Susan's Place Transgender Resources

As time goes on i feel more and more depressed, every second of every day hurts... I feel trapped and hopeless, the things i do to try and make myself feel better fail (like my counter) and leave me even worse off... I wish for death.

*hugs*

I understand how "time" hurts...Maybe shorten your view a little?

I read somewhere that cadets at West Point (and probably the other academies, as well) sometimes get overwhelmed with thinking "OMG, I'm here for 4 more years!!" so what they do is refocus so that it's just the next 10 minutes...or an hour...until the next break, the next class, the next drill...when *this* one is over.

I do that somewhat, just break down the day until the next hormone pill, the next work shift, the next meal, etc.

Life can suck sometimes, but death...is merely a change in venue, it's probably just as sucky there. Survive this life, day by day, moment by moment.

There is hope, even if you can't feel it.

*hugs*

eta: What happens in 18 months, 1 week, 4 days?

Sure...

For me, it's next failure, next good grade that doesn't count, next time yelled at by my mom, next time bullied...

Less sometimes, more all the time...

Not always...

I get a chance to move out, if I'm lucky, otherwise add 12 more months.

If i don't die soon from myself, then it's just as likely to be from something else, such as lack of food, throwing up everyday, stress, and other stuff...

Long walks can sometimes help. Have you tried that? works best on trails or where you can find nature stuff.

No, mostly cause i don't have the time to.

Bummer, any exercise plan is suppose to help, can you do that at home after work or school or something?

Nope, home i have stuff to do plus I'm too skinny and sick feeling to exercise much.

There has to be something you enjoy doing. If you do not think there is then you just need to find it.
You need to find things to distract you from your issues until you are able to confront them.

Personally I was rather unhealthy and chose things like drinking and computer games. Nothing was solved or resolved but I got through school got good grades and finished my education.

Then again I have never been the suicidal type. You can enjoy a nice smoke, drink or food whatever your gender, in company or alone far as I see it. Only thing that stops you being able to enjoy yourself in such ways is being dead.

PS Just because you are skinny (bet I am more skinny, 6ft and 8 1/2-3/4 stone) and feeling unhealthy (10 years smoking and lazing about on a PC all day) does not mean you cannot exercise. Even I do exercise. Recently started up riding my bike again more regularly and you know what it does make you feel better in a whole bunch of different ways. I didn't believe it either when people say so, but it does.

Big hug! We're all going to die, hon, no sense rushing it. The best thing to do when you feel helpless is to help someone else. That's easy to do here, there's always someone looking for advice or a kind word. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Seras on November 07, 2013, 10:06:26 AM
There has to be something you enjoy doing. If you do not think there is then you just need to find it.
You need to find things to distract you from your issues until you are able to confront them.

Personally I was rather unhealthy and chose things like drinking and computer games. Nothing was solved or resolved but I got through school got good grades and finished my education.

Then again I have never been the suicidal type. You can enjoy a nice smoke, drink or food whatever your gender, in company or alone far as I see it. Only thing that stops you being able to enjoy yourself in such ways is being dead.

PS Just because you are skinny (bet I am more skinny, 6ft and 8 1/2-3/4 stone) and feeling unhealthy (10 years smoking and lazing about on a PC all day) does not mean you cannot exercise. Even I do exercise. Recently started up riding my bike again more regularly and you know what it does make you feel better in a whole bunch of different ways. I didn't believe it either when people say so, but it does.

That's almost as bad as denying that I'm trans, causing me a lot of stress, distraction will not help.

I'm failing most every class, thoughts of death and stress is distracting to say the least, plus the few good grades i get don't count.

Or law.

I'm about 5 foot 10+ inches and only weigh 100 or so pounds, it hurts how skinny i am.

Doesn't sound like you're living in a healthy environment.  May I ask what is keeping you there?

Maybe it calls for a break from school or a reduction in classes.

Quote from: <3 on November 07, 2013, 12:48:41 PM
Doesn't sound like you're living in a healthy environment.  May I ask what is keeping you there?

Age, as i told you before.

Quote from: LordKAT on November 07, 2013, 12:56:12 PM
Maybe it calls for a break from school or a reduction in classes.

That's not going to happen.

Well if you're old enough to move out on your own, why not do so?

If you're not old enough to move out on your own, I'm pretty sure your mom has a legal obligation to your health and well-being.

Quote from: <3 on November 07, 2013, 01:14:14 PM
If you're not old enough to move out on your own, I'm pretty sure your mom has a legal obligation to your health and well-being.

That she does, does it matter? No.

Except it does matter.  Maybe not to her, but to Child Welfare, it does.  You have to look out for yourself, or find someone who will, if your Mom is not doing the job.

I'm in a very anti-LGBT area, if my mom finds out then at least i know how to deal with that some, plus i have people to help me online here, if i leave to someone else, then it's all at risk.

Get a job, move out of the area?

Still too young.

Either I'm missing something or you're missing what I am saying.  I'm not talking about the trans related issues.  I'm talking about your general health situation and the responsibility your Mother has towards that. 

I may be wrong but, I think the point is, if she leaves home, the risk is greater than staying home, even if it is bad there.

Quote from: LordKAT on November 07, 2013, 03:55:39 PM
I may be wrong but, I think the point is, if she leaves home, the risk is greater than staying home, even if it is bad there.

Correct, sadly.

Wish I could help. I raised a number of 'spare' children. Unfortunately, ATM I can't even help myself.

I doubt i could get up there anyways.

Is there anyone your parents would let you live with for a year or so?

Nope.

Xhianil if we agree that it's wrong for others to hurt you it follows that no one, even you, gain anything by hurting you.  While it is reasonable to seek relief or look for a way out, you may just be missing out on what may become the best chapter in the story of your life.  That is some of the promise of not knowing our futures.  You may become the one who saves another's life or gets to fall madly in love with a person of your dreams.

Death can be a choice but it gives no second chances we are sure of???

Please hang on Hon, we need you to keep those pups fed, watered and played with.

Ain't all that much more skinny than me. If you do not want to exercise though that is up to you. Why so thin? Don't eat? Aren't fed? Ridiculous metabolism?

Anyway getting your mind off your problems is not the same as denying them. I know from experience. Dwelling on problems when there is no solution only makes them seem bigger and more insurmountable, to me at least. Dying is unacceptable, that means you lose. You need to either deal with your problems or put them off until you can. If you cannot do one you must do the other. You say you cannot leave your family because the risk is too bad, right. Well risk works both ways and if things are truly as bad as you say (wishing to die, whatever reasons behind you sayin your mum aint doing her job, pretty bad) then I am not sure how much worse things can get. The state, if you are in care, does have an obligation to look after you and will fulfill it. At least in the UK, I assume the USA is not overly 3rd world. The other risk is, it might not be worse.

Not that I am saying you should leave your family. I do not know your situation, I do not know you I don't know how bad you have things compared to me when I was your age. I got off pretty easy. I love distractions especially pleasurable ones, not that I do not regret facing my problems head on earlier but it worked for me. There is always a better way than the one way ticket out. Your life though, you gotta find it, and if you do it will be worth it.

Anyway sorry if my platitudes and whatnot suck. I have never really felt the call of death myself, though my sister once did, however I tried it was near impossible to get through, no matter what I said I could not change how she felt. You know what though, she got through it and now can hardly even believe she thought she wanted it all to end. So just try hold on cause I got one more platitude left. Things get better so **** dying.

Quote from: Seras on November 07, 2013, 07:15:44 PM
Ain't all that much more skinny than me. If you do not want to exercise though that is up to you. Why so thin? Don't eat? Aren't fed? Ridiculous metabolism?

Not fed.

Putting them off hurts, i feel as if I'll never stop if i start ignoring them.

I am the second i am legally able to get out of there.

Do they? Your just one who got lucky, there are many who haven't.

Hon we want you to get lucky too!  You can't get lucky or win at all if you are missing from the game.  Sure this life is a crap shoot and a dangerous gamble some days but stay with us please, your luck can change too ;)

Chance favors the prepared mind.  Prepare for better things to come.   We have seen progress in so many marvelous ways right here.....before and after pics huh?

And if you are truly not getting fed please PM me or any mod for more dedicated assistance or??   I have heard not to mess with Texas but I don't take abuse lightly.

If not us here then you might just think about other connections that might include a teacher or someone you can start to trust, a bit at a time?  No more hurting is needed.

If you are not being fed, you can leave home now. Contact a social worker, tell someone at school. It is abuse and you need to end it.

Quote from: Tessa James on November 08, 2013, 01:19:51 AM
Hon we want you to get lucky too!  You can't get lucky or win at all if you are missing from the game.  Sure this life is a crap shoot and a dangerous gamble some days but stay with us please, your luck can change too ;)

Chance favors the prepared mind.  Prepare for better things to come.   We have seen progress in so many marvelous ways right here.....before and after pics huh?

And if you are truly not getting fed please PM me or any mod for more dedicated assistance or??   I have heard not to mess with Texas but I don't take abuse lightly.

If not us here then you might just think about other connections that might include a teacher or someone you can start to trust, a bit at a time?  No more hurting is needed.

Yes, but life is not a game at all, life has pain and suffering.

Yea, a lot of them do look good, after money was spent.

No way you can help, but I'm working towards fixing it, last night i got free lunch back thankfully, even though it's small it's still something.

No, there is not at all, i tried before.

Quote from: Xhianil on November 08, 2013, 08:25:41 AM
Yes, but life is not a game at all, life has pain and suffering.

Yea, a lot of them do look good, after money was spent.

No way you can help, but I'm working towards fixing it, last night i got free lunch back thankfully, even though it's small it's still something.

No, there is not at all, i tried before.

You are right about that while life has love and healing too. 

Looking and feeling good can also be free, just add a smile, a wink and a whistle (of course this is trite but still you get the idea ;D)

A work in progress with free lunch--way to go, you rock, and eat and that really is something you did.

New people will be entering your life and may provide new opportunity.  OK I found that one in a fortune cookie

Xhianil, sometimes.... many times in life we must wait. we must learn patience. take this time as an opportunity to learn patience.

as far as not getting fed. this is common over the world. i work in a poor neighborhood in my city at a community garden. we do what we can. thankfully our city schools have a free breakfast program, free/reduced lunch (about 99% of the kids qualify for totally free). this leaves dinner. i have started cooking classes at some of the schools, and when i pitch it to administrators, i tell them: "i want this class to be at the end of the day, so kids can take extras home to give to their siblings and parent(s). i want it to be like a 5 star restaurant just opened up in our neighborhood, only the food is free and it is a class"

another thing in our neighborhood is there are many community meals. some are better than others, but you might want to look into free meals being offered around your town... but be careful, many are in bad neighborhoods and many troubled people attend.

like Seras said, i do not know you, so i can not make recommendations as to what you should do. i'm assuming you aren't 18. there is a thing called emancipation. if you google "emancipation of minors texas", you should find some info

throughout history, many children have ran away from their parents. i can only imagine what the world would be like if the Buddha never ran away from his parents, sure he was an adult. Parents can be very possessive, i know my mom was. i always thought that she saw my life as a 2nd chance for her to do hers right... only that isn't how it works. it's my life not hers!

i grew up in catholic school and i knew at a very young age how i wanted to live. just like Seras, i did a lot of distracting myself. my childhood and teenage life up to when i finally accepted myself and had the courage to begin transition is like a foggy haze. not many memories from those times and while i wish i had the courage and strength to transition earlier, i made it through those times alive. i graduated college, paid it off, and at that point in my life, felt that i had done my duty to my parents and could begin to live my own life.

i know i've written a lot but perhaps not said much. my best advice is to hang in there. this time will make you a stronger person. look into services like free meals, perhaps get a job at a food service place. i know whenever i worked at subways they gave workers a free 6" each shift. (that was all i ate on many days. student loans don't pay themselves)

back to the hunger issues. i mentioned i work on a community garden. it's more of an urban farm. i'm not too familiar with growing in texas, and i know there's probably whacky water laws out there. but... take a potato, cut it up so you have 2 eyes for each chunk. and plant those i dunno, 2-3 inches deep. google it for better info. but you can turn 1 potato into 20, and it takes a few months, so long as you have enough water. nature is bountiful. nature is our true parent, and it gives us more than enough. many "weeds" here in ohio are edible, and tasty!

so i'm rambling now... my apologies. in short, take this time as an opportunity to grow into a stronger person. don't let your parent(s) attitudes influence your personal confidence and drive. you are a very important person, unfortunately your parents do not see this. much good will come into this world as a result of you living your life, according to your own free will. sounds vague and touchy-feely, but this is true. you will reach the state of bliss, but for now you are in suffering. many of us have been through suffering and have made it out into bliss. i really look forward to hearing your stories once you move out of your current situation. there's tons of cool spots in this country, and even more across the planet. i like that i am from a poor neighborhood in ohio. it somehow reminds me of how luke skywalker was from the equivalent. from the lowest comes the highest. one day you can look back at your past situation and feel joy that you came out of it. your story will help to inspire others who will come after you. we are the pioneers. life isn't easy, but there are great rewards for those who take up it's challenges. imagine the colonials who came to america from europe, imagine our future colonials who will be living on the moon/mars/other earthlike planets far away. it takes a lot of strength to be great, but i think you got it!

Suicide attempt number 2 today... Only reason it failed was lack of planing...

I think its better to move out and just figure something out if this is what living with your mother is leading to.  There are social programs that can help you.

Quote from: Xhianil on November 09, 2013, 04:30:51 PM
Suicide attempt number 2 today... Only reason it failed was lack of planing...

So sorry to hear you feeling that lowly awful seduction of nothingness.  I remain willing to help you get outta there.  Dealing with the County or State people is better than nothing.

I can't know how you feel exactly but I left home and lived in a stolen car at age 16.  I believe you are smarter than I was and can find a better alternative that might just offer a better way forward for you.

Is there different family members. Look it sounds lame but a trusted teacher or a school counselor could help you immensely. Age doesn't matter when it comes to abuse. It's wrong at any age. Even if ur community thinks its wrong for you to be who you are. The other 80 percent of the your  ountry is a bit more open. Don't let them win. Suicide is letting them win. I had a friend tell me that a while back, and I looked at myself and said this is not who I'm going to be for the rest of my life. So I willed what emotions I wanted into exsistence. I created courage out of thin air. And it worked. You don't let the bad thoughts win EVER.

There is no one, i have tried, others on here have recomended the same before.

And people will keep on recommending that you try again because we did and most of us do find a hand to hold when we reach out with ours.

And we are still here with you and I trust you are the "one" who will make the biggest difference in your life.

Your emotions are yours to have and hold and you can think your way in or out of any feeling you choose but it may take creativity and imagination.

No one can really change your mind but YOU.

big hugs hon FWIW