Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm sat here wondering how my life became such a car crash. I've screwed up everything and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to work with my name change. I think I've screwed up my chance of getting a job because I've changed my name. I cause people unnecessary stress. I'm a burden on everyone and I'm a burden just by writing this post. Sometimes I just wish I was dead or that I'd be murdered walking the street. At least that way it wouldn't be suicide. My head is clouded with pain and upset. I don't want to be me anymore. My mind plays tricks on me and I'm worried it will postpone my transition. I'm full time now, which is great, but everything else is so hard. I don't know how my life got this bad. The past 6 years have been horrible. My life shouldn't be like this.

Joey, you are not a burden. You are a wonderful person who was there for me when I needed you.  Now I will be here for you.  You have a wonderful future ahead of you.  I believe in you.  If you can't believe in yourself, believe in us who believe in you.

Hey Joey,

Can we talk?

Let's dissect this one by one.  Why do you feel you screwed up everything?  Is it the unemployment issue?  If so, please realize the economy is terrible.  It took me forever to find something and it's not even perfect.  Youth unemployment and underemployment is a serious phenomena in many places at the moment.  You're a young kid and have a whole future ahead of you.  This is only the beginning and you will have time to invest and work towards a happy future.  Remember, this won't last forever.   But we need to be vigilant and believe in ourselves even when we don't want to.  At the very least, the right attitude can hold us over till that day comes. 

You are not a burden Joey.

Big hug! You'll be fine, Joey, you've gone and stacked up everything into one pile so of course it looks bad. Tackle one issue at a time. You know we're all here for you! Hugs, Devlyn

Joey, as a retired paramedic I've had to say this a lot lately so listen up. Jobs can be found, friends are a keyboard away and life is precious. Out of all the suicides I had to run in 28 years, those still alive when I got there 8 out of 10 regretted their decision when the finality of life hit them. They begged us to save them. Some we saved, many we lost. It is one thing where you do not get a replay on. Worldly problems CAN be fixed, messed up and fixed again. There is no other option, period. Talk to all the good people here. They would be very saddened if something happened to you, yes YOU! Talk and live! Survival makes us strong and resilient, but it takes work. All of us have our fights every day with life. When I am down these folks get me through it just fine. Take care!

Thank you everyone, it means a lot. I tried to commit suicide before and it went wrong, but I don't even regret it. That's what scares me. I don't feel afraid of death, I'm afraid of hurting those around me, that's why I wish something would kill me instead. I hate everything that has ever happened. I hate being such an idiot. I hate myself more than anything. I feel like a worthless, fat, ugly idiot that can't do anything right.

Learning to live, yeah we can talk. I screwed up everything the minute I was born. I shouldn't of been born. My life should have been given to someone who deserves it, who can do right in the world. The unemployment plays a part. It's all my fault. It's going to be hard to get a job because I'm trans and it's proving hard already with my name change. Money is evil. I'm young but I feel like my life is already over.

Quote from: Joey. on October 01, 2013, 06:34:11 PM
Thank you everyone, it means a lot. I tried to commit suicide before and it went wrong, but I don't even regret it. That's what scares me. I don't feel afraid of death, I'm afraid of hurting those around me, that's why I wish something would kill me instead. I hate everything that has ever happened. I hate being such an idiot. I hate myself more than anything. I feel like a worthless, fat, ugly idiot that can't do anything right.

Learning to live, yeah we can talk. I screwed up everything the minute I was born. I shouldn't of been born. My life should have been given to someone who deserves it, who can do right in the world. The unemployment plays a part. It's all my fault. It's going to be hard to get a job because I'm trans and it's proving hard already with my name change. Money is evil. I'm young but I feel like my life is already over.

Is that what this is about?  Joey, we all ->-bleeped-<- our diapers.  It ain't worth dying over.  >:-)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 01, 2013, 06:42:00 PM
Is that what this is about?  Joey, we all ->-bleeped-<- our diapers.  It ain't worth dying over.  >:-)

Hugs, Devlyn

Can always count on you to make me smile Devlyn  :)

 :) Explain the name change issue, as long as the documents line up, you should be all set. What's going on there?

Quote from: Joey. on October 01, 2013, 06:34:11 PM
Thank you everyone, it means a lot. I tried to commit suicide before and it went wrong, but I don't even regret it. That's what scares me. I don't feel afraid of death, I'm afraid of hurting those around me, that's why I wish something would kill me instead. I hate everything that has ever happened. I hate being such an idiot. I hate myself more than anything. I feel like a worthless, fat, ugly idiot that can't do anything right.

Learning to live, yeah we can talk. I screwed up everything the minute I was born. I shouldn't of been born. My life should have been given to someone who deserves it, who can do right in the world. The unemployment plays a part. It's all my fault. It's going to be hard to get a job because I'm trans and it's proving hard already with my name change. Money is evil. I'm young but I feel like my life is already over.

Joey,

Believe me, I've been there.  The reason I care so much about everyone is because I see so much of myself in the people here.  You aren't alone.  Sometimes, it's easy for us to forget that and fall into the negative thoughts that render ourselves hopeless.  Joey, I wouldn't contact you so frequently if I didn't think you were a good guy with something to contribute to the world.  The same is true for everyone else.  I think it's safe to say the problem isn't who you are, but how you perceive yourself.  This is my number one flaw as well, so don't feel bad about it.  Just realize these thoughts aren't as realistic as you feel and work on overcoming them.

As for your life, what are you looking for to improve?  If you could isolate the things that have gone wrong, what is it that you are looking for that will provide you with happiness.  Okay, work.  I totally understand that one.  Well, unemployment won't last forever.  Think about all the successful and hardworking members of our community.  They were able to overcome it.  Why not you?  Sure you are young and as a result have limited experience and opportunities, but that doesn't mean you are out of the game.  Opportunities can come around and you can seize on them and work to make something out of it.  It can happen. 

What else is bothering you?  It just upsets me to see you so sad a lot of the times, and I really wish I could give you the big hug.  I want to see you get passed these fears and see that you find yourself the happiness you deserve.  So, if you don't mind me asking, what do you think is driving these thoughts?  Why do you feel so negative about Joey when everyone else sees him in a positive light?

Joey look here I was: Born illegitimate, beaten and punished by family and therapists as young as 7 for acting effeminate, Got terrible grades in school because of constant stomach trouble related to the beatings and therapy, taken out of all city choirs because my voice was to high, got the church on my but for being a feminine pervert, called to the front of almost every class as an example of how not to act, did not fit in with girls or boys, forced into isolationism, chased home and/or beaten every third or fourth day after school, barely graduated high school because I was so confused, told to marry a female to appear normal, had two failed marriages due to my dysphoria, lost my kids in the last one, adoptive parents won't talk to me, forced into an alpha male line of work, got depressed as h-LL, developed PTSS, lost friends because of dysphoria, got injured in the line of duty not paying attention because of dysphoria, am raising eyebrows of everyone transitioning at 47, should I go on???
What I did do: saved a lot of lives, saved property, learned to persevere through adversity, learned I could actually survive on my own, grew Kevlar skin, met people from all socio-economic backgrounds, religions, sexualities and how to talk to them, finally took control of my life, and am doing things for me and not everyone else, learned people are too busy with their stuff to judge me, learned how to shut them down if they did. WHEW! Get the picture? The way you feel now is a test, will you rise to the challenge knowing others have been in the same boat and are now doing good? It's not easy, it's not free, but it is attainable! So sick-em!!!!

Joey, you've already expressed in your posts exactly why you're so valuable.

You're scared of hurting people around you. What does that tell you? It tells me that you care. You care about others, you care about what happens to them. You know what that shows? It shows compassion, it shows a big heart. It shows that even though you feel so bad about yourself, you haven't lost what it means to feel for others. You haven't lost that spark of humanity that is something precious.

An idiot... no, hon. You're not an idiot. An idiot doesn't realise that something needs to be done to change things about themselves in order to have the life they want for themselves. An idiot doesn't go through all that, to keep striving when they deeply wish they could just give in. An idiot doesn't say to the world "this is who I am, this is who I want to be, and I will be that person." That isn't an idiot. That's someone who actually, deep down, has the determination to get things done. That's the mark of someone who perseveres. And what's more, the fact that you have gone this far shows you have worth, to yourself. Even if you can't see it. It means that you matter. It means that somewhere inside you, there's that person who knows he deserves to be happy.

I know he may be buried deep down at the moment, hon, and you feel like things are screwed up. But listen, there are very few things that can't be unscrewed if you just find the right wrench... or spanner, or something that unscrews things. Erm...

Yeah, good one, Seph. Your obvious intimate knowledge of DIY just ruined a perfectly good analogy. >_<

Hopefully you get what I'm trying to say.

Point is, sweetie you can do things right. For a start you came here and got how you're feeling out in the open, so people who care about you can share your pain and maybe even make you feel better. That was right. You didn't bottle it up, and keep it all festering away inside you. That was right. You shared part of yourself with people who understand, and want the best for you. That was right. And that's only the start. You see you're not a burden to anyone, Joey. What you are is a scared guy who needs a shoulder to lean on. That isn't a burden. That's part of being human, hon. And I think it shows a sign of emotional strength that you took that chance to open up to us here. How can you a be a burden when people want to help and look out for you and show you we care? Sweetie, that makes you a friend.

Also, your life was given to someone who deserves it. You. I know you're in a place right now where it's very hard to see that. But you've already come so far. Further than many folks. You've already taken so many big steps that, believe it or not, other folks are still dreading. And you're still here. You know what that shows? It shows courage. It shows tenacity. And it shows that somewhere, deep down, you do think your life is worth living.

Take things one step at a time, hon. We're all here for you, for as long as you need, okay?

*extra big hug*

Thank you both for your replies.

Learning to live, I just want to get past all the stuff that has happened and what I want is to be happy and doing ok. I don't know what I want to do in the job market which is making things feel harder as well. I feel like a constant disappointment to everyone. Theres a lot of things that are bothering me and I know what's driving the negative thoughts. I don't feel comfortable posting them publicly in case somebody recognizes me from real life, and I currently can't afford to subscribe to post in the just for us section, would it be ok to message you and talk?

Jessica, I'm really sorry those things happened to you. Thank you for trying to encourage me. I will try and rise to the challenge.

Sephirah, thank you very much for such a beautiful message. I'm so grateful for all of the support I receive here. Thanks for making me feel normal. I don't know what else to say other than thank you a million times.

Thanks again everyone, you all mean the world to me

Of course, Joey.  You can message me at any time. :)

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 01, 2013, 06:47:34 PM
:) Explain the name change issue, as long as the documents line up, you should be all set. What's going on there?

Sorry Devlyn, I completely missed your post there, I didn't mean to ignore you. I'm just worried that they'll treat me differently because I'm trans, and I'm also worried in case they contact my old employer and ask if joey worked there and they say no. I don't want being trans to hinder my chances of getting a job. My name is all legally changed but I'm still worried.

I think you'll be fine, you may have to explain the name change, but people do that all the time. When you're a successful tycoon, people will be explaining their name changes to you! Hugs, Devlyn

Joey, everything will work itself out. Just focus on one issue at a time. Take deep breaths and listen toall the wonderful people who posted ahead of me. Things will be alright if you allow progress to be made.

:)

Quote from: Joey. on October 01, 2013, 06:34:11 PM
I tried to commit suicide before and it went wrong, but I don't even regret it. That's what scares me. I don't feel afraid of death, I'm afraid of hurting those around me, that's why I wish something would kill me instead. I hate everything that has ever happened. I hate being such an idiot. I hate myself more than anything. I feel like a worthless, fat, ugly idiot that can't do anything right.

I have never tried to commit suicide, sure I've thought about it from time to time when I have been in the lowest of dumps where there really seemed like there was no chance of hope or that anything good could happen. I have been in many situations where I could have easily been killed. Each and every time I'd have a smile on my face afterwards, even when I felt completely miserable about who I was, sad about the situation I was in, no positive outlook..ect. I wasn't afraid during or after that moment that I could have died and I wasn't happy either that I lived but for some reason I always felt like it was Megan who was forced to stay hidden inside of me that kept me safe. Even when I really felt completely worthless and not worthy of life I still had, she was wanting me to continue on because I am worth living for. Even through all that you have been through so far it sounds like Joey is doing the same thing for you, he wants you to be happy, he wants you to live, he wants you to be worth more than anything in the world and really he's right! Here's a big warm hug for you Joey :D there are people who care about you even though you have never actually met them in person.

when looking for jobs, just tell them that your old employer knew you as "former name". either they ask or they don't, if you're lucky, they won't care that you're trans, or if they do care you'll know earlier. deed poll proves not only who you are, but also who you were.

i believe you're still a student under 25. your life is nowhere near over. you don't need a job right now in order to secure your future, though it might make life easier right now. no need to panic about not getting a job right away. try to make job search just one more type of homework, and spend no more time on it than what's highly necessary. when time runs out for the day, go back to studying. and try to meet up with new friends outside school.

As a few others have said, you can list your current legal male name, and then when you have a job reference on your CV, list (worked as: birthname). Yes it's crappy as all get out because you don't want people knowing that about you, but after you have done this with a few people, and they refer to you as Joey - guess what? Your old references are outdated, and your new ones know you as Joey - and you can then use them and probably not have to reveal your birthname.

Also, your life is NOT over, I can promise you that. Your situation is very familiar to me. I had a lot of dysfunction at home, a pretty bad self-image, I just felt bad almost all the time and happiness seemed so elusive. I can remember being a teenager and I was convinced I would die before I was 18. Not even by taking my own life, although the thought crossed my mind - I was just convinced that "someone like me" had enough life earlier on than others. Long story short, at one point I realized my life was worth more than this misery I lived in. I came out, started dressing as I wanted, acting as I wanted, and it got better exponentially faster. I went from feeling unloved to meeting a beautiful woman who I was with for 3 years, I got a job and although the job sucked (retail) I had great coworkers. I finished my degree. My family has been a struggle but in time they came around. You get the picture!

Now, I cry when I think of how I felt before because if I had died, there would be so much that I never got to experience. I was wrong about myself. You are on your way. You've come out, changed your name, you are working towards your education and your job situation. There's going to be difficult moments, awkward moments. And sometimes you're going to feel really down on yourself. But what matters is that you just do your absolute best to do the things you need to do for yourself. You have NO ONE to impress - if you "screw up" at something, so be it. We all make mistakes and it doesn't make us worth any less.

It's going to be OK.

Doubt is ordinary and human.

But Joey you are not a burden (which I hope is now quite obvious after so many saying it isn't so).

Work comes and goes all by itself, I don't think you want to blame everything on being trans too eagerly though.

If I had a dollar for every day that has seemed like the end, and clearly wasn't... and it's easy to focus on those moments and forget the good ones.

I think it is time you started a journal of positivity. Every day write something good about you and the world around you. I think given enough time, you wil surprise yourself. Don't be afraid to repeat some entries either.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on October 02, 2013, 09:25:19 AM
I think it is time you started a journal of positivity. Every day write something good about you and the world around you. I think given enough time, you wil surprise yourself. Don't be afraid to repeat some entries either.

That is a great idea! :D

Thinking positively brings positives to your life.

Thank you everyone again for such supportive replies. You're all great. You're all right. I can get through this if I stay focused.

Caleb, this part rings so true for me:

Quote from: caleb. on October 02, 2013, 08:28:46 AM
I can remember being a teenager and I was convinced I would die before I was 18. Not even by taking my own life, although the thought crossed my mind - I was just convinced that "someone like me" had enough life earlier on than others.

I thought I was going to be dead by the time I'm 25. At one point I completely stopped trying in school because as I said to one teacher 'What's the point, I'm going to be dead by the time I'm 25 anyway?' I'm glad I'm not the only one who experienced that. A lot of your post rings true with me and that gives me hope that one day I'll be the person I want to be, so thank you.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on October 02, 2013, 09:25:19 AM
I think it is time you started a journal of positivity. Every day write something good about you and the world around you. I think given enough time, you wil surprise yourself. Don't be afraid to repeat some entries either.

This is a really good piece of advice. I will start to do that tonight. I always thought about writing about the bad stuff, it never crossed my mind to write down the good. Thank you.

Thank you again to everyone, I couldn't do this without you all.

Joey, You have done a lot of extremely difficult things over the past few years. If you look back to each step in your transition I bet you said I can not do this or it is too difficult. You found the courage and did it. Each step elevated your identity and you have made significant strides that takes courage, real courage.

You are full time and I look to you for inspiration. You have so much to be proud of and need to reflect on the successes.  Now, you have another challenge and step, that is all.

You are a success and a survivor.

Thank you very much Cynthia, I really appreciate your kind words. You're right, I've said this many times before and always got through somehow. Thanks again, it means a lot to me.

Joey, as you go through life, you'll find yourself looking back, and a lot of the stuff looks smaller and smaller as time goes by. Somewhere in my forties I found that life was becoming more and more about wakes and funerals. Soon it sank in, one of these days, I'm gonna be the one in the coffin up at the funeral home.

Today isn't that day, and when I wake up seeing ceiling tiles tomorrow, I'll leap out of bed thrilled that I get another day to go see what happens in the world. Life is a gift. Happiness isn't, but happiness is everywhere just waiting for you to take it.

Hugs, Devlyn

Very wise words Devlyn. Thank you. Everything you speak is very true. A man very dear to me had open heart surgery today, very hard to deal with but it certainly puts things in perspective. Thanks again.