pre everything) earlier in the day and asked them whether they wanted me to say boy/girlfriend when the question undoubtably popped up. They said whatever felt right as we've previously agreed that I would continue to use female pronouns & names until she began transition. So I didn't really think about it anymore because as far as we are both concerned - we are currently both still each others girlfriends because it is only very early days. The time will come when we begin social transition - but we haven't reached that point yet.

Anyway, back to the nurses. So they wanted to know about my 'boyfriend'. For the first 5 minutes of the conversation I was trying really hard to use gender neutral pronouns in an effort to not embarrass the 2 ladies because it was VERY evident they had perceived me to be nothing but heterosexual. But I eventually got very flustered because I was beginning to get tongue tied and confused with what I was even saying. By this stage I felt so uncomfortable that I finally just started referring to my SO as my boyfriend. This is the first time I've really spoken about my SO as a male, and I feel as though I was pushed into saying it when I wasn't ready. I should have just corrected the ladies to begin with - but in the back of my mind I knew that this day would have to eventually come. When I think about my SO being male, and referring to them as male, I almost feel as though I am mourning the loss of my girlfriend I have loved for 2 years. I know that is so stupid because they are the same person - but for whatever reason referring to them for the first time as male today changed something in my mind. Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was. Or maybe I'm just over thinking it.

I love my SO to the end of the world, and I just want to do the right thing. But I can't help but feel like I am losing someone I love.

Breathe relax.  It should become more natural with time.  X

That's not stupid at all, and it's perfectly normal. In fact, it's even TRUE that you are losing your girlfriend - you haven't lost the beloved person (thank goodness), but you are in the process of losing the "partner as recognized by society," if that makes any sense. You're going to be treated differently, as you've just discovered; you're going to have to cope with people who assume that femme = not lesbian and not be able to correct them without a long awkward conversation that they probably won't believe/remember anyway. :(

I sympathize; I went through the process from the opposite direction, but it's been four years and I still caught myself this weekend wishing I could say "my husband" to some random repair guy who's in my house with me alone. Because regardless of how much I love the person who is my wife, The Husband as a concept has a whole set of societal expectations and baggage that sometimes worked in my favor and that I miss. And I've been lucky enough that I largely prefer women, so while the assumptions about my orientation are *still* wrong (I'm bi), they're less irritating now.

I imagine it must be much worse for you, who's not generally interested in men and has spent years correcting people's belief about the Invisible Boyfriend, and now you have to actually confirm it. You weren't ready, and you were forced into it by a conversation you've had and disliked dozens of times over the years. It's no wonder that you came away from that frustrated and sad, because at a time when you desperately wanted to be able to correct them, you had to give up and admit you have a boyfriend.

Lastly, "this thing hurts" does NOT mean you're not ready. It means that you're human, you can't control your emotions, and sometimes even expected stuff hurts. You're handling this amazingly well; you haven't flipped out on her* or decided you can't take this. It was just upsetting, which is real and valid but doesn't mean you won't get through it. (Yes, it will get more comfortable with time, but that's not really the point here; it's not about the "boyfriend" aspect, it's that you do need to respect your own feelings and take time to grieve the things you will be giving up in terms of interacting with the rest of the world. It's every bit as hard to be a lesbian who is continually mistaken for straight as the reverse, and a thousand times harder when that's happening before you're fully prepared.)


*respecting your agreement with your partner on pronouns, given that it's sort of the point of this post

awh! thank you :')
that's exactly everything that I am feeling right now. and i think it's just so much harder because i have no one other than online that understands.
i just want to be there for my SO more than anything but i am also struggling with the little things like how the rest of the world now views me. i mean, it's nothing compared to what my SO is going through and I can't forget that. but thank you so much :')

I'm glad it helped. :)

I used to fall into the trap of "nothing compared to what she's going through" a lot, and while it may be objectively true - or it may not, depending! - it was thoroughly not helpful to dismiss all my own feelings and needs until I started to come unglued. This is a safe space to respect what *you* need, even if she's also suffering right now.

It's completely understandable how you feel. I'm bisexual and most of my family has told me that it was "just a phase" as was confirmed by my marriage to a "man". Since at the time my wife told me she had no intention of transitioning, I stopped correcting a long time ago. So far in my wife's transition the part I had the hardest part wrapping my brain around was going to be my own identity to society. Finally I just had to shrug it all off and say either way they are going to be wrong, and it doesn't generally matter anyway. But as usual I agree with everything Blue has to say. Bottling up your feelings is going to make it harder on both of you in the end.

'just a phase'.. oh how i (and many people) hate that line!
i'm trying my best not to bottle things up and it's so wonderful having this forum to rant on. makes me feel less alone in all of this.