Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Most of the relatives here in Michigan have isolated and ostracized me. I'm excluded from every large family event, even when every other cousin, niece, nephews or other distant relation is invited. And even though I knew this was going to happen, it hurts a bit. And during a giant family reunion three months ago the entire group of religiously bigoted relatives actually told me to stay home if I was going to show up as myself. So in order to participate I painfully dressed down in the few pieces of androgynous attair I had left.

And here's the dilemma. Tonight there's a large family gathering for pizza at my brother's ex wife's house, and I've been invited because she always welcomes me. Almost all the relatives who shun me (about 30 of them) will be there, and I'll stop in to make an appearance. After all I've got an open date on Thursday nights with a small trans group. But is it overly bitter for me to piss them off tonight by wearing a flashy skirt and a tank that shows off my breasts. I'd normally go to a pizza and beer thing in shorts and a nice top, but I want to throw who I am in their faces. They don't like me already, so what do I care. I'm still too heavy to look good in what I'm thinking of wearing, but I really want to do this.

K

Over dressing to show them up, could be considered rude to your host, who you say supports you.  I'm not saying don't show us, just dress appropriately out of respect to the woman who invited you.

I'd stick to the shorts and nice top. My reasoning is that if you are a tad to heavy to look good in the skirt and tank, you will be giving them more ammo to knock you down and you really don't need more of that. Showing that you are yourself and not just wanting to dress 'trashy' would be a feather in your cap instead of in theirs.


It is easy to over react when you are hurt and angry.

If i were you, i'd say: Don't go over the top - but do look the best you can. Show them that you belong here.

Why go out of your way to add fuel to the fire? I think you should be dressed in the same manner as the other women will be. Which would be shorts and a top?

Going somewhere, dressed in such a way as to respect the host, in whatever clothing is appropriate to do that, is not only good but a must.  Better is going in with a big smile, being out going, talking with people in a friendly manner about trivial but common things (even if they hate you).  But going in with a SMALL gift or flowers or something for the host that says "thank you" is even better.  Don't throw anything in their face except them seeing how nice/good of a person you are, how wonderful you feel, how great life is going now and how great you feel about being with friends and family.  Go in, do the "nice, nice, wonderful, wonderful thing" and get out.

Kill the bigots with kindness; sway the ambivalent toward you with warm wishes; sincerely thank and honor the person who truly cares.

This is a time for control and respecting yourself.

Your goal should be do dress slightly "better" than the others present.  Come in something that makes you look good.

Dressing "slutty" only makes you look like a man in a dress.  If you dress in an androgynous  manner, your feminine qualities will show through and be much more genuine.

Deliberately pissing people off is not the act of an adult.

If this was your party, I'd say wear whatever you want. But this isn't your party and your brother's ex was very sweet to invite you. Don't ruin everyone's night wearing something bound to cause more anger and scandal. Go casual, let everyone see how happy you are, with or without their approval, show them that you're above them without saying a word. A smile and looking happy will do more to change their bigoted opinions of you than anything else you can do, except looking like a slut. They'll hate your guts and feel justified in doing so. Good luck and just have a good time!

Be bigger than that.  :-)  Show up and just be normal -- I'm guessing they are scared -- don't give them any more reason to be frightened of you.  Be good.  Be kind.  Be loving.  Be you.

Be yourself and let your beauty shine; ignore the bigots.

I agree on being respectful to the host. If she is an ally then let her see that you are not the villain and just want to get along.

This should include what you say while you are there. Be nice, and not venomous. It will be awkward but probably worth it in the scheme of sorting which friends and family truly feel that you don't belong and which ones aren't willing to watch others throw stones as it were.

Thank you all for the comments.  Yes, I took what you said to heart and dropped the dress for an ankle length conservative skirt.  That was topped by a black cotton pull-over and an unbuttoned  white short sleeve shirt as a cover.  A dark grey beret hid the small thin area in the middle of my freshly set hair. 

As it turned out I was no more dressed up than some of the other women who were there. 

Everyone had a good time, and I stayed way longer than I thought I would. 

Quote from: kathyk on August 29, 2013, 10:34:05 PM
Thank you all for the comments.  Yes, I took what you said to heart and dropped the dress for an ankle length conservative skirt.  That was topped by a black cotton pull-over and an unbuttoned  white short sleeve shirt as a cover.  A dark grey beret hid the small thin area in the middle of my freshly set hair. 

As it turned out I was no more dressed up than some of the other women who were there. 

Everyone had a good time, and I stayed way longer than I thought I would.

Yay :) Another small victory, is not it? :)

Glad that worked out Kathy

 :) :) Super!!!!!  :) :)

Quote from: -Emily- on August 30, 2013, 02:18:50 AM
Yay :) Another small victory, is not it? :)

Quote from: LordKAT on August 30, 2013, 06:59:08 AM
Glad that worked out Kathy

I look at this as another wash-out.  I'm a woman in a very small conservative town who's fighting against those who wish to remain comfortable in their ignorance or bigotry at my expense.

And this little night out didn't change who I am.  I'll wear those pretty skirts and dresses another time. 

K

Maybe I shouldn't post a picture, but here's the main highway through this village of 500 residents.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1353.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq663%2Fkathybottoms%2F01_zpsebfef765.jpg&hash=3cff2c000bbf7999e9ab53e09dcc8f43b48c5888) (http://s1353.photobucket.com/user/kathybottoms/media/01_zpsebfef765.jpg.html)

Girl, that is some beautiful country sparsely populated with some very narrow minds.  I regret that I can't think of anything to do that would help other than a. hang in there and keep your chin up so that, over time, some people will change their mind about you while others will marginalize you to the point of you being irrelevant to them or b. move.  Similar country in Northern MN yet Duluth has a rather active but small trans community. 

There is probably a story in it for why the EX wife emphasis on EX likes you. Then again I don't know these people.

But it is nice she is ok with you. I think in the end, it comes down to enjoy her friendship.

But I doubt I could stomache surrounding myself with oodles of people that would rather I was not present, even if the host was a friend that liked me. I'd rather socialize with her on days when the rest were not present.

Life dumps enough crap in our day, I prefer to avoid any of it that I can.

The State university in the slightly bigger town of Houghton is starting classes next week.  The LGBTQ group there includes a couple older transwomen who worked at the school.  And since I spent many years studying Civil Engineering there I was asked to stop by for the calendar of Pride Events.

Quote from: Glitterfly on August 30, 2013, 07:07:50 PM
don't fight. move out, be happy :)

I have two more months here, then two months in the San Francisco bay area, and back here again for the winter.  Don't worry, I'll make it work somehow.

Quote from: JLT1 on August 30, 2013, 08:03:51 PM
Duluth has a rather active but small trans community. 

I drive through Duluth several times a year going to and from Cal., but never thought of it as a trans friendly area. Pleasant surprise.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on August 31, 2013, 07:03:03 PM
But it is nice she is ok with you. I think in the end, it comes down to enjoy her friendship.

She left for Chicago this morning   :(   But it was wonderful having her here for three months because we're now real girlfriends.  We'd gossip, shop, cook up nice dinners for ourselves, and go to the bars once in a while for fun.