Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok, so I am kind of stuck. I really do want to transition, but my parents will not let me see a doctor. For the time being, I told them that I do not want to transition anymore, which I'm not sure if that's a good/bad thing (although I think they still suspect it because they sometimes ask now and then). I also cannot go by myself because I do not have the money to do so and I have no access to transport that will take me to a therapist. I am planning on transitioning after I leave home and go to college with transitioning insurance (I heard some have that) and funds from my parents (I am planning on not telling them because then they would not send me money at all...but I kind of feel bad about that).
However, for the time being, I find it hard to cope with my feelings. I find it hard to concentrate on homework, and I still pace around my room and daydream. Sometimes, I just sit for hours in bed thinking about it. How do you think I should cope with this for the time being?
Also, as a side note (because I think it's partially related)...my pastor at my church knows that I want to transition, but he thinks that I am not mature enough to make such a big decision. Also, he says I am not (and probably will not) be financially/emotionally prepared. He says that I need to have grounded proof (preferably from the Bible, because...he's a pastor; what else do you expect? -_-) for transitioning, not just "some feeling" that I have (although I think he just thinks this because when he tried to ask me why I wanted to transition, it was hard for me to say in words the reason). I understand that he says this because he is worried about me, but still...
Anyway, what do you all think I should do for now?

Plotting to syphon money away from your parents is probably a bad idea. I had to sort of wait until I was financially stable and on my own. If you're parents are asking though, you should probably just be honest with them. I mean, there is probably the answer they want to hear and the answer that is the truth which they someday expect to hear. You've already opened the door with them, so why shy away from it now?

Well...let's just say that when I did open the door, it did not go well at all...mainly b/c it wasn't really me opening up to them but my mom somehow finding this out (search history -_-) and yelling at me, saying that I'm going the "wrong path", and they were pretty arrogant about their opinion and really didn't listen to me at all...so I decided to close the door for the time being. But I guess you are right that my idea is not really great. I guess I should open the door again...just not now. Maybe when I leave high school and go to college.
Putting that aside, however, does anyone have any good ideas for coping with this? I've tried distracting myself and doing other things, which work...well, sort of. Any ideas are appreciated.
If others can help me with the "justify you transitioning using the bible" thing I mentioned, that would be nice, but not necessary...

The only thing i could recommend would be that the next time the say, you need more than just a feeling, tell tgem its the same reason that they believe the bivle. Its a belief, thats why its called faith since their is no major bases that proves one faith over another.

Even the bible says you shall know him by their fruits, well christianity doesnt exactly have the cleanest track record. But despite that verse from their own scripture, they still believe it. Because they feel it inside. Just as you do.

Dont know if it helps but good luck.

If you plan on transitioning at some point I would say busy yourself with what you can do now (I assume you're MtF): practice your voice, figure out your style and maybe digitally put outfits together, or even go and buy outfits (if you can hide them), figure out how you want to proceed with transition when you do start (e.g. surgeries? time tables? etc.), research therapists around your area or around the area you're planning on going to college, etc. Basically, do what you can right now to get the ball rolling and get some things planned out so that when you do finally start the process you'll already be a little ways along.

Also, maybe ask your parents if you can see a therapist (say you have depression or something that you'd like to discuss with a therapist). If you can choose the therapist then choose one with experience with gender issues, otherwise, tell whichever therapist you end up at that you'd like to be referred to a therapist who specializes in gender and to not make it apparent to your parents (patient privacy should warrant this).

Whatever you can do in the meantime to get the ball rolling would be good. You'll be making progress while not necessarily needing to come out yet.

Gadgett - I guess that response works, and I could try it. The only reasons that it would backfire, though, is that he researches on his topics for sermons and stuff, so he probably comes across things to backfire the response. That might just be me, though *shrug*
SarahR - One question - how DO you put outfits on virtually? I would really like to know XD. I don't think I can do the therapist thing, even if I said I had depression or something. My parents think that they're just going to say "Yes, yes, go transition" for the money, and they think that they are better at counseling than them. My father even justifies it with the fact that he took a psychology course in university (but apparently, everyone does, and they don't talk about gender dysphoria in the course anyway). I really wish they would pretend that they are the know-it-alls and that they know me better than myself...because they don't -_-
And I am working on my voice for the moment. But I am still sad...:(

I understand. But with respect tovyour parents im reminded of the adage, you can't fix stupod. The problem now is that if he researches it as you say he does, i can only assume hed only parot the same irrelavent remarks that the church has fir years. The biggest one ive faced is that homosexuality is a sin. "usualky my response is okay, and oranges arent blue. So what does that have to do with the price of tea in china?"

Point is if your going to debate him, then you need to learn how to stick to the facts. They are very good at turning a topic avout one thing and making it into another. Its best to stay on track and dont let tgem argue in circles. If he sasys anything like "yeah, but..." Then he has nothing really to argue about.

Another big one he may throw at you is god doesnt make a mistake. I take person offenae to someone callung me a mistake.  So ask him why he thinks you are a mistake. If he points out that tgs are correxying a mistake, correct him, were not correcting anything. Were just blossoming. Things like that.

Hope something here helps and hope thr spelling isnt too atrocious. Loves

Quote from: Gadgett on October 21, 2013, 09:33:24 PM
I understand. But with respect tovyour parents im reminded of the adage, you can't fix stupod. The problem now is that if he researches it as you say he does, i can only assume hed only parot the same irrelavent remarks that the church has fir years. The biggest one ive faced is that homosexuality is a sin. "usualky my response is okay, and oranges arent blue. So what does that have to do with the price of tea in china?"

Point is if your going to debate him, then you need to learn how to stick to the facts. They are very good at turning a topic avout one thing and making it into another. Its best to stay on track and dont let tgem argue in circles. If he sasys anything like "yeah, but..." Then he has nothing really to argue about.

Another big one he may throw at you is god doesnt make a mistake. I take person offenae to someone callung me a mistake.  So ask him why he thinks you are a mistake. If he points out that tgs are correxying a mistake, correct him, were not correcting anything. Were just blossoming. Things like that.

Hope something here helps and hope thr spelling isnt too atrocious. Loves

The line 'God doesn't make mistakes' really cheeses me off at times. I have quite a few medical conditions, some physical, which makes some parts of my body look different. The doctors corrected it. So that physical deformation was a mistake to, and it was wrong to get it corrected? I also had to have an operation on something that I had when I was born that saved my life. The same applies, the doctors had to operate on me, therefore changing me, to save my life. Was that therefore wrong as well? Was it better that the medical issue killed me? I doubt a God that loves would create a person that suffers that shouldn't be operated on to help them? Baffles me really.

Another thing my pastor mentioned that I would like to bring up (not Christian-related) is that he thinks I am not mature enough. Many types of research has been conducted (oh wow...why am I not surprised that he says this? -_-) to show that "kids my age" cannot make good decisions and are not mature enough to do so. Therefore, my choice is somehow "invalid" and not good because I am not mature enough to make a choice.This is somehow caused by "declining maturity" that is caused by society.

Seriously? Just because I am young means that you have the right to trample over my decision and say that it's wrong? -_- I was pretty ticked off.

And yeah - the whole "God doesn't make a mistake" can be used in such wrong ways. Mainly because of misunderstanding - they don't understand that we are choosing this to cure a "medical condition" (for some reason, I don't necessarily like calling it a medical condition, because it doesn't necessarily feel like one - just seems like a way to help the rest of the world understand somewhat), and that we are not choosing this for greed or some other reason.

Thank you for all the replies ^ ^

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Well, in my personal opinion, you can't win an argument with an idiot. Which isn't to say religion is for idiots, but that you can't make someone accept anything if I want to believe that the sky is green no one can force me to change my mind. So more than likely, there's nothing that will ever convince the pastor. However, what I've said to several people when asked is being a boy is hell, so going to hell wouldnt be any worse, and being stuck in heaven as a boy would also be hell. How can god ask me to be eternally miserable just because "he doesn't make mistakes"  when so much in the world suggests otherwise.

As I said in my PM, your school counselor should be the first person to whom you turn, rather than your pastor :)

Would it not actually be in the interest of your parents to agree to see a qualified therapist, preferrably one that knows about gender issues? I mean if you have some issues with that, and your parents dont want to hear about it or think you are wrong or immature but you are banging your head against the wall out of dysphoria (not literally I hope) , doesnt it make sense then to send you to a therapist to get over with this and clear this up insetad of you going to bug them about it all the time while your grades drop and you are absent in mind all the time, as this seems what is bound to happen if you get lost in thoughts baout transition all the time but no vent to actually do something. So my take would be to be honest with your parents, tell them that these feelings are still there, have been for a long while and that you need to see a therapist to find out how to deal with them and not be distracted by them from school and such. You dont have to tell them that the therapist may in the end suggest that you transition to get over with it ;) - but if you have a therapist that knows about GID, you are in good hands already and he will then also be able to talk to your parents.
Otherwise you may need a lot of time to get things done as I understand that you want to go to college and probably at that time will also depend in part on your family for money or support? Then you are not much more free at that time either. There is no time like this today I guess, so of course your parents will not like it but really I feel it may be needed to tell them that this is affecting you strongly and you need to solve this with the help of therapy. Take it as a suggestion ;)

Quote from: anjaq on October 30, 2013, 03:26:35 PM
Would it not actually be in the interest of your parents to agree to see a qualified therapist, preferrably one that knows about gender issues? I mean if you have some issues with that, and your parents dont want to hear about it or think you are wrong or immature but you are banging your head against the wall out of dysphoria (not literally I hope) , doesnt it make sense then to send you to a therapist to get over with this and clear this up insetad of you going to bug them about it all the time while your grades drop and you are absent in mind all the time, as this seems what is bound to happen if you get lost in thoughts baout transition all the time but no vent to actually do something. So my take would be to be honest with your parents, tell them that these feelings are still there, have been for a long while and that you need to see a therapist to find out how to deal with them and not be distracted by them from school and such.

In previous posts, she has said that her parents are now unwilling to take her to any kind of therapist; they think that a therapist will just say anything to get paid. I've found that such cynicism and skepticism about mental health professionals is common among Asians, especially first-generation immigrants, because they don't accept psychology and psychiatry as valid scientific and medical practices. When I was in therapy, my psychologist suggested that the reason for why my parents denied me access to therapy while I was in high school was because it was a matter of shame and pride. They didn't want to think that they were inadequate parents, so they preferred to let me suffer rather than get professional help.

That's why I recommended that she go to her school's counselor first :-)

Ok, school counsellor then sounds like a good idea indeed. Waiting for a later transition at the time when still in school sounds like something not very desireable, given the possibilities of early transition and the perks this offers...

So, I talked to the guidance office in my school if I could meet the guidance counselor. I arranged it for Thursday. Just wondering, but would there be anything you would recommend for me when talking to the guidance counselor?

Many schools have a school psychologist. You could ask to meet with them. Tell the counselor that you need to talk but not about academic issues. They may say anything is ok or they may say not.

Okay, so an update:
Today I talked with the school counselor. Well, it's technically the mental health counselor (I guess they set up a meeting with him because I said I wanted to talk about something personal). He was really nice and open-minded. He even gave me this flyer about a LGBTQA youth meet sort of thing that I could go to (but very unlikely because of transportation and how my parents feel about it) and maybe see what he can do about the gender therapist issue I had with my parents and maybe get a gender therapist if possible. I actually felt kind of happy that I know someone that understands. He even mentioned how there's 2 transgender people at my school (he didn't tell me who they were, just mentioned the fact that there are other transgenders at my school)
Now, just wondering...what do you do in an LGBT group? (Or any group of that sort) The counselor was asking me if I wanted to join the LGBT group at my school, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to because of bullying I just get this feeling that some immature kid will go yelling to their friends, "OMG [my name] IS TRANS HE IS SUCH A WEIRDO." Maybe I'm just being more cautious because I was bullied a lot at my old school for reasons besides being trans (I didn't even know about transgenders then) and I don't want to feel that depressed and sad again. I don't know  :(
Should I join? Or no? And what do you do in LGBT meeting/gatherings? (Just out of curiosity)

Meetings tend to be conversation and maybe cookies. The subject matter will likely vary from mundane day to day things and issues unique to trans kids. every group is different but you will likely meet both trans kids and just kids who will support you being you. A place to make friends and possibly people to hang with and be safer around.

Great! Lavini. You are on a good path there. You have a person now who knows and understands you and he may be more able to at some point talk to your parents or teachers about some things. Isnt it neat to know that there are 2 more transgendered people at the school? That must be great even if you dont know yet who they are but maybe they will be at the LGBT meetings. If they are done properly, such meetings should provide participants with a way to go there without having to run into bullying. They may be in a differnt location or at a time when everone is elsewhere. My guess would be that at such meetings often people just are able to talk about their issues, problems and challenges but also successes in respect to their own coming out and ways to actually live accordingly - if it is LBGT, a lot will be gays and lesbians, I would assume, not trans, but that still is a good setting. There may be good advices as to how to react to bullying (which sadly most likely will occur at some point if you are going your way rather sooner than later, but there are ways to deal with that, I am sure. Depending on the age group there may also be either older LGBTs who can give advice or there may be one or two older people leading the group who can do the same. It may also be that they are doing just fun stuff like BBQs or hikes.
So my advice would be to go to that group if you can and see if it is interesting for you, keep seeing that counsellor regularly and get advice from him, maybe also on how to manage to get into proper gender therapy with your parents being opposed to it. Tell him your parents are opposed to it and that this is a challenge.

Quote from: anjaq on November 08, 2013, 05:31:33 AM
go to that group if you can and see if it is interesting for you, keep seeing that counsellor regularly and get advice from him, maybe also on how to manage to get into proper gender therapy with your parents being opposed to it. Tell him your parents are opposed to it and that this is a challenge.

This, but I also wanted to point out one more thing.

The counsellor told you that there are two other trans* kids at school, but you have no idea who they are. Do you see what this means? The counsellor knows about those kids but the rest of the school has no clue that they're there. To me, this suggests that you can trust the counsellor to keep your information private, and if he recommends this LGBT group at school it is probably a safe space for you... because clearly nobody has tattle-taled about the existing members.

Quote from: lavini557 on November 07, 2013, 08:47:19 PMNow, just wondering...what do you do in an LGBT group? (Or any group of that sort) The counselor was asking me if I wanted to join the LGBT group at my school, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to because of bullying I just get this feeling that some immature kid will go yelling to their friends, "OMG [my name] IS TRANS HE IS SUCH A WEIRDO." Maybe I'm just being more cautious because I was bullied a lot at my old school for reasons besides being trans (I didn't even know about transgenders then) and I don't want to feel that depressed and sad again. I don't know  :(
Should I join? Or no? And what do you do in LGBT meeting/gatherings? (Just out of curiosity)

Congratulations! I am so happy for you that you have someone who will listen and that you aren't alone. I don't know about LGBT groups at schools, but I can say that, based on my experience with PFLAG (a national nonprofit organization whose activities primarily consist of arranging support groups for LGBT people and their loved ones), the people who are in charge of such groups understand how sensitive the issue is, so they all make confidentiality the top priority. Yes, it might be a risk, but don't you suppose that the benefits would be more than worthwhile? After all, you came here to this site because you felt like you had nowhere else to turn; trust me, having people supporting you face-to-face is much more powerful than what a bunch of distant, anonymous strangers behind computer screens can accomplish.

I decided that I should go to the school's LGBT group. I asked my counselor about it, and he's says it's on Mondays. Doesn't conflict with the rest of my schedule :) I will see how the meetings are and go from there.
You guys have tips for depression for the time being? I zone out way too much these days...

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So I went to the school LBGT group meeting today. It was...okay, I guess. There wasn't anyone I really knew, and they didn't really do anything where people participate and discuss topics or something like that. It seems to be led by student officers instead of teachers. Today, the officer did a presentation about transgender people because Wednesday is Transgender Day of Remembrance (or something like that) apparently. They did mention that there is a type of gathering thing for that on Wednesday in my area (it's for free), but it sucks that I can't go (obviously, my parents would be completely against it). I did see a transgender kid in the group (I think he's a FtM from what I heard in conversation with him and others), which was nice. I didn't get to talk to him though, probably because I was shy and I wasn't really sure what to ask anyway. I felt kind of disconnected from the rest of the people in the group, but I think it's because it's my first time there. Maybe if I go there more and get more involved I can get to know them better and socialize with them.

And also, just a really persistent question I have these days...when should I open back up to my parents again? I was thinking maybe after I get a few friends to understand, but I still don't know. She is most likely not going to really listen to anyone that is not Korean (I just have a feeling that she won't listen to non-Koreans because she thinks "Oh they think differently than I do so they don't understand how I think so I should not listen to them at all" or something like that.) However, I am not sure if she will understand even if they are Korean, because if they're my friend, she might think they are too immature and just take everything I say at face value, don't research on it, and that they are talking to her with lack of facts and reasoning. A Korean adult might work best, but the only Korean adults I know are in my church, and...well, I don't think I need to elaborate about what will happen after I explained how my pastor responded to me opening up to him.

*sigh* I don't know what to do...feel so depressed. I can't focus and I don't even like taking showers that much anymore (but I still have to because I take taekwondo and if I don't shower my sweat will get on my bed and I will stink. Also, my mom doesn't like smelly and sweaty beds, which is understandable)

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bump...what is going on?  ??? Why are there no responses? I'm assuming it's because people are busy but...:(