Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've noticed time and time again some things that are starting to sink my heart, I know I'm very young and far from worldly wisdom I'm sure many people here have over me.  But I've been experiencing something that outright crushes me, and it's happened time and time again.  The first incident was my sister, then my friend's boyfriend and it has kept happening to people around me, and I've seen it happen twice in these forums.

I feel the need to mention how out right upsetting, how hurtful and how utterly counter productive it is to close out everyone around you in times of deep distress.  To look at what people say and don't take it as concern or as them really wanting you to pull it together, but to take it as an act of war and start clawing their face. 

There is NO reason to get angry at people trying to help you.  Even if what they say might get taken offensive, SAY THAT.  Don't blow up in their face, don't start a fight or a conflict. 

I'm not wise, I'm not that smart.  But I'm pretty damn sure I know how my fellow friends should be treated.  Not like that.

End rant.

Big hug! Emotions tend to run high around here, sometimes we say things we later wish we didn't. Your post is a good reminder for everyone to think about how their words may be received. Hugs, Devlyn

We all have different points of view or backgrounds and that can sometimes be a powder keg, but we are family here. Family members may disagree, but we come together in the end. I have occasionally gotten upset, but if we can't debate amongst ourselves how will we be there for each other in a world that is not kind to us? Try not to take things personally and remember, our moderators will not let things get to far out of line. You are right, we need to respect each other and take opposing views for what they are worth, a catalyst for thought and reflection.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 15, 2013, 03:26:37 PM
We all have different points of view or backgrounds and that can sometimes be a powder keg, but we are family here. Family members may disagree, but we come together in the end. I have occasionally gotten upset, but if we can't debate amongst ourselves how will we be there for each other in a world that is not kind to us? Try not to take things personally and remember, our moderators will not let things get to far out of line. You are right, we need to respect each other and take opposing views for what they are worth, a catalyst for thought and reflection.

I've gotten upset too, I usually try not to say anything after things have gone to far, but instances like this I want to make clear because I don't want other people to get stuck in the same problem.  This kind of thing is not what we need, and it's usually self inflicted by one or the other party.  I'll admit that there are some things that can be said to possibly ignite the powder keg, as you called it.  But even then, a simple civil statement about how you disagree with that approach and just saying how it may have offended you is enough to say rather than exploding on the person.

Hate isn't a good thing, why anyone would choose that over a simple disagreement is beyond me. The exact reason I made this post, I want this kind of thing to stop- especially in our highly difficult lives as it is.  We need the escape to be clean.

Good post Lexi!  It's easy to get emotional, I have done so in the past, but we have to realize that most here are coming from a good place and mean no harm.  Most want to help even if the advice isn't what we want to hear.  On the same token, we should also do our best to be as careful as possible not to offend someone even if we mean well.  At the end of the day, this is a support site and we shouldn't start fighting battles with each other. 

Quote from: learningtolive on October 15, 2013, 08:19:28 PM
Good post Lexi!  It's easy to get emotional, I have done so in the past, but we have to realize that most here are coming from a good place and mean no harm.  Most want to help even if the advice isn't what we want to hear.  On the same token, we should also do our best to be as careful as possible not to offend someone even if we mean well.  At the end of the day, this is a support site and we shouldn't start fighting battles with each other.

I agree, I've had to not post things a few times just because even though the post was helpful it came off as being mean no matter how I tried to word it.

OMG! Tell me about it!

I generally like to reach out and help when I can, but some people just have trust or self esteem issues. They react the only way they know how to react in times of distress. It's hard but often they aren't being malicious, it's just all they know and during very emotional times, it wins out over reasoning.

But I've found if you are patient and understanding, and they are just sincere, they will eventually come around  :)

Wizard's Second rule .... even a good deed can do harm.

It takes a while to fully understand that comment. The thing is, when offering anything, even something seemingly incapable of doing harm, it still can, it isn't impossible.

And sometimes something that was not meant to be harmful, we need to be prepared to accept that. If they state, they didn't mean to hurt, you have to be willing to accept it.

My mother told me my new top simply doesn't look good on me. She'd have done me no good to lie eh. Oh Lesley I love your new top. If it doesn't look good, and you say it does, you are only sending me out in a top that I will look bad in.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on October 16, 2013, 01:23:34 PM
Wizard's Second rule .... even a good deed can do harm.

It takes a while to fully understand that comment. The thing is, when offering anything, even something seemingly incapable of doing harm, it still can, it isn't impossible.

And sometimes something that was not meant to be harmful, we need to be prepared to accept that. If they state, they didn't mean to hurt, you have to be willing to accept it.

My mother told me my new top simply doesn't look good on me. She'd have done me no good to lie eh. Oh Lesley I love your new top. If it doesn't look good, and you say it does, you are only sending me out in a top that I will look bad in.

A couple of months ago, when my parents were trying to change me with church, I went to a Sunday mass. The homily was about Truth, how truth causes strife and division, but how strive and division are required for us to grow. (Can you see why Church didn't fix me?)

A lot of us experience this sort of truth and it can be difficult to deal with. Most of us deal out this sort of truth, and it's almost always difficult.

Truth, though, can be easier to handle if it comes with empathy. Some of us have a hard time with that ... especially if we started male and are just learning about our emotions (Tarah raises her hand on this one). The hardest part is not getting into a fight over it - most of what people say are not meant to be mean, but it can turn mean if responded to in that way. I know I've had this problem with my parents, my wife, and others. We say insensitive things because I don't know what's going on in their heads and they really don't understand mine.

IMO, the best way to handle it is to make your issue understood with "I feel" phrases.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on October 16, 2013, 01:23:34 PM

My mother told me my new top simply doesn't look good on me. She'd have done me no good to lie eh. Oh Lesley I love your new top. If it doesn't look good, and you say it does, you are only sending me out in a top that I will look bad in.

There is a lot of TRUTH in that.  :)