Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Jessica Merriman on September 17, 2013, 01:41:50 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Jessica Merriman on September 17, 2013, 01:41:50 AM
Post by: Jessica Merriman on September 17, 2013, 01:41:50 AM
Hi everyone,
My story, where to start...I was born male, but that is all the masculinity I have. I have felt female since my earliest thoughts, somewhere around 7 years old. I was adopted and have no access to any medical records (sealed by the feds) so I have no idea what my birth parents were like or what genetic conditions could have been passed down to me. My whole life up to around 10th grade I was always being asked why I say carried my books the wrong way, wanted to be around the females more, didn't like rough activities or fighting, acted feminine.you name it. I caught nine kinds of heck because I had a really good singing voice and was involved with more than one all-city choir. I thought about it a while and discovered I acted feminine because that is what I was inside. My movements felt natural and without conscious thought guiding them. Needless to say where I grew up at this could have actually gotten me beat to death, literally. Bible belt, rodeo capitol of the world and VERY intolerant especially in the generation I was growing up in. So I tried to assimilate to save my life and avoid "embarrassing" my parents and causing all kinds of scandal. My adoptive parents took me to all kinds of "therapy" to make me "normal". I was forced to listen to recordings countless hours without breaks, counseling where I was called a pervert and worse, scorned by church leaders for my demonic behavior and even threatened with being placed in an institution.This lead to the beginning of all kinds of psychological issues as I tried vainly to suppress who I really was. I actually thought I was wrong in some way or another once or twice, sort of defective. This was exacerbated by an alpha male career (paramedic/firefighter) that fed into my mental health issues by being involved with scenes that I tried to forget and used tremendous energy to deal with. I tried to comply with society and marry, but after two failed I knew I had only one option to save my sanity, become who I should be and want to be. To me it is not about sex or any certain gender, but being happy with who I am inside and outside even if I live the rest of my life alone. All the years of repression damaged my physical health, mental health and sense of happiness and security. Since making the decision to pursue transition therapy my blood pressure has lowered significantly, my PTSD flashbacks have almost stopped and I feel truly free as a person. Can I live with the snide comments, teasing, discrimination and the taunting I will have to endure the rest of my life? YOU BET I CAN! Because my career gave me Kevlar skin and a winning attitude so no one will take away or repress who I really am the rest of my life. Passable or not I will be happy and a true representation of who I am. I will no longer cower, suppress or sell myself out to fit in to whatever "normal" is. The transition has begun even though it is not easy on my family, kids, friends, etc. All I can kindly say is deal with it and get over it. I am not wrong, perverted or abnormal, I am being normal for ME.
My story, where to start...I was born male, but that is all the masculinity I have. I have felt female since my earliest thoughts, somewhere around 7 years old. I was adopted and have no access to any medical records (sealed by the feds) so I have no idea what my birth parents were like or what genetic conditions could have been passed down to me. My whole life up to around 10th grade I was always being asked why I say carried my books the wrong way, wanted to be around the females more, didn't like rough activities or fighting, acted feminine.you name it. I caught nine kinds of heck because I had a really good singing voice and was involved with more than one all-city choir. I thought about it a while and discovered I acted feminine because that is what I was inside. My movements felt natural and without conscious thought guiding them. Needless to say where I grew up at this could have actually gotten me beat to death, literally. Bible belt, rodeo capitol of the world and VERY intolerant especially in the generation I was growing up in. So I tried to assimilate to save my life and avoid "embarrassing" my parents and causing all kinds of scandal. My adoptive parents took me to all kinds of "therapy" to make me "normal". I was forced to listen to recordings countless hours without breaks, counseling where I was called a pervert and worse, scorned by church leaders for my demonic behavior and even threatened with being placed in an institution.This lead to the beginning of all kinds of psychological issues as I tried vainly to suppress who I really was. I actually thought I was wrong in some way or another once or twice, sort of defective. This was exacerbated by an alpha male career (paramedic/firefighter) that fed into my mental health issues by being involved with scenes that I tried to forget and used tremendous energy to deal with. I tried to comply with society and marry, but after two failed I knew I had only one option to save my sanity, become who I should be and want to be. To me it is not about sex or any certain gender, but being happy with who I am inside and outside even if I live the rest of my life alone. All the years of repression damaged my physical health, mental health and sense of happiness and security. Since making the decision to pursue transition therapy my blood pressure has lowered significantly, my PTSD flashbacks have almost stopped and I feel truly free as a person. Can I live with the snide comments, teasing, discrimination and the taunting I will have to endure the rest of my life? YOU BET I CAN! Because my career gave me Kevlar skin and a winning attitude so no one will take away or repress who I really am the rest of my life. Passable or not I will be happy and a true representation of who I am. I will no longer cower, suppress or sell myself out to fit in to whatever "normal" is. The transition has begun even though it is not easy on my family, kids, friends, etc. All I can kindly say is deal with it and get over it. I am not wrong, perverted or abnormal, I am being normal for ME.
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on September 17, 2013, 11:06:16 AM
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on September 17, 2013, 11:06:16 AM
Hi Jessica, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 7591. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS ) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)
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Janet )O(
Welcome to our little family. Over 7591. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS ) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)
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Janet )O(
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Darkie on September 17, 2013, 11:12:28 AM
Post by: Darkie on September 17, 2013, 11:12:28 AM
Welcome to the fourms Jessica! I'm glad you found us!
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Jamie D on September 18, 2013, 01:27:46 AM
Post by: Jamie D on September 18, 2013, 01:27:46 AM
Very pleased to meet you Jessica!
"To me it is not about sex or any certain gender, but being happy with who I am inside."
You nailed it, kiddo. :)
"To me it is not about sex or any certain gender, but being happy with who I am inside."
You nailed it, kiddo. :)
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Devlyn on September 19, 2013, 06:23:15 PM
Post by: Devlyn on September 19, 2013, 06:23:15 PM
Hi Jessica, welcome to Susan's Place! I live near Boston. Grab some snacks and I'll see you around the site! Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Antonia J on September 19, 2013, 06:59:13 PM
Post by: Antonia J on September 19, 2013, 06:59:13 PM
Welcome!
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: izzy on September 19, 2013, 07:59:01 PM
Post by: izzy on September 19, 2013, 07:59:01 PM
hi jessica
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Marissa on September 19, 2013, 08:00:53 PM
Post by: Marissa on September 19, 2013, 08:00:53 PM
Hi Jessica, nice to meet ya!
Sounds like you've figured a lot out on your own. I know how tough that is, so congrats!
Sounds like you've figured a lot out on your own. I know how tough that is, so congrats!
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Jessica Merriman on September 28, 2013, 02:42:23 AM
Post by: Jessica Merriman on September 28, 2013, 02:42:23 AM
Wow! I can't believe the welcome. A place where I can let it all out and not be judged. I have to admit a little lump in my throat right now and a few tears. After all I have been through to find girls who "get it". Thanks! Looks like you will be family as mine has dissolved over my "rebellion" as folks around here call it. Anyway, thanks again!!
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Jamie D on September 28, 2013, 02:49:10 AM
Post by: Jamie D on September 28, 2013, 02:49:10 AM
Thanks for checking back in, Jess. :)
Hop onto the boards, huh! TTYL
Hop onto the boards, huh! TTYL
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Marissa on September 28, 2013, 04:01:43 AM
Post by: Marissa on September 28, 2013, 04:01:43 AM
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 28, 2013, 02:42:23 AM
...Looks like you will be family as mine has dissolved over my "rebellion" as folks around here call it...
Hi again Jessica,
Sorry to hear about your family! The world would be so much better if people were more understanding and tolerant. Sometimes I think that we're the last group that a lot of people think they can openly discriminate against. I hope you'll be happier and freer moving forward!
Hugs,
~ Mara ~
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Jessica Merriman on September 28, 2013, 04:34:43 AM
Post by: Jessica Merriman on September 28, 2013, 04:34:43 AM
Oh, for sure! I knew there would be a cost and I gladly pay it without looking back. I wish I had not tried to assimilate so long and had done this long ago so I could have enjoyed it longer and looked better. Darn testosterone!
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Dreams2014 on September 28, 2013, 04:41:13 AM
Post by: Dreams2014 on September 28, 2013, 04:41:13 AM
Hi Jessica, welcome to the site and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need to!
Title: Re: Hello I'm Jessica
Post by: Jessica Merriman on September 28, 2013, 04:45:32 AM
Post by: Jessica Merriman on September 28, 2013, 04:45:32 AM
I feel like I have been here forever. I have never gotten this comfortable with anyone this quickly. Everyone I have read about here are knowledgeable, friendly and welcoming. I love it here! Real acceptance AND caring, Wow.