Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I went to the "Maul" today, a lunch-and-shopping trip with a good friend of mine...she passes 110%, very chatty, cheerful, and for some reason likes to go out with me from time to time.

So we go to the various stores and boutiques, having a good time...but the constant "size 8" clothing and short (naturally so!) cis-women start wearing on me...nevermind I just finished making a size 28 dress for myself (which looks good, and I wear it well) and there are mirrors EVERYWHERE...

And the plethora of couples (I haven't had a relationship in a long time...a looooong time) got me thinking, "Who would want such a 'person' as myself? What do I have to offer them? Apparently nothing, because, quite frankly, no one has ever expressed that kind of interest in me."

Yeah, I know...to have a friend, one has to be a friend. Well I must be a pretty useless friend, because no one IRL even looks at me as a potential keeper...and the ones I approach usually say something like, "Err...no thanks, I'm good."

In my "cocoon", my safe little apartment and at my work, I'm fine. I'm not reminded that I'm so horrible...and I can keep myself believing that I could be a good catch, if only I could leave my safe zone.

And I can live with that delusion...but when I go out...the mirage fades, and I must face reality: I am not wanted.

That's why I call major retail centers "The Maul", because it feels like I was chewed up and spat out by the idea "if you're a size 8, you're too big!" and "See? No one even says hi to YOU"

Yeah, it's just my insecurities. Just wanted to vent.

Beth, I want you as my friend.

You have helped me this past weekend immensely, and I am eternally grateful for that.  And I personally think you rock that dress! And that you sewed the zipper yourself.  Because zippers make me want to stab things.  Repeatedly.

And for what it's worth, I grew up a size 13 in womans and I got funny looks.  It's cause they are insecure in how they look and want everyone else to feel ugly.

*hugs Beth*

*more hugging*

You really do rock that dress.....  Hugs.

Is that the dress you made?  Looks great on you.

Thanks everyone...yeah, I was down after leaving The Maul. Had to write something down, and know that people who cared would read it. Somehow, that helps. *hugs*

Drove home, got a pizza and 2 liter root beer, and now comfy in my cocoon again. I can almost believe I'm worth it...by tomorrow morning, I'll be sure of it...

Pizza is good, btw. Kind of a high-calorie "happy pill."

Yes, I finished it this morning.  :)

I hate my shoulders...when I'm reminded I have a man-sized upper body, I think I look like

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1186.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz368%2Fhazel_eyes1911%2Fbugs_zpsb6b02283.jpg&hash=24929ee38b5055d405f87c2d1ef0356db02737fc)

*hugs*

I went to the mall recently too, and being a short fat guy, it was pretty hard to find clothes. I did fit into enough men's large shirts, but I was too big for the pants. I also saw the guys and many of them are muscular, had clear skin and full facial hair, all things I'm not. I even had a moment where I thought (because there were TONS of gay men) "the gay guys would never ogle my butt </3" even though I don't like guys lol.

Yeah, I'm seeing it as like a human meat-market, and there I'm "grade H"--for hamburger.

BUT, I am also realizing that somewhere inside of me is this terribly insecure woman, who just needs to accept herself as she is, and TO HELL with the self-defeating attitude.

/ridiculous delusions on

Maybe someday if the world population gets too high we'll all live in a Matrix-style world where our physical bodies are locked away and we can all pick out the body we deserve and enjoy going out to flaunt it!

/ridiculous delusions off

Oh well, at least we can imagine it.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 15, 2013, 09:20:19 PM

BUT, I am also realizing that somewhere inside of me is this terribly insecure woman, who just needs to accept herself as she is, and TO HELL with the self-defeating attitude.

As a plus size women myself i will have to agree with you. It is nice when it happens and you can get past all the self-defeating attitude. It can happen, it did for me but not until i went full time and RLT. It was me against the world and i would not let the world win. No matter what.

Hugs and love the dress. Stay positive and the ell with the world.
Izzy

Beth, I think the Maul is a horrible place for most people, I rarely ever leave feeling good, unless I am just going to the movies.  :icon_hug: