Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi again, I have posted before, but i will do a recap... my partner of a year is mtf post op, hormone treatment for 3 months until she failed to attend appointments after starting hormones...

I previously wrote how her and her mother behind my back bought a house for my partner which she fessed to me via face book messenger which caused a temporary split and a whole lot of heartache (I have just spent some time in crisis care as it tipped me over the edge with my Bipolar). She has since told her mum she doesn't want the house and her mum has still gone and bought it anyway.

In the past three weeks she has told me it is too stressful living with me and has moved out to 'find herself', yet tells me how lonely and depressed she is (she has moved into the house after all). I am finding it a massive kick in the teeth to be honest after all the support I have given her. She suffers depression since that start of the hormone treatment, which I thought would make her feel great that she had reached that point of her journey. I feel I can't do any more for her.

Anyway getting down to the nitty gritty, (please don't start hating on me) I don't think my partner is transsexual. I find her to be quite manipulative and only seems to tell her gender clinic what they want to hear. Her character is what I can only describe as very masculine, her hobbies include collecting various bb guns and other weapons, she has made no effort with her voice training, appearance and I am finding it very hard to associate any feminine traits to her at all. I mentioned to her that I thought it may be a sexual thing (she is very much into BDSM and other very bizarre sexual things) and she totally went off on the defensive about it. It also occurred to me that she has grown up with a very controlling and manipulative mother who she seems to idolise despite the way her mother treats me. I recently read that this in itself can cause gender confusion. I really feel my partner needs a lot of psychological treatment, yet has only had two sessions from her gender clinic before they diagnosed gender identity disorder. There are other things that have led me to this way of thinking, but I feel bad for not believing her any more. It's not just me that that thinks this, I saw her boss today who stated she is very concerned that she feels my partner is not transsexual along with other people who have mentioned it too. Since having depression she has been doing things by impulse, spending, hasty decisions etc which I think have long been part of her character, she is always seeking happiness and always regretting decisions she has made and I think this is one of them. She is currently beating herself up over not freezing sperm before commencing HRT, since we were trying to conceive. Another hasty decision on her part with regrettable consequences. I think my partner is so very confused but talking to her about such delicate things is really difficult as she gets so defensive and angry with me.

Please, can someone help me? My relationship is in tatters and my partner seems to be out of control with what she actually wants. It's heartbreaking. 

First of all, I'm really sorry you're in a bad place right now. The fact that you still feel you want to talk about what's happening, with your partner, and find out what's causing all this heartache, says a lot. *hugs*

Rather than make a comment, I'd like to ask a question, if that's okay.

You say your partner has suffered from depression since the start of HRT, which leads me to suspect that perhaps she may have been expecting more from the process than she got, and in turn that she may have issues which she needs to work on that aren't predominantly related to gender.

My question is, how was she before starting HRT? Mentally, I mean. Her outlook and demeanour.

Also, what I would say to you is don't feel bad for not believing her. I know that sometimes it can seem like you have to be permanently supportive and unflinching in your loyalty to your partner and the way she says she feels. But sometimes I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask questions. If only to find out if there are other issues at work which account for the things you have doubts about. For example if her depression is responsible for the lack of effort in her presentation, which may very well be likely. Nevertheless, relationships are give and take, trust and respect have to be given along a two-way line of communication and interaction. And she has to make just as much of an effort with your relationship for it to work as you do. It can't be a one-way process whereby one partner is expected to stand by the other no matter what. So don't feel bad if you think you're not getting nearly as much out as you put in, hon.

I think the only way you're going to know for sure is to try and keep the lines of communication open between you. Her anger and defensiveness may be based on issues she's struggling to deal with herself, and not a reflection of you, hon. Which, I know can be hard, and sometimes the way one feels can obscure the effect those feelings are having on others. But it may not be intentional. And it may just take some time for her to get to a place where she can open up a little more.

Have you thought about maybe contacting a therapist together? Maybe someone who can act as a sort of mediator for the two of you and give you an outside perspective on things?

Above all, I would like to say that you sound as though you're having to deal with just as much emotionally as your partner is, and I think it's testament to yourself that you're looking for help and advice to try and work through things rather than just writing it off. That speaks volumes. *hugs*

I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch with your SO.  Why is it she feels stressed out living with you?  What seems to be the cause of the strain in your relationship?  Is it transition related or something? 

As for the doubt about her identity, I can understand.  While there are plenty of masculine transwomen around, there are certain things that may set alarm bells.  If she is getting depressed over her decision to transition, that could be a negative aspect of her life which is causing her to be so distant and depressed.  On the other hand, just because she transitioned doesn't mean she wanted to portray herself as feminine; therefore, it really depends more on how she views herself and her transition rather than how masculine or feminine she acts.

Since she has a habit of talking on new things and acting on impulse, it sounds like she may be searching for a level of happiness that she never acquired in her life.  What's important, however, is that she knows what will make her happy and whether certain actions are good moves.  Has she been treated for her general depression or seen a therapist?  She may or may not be trans, but that isn't necessarily the most important aspect here.  It appears that she may be a negative self image that impacts how she views and interacts with the world.  Trans or not, that is something that needs to be dealt with before anyone can truly appreciate what they have and who they are (something which I know a lot about). I could be wrong, but that is what I got from it.   Whatever the case happens to be, I truly hope you two can resolve your problems and that she will find the happiness she needs.  Good luck!

Thank you both for your replies. It means a lot to know that people want to help me. I have given so so much to this relationship, in the early days of transitioning when she couldn't be bothered to get out of bed and dress, I use to kick her ass, get her clothes ready, do her make up for her. I have bought her clothing and given her confidence to go out in public, I have even challenged trans remarks (thankfully there has been less than you can count on one hand). But, in cross words, she has told me that by me doing things for her I have made her dependent on me, which she has now swung the other way and become dependent on her mum again, even though she told me she wants go and find her independence. Before actually living as a woman, my partner was a wonderful confident man who I felt protected me and loved me. Since becoming female, and before hormones, she became bitter, argumentative, lacked confidence and within a month of being female, she had been diagnosed with depression, which worsened after commencing hormones. Initially I thought maybe she was having a tough time of it all which is what caused the depression, but knowing how she is with impulse decisions and purchases, I can't help thinking that informing people she is trans was an impulse thing that she now regrets and feels she can't stop because obviously so many people know now.

She has described herself as always being very secretive, keeping stuff from her mum throughout her life which has continued into her relationship with me. I mean, running back to her mum and spending weeks with her mum (who she claims she doesn't like all that much) looking for and getting her mum to buy her a house behind my back, which I was expected to be happy about, is a big secret for both of them to keep from me. Getting on to her mum, who I believe strongly is a major factor for problems in my partner's life, this woman is awful. When my partner came out as trans, they didn't talk for two weeks, and then her mother told her she couldn't be because she wanted grand kids. What mother wants, she gets. I have a child from a previous relationship, and I can't help thinking I was chosen to fit the bill here sadly, the mother loves my son to bits, but her control with this house and my partner has backfired on her, I will not allow her into my home and near me and my son because I refuse to be controlled and won't have my son involved in such a destructive relationship. My partner has repeatedly got on my case about this, how she thinks I have made the wrong decision etc... Also, with the house, I told my partner, me and my son would not be moving as I felt it was a stupidly though out impulse decision. My partner went to see her mum and came back and told me I was blackmailing my partner! This is not something I would do and now everytime I discuss anything at all with my partner, she now calls me a blackmailer (which upsets me cos I know where it is fuelled from). I can't be my partner's mum, but on the otherhand, I can see how she is being manipulated by her mum and that I feel my partner feels she needs to spend the rest of her life making something up to her mum and I can't sit by and  watch this happen, even though my partner thinks her mum is not controlling and manipulative. In my partner's previous relationship, her mother through her ex out of the house, I just feel this woman can't stand her 'little boy' having any relationship at all.

Anyway off on a tangent there, I have repeatedly asked my partner to consider relationship counselling but she has said no. Does that mean I am not worth working for? I don't know why she thinks I am so stressful, if anything, I find living with her stressful. I highlighted to her last week that she had been at work all day and came home in a bad mood and that me and my son were not the cause of her stress.

I don't know what to do to make her happy any more. We had been trying for a baby for nine months, but impulse got the better of her when she got her prescription and commenced hormones before sperm banking and now she is regretting that. I mentioned sperm donation and she told me that would end our relationship, but in the same conversation told me she had considered it for us, confused! She also mentioned that her child would carry on the family name and a lot rests on her for that, yet, she knew hormones would cause infertility. I feel she spends her life thinking she has to make stuff up to people all the time and appease them and I get the brunt of everything, yet I am the most supportive of her. I have had her challenge my religion, my sexuality among other things in this relationship which I have adjusted, but this, leaving me and expecting me to just sit around and either wait for her to decide she still wants to be in a relationship with me and somewhere along the line live with me again or to tell me eventually that she doesn't want to be with me any more is a bit too much for me to take and not fair. Presently the house she is living in (which her mum is doing up) has no hot water, heating, electric which she is paying her mum £400 a month for while expecting to use my facilities free of charge. When I challenged her about this, she got angry and said and now I was being a financial burden to her. She can't have everything her way all the time and I can't (well I can) believe that her mum would allow her to do this to me.

I am so sorry this is a rant, but I love this person with all my heart and I have put so much effort in to changing my thinking. She swept me off my feet when I was about to start seeing another person, she went through so much to be with me, risking her job ( I met her on a professional basis) and now it's all going wrong. I am so sad. If only I could let her see how much her mum is effecting her life. I really need her to seek help from her destructive relationship with her mum and to find help for herself. I want my happy confident partner back.

Quote from: princessme on October 08, 2013, 04:43:56 AM
Thank you both for your replies. It means a lot to know that people want to help me. I have given so so much to this relationship, in the early days of transitioning when she couldn't be bothered to get out of bed and dress, I use to kick her ass, get her clothes ready, do her make up for her. I have bought her clothing and given her confidence to go out in public, I have even challenged trans remarks (thankfully there has been less than you can count on one hand). But, in cross words, she has told me that by me doing things for her I have made her dependent on me, which she has now swung the other way and become dependent on her mum again, even though she told me she wants go and find her independence. Before actually living as a woman, my partner was a wonderful confident man who I felt protected me and loved me. Since becoming female, and before hormones, she became bitter, argumentative, lacked confidence and within a month of being female, she had been diagnosed with depression, which worsened after commencing hormones. Initially I thought maybe she was having a tough time of it all which is what caused the depression, but knowing how she is with impulse decisions and purchases, I can't help thinking that informing people she is trans was an impulse thing that she now regrets and feels she can't stop because obviously so many people know now.

She has described herself as always being very secretive, keeping stuff from her mum throughout her life which has continued into her relationship with me. I mean, running back to her mum and spending weeks with her mum (who she claims she doesn't like all that much) looking for and getting her mum to buy her a house behind my back, which I was expected to be happy about, is a big secret for both of them to keep from me. Getting on to her mum, who I believe strongly is a major factor for problems in my partner's life, this woman is awful. When my partner came out as trans, they didn't talk for two weeks, and then her mother told her she couldn't be because she wanted grand kids. What mother wants, she gets. I have a child from a previous relationship, and I can't help thinking I was chosen to fit the bill here sadly, the mother loves my son to bits, but her control with this house and my partner has backfired on her, I will not allow her into my home and near me and my son because I refuse to be controlled and won't have my son involved in such a destructive relationship. My partner has repeatedly got on my case about this, how she thinks I have made the wrong decision etc... Also, with the house, I told my partner, me and my son would not be moving as I felt it was a stupidly though out impulse decision. My partner went to see her mum and came back and told me I was blackmailing my partner! This is not something I would do and now everytime I discuss anything at all with my partner, she now calls me a blackmailer (which upsets me cos I know where it is fuelled from). I can't be my partner's mum, but on the otherhand, I can see how she is being manipulated by her mum and that I feel my partner feels she needs to spend the rest of her life making something up to her mum and I can't sit by and  watch this happen, even though my partner thinks her mum is not controlling and manipulative. In my partner's previous relationship, her mother through her ex out of the house, I just feel this woman can't stand her 'little boy' having any relationship at all.

Anyway off on a tangent there, I have repeatedly asked my partner to consider relationship counselling but she has said no. Does that mean I am not worth working for? I don't know why she thinks I am so stressful, if anything, I find living with her stressful. I highlighted to her last week that she had been at work all day and came home in a bad mood and that me and my son were not the cause of her stress.

I don't know what to do to make her happy any more. We had been trying for a baby for nine months, but impulse got the better of her when she got her prescription and commenced hormones before sperm banking and now she is regretting that. I mentioned sperm donation and she told me that would end our relationship, but in the same conversation told me she had considered it for us, confused! She also mentioned that her child would carry on the family name and a lot rests on her for that, yet, she knew hormones would cause infertility. I feel she spends her life thinking she has to make stuff up to people all the time and appease them and I get the brunt of everything, yet I am the most supportive of her. I have had her challenge my religion, my sexuality among other things in this relationship which I have adjusted, but this, leaving me and expecting me to just sit around and either wait for her to decide she still wants to be in a relationship with me and somewhere along the line live with me again or to tell me eventually that she doesn't want to be with me any more is a bit too much for me to take and not fair. Presently the house she is living in (which her mum is doing up) has no hot water, heating, electric which she is paying her mum £400 a month for while expecting to use my facilities free of charge. When I challenged her about this, she got angry and said and now I was being a financial burden to her. She can't have everything her way all the time and I can't (well I can) believe that her mum would allow her to do this to me.

I am so sorry this is a rant, but I love this person with all my heart and I have put so much effort in to changing my thinking. She swept me off my feet when I was about to start seeing another person, she went through so much to be with me, risking her job ( I met her on a professional basis) and now it's all going wrong. I am so sad. If only I could let her see how much her mum is effecting her life. I really need her to seek help from her destructive relationship with her mum and to find help for herself. I want my happy confident partner back.

Without knowing your partner, it's very difficult to make an assessment of the situation.  It's possible she regrets transitioning and did it on an impulse without thinking it through, but it's also possible that she has difficulties coping with the stress involved in transitioning which may reflect in her general attitude towards life.   Since I don't know more than what has been said, there is no way for me to say what's going on one way or the other. 

No matter what she identifies as internally, there are issues in your relationship that need fixing.  On her side, she feels the desire to be independent and have more control over her life.   On your side, you are frustrated with her constant dependency with her mother and impulsive behavior.   Whether or not your respective views of one another is accurate, you do seem to be at odds with one another.   Personally, relationship therapy sounds like it would be good, but I realize that isn't an option because of your partner's reluctance.  Have you talked to her about what sort of independence she is looking for?  Maybe there is a way for you two to find a balance that will make you happy.  If she is more independent, then you both may find some sense of peace and liberation from it.  It seems like you are acting out of concern and giving her advice on what not to do in life, but she simply wants to do as she feels.  Maybe allowing her more freedom to act will allow her to feel more in control of her life?  Sometimes there is only so much we can do to help other people and we have to let them learn on their own.  Of course, I realize a relationship is a partnership, so her actions will have an impact on you as well.  That's why a balance may be good for the both of you.

Having said all that, I realize this is frustrating.  In order for things to improve, both parties need to be involved.  From what you have said in these posts, she isn't looking to improve the relationship woes or even her own personal issues.  Without working through those internal problems she faces, it may be hard to communicate with her and find a way to heal the relationship.  She needs to be willing to make sacrifices, just like you, in order to make the partnership work.  Moving in with her mother seems to suggest she is running from her issues hoping they will resolve on their own.  Perhaps she will learn in time that she needs to take action to make things work, but it isn't fair of you to wait either. 

In any event, I wish I had better advice to provide.  Despite my desire to help, I'm no expert on relationships in any way, so my feedback is simply reactionary to what I read and should be taken with a grain of salt.  Nonetheless, I hope both you and your partner find what you are searching for. 

*sympathy* You certainly have my support. I wish I had more useful advice, but it sounds like this is a thorough mess and there's not much you can do to start cleaning it up unless and until your partner cooperates. And you ARE worth the effort, but if she won't try... honestly, a lot of what's going on here isn't trans-related even if she is indeed trans, since the main problems seem to be her poor impulse control/poor decisions, disrespect of you and her child, and willingness to let her mother manipulate her.

Incidentally, a post-op woman really shouldn't be off HRT entirely; it's risky for her health. (Maybe the depression is from the hormone fluctuations??)

It is so frustrating, I feel like I am in limbo. Today's interaction turned into an argument. :/