Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello Everyone !

I decided to start this tread because I couldn't find any on the forum which really fitted to my need..
But if you know a discussion already existing that fits, please just tell me !

So basically, I would like to ask you which Keys questions did you asked yourself to confirm your doubts about your gender identity?
Maybe also, questions that your friends or therapist asked you !

I just just started to go in a sort of therapie, in a social center for queer.
The people there are amaizing, but the person to whom I speak to isn't a proper Psy.
He does have a lot of experience, being trans guy himself, but I was wondering if you could just trow me some more Key Questions?
(Questions or even tests or games or what so ever helped you analyse yourself.)

Thank you !!  :)

Quote from: Inazuma on October 17, 2013, 07:09:57 PM
So basically, I would like to ask you which Keys questions did you asked yourself to confirm your doubts about your gender identity?

I asked how I would feel if I would never be able to act male, feel male, hang with males, and live as a male again.

The answer was that it would be really strange, but I could deal with it.

Then I asked how I would feel if I would never be able to act female, feel female, hang with females, or live as a female.

The answer was that I would feel like a part of me had been cut off.

It was then I knew that, at the core, I was a woman.

Thank you for your answer, that's quite a nice one.

Some that I worked through

"If given the opportunity, would I prefer to of been born female?" - Obviously!!

"If given a button that would allow you to instantly become female, without any of the pain of transitioning and no one could tell the difference, would you press it?" - If that was possible I'd do it in a heartbeat, so why not at least try

One that I asked a friend to help her understand was "Do you ever think about/imagine/wish" you were born the opposite sex?" - The answer is generally no from cis people, and yes from trans - even if its not at the front of your mind, or that frequent the thoughts are still there.

Gimme that button.  ;D

Lay back.  Close your eyes.  Imagine yourself female, waking up and about go about your day.  Imagine what your sleeping in, imagine the whole experience footstep by footstep...breakfast,  going to the bathroom, getting ready, meeting friends... perhaps shopping, enjoying the weekend.  Do this for a good half an hour in as much detail as you can.  Are you smiling just thinking about it?

Now do the same male.

That experience should tell you a great deal.

One excellent question I read was... if you washed up on a deserted island with no hope of rescue- Ever- and a lifetimes supply of hormones would you take them.   How would you dress?





.

These may not be questions you will get asked. But when I first found myself, these are the questions which needed to be answered, for me:

Question: "Who are you?"
Answer: "Someone different to the way I look to the world."

Question: "How do you feel knowing that?"
Answer: "It hurts. A lot."

Question: "What hurts?"
Answer: "Feeling a body which isn't right. Parts which aren't there which should be. Parts which are there which shouldn't be. Which revulse me. Feeling like you're trapped inside a costume and can't find the zipper to release yourself."

Question: "What would make the hurting stop?"
Answer: "Being the person I see in my mind's eye, who inhabits my dreams and every waking moment."

Question: "So who are you?"
Answer: "A voice without a mouth. A dream without a dreamer."

Question: "Can you stay like this?"
Answer: "Not anymore."

Quote from: Emmaline on October 18, 2013, 08:17:52 AM

One excellent question I read was... if you washed up on a deserted island with no hope of rescue- Ever- and a lifetimes supply of hormones would you take them.   How would you dress?
.

I've seen that one before as well.  Anwers would be "Yes" and "Butt naked unless it got cold, well maybe a fig leaf to hide the one eyed monster!"

how many times have you wished or prayed that you'd wake up as the opposite sex? (more than once)
how would you feel about suddenly waking up as the opposite sex? (exhilarated)
how long do you think you would want to stay as the opposite sex, if given a magic pill? (for a very long time)

or the one that made most impact on me:
how would you feel about being trapped in either (binary) gender for the rest of your life, without ever getting an opportunity to change?
the thought terrified me. i'm obviously some sort of androgyne.

Do I think as a girl or do I think as a guy who wants to be a girl?
Given the choice, would I choose a permanent male or female body?
How would I feel if I could never present as a man again?
How would I feel if I could never present as a woman again?
Do I love being a man or do I love being a woman?
Who am I.......???

By the way, I love Emmaline's answer. I'm already looking forward to doing that this evening. Thank you Emmaline!!
Ciara

Quote from: Emmaline on October 18, 2013, 08:17:52 AM
Gimme that button.  ;D

Lay back.  Close your eyes.  Imagine yourself female, waking up and about go about your day.  Imagine what your sleeping in, imagine the whole experience footstep by footstep...breakfast,  going to the bathroom, getting ready, meeting friends... perhaps shopping, enjoying the weekend.  Do this for a good half an hour in as much detail as you can.  Are you smiling just thinking about it?

Now do the same male.

That experience should tell you a great deal.




One excellent question I read was... if you washed up on a deserted island with no hope of rescue- Ever- and a lifetimes supply of hormones would you take them.   How would you dress?

Great thought Emmaline... I think those thought throughout the day at moments but if I did it the way you describe I would end up Extremely distraught.

Inazuma,
Too answer your question..not a day has gone by in my life I have not just known. Sadly, its with me all the time. I knew as a young child and I know now but here are a few questions I will answer.
When did I first notice something was not right with my gender... Answer 1st grade for sure and from then on.
Could it be just a fetish thing..just a turn on to girls clothes..Answer no. I started cross dressing before puberty.
Could it be just a fantasy I had as a little boy that I should be able to get over.  Answer,, don't I wish..I am tired of the pain and anguish..it sucks. I have tried.
And here is a sad one I will answer honestly: If you could push the magic button and wake up as a girl would you give up all your current loved ones just to be who you are.. answer .. yes and I am ashamed to say yes but its true.





.

Quote from: Taka on October 18, 2013, 09:22:47 AM
or the one that made most impact on me:
how would you feel about being trapped in either (binary) gender for the rest of your life, without ever getting an opportunity to change?
the thought terrified me. i'm obviously some sort of androgyne.

Yep, this.

"If, in social settings, I was only allowed to be in a group of same-gender people, which would I feel comfortable with?"

Men? Definitely not. Women? More bearable because I know what to expect and how to handle them, but not that one either.

"Which normatively defined gender role am I more comfortable embodying, even on an occasional basis?"

Neither.

"How do I approach sex?"

As a masochist, plaything, and a creep. I do not lean M or F in the bedroom.

"What toys did I play with most as a child?"

Legos, K'nex, educational toys. Animal-shaped action figures.

"What body parts do I prefer to flaunt if I had to choose?"

Face, hands, butt.

"What relationship do I have to my genitals? If they could be something else, what?"

I didn't know I had a vagina until I was a teenager. Like really knew. After puberty it was just a body part that hemorrhaged sometimes, and before that, it was always a surprise to look down and see anything. For me right now, having a vagina and functioning reproductive system feels like a medical "condition" for which there is no adequate cure more than anything else. Having a penis is completely out of the question for me. I plan on having a hysterectomy and am beginning to wish that a surgery existed to close up the vagina altogether but keep the clitoris intact. (Partial FtM SRS?) Even then, I'm not sure I'd do it. I can't imagine it would be cheap or easy.

"How do I feel about hormones?"

I wish a sex hormone existed that had no noticeable effect on the mind the way that E or T does. I would take T, but all the changes that I want would require that I took it indefinitely, and all the side effects I don't want are the permanent ones. I currently take birth control for a medical condition, endometriosis, and I've made peace with it by thinking of it in those terms. The mood changes that came with it dialed way down after the first few months, but I think of them as side effects necessary to keep my body from damaging itself and putting me in horrendous pain.

I knew for sure I had to transition when my therapist asked me, "If there was nothing whatosever preventing you from tranistioning, wouldn't you just want to be Jill 24/7?"  I was already on a low dose of E at the time and in fact, there was nothing whatsoever preventing me from trasitioning.  It turned out that I only presented myself as male when I thought I had to meet someone else's expectations, and I wasn't out to everyone at the time.  I went full time a few weeks later after the laser and E started to work their magic, came out to everyone basically all at once and then purged my MALE wardrobe.  I never looked back. 

Quote from: Lo on October 18, 2013, 01:37:07 PM
"What toys did I play with most as a child?"

Legos, K'nex, educational toys. Animal-shaped action figures.

Careful with this... those of us (MTF) in hiding often only played with boy toys. Though I had a sister so My Little Ponies and other animal toys were also popular.

For me... I didn't ask myself questions. I have 150+ pages written in a 5x8" moleskine diary over the 10 weeks and some days since I came out to myself. I've visualized my history and recovered a lot of hidden memories... memories that leave it 100% clear in my mind that I've never been anything but transgender. What I can remember clearly ranges from age 8-10 (earliest) to only a month or so before I came out (I make beer and tried supplementing with hops - very high in phytoestrogens - for about a week before I freaked out and stopped).

Becoming certain took me a few weeks, but I'm absolutely as certain as I can be pre-HRT. The clues are probably in your past - especially if you were in hiding (I don't know how old you are). I REALLY REALLY wish I could remember more... since I had some girl friends in the neighborhood in pre-school and kindergarden... and I want to know how I played with them.

Probably the most important question I ever asked myself was this: Do I identify with my assigned gender because I enjoy living as my assigned gender, or do I identify with my assigned gender because I think I HAVE to be my assigned gender?

Quote from: kabit on October 18, 2013, 02:22:53 PM
Careful with this... those of us (MTF) in hiding often only played with boy toys. Though I had a sister so My Little Ponies and other animal toys were also popular.

I played with whatever I could get my grubby hands on, and I was lucky in that I usually got whatever kinds of toys that I asked for Xmas and the like.

But there was definitely a very strong sense of affinity for non-human toys because they weren't obviously gendered. Animals always had a genderlessness to me that I identified very strongly with and it was much easier to be who I wanted to be (ie neither girl nor boy) if I was playing with, say, a Jurassic Park dinosaur or Beanie Baby than a GI Joe or Barbie. I could "get into it" more. Some of my friends thought I was weird because I was always wanting to be animal and monster characters.

So it was a question and answer that was meaningful to me, not necessarily anyone else.

I had to work through aesthetic issues, in particular.  I've always imagined my body as an aesthetically pleasing female body.  I've longed for curves, proportions, etc, while at the same time I've yearned to socialize as a woman and take part in the community of women.

So, for me, when I was trying to be *certain* the question that sealed the deal was:
Q: If you could live as a woman, but an unattractive woman who had to live the rest of her life without a romantic partner because of some kind of taboo or stigma, would you do it?
A:  Yes, it is worth it to me to present as a woman, no matter what.

That's when I started accepting myself and coming out to my friends, and eventually booked my first gender therapy appointment.

What I was asked when i was doubtign myself:
"How do you really want to live your life? What do you want from life? Can you get that from masquerading yourself as a man, or do you want to bring your female self onto the outside? What makes you happy?"

Quote from: Lo on October 18, 2013, 02:45:54 PM
I played with whatever I could get my grubby hands on, and I was lucky in that I usually got whatever kinds of toys that I asked for Xmas and the like.

But there was definitely a very strong sense of affinity for non-human toys because they weren't obviously gendered. Animals always had a genderlessness to me that I identified very strongly with and it was much easier to be who I wanted to be (ie neither girl nor boy) if I was playing with, say, a Jurassic Park dinosaur or Beanie Baby than a GI Joe or Barbie. I could "get into it" more. Some of my friends thought I was weird because I was always wanting to be animal and monster characters.

So it was a question and answer that was meaningful to me, not necessarily anyone else.

I understand. To be fair, my favorite toys were pots and pans (and I like to cook... hmmm)

Quote from: robinmack on October 18, 2013, 03:05:37 PM
I had to work through aesthetic issues, in particular.  I've always imagined my body as an aesthetically pleasing female body.  I've longed for curves, proportions, etc, while at the same time I've yearned to socialize as a woman and take part in the community of women.

So, for me, when I was trying to be *certain* the question that sealed the deal was:
Q: If you could live as a woman, but an unattractive woman who had to live the rest of her life without a romantic partner because of some kind of taboo or stigma, would you do it?
A:  Yes, it is worth it to me to present as a woman, no matter what.

That's when I started accepting myself and coming out to my friends, and eventually booked my first gender therapy appointment.

I think your question is always relevant. It wasn't a big breakthrough to me, but I think it was a part of the reason I was closeted for a long time. At a certain point, a certain maturity... it didn't matter what others thought of me.

All the questions already posted on here are amazing and I also used many of those questions when trying to understand myself better.

A social question I found to be enlightening for me was: (Well more of a hypothetical situation, then a question)
--There are two different new groups you are introduced to, one is several males your age, and the other group if several females your age. You seem to be getting along with both groups extremely well and have found you have many things in common with each group for different reasons of course. Both groups start to exclude you due to your apparent gender which doesn't match your true gender, but your acquaintances don't know that. Let's use the female group, they tell you that you don't understand what it's like to be a girl and you will never understand because you're a male and so on. What's your reaction to that? Do you say, "Whatever, I wouldn't want to understand anyways", or something more along being hurt or offended by these sort of comments. I found myself to be offended when females would exclude me because of my apparent gender, because although my body didn't match theirs, my brain does and always has. Not sure if that scenario was clear or not, but I hope it helps some.

<3 Emma

Quote from: EmmaS on October 18, 2013, 04:01:15 PM
All the questions already posted on here are amazing and I also used many of those questions when trying to understand myself better.

A social question I found to be enlightening for me was: (Well more of a hypothetical situation, then a question)
--There are two different new groups you are introduced to, one is several males your age, and the other group if several females your age. You seem to be getting along with both groups extremely well and have found you have many things in common with each group for different reasons of course. Both groups start to exclude you due to your apparent gender which doesn't match your true gender, but your acquaintances don't know that. Let's use the female group, they tell you that you don't understand what it's like to be a girl and you will never understand because you're a male and so on. What's your reaction to that? Do you say, "Whatever, I wouldn't want to understand anyways", or something more along being hurt or offended by these sort of comments. I found myself to be offended when females would exclude me because of my apparent gender, because although my body didn't match theirs, my brain does and always has. Not sure if that scenario was clear or not, but I hope it helps some.

<3 Emma

I had this scenario play out enough times that it didn't need to be hypothetical. :-\

For me I kept hoping to come back as a female in my next life. I finally asked myself "What if there's no next life?"

Quote from: ErinM on October 18, 2013, 04:14:31 PM
I had this scenario play out enough times that it didn't need to be hypothetical. :-\

For me I kept hoping to come back as a female in my next life. I finally asked myself "What if there's no next life?"

But at least you know what your true gender is then, if you keep hoping to wake up as a certain gender in the "next life", why not just make it happen this life? Just in case there isn't a "next life", which there may or may not be, I'd rather just do everything in this life to make sure I'm happy and that I'm there for those who are there for me as well.

Quote from: EmmaS on October 18, 2013, 04:01:15 PM
All the questions already posted on here are amazing and I also used many of those questions when trying to understand myself better.

A social question I found to be enlightening for me was: (Well more of a hypothetical situation, then a question)
--There are two different new groups you are introduced to, one is several males your age, and the other group if several females your age. You seem to be getting along with both groups extremely well and have found you have many things in common with each group for different reasons of course. Both groups start to exclude you due to your apparent gender which doesn't match your true gender, but your acquaintances don't know that. Let's use the female group, they tell you that you don't understand what it's like to be a girl and you will never understand because you're a male and so on. What's your reaction to that? Do you say, "Whatever, I wouldn't want to understand anyways", or something more along being hurt or offended by these sort of comments. I found myself to be offended when females would exclude me because of my apparent gender, because although my body didn't match theirs, my brain does and always has. Not sure if that scenario was clear or not, but I hope it helps some.

<3 Emma

Emma ditto to that...

Quote from: EmmaS on October 18, 2013, 04:18:34 PM
But at least you know what your true gender is then, if you keep hoping to wake up as a certain gender in the "next life", why not just make it happen this life? Just in case there isn't a "next life", which there may or may not be, I'd rather just do everything in this life to make sure I'm happy and that I'm there for those who are there for me as well.

That's exactly what I was implying.  :)

Quote from: EmmaS on October 18, 2013, 04:01:15 PM
All the questions already posted on here are amazing and I also used many of those questions when trying to understand myself better.

A social question I found to be enlightening for me was: (Well more of a hypothetical situation, then a question)
--There are two different new groups you are introduced to, one is several males your age, and the other group if several females your age. You seem to be getting along with both groups extremely well and have found you have many things in common with each group for different reasons of course. Both groups start to exclude you due to your apparent gender which doesn't match your true gender, but your acquaintances don't know that. Let's use the female group, they tell you that you don't understand what it's like to be a girl and you will never understand because you're a male and so on. What's your reaction to that? Do you say, "Whatever, I wouldn't want to understand anyways", or something more along being hurt or offended by these sort of comments. I found myself to be offended when females would exclude me because of my apparent gender, because although my body didn't match theirs, my brain does and always has. Not sure if that scenario was clear or not, but I hope it helps some.

<3 Emma

Emma, and all of you boys and girls that replyied to my post !!!  Thank you !!!!

Thank you to take time to share your experiences and knowledge !


I posted this tread yesterday, not hopping to get so much reaction...
But It came so fast !!!
Thank you all !!

I also today came out to a good friend of mine,... she was very understandfull.

very much !

She was amaizing !

All the questions that you girls where asking you, I do take it now really sceriously.
I thank you very much for your testimonial !
It does help me a lot !

'Merci !!!!!

;) ( i'm french-Canadian ) ... ( so sorry for spelling mistakes ... )

I am very amaized how this blog is so responsive, and how strong the comunity is holding together !

I love it !

Thank you girls and boys !
;)

Quote from: kabit on October 18, 2013, 02:22:53 PM
What I can remember clearly ranges from age 8-10 (earliest) to only a month or so before I came out (I make beer and tried supplementing with hops - very high in phytoestrogens - for about a week before I freaked out and stopped).

Becoming certain took me a few weeks, but I'm absolutely as certain as I can be pre-HRT. The clues are probably in your past - especially if you were in hiding (I don't know how old you are). I REALLY REALLY wish I could remember more... since I had some girl friends in the neighborhood in pre-school and kindergarden... and I want to know how I played with them.

I wish I can remember all of this also...

But just what you says... rings such a bell!!!
the thema of phyto estrogen...

I have been taking that since now more than a year...

OMG...

I think it's already a sign...   mensch Mayers !

Hey Girls !
.. I know it's just another thema...

But since I open this tread I tought I could just say it !!!
Today !!! for the first time !!! I was thinking about myself in a femenin adjetive!!
Like , Heureuse ! instead of Hereux (in french ) This was the first time it came spontaniously through my mind !
I felt so good about it ... since it came from myself... be weird also.... ... This is another topic!!!!
But Have you ever noticed a change toward your own gender spelling or description... through your transition ?
And if so, How was the transition ?

xxx

Inazuma  ( which means ... Lightning bolt ) ;)

I've really never had any other choice. I've always been a girl or woman inside since my first day in grammar school. I thought I was a little girl until the teacher told me I need move & sit on the side with the boys, "you are a boy".

It has never gone away at all & maybe just maybe I can improve & change my body so I can finally feel good about myself. It's been one long struggle with changing my physical "male" body into something nice & normal.

Francis

Quote from: Inazuma on October 18, 2013, 07:59:31 PM

I wish I can remember all of this also...

But just what you says... rings such a bell!!!
the thema of phyto estrogen...

I have been taking that since now more than a year...

OMG...

I think it's already a sign...   mensch Mayers !

I'm glad I can help :)

I just sent a message to a very, very old friend. We used to play in pre-school and kindergarden - she moved away then and it broke my heart. I just innocently asked her if she remembered anything from back then and claimed I was getting old and couldn't remember that far back.

Hopefully her memory is good ;) Probably not.

I asked one question of myself.

"What in the hell is wrong with me?"

My answer came back in less than a heartbeat, out of some dark corner of my mind.

"You're transgender."

Really, that was it. All the puzzle pieces fell into place in that second. I was also seriously worried for a while that it might be delusion, but after spending over a year trying to deny it, and another year working with a psychiatrist, I was able to conclude that it wasn't delusion.

(Responging to the original post, so sorry if this derails the discussion.)

The biggest question that I keep asking myself is this...

"If you were living in a vacuum, and you could do absolutely anything that you wanted, would you transition fully, change your name, refer to yourself with female pronouns, get SRS, and all of the other parts of transition that you're wanting?"

And for me, the answer is always yes. And this is what keeps reminding me that I really don't have doubts about transition, I just have doubts brought on by social fears.

If for some reason everything about changing your gender was made illegal and the penalty for doing it was life in a hard labor camp, could you continue to live as you are now knowing how you feel?

My answer is no every time. I feel strongly enough about this that I know I'd just give up the will to live if I have to continue living a false life.

if you got a chance to change your whole identity, including body (as far as modern science allows), and have every memory and record of your current self irrevocably deleted, so as to avoid anyone being hurt by the current you suddenly just disappearing... what would your new body and identity be? you get only one chance, so choose well.
you can also choose to be exactly the same as before (maybe skinnier or a couple inches different in height), and the record and memories will still be deleted so nobody will be able to make a connection to anything to do with your life before this point. it would be a new beginning no matter what you choose.
(i'd have my chest fixed at least, and hormones)

Quote from: Lo on October 18, 2013, 01:37:07 PM
"Which normatively defined gender role am I more comfortable embodying, even on an occasional basis?"

Neither.

"What relationship do I have to my genitals? If they could be something else, what?"

I didn't know I had a vagina until I was a teenager. Like really knew. After puberty it was just a body part that hemorrhaged sometimes, and before that, it was always a surprise to look down and see anything. For me right now, having a vagina and functioning reproductive system feels like a medical "condition" for which there is no adequate cure more than anything else. Having a penis is completely out of the question for me. I plan on having a hysterectomy and am beginning to wish that a surgery existed to close up the vagina altogether but keep the clitoris intact. (Partial FtM SRS?) Even then, I'm not sure I'd do it. I can't imagine it would be cheap or easy.

"How do I feel about hormones?"

I wish a sex hormone existed that had no noticeable effect on the mind the way that E or T does. I would take T, but all the changes that I want would require that I took it indefinitely, and all the side effects I don't want are the permanent ones. I currently take birth control for a medical condition, endometriosis, and I've made peace with it by thinking of it in those terms. The mood changes that came with it dialed way down after the first few months, but I think of them as side effects necessary to keep my body from damaging itself and putting me in horrendous pain.

those are some interesting questions/answers. i like reading what you feel like telling about yourself, it's a gender that i can't remember having experienced, even though some of the feelings about body or social situations seems somewhat similar.

my feelings about genitals:
what i have isn't really the shape i want it to be, but that's easily corrected with plastic surgery. what i lack is more apparent, and i really want that in addition to what i already have. i don't do sex, partly because i haven't found anyone i feel like i can trust enough, and partly because i don't know how to do it without having both parts to use. it's frustrated me before. gonads should be inside the body or not exist at all. (in my head, i really am hermaphroditic. and i like the thought of mutual rape with a tentacle monster)

my feelings about hormones:
are there any that will leave me with only sparse facial hair, no body hair, smaller hips, flat chest, deeper voice, no male pattern hair loss? t will probably give me that if my genes are right. but if they're wrong, there will be too much hair. or too little on top. i want primary sex characteristics of both, and secondary of neither, or in between.

I was asked the question "If you could switch genders with no ramifications and your family/friends wouldn't know any different...would you?"

That was a pretty simple answer when I was being honest with myself...yes...I have fantasized about it so many times happening to other people, and I've got transformation/gender swap experiences rooted in my childhood... but that was just a way for me to release some of my own personal frustrations I think.

Whats hardest now is knowing even if I do transition I'll always be seen by some as the gender I was born.

Why can't someone just invent a trans body swap machine? It would make everyones lives here so much easier :(

If the reason your asking questions is you are having trouble making sure your trans, try going back through your life and note down all the tramatic experiences or strong memories.  Do this without looking for specifics... just get them down on paper.  Dont force it-  just get them down no matter how irrelevant.

Now go back over them and look for possible gender connections.  Chances are some things that disturbed you may have a gender trigger.

For example- now I look back I see things like...

I absolutely hated getting my hair cut as a kid- we are talking kicking and screaming in panic.
My fave books all have female protagonists.
I hated cars and sport.  I loved masters of the universe figures (colorful dolls with accessories basically)
I disfigured my sisters dolls by popping off their heads and sticking googly woogly fingerpuppets on their neck joints after being told off for playing with them.

My highschool art project was a two foot tall naked faerie bursting out of a twisted male face like an egg.
My fave toys where princess leia, teela and evil lynn.

I dated only bi girls or seduced openly lesbian girls with some success- confusingly for all .    I was attracted to short hair.
  I was fascinated by lesbian fiction, film and tv.  I remember Go Fish coming on tv when i was young and I watched the whole thing stunned.  I was totally in love with Geniveve Turner.

How did I not know?


I could go on and on... that exercise was extremely good for me.

A few questions I have asked myself over time were.

Who is that person looking back at me from the other side of the mirror?
Why do I enjoy wearing dresses and skirts so much?
Why do I feel so uncomfortable within myself?

Quote from: Taka on October 19, 2013, 06:14:25 AM
i want primary sex characteristics of both, and secondary of neither, or in between.

That's actually about what my ideal body is, though it does sway a bit more to male in build. Preferably the only sex characteristics capable of reproduction would be the male ones.

I've taken to asking myself what, if I could redesign my entire life from scratch, what it would be like, particularly with how my body would look. Creating something of a fantasy life from this, I've come to realize a lot more about myself, aside from just gender.

One of the most important questions I asked myself (an AWFULLY long time ago!) was "If you were going to live the rest of your life on a deserted island and never see another human being, would you still want to go through the expense, pain, and risk of SRS?" The answer for me was an emphatic YES because it was about me fitting with ME and nothing else.

(I was the first TS seen by a hospital developing a gender clinic and they liked that question so much they adopted it in their program - that was 1974!)

I never really asked myself these types of questions. I just could never figure out why my body didn't look like the rest of the guys. Why  could no one else see me and only saw this other thing? Why was everything fine when I first woke up but seconds later when fully awake and aware that no one could see me, life wasn't worth living any more? How can the whole world be so blind?


So I'm not got the same doubts as some others. I always knew who I was, I just didn't get why others didn't know.

I hate to admit it, but the first question I asked myself wasn't a question. It was, I took an anthropology class and they discussed trans issues and I said to myself, "Oh wow! I'm transgender! That explains EVERYTHING about how I feel!"


The first question I asked myself was "...get real. Are you really transgender? Maybe you're making that up. It's all in your head."

Then I imedately thought, "...You know... if you have to ask..."

And really that was enough to confirm it. It's really the only thing that has ever made a lot of my anxiety in social situations and my discomfort with gender rolls and everything else that has ever made sense to me.

I had that... the moment I read about it it was like 'oh that explains everything'.

Quote from: Joules on October 19, 2013, 06:11:57 PM
A lot of good answers here, many I used myself.

One of the things i did was to Google for favorite male activities and same thing for female.

I found a few lists, one of them that grabbed my attention was the number one male bonding activity:  Watching sports with the guys.  I hate it.

I also Googled top fantasies for both genders.  Not much clicked for male fantasies, but to be fair, not so many of the female fantasies had appeal either.

The thing that clinched it for me tho is that ALL my favorite sexual fantasies involved me as a female.  I always thought this is just what guys do.  Umm, err, my therapist told me quite plainly that it's definitely not a typical male fantasy.

I love that last line... you mean I wasn't supposed to be imagining that w/ my wife for 10 years??

And your other ones are fun too... very interesting. I seem to match the top women's fantasies pretty well - but the top mens ones are similar anyway (though more visual / active oriented - which I am not).

I've tried some of the top male hobbies (http://www.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment/142_top_10_list.html)... but only stuck with homebrewing (and not even that right now - can't drink beer on this diet). Coaching & fantasy sports are the only ones that don't interest me at all. I've always been into geeky stuff, though... which is male oriented. I can't find a list of popular women's hobbies... but I'm way more into those stereotypical things: cooking, macrame (I tried crochet recently too... fun, just time consuming), cake decorating, photography, music, reading, ballroom dancing (an old one from college), tai chi, calligraphy, writing...

Hobbies, though... everything I understand about gender says it doesn't matter, it's a social thing not a gender thing. I do have lots of common feminine interests (some of them masculinized) and my stereotypically masculine activities were always geeky. I guess I'm just a geek girl at heart :D

Quote from: Emmaline on October 20, 2013, 04:32:15 AM
I had that... the moment I read about it it was like 'oh that explains everything'.

Me too. I was in a library had the courage to pull a book on it and when I read it I started crying...I was thirty been married for a while with two little kids.
First time I thought about transitioning and here I am at 54 with same issue trying to cope.

"The thing that clinched it for me tho is that ALL my favorite sexual fantasies involved me as a female.  I always thought this is just what guys do.  Umm, err, my therapist told me quite plainly that it's definitely not a typical male fantasy."

Quote above.. me too.. never once have I fantasized about being the guy.. always the girl since the first you know what happened when I was a kid.
I should bring that up with my therapist.. I never admitted that one..
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 20, 2013, 04:38:37 PM
Me too. I was in a library had the courage to pull a book on it and when I read it I started crying...I was thirty been married for a while with two little kids.
First time I thought about transitioning and here I am at 54 with same issue trying to cope.

"The thing that clinched it for me tho is that ALL my favorite sexual fantasies involved me as a female.  I always thought this is just what guys do.  Umm, err, my therapist told me quite plainly that it's definitely not a typical male fantasy."

Quote above.. me too.. never once have I fantasized about being the guy.. always the girl since the first you know what happened when I was a kid.
I should bring that up with my therapist.. I never admitted that one..
Carrie

Knowing what you have and doing something about it are entirely different animals! I knew in high school... but it took me 20 more years.

People often ask 'so how long have you felt you were a woman?'.

It's a cliche question. It's also predictable.

The important thing to remember, is, not how long have I felt I was a woman, but, how do you know you were ever a man?

I led a life 'assuming' I was a guy. The thing is, how was I even to know if I ever was one?

You are who you are, and you always were who you are. You were never someone else.

So in essence, I have only realized I was a woman for a short while only because I was unaware my perception of what a man is was flawed.

I used to think I had two people in my head, until I realized, there was only me in there. The guy I thought had been there, was always me, I had just not realized all of me was female. I had merely thought some parts of me weren't female. But in truth, I have never actually known what it is to be a man.

that's a good point, lesley.
how was i supposed to know that i wasn't really a woman, when my whole perception of what makes a woman was so flawed.
(and even worse when i can't match what i'm fairly sure is an accurate perception of what makes a man.)
i really was hoping for the longest time that i would find concrete evidence that i'm just a manly woman. that's what i seem like, but. the reason why i appear as one is not that i'm woman and manly.

Nicely put.

QuoteThe important thing to remember, is, not how long have I felt I was a woman, but, how do you know you were ever a man?

I agree with that!

And I'll venture further and ask "how does anyone know that they are a man or a woman as no one can say absolutely 100% exactly WHAT feeling like a man is, and what feeling like a woman is" So how can anyone know their correct gender or what their target gender is the right one, if they didn't know what their assigned gender was right or wrong?

I am not being picky or invalidating anyone's identity or their replies on this thread at all, by the way, just incase the wording comes across as that. I'm very much not picking holes as everyone is their own best judge of who they are and who they need to be. 

I am however approaching this thread as someone who doesn't feel a close affiliation with either male or female, just fragments of each and an overiding confusion. That's why I consider myself eiter gender-fluid or androgyne. Hence why I'm asking "how do you ever know what you are, and how do you know that what you're feeling IS what your gender is supposed to feel?"

The questions related to who I'd rather hang out with just leave me perplexed. I'd simply rather hang around with the girls and guys I liked is my answer. Why would I want to segregate myself socially to only one gender group?

It does worry me that there's still this intense need to stick to binary affiliations, situations and social groups. It worries me as I don't understand the feeling of needing to belong to either gender group. I don't understand the overwhelming wish to be affiliated with specific gender bathrooms, specific gender friends and specific gender activities. I just wish to be able to seen as I am, I don't see why any other social constructs has anything to do with how I feel.

If I couldn't hang around with guys anymore I'd hate it as I have lots of things in common with guys. And If I couldn't hang around women anymore I'd also hate it as I have lots in common with women too. I think that the segregations of the genders are part of the massive problem with society, perhaps one of societies biggest problems.
I don't think its wise to immerse yourself 100% into any one of the genders, as you miss out on a hell of alot of insight and experience from the other gender.

Lots of relationships seem to fail because the girl sees things one way and the man sees it the other, and their friends of the same gender also reinforce the same polarised views. Thus, there's all this women are from Venus, Men are from Mars crap. And once again, the whole divide of men and women which helps cause GID and loads of other social issues continues.

If i ever did transition to female, I wouldn't stop having guy friends or doing guy things. I know I'm different to them even if I feel comfortable in those situations.

So asking myself questions about what restroom I'd rather use or whether I'd like to shop with the girls or have a beer with guys is totally and utterly arbitary to the actual situation and identity issue.

Stella,
    I couldn't agree with you more, good comments!

I don't completely understand the middle ground, myself. It totally makes sense in terms of the gender spectrum (ahh... the Fourier Transform of my gender psyche). I don't see how it fits, exactly. I mean - we're all fighting for that middle ground Stella's talking about. Nobody (I think??) wants to give up all male friendship in favor of female relationships. We talk like that because we have so much more in common with female conversation and often feel excluded from it. ... The number of times I felt excluded from baby showers and the like... female parties, etc.; and how many times I turned down a bachelor party or didn't really have a lot of fun doing it. Only my brother's was fun - I planned it and he was only interested in getting some beer (lots of beer) and food in Boston.

Anyway... yes, I have male friends I like and would like to keep (my brother for one... I don't have a lot of friends in general). I also see lots of women who interact in a friendly way with men... I don't see anything wrong with that - it's the only way I can have a halfway decent conversation at work or cub scouts (unless they're really seeing my true gender!)

So... I don't really see the difference between Stella's post on androgeny and what I want as a feminist... the only difference is how much of it we want (I'm still never going to like Fantasy Sports).

I had initially felt back in 1996 that I wanted to fully transition MtF, damn the torpedoes full speed ahead, pull out all the stops! I took it at a slow but steady pace but fourteen years and an orchiectomy into it suddenly had some reservations. I de-transitioned for two years, which I don't advise anyone to do because it's tough on one's health and everyone around them. After a lot of introspection I concluded that I needed to get back on the bandwagon but temper it because I really wanted to be able to walk on either side of the gender fence successfully at will and take on a non-binary presentation as an androgynous person. I have discovered that those who really and truly care for me are able to accept me for whichever side of my persona they prefer to acknowledge, because oddly that's how others continue to view us through their eyes. Some still see me as my male self and that's all they are able to accept, others see me as a sort of masculine female and accept that over fully male and that is fine with me. Those who were "friends" who accept neither just disappear which is also fine with me, because they revealed themselves as having only been on for the ride all along anyway and are shallow people.

Quote from: "I'm Stella Stanhope, and that's why I drink". on October 22, 2013, 05:27:03 PM
I agree with that!

And I'll venture further and ask "how does anyone know that they are a man or a woman as no one can say absolutely 100% exactly WHAT feeling like a man is, and what feeling like a woman is" So how can anyone know their correct gender or what their target gender is the right one, if they didn't know what their assigned gender was right or wrong?

The only way I can describe what it feels like to be totally aligned is like (well, for me, at least), swallowing a pill. I have the pill in my mouth, the water or whatever, and then I usually have to wait a few seconds for something to "click", otherwise I'm going to sputter and the pill is going to get stuck and take what seems like the rest of the day to make it all the way down. If I do it wrong, there's the uncomfortable feeling of something foreign stuck at the bottom of my throat. If I do it right, wait for that moment where my throat is relaxed, the water and pill are in a good position, then it goes down like nothing. But that feeling is one of "correctness", in a way. That's what I think it can feel like.

And I'm not even on the "spectrum"! This is why I feel like I'm partly neutrois, though, as I am faintly oriented in some meaningful way rather than just floating in the genderlessness of space.

This is a great thread with some very thought provoking ideas being shared. Thank you! I'm on my second official attempt at questioning gender. My main word of advice is to avoid gender stereo types at all costs and focus on the feelings. Relax and do only as you feel. What feels good and what doesn't. Open your mind for both your birth gender and your desired gender to move past the stereo types. Explore the world from a neutral mind. Take baby steps, explore, and enjoy the experience.

Quote from: Emmaline on October 19, 2013, 07:25:39 AM
If the reason your asking questions is you are having trouble making sure your trans, try going back through your life and note down all the tramatic experiences or strong memories.  Do this without looking for specifics... just get them down on paper.  Dont force it-  just get them down no matter how irrelevant.

Now go back over them and look for possible gender connections.  Chances are some things that disturbed you may have a gender trigger.

That reminds me of the time that I threw a fit in 3rd grade because all the girls had to cut out yellow skirts for the paper selves and all the boys had to cut out blue pants and I wasn't allowed to cut out blue pants because I was a girl and there wouldn't be enough blue paper for all the girls. So I threw a huge fit and eventually after another teacher calmed me down they let me at least make yellow pants. I have had a vendetta against yellow ever since.


Also on the whole reading about transgender stuff. I never even thought I could be transgender until I saw a video of someone explaining how they knew they were transgender. I thought no I can't be, that's not me, I didn't always know since I was little. But as soon as I saw that video my jaw just dropped and I was like oh that makes sense. Then I fiercely denied and I've been slowly starting to accept it. I'm still doubting myself honestly, but I can't see myself going back to the way things were before either.

One question I had to ask myself before going FT was how would I cope with walking into life and people laughing at me. Or would I be better hidden and safe from ridicule?

I decided quite quickly that I didn't care if people laughed at me, ridiculed me or insulted me. I was happier being me than being hidden.

So I went FT.

No one laughed, they applauded.
No one ridiculed, they talked to me and wanted to know me
No one insulted me, they offered me their love and friendship.

And all the doubts went away.

Would I have been satisfied having died an old man? Definitely not!

Quote from: Emmaline on October 18, 2013, 08:17:52 AM
Gimme that button.  ;D

Lay back.  Close your eyes.  Imagine yourself female, waking up and about go about your day.  Imagine what your sleeping in, imagine the whole experience footstep by footstep...breakfast,  going to the bathroom, getting ready, meeting friends... perhaps shopping, enjoying the weekend.  Do this for a good half an hour in as much detail as you can.  Are you smiling just thinking about it?

OMG Emmaline, I just did your suggestion and OMG, I could think of a hundred reasons why I could be a lady and then felt grossed out why I don't like being male. OMG. Looks like I have a huge topic to talk with my councilor. Wow thank you....