Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone!
  I guess I should officially introduce myself.  My name is Lisabeth.  Actually the name is new to me.  Although I tried several on for size over the years, I never really felt comfortable with any one.  About a month ago I wrote the top 50 names I liked on a piece of paper, and systematically eliminated one or several at a time until I came down to 5 favorites, then 4,3,2, and then Lisabeth.  I'm not sure if it fits, but I guess I am starting to feel more comfortable with it. 
   Anyway, I am in my forties, and have identified more with females than males since I was about 5 years old.  All my life I felt like I had to learn to act like a male to fit in.  If you met me on the street and struck up a conversation, you would never know in a million years that I had such feelings of femininity on the inside.  I have learned to be quite good at acting the male part.  I am tired of acting and supressing feelings though, and little by little over the last year I have felt the need to be more true to myself and let my feminine side come through.
    I think I tried on a wig and lipstick when I was about 10 or so and loved the feeling of femininity.  As I got older it sort of became my "big secret".  I envied women and always wished I could be one.  I know if I was a woman though, I would be a lesbian.  There is no attraction to men for me.  I am married with two small children.  My wife is aware of my feelings, but thinks it would devastate the children if they found out.  She recently found out that I had posted my picture on another type of forum and was enraged that I would post my picture on the internet for everyone to see.  I had promised I would not dress up with the kids in the house, but one night when she was at work I did.  I just wanted to take a picture of myself and post it on a particular forum of understanding people like yourselves, and have the members help me pick a name that went with my face.  I felt it was innocent enough but she felt I had been deceitful and confiscated all of my female items.  I have been hurting a bit lately because I feel like she is not really accepting of who I really am, and I feel that an important part of me has been taken away.  She did not throw anything away though, and she did say that before this incident she was planning a weekend away somewhere without the kids so that we could "play" a little.  From the context of our conversation at the time, I think that meant dressing up and going out somewhere, so she has not totally shut me out.  Before we were married, I made sure I told her about my cross dressing habits and she even bought me some clothes and dressed me up with full make-up one day.  I was in heaven that day.  My dream fantasy would be to go to one of those transformation studios and have the opportunity to go out somewhere.  Does anyone know of any places like that in CT, or would it be better to go to NYC?  I know the nightlife would be better there.  I think I could pass with the right guidance.  It's funny, I think it was Terri who said, Cross-Dressers hope they are not noticed and Transexuals hope they are.  I think I would just want to blend in.  Anyway, I've learned a lot already from all of you and I see we are all very different, but with common understanding.  I especially liked when someone said, you don't have to wear female clothes to feel feminine.  Just be yourself, and your natural femininity will shine through.  Sort of like, you don't have to act feminine, just stop acting masculine.  I am happiest and most relaxed when I am in my feminine mode.  I still enjoy both sides of my being, or as Debby put it, I enjoy being a "man and a woman" together. 
   One other thing, when I first started cross-dressing there were no computers, except maybe at NASA.  It is so wonderful and therapeutic to be able to talk to others like myself.  We are so lucky to have this forum for communicating ideas and advice to each other.  I am truly looking forward to many more conversations with you all.  That's all for now.  Thanks for the opportunity to be part of your sisterhood!

Lisabeth


 

Welcome  Lisabeth!

We sound alot alike. The kid issue huh? Well when I evenually told my teenage kids they said "Oh Papa, we have known that for years" My kids see me as 'papa' no mater what I'm wearing.

But your wife has took a stand for the kids...and you got to respect her for that. Change does not happen overnight and it sounds like she is open minded about it and thats a good thing.

I'm 48 and I totaly agree that we are very lucky to have a place like susans....we are not alone now.

Love
DebTV

Hi Lisabeth,

Glad to meet you.
I agree that it is really great to have a forum for communicating ideas and share with to each other. I'm thankful that there are so many good people here at Susan's.
I have really been encouraged.

Again Welcome Lisabeth,
Jillieann  :)

Thanks Debby,

Your poem was the first posting I read, and I immediately felt like we were on the same wavelength in many ways.  I admire you very much for your strength and courage in the face of the many obstacles that we all face.  You are truly special, and I look forward to talking to you more.
  Also thank you Jillieann,
I think we are about at the same place as well.  I have been shaving alot as well lately.  I am a little nervous though, in the spring I have a part time job where I wear shorts.  I want so badly to be completely clean shaven, but am not sure if people will look at me strangely.  I don't think I'm ready to join a swim team or cycling team, and not quite ready to just tell them, that I am a woman as well as a man.  Maybe I shouldn't care what people think, but I'm just not there yet.  I look forward to talking with you more as well.
Talk to you soon!

Hi Lisabeth,

I also relate to a lot of what you said in your original post.  This ia an absolutely fabulous place with the best people on earth.

As far as shaving.  I used my bicycling as an excuse to start shaving my legs and arms this past summer.  I did not tell anyone besides my wife that I was going to do this.  I expected to get a lot of ridicule when I wore shorts into public, but nobody seems to even notice.  I only received one comment ... and that was a compliment  ;D  I really love the smooth feeling and  won't ever go back to my gorilla legs.

Sounds like you are entering the glorious "fun" of being TG Lisbeth.  Especially about the wife and children.  I know exactly how wives can take to it all.  I sometimes wonder if the next day will see a divorce, but day by day, we somehow keep it together.  Children are a big issue also.  coming out can affect them socially in a very negative way while they are still in school.  I have four daughters and a Son, but the youngest is now 22 and all are thier own persons with thier own lives.


Don't know what to say about a name.  I never gave that matter much thought.  Most people are stuck with the name they were born with like it or not.  My own name works either way so as one of the lucky ones I got to keep it and not confuse anyone as to what to call me, I lucked out.  All I had to do was change my gender on DL for now.

Yes, it is good to have a place where you can just talk about things you can't or wouldn't talk about with local friends.  It helps to get things out of your system and you find the bits and pieces of information you need.

I can say that over several years, I learned a lot from people and staff here, and I owe this system a lot, though I haven't always been a good girl on it.

At anyrate, I hope you make a lot of friends here and get the support and information you need to go wherever you are headed with this.

Good luck and welcome
Terri

Hello Lisabeth,

            Welcome to Susan's.  I love your name of course cause it's almost the same as mine (elisabeth).  I hope your wife comes around and accepts you as you are. I have no advice for dealing with young children, mine were grown when they were told. I hope all goes well for you.

beth

Hi Lisabeth,

Greetings and welcome to this really unique place.  Your name choice is very, very nice.  If it's the one you truly like, don't change it.  Get used to it and let it become you.
 
I think it was really very nice of you to tell your future wife about your fem desires.  I should have done this also but I was so scared.  It's better to be honest up front and get the whole thing over with.  It's going to come out sooner or later.

I sincerely hope that everything works out for you.  My wife has known about my fem desires for quite a few years and she still does not quite understand me sometimes.  But at least she tries.  Give your wife time, don't press her, I'm sure she will soon realize that there are a lot worse things you could be doing.  It sounds like she is really trying to understand you.  I think having some quiet time to talk together and explaining the feelings in your heart can really help.  Let her know, in the nicest way possible, that the feelings are genuine and you need to have time and space to express them.

Telling your children is really the hardest part.  If they are older that helps.  A girl probably will understand more than a boy.  Best wishes in this effort.

I agree on the hair issue.  I keep my arms free and smooth in the winter and both in the summer.   I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!   Oh, sorry.   

love,

joanna

Thanks Tiffanie,
After I read your post, I thought, she's right who is really going to care, and it shouldn't bother me if they do.  You inspired me, I took a nice hot bath and finished the job from the shorts line down.  Thanks, it does feel great.

Thanks for responding Beth,
On my "choosing name list", the name was actually Elisabeth until the last minute when I shortened it just to try to be different, so I do love the name Elisabeth as well.  One of the original contestants on the show "Survivor" had the name Elisabeth and I liked it ever since.

Thanks Terri and Joanne for your responses as well, my boys are 4 and 6 so still kind of young to understand.  I totally understand my wife's reservations.  I have only asked that she give me some time once in a while.  Take the kids out for a day and let me have some time to dress and just hang out comfortably as a woman, and not worry about anyone walking in.  She agreed, but it hasn't happened yet.  I don't want to rush her, I think if we just take it slow for now, patience will pay off and she will give me some quality time "down the road".  There was about a 10 year period before we were married that I lived alone and was able to come home at night and put a little make-up on and slip into something comfortable for lounging and it was wonderful.  My life was empty though without a partner.  When I met my wife, I told her when we first started dating about my preferences, and she understood, and even helped me out a little with some advice and tips on how to be a little more conservative with make-up application.  I used to overdo it a bit.  When we had children, I kept my female things boxed up in the basement, and after not using them for some time, they developed a mildew odor, and I threw most of it away.  Seven years later, the urges have resurfaced, and now are stronger than ever.  One thing I can say is I am not afraid to shop, and I encourage anyone out there who is to just do it.  Sure your heart pounds but that's part of the excitement, at least for me.  I usually do say I am buying a present for my "large' wife.  She is actually not large at all, but it seems to work.  Sometimes we have even gone back to those same stores together, like Victoria's Secret, and I hope nobody notices she is half the size that I made her out to be.  I even had the guts to go into a wig store and sit in the chair to get fitted for two wigs.  I could have gone online, but I really wanted some professional advice, as to face shape and appropriate wig styles rather than hit or miss on the internet.  I am so glad I did because I have two beautiful wigs, or I should say my wife does.  She wore the one that is in my picture here for halloween when she dressed as a witch.  It hurt a little seeing her in my hair, because it was almost like she was making light of an important part of me, but I figured maybe it is one more step for her to become more comfortable with the whole thing.  Speaking of my picture, I threw some make-up on one night and held the camera out in front of me and snapped the picture.  It is the only one I have.  I am still a little shy about the whole matter, so I wore feminine sunglasses so I could maintain a little bit of mystery.  Sometimes I feel that I need every feminine "cue" possible to pull off the female look.  I've even thought of wearing a pink baseball hat.  Just one more visual cue to throw people off.  The look in the picture is actually a bit more serious than I usually am.  I am a lot more fun loving than I appear here.  Well that's a little more about my history.  I really don't mean to ramble on.  Thanks again!
Talk to you soon.

Lisabeth

Hi Lisabeth,

Wow! From your first post I thought considering your wife's anger at posting a picture of yourself elsewhere that that was a picture of some young movie starlet. I must say you seem to be pulling the femme off just fine. I'm sure you will do well here at Susans.

Good Journey,

Cassie

Welcome Lisabeth,
  I hope you find alot of friends here and enjoy your stay.
As for the name thing goes, I was like that before I chose this one. My wife hates Jennifer as a name, she says it is a name for prositiutes or sluts. ??? Go figure!!!!
   I love it and I've had it longer than I've been with her, so, I'll keep it.

Quote from: Cassandra on November 20, 2005, 11:29:43 PM
Wow! From your first post I thought considering your wife's anger at posting a picture of yourself elsewhere that that was a picture of some young movie starlet.

Really??  If you were not just kidding, you just made my day!  Thanks Cassie for the nice compliment.  I haven't been out in public yet, but I think with the right guidance I could pull it off.  The closest I have come is to put a baseball cap on with sunglasses, earings, and some lipstick while driving.  When I get close to where I am going I take it all off.  I am afraid that when I do go out, that as soon as I open my mouth and anyone hears my voice, I would be in trouble.  I would probably be very quiet my first time out.  It would be nice to have a "girlfriend" or two with me the first time.  With practice, maybe I can develop a voice that sounds more female.  I wish there was a class on these kind of things that I could take.  I'm sure my mannerisms need a lot of work as well.  I guess I need a coach.  I don't think my wife will be helping me with this anytime soon.  She is still livid about the first picture posting.  It makes her even more furious that I don't seem to feel like there is anything wrong with it.  I can't explain it but I just don't.  I am sorry she is hurt, but not sorry for reaching out to others who are in situations similar to myself, and who may be able to provide some insight into some of my feelings.  She makes comments like,  "You posted your picture to a bunch of transexuals?" and when she says it, it sounds like a really bad thing.  Maybe she will cool off soon, but right now she thinks we need to see a marriage counselor, and not for me wanting to express my feminine side (because she insists she was ready to explore that), but because I was deceitful in my actions (even though the kids were in bed when I took the picture, and the bathroom door was locked in case they woke up).
   I told her I would be happy to go to counseling with her if it will help her get out of this "place" that she is at, I just don't want it to turn into a Lisabeth bashing.  Gee Cassie, you make one little compliment and I just go on and on!  Tallk to you soon Cassie!

Thank you as well Mellisa, it is so encouraging to hear that you think I could pass as well.
These kind of comments are inspiring me to develop some courage to take this a little bit further.

And JenniferElizabeth, I love your name as well.  We already have a Jennifer in the family so I didn't want to use it, but it has always been a favorite of mine.  It has a soft and gentle flow to it, and I don't think it sounds like a prostitute at all.  I would mention some names that sound like they do belong to a prostitute but I am afraid if anyone is using those names, they might be offended, so I will keep my mouth shut on that, but I think "Jennifer" is definitely a keeper!  By the way Melissa, I like your name as well.  Very feminine, and also in my top ten choices of names.

Thanks again everyone for making me feel so welcome and safe here.  I look forward to talking with you all more.

All my Love,

Lisabeth

Seriously Lisabeth, that is what I thought. I assumed that since your wife had made such a fuss that I was looking at a picture from some magazine. Maybe it's just the angle of the photo but it seems to me you have a very feminine jaw line which is major. Most of us need surgery to get that. I'm very jealous.  :-*

Quote"You posted your picture to a bunch of transexuals?"

Curious statement. There is a lot being said there. For one, and correct me if I'm wrong, you're a cd right? Which means if she said a bunch of transsexuals she doesn't know the difference. Maybe you have told her about yourself in general terms but, have you told her enogh to help her understand?

There seems to be a communication gap. The marriage counseling maybe a good thing I don't know. All I know is everybody I've ever known that went to a marriage counselour ended up divorced. Mind you that is anectodal evidence. YMMV. Just when they tell you to make a list of what you like and don't like about your spouse, don't be brutally honest on the don't likes and long on the likes. Especially if they drag you into group that is the slalom ride to divorce.

The absolute best thing is to discuss these things at home between yourselves. All you need to do is pick up on the clues like the transsexuals line. Listen to what your spouse is saying. You're getting in touch with your feminine side this should be easy.

Hey, Lisabeth bashing? I've been there and done that and it was no different than the other person she bashed. You have to get what is at the root, what is really bugging her cause everything else could really just be a side issue. You have to really dig, in the most diplomatic and gentle way as possible, if you expect to get the truth about what may be sticking in her craw. If you love her you will perservere to the truth and don't get bent about it if it turns out to be unreasonable. Were women we just get that way sometimes.

Okay I'm ranting now and I'm on my I don't know what glass of wine so I'll shut up now.

Cassie

Wow, so many new people I failed to say hi to... many apologies...
some people here seem to think I'm a gentleman, so I should honour that reputation...

welcome, Lisabeth! You'll find that Susan's is a wonderful supportive community!

Alex

Welcome Lisabeth.  I wonder if you've done any exploration of your gender issues with a therapist?  I may have read too much into your posts but some of your comments seem to go past cd to somewhere beyond.  The early age you started, the sense that there's some compulsiveness to it, and the idea it has come back stronger this time.  Marriage counselling is a good idea but may not be as effective if you haven't made some attempt to understand your gender issues and develop some idea where you fit on the gender spectrum as well.  Just a thought.

Dawn

Hi Cassie,

Yes she knows I am a crossdresser and not a transexual, she was really just refering to the others on the site where I posted the picture.  We did have a good conversation tonight which seemed to be a step in the right direction.  I think I am going to get her the book, "My husband Betty" to see if that may help her to understand me better.  She knows these are genuine feelings, and allthough she prefers my male side, she does seem to like the relative calm, sensitivity and gentleness that comes across when my female side comes through.  I want to talk to you more and respond to the other replies but I have to go.  I will try to write more in the next couple of days. 

Lisabeth

Thanks for responding Melissa,

You know, I am not really well versed on the different classifications.  You're probably going to think this is stupid, and try not to laugh everybody, but I always thought a transexual was someone who actually had female breasts and a more shapely figure from hormone replacement, but still retained their manhood, if you know what I mean.  I have always felt like a woman on the inside.  Does that mean I'm a transexual?  I thought I was just a crossdresser.  I guess that's why I am here.  I've really never talked to anyone except my wife  and a couple of ex-girlfriends, but no one that I have talked to is really that knowledgeable on the subject.  I am hoping the girls here can provide me some guidance.
I appreciate your patience with me.  Although I have been crossdressing for a number of years, it has always been sort of a private thing, so I have never really reached out to others to find out what I really am or why I have these feelings.  My wife thinks the reasons behind my crossdressing are due to a very dominant and aggressive mother, and a very passive father.  Somehow I don't think so.  It just seems like the feelings started to young (5 years old or so) to be totally attributed totally to my upbringing.  It seems to me that a lot of the female feelings I have are simply inate.  I look forward to learning from all of you.  I can't talk long tonight, and I do want to respond to several other responses to this posting, (like Alex, I have a story to tell you) so I will try to write tomorrow.  Thanks everyone!

All my love,

Lisabeth

Thanks Dawn and Melissa,

I think you are both probably correct.  I probably do fall somehere beyond crossdresser on the transgender scale.  I once told my wife before we were married, that if I didn't have family and friends to worry about, and someone presented me with a switch that I could flip and turn from male to female, there would be no hesitation about flipping the switch.  I think this is at the root of her hesitation with accepting my cross dressing.  How far would I take it?  Most likely as far as she would allow, and I think she knows that and it scares her.  If somone were to put a bottle of hormones in front of me, that would make my breasts grow and my body take a more feminine appearance (with the correct dose for me of course), I know I would not be able to resist.  I would love to be a woman in all respects if I could.   I guess given the right circumstances, yes, I would alter my body physically to become female.   I have recently started thinking it might be nice to have a more feminine nose.  I long to feel more feminine physically, but feel that too many family members would be adversely affected.  In some ways I feel like I would be being selfish if I only thought about my own desires.  Anyway I guess I should slide my arrow on the transgender scale a little bit to the right towards transexual.  I think a lot of my "thirst" for womanhood could be satisfied by crossdressing though, like spending some time out with my wife as her husband as well as girlfriend.  A therapist is probably a good idea, but I would want to make sure that they were sensitive to transgender issues.  Thanks for your patience and understanding.  I'm still learning.

Also Alex,
  I promised you a quick story.  Your story reminded my of an incident that happened a couple of years back.  I used to go to elementary school with a girl named Lianne who was kind of a tomboy, and could probably beat up most of the boys.  She had many male characteristics but was in a female body.  I used to catch frogs with her at a pond near my house when we were little.  Not many girls liked catching frogs so I thought she was pretty cool.  About 30 years later I walked into a bar and recognized her sitting with a couple of guys.  I wallked up to her and said, "Lianne"?..  She stared straight ahead like a dear caught in the headlights.  I repeated, "is that you?".  She wheeled around quickly, grabbed me firmly by the elbow and escorted me around the corner where she grabbed the front of my shirt and pushed me up against the wall.  She said, who the #(@*% are you.  I told her who I was and that we used to catch frogs together when we were little.  She said, "Listen, my name is Jake now, I am living as a man, and the guys I am with think I am a guy, so please don't call me Lianne in front of them again".  I agreed, she relaxed and smiled, and we talked about old times.  Too bad I wasn't more in touch with my own feelings, we really had more in common than I realized at the time.  I don't know if you ever went through anything like this, and I'm not sure how far you've taken it, but you're a gentleman in my book, and I respect you for having the courage to face the many obstacles involved.  I'm not sure if the story was appropriate, but my old friend Lianne is the only transgender person I have known, who went from female to male.
Talk to you all soon.  I appreciated all of your constructive responses. 

All my love,

Lisabeth

Hi Lisabeth,

I agree with Casie your photo is lovely and very feminine.

Well firstly welcome to Susan's love your posts. I actually have a wife with very similar concerns to yours. She's not quite as open to my femme side as yours but was very concerned that I wanted transistion. This I think is because she felt she was in my way and needed to step aside and let her husband go. I think I have been able to convince her that I am happy being a CD.

QuoteDoes that mean I'm a transexual?  I thought I was just a crossdresser.

I think you will find that it's not quite as simple as Melissa described. Clothing is not he only thing that makes a CD feel feminine. I am a CD and I have no doubt as Deb has explained before that there is definitely a man and a woman sharing this ego. Cd's and TV's are an often maligned and misunderstood group who in some TG forums are at the least put up with and at worst excluded. Fortunately Susan's is not one of those places and you are free to explore your feelings and to share your journey and that of the others here. If nothing else it is an opportunity to expres your feminine side and make good friends who are not judgemental.

So enjoy your journey and I look forward to reading more from you.

Shelley

Quote from: Shelley on November 26, 2005, 03:34:49 PM
I agree with Casie your photo is lovely and very feminine.

Thanks so much Shelley,

That made me feel so good today.  Before coming to Susan's I never had any sort of feedback about how I was doing with the feminine look.  I really wasn't sure if I could pull it off.  I still have a lot of learning and practice, but the girls here have really inspired me.  By the way, I am not sure if the picture you use is really you, I am very impressed!  Your photo is beautiful.  You should have no problem going out.  Your appearance is very feminine as well.  I know some of the members here use pictures of movie stars and models.  I prefer to use my own picture so members can visualize who they are talking to, but I can understand why others may want to maintain privacy. 
  My wife has only seen me dressed once, and she says I look like my sister, who she is not crazy about.  But then again, when I am in male mode she thinks I look like my brother, who she is also not crazy about.  So I guess I can't win, but I guess I would rather look like my sister than my brother if given the choice.  I've enjoyed your postings as well and look forward to talking with you more.  I think we have a lot in common.  Talk to you soon!

Lisabeth
   

Hi Lisabeth,

As Casie and Shelly said your photo looks great.

QuoteI prefer to use my own picture so members can visualize who they are talking to, but I can understand why others may want to maintain privacy. 

My picture is a digitized, characterized and cleaned up but it is the real me. But it does make me look a little younger and better than I actual look. "Vanity."
I know, I know, it's what inside that counts. But it's nice to present a good looking exterior too.

Quoteif I didn't have family and friends to worry about, and someone presented me with a switch that I could flip and turn from male to female, there would be no hesitation about flipping the switch.

Oh Lisabeth, you said it, but I dream about it, girl.
I'm sure I couldn't resist the bottle or switch if it was placed in front of me.

But I'm a husband, father and a grandfather. People I love and never want to hurt.
How far to go and who to tell? These are just some of the questions I'm asking myself.

Anyway keep talking sister.

Jillieann  ???

Quote from: Jillieann on November 27, 2005, 11:12:05 PM
But I'm a husband, father and a grandfather. People I love and never want to hurt.
How far to go and who to tell? These are just some of the questions I'm asking myself.
Jillieann  ???

A general rule of thumb would look like this: if you're TS, you probably won't have a choice and will ultimately show and tell.  For most TSs, their unhappiness and destructive tendencies can be more hurtful than telling their loved ones. Otherwise, given your situation, you will probably keep Jillieann in the closet since the consequences of telling aren't often pretty.  Good luck in your search for the truth.

Dawn

Hi Dawn,
At this point I'm not sure where I at.
I have been shuting out and holding back much of myself untill recently.
Anyway I'm am CD plus for sure.
I begin changing my appearce recently so I look more femme all of the time.
Jillieann  :)
   

Quote from: Jillieann on November 29, 2005, 09:30:35 PM
At this point I'm not sure where I at.
I have been shuting out and holding back much of myself untill recently.
Anyway I'm am CD plus for sure.

You know Jillieann, I am not sure exactly where I am at either, but I have been doing a lot of reading on this site lately, and am feeling that I fall closest to CD.  I have some aspects of TS, but many more of CD.  One very interesting article (actually written in 1990) which I recommend reading if you want to help find out where you may fall on the transgender scale, and that really "hit home" for me, is found in the Reference Library under Miscellaneous, and then under "Observations of transgendered people"

The author (Lin Frasier, M.A./MFCC) asks,

Do you feel you have a choice? Is this a part of who you are, or is it not? Is it more a compulsive type of thing that seems to overwhelm you, or is it an expression of who you are? What is the function of it in your life? How did it start? How does it develop and change over time? Is it just sexualized, or is it a part of your gender identity?

A lot of people in the paraculture talk about CD's feeling like two different people. The guy is usually rational and concrete; you might say he's kind of boring. The female is spontaneous and blissful and in the moment. 

Some bullet points the author makes of the male side of a CD (This refers to a MtoF CD):

He's the thinking type.  Like an engineer or computer person who likes to manipulate his environment.  (That's me)

He might have a little obsessive-compulsive behavior going on.   (That's me too, especially if I am on a mission to get female items.  It's like my female side takes over, and I will drive miles out of my way to get something, my heart pounding with excitement every mile of the way.)

He's introverted and quiet.  (Sometimes me but not usually.  I am a musician on the side, and give me a stage and an audience, and I'm ready to perform.  No fear of getting up in front of a large crowd.  They do say that many musicians are shy when it comes to one on one conversations, but open up in front of large groups because a large group is actually less personal than a small one.)

He's a professional and somewhat conservative.  (Me)

He could be clinically prone to depression. He's independent; it's difficult for him to ask for help. And he's a heterosexual.   (All me except not so much depression as severe mood swings)

Female Side:
A lot of bliss; it's a highly aroused state. The world is now in colors rather than black and white. Here's where the feeling is, and sensation. In the moment - there is no future and no past.  It feels good; it's highly pleasurable. He can focus on the details of the moment.
(A very accurate description of my female side)

She has a desire, to connect with others, a desire for relationship out in the world. She wants to go out to connect. (What I have been feeling lately)

There is a feeling of safety, security, and tranquility, as well as excitement and risk and a sense of spontaneity. The sexuality is towards the female image of self. That's why mirrors are important.   (Me to a "T".  One thing that bothered my wife when she did dress me up with full makeup that one time was that I kept wanting to look in the mirror every two minutes to see how I looked, and kept holding my hands out to look at how nice my nails looked.)

Anyway, I continue to learn more everyday, talking to everyone here, and reading the information available in the reference library and in the Wiki.  What a great site this is!  Such a wealth of information and wonderful support from each other.  Thanks everyone!  I am still trying to sort out all the feelings, but I do know that I already know what life is like with my female side supressed, and it really takes a mental as well as physical toll on my being.  I just want to start being more true to myself and let my feminine side surface, and see where it takes me.   Who knows?  I'll be sure to keep you all posted as the journey to self discovery develops. 

All my love,

Lisabeth