Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So my mom has been aware of my transgenderedness for a little under 2 months. Shes been nothing but supportive and understanding so far but yesterday we were skyping my sister and she didnt make any sense.

I mentioned some of the things that go along with the process. Pike hormones and top surgery and she freaked out. I told her if i went on t i would get hair and probably bulk up my voice would change etc.

She kept reassuring my sister or herself i dont know that i will always look female or at least really girly.

Which made me sad.
Some other things she said were along the lines of:
Your going to get hairy? And your ok with that? You'll never be able to grow a beard or get rid of your girl face. But you can be just a lesbian? You cant be considered a straight male if you dont have a dick..

Basically just sort of not trying to face whats gonna happen even though she claims she is fine with it. She even said i always wanted an it.

Like i know shes joking but ouch.

I'm so sorry about your mom. Parents can be a drag sometimes. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell my parents seeing as they are already pretty much in denial about my sister being a lesbian.

For what it's worth, I think you are very handsome from the few pics I've seen of you. And that's pre-everything, right?! I'm so jealous; I can only dream of looking anywhere near as good as you!  ;)

Confused katie: oh my thank you, honestly made my day xD yes im pre everything. I dont even try to pass yet. But soon. Its too hot here for me to care what im wearing. XD

But yeah my moms kinda wierd, its not like i call her out for the weird crap she does, cuz honestly my problems are hardly any bigger than hers.

But yeah she has this preconcieved notion that a relationship only revolves around sex. If thats all a relationship is im living single my whole life xD not that i believe that but thats so narrowminded of her. I want to be with someone that makes me happy all the time not just in the bed -.- seriously mom.

Lol I hear ya on that. If relationships were just about sex, everyone would go to the red light district to find their dates :P

It does take a while (sometimes never and sometimes a LONG time) for some parents to process this. Of course they sometimes think that we just thought of this and haven't thought about it before which is frustrating. But she probably will get it. I hear they have to go thru a grief process which is why she is assuring herself you look "girly". YOu could have a full beard and she'd probably say taht, so I wouldn't give it too much credence. I'm not saying this isn't all frustrating and sad as it is. But sounds like she might come around.

--Jay

I'm not a parent myself, but I believe that while we grow up, our parents have all of these preconceived hopes and dreams for our future, including marriage, careers, being an excellent father, mother, wife, husband, etc. When we come out to them as Trans, we definitely will deviate from that path they have laid out for us in their minds. That'd be pretty hard for anyone to process, especially with us, deviating so extremely.

My mom is trying to process it. One of her responses were..."but you are my son." I was trying to explain to her that she won't be losing me. If anything, she'll be gaining the daughter she never had.

Just give it some time. Deep down, parents want what's best for us, even if they don't exactly show it in their actions/words. They'll come around for sure.

Don't lose hope, and good luck in your transition :)

-Alexia

I *am* a parent... and my three daughters (two grown-up, one 11) will probably always call me "dad", despite my ongoing transition.  So, I suspect that I may be a good example of a best-case scenario for acceptance of gender issues in my own children.

Would I still love them?  Of course.

Would I miss their presentation of their old gender?  It's hard to say, but I don't think so.  The "secret" I've held for so many years, even from myself, makes it much easier for me to understand than it would be for CIS parents, I think.

And I think that is kind of the point.  It would be easy for me because I've had over 30 years of knowing, deep down, that the body does not make the person, and that a person *can* be deeply unhappy with their gender presentation.  I *know* how miserable it can be, and I would never want my kids to go through that for any longer than they needed to in order to be certain they wanted to change it.

Parents love and accept in different ways.  I recently watched "Becoming Chaz Bono", and it was heartbreaking and, eventually, heartwarming to see Chaz's mom, Cher, go through her own acceptance process.  You can tell, in the early interviews, she just wasn't dealing with it, because she knew and loved her daughter and couldn't imagine that her "Chastity" could ever be happy as a male, that it must be some kind of phase, that "she" would regret it eventually.

Over time, I trust (and hope) that your mom will begin to see that you are truly happy being a man, and she will be happy for you, too.  She hasn't had your experience; she doesn't know where you're coming from, and she will naturally worry for you.  It'll take some getting used to, is all.

Have you sat down with you mum and really talked to her about it even show her info as she might not fully understand it all.

my mom doesn't live at my home, my parents are int eh middle of a divorce so i see her like once  amonth at most. i sent her some links over face book, told her to look at them if she ants to. just a few links on what gender dysphoria is and people pret and post t. i don't want to shock her or anything, i want her to get used tot eh idea of course, but because i never see her it's just like, if i go on t she's going to come home everytime to a different stage of my transitioning. like she'll leave and coe home and my voice might've changed, or a grew or i got hairy or my face changed a bit and day to day it's not a big change but month to month it kinda is so i don't know.

im also having this issue ith a friend of mine. honestly im in love with this girl. she's just.. she's perfect, i've rambled on here before about her. problem is she's mormon, she's supportive of teh lgbt stuff, i haven't come out to her about being trans let alone my feelings for her. well she's leaving in november for her mission. she tells me last night of course. im about ready to huddle in aball and cry cuz i can't see her for a year and a half. i can still send her letters and she can send letters to me too so i suppose we'll have that going, her sister is like, is this going to turn into like, the notebook or something? i lol'd but kind of wish it was true. but anyway when she comes back i'd probably be on T by then. she'd come back to a man, not her girl friend.

I know its really tough but you must forgive your mom.

shes not trying to hurt your feelings, shes just trying to cope with the loss of her "little girl"

I am not a parent but I cannot imagine how much of a mind f c k that would be to them to have their little precious (boy/girl) grow up (which is hard enough on them lol) to grow up and vanish into another person.

I don't think I could ever tell my mom :( And so... I am stuck... Glad you have passed the first hurdle though!

I haven't even told my mom, yet. My plan is to wait till I've been on HRT for long enough to get a deeper voice, and tell her then.

Seriously.

She won't think much about the fact that I'm dressing more like a guy, since I've always dressed kinda butch, anyway. But when she really starts to notice that I'm transitioning, enough to ask questions, I'll tell her. I figure her feelings will be hurt that I didn't tell her sooner, but I don't want my feelings being hurt because she doesn't take me seriously before I start transitioning. She tends to think everything I do is a whim, or a phase, and I so can't deal with that, right now. Not when my own mental/emotional state is so off its axis. Not when I'm finally discovering who I am and making strides toward becoming who I want to be.

So, even though it'll hurt her that I didn't confide in her, I'm going to let her figure it out for herself. I have to do what's best for me, right now, and I think that's it.

Not to be callous, but . . . maybe you shouldn't talk to your mom about your transitioning, anymore, till you're further along. Till she can no longer deny that you're a man. It'll be one huge surprise, in a way, but she's already had plenty of warning. And her unwillingness to accept the proof of her own eyes, even is hurting you. And you don't need to be hurting right now. Now should be a joyous time for you.

I hope she comes around soon. But in the end, she loves you, and she's--sorta--trying. Like Mysteryman says, forgiveness is warranted, and would be good for you, as well as your mom. You'll both be happier that way, and that's what matters.

Good luck!


MJ

Sorry to hear about your difficulty in getting your mother to understand. I kind of dread the day I have to explain it to my mother. Although, it's the father I'm really worried about.

Dreams 2014: funny thing is is my dad is completely fine with everything, he's the one that got me to a gender therapist in the first place. He doesn't care what i do as long as i am open about it with him. And honestly since i've told him we've talked more than we have in a while.

My mom is getting better about it since i posted this. She's a flight attendant and she often talks about me with passengers going through similar stuff. So i think thats been helping her

Hmm, are you FtM? Maybe he's happy he has a son? Dads seem to be like that. However I'm my dad's only son, and I have two sisters.

Dream: yeah im ftm, my dad is just nothing but loving and accepting. I've always admired my dad, and we've always gotten along better than me and my mom.

Parents love and accept in different ways.  I recently watched "Becoming Chaz Bono", and it was heartbreaking and, eventually, heartwarming to see Chaz's mom, Cher, go through her own acceptance process.  You can tell, in the early interviews, she just wasn't dealing with it, because she knew and loved her daughter and couldn't imagine that her "Chastity" could ever be happy as a male, that it must be some kind of phase, that "she" would regret it eventually.

Over time, I trust (and hope) that your mom will begin to see that you are truly happy being a man, and she will be happy for you, too.  She hasn't had your experience; she doesn't know where you're coming from, and she will naturally worry for you.  It'll take some getting used to, is all.


I've been reading a lot about Chaz's transformation and how Cher has been handling it. And I feel that your words are very good and I support them very much.  :)

Oh my mom is starting to realize too... She is in denial and keeps on "warning me" that I better not be gay, les, trans or anything other than the perfect daughter... Makes me sad not only for myself, but for her.