Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 First of all if any of you have read any of my other posts you should know by now that my parents are actually in denial about my female self. As such, when I wrote the letter to them saying I was transgender and explaining everything I could they told me that I was just going through a phase and it was just hormones, I'll grow out of it.
My mom takes estrogen for menopause and I sometimes take some of her pills. I have to watch how many though because I don't want to have to try and explain that to my parents :-\ Also when it gets to the point of where there aren't enough pills to keep taking them without it being obvious I have to stop taking them. I reeeeaaallly want to be me around the house and those get me a step closer to feeling like myself. I want to be feminine not masculine but I feel forced to act that way at home and anywhere else. Although I have shaved my legs and rest of my body hair and also worn makeup, I always get caught, and usually get grounded or yelled at a lot.
So I guess my question is, does anybody have any suggestions on how I can still feel like the girl I know I am when I can't take estrogen?
Kisses

Self medicating is not a good thing.  You need to contact your doctor and get on a regular regiment.

 Yes I know but it makes me feel better somehow. I'm a minor and don't know how to tell my doctor who I've had since I was born. I couldn't do that. I've been considering asking my parents for therapy too but I don't know how to go about that either as my parents would probably say no.

Tell them you want the therapist for depression or anger issues.

Yeah but I don't have anger issues or depression (yet) I'm just tired of holding my female self inside

Then just say "I have trouble getting along with other kids." And that "I don't seem to fit in and I don't know why." After that just explain that you want to talk to someone about your issues that isn't a part of your family or friends.
Every kid has those issues and it normal to seek out help in dealing with them. It's also normal for a minor to seek help for one thing and then disclose another.

 I can't really take that angle with them, it wouldn't work. They already know I have a lot of friends

Kayla,
So sorry for what you are going through.
Its hard for me to give objective advise because I am one of the 50's crowd that was unable to get the  help I needed.
I was thirty by the time I understood what was happening and by then had a family to take care of so I did not transition even though I was ok'd to do it.
I think you need find a way to get your parents to let you get therapy.. not a christian counselor that says they can pray it out of you.. I tried that did not work for me however everyone is different.
It would be preferable to see a gender therapist.. a good gender therapist can help you understand your feelings and if you are trans they would also be a big help with your parents.
I hope you can find a way to find yourself and when you do don't let anyone try to tell you differently.. only you know you...
Good luck Kiddo I wish you a world of happiness and a long healthy life.
Carrie

You are going through a phase per your parents own words.  Ask them if you could get help from a professional who understands these issues so that you can deal with this phase.  Let them know that this is very serious.  Think of a problem this is causing that you wouldn't mind sharing and tell them "Look, here is a problem.  I really want someone to talk with."
Self medication, such as you are doing, is not a good idea.  I know that it may help with the inner struggles.  I know because it does the same for me.  Yet, a doctor can give you the correct doses; doses that would have the most effect. We all have been there; wanting but waiting.  Please be safe.  Communicate with your parents, using what they say about this to get you to someone who you can talk with and from there, to where you need to go. 

 Thanks for all the support so far ladies! I still wish I knew what to do to feel more feminine when I cant take estrogen but I've got no clue. That would probably help with me not feeling the need to self medicate.

Kayla,

You're in a tough position. First, self-medication is bad, please stop. When the time comes to transition you want it to be as effective as possible. It's my understanding that self-mediating can cause issues. It also seems to me you've gone as far as you can go safely while still hiding who you are. And I do want you to be safe, little sister.  :D

Keep in mind that you are the girl you know you are already. The body you're stuck in right now doesn't reflect it yet, but that doesn't make it untrue. Remember this.

I agree that a therapist is the best next step. Your parents must be aware that there are problems even if they think it's a passing phase, after all they've caught you multiple times as I understand it. The worst they can do is say no. You can do it.

I'm cheering for you, tough girl.  :icon_joy:

love,
-maggie

Thanks! ;D You're the best! Part of the reason with the self medicating is that it helps me feel more feminine. I'm not really sure what else to do outside of that to feel and act more feminine without losing friendships and in general being the laughingstock of the school. Nobody knows the real me and I cannot even imagine telling anyone :( They all know and most like my masculine side. Unfortunately some of my best friends are kind of homophobes so they wouldn't understand :-\ A lot of times I'm really just fed up with not being able to express femininity without getting looked at weird. I've tested the waters a few times and mostly I gather that people wouldn't be understanding. On a happier note, I did go out to dinner with my family on Halloween wearing some makeup! It felt amazing although I probably should have gone with a bit of a darker shade. ;D

Leaving the HRT side of things alone, being feminine is mostly in the grey matter. It's up to you how much you want to hide or show, but seems you're letting the social side of life control it. Yes, I know it can be scary to express it, but from experience, people really have better things to do than worry about that.

Also, I'm a little surprised that some of your friends aren't understanding of LGBT peoples... I found it impossible to connect with such people while growing up. But then again, I failed at acting masculine too. More to the point, are they really friends if they would not accept the real you? I didn't lose a single friend since coming out a year ago :).

 I've never really thought about it that way I guess. I still would call them friends though, although to help you understand a little further the people that are like this are really only school friends and not people I hang out with outside of school.
Thanks for your input
Kayla

Hello Kayla. I understand you well even though it took me to get 23 before I transitioned but I still lived with my moms. I did the same as you, sneaked a pill here and there from my mom for relief, but of course that was not the best way - it did not help anything long term and as I understood it later was a bit dangerous, medically speaking. When I did medication later, I can say that indeed it was a huge relief for my mind and body. another such huge relief for me was to drop the pretense of being a male. I was not out at that time, but I dropped the parts of my behaviour or personality that I only used to pretend to be a "regular boy". From that time on I was of course seen more as a strange guy, maybe gay, but I did not care, I was more "me" and was gendered female at times by strangers just from that - that was amazing - I did not do any physical changes except some eyebrow plucking and very close and frequent shaves.
Back to the topic of hormones and getting into therapy. I see two options. One is to actually meditate, "girl up" ;) and come out to your childhood doctor about this. He should be a person you can confide in, it is not that you did not tell your parents already, so even if he does tell them it is no news. You cannot loose anything by telling him about this and that you seek help about it. Possibly he is a good doctor and sees the need for doing something about it and either get you into therapy or talk to your parents about the seriousness of it.
The other thing is to just be persistent for your parent. Nag them, insist that this is an issue for you. If they really get annoyed, tell them you want to go to a therapist and talk this through, but make sure it is not going to be some nutcase fundamentalist christain therapist or some other freak who wants to cure the TS out of you! Ideally of course you should try to make it a gender therapist as these guys are obviously experts about this sort of issue, so you can maybe convince your parents to choose that. It is ok to let them for now think that this is just a "phase" or a temporary issue that still has to be dealt with by a gender professional. Once you are at the therapist, you can be open to him about everything.

I hope you can make it - those early years are so crucial for transition - every year counts there to get into therapy, transition and eventually medical treatment.

 Thank you so much for your advice! I actually started writing a letter to my parents tonight about getting therapy :) I'm still a minor so hopefully they'll help me get into therapy :-\

I hope so too, Kayla - how much of a minor are you, if you care to share that?
It may be worth writing a similar letter to your doctor that you mentioned, if you dont dare to talk to him about it and if th eletter to your parents does not work out. Do you have a school counsellor ?

I'm a year younger than the big one eight. I'm pretty sure the counselors at my school are academics only  :-\

Ok. Try them still. AFAIK they should not run off to your parents right away and if they cannot help you, it was worth a try, dont you think?

 Yes. I'm going to try for the therapist though  :)

Kayla,
Good luck!  We support you!
Jen

 Thanks Jennifer ;)
Kisses,

I hope the best for you. I'm an older person who had very severe problems growing up. I knew so deeply I was female, but I couldn't get help because I was severely introverted. My parents really didn't know how to help me. I don't blame them. They loved me. It took me along time for me to realize I was a transgender. I definitely know now. I'm starting to transition. I have the support of a therapist. I've wasted so much time, but there plenty left to be me. good luck. god loves you

 Awww. Thanks for that last part. I really needed that :)
Kisses,
Kayla

Say you're having anxiety issues, which from your posts it seems this would not be a lie, and you want to talk to a therapist to find out why. No harm, no foul.

Also, estrogen or not, SRS or not, does not and will not make you female. Gender is a construct or ideal of the mind. No drug, hormone, or surgery will change what you feel in your heart and how you perceive yourself in your head. Be yourself. You don't any meds to do this. I was out living FT female 24/7 3 years before HRT... and 5 years before my SRS. Not the HRT or SRS mattered as much to me as simply being able to be myself, express myself, and live as I wanted on a daily basis. Not to down play the HRT or SRS, but they will not and do not validate who your are, and how you chose to be perceived by the world. You can do that anytime you want. Angry and/or disapproving parents not withstanding. ;)

Thank You! I've never really thought of it that way before.
Kisses,

Jenn, that is true. I admit I did HRT very early on in tranistion, but before I was just being myself and was already gendered female just because I allowed myself to be. I did not like to dress in unambiguous womens clothes though or do a lot of makeup, so for me HRT was important for going fulltime then because basically I did not want to "dress" to be seen how I am. I was just not into the very femme fashion. The pic of me in the avatar at this time, it is me still in 100% boy clothes, but expressing myself as I am and most people i asekd gender me female in that picture. The face is blurred out, for the face, HRT helped me to get across as natural. But yeah - just being oneself does a huge good already