Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello
Um well I joined this forum a while ago but could never bring myself to post for some reason, so I figured introducing myself would help break me out of my shell, I guess. My name is Sam, I'm FTM. Ironically, before I was born I was predicted to be male and I was to be given the name Michael but unfortunately, I was born in a female's body and given the name Samantha. That name never seemed to fit for me as a child and would refuse to answer to it, only to Sam or Sammy and Sam is the name I choose to keep, though it's hard to explain to people who don't know me. I always get the question of it being short for Samantha, which triggers my dysphoria big time.
When I was younger, about the time when I was in elementary school, I would go around admitting that I felt like a boy in a girl's body but was told, not just by other kids but by my family as well, to not say that because it was disgusting. I grew up ashamed of how I felt about myself and forced myself to identify as female. There was one point where I had really long hair and wore makeup, even though I hated it. There's one thing I couldn't seem to deny about myself and that was my attraction to girls. The first woman I remember having a crush on was my first grade teacher. I started coming to terms with it when I was in high school and eased my way into it by coming out as bi and after high school, as a lesbian. Again I faced opposition within my family, I was called an abomination by my grandmother and didn't speak to her for over a year and at home I was told to "tone down the gay" because my parents felt I was throwing it in their faces by having a rainbow flag on my wall. But being "gay" still didn't seem to fit for me. I kept feeling that little itch in the back of my mind that I didn't match. That something wasn't fitting. So started paying attention to myself and remembered that all too familiar feeling of actually being male. I started researching things related to being genderqueer, the more I researched the more I felt that I was starting to understand myself. I took the route of stepping stones again and started coming out as bigendered, because I forced myself to believe that I'm female most of my life and I wasn't ready to let go of that security blanket of "social norm" just yet. Eventually that wasn't enough and recently I've been coming out as male to people I know. I go to therapy once a week to try to not feel so crappy about myself, to try and get over the fact that I don't have the most supportive family in the world but I also don't have the worst situation either (I could have been kicked out and disowned just for coming out as gay when I was a teenager), and to try to work on getting through transition.
I do have one giant obstacle in my way though. I'm enlisted in the military, and they view being transgender as a mental illness not fit for duty. I've been enlisted since I was 17, four years ago, and I still have 4 more years left in my contract. For me, choosing between fitting my body to match who I am and the one solid, concrete thing I have in my life is the hardest decision I could ever make. It's a constant struggle. On one hand I want to be who I am and on the other I want to finish out my contract because being in the military is really the only thing I'm good at. I just try to keep in mind that the military is temporary and I'll eventually finish but I have my whole life to transition.
I'm not fully out yet and I'm terrified of coming out to my family since the harshness I received for my sexual preference, but I'm still me and I can't deny it anymore.

Well that's my story, I needed to put it out there somewhere and I'm glad there's a place like this that's safe for me to do so. Also I'm sorry it's so long.

A very warm welcome to you Sam!
Here are some links to answer some questions and to help you navigate the site:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
  

I am glad that you worked up the nerve to post.  I think you will find we are very nice people.  :)

Hi Sam, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 7766 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet  )O(

Thanks :)

Hi Sam, welcome to Susan's Place! I live near Boston. Get busy making new friends and I'll see you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

Hi Sam! Welcome! There is a lot of good people here who will help however they can.  :)

Hello Sam! :3. Always good to have another brother in the family. It's a big one.

Welcome home, we hope you find your stay enjoyable.  :)

Hi Sam and welcome to Susan's. I'm a veteran of the military (army) so the best to you. Hang in there and keep posting here. We're in your corner.



:)