Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey girls I'm just posting about a confusing matter in regards to my family and whether they are truly supportive or not.

Now they allow me to dress fully how I wish too, my mom helps me out with my make up supplies if I'm in need of some, my sister even based her birthday party around gender bending so that I could be myself fully as I haven't yet fully transitioned socially (I'm getting there though :)).

However they still stubbornly refuse to refer to me by the proper pronouns or my chosen name even when it's just the family all around at home. I mean not once since I came out (a full year now) have they referred to me as a she or called me Paige, in fact me even saying my name or writing it down seems to upset them. I mean just last week I wrote dad a note and said love Paige and my mum got all antsy about it saying please don't write that name down, your fathers very stressed and stuff. Sigh.  In the end it won't matter of course because I plan to legally change my name and gender next year after coming out fully and living full time but it would be nice to hear them call me the proper name and pronouns or at least try to.

I'm confused I just don't get them.

xx

Hi Paige

You are looking good!!!

They are still in some denial. I'd try not to let it get you down, as usual the change is bigger for them than it is for you.

I would ignore them and keep using your name and pronouns.

It takes time ... a long time.

It sounds like they still have some issues with your transition.  My family won't call me by the proper pronouns and it's because they can't stand losing their "son" or "brother".  While I don't know your family, it seems like that may be the case for you.  Have you had a talk with them?  Try to gauge their feelings and open a dialogue?

Quote from: learningtolive on October 09, 2013, 03:28:00 AM
It sounds like they still have some issues with your transition.  My family won't call me by the proper pronouns and it's because they can't stand losing their "son" or "brother".  While I don't know your family, it seems like that may be the case for you.  Have you had a talk with them?  Try to gauge their feelings and open a dialogue?

Yep I have asked them about it every now and then and they usually say it's too soon or maybe when u actually look female or okay we will try but its only because u'll get upset if we don't etc. And the conversation usually ends with me seen as the one at fault not them. And it really ticks me off at times. I mean when I finally did my 3 months therapy requirement and got my letter they were all upset saying this is wrong, it's way too fast etc. I mean they are under the impression I shouldn't expect to be qualified to get my srs for at least 5-10 years. The issue is I tell them this is my journey and I should be in control of how I progress but they keep saying we are on this journey with u and to slow down (to a snail's pace pretty much) because we need longer to adjust. Trust me I they were to learn that I planned on legally changing my name next year and come out full time they would absolutely flip.

Hmmm, y'know the first thing I'd do is start playing hard ball with your family. Ironically, this has been  something that I've been thinking about myself, when I go full time in the New Year. So I've devised a method that I think will work. Just ignore them untill they use the right name or pronouns, and you're just wasting your time if you're having to write it down for them everytime. They know what it is. Unfortunately it's just like learningtolive had said, they're afraid to lose their "son" or "brother." Just as mine are, but it's our decision, not theirs.

I agree with you 100% that this is your journey and you should be able be in control of how you progress.

Stand strong baby girl! We support you fully (even though you are more beautiful than I will ever be) and I have no doubt they will come around eventually. Just like you, they have been through a lot. At least they still talk to and support you to some degree. My family kicked me out of their lives with a forever clause. Be patient, it will come. BIG HUG!! Have a good day girlfriend!  :)

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 09, 2013, 02:48:15 AM
Hey girls I'm just posting about a confusing matter in regards to my family and whether they are truly supportive or not.

Now they allow me to dress fully how I wish too, my mom helps me out with my make up supplies if I'm in need of some, my sister even based her birthday party around gender bending so that I could be myself fully as I haven't yet fully transitioned socially (I'm getting there though :)).

However they still stubbornly refuse to refer to me by the proper pronouns or my chosen name even when it's just the family all around at home. I mean not once since I came out (a full year now) have they referred to me as a she or called me Paige, in fact me even saying my name or writing it down seems to upset them. I mean just last week I wrote dad a note and said love Paige and my mum got all antsy about it saying please don't write that name down, your fathers very stressed and stuff. Sigh.  In the end it won't matter of course because I plan to legally change my name and gender next year after coming out fully and living full time but it would be nice to hear them call me the proper name and pronouns or at least try to.

I'm confused I just don't get them.

xx

I told my family 4 years ago and they still cant use the pronouns or my name haha its really just how much they can handle. After all there bro/son they knew for X years is now a sis it will wreak there minds for quite a while. Possibly forever, just dont force them thats never the way.

Hope it gets better.

Ive noticed some family members, usually male, still refer to me as he, or him a lot, and it hurts my feelings! Some try out of those few mentioned, but not enough and the best approach I have is to smile at them when they do, and go about conversation or what have you. As for the ones that try? I give them a ton of props, as it is generally hard to see their son/brother/uncle no longer such. In their minds, its what they were used to, and while we have had x many years to deal and find a way to handle this, they havent. But im lenient lol, other family members, if hearing it, right down to my understanding and so much adored nieces, gently correct the offenders, lol! Some offenders even catch themselves, and say "he, i mean she"! While it may be slightly embaressing, or hurtfull, I no longer voice it as such, reason being they are accepting and loving, and embrace me for me :) Sometimes, it takes people longer than others, to fully get on board. Four monthes ago I was just a one year army vet brag about uncle/brother/son. Now im a loving aunt/sister/daughter, and Ive realized in time that different levels of acceptance arent really on us, but the other persons speed of understanding or processing what is going on. In the end, them showing they accept and love us, may not be at our preffered pace due to the simplicity of it in our mind, to them, it may be a complex math problem they have no calculator for.  Give them time, from the story I read above, it seems you are love and accepted and they are coming around to it at their own pace and what not. If it takes longer than a year to be adjusted, I would then voice my concerns. Much love and blessings to you, Paige! You look amazing!

 ;D just ignore them.

It's easier said than done, I know, but the only solution is to work on your OUTSIDE transition, that is... if the world eventually will call you Paige, well, they will surrender.
They are simply trying to protect you (in their minds) because they see still some "male" in you and they grasp it, like a drowning person grasps a floating wood.

:icon_poke:

The solution is to make them realize that they can swim in your new female sea, without drowning.

O0

Quote from: Marina mtf on October 10, 2013, 06:47:49 AM
;D just ignore them.

It's easier said than done, I know, but the only solution is to work on your OUTSIDE transition, that is... if the world eventually will call you Paige, well, they will surrender.
They are simply trying to protect you (in their minds) because they see still some "male" in you and they grasp it, like a drowning person grasps a floating wood.

:icon_poke:

The solution is to make them realize that they can swim in your new female sea, without drowning.

O0

+1 Yes that's it!

I'm sorry Paige.  I know what it's like and it sucks.  Last night I went out with my friend to a support group.  When I returned, my mom was in tears begging me with bribes to stop my transition.  After I calmly explained that this isn't really a choice, she then threatened to have me kidnapped me and send me to some foreign country. What's scary is that she may be serious. Family can be stubborn; sometimes to a point that makes us crazy.   I have no advice on how to change their mind or make things better, as you can see I'm still not out of the woods,  but I do hope things improve.  I guess my best suggestion is to try and understand that this is difficult for them as well.  That's what I try to tell myself. Still, they really should be coming around at this point, and I feel for you.  Have you tried family therapy?  I know I'm trying to force my mom to see a shrink, so that things will improve.  Maybe your family just needs to speak with someone to help them cope and come around?  I'm sorry it's so tough.  Please hang in there.

Quote from: learningtolive on October 10, 2013, 01:57:16 PM
I'm sorry Paige.  I know what it's like and it sucks.  Last night I went out with my friend to a support group.  When I returned, my mom was in tears begging me with bribes to stop my transition.  After I calmly explained that this isn't really a choice, she then threatened to have me kidnapped me and send me to some foreign country. What's scary is that she may be serious. Family can be stubborn; sometimes to a point that makes us crazy.   I have no advice on how to change their mind or make things better, as you can see I'm still not out of the woods,  but I do hope things improve.  I guess my best suggestion is to try and understand that this is difficult for them as well.  That's what I try to tell myself. Still, they really should be coming around at this point, and I feel for you.  Have you tried family therapy?  I know I'm trying to force my mom to see a shrink, so that things will improve.  Maybe your family just needs to speak with someone to help them cope and come around?  I'm sorry it's so tough.  Please hang in there.

Yeah well actually they are usually the ones forcing family therapy on me with a therapist named Steven Caroll. It hasn't happened anymore but a few months ago they basically ganged up on me (the therapist as well) making me the only one at fault. (i.e my sister said I was being an ->-bleeped-<- because I was ignoring her or my family when they called me by my birth name and only answered when they said PB (My nickname for the past year by them which I thought would be good as it would help them slowly morph away from the male name without going full on female name). Also that I had become more distant to them as them continuously viewing me as male was hurting my very being and I honestly didn't want to be around them as it hurt too much. They said I was rushing it and my father said ill probably regret taking hormones, that I'll end up ugly and not get any positive changes.

Supposed gender therapist remains mainly on families side saying I should consider their feelings, that they're on this journey with you and you should move at a pace right for them (which means basically at the very least no hrt till  like a full year of therapy and srs probably in 10 years). Dad goes to say he finds it stupid to only do therapy for 3 months and be able to start hormones. The only way they calmed down about the issue was when the therapist said the effects are mostly reversible. At the end we excited all happy go and the like they saying this was a great step and things have worked out for the better, which though I was happy they calmed down about it all was still depressed about how little things really improved. Parents always say therapist over my opinion because he knows these things and I don't pretty much. Sigh....

Looking great in your pic there.

Try taking away some of the pain of losing old you with a little humor.   Put a big ole pronoun jar in the middle of the table and insist that all proceeds go to srs.  The more they misgender you, the more change goes in.

But honey I feel for you.  Its your right to be gendered correctly and it helps with the dysphoria.

Sorry you're having to deal with this Paige

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 15, 2013, 04:16:16 AM
Yeah well actually they are usually the ones forcing family therapy on me with a therapist named Steven Caroll. It hasn't happened anymore but a few months ago they basically ganged up on me (the therapist as well) making me the only one at fault. (i.e my sister said I was being an ->-bleeped-<- because I was ignoring her or my family when they called me by my birth name and only answered when they said PB (My nickname for the past year by them which I thought would be good as it would help them slowly morph away from the male name without going full on female name). Also that I had become more distant to them as them continuously viewing me as male was hurting my very being and I honestly didn't want to be around them as it hurt too much. They said I was rushing it and my father said ill probably regret taking hormones, that I'll end up ugly and not get any positive changes.

Supposed gender therapist remains mainly on families side saying I should consider their feelings, that they're on this journey with you and you should move at a pace right for them (which means basically at the very least no hrt till  like a full year of therapy and srs probably in 10 years). Dad goes to say he finds it stupid to only do therapy for 3 months and be able to start hormones. The only way they calmed down about the issue was when the therapist said the effects are mostly reversible. At the end we excited all happy go and the like they saying this was a great step and things have worked out for the better, which though I was happy they calmed down about it all was still depressed about how little things really improved. Parents always say therapist over my opinion because he knows these things and I don't pretty much. Sigh....

Well honey, surprise, surprise your life is not all about them! I'm assuming that you're still living under their roof? If thats so they can say what they want, but in the final analysis it's your life after all and they can't live it for you, so you should listen peacefully and respectfully to their manipulative advice and then quietly do as you wish.

Quote from: Shantel on October 15, 2013, 01:15:45 PM
Well honey, surprise, surprise your life is not all about them! I'm assuming that you're still living under their roof? If thats so they can say what they want, but in the final analysis it's your life after all and they can't live it for you, so you should listen peacefully and respectfully to their manipulative advice and then quietly do as you wish.

Yeah that's what I've come to do, they can say what they want but in the end it doesn't matter two hoots to me. It's a shame mainly because I love them so much but I must do what's best for me. Honestly I'd prefer not living with them but financially its my best option for saving up for future surgeries, paying electrolysis, hrt, therapy sessions etc so I'll just have to bear with it in the mean time. 

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 15, 2013, 03:47:16 PM
Yeah that's what I've come to do, they can say what they want but in the end it doesn't matter two hoots to me. It's a shame mainly because I love them so much but I must do what's best for me. Honestly I'd prefer not living with them but financially its my best option for saving up for future surgeries, paying electrolysis, hrt, therapy sessions etc so I'll just have to bear with it in the mean time.

That is one way we pay our dues Miss, sounds like the most viable plan for you at this point.

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 15, 2013, 03:47:16 PM
Yeah that's what I've come to do, they can say what they want but in the end it doesn't matter two hoots to me. It's a shame mainly because I love them so much but I must do what's best for me. Honestly I'd prefer not living with them but financially its my best option for saving up for future surgeries, paying electrolysis, hrt, therapy sessions etc so I'll just have to bear with it in the mean time.

Believe me, I totally understand where you are coming from.  It's tough to deal with family when living under their roof.   I wish I had a great answer for you, but I just want you to know you aren't alone.  It sucks.  Families should be more understanding and accepting of us, but it's often a struggle. Nonetheless, respect is a two way street and they should try to work with you as you have been accommodating of their hesitance for a long time. 

Hmm well I once again attempted not answering them when they said my birth name. Ended with the conversation as follows. Mum: Oh for gods sake PB answer!! Me:Yeah I'm just doing the cat food. Mum: Answer when we call you!! Me: yeah I did. Dad: Look if I want to call u "insert birth name" I will call u "insert birth name"!!! Sigh :(

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 24, 2013, 03:36:32 AM
Hmm well I once again attempted not answering them when they said my birth name. Ended with the conversation as follows. Mum: Oh for gods sake PB answer!! Me:Yeah I'm just doing the cat food. Mum: Answer when we call you!! Me: yeah I did. Dad: Look if I want to call u "insert birth name" I will call u "insert birth name"!!! Sigh :(

Maybe start calling them things they don't want to be called.  It might get them to see your point of view if you refer to your Dad as Mum and vice versa?

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 24, 2013, 03:36:32 AM
Hmm well I once again attempted not answering them when they said my birth name. Ended with the conversation as follows. Mum: Oh for gods sake PB answer!! Me:Yeah I'm just doing the cat food. Mum: Answer when we call you!! Me: yeah I did. Dad: Look if I want to call u "insert birth name" I will call u "insert birth name"!!! Sigh :(

And your reply should be 'When you use my preferred name I will respond'

Quote from: Cindy on October 24, 2013, 03:44:53 AM
And your reply should be 'When you use my preferred name I will respond'

Sigh oh how I would love to but the grief it would cause is just not worth it. They would simply go off their heads and I don't want to risk getting kicked out. It wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't for the fact that I love them so much.

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 24, 2013, 04:07:09 AM
Sigh oh how I would love to but the grief it would cause is just not worth it. They would simply go off their heads and I don't want to risk getting kicked out. It wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't for the fact that I love them so much.

I'm sorry. I realise it is difficult, or worse than difficult

quote
Be yourself regardless of what other may think of you. Tis your life not theirs.
Unquote

Nothing is easy.

I truly understand.

:icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Maybe start calling them things they don't want to be called.  It might get them to see your point of view if you refer to your Dad as Mum and vice versa?
[/quote]

Thats what i was thinking..... but that could get ugly >.<

I understand completely.  My parents think that because they gave me that name, then that is what I shall be called forevermore.  I came out to them six months ago and they still can't wrap their head around it.  Once the initial shock wore off, my mom told me, "Well, your father and I discussed it (dad and I are practically estranged) and we decided not to disown you.  I don't think I can ever bring myself to call you Jill, so don't expect it.  You will always be Greg to us."  Gee, how about "We love you no matter what and just want you to be happy."  Nice, huh?

Anyway, they haven't seen me since last Thanksgiving when I had a full beard.  I don't look remotely like a Greg anymore, so we'll see what happens.  If they are less than civil this Thanksgiving, I may just end up disowning them!     

My parents told me that I was going to be ugly if I transitioned and that people sould see me as a guy in drag all the time and at the same time they were supportive of me trying out gender stuff. I am not sure what their idea was. As long as I was dressing up and such, it was ok. But as I started seriously transitioning and get HRT, I lost them and had to move out and away from them as they were not ok with that. They also kept calling me my old name. My mom said "I will always call you by the name we gave you" at first, then she tried to get it right at some point but failed most of the time. Now she just confuses my name with that of her dog LOL - so it took them a loong time to get over it. I still got support - my dad paid living expenses and university fees.
But the biggest thing i guess is that I had the impression that the more others outside my family accepted me and the better I "passed" on the outside, the more I participated in activities as my new self and be not only accepted but often even go unnoticed, my parents came around. After all I was not seen as a guy in a dress or anything else they feared, so they relaxed. And they saw that I turned from an extremely introvert freak to a person that is alive and that finally seeped in. Still took a long while. SRS made it more real for them though - I did that decision myself, pulled through it and then my parents knew that they would not see <my old name> ever again but that they gained a new daughter that was much more fun to be around than otherwise. So dont be too hard on them, tell them that you wish to be referred to as your new name and gender and insisto on it if yu can, but dont get into fights about it too much, but make sure they know that you are hurting everytime they do otherwise...

Quote from: anjaq on October 24, 2013, 05:28:50 PM
My parents told me that I was going to be ugly if I transitioned and that people sould see me as a guy in drag all the time and at the same time they were supportive of me trying out gender stuff. I am not sure what their idea was. As long as I was dressing up and such, it was ok. But as I started seriously transitioning and get HRT, I lost them and had to move out and away from them as they were not ok with that. They also kept calling me my old name. My mom said "I will always call you by the name we gave you" at first, then she tried to get it right at some point but failed most of the time. Now she just confuses my name with that of her dog LOL - so it took them a loong time to get over it. I still got support - my dad paid living expenses and university fees.
But the biggest thing i guess is that I had the impression that the more others outside my family accepted me and the better I "passed" on the outside, the more I participated in activities as my new self and be not only accepted but often even go unnoticed, my parents came around. After all I was not seen as a guy in a dress or anything else they feared, so they relaxed. And they saw that I turned from an extremely introvert freak to a person that is alive and that finally seeped in. Still took a long while. SRS made it more real for them though - I did that decision myself, pulled through it and then my parents knew that they would not see <my old name> ever again but that they gained a new daughter that was much more fun to be around than otherwise. So dont be too hard on them, tell them that you wish to be referred to as your new name and gender and insisto on it if yu can, but dont get into fights about it too much, but make sure they know that you are hurting everytime they do otherwise...

I am the same before I was a massive introvert but since coming out I'm just so much more out there now and have become a lot more independent. Parents don't think so though lol they still think I need to be hand held with everything.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but do you know of any 'successful' transgender woman that they can meet and talk with?  I do this when requested to do so, in my case it it usually for parents of transgender children who worry about their child's future. They meet me as a successful and happy woman in business and life and it can ease some fear and concerns for their child's future.

If I may make a suggestion.  First, I like Cindy's suggestion. But more importantly, take a step back. I realize, feeling the same way you do (mtf), we have felt this way for some time. Paige has been hidden away from the world for some time, only able to express herself to a mirror and quite possibly some friends (I'm just doing examples) . It is the same way with me being Chelsea.
So, don't forget while we have known who we are for years, our families are just now meeting us. Imagine it this way : your child / parent / spouse is killed in a car accident. To fix things the doctors assign a brand new person you've never met to fill that spot.
I believe that while we beg to be accepted, sometimes we forget how drastic our change is for others. I know it's been a long time, but perhaps they are still grieving over the "death "of their son. It is a lot to ask of us to be patient, but we're asking them to completely forget an identity they knew all their lives.

Thats a pretty cool idea Cindy. I just have gotten the thought that maybe one day I want to do that for others. Not be openly trans to everyone but to be open about it to young TS and their parents and tell them that you can do a carreer even if you are an early transitioner and have to get all of this after transition. Which I must say I think is a bit harder than getting a good education and position before transition and then keep that. Though keeping that is probably a challenge too. Still I can see myself in that position

Chelsea, I think you are right that they are grieving. Probably even in these stages of grief - denial first...
Parents take the longest time of all to get name and gender right all the time.

Quote from: Kaylee on October 24, 2013, 03:44:19 AM
Maybe start calling them things they don't want to be called.  It might get them to see your point of view if you refer to your Dad as Mum and vice versa?

I like this idea. It's time my mom and sister get a dose of male pronouns.  They refuse to call me or any other trans person by the proper pronouns, so maybe giving them a dose of their own medicine will do some good.  Though, as Paige said, it can get messy and backfire.   

Hi Paige,

I'm wondering if you might want to wait them out and let the HRT do it's work.  By the way you look amazing.   Let them think they're winning this one battle while you progress further every day to your ultimate goal of a full transition.   I know it hurts, but putting up with it might just make them easier to live with while you plan and save.   Just be your feminine self, eventually, they're going to feel silly calling you by your old name.  You're probably going to have other problems with them, maybe it isn't wise to waste all your energy on this battle. 

Perhaps putting up with their crap will demonstrate to them that you're ready to deal with all the crap that being transgender throws at you.

Anyway it's just an idea.

Quote from: learningtolive on October 25, 2013, 07:00:31 PM
I like this idea. It's time my mom and sister get a dose of male pronouns.  They refuse to call me or any other trans person by the proper pronouns, so maybe giving them a dose of their own medicine will do some good.  Though, as Paige said, it can get messy and backfire.

So yeah, bad idea.  It doesn't work too well.  I was just told I'm jealous because I'm not actually a women like them.  My sister decided to call me transsexual when I called her a he.  Let's scratch that strategy off, lol.  Families suck and offer no compassion.   Paige, I hope your family comes around and treats you with the respect you deserve.  I'm sorry to see another person go through this.  No one deserves that. 

Quote from: learningtolive on October 25, 2013, 08:19:33 PM
So yeah, bad idea.  It doesn't work too well.  I was just told I'm jealous because I'm not actually a women like them.  My sister decided to call me transsexual when I called her a he.  Let's scratch that strategy off, lol.  Families suck and offer no compassion.   Paige, I hope your family comes around and treats you with the respect you deserve.  I'm sorry to see another person go through this.  No one deserves that.

Sorry LTL! :( x

Well we had sissy's 21st gender bend theme. I looked fab btw however after a few lol drinks I need to go and I thought stuff it I'm going in the proper bathroom and I did and it feel so great and right. However sis found out and she got upset and mum was annoyed saying why did u do that, what if a lady had walked in. You know what stuff it get mad because I don't care, I felt so great for doing this and you are not taking this away from me.

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 26, 2013, 06:34:20 AM
Well we had sissy's 21st gender bend theme. I looked fab btw however after a few lol drinks I need to go and I thought stuff it I'm going in the proper bathroom and I did and it feel so great and right. However sis found out and she got upset and mum was annoyed saying why did u do that, what if a lady had walked in. You know what stuff it get mad because I don't care, I felt so great for doing this and you are not taking this away from me.

If you looked fab like you do in that avatar photo then you need to stay far away from the men's room...period! Your mom and sis will continue to see you as Fred or John or whatever you were formerly because they have lived with you and known you from birth and in their minds they refuse to see anyone else. Families are the absolute worst and most stubborn ones, it takes years for them sometimes to turn the corner. Eventually when everyone else in the world is calling you Paige, Miss, Ma'am, honey and sweetie, then they will begin to realize that the old you is gone forever and no longer exists and they will be forced to come around and accept reality.

I think personally that it doe snot pay off to "shoot back" too much. They are going through a great deal to adjust and accept - it does not help this if one becomes agressive or snippy about it. I would say, keep telling them that you dont like it, remind them of how you want to be called and otherwise as was said before just go on with your way and if the rest of the world perceives you and calls you by your chosen name and your real gender and you just dont look, talk or act like that old person anymore, at some point they will feel silly about calling you by the old name or gender. I can imagine a key moment will be if they are with you around other people who call you correctly and they want to stick to their old habit. Either they just feel its wrong to do so in that situation, or they will do it and then get really weird looks by the other people. "Normal" people who are not trans - sometimes this tells them that even for non trans people the validity of your gender is not in question anymore. For now I guess during transition, all that remains is to express your wishes to them and show you are annyoyed if they dont respect that but go with it for now. Sometimes they will start to try and avoid using names or gender pronouns at all to avoid the hassle... ;)