Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I went to the mall to buy some decent clothes for myself for the first time, seeing as I have no male clothes other than one pair of baggy jeans. I'm in the department store men's section, feeling really exposed since I can't pass to save my life (I don't even have a binder yet; just ordered my first one the other day). I grab a few things and duck into the fitting rooms, trying to avoid being seen as much as possible since pretty much the only people using these dressing rooms are men (since it's the men's section, after all). So after an hour or so I finally decide on 2 jeans and 2 shirts that I like, but one of the shirts I wanted in a different color. As I'm leaving the dressing rooms, one of the two cashiers asks if I want them to hold my stuff until I'm ready to check out. I said sure and walk off to get the other shirt. As I walk away, I could hear the 2 cashiers (one guy and one girl) whispering and snickering. I could tell they were trying to compose themselves as I went up to pay.

So, yeah, that sucked. Not only was I struggling to find clothes that made me look/feel good, I got to have my insecurities blow up in my face. And now I'm feeling really terrible about my self-image and I feel like I just look ugly in everything.

I have had this exact experience before.

It will get easier. You can also order stuff online, though you do risk it not fitting as well.

One thing I would say is that sometimes if you are really awkward and anxious, the people around you will read it on your face and through the way you interact with them. It sorta makes the anxiety a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way. If you act confident, it can really help dissipate a lot of the awkwardness you feel. Just hold your head up high, shop, and don't worry about anyone else around you. Much better than taking side glances and trying to scope out how other people are reacting to you.

Additionally - while it is certainly possible they were ignorant and snickering, it is equally possible they were laughing about something unrelated to you. We are centered on ourselves, so we can feel like other people are as well, especially if you feeling vulnerable and expecting rejection. Unless you know absolutely for sure their snickers were directed at you, there is still a chance it was something completely unrelated to you.

I am sorry they ruined your shopping experience. If they were indeed laughing at you, they are the ones in the wrong. Congrats on getting some new clothes.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. :( That's something I think we are all really afraid of. But it reflects more on them - a lot of people who are women (or look like women, in the case of pre-T FTMs) buy men's clothes, and they should have more professionalism than to laugh at a customer.

I know the feeling. First time I went pants shopping I had NO idea what size to wear so I grabbed a few. (They ended up WAY too big! XD My hips may be 35 inches but my pants size definitely is NOT.) The lady at the entrance to the fitting room looked at what I was holding, gave me a weird look, and started to say 'Those are boys pants.' I've gotten used to funny looks every once in a while now, I try not to let it bother me. And I assure you once you get your binder, once you get those first men's clothes, cut your hair, etc. You'll be able to do these things with much more confidence.

I'm not brave enough to go to an actual store.  I got my clothes from my old job.  As I would hang the clothes if I saw boy clothes I liked I would hold them aside and then try them on.

Quote from: Confused_Katie on September 18, 2013, 04:02:36 PM
So I went to the mall to buy some decent clothes for myself for the first time, seeing as I have no male clothes other than one pair of baggy jeans. I'm in the department store men's section, feeling really exposed since I can't pass to save my life (I don't even have a binder yet; just ordered my first one the other day). I grab a few things and duck into the fitting rooms, trying to avoid being seen as much as possible since pretty much the only people using these dressing rooms are men (since it's the men's section, after all). So after an hour or so I finally decide on 2 jeans and 2 shirts that I like, but one of the shirts I wanted in a different color. As I'm leaving the dressing rooms, one of the two cashiers asks if I want them to hold my stuff until I'm ready to check out. I said sure and walk off to get the other shirt. As I walk away, I could hear the 2 cashiers (one guy and one girl) whispering and snickering. I could tell they were trying to compose themselves as I went up to pay.

So, yeah, that sucked. Not only was I struggling to find clothes that made me look/feel good, I got to have my insecurities blow up in my face. And now I'm feeling really terrible about my self-image and I feel like I just look ugly in everything.

Sometimes I still get uncomfortable because I'm not on T or anything but people usually think I'm a 12 year old boy. Either way I do understand that feeling really well..just don't give up and know that those people don't matter. One day you'll be more comfortable in your own skin and they won't be part of your life so try to ignore them. I often do that, just say to myself "I deserve to be happy and be who I am freely, it's fair"


-Matt

You might feel like they are watching you and so on, but really society is exceptionally forgiving of female-bodied people wearing men's clothing. I don't even think it is considered to be cross dressing. I don't think anyone has really looked at me oddly, to be honest. If you go to a thrift shop and hang out, you'll find many women wearing men's clothes (jackets, jeans, etc.).

One thing is to look for clothes that fit. It's not so easy and took me a LOT of trial and error.

--Jay

Do you have any friends/family that are able to go shopping with you next time? I know it's hard - especially if you aren't 'out' yet, but I know my partner (FTM) refuses to go shopping without me. I generally end up giving a lot of glares in the general direction of the shop assistants when they can't seem to mind their own business and sometimes it's enough to keep their mouths shut just by having another person there. I hope once you get over the ->-bleeped-<-ty feelings you can enjoy your new clothes! Big hugs x

One thing that may have happened here is that you were just so apprehensive and nervous that you were just hyper aware of what was going on and maybe misread it?

The truth is in today's society, few people bat an eyelid if you shop in the men's section.  Plenty of non-trans females shop in the men's section.  Hell, even before I identified as trans I always shopped for men's jeans because women's would never fit my muscular thighs.  I'd have to go up 4 sizes before they'd fit on my legs and still they were uncomfortable.  So I was obviously female and shopping in the men's section.  No one has ever cared.  I've shopped in the men's section since I was a teenager.  I mean going back it's obvious why but I used to come up with excuses in my head for it in terms of things like, the graphic tees are better in guys section.  More geeky/video game/film stuff, and so on.  But never has anyone given me an odd look. 

If you have problems with going to the fitting room, just be confident and either don't care (because trust me, the workers for the most part won't give a crap) and if you're really nervous you could say something like "My brother told me to pick these up for him and he's about my size so I just want to see if it might fit him.  Save me having to bring it back hopefully.  He's a picky bugger!"  :P

I've worked in stores myself.  It's extremely boring.  I'd chat to colleagues all the time and we'd pick up where we left off on some story or chat about some TV show/film we watched.  There's a good chance whatever they were laughing and s->-bleeped-<-ing about had nothing to do with you but in your hyper aware state you've thought it was about you.

It happens all the time.  As soon as something negative happens we start reading into everything around us and assuming that because that one person glanced our way, that they hated us, or could "tell" without thinking that they merely glanced at us because we were looking at them and acting funny.

For all you know the girls may have been s->-bleeped-<-ing thinking that the attention you were giving them by nervously looking over and glancing their way was because you fancied one of them!  Lol.

Don't let something like that get you down.  You have no idea what those girl's deal was, nor should you care.  What difference does their opinion mean to you in day to day life?  Even if you shop there again there's not even a definite chance of encountering them again.  In the grand scheme of things, regardless of what actually went down, they're still insignificant in your life.

Whenever I shop for clothes and am faced with the changing room dilemma, I normally go with the women's since the male and female rooms are generally nearby each other, simply because I don't pass pretty much at all. But with malls and some other places, the changing rooms are area specific and generally not very busy, so (provided there's no one giving out numbers that I'd have to talk to) I just kinda wait until people aren't paying attention and walk in there like I own the place.

I've found part of the trick, like others have said, is to look confident. I constantly wear an expression of "I'm supposed to be here, and if you try and question me on it I'll kill you." I've found looking a bit angry actually helps, because no one really wants to deal with someone who's angry, especially if they're not sure if they even have a reason to approach you in the first place.

Anyway, I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but congrats on getting some new clothes!

Thanks everyone for the comments. I probably was being hyperaware and paranoid, now that I think back. Unfortunately,  I don't have anyone that can go with me, but I'll just try and be more confident when I go next time. It'll be good practice to try and overcome my social anxiety! :)

Quote from: androidnick on September 19, 2013, 01:05:47 PM
Don't put too much stress on yourself. I'm to the point where I am on T, and I still don't feel entirely comfortable going shopping by myself! It's a process. It takes time. And don't feel like a failure just because maybe next time you get a similar feeling. I do hope it goes away for you, I'm just saying, don't beat yourself up. Things can be difficult but at the end of the day, it's your life and the comments people might make are so insignificant. Also, think of it this way. I always see plenty of women in the men's section getting things for their hubby or boyfriend, son, etc. When all else fails, if you aren't trying to pass but feel anxious, just remember that a "female" being in the men's department isn't that weird.

Yeah pre-passing people would sometimes ask me if my "husband" needed any help. If I was in a peevish mood, I'd say "no".

i never go shopping alone, always with mom. and its such a relief that mom understands my taste of clothes. i dont know how she explains that to herself, but she knows i wear boyish clothes so helps me finding them. earlier i used to look for boyish pants and tshirts in ladies section, but within the last few years women's clothing preferences have changed hell a lot, and like two years back i couldn't find a single piece of fabric i liked in the womens section. so mom accompanied me to the boys' and we found plenty that matched me. i was so shy that i pretended like we were buying clothes for a boy we know same size as me. ive got over that now and i go to mens all the time. as i said mom helps a lot, like she does all the talking with the sales assistants. last time we went shopping i found a good shirt but didn't dare use men's fiton rooms. so i went to the kids section and used one there, and got called off by a sales assistant for bringing in clothes from other sections. did she want me to use mens then?

Remember too that if you figure out a rough size, you could always just buy it and return it if it doesn't fit. It's definitely more of a hassle (assuming it doesn't fit) but it could be a way to build up confidence if the fitting room situation scares you that day.

i don't pass, don't even try to, because i don't see the point in doing so when i'm not intending to go all out male. so when i go to buy male clothing, i walk into the store as a female looking for male clothing. much of the awkwardness comes from a feeling that you "pretend" to be a guy and are so scared that someone will notice the "lie". i think my sister who's a confident (and feminine) cis woman could enter any store, try on male clothes, buy some, and walk out without getting anything more than a few puzzled looks. they'll be wondering what she's gonna use them for, but wouldn't challenge her decision (there has to be a good reason, right?). i don't think anyone would bat an eyelid if a butch woman went in to get the clothes that she wants to wear.

it's interesting how the shopping experience changes, and anxiety is added, when someone goes in with an added intention of getting a male appearance, instead of just buying some clothes. maybe americans are also more rude than norwegians about other people's choices. i've shopped so many times in the male section of stores that i don't really think much about being in the wrong place. i'm obviously in the right place if i can find clothes that i like, and i've never met any rudeness despite being obviously female. possibly because i don't look (or feel) like i'm being persecuted by an imaginary gender police.