Susan's Place Transgender Resources

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What's up, hon?

Things will work out Joey. :icon_hug:

I can't do this anymore. I'm through with life. Sometimes I wonder if I've died and this is hell I'm living on. I want to fall asleep and not wake up.

What's up, Joey?  Hugs, Devlyn

*hugs* Talk to us Joey, we are here for you.

Everything. Everyone says it's going to be ok. It's not going to be ok. Things are never going to be ok. Once I die things will be ok. Everyone can live how they want to without me in their way. Nothing is ever ok. I need to be punished for everything I've done. I don't deserve anything.

1-800-784-2433

If you're considering suicide...call it. Please.

Quote from: Joey. on October 05, 2013, 07:27:51 PM
Everything. Everyone says it's going to be ok. It's not going to be ok. Things are never going to be ok. Once I die things will be ok. Everyone can live how they want to without me in their way. Nothing is ever ok. I need to be punished for everything I've done. I don't deserve anything.

Joey, I thought the same thing as you.  2 years ago I did something very bad that hurt my relationship with my husband.  My husband lives with pain and distrust of me ever damn day, and I've had to stop him many times from ending his pain the fast and cheap way out.  But even though I can never erase what I did, I still live on.  I still look for the good in life.  There is always a way.  We all love you and you don't deserve to be punished. You are a wonderful young man.

I know this is girly, but I felt this was appropriate:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y__copBmx-c (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y__copBmx-c)

Quote from: Joey. on October 05, 2013, 07:27:51 PM
I need to be punished for everything I've done. I don't deserve anything.

Joey, why do you feel like this? What do you feel you've done that you need to be punished for?

If you don't feel comfortable talking about it here, feel free to PM me.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,149821.0.html

Quote from: Darkie on October 05, 2013, 07:33:00 PM
Joey, I thought the same thing as you.  2 years ago I did something very bad that hurt my relationship with my husband.  My husband lives with pain and distrust of me ever damn day, and I've had to stop him many times from ending his pain the fast and cheap way out.  But even though I can never erase what I did, I still live on.  I still look for the good in life.  There is always a way.  We all love you and you don't deserve to be punished. You are a wonderful young man.

I've already caused everybody so much pain and hurt. I can't do anything worse. I can't see any good in life anymore. It never gets better. Every day I wake up and wish I hadn't. Thank you for your message and video.

Quote from: Sephirah on October 05, 2013, 07:36:28 PM
Joey, why do you feel like this? What do you feel you've done that you need to be punished for?

If you don't feel comfortable talking about it here, feel free to PM me.

I feel like I need to be punished for being born and just for being me. There's a person in my head that tells me I deserve everything I get. I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve life.

You don't deserve life. We've talked about this, the person you're going to save deserves you being around for them. If you don't think you're going to save someone, go back and read your own posts. Calm down and take a step back. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Joey. on October 05, 2013, 07:43:59 PM
I feel like I need to be punished for being born and just for being me. There's a person in my head that tells me I deserve everything I get. I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve life.

Sweetie, that person isn't you. That person is a manifestation of the way you're feeling. It's a cycle, you know. You feel bad, and because of that, this little voice in your head tell you that you are bad, and that makes you feel even worse. So it goes on.

Let me ask you another question. This voice in your head... suppose something good happens to you, something really awesome that makes you feel pretty great. What does the voice tell you then? Is it louder or quieter than when something bad happens?

Joey,

I really really understand you.  Believe me, I know what it's like to hate myself and think that I'm garbage.  At the end of the day, those feelings are what they are... feelings.  Despite my past regrets and mistakes that I constantly make, I'm not the piece of garbage I see myself as.  I suspect you and I are very alike in the way we think. Because I respect your privacy, I won't disclose our past conversations.  But I do want you to remember that much of what you feel and have gone through isn't necessarily your fault.  Being a victim of circumstance is horrible and it impacts us, but we can move past it through self reliance and hard work.  You have a whole team here to help you through this, but it's time that you start believing in yourself.  Without that, it will be challenging and things may not get better.  However, if you have faith in yourself and work for a better life, it can improve.  It's time you start believing in yourself.  You need to do it for yourself.   It's not easy, and I certainly am not there yet, but it can be done.  Please give it a fair shot.

Thanks everyone. I'm just in a bad way at the moment.

Quote from: Sephirah on October 05, 2013, 07:51:22 PM
Sweetie, that person isn't you. That person is a manifestation of the way you're feeling. It's a cycle, you know. You feel bad, and because of that, this little voice in your head tell you that you are bad, and that makes you feel even worse. So it goes on.

Let me ask you another question. This voice in your head... suppose something good happens to you, something really awesome that makes you feel pretty great. What does the voice tell you then? Is it louder or quieter than when something bad happens?

It's a lot quieter, but it isn't happy for me. It tells me I don't deserve it and that things are always going to get bad again so there's no point being happy. It's a vicious circle.

Quote from: Joey. on October 05, 2013, 08:00:37 PM
Thanks everyone. I'm just in a bad way at the moment.

It's a lot quieter, but it isn't happy for me. It tells me I don't deserve it and that things are always going to get bad again so there's no point being happy. It's a vicious circle.

Number one, don't listen to the voice Joey.  It's not telling you good things.

Number two, please see the proper medical professionals.  I know you don't want to, but they can help and prevent you for feeling this way.  Remember our talk?  You acknowledged this.  We all want what's best for you Joey, but you need to as well.

Quote from: Joey. on October 05, 2013, 08:00:37 PM
Thanks everyone. I'm just in a bad way at the moment.

It's a lot quieter, but it isn't happy for me. It tells me I don't deserve it and that things are always going to get bad again so there's no point being happy. It's a vicious circle.

The problem with chasing your tail is that when you stop, you end up with your head up your ass!

You set 'em up, I'll knock 'em out of the park! Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Joey. on October 05, 2013, 08:00:37 PM
Thanks everyone. I'm just in a bad way at the moment.

It's a lot quieter, but it isn't happy for me. It tells me I don't deserve it and that things are always going to get bad again so there's no point being happy. It's a vicious circle.

That's just it, Joey. It's just a vicious circle. And as long as you keep going around in that circle it will keep getting your head in a spin. This voice, I think that at one time it appeared to protect you from something. That's often the case, you know. Something really bad happens to you and your mind sort of creates a self defense mechanism in the form of this sort of internal critic. Maybe someone hurt you, or you really wanted something and tried so hard for it, but for whatever reason it didn't happen. I can't say for sure because I don't know your past. But that's certainly what happened to me.

Anyway, the point is, this voice appears to try and stop you feeling hurt again. It's actually a really dumb way for the mind to act, since it doesn't realise that it's actually doing far more damage than it's trying to prevent, but nevertheless, the point of it is to stop you from getting your hopes up so you'll never be hurt again. In a perverse way it's looking out for you, or itself, or something. Kind of like the old saying "if you don't get your hopes up, you'll never be disappointed".

Like you said though, when something good does happen to you, then this voice is a lot quieter. I mean basically what it's telling you is wrong, so it's hardly going to shout about it. So it goes on to grumble in the background.

Think of it like an overprotective parent. You know, the kind that's all "Yeah, go on, do it. You won't like it. You'll be back. I know best. I know what's best for you."

The thing about that is, just like an overprotective parent, it has this image of you as you were in the exact moment whatever it was happened which caused it to appear. The same vulnerable, hurt, scared person. And the trouble is, that image got out of date very soon after. But your inner voice doesn't know that. It still thinks you need protecting from yourself. It still thinks you need to feel like it's not worth trying, or striving for things because you'll just end up back in that state again.

The way to start getting it to STFU is to start thinking about all the good things that happened to you, the things that made you feel really awesome. The things that made that voice go quiet for just a little bit. Write them all down if you want to. And then, start taking little steps towards doing more of those things which make you feel good. Things you enjoy doing, things you're good at. I'm sure there's a bunch of stuff that you really enjoy doing, and that you're good at.

Once you start doing that, you'll find that voice starts getting quieter and quieter, as its whole argument becomes more and more invalid. Until, in the end, it just disappears one day in a sulk. And you can get on with being the awesome person you were always meant to be.

Thanks everyone. Ltl, I'm so scared of seeing a doctor. I don't want it to affect my transition. I know I need to, but I don't want them to blame all of my GD on my mental health problems. They're 2 completely separate things.

Sephirah, that was an amazing post, thank you. You're completely right and I didn't look at the voice like that before. Thanks for the tips about how to make it quieter, I will start doing that.

Thanks for being there everyone.

See, Sephirah? I told you that your posts sparkled. Hugs, Devlyn

I understand Joey.  Just remember that you have the potential to have a bright future ahead of you.  Please give yourself the chance to see it and experience it.   If you keep giving in to those voices, you will be robbing yourself of a great gift.  Take things one step at a time and address what's most urgent.  Sometimes it's easy to burn yourself out when you put too much on your plate.  At this moment, saving your life and realizing you have a great life ahead of you is what's most important.  It's up to you to decide how to get there, but I really do hope you try to do so.  We're all here for you Joey.   It makes me sad to see you go through this, but I know you'll go out of it with the proper hard work.