Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok so I get my letter Oct 31st.. yea finally get what I always wanted...HRT.
So, plan is to start low dose and see how it goes from there. I am on the fence on total transition.
The issue I have is basically I have a perfect life, perfect wife, perfect job.. I own my business.. everything is great except the lie I have lived all my life.  So if I transition do I lose more than I gain. If I transition I lose my wife, who knows about the kids and grand kids and their extended families.. will not be pretty... will be shaky at best.
Wife accepts me knowing how I feel and feels sorry for me that I have GID.. but will not stay married to a woman.. I know that for sure but if I stay a man she accepts the condition so there is no shame, no quilt.. she can find my girl stuff and would not care.. so I at least don't have to deal with the lie now.

HRT... will it help me relax and go with it to full transition..
Thinking about transition makes me so happy.. I am tired of the dysphoria I feel.. and its all the damn time.. go out to the malls I feel it..watch tv I feel it.. see people happy in their own skin I feel it.. I can hardly look in the mirror..
So HRT low dose could I just go on as I am and be happier...
Has anyone found a way to just stay a guy and be ok on low dose HRT.. what can I expect.
Honestly I am trying to fight this off and just be a guy but then it seems to be too strong.. I know when I get my letter I will start HRT.. I just can't seem to help it.
Sorry for the ramble but this is a big decision... biggest of my life.
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 01:36:22 PM
Ok so I get my letter Oct 31st.. yea finally get what I always wanted...HRT.
So, plan is to start low dose and see how it goes from there. I am on the fence on total transition.

Good for you!  Congrats on taking an important step for yourself, your mental health, and your future!

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 01:36:22 PM
The issue I have is basically I have a perfect life, perfect wife, perfect job.. I own my business.. everything is great except the lie I have lived all my life.  So if I transition do I lose more than I gain. If I transition I lose my wife, who knows about the kids and grand kids and their extended families.. will not be pretty... will be shaky at best.
Wife accepts me knowing how I feel and feels sorry for me that I have GID.. but will not stay married to a woman.. I know that for sure but if I stay a man she accepts the condition so there is no shame, no quilt.. she can find my girl stuff and would not care.. so I at least don't have to deal with the lie now.

That sounds like a great start; she is aware of your condition and seems somewhat supportive... how long has she known?  Perhaps, over time, as familiarity with the condition and its ramifications, her stance on staying married could change?

One thing I've discovered so far (and, from reading these forums, many, many others have discovered, too, is that once we make assumptions about people (including ourselves) we are quite often proven wrong.  Here's hoping. :)

As far as owning a business, this can work out, too, depending on your area, your employees, etc.  If you do catering to highly conservative Christian organizations as your main line, maybe not so much... but there are a number of successful business owners who have transitioned quite successfully, some of them are active on this board.  :)

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 01:36:22 PM
HRT... will it help me relax and go with it to full transition..
Thinking about transition makes me so happy.. I am tired of the dysphoria I feel.. and its all the damn time.. go out to the malls I feel it..watch tv I feel it.. see people happy in their own skin I feel it.. I can hardly look in the mirror..
So HRT low dose could I just go on as I am and be happier...
Has anyone found a way to just stay a guy and be ok on low dose HRT.. what can I expect.
Honestly I am trying to fight this off and just be a guy but then it seems to be too strong.. I know when I get my letter I will start HRT.. I just can't seem to help it.
Sorry for the ramble but this is a big decision... biggest of my life.
Carrie

I would suggest you take it slowly.  It sounds like both you and your therapist think HRT is a good idea, so slow is probably the way to take it.  And brace yourself, too.  Even if the hormones have little effect to the way your brain and pheromones work, just making progress toward your goal of becoming a woman can have profound consequences.  Remember, this is *your* life.  Yes, you want to share it with your wife (and I hope it works out!)... but over time you will become what you desire to be, or you will shelve the whole idea, try to bury it and tough it out.  Both options are difficult paths... the second option will likely result in serious mental and physical issues over time as you spend more and more energy fighting yourself to a draw.  It sounds like you *need* to transition, or you wouldn't be where you are.  Remember you are doing no one in your life any favors by making yourself miserable.  You deserve to be happy just as much as your wife, family, and friends do.

Good luck, Sis!  :)

I started on a relativly low dose years ago. I totally look different now, then when I started, facewise and especially bodywise. I think I easily pass when I have makeup on. Stealthy transition for me is no longer an option, especially with a near D cup bra measurement. Next year I am getting FFS and going full time no matter what. I know what you're going through is a tough decision, I have "detransitioned" a few times myself because I didn't think what I was doing was working. In the end, what I knew and believed since I was 4 years old won out. I've passed the point of no return. Just something to think about. Hope this helps.  ;)

Thanks for the wonderful replies.. yes I told my wife today in the least I will be starting low dose HRT just to be sane and try to just do that.. she is ok with it.
She wants me to be happy.

I was killing myself slowly with food...Since I have hope to transition I have now lost over 30lbs.. work out 2 hours a day and do not take lisinopril for high blood pressure anymore.  I am in a sense starting the transition.. no more hair cuts.. but I do have to cut my nails dang it..
My wife said I should get some blue nail polish and do my toes at least.. to make me feel better..
So thanks again.. I am feeling so good now getting in shape feeling like I have a future..
Before I came to terms with this I was giving up and my health was really going down hill fast
Yes and from my first meeting with the therapist she confirmed my condition especially since I was diagnosed in early 90's.. and I can tell she thinks I need to do something and is supportive of that... not pushy but I can tell she thinks I would be happy if my body more matched my brain...
Its an amazing journey.. life is.........seems like yesterday I was a kid praying for god to change me and here I am.. still here praying.
Carrie

Quote from: Christine Eryn on October 09, 2013, 02:41:47 PM
I started on a relativly low dose years ago. I totally look different now, then when I started, facewise and especially bodywise. I think I easily pass when I have makeup on. Stealthy transition for me is no longer an option, especially with a near D cup bra measurement. Next year I am getting FFS and going full time no matter what. I know what you're going through is a tough decision, I have "detransitioned" a few times myself because I didn't think what I was doing was working. In the end, what I knew and believed since I was 4 years old won out. I've passed the point of no return. Just something to think about. Hope this helps.  ;)

Christine,
Thanks.. I knew at 4 too... I am fighting but she is winning... its weird..almost like I can't help  become what I am..  You would think it would be an easy decision...to finally get what we always wanted.. should be a no brainer.
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 02:48:53 PM
Christine,
Thanks.. I knew at 4 too... I am fighting but she is winning... its weird..almost like I can't help  become what I am..  You would think it would be an easy decision...to finally get what we always wanted.. should be a no brainer.
Carrie

You used the word decision... To a point that's good, if you intend to not ( fully ) transition.

Beware the girly pills, they're a little too good.  >:-)

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 02:48:53 PM
Christine,
Thanks.. I knew at 4 too... I am fighting but she is winning... its weird..almost like I can't help  become what I am..  You would think it would be an easy decision...to finally get what we always wanted.. should be a no brainer.
Carrie

Hey, it is "You" who is winning, the only true You. Once You acknowledge that as a given, You dont want to fight and resist Yourself.
I have to admit that the HRT is some sort of drug addiction - once You start it is difficult to go back, because at first You feel euphoric, then that feeling starts to slowly subside, replaced by total mental calm and serenity and You are absolutely sure that nothing in this world can shake Your confidence - but that is a different kind of confidence, no kin to male arrogance and pride. And once You get comfortable with that... it disappears and You realise that You are looking at something unwordly beautiful (which could be an autumn coloured tree or a small fluffy kitten or...) and there are tears in Your eyes.
What I wanted to say with that is - apart of physical changes, which may or may not manifest themselves quickly and even then Your femininity could be sort of kept within limits (ouch) - the HRT affects the brain and mental changes are by far the most important ones.  Everything, which You are considering as cast in stone - You might be throwing out of the window after four months. Seriously, when I started to lurk on this board in February, I was quite skeptical about many comments and experiences shared. Somebody has started her HRT and now she cant stand guy's clothing anymore? How pathetic and defiant, and she is just probably just delusional or overly self-suggestive. Oh, how I was wrong and how all those persons were correct in their statements... On top of that, I often just cant act as a guy anymore - even if I wanted to, I just cant. My best male friend made a comment in that regard, and just for a laughter, I tried to make my usual stone-face cold expression and just act in my usual guy pattern - having watched me for about a minute, he told me that I was totally un-convincing (and he knew me for 15 years) - and I was really trying hard. He also noted that my overall presentation has changed and the way I am moving now is more fluid and softer - and I did nothing - it just happened...
Moreover, I never noticed how all those changes happened and when - they just did. So to wrap this all up - I am not trying to warn or discourage You from starting the HRT - I am sure, it is what You always needed - but be open-minded in Your journey and expect a lot small changes just piling up and driving the guy inside of You away completely :).
Take care and be safe :)

  Hey, Carrie.  I spent 36 years of my life with nearly constant high nerves which slowly but surely drove me into serious fatigue and depression since puberty.  Originally I though it was severe anxiety but after living with it long enough and analyzing it to death I realized it was mostly unrelated.  The depression from this and not understanding myself socially and sexually as related to my current identity all drove me to the point of near hopelessness.  When it got bad enough that I concluded I didn't care if I woke up alive in the morning something finally cracked in my head and I broke through a lot of repression and began seriously researching Transition and HRT.

  HRT for me is just as much about calming my mind and body as it is about presenting it differently.  I took a great risk diving so deeply into the process and coming out as trans to many people without any strong assurances that it would make a difference.  But since starting just low-dose Spiro I have already felt some actual measurable change in my level of general physical discomfort, reduced related fatigue and better stress handling.  Some days the effect is less strong but I can always tell it is different from my life-long baseline.  It is the only thing that ever worked for me and yet it was the only solution never offered or even dreamed of by my original family doctor (he thought it might be LOW testosterone!) or anyone else I ever discussed my troubles with.  I am hoping that when Estrogen is added to my prescription it will continue the positive trend above and beyond what I've felt so far.

  All that said you had better be sure of your intentions.  My current doctor who prescribed my HRT would not likely have agreed to it had I not been settled in my direction and not done anything else major towards it.  If low-dose HRT can make you feel better in some ways that's great but from what you've said there is more to the issue whether or not you feel better.  I highly doubt HRT will allow you to settle for the status quo.  Don't count on estrogen to make any of your life emotionally smoother either while you tackle your family and public life choices.

Violet and Emily
Wow, great insight and interesting too.. I really read both posts several times.
Emily, what you describe is what I fear and at the same time long for.. acceptance and peace.
Violet, your candid insight gives me pause but at the same time.. I too want the calming effect and presenting differently for me is getting less important to me and comfort and calming is more important.
I have finally realized what being transgender has done to me all these years.. I have coped well but could have been so much more..
So thank you both..
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 09:25:17 PM
I have coped well but could have been so much more..

That's so true.  You cope with the lie but you don't really live.  Your mind is always obsessing about your gender.   God if I could have 10% of the energy I've wasted running this through my brain, over and over and over again.  It amazes me that my mind doesn't just explode.

You may have a concern for sterility after taking "E". Do you want anymore children? I would address this with her. Take care! :)

Quote from: Violet Bloom on October 09, 2013, 07:26:43 PM
  Hey, Carrie.  I spent 36 years of my life with nearly constant high nerves which slowly but surely drove me into serious fatigue and depression since puberty.  Originally I though it was severe anxiety but after living with it long enough and analyzing it to death I realized it was mostly unrelated.  The depression from this and not understanding myself socially and sexually as related to my current identity all drove me to the point of near hopelessness.  When it got bad enough that I concluded I didn't care if I woke up alive in the morning something finally cracked in my head and I broke through a lot of repression and began seriously researching Transition and HRT.

It was very much similar for me as well... Hugs :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 09, 2013, 11:46:16 PM
You may have a concern for sterility after taking "E". Do you want anymore children? I would address this with her. Take care! :)

are you sure that is correct ?
I found this and am questioning that now
http://www.milkjunkies.net/2013/05/trans-women-and-breastfeeding-personal.html

QuotePosted by: carrie359

Honestly I am trying to fight this off and just be a guy but then it seems to be too strong.. I know when I get my letter I will start HRT.. I just can't seem to help it.

Well....as has been said, YMMV...perhaps you'll be happy on a low dose + no further transitioning (except for clothes and small details). But, you've already noticed the "I just can't help it..." feeling. Once you're on a low-dose, it might be that "you just can't help it" when your endo says, "Bloodwork is fine! I would like to increase the dosage to abc, how do you feel about that?"

You might get a wave of excitement....and you just can't help it, thinking "I can just get the Rx, but don't have to take the dose, just keep it low..." but the next morning, it's like "OMG Dr Endo said my dose should be abc...gotta take that!"

That's why you do need to plan "just in case", because transitioning can become a near-compulsive activity, once you realize how HRT affects you...you just gotta do it. (But again...some don't. They're happy at an intro level)

Beth,
I see your point and others.. that the E being something we did not get is like a drug..once we get it finally how do we stop and where does it end.
I just want the dysphoria to lighten up. Its always been there.. forever but now its like killing me. I may as well be 13 years old again having the same hopeless feelings.
I know I have a choice.. live till I die like I am or do something about it.  I think I need to give it a shot and see what happens.. At least if I try and I quit I know I tried.. If I do nothing then 5 years from now I will always wonder.. and if I get any older I will have less to gain in my opinion.
I am running on 4 cylinders right now... barely able to do my job. One day I think I can make it without taking E the next day I am like.. wow it just seems like the natural thing to do .
The girl is in charge most the time now.
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 10, 2013, 08:04:23 AM
Beth,
I see your point and others.. that the E being something we did not get is like a drug..once we get it finally how do we stop and where does it end.
I just want the dysphoria to lighten up. Its always been there.. forever but now its like killing me. I may as well be 13 years old again having the same hopeless feelings.
I know I have a choice.. live till I die like I am or do something about it.  I think I need to give it a shot and see what happens.. At least if I try and I quit I know I tried.. If I do nothing then 5 years from now I will always wonder.. and if I get any older I will have less to gain in my opinion.
I am running on 4 cylinders right now... barely able to do my job. One day I think I can make it without taking E the next day I am like.. wow it just seems like the natural thing to do .
The girl is in charge most the time now.
Carrie

Carrie, I think the time for You to act has come. I had exactly the same feelings before I finally started to search about transition and the HRT - I never thought that it was possible for me and that my time has long gone. But when it all just suddenly came back, I was unable to deal with it and for the worst part - initially, I could not figure out what was happening and just thought that I was in severe depression. And then, I started to vaguely remember those feelings, but could not clearly picture them into certain period of time (I was in very deep denial ever since I think I was 16, so I preferred to forget things which made me feel uneasy). But those feelings refused to go away and one day I remembered very clearly what were those feelings and what I was doing when I felt exactly the same - those were my long suppressed memories from early childhood-teens. And I basically freaked out, because I was sure that they are gone forever. Well, it was very far from truth... :) But here I am, at last :)

And Carrie...

Just take this process one step at a time. There's a chance you'll be happy with a low dose....and there's a chance you need more. But you won't know until you get there, and you can actually weigh the dysphoria against the effects of HRT.

And, neither will your wife. Even though she says "No!" to a girl-girl relationship...as time goes on and you keep trying to hold her in your heart...she'll weigh your transition and what it means to her, too. A breakup is never 100% guaranteed.

Hope this helps.

Quote from: -Emily- on October 10, 2013, 08:34:27 AM
Carrie, I think the time for You to act has come. I had exactly the same feelings before I finally started to search about transition and the HRT - I never thought that it was possible for me and that my time has long gone. But when it all just suddenly came back, I was unable to deal with it and for the worst part - initially, I could not figure out what was happening and just thought that I was in severe depression. And then, I started to vaguely remember those feelings, but could not clearly picture them into certain period of time (I was in very deep denial ever since I think I was 16, so I preferred to forget things which made me feel uneasy). But those feelings refused to go away and one day I remembered very clearly what were those feelings and what I was doing when I felt exactly the same - those were my long suppressed memories from early childhood-teens. And I basically freaked out, because I was sure that they are gone forever. Well, it was very far from truth... :) But here I am, at last :)

Emily exactly what happened to me.. went to a therapist for overeating and had my trans feelings tucked in a corner but I was always acting on it.. cross dressing but it was tucked away an just a little part of life hidden.
In therapy with a regular therapist she said I may have unresolved issues from childhood and I started crying and all the trans feelings memories feelings came forward and I knew I could not be honest with the therapist... to resolve my issues.
So after that I became depressed and then sought help.. at the same time this was happening another pilot came out ..Zoey and then the Navy seal came out.
I realized suddenly how real my gender issue is. My wife told me the other day she wishes I had done it the first time it came up in our marriage when I was around 30..  I have mixed emotions about full transition.. since I am 54.. testosterone has kicked my female ass...
Carrie

Quote from: Beth Andrea on October 10, 2013, 09:17:41 AM
And Carrie...

Just take this process one step at a time. There's a chance you'll be happy with a low dose....and there's a chance you need more. But you won't know until you get there, and you can actually weigh the dysphoria against the effects of HRT.

And, neither will your wife. Even though she says "No!" to a girl-girl relationship...as time goes on and you keep trying to hold her in your heart...she'll weigh your transition and what it means to her, too. A breakup is never 100% guaranteed.

Hope this helps.

Thanks Beth,
I think she would stay with me in the end...especially since its a slow process and she may even like me as a woman.. we may not have sex but we are truly soul mates so sex is not the driving factor in the success of our 31 year old marriage.. but she does say she gets ill when thinking of me as a woman..
She could not sleep the other night so was up late in the other room and a LGBT thing came on and showed a mtf transition.. and she freaked out.. bad timing.
Anyway she has agreed I should do low dose to calm things... so that is a step in the right direction.
Carrie

Quotetestosterone has kicked my female ass...
Carrie

The beauty of transitioning when one is older (I'm 49, started at 47) is that every little minute change is treasured and noticed by us. When one is younger...they might not notice the softer skin, because they still have youthful skin...they might not notice wrinkles lessening, and (often) a more youthful appearance, because they're still youthful.


But the mental and emotional changes are the biggest...and no one sees feels those but us. I can't even imagine going back to a T world...Like the song says..."Older women...make beautiful lovers...older women....they understand..."

So YAY! for older women!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoSr3SsoQs8

A low dose will do nothing for you. Being on a low dose of HRT will not make you feel happy about yourself (it didn't for me, being on low start dose for 9 months) I had no changes and did not feel any better about myself. It wasn't until higher dose of HRT that things started to change, and now I feel better in myself. Also you will need a T blocker, as HRT will not work on its own.

The thing you need to understand about transition is that, you CAN'T pick and choose the things you want to change and the things you don't.

Even if you have a low dose of HRT (like I had), you can't stop changes (if you get any) without stopping HRT all together.

And I can't see any DR would let you stay on a low dose (what would be the point?)

I was on phyto-estrogens for several months before HRT...even those helped. It is illogical to say "X won't help you, because it didn't help me"....everyone is different and will have different responses to E or T.

Ok. What about changes that they don't want? My point is, if he wants to stay a guy, how can he do this without any changes from HRT?

Hey Carrie,

As some have said, hrt effects us all in different ways.  In my case, it hasn't eased my dysphoria much at all.  In fact, it actually has emphasized how much I need to transition by highlighting how much I want to do so.  Most people report a calm sensation, but for me it has been making me think things like "you got to do this girl and make it fast"!  While I have always desired to transition and stop presenting male, hrt has really strengthened those feelings to an intense level.  It may not do that for you, but please be aware that hrt can also inspire you to make further changes so you can forever leave male mode.  That doesn't sound like something you want, so please be careful. 

Quote from: learningtolive on October 10, 2013, 01:28:48 PM
Hey Carrie,

As some have said, hrt effects us all in different ways.  In my case, it hasn't eased my dysphoria much at all.  In fact, it actually has emphasized how much I need to transition by highlighting how much I want to do so.  Most people report a calm sensation, but for me it has been making me think things like "you got to do this girl and make it fast"!  While I have always desired to transition and stop presenting male, hrt has really strengthened those feelings to an intense level.  It may not do that for you, but please be aware that hrt can also inspire you to make further changes so you can forever leave male mode.  That doesn't sound like something you want, so please be careful.

Wow, really good food for thought.. I am just trying to figure out a way to be happy.. As much as I would love to transition.. I have so much good in my life that could change for the worse..  I may need to just do as I always have an find diversions...and put Jeannie back in the bottle ..  As a guy everyone loves me so much.. I pass well as a guy LOL...I will have to put a lot of energy into transition..  I wish I could find a way to get the pain to go away..without drugs..
Carrie

Just a small correction. According to my endo, who has been handling MTFs since 1975, in some cases estrogen alone will shut down testosterone production. Consequently, he starts with estrogen and adds a t-blocker if needed after he sees how far testosterone production falls or if it falls at all.

So in some cases (the minority) just estrogen alone can shut down testosterone production. He did state that most MTFs require an additional anti-androgen but that this was why he would start slow and add the anti-androgen later.

Is everyone not understanding the question?

Did he not ask, how he could stay as a man but take HRT to feel better in himself?

If I'm understanding his question right, won't HRT give him changes he would not want, like slight breast growth?

Yes, you can titrate you HRT to reduce, and even eliminate depression and dysphoria, however, the feminizing effects of Estradiol aren't limited to your appearance. Brain changes begin almost immediately. In just months your brain will feminize, including a 10% reduction in total volume. You will process sense data as a female, using a combination of grey and white matter. The differences in thought are profound, and will lead you, in my own experience, down the road to transition. In short, the train will leave the station, and whether you take your wife on the ride, will depend on several factors-Truth and love primarily. According to an endocrinologist I know that handles HRT, his experience is because of slow outward changes on HRT, wives get "used" to the idea and learn to accept their trans husbands.

Good luck.

Bethany : Actually, my caution was going to be the reverse, that even low-dose HRT *could* have significant effects. I had exactly the opposite experience from yours; I started on a dose so low menopausal cis women use it, no anti-androgens, and after 3 years I was 42DDD and pathology reported my testicles were 100% nonfunctional.

So it's different for everybody, all right. It is, however, true that the changes aren't something we can choose or control. Carrie, you will have to be prepared for the possibility that in addition to the psychological temptations, there may be real physical effects that you may or may not be able to hide... though usually there's a window in which you can stop, if you can't risk further changes.

Quote from: carrie359 on October 10, 2013, 03:21:26 PM

Wow, really good food for thought.. I am just trying to figure out a way to be happy.. As much as I would love to transition.. I have so much good in my life that could change for the worse..  I may need to just do as I always have an find diversions...and put Jeannie back in the bottle ..  As a guy everyone loves me so much.. I pass well as a guy LOL...I will have to put a lot of energy into transition..  I wish I could find a way to get the pain to go away..without drugs..
Carrie

There may be a way to settle the pain without drugs.  HRT and/or transitioning can be a god send to many, but I truly believe there are trans people that have found peace without transitioning.  Is that you?  Only you can know.  What's important is that you follow through with the best path for you and not what's best for trans person a or b.  Remember, hrt can ease possibly ease dysphoria, but it can also make you really feel your dysphoria and want to keep moving forward.  Also, there will be physical changes over time that you can't always take back.  The best thing to do is to weigh the pros and cons and find what's best for you.  I'm concerned about whether you are simply holding this in for others.  If you do that, no pill will solve your happiness because you are stifling your inner desires and needs.  You need to address what is making you unhappy and find a peaceful resolution, whatever that may be.  Let me ask you, in an ideal world what do you want?  After you realize your ideal world, how do you think your idealized self would cope or exist in the current circumstances of your life and limitations you face?  what would life be like?  Is it something you desire or something you can't bear?  Is it better than your current life and could you find the happiness you seek?  These questions are really tough but they helped me in the past (and still do), so I hope they may offer you some insight on where you are going and what you really want. 

Quote from: learningtolive on October 11, 2013, 03:37:54 PM
There may be a way to settle the pain without drugs.  HRT and/or transitioning can be a god send to many, but I truly believe there are trans people that have found peace without transitioning.  Is that you?  Only you can know.  What's important is that you follow through with the best path for you and not what's best for trans person a or b.  Remember, hrt can ease possibly ease dysphoria, but it can also make you really feel your dysphoria and want to keep moving forward.  Also, there will be physical changes over time that you can't always take back.  The best thing to do is to weigh the pros and cons and find what's best for you.  I'm concerned about whether you are simply holding this in for others.  If you do that, no pill will solve your happiness because you are stifling your inner desires and needs.  You need to address what is making you unhappy and find a peaceful resolution, whatever that may be.  Let me ask you, in an ideal world what do you want?  After you realize your ideal world, how do you think your idealized self would cope or exist in the current circumstances of your life and limitations you face?  what would life be like?  Is it something you desire or something you can't bear?  Is it better than your current life and could you find the happiness you seek?  These questions are really tough but they helped me in the past (and still do), so I hope they may offer you some insight on where you are going and what you really want.

So many great posts...for me I have decided to hold on HRT and give more time to therapy.. It will also let me get do a few things.. grow hair out for fun....want long hair.. can pull back still work.. lose another 30lbs get into perfect shape... then decide.. If the pain is still as great as it is today I will not be able to keep from starting HRT or I will do something stupid to myself.. if you know what I mean.
I just spent 50k on a toy.. and I am no happier.. although it may give me a short term diversion. 
Now that I accepted myself as I am.. I can't deny my female side..
I might be able to cope but I don't think so.. I was ready to kill myself not long ago.. only thing that helped was the thought of getting what I wanted all along.
My wife was ok with low dose.. but I told her I was putting on hold the whole thing and see if I can cope now... at least If I can't and give in she will know I tried my best and I know she will appreciate me for that.
Carrie

Quote from: DrZoey on October 11, 2013, 01:52:23 PM
Yes, you can titrate you HRT to reduce, and even eliminate depression and dysphoria, however, the feminizing effects of Estradiol aren't limited to your appearance. Brain changes begin almost immediately. In just months your brain will feminize, including a 10% reduction in total volume. You will process sense data as a female, using a combination of grey and white matter. The differences in thought are profound, and will lead you, in my own experience, down the road to transition. In short, the train will leave the station, and whether you take your wife on the ride, will depend on several factors-Truth and love primarily. According to an endocrinologist I know that handles HRT, his experience is because of slow outward changes on HRT, wives get "used" to the idea and learn to accept their trans husbands.

Good luck.

Zoey,
I think in my case that would be true.. my wife loves me.. and I think a slow change she would become accepting.. not sure but its possible. 
I have decided to put on hold the HRT.. go ahead and get my letter and be ready but just wait..
I am going to try some competitive aerobatics and dive into that and see if the diversion works.. I know it won't but will be fun to try.
Carrie

Quote from: Beth Andrea on October 10, 2013, 01:18:48 AM
Well....as has been said, YMMV...perhaps you'll be happy on a low dose + no further transitioning (except for clothes and small details). But, you've already noticed the "I just can't help it..." feeling. Once you're on a low-dose, it might be that "you just can't help it" when your endo says, "Bloodwork is fine! I would like to increase the dosage to abc, how do you feel about that?"

Just went through that. We talked it over. My SO is supportive but I decided not to press my luck. I think the best thing was me being honest and not increasing anything behind her back. The best plan I have is to keep things at her pace.

I originally planed for low dose but when the time came I said I want full dose.

The 5 year old won in December. I had a 45 year fight and now I have peace.

I have to admit, the last few months have been so much better than the past I can not express the freedom I feel.

My body really likes E and I am so so happy I have AA and Fen. 

QuoteOriginally posted by DrZoey:

Brain changes begin almost immediately. In just months your brain will feminize, including a 10% reduction in total volume.

If this is true, how does the brain stay stable within the skull? Bone doesn't reduce...just curious, maybe I'm misunderstanding something.

"I don't just have a screw loose, the entire brain assembly is clunking about inside!"

As for hrt for or against it, im going divulge a little teensy bit of my wife and mines history. Granted, we are thirty now, have been together for seven years....but shes known so to speak since we first met around age 13: shes always 100% been into men, and from day one
let me know as shes seen me live female off and on for years, that she needs a man.  I took the statement for what it was, andw as fine at the time as i was supressing myself. Eventually, curiosity got to her, and once that box was opened, there was in essence no shutting it. She was curious as to my liking female clothing being so feminine anyways. Well, that led to weekends once a month, to once a week, over a very short time frame. And everytime i had to go into man mode, a deep rooted depression would hit, and hit hard. I tried further supressing myself by joining the army. Yet again, when we got the chance while i was in training after bootcamp, she would meet up with me every weekend, or me, her. That was a once a week trip for either of us, for quite a few monthes. Each time, my inner female was no longer supressed in privacy together. Well, once I got home to her, and had an assigned duty station, it was as often as possible, so as we kept it at home. Amd she would see my depression hit, and even went so far as to being mbaressed in public I was so feminine. Now, to me, in past relationships, this was a deal breaker for me, but we stuck it through together hone the less. Finally, we decided that HRT was the best route seeing as i was infertile, and that it would stop me from slowly being more and more and deeper depressed. We discussed things with my PC doc, I got testing. Sent me to an endo, read my test results, and informed us we couldnt get preggo cuz i was intersexed. Clothes off in front of him he was shocked the army never said anything and that i didnt get "fixed" at birth, and concurred with us that not only is HRT correct and true for me, but according to my bloodwork, medically nessecary. All that said, HRT hit me hard, and in good ways, and she saw this. In the end, we are fully out and ive been living full time since day one pretty much of deciding hrt was right. Prior i lived full time at home, once hrt started i went fulltime public and work as well.

I guess that my point is sometimes, wives tend to come around when they realize that love is there and the only thing changing really is a social role....asside from other changes we see as time goes on. Now, Im only four monthes in for the most part, but am legally female 100%....sometimes, it is better to just go with the flow, and once HRT starts, there is a way to back out, but if you are genuinely female, HRT will only further strengthen those emotions to a point of not being able to turn back, no matter what. Because that dark place is finally gone, and your chains of a male role get broken. And once that happens, well.....lol! You can figure that out from everyones stories, because it is true!

As to your initial question. You will feel the effects of HRT. Spiro will make you pee very often & estrogen will certainly change your attitude to a much more peaceful level.

Good luck resolving your others issues. Just my personal advise on HRT.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on October 12, 2013, 05:12:31 PM
If this is true, how does the brain stay stable within the skull? Bone doesn't reduce...just curious, maybe I'm misunderstanding something.

"I don't just have a screw loose, the entire brain assembly is clunking about inside!"

This is correct, lol. The brain does not shrink, it just changes certain areas under MRI to have a female pattern and match from the effects of estrogen on the brain. Further more, they have done pre hrt studies on trans women and they show those areas of the brain already have a female shape and pattern. This reiterrated the gendermapping in utero theory of a developping fetus, and is in effect a huge part of the scientific evidence that moved Gender Dysphoria out of a mental disorder status that it was once held in by the term Gender Identity Disorder. Its not a mental disorder, but a scientific anomoly. Therapy SoC has been reformed to match this by acknowledging that HRT helps those with the condition, and lessened the rigors on gatekeeping. Therapy helps sort and deal with the dysphoria, not rid ourselves of it, for that purpose. It is there as a guideline to help with transitions social and financial implifications solely. ;)

Hello Carrie,

I've been on lowish HRT for over 18 months and currently have no issues in passing as a guy.  I have no intention to transition at this point in time - I'm in a similar situation where life is pretty darn good if it were not for the GID.

It's working for me for the time being.  My experiences on low dose are in this thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html

Hope it helps.  If you have any specific questions, feel free to pm.

Quote from: luna nyan on October 12, 2013, 10:12:34 PM
Hello Carrie,

I've been on lowish HRT for over 18 months and currently have no issues in passing as a guy.  I have no intention to transition at this point in time - I'm in a similar situation where life is pretty darn good if it were not for the GID.

It's working for me for the time being.  My experiences on low dose are in this thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html

Hope it helps.  If you have any specific questions, feel free to pm.


Very Helpful,
Thank you. 
Carrie

Carrie, All of the other posts have given good advice. I was in my early 50's when I started on HRT. I am now almost 70 and all though I have not fully transitioned, my physical  changes are very noticeable, there no going back for me.

I wish you the very best. 

Quote from: bethanyjadefowell on October 11, 2013, 11:46:44 AM
Is everyone not understanding the question?

Did he not ask, how he could stay as a man but take HRT to feel better in himself?

If I'm understanding his question right, won't HRT give him changes he would not want, like slight breast growth?

I don't think that question can be answered definitively, because people have such individual reactions to HRT. Some report extreme physical changes with only slight mental changes and vice versa. In many ways very unpredictable.

Gina, That is what I was trying say,and just what is a low dose for one person may not be the same for someone else. There will be some physical changes, only time will tell how much  and they are not reservable  .

That is what I meant. One you get changes (that people can see), you can't always get rid of them, even by stopping HRT.

Can I ask, if you take HRT and it makes you feel better in yourself, then stop HRT (because you get changes people can see), do the 'better feelings' you have go away over time? And if so, would you then not be back to where you were, before HRT? 

I have to admit in the end I may have to go all the way in transition.. for me it could be a life and death decision that I am fighting hard.
Carrie

And Really the changes are what I want.. I am just trying to survive and make it..... My dysphoria is absolutely kicking my butt now.. I work out two hours a day just trying to get ready for transition.. at the same time saying I want to try not to do it..
I am at the end of my rope now...
I had to go back to my bag of tricks to cope.. which means spending a lot of money on something I don't need.. but that diversion will buy me at least 6 months..
Without it I would be all in on HRT end of this month.. and only low dose initially.. after 6 months if I feel ok would go full out.. Its such a big decision I need some time.. to think more.
Carrie

Carrie, we both know that You are just delaying the unavoidable. When it came all over me, I had a lot of coping mechanisms and they all came down, pretty fast, one after another. And nothing else seemed to work, or at least for a long-term.

Emily,
Yes exactly where i am.....

Quote from: carrie359 on October 13, 2013, 05:08:18 PM
I have to admit in the end I may have to go all the way in transition.. for me it could be a life and death decision that I am fighting hard.
Carrie

I totally know why you mean. I started HRT four weeks ago today and there are times I sit and think "What the hell am I doing?" A few days I've skipped my meds in the morning but have taken them by the end of the day. For me, it's not necessarily what I want to do as much as what I have to do in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. Like you, I have a good life now. Not married, but I have four kids (24, 22, 20, and 14) all of whom I'm close with. I wonder how my youngest son (14) will react and even my older son. How will their friends react? What happens when I start having grandkids? Worse case scenario I lost all of that--not to mention the job I really like.

Fortunately, I have a strong support network. If you don't have one, get one! I am out to several friends (no family yet) who are very supportive, my g/f, and some in her family, who are also very supportive.

Still, it's a tough decision, I know--we all know. The good news is that if you start a low dose, you can try it on for size and see if it's for you. If not, you can walk away. But my counselor told me that most everyone who does that comes back. That actually tells me a lot.

Good luck...weight your choices carefully, build your support network, and take it from there...

Jane

For me, the mental changes were too pronounced and far too positivie to ever contemplate stopping HRT. The few times that I have made the mistake of skipping my dose for more than one day, the anxiety, uncomfortable feelings, and irratability came back immediately.

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on October 14, 2013, 09:15:06 AM
...
but still... I get those moments "What the hell am I doing??? How this all is going to end? Will those close to me be alright? Will I be alright?" I wish I had answers to those questions...

Having gotten through a number of traumatic events in the past (not transition related, well, at least not at first glance) I can tell you with some confidence that you and yours have the capacity to be alright.  Any lingering not-alrightness will be, eventually, unrelated to the traumatic event (some people just can't understand they have a right to be happy, including me once upon a time, and they will never *be* alright until they learn that it's OK for them to be alright, too).

<segue to tie into OP>

I broke up the only home my older (step) daughters knew when I divorced their mother.  I agonized over the necessity, nearly destroyed myself with guilt, beating myself up over not being strong enough to stand up to the abuse and preserve the home.  When it was all said and done, though, sure we all hurt, but we're OK.  Transitioning is just another one of those things.  You could be hit by a bus tomorrow, or succumb to some terrible illness.  Either of those would be far more tragic and disruptive to loved ones than a transition.  Kids *are* resilient.  So are grownups; we have to be.  If you need to transition in order to live, or at least live a fulfilling and worthwhile life, DO IT!  We owe it to our loved ones to live and grow and be happy... if we don't, how will they ever learn to accept themselves? 

When I came out to my daughter, that's one of the things I mentioned.  I had always told her to be true to herself, but I hadn't been true to myself.  Here's me, taking a huge step (and a scary one) to present myself as the person *I* am inside.  If I can do this, and she can be with me through this, then surely being her goofy, highly intelligent and very talented self at school will be easier.  We can do this.

Hugs to all!

-Robin

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on October 14, 2013, 09:15:06 AM
...I get those moments "What the hell am I doing??? How this all is going to end? Will those close to me be alright? Will I be alright?" I wish I had answers to those questions...

I kinda feel this way right now after the last laser session on my face.  They ramped it up higher than ever this time and my face has looked almost like acne for days.  It's tough keeping in mind it will be better soon but it reminded me that I haven't started electrolysis yet and that will be another nasty marathon complete with having to grow out my beard over and over again for the proceedure.  I'm sort of drifting in a middle-ground with no solid identity waiting for all of this madness to come to an end.  I'm really not ready to be a full-time woman in mind or in presentation until my face is no-longer a cyclical wreck.

I keep trying to tell myself this is not real..the dysphoria then keeps pounding my thoughts..
I am very unhappy.. I can't even at this point care about my kids..that are grown let alone grand kids. I am very self centered right now. I still have thoughts of suicide when I think I can't transition for whatever reason..
I think I am getting pretty depressed.. even though I am still working out every day and trying to get to girl weight.. which is my mission.
This body and life I have is a prison and I want out.  I have never been one to be depressed..and here I am and I totally understand why the suicide rate can be so high.. sometimes I just want to go to sleep. I asked god to cure me and make me a girl when I was little.. and now I have asked god to just take me and end the pain.
Such prayers seem so futile...
I told my wife If I fight it off and die an old man I want the kids to know one day that I did it for the family.. She said "no" she would not want them to remember me that way.
You talk about cutting like a knife into my soul.. If I were strong enough to fight this off and die unhappy then for her to seem ashamed of that... well it really pissed me off.  I am getting to the point that I really don't care about anything right now and that scares me.
I think HRT is my only hope....because I am at the end of my rope..
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 14, 2013, 11:49:32 AM
...
Such prayers seem so futile...
I told my wife If I fight it off and die an old man I want the kids to know one day that I did it for the family.. She said "no" she would not want them to remember me that way.
You talk about cutting like a knife into my soul.. If I were strong enough to fight this off and die unhappy then for her to seem ashamed of that... well it really pissed me off.  I am getting to the point that I really don't care about anything right now and that scares me.
I think HRT is my only hope....because I am at the end of my rope..
Carrie

This is why there are protocols and world-standard practices for helping transgendered people... it's because this stuff is deadly serious.  Please call your therapist or get help whenever things seem too crushing.  HRT alone will not be the complete answer, I'm afraid, but it *is* a step along the way.  Work with your therapist to help shore *you* up.  So many of us have lived in a way that is *not* authentic for so long.  Often it isn't until we reach a crisis point that we can reflect and truly understand what it is we need to do.

Remember, if you lose your wife but gain *yourself* you are still ahead of the game.  She can't keep the kids away from you, legally, unless you are a legitimate danger to them, and trans status is *NOT* considered a legitimate danger.

*hug*  You are taking the first steps... things are likely to get worse before they get better... just hang on and *know* that they *will* get better!

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk to someone... I am not full-time, have not started HRT yet, but I *have* survived some pretty horrible things that I really thought would kill me, once upon a time.

It's not easy, but being true to yourself and investing in your happiness and well-being down the road is *so* worth it.

*hug*

Thanks Robin,
I hope there is hope in the end..

  HRT will likely help you but beware that it's not a fix-all particularly for emotional troubles.  My doctor described it like putting a 'polish' on your state of mind rather than it being a major overhaul.  They normally won't precribe it until all personal issues are reasonably resolved through other therapy or personal closure.  They said that most of the time when people on HRT experience major mood problems it is because these problems were already there for one reason or another.  You may end up feeling better in some ways but more unstable in others.  Also a lot of people become severely depressed when they find that HRT produces inadequate physical changes in their own body.

  My own personal emotional challenge that I knew I had to face head-on before starting HRT was coming out to my mother and earning her acceptance and consent.  Most of my anxiety and related symptoms cleared after I worked up the courage to do that.  Many months later I finally cleared a waiting list for a doctor and completed the assessment process for HRT approval, which I have now been on for about a month.  I went into HRT feeling more positive, relaxed and grounded than I had pretty much ever in my life because I had self-diagnosed and worked through my own personal emotional hurdle first.

Quote from: carrie359 on October 12, 2013, 03:58:54 PM

Zoey,
I think in my case that would be true.. my wife loves me.. and I think a slow change she would become accepting.. not sure but its possible. 
I have decided to put on hold the HRT.. go ahead and get my letter and be ready but just wait..
I am going to try some competitive aerobatics and dive into that and see if the diversion works.. I know it won't but will be fun to try.
Carrie

Be safe up there. The closest to aerobatics I've done in the EC145 is a 110 degree ag-turn. I've seen the Dutch roll there EC135's.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on October 12, 2013, 05:12:31 PM
If this is true, how does the brain stay stable within the skull? Bone doesn't reduce...just curious, maybe I'm misunderstanding something.

"I don't just have a screw loose, the entire brain assembly is clunking about inside!"

10% reduction in total volume isn't significant. The brain is still shrouded in two net like membranes called the meninges-Pia and Dura matter that's cushioned by the Arachnoid. What's more, the feminized brain is a wonder to behold. So much more going on than in the two-piece puzzle male brain (Sex and aggression). Ugh, I hate testosterone poisoning.

Quote from: DrZoey on October 14, 2013, 12:53:08 PM
Be safe up there. The closest to aerobatics I've done in the EC145 is a 110 degree ag-turn. I've seen the Dutch roll there EC135's.

Zoey,
I will be careful ... I must brag that an Retired Air Force guy that trained me said I was the best seat of the pants pilot he ever flew with... so I just become part of the bird.. As long at the plane stays together I am good. I do most practice at an altitude that would allow me to use my parachute.. should a failure occur
Carrie

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on October 14, 2013, 01:42:17 PM
Carrie,

I thought that You already reached the stage when You are clearly aware that everything else will just prolong the agony. I feel like we both are somehow the same, though we are different persons from different parts of the world and ages, but we both went deep into denial mode (which was fun at times, I would be lying if I deny that) and we both sort of failed. Well, I failed, but You keep struggling. Is there a hope at end of this struggle and is that hope the one that You need? Me too, I could have continued with my hobbies, and maybe tried something new - I always wanted to try parachuting and diving, but somehow never had enough time/resources for that. But what made to stop was when I looked back and realised that all those activities, toys and events - they just served as a distraction for my mind and that I essentially had wasted two decades of my life. On that day, I was looking in the mirror and finally allowed my "other" self to see her - even if she was only a look in my eyes, an airy and disappearing hint of softness, which changed my face entirely for a split second - but that was enough for me to see that she is still there and she is not going to leave. And I just did not have more guts to try to kill her again - because that is what I had been doing all that time. She had survived, she was destined to come out and it was someone else's turn to go away for this time. The moment of truth. I know that You know that afterwards life will not be all roses and pink and whatnot, but at least will become easier in many ways - it will become more open, honest and You will become a much more better person than You were before :).

So true..  and I hate feeling so female inside and not acting on it.. I did paint my toes today.. socks hide them.. and if I forget and my wife see's them so what... she knows..  so I am making small steps..
I am a mess..
Carrie