Susan's Place Transgender Resources

How do you respond to the argument that "what sex you are isn't really a big part of your life, so why would it be so important to get a sex change?" My parents have made that argument to me. It frustrates me so much, for multiple reasons:
1. I inherently know that that argument is invalid, but
2. I don't know how to explain why
and
3. My parents are not homophobic or transphobic people!! Why would they say that then?

Cisgender people don't think its a big part of life because it isn't a big part of their life.  They don't think about it because there's no conflict, therefore no big deal.  Some people who are born blind often don't think about sight being a big part of life, to them it isn't, they've never had it, so to them it might be hard to empathize with someone who lost their sight and was unhappy about it, but to the person who had their sight and then lost it, it is a big deal.  It can be hard or even impossible to understand things that you have never experienced.  They may never understand, but if you can get them to see how much it is affecting you emotionally, they may be able to at least be sympathetic if not empathetic.

"Well if it's not important, let me call you an it and see how much you like it."

To your mother: Imagine if you woke up one day as a male. You keep telling everyone you are a female, but they don't listen. You find yourself with a hairy smelly male body. All the men want to be your pal, all the women, who used to be friendly to you, keep their distance and are suspicious when you approach them. No one will let you near the ladies' - you need to use the men's room. Then someone offers you a cure - something that will put you back to the way you are. How quickly would you take it?

To your father: Imagine if you woke up one day as a female: You keep telling everyone you're a male, but they won't listen. You have a soft, weaker feminine body. The men you used to be buddies with all want to ask you on a date. You don't feel safe using the men's room - you have to go to the ladies'. Someone offers you a cure... etc.

These stories might help drive home your point.

Quote from: Quagga on September 30, 2013, 06:22:54 AM
"what sex you are isn't really a big part of your life"

I would be like, "lol".

Quote from: suzifrommd on September 30, 2013, 08:04:16 AM
To your mother: Imagine if you woke up one day as a male. You keep telling everyone you are a female, but they don't listen. You find yourself with a hairy smelly male body. All the men want to be your pal, all the women, who used to be friendly to you, keep their distance and are suspicious when you approach them. No one will let you near the ladies' - you need to use the men's room. Then someone offers you a cure - something that will put you back to the way you are. How quickly would you take it?

To your father: Imagine if you woke up one day as a female: You keep telling everyone you're a male, but they won't listen. You have a soft, weaker feminine body. The men you used to be buddies with all want to ask you on a date. You don't feel safe using the men's room - you have to go to the ladies'. Someone offers you a cure... etc.

These stories might help drive home your point.

This... it is amazing what the power of a story can do for understanding.  That's why allegories have been used for sermons and speeches throughout history.  If something is abstract, it is often easily dismissed.  A story can make the abstract *real* to the listener, if they are willing to listen, and it sounds like your parents are open-minded enough to listen.

*hug*  Good luck. :)

For me the simplest response would simply be a matter of rewording the question:

"It would be important to get a sex change so that what sex I am isn't really a big part of my life."

Although I would probably not use the word sex.

It's difficult trying to make people understand what it feels like. I've tried to suggest people imagine scenarios and either the people I spoke to were being deliberately obtuse, or it just wouldn't register. One of my former friends even went so far as to say: "If I could picture what you're suggesting, I wouldn't need to ask you, would I?"

To which my response was a rather amused "I suppose you have a point." Although that being said, I had an inkling it wasn't going to go well when I asked him to imagine waking up as a woman and his eyes sort of glazed over, followed shortly after by a rather lecherous half-smile. No need for me to imagine what he was imagining at that point. I guess a lot of folks have actually thought about things like that in the short term, but more in a fantasy type way or as a way to escape their own life issues. That makes it hard to actually get across the point of the exercise. You first have to get past the whole "Yeah, I'd just stand in front of the mirror all day and play with myself..." mindset.

I'm inclined to go more with this:

Quote from: ثنائية بين الجنسين on September 30, 2013, 06:44:48 AM
Cisgender people don't think its a big part of life because it isn't a big part of their life.

You don't notice that something is wrong when it isn't. You don't pay attention to your lower left wisdom tooth until it starts hurting something fierce and then it's all you can think about. And you have to get it taken care of because it drives you crazy. Once you have, you go back to eating, drinking, laughing and smiling... completely oblivious once again. For me, sometimes the dysphoria is like a whole-body ache, just crying out to be fixed so I can go back to not noticing it, being able to smile once again.

Quote from: Quagga on September 30, 2013, 06:22:54 AM
How do you respond to the argument that "what sex you are isn't really a big part of your life, so why would it be so important to get a...

A lot of the replies here are good. I especially like Sephirah's.

For me, it's pretty cliche but it really does kinda come down to who I am. It's never about the behaviours: I can talk to my grandmother about quilting as a male or a female though, she'll just think I'm gay if I tried to do it as a dude. No, it's about honesty and openness of self in a way that's so fundamental, anyone not trans probably doesn't get it though I'd imagine that LG peeps might know the closest thing to it. It's about being yourself.

Quote from: Quagga on September 30, 2013, 06:22:54 AM
3. My parents are not homophobic or transphobic people!! Why would they say that then?

Because even people who aren't homophobic or transphobic don't want that for their child. They don't want to deal with the social repercussions of having a trans child nor do they want the hardships you will go through because of the fact that you are. I've rarely seen parents that were completely okay with it and those that were/are got the message early enough that they didn't feel like they were 'losing' a son or a daughter. My mom cried for days and she's actually really cool but it was just a tremendous loss for her.

Quote from: ثنائية بين الجنسين on September 30, 2013, 06:44:48 AM
Cisgender people don't think its a big part of life because it isn't a big part of their life.  They don't think about it because there's no conflict, therefore no big deal.  Some people who are born blind often don't think about sight being a big part of life, to them it isn't, they've never had it, so to them it might be hard to empathize with someone who lost their sight and was unhappy about it, but to the person who had their sight and then lost it, it is a big deal.  It can be hard or even impossible to understand things that you have never experienced.  They may never understand, but if you can get them to see how much it is affecting you emotionally, they may be able to at least be sympathetic if not empathetic.

I would echo this, and very well put. For me i asked my family to be supportive if they could but if that was not possible to be at least respectful of me as my own person to do what i needed to make myself happy.

Sometimes it takes time, I have been at this since 1999, out RLT 2005 and my parents still have trouble with the HE, or HIM. But they do 100% of the time call me Isabell or Izzy.

Izzy

What sex you are affects every aspect of your life - equal pay, medical costs, credit applications, what jobs are available without having to fight for them, condescending comments from sexists, who you can legally marry, etc.  Sociologists have found that teachers in grade school treat boys and girls differently.  And the list just goes on and on.

I used the "imagine you had a female body" imagery, but the men would just drool.  Probably your father wouldn't, but it is difficult to imagine things differently.

One explanation I used was that I had tried for years to align my soul with my body and finally gave up.  Now I've aligned my body with my soul and I am far happier.

If they still insist that it doesn't make any difference, then just say that you're happy it doesn't make any difference to them because then they shouldn't care whether you change or not.  And it makes a big difference to you.

- Kate

"To your mother: Imagine if you woke up one day as a male. You keep telling everyone you are a female, but they don't listen. You find yourself with a hairy smelly male body. All the men want to be your pal, all the women, who used to be friendly to you, keep their distance and are suspicious when you approach them. No one will let you near the ladies' - you need to use the men's room. Then someone offers you a cure - something that will put you back to the way you are. How quickly would you take it?

To your father: Imagine if you woke up one day as a female: You keep telling everyone you're a male, but they won't listen. You have a soft, weaker feminine body. The men you used to be buddies with all want to ask you on a date. You don't feel safe using the men's room - you have to go to the ladies'. Someone offers you a cure... etc.

These stories might help drive home your point."

That aced it, hard to say it any better.

People happy with their body, don't really think anything of it, because they LIKE what they have.
It's not a problem till you don't like it.

I am not just a sex organ, but, that sex organ seems to be all that society is interested in considering.
I want to look like a female, and be considered a female, and when I get changed in the change room at a pool, be obviously female.
I want to be able to say 'do you mind?' in an annoyed voice if I need to get changed and there are men present.
When I put on underwear, I want a girl to be inside the underwear. I want to NEED to wear a bra, even if I am not about to need much of one.

And when I do have those moments of arousal, I want to be a horny woman.