Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A few days ago, out of the blue (to me) my husband of almost 9 years sat me down and told he is transgender. (I'm sorry, I'm having trouble referring to him as 'she' yet... please excuse my rudeness if this is not acceptable.) He has said it's okay to continue to refer to him as 'he' until I'm a little more used to the idea.

He had been going to counseling for a couple of months but I assumed it was about another matter and respected his privacy on the issue, as he respects mine when I attend counseling. He says he has felt this way since childhood but had no name for it and just thought he was crazy. In a college class a few years ago, being transgender was discussed and he says it was then he realized that was what he was feeling. It has taken him this long to come to be able to confess this to me.

He would like to begin the transition process including hormones and possibly surgery in the next few years.

I love him very much. I'm bisexual, so honestly I have no worries about being attracted to him as a female. I do want to stay together, as I feel we have a good marriage despite having our share of problems, and we have a daughter who's almost 7 and he is a good parent to her so I have no reason to want to keep custody of her away from him. He has also been basically the only person in my life willing to deal with a lot of my problems -- some physical disabilities and emotional problems that I have, mainly, and I don't want to lose that support either.

I will be attending at least some of his counseling sessions with him for the foreseeable future.

I'm confused about the legality of all this -- are there any issues with custody of our daughter, wills, powers of attorney, etc. that need to be dealt with?

We live in a small town and I'm worried about keeping this a secret. Other than his therapist/counselor, I don't feel there's anyone I can talk to about this. My parents and his would neither one be an option to talk to about it.

I badly need someone to talk to about this, preferably someone who's been there or at least understands what either he or I are feeling. I would be happy to talk to anyone who is willing.

Hi cheonsa1017, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 7124. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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We have several SOs here.  Hopefully they will pop in.  It is a good thing that you are wanting to stay.  The legality depends on the place where you live.  Sometime moving to a larger city may help.

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Janet  )O(

Hello and welcome!

I will say that being open minded and willing to communicate,  attend therapy sessions (dr visits, etc), and just plain being understanding seems to be part of the secret recipe to surviving your SO transitioning.  Both parties have to follow this.  And now you have us :) so ask questions, and share the successes and the frustrations that come along with this time.

I don't have answers for the legal stuff.  My spice is in Iowa, and I am in Missouri, and we have no joint assets.  The laws  in the two states seem to vary quite a bit fom what I have seen,  but my research has largely been limited to how she would be treated at work/ by her landlord-that sort of thing.

And on the issue of small towns.....sometimes the fix is to move, and sometimes the fix is to come out and go from there.  Only you guys can decide which choice is right. 

I know I don't have a lot of answers to your questions,  but I definitely wanted to chime in and let you know that you have support here.

(Don't let anyone tell you that their opinions override what agreement you had with your spouse about pronouns etc. That's between the two of you, and it should be.)

My wife came out to me about a month after our 9th anniversary and I'm also bisexual, so we have that in common. :) We don't have kids, though, so I can't really help on that front, or about the legalities of custody. I can at least assure you that your marriage remains valid so long as it was contracted between people whose listed sexes on the license were different; even if you're not in a same-sex marriage state, it IS legal. (But you may have to fight about that a lot.)

As prettypoly says, communication, understanding, and a willingness to work together on the relationship are basically the key to staying together. It absolutely can be done (my wife and I are happier now than before!), but it'll be a wild ride at times. Also don't listen to anyone who says this is destined for failure, because in my fairly extensive observation, couples who are a) determined to make it work and b) able to find a way to get their respective orientations to mesh [or compromise] have a very high success rate.

I'm happy to answer any questions and talk about anything you need to. Capsule biography : my wife finished an 11-month transition about four years ago and had bottom surgery a little over a year ago, and we've been together since we were 17 years old and married at 22.

Welcome cheonsa. My wife is also MTF, and we are in the beginning of hormone therapy. I have nothing additional to add to what the others have said. But just wanted to offer my support. We're all in the same boat here and we're here for each other.

Cheonsa, this will be my first post on this board, and after reading your situation, couldn't help but respond. 
I am in a similar situation, it has been just a matter of months since my spouse shared her (on online forums is the only place I currently get to honor her gender identity with the use of female pronouns which is my personal desire, so that is how I will refer to my love here, but you should never feel any shame in using whatever pronouns you and your spouse feel comfortable with right now between you) gender dysphoria with me (I was the first person she had ever talked to about this.)  She did a marvelous job of communicating her experiences and feelings to me; she had written a lot about her thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and had me read it.  A complete surprise for sure, but I feel like I have been in a very good place in my life and perspective to understand, and to not be too scared of the adjustments this could mean for us, which we both feel very fortunate for.  But I can easily see how at other points in my life, or if things had gone a little differently, it would have been much harder for me to wrap my head around and understand and be able to deal with this. 
I had never given much thought to my orientation before this, but happily have turned out to fit in the category of bisexual in this situation.

We have elementary aged children as well. 

This is a journey with much uncertainty before you when you are first coming to terms with it and trying to figure out what that will mean for you and your family.  The support of others that have gone before has been a true life line for us at this time.  I have been making connections with people on the Pink Essence website/forums.  Fiona Corwin is one contact from there who has been exceptionally kind and helpful in reaching out to us.  She has successfully transitioned and she and her wife have stayed together in a happy relationship, as I am starting to find is not such an anomaly after all...there are couples who do go through transition together and remain happy together. :)  Fiona sent me these links to her blog and youtube channel, which she said she made just for the purpose of giving back and hoping to help others who are going through a similar journey.  I plan to look at these links myself soon. 

http://fionacorwin.tumblr.com/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNTLAl1aR8GpHCgRlwJc6rw/videos

I have been reading a lot, and one of the books that I (am still reading and) have found very helpful in providing a framework of understanding that seems to fit and echo my spouse's experiences with dysphoria, is Julia Serano's "The Whipping Girl" (don't let the title scare you off).  I highly suggest reading chapter 5, if nothing else (though I think the whole book is good, don't miss this chapter!) I'm in the middle of chapter 6, and that is also very good.  I also am glad for reading Jennifer Finney Boylan's books "She's Not There" and "Stuck In The Middle With You: a memoir of parenting in three genders."   I've also read "Transitions of The Heart" which is a bunch of essays written by mothers of transgender individuals, and the last essay in that was particularly touching when taken in regards to what support from those closest to us can mean, and the natural fear that can get in the way of us supporting, and the beauty of what it means as either a parent or a loved one, to face those fears and nurture the one we love by taking their hand and being there for them in the face of something that can be scary and overwhelming.
(It dovetails beautifully with the message in "Stuck In The Middle With You.")

We personally are currently trying to figure out how to plan for financial and job security that will be required to facilitate a successful transition (particularly because of how this will affect our kids if we are not financially somewhat stable), dealing with how to help my in-laws to better understand (they are the only other ones that my spouse has come out to so far, and while trying to let us know they still love my spouse, have simultaneously not been very understanding, have said rather hurtful things, and are placing a lot of pressure to conform.)  We are hoping that if they can come to be supportive, my spouse will have a better time with siblings when they are told.  It is so emotionally difficult to face rejection or disapproval about such a sensitive thing from those who mean the most to you. 

We are lucky enough to live in a state where it is illegal for employers to discriminate based on gender identity and expression, but that does not necessarily mean that things will go over well at work.  The ideal would be to find a job with a company that has good gender identity policies in place and insurance that covers transgender medical care.  The Corporate Equality Index is something you can look up to find a list of such companies.  However, we likely will try to make it work at my spouse's current job, but are trying to formulate back-up escape plans!  ;) 

I am not quite sure about what all the legal issues once my spouse legally changes her recorded gender will be, but I know Boylan (the author of above mentioned books) seemed to indicate that their marriage still legally stands as long as they never divorce, even in states that don't recognize same sex marriages.  I think I'll be researching and searching for more professional legal advice on those types of issues once they become more pressing for us personally.  Right now I live in a state that recognizes same sex marriages, so that relieves some of the worry. 

If you are interested, here is a link to a conversation on Pink Essence on the spouse support section, that I and several other spouses chimed in on. 

http://pinkessence.com/forum/topics/tg-hitting-a-wall-with-her-gg?id=1451021%3ATopic%3A538251&page=4#comments

Keep reaching out.  I know how isolating and intimidating facing this at first can be.  You will find help, people in similar circumstances, and answers to your questions in time, as you keep casting your net out to find resources and make connections, even if it takes time. 

My hugs and best wishes to you and your spouse and your little one.

-Felice

Cheonsa, one of the mediators called my attention to your post and asked that I chime in. First let me say, I'm impressed and pleased that you are looking for support and understanding and that your communication with your spouse is solid. It's critically important that you remain open and communicative and that each of you be able to say anything and talk through it. I want to acknowledge that I'm MTF and replying to this thread in the SO section by request.

Throughout my married life, I joked that I was a lesbian in a man's body. It was always good for some laughs. Unfortunately, it also concealed the truth. I've known I was a woman since I was about 3yrs old. I never intended to transition. However, about a week ago this time last year something happened. Over the course of 6 weeks I developed breasts, had night sweats, and hot flashes. Let me be clear that I was not on HRT at the time. My wife found me at my desk crying my eyes out. My breasts hurt so very badly and this event had pushed up all of my dysporia - I was a wreck. She held me for a while and then asked if I would try something. She went to her dresser and found an old sports bra and put it on me. It was quite a relief and I was touched both by her tenderness and empathy.

She, like you (and me for that matter), is also bi. She told me that evening that she didn't marry me for my genitalia and that she just wanted me to be happy. I was overwhelmed and thrilled. We enjoyed a fantastic evening in each others arms. That morning I woke to find that she'd gone shopping. She went and bought me bras, panties, and a couple of blouses. I was in tears again at her thoughtfulness and kindness. We talked about me transitioning openly for about a month and on 10/01/2012 at 40yrs old, I chose to transition.

For me, my experience was that a lifetime of depression was lifted from me and has not returned. For my wife, it was a harder road. First she accepted I was trans and then that I would transition. We made up all kinds of worst case scenarios about the reactions of family and friends. We worried about our kids and the impact it would have on them. I'm pleased to say that, for the most part, family and friends took it well and my kids have been fantastic. My wife however, really struggled. It really is similar to a death and there's a grieving process for all involved including the one transitioning as the man fades and the woman rises. People go through this in their own way and in their own time. Be patient with yourself and others, this may take some time. For many of us, and certainly for me, our male persona was a construct a mask that we contrived to get by.

There are still days when she halfheartedly asks if I can put on the man costume for her. She knows he's gone, but she misses him. It's odd to me because I feel more like me and like I've been here all along but I must acknowledge that while that is true, the woman I've become is very different in a number of ways from the man I pretended to be. For one, I smile all the time and wear colors - he didn't. Body language changes too as we go through this. I get offended at things that I used to ignore. Thankfully for us, we discovered that, when it comes to intimacy, she's the aggressor and that I enjoy being taken long before the "event." So, that dynamic is still in place. What has caused some friction is when she wants me to be aggressive - I can't seem to find that switch these days. Perhaps with time.

As far as legalities, in Colorado where we are, married before transition equals married after. We also recently got Civil Unions so we're covered in any case. You'll need to research the laws where you live to gain some insight into the legal hoops y'all will need to navigate on this journey. There should be no issues with regards to custody and the laws surrounding wills and powers of attorney vary by state and region. In general though, until your spouse commits to a name change, none of that should be an issue. Once it's legally changed then you'd need to have that stuff reworked with the new name.

For us, perhaps the most challenging thing for my SO has been dealing with being perceived as a lesbian. We live in a smaller town and lesbians are still scorned and looked down on with shame. We don't much care what people think but we're cautious anyway and that's kind of awkward. Sometimes you just want to hold hands as you walk down the street. Things you've taken for granted will now be questioned by those around you and often inappropriately. It is appropriate to politely remind them that they're being rude and move on or answer as you choose.

I will part by saying that this will not be easy but, with love, compassion, patience, and communication, it can be done. Your spouse may want to rush ahead once they are assured of your support. I would council patience, transition is a long dance and it should be savored. For example, for several months my wife insisted I attend "Girl School" one night a week. So one night was makeup, the next shoes, the next clothes, the next etiquette, and the next put it all together with her help, and the next several were, "ok now you try." Good times indeed! :-) I am available to you and your spouse if you need anything or have any questions you can reach out to me at fionacorwin@yahoo.com, on here, on Laura's Playground, on PinkEssence, or on YouTube, or my transition blog on tumblr the links for which, Felice supplied earlier.

((hugs))

Fi

Thanks for telling your story, Fiona.  Don't be such a stranger!   :)

Cheonsa, I just wanted to chime in here because I am also new here and feel as though we are going through a lot of the same things. I went out of the state for a week to visit family back at the beginning of June. When I returned, my fiance sat me down and told me that he was having these feelings. (I also refer to my fiance as he because we have talked and agreed that for now he is okay.) He said that he never knew what they were or why he had them. We have been together for a little over 3 years and I was in shock. I was hurt and confused because I felt as if he had hidden this from me, but then I realized that he wasn't hiding it he just did not understand what the feelings were himself. Since then I have done a lot of reading, and google has become my new best friend LoL. He found this site a few days ago and steered me here. I love him with all my heart and I do not want to lose what we have. I know it is going to be hard on us both. He has started going to therapy and we have discussed doing couples sessions as well. I think this will help, also I think the fact that he and I have both agreed to compromise with each other and take this slowly. Though I know he would like to just jump right in and do it all right now, I am thankful that he is willing to go slow and work together on a pace we are both comfortable with. We have a total of 5 boys, he has 3 and I have 2, ranging in age from 15 to 3. The custody issue is something that he and I have worried about as well. We are not sure if his ex can fight, and win, for full custody once she finds out. This is another reason we are going slow with the whole process. I understand what you are going through right now and I finally know that I am not alone on this journey. Yes he and I can talk about it but there are just somethings that you would prefer to talk to someone else going through it ya know? I hope you and I can talk more. Feel free to contact me. 

As m2f transgender, I just crossdress. I got an approval letter from a psychiatrist, but gave up HRT, because I have a wife and lovely 3 kids. I still think my transsexualism is not so much strong. Sometimes, it can become stronger, but I can control it.

Because my wife is so much supportive of me, I do not want to betray her. I also want to remain a good dad to my kids. I wear women's dresses at home, and my kids accept it so well. But they do complain when my dress is not appropriate to their eyes. My little daughter is very interested in my beauty products, as I have more than my wife. For example, she applied my eye liner to her face, and my wife scolded her.

In my country (S. Korea), traditionally maintaining a family is more valued. Even today, people tend to despise divorced persons, but this is also rapidly changing.

barbie~~