Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I want to share my feelings about dressing and see if others share the same experience. When I dress I initially experience euphoria. It feels so right. I feel beautiful. I get to thinking that I definitely should transition. Then my mind goes on to think how ridiculous I look as a man in woman's clothing and that I will never pass. Everyone will see and hear me as an actor. I get discouraged and depressed. Can anyone relate to this?

When I dressed for haloween, I managed to make it through, even though I was worried sick about my voice. Other than that, I felt so lovely and elegant, wearing makeup, lipstick, mascara, and a dress. It was even better when I allowed myself to use the women's bathroom for the first time since I was 6, when mom stopped taking me to the bathroom with her in public. Of course then I didn't (and really still don't!) understand why men and women have separate bathrooms. The best feeling, though, was being taken to CVS by a friend and having them select a bunch of makeup for me, and totally fooling everyone in the store, including the guy at the counter!
The next day I was pretty low, though, not being able to show myself the way I really feel, like reverting to a lower model of myself.

Quote from: Genzen on November 07, 2013, 10:04:50 AM
I want to share my feelings about dressing and see if others share the same experience. When I dress I initially experience euphoria. It feels so right. I feel beautiful. I get to thinking that I definitely should transition. Then my mind goes on to think how ridiculous I look as a man in woman's clothing and that I will never pass. Everyone will see and hear me as an actor. I get discouraged and depressed. Can anyone relate to this?

I totally share that feeling ... that's why I stopped dressing years and years ago and won't start again until I'm at least a year into HRT

When I dressed for the first time experienced euphoria. It felt so right. I felt so beautiful. When the evening ended and it was time to go back to male mode I felt depressed. I could not wait to dress again and be a woman, i began to dress and more and more. I would dress for a few hours, which went to an entire weekend.. then it was daily .. before I finally started HRT..I would wear something female all the time, often I would go to class wearing panty under my guy clothes or wear clear nail polish on my toes..

Starting hrt was wonderful day.. I remember getting my first injection and I was so excited, i never felt the prick of the needle.

I find dressing to be a wonderful but problematic distraction. I work from home, so I can pretty much dress whenever I want. But it's really hard to get anything done when every other thought is about what I'm wearing. I have the same problem with underdressing.

Lora

It's odd, but similar for me too. I don't feel any kind of euphoria, it just feels far more comfortable for me. But if people look at me too long, I start to worry that I'm giving away a lot of tells, or showing a 5 o clock shadow, etc, and become very self conscious.

Halloween, I dressed like a flapper with my girlfriend. I went to the restroom and walked into the mens room because I thought I'd been called out by the bouncer because he was staring.....no sooner than i'd gone in the door, he came right in behind me "Ma'am, Ma'am, you can't use this one, use the other one!!". I was bursting to use the potty so told the bouncer in the lowest voice I could muster "Damn, my gf must have done a good job. She thought we should do a 20's thing" and he let me use the restroom. When I came out a girl grabbed me and asked me how I'd gotten in to use the guys room before because she'd seen me go in and wanted to know if I could talk to the bouncer to get him to let her in since I obviously knew him, lol!!!

Next time I went to the restroom, I just used the ladies room. No fuss, no questions.......I was VERY self conscious in there though 

In years past I would dress up on occasion and there would be a moment where it felt right, where my mind could take me to a place where I had the body I have always wanted. But then that damn mirror... seeing myself dressed up was always devastating and depressing. When looking at myself in that mirror, I just couldn't see past the man in drag--and I absolutely hated it. The experience would often end up being so negative that it would turn me off of dressing for months, even years at a time.

Things have changed for me and I no longer feel that way, I actually like the woman I see when dressed up now. But I just wanted to comment to say you're not alone in your feelings, I've been there too.

Quote from: Alaia on November 08, 2013, 12:48:48 PM
Things have changed for me and I no longer feel that way, I actually like the woman I see when dressed up now. But I just wanted to comment to say you're not alone in your feelings, I've been there too.

Can I ask you what has changed and how you achieved that change?

Genzen, it helped that I assumed I would never pass, and I concentrated on looking the best I could. I resolved to show the world the face of transgender - confident, intelligent, and proud. There are many kinds of women in the world and some of them look like men in women's clothing. Doesn't make them any less feminine, or any less beautiful.

I hope this helps, sweetie. Starting out and finding your place as a trans woman is a really awkward phase.

Quote from: Genzen on November 08, 2013, 12:52:17 PM
Can I ask you what has changed and how you achieved that change?

The main thing is that I learned to love who I am. I recognized the peace I felt when being true to myself and realized that I wanted to change so that I can feel that way all the time. And to hell with whether I 'pass' or not.

As for how I got to that point, well, I don't know if my situation is one you will relate to or not. I'll go into it if you want me to, but if I do, realize you asked for it ;) (It will be a lengthy post if I'm to do the story justice).

I had the same feeling when I dressed for Halloween (as a Japanese school girl, see my avatar). I'm my worst critic. I thought "this is dumb, and I'm going to look stupid." But everyone loved it, and much to my surprise I fooled women that I have known for years! One said I make a pretty girl. Oh, thank you, thank you! One woman I did not know said she was fooled, and then after she realized I was male (after I spoke), said I "look beautiful for a man in a dress." lol Yay again!

The whole experience was a real confidence booster. Now I know with a little work (i.e., a smaller nose and my facial hair removed) I'll be just fine. Tonight my band was laying someone, and two women stopped me on the way back from the bathroom and said "you were the little Japanese girl, weren't you?" and thy went on how great I looked. lol Yay!

So, I think it's natural to have these feelings of doubt. I know I do. Also, from the many cicgender women I  have dated, they aren't always crazy about the way they look either.

When I first started dressing 25 years ago it was a feeling of being free, free from all of the confution in my head but when I saw myself in the mirror my only taught was "what am I doing" but as time went on I learnt to enjoy the freedom and not to try to pass.

These days I wear bras and pantys every day and wear skirts around the house and 3 days a week I wear three quarter women's pants and a ladies plain top out of the house when taking my daughter to school or to shopping without getting comments, this helps me to be less depressed about who I am and keeps me focused on getting HRT so I can go full time sooner rather than later.

Emily.T xx

Sucks when you're bad at it.

Is cool when you get good at it.

Quote from: Genzen on November 07, 2013, 10:04:50 AM
I want to share my feelings about dressing and see if others share the same experience. When I dress I initially experience euphoria. It feels so right. I feel beautiful. I get to thinking that I definitely should transition. Then my mind goes on to think how ridiculous I look as a man in woman's clothing and that I will never pass. Everyone will see and hear me as an actor. I get discouraged and depressed. Can anyone relate to this?

This is me in 2007

Quote from: Alaia on November 08, 2013, 07:52:35 PM
The main thing is that I learned to love who I am. I recognized the peace I felt when being true to myself and realized that I wanted to change so that I can feel that way all the time. And to hell with whether I 'pass' or not.

As for how I got to that point, well, I don't know if my situation is one you will relate to or not. I'll go into it if you want me to, but if I do, realize you asked for it ;) (It will be a lengthy post if I'm to do the story justice).

I'd love to read that lengthy post! I have a feeling it would really speak to me ...

I felt that way in the beginning.  Not wanting to go back to dressing as a guy.  I wear fire retardant coveralls to work and I always have on woman's apparel under it.  I also worried about the looking femme when going out.  I normally go out with one or two other girls that are pre hrt as well and I have never had a negative comment made to me.  I even had someone ask a guy friend i was out with if I was his girlfriend or his wife. Confidence in being who I am is my key!!

I can sympathize with this.
I initially feel better dressing in women's clothing, as it's so much prettier and it feels right, but when I look in the mirror, I end up feeling worse as I notice all the places where it doesn't fit my body, and seems to call attention to everything that's wrong.

I started dressing when I was 4 in my sisters cloths. I kept dressing through grade school , high school , college and beyond . I've always felt so right when I did it. Later on in life ,I would go shopping dressed up. It just felt so beautiful. Some times I just got looks but I couldn't tell If they were weird looks or complimentary looks. I thought I looked half way decent in make up. I had a very positive experience walking around. Now, I just started HRT and waiting to see how much my face changes. I sit in coffee places with polish and bra on. For some reason I already have quite noticeable breasts. At first I was really afraid to let them show, but I 'm getting use to it. I still have a lot of doubts, but to be true to my self I really can't go back. I think the estrogen in my body is giving me a sense of feeling like a woman. We'll see what the future brings.

Quote from: JenSquid on November 12, 2013, 04:19:05 AM
I can sympathize with this.
I initially feel better dressing in women's clothing, as it's so much prettier and it feels right, but when I look in the mirror, I end up feeling worse as I notice all the places where it doesn't fit my body, and seems to call attention to everything that's wrong.

I came to realize I have no waist line! lol But it's getting there as I lose weight. And of course I have no hips. Women's clothing expects such things, unless you are very thin.

I think you have to pick the right things to wear that don't expect a small waist and broad hips. I might get hip implants... who knows.  But I'll wait to see how I look on HRT.

When I came out to my friends in 2006 they were eager to dress me up lol. It was in October so I mostly did it to prep for a big Halloween festival where I dressed up as a 'sexy witch'. I had a long black skirt and a corset, witch hat, etc. When I was trying things out before that, I was a bit apprehensive. Sure buying some clothes (like a bra) was exciting, but actually wearing things and wearing some horribly done make-up made me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I naturally look a bit femmy, or at least not masculine, but I still felt like it was all completely transparent. But when it was showtime and I was all dressed up to go out, I felt almost euphoric and a lot more confident. Sure I wasn't passable, but I was out in public wearing women's clothes and being Halloween, nobody cared! Some people said I looked good and took pics with me. And at one point, walking along the side of the road to my friend's house, someone drove by and made with the cat calls. It felt good. Even spending the day in a corset and having a mild panic attack when I had to choose between the restrooms, I was happy and comfortable. But after that, I only dressed up a few times. In retrospect, I should have been more embarrassed than I was, but in a way I felt defiant when I was out in public with a stuffed bra, women's clothes, and some make-up.

After all that I shoved everything in the back of my closet. What remained was subtle, like earrings and some hair-clips because I was hiding it all from my parents. I stopped hanging out with my friends for unrelated reasons, and had no reason to go out most of the time. Spending a lot of time in virtual worlds, I ended up dressing up avatars as an outlet. I did get a bit daring once when I went with my parents on vacation. I carried around a small 'travel bag' which I used as a purse. It was light blue but very purse-like, but my parents never said anything about it. And once, at a restaurant, I was carrying it and wore a red v-neck shirt and my hair was long and a waiter ma'am'd me. Was a proud moment lol.

So yes, I've felt this way at times. I figured when I finally got to transition I would feel more comfortable dressing up. Right now I'm at one month on HRT and had one laser session so I'm not quite ready yet but I did recently buy some cute pink fuzzy jammie pants. Refraining from buying anything else until I get in better shape. xD

For some time, clothing changes (at least at home, since I am working in boy mode) have really helped affirm my identity.  They do feel better.  The euphoria I felt the first couple of times has faded, alas.

I'm pre-HRT (come on, January!) and the dysphoria (feeling that my body is wrong, hatred of it) is growing by leaps and bounds.  If I want to go out in real me mode, I really feel like I need to do makeup, at least, smoothing my face and neck with foundation, fixing my eyes up, and (although you wouldn't guess it from my profile pic) putting on a wig.  Getting a wig helped me go from smirks and eye rolls wherever I went to smiles and nods... it was like a magic talisman, hiding my jaw line and my baldness while shadowing my adam's apple.  I feel so right out in the world being treated like a woman (maybe even passing for one, when my mannerisms and voice are rocking), only to feel dead and paralyzed at home.  I have been spending much of my home time wearing male clothing (that I wore to work) because it doesn't feel like it is worth the effort to change into something more comfortable to my soul.

And I hate that, because it feels like giving up.

So yes, I think I can relate... at least in those moments spent looking in the mirror, attempting to cover the damage of decades of T exposure.  *sigh*

Lots of hugs all around!

Quote from: Robin Mack on November 12, 2013, 03:31:54 PM
because it doesn't feel like it is worth the effort to change into something more comfortable to my soul.

Robin, maybe just get some at home cozy clothes that are femme, something soft and comfy?

I've had more than my fair share of trying on girls clothes and having that horrible mood dropping sensation when you look in the mirror.

It may be that my body is finally starting to change and that the girls clothes I wear now actually fit slightly better, so for me I tend to go around wearing girls jeans or hoodies, no one notices at all. The only thing people say is that I look slimmer, mostly because I wear such baggy clothing normally to hide two certain things on my chest that are becoming way too noticeable in boy mode.

I guess its all about dressing to your body type, not things that you desperately want to work.

Quote from: Genzen on November 12, 2013, 03:40:27 PM
Robin, maybe just get some at home cozy clothes that are femme, something soft and comfy?

Thanks... yeah, I do change into PJ's before bed.  Nice fuzzy ones, and it does help some. :)  Just not practical to put on my women's clothes only to have to change them right away because I have to go out to run an errand. 

Quote from: Genzen on November 12, 2013, 03:40:27 PM
Robin, maybe just get some at home cozy clothes that are femme, something soft and comfy?

Good idea! What I do, and I have to point out that I'm self employed, so I don't have to deal with a work situation, is buy unisex clothes. I look for things that would look good on a girl, without being too girly. I wear skinny jeans, and lately have been buying girls jeans (admittedly I'm rather small, But there are lots of tall girls out there!) and crew neck pull over tops that don't look out of place on a guy.

On Halloween at my daughter's school, one of the parents wondered if in was wearing a costume! She thought I was supposed to be Lou Reed (don't ask me why! I sure don't look like him), but I guess it was the CBGB tee shirt and blue nail polish! I told her I was just dressed in my everyday clothes and she said "oh, sorry! You have a very androgynous look". Yes! lol

Things I do that people don't see is my undies and I often wear footless tights under my pants,unless it's hot. At home I wear black leggings. I often sleep in those too.

My 22 year old son lives with me, and doesn't know yet, so I can't dress entirely how I want at home, except when I'm getting ready for bed.   

All these little things makes me feel better.  :)

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 08, 2013, 12:55:42 PM
Genzen, it helped that I assumed I would never pass, and I concentrated on looking the best I could. I resolved to show the world the face of transgender - confident, intelligent, and proud. There are many kinds of women in the world and some of them look like men in women's clothing. Doesn't make them any less feminine, or any less beautiful.

This is 100% True for me too.

Initially my dressing en femme and being out full time this grand year was exhilarating, liberating and like lightning striking.  It was an affirming epiphany and I almost threw every male clothing item away.  Glad now I saved some for garden and trail work.
Further along in this journey I am still thrilled by the ability to wear what I want and feel my girl set free.  Some others, way past transition, note it becomes no big deal and just a matter of fact; ya gotta get dressed to leave the house.  I might take an extra hour now to dress with choices and fun to feel lace, clingy items and more.  For me only an occasional glimpse of the guy I once tried to be remains.  Dressing brings mostly good feelings for this old girl.

Quote from: KaylaH on November 12, 2013, 03:49:16 PM
I've had more than my fair share of trying on girls clothes and having that horrible mood dropping sensation when you look in the mirror.

I get that a lot........I had years and years of T shots before switching to E, so I built up a lot of muscle mass.......hoping I can find a way to fix that as time progresses.

My face is passable I think, but my body definitely not :/ I have the basic shape already, just not proportioned properly.

Time will probably help :)

Kelsie