Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For me -
On a short trip Thursday and Friday my wife and I ate meals at three different casinos in Nevada and California.  We talked to dozens of people and not once was I gendered improperly.  And at each place  when showing my ID to get discounts and club cards I was super pleased to be asked something like "Who's Joe?", or "Is this your husbands ID?".  And near Carson City when I showed my ID to the girl working the guest service desk we ended up talking for at least 5 minutes about the wonders of transition and life.  She said I pass 100%. :)  Yes, I've been working on my voice and makeup, and I haven't worried about anything for months, so maybe I present with careless confidence.  And you know it really doesn't matter what I've done, because all put together it made for two nice days.

When I tell somebody, and they ask the cis girl next to me if she's trans.

Your post brings a smile to my face  :D

Isn't it nice? ... There was a thread all about confidence a couple of weeks ago... it's definitely the key.

And I hope you get your new & accurate ID cards soon :)

As long as you use the dreaded P word you will always wonder, and your own frame of mind wont fit correctly.

AS you evolve you will learn to replace that word with how you present yourself to the world.

From my perspective when people use the P word they are saying they really are not what they are presenting to the world. Instead they are putting forth an image to fool the rest of the world.
Actually my perspective is the same as one of the definitions of the word.

Now to be a bit more specific to your question I will say to you that when your presentation meets what people expect you will stop getting feedback from other people. Mind you that I am more so talking about a presentation on a rudimentary scale, since as you will learn your presentation will be challenged and you will evolve on more detailed situations such as dating, close relationships with people, and many other things.

Ahhh and then finally years after all the dust settles (surgeries done) and your the woman you are there will be this funny thing that happens to a lot of us. We start to second guess ourselves. As I said earlier you no longer have feedback so it can make one wonder at times.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on November 16, 2013, 09:41:31 PM
When I tell somebody, and they ask the cis girl next to me if she's trans.

I'd like that to happen.  But at my age?

Quote from: SammyRose on November 16, 2013, 09:42:50 PM
And I hope you get your new & accurate ID cards soon :)

The court date is December 5.  Applying for a new license and birth certificate on December 6.

Quote from: Katie on November 16, 2013, 09:43:22 PM
As long as you use the dreaded P word you will always wonder, and your own frame of mind wont fit correctly.

.. your presentation will be challenged and you will evolve on more detailed situations....

Ahhh and then finally years after all the dust settles (surgeries done) and your the woman you are there will be this funny thing that happens to a lot of us. We start to second guess ourselves. As I said earlier you no longer have feedback so it can make one wonder at times.

Agreed.  I'll be growing for years, and should have chosen a better way of saying how I live my life. This past summer was a wonderful learning experience with lots obstacles. And even if I negotiated those roadblocks there's always something more ahead.  So I'm waiting for the day I no longer need, listen, look, or expect feedback.  ....   And now you say I have to second guess everything in five years?  LOL   I'll gladly do it.  Thanks Katie.

The day I went to the beach and got hit on while at the concession stand.

When a woman, knowing fully well that I was splitting up with a female who was the biological mother of my children, asked me who the father of the children was.

When I kissed someone (after a couple dates) and he still had no idea. (His response: "Seriously?!?")

That was before I went full time. From that moment on I've just assumed I pass all the time in public. (Although I still worry about appearances)

The first time would have been in my mid-teens when I first started going out en femme and guys were hitting on me left, right, and centre and ignoring the girls I was with. The assurance was in my early 20s, post-op, when I still had guys hitting on me or spent the night with somebody and he still didn't know I wasn't born "normal female".

Quote from: Katie on November 16, 2013, 09:43:22 PM

From my perspective when people use the P word they are saying they really are not what they are presenting to the world. Instead they are putting forth an image to fool the rest of the world.
ourselves. As I said earlier you no longer have feedback so it can make one wonder at times.

I'm confused and maybe not up to date on the lingo, what is the "P" word??


Well, I am not full-time yet but the times that I have gone out, I show my ID and they look at me like really closely, or guys start hitting on me asking if I want something to drink, or when I'm near the ladies room in a bar or club and ladies start lining up behind me for a while, and then ask me if I am waiting. The first time I ever went out, I thought I still looked like a guy kinda and thought it was easy for everyone to see, but at the end of the night, I had to introduce myself and I told this lady my male name and the shock, and look in her eyes, like, oh wow, was enough to convince me that I will do just fine. I was at a bar/club where a lot of trans people go, and she still had no idea.

Went to a restaurant I frequent after about a 3 month absence. 

Hostess (to my wife): "Where's your husband tonight?"

Me: *waves*

Hostess: *jaw drops*

when random guys in school started asking for my number

Love reading these.  They're all great. 

Quote from: Jill F on November 17, 2013, 11:02:37 AM
Went to a restaurant I frequent after about a 3 month absence. 

Hostess (to my wife): "Where's your husband tonight?"

Me: *waves*

Hostess: *jaw drops*

OMG, LOVE IT

Quote from: Ксениа on November 17, 2013, 10:46:46 AM
I'm confused and maybe not up to date on the lingo, what is the "P" word??

Passing

Quote from: Orange Creamsicle on November 17, 2013, 03:13:28 PM
Passing

Thank you!

When out having a dinner recently with my wife and at the end of the meal the waiter spontaneously handed  the bill to her rather than to me.... :)

I haven't totally passed yet, but when I go out shopping  in dress and high heels I'd get a kick out of guy's looking at my legs. Once I was shopping for shoes and a male sales person called to another sales person that this lady needed help. It's a lot of fun to pass.

Agree with others about that dreaded P word...

It often seems to be symptomatic of lack of belief in the reality of your own identity. Which paradoxically is the very thing which keeps many from actually achieving what they are talking about.

However if we accept that being born trans or intersex will involve some degree of anatomical discrepancy, at very least pre surgery, then it is a nice feeling when you get to a point in life when you can look back and realise that you can't recall the last time that anyone questioned you.

Coming up to medical school this year I kind of ruefully admitted to myself that even nearly 30 years post surgery there had to be a chance that some bright student or well informed specialist consultant/lecturer might put two and two together. I am happy to say it never happened.

When we had our tutorial on trans & intersex conditions, the doctor leading the session was at first puzzled that I seemed so well informed, and then frankly completely and utterly gobsmacked, to the point of speechlessness, when I chose to out myself to him and the class, as gender reassigned Partial Androgen Insensitive Intersex, for the purposes of showing them all how easy it is to be prejudiced. Of course none of them had ever expected to find such a person in their own ranks! They know better now...

And as I have still been elected by them as leading student for the year, you can surmise that there is no lack of acceptance. In my recent exams I thankfully scored towards the top of the class, and this despite being rather older than my compatriots.

By the way another word that is used a lot and it makes me wonder all too often. The word is acceptance..........

What the hell is acceptance? Does it mean someone tolerates others being different?

Not to ruffle too many feathers here but if someone wants to be a trans person then I suppose that word acceptance is applicable. On the other hand if someone is a woman then what does the word have anything to do with it?

I choose the latter. I was born a woman. I had to take the long road to become one to the world but I guarantee you I don't ask for special rites, I don't use the word acceptance, I never talk to non trans people about being trans (nor do I disclose this information to them), and I NEVER use the dam P word. Finally I don't even call myself trans anything. Im just another woman..... nothing more and nothing less.

I hope some of you that are women get what I am saying. If your trans then I am sorry if I said something that was offensive......

Quote from: Katie on November 17, 2013, 04:34:30 PM
By the way another word that is used a lot and it makes me wonder all too often. The word is acceptance..........

What the hell is acceptance? Does it mean someone tolerates others being different?

Not to ruffle too many feathers here but if someone wants to be a trans person then I suppose that word acceptance is applicable. On the other hand if someone is a woman then what does the word have anything to do with it?

I choose the latter. I was born a woman. I had to take the long road to become one to the world but I guarantee you I don't ask for special rites, I don't use the word acceptance, and I NEVER use the dam P word. Finally I don't even call myself trans anything. Im just another woman..... nothing more and nothing less.

I hope some of you that are women get what I am saying. If your trans then I am sorry if I said something that was offensive......

Now I agree with you on the p word and acceptance. But aren't you contradicting yourself by saying your not trans and your just a normal woman while being on a website devoted to trans people?

I am simply trying to help some that are on the same path that I was years ago. This is my only point of contact with the trans world. When I sign off I don't think about trans anything I promise.

It is chronically difficult for a lot of transsexual women to learn that most of the problems they face are self inflicted. As hard as it is to learn one hopefully comes to realize that they really are a woman and nothing more...........Finally like any other woman on this planet you must carve out a place in society that you OWN! We just have to do it twice but with the rite state of mind we can own the world. Simple as that!

P.S. I have in years past met some very manly looking ts women. With that said many of them still find a way to carve out a place in society and OWN it.

Quote from: Katie on November 17, 2013, 04:34:30 PM
By the way another word that is used a lot and it makes me wonder all too often. The word is acceptance..........

What the hell is acceptance? Does it mean someone tolerates others being different?

Not to ruffle too many feathers here but if someone wants to be a trans person then I suppose that word acceptance is applicable. On the other hand if someone is a woman then what does the word have anything to do with it?

I choose the latter. I was born a woman. I had to take the long road to become one to the world but I guarantee you I don't ask for special rites, I don't use the word acceptance, I never talk to non trans people about being trans (nor do I disclose this information to them), and I NEVER use the dam P word. Finally I don't even call myself trans anything. I'm just another woman..... nothing more and nothing less.

I hope some of you that are women get what I am saying. If your trans then I am sorry if I said something that was offensive......

I understand what you are saying. But so many of us have lived our lives as a male, and I think that when someone uses the passing word, they want to know if they will be accepted for who they are and that world around them will treat them as such. I consider myself a woman and I am fighting to right what was wronged at birth, but I find myself still asking myself if I will pass and be accepted. More so before because I was really a masculine looking person, but now no so much a I realize that I will fit in, and be able to live a life as a woman like other women tans or cis.

Quote from: Katie on November 17, 2013, 04:46:18 PM
I am simply trying to help some that are on the same path that I was years ago. This is my only point of contact with the trans world. When I sign off I don't think about trans anything I promise.

It is chronically difficult for a lot of transsexual women to learn that most of the problems they face are self inflicted. As hard as it is to learn one hopefully comes to realize that they really are a woman and nothing more...........

Btw I wasn't trying to argue if I came off that way, and I completely understand how you feel. When I think of the problems facing me it's not as a trans woman but what problems I face as a woman in my situation. As surprisingly as far out of the closet I am I really don't think of myself as a trans woman most days now and for the most part the only time I think about is when it's mentioned to me. And I see myself in your position one day where it's all behind me and I don't think about it ever.

And and that leads to another important lesson. Once you tell someone your trans you can never take it back. Strangely it spreads like wildfire I might add.

Simply put when you get to that state of mind where your just another woman you are very likely to regret that OUT state you went through. I cannot say I have ever met a ts gal that didn't go through the out stage....that includes me. The wisdom comes into play that hopefully one learns sooner than later that the longer they are out the harder it will be to just be a woman.

I dare say if you could ask Donna Rose, or Jenny Boylan if they regret writing their books they would say yes. Why do I say that...... because they cant live that normal life. They have ended up putting themselves into a perpetual trans person status. Not something I wanted to do.


Katie

Quote from: Katie on November 17, 2013, 05:06:43 PM
And and that leads to another important lesson. Once you tell someone your trans you can never take it back. Strangely it spreads like wildfire I might add.

Simply put when you get to that state of mind where your just another woman you are very likely to regret that OUT state you went through. I cannot say I have ever met a ts gal that didn't go through the out stage....that includes me. The wisdom comes into play that hopefully one learns sooner than later that the longer they are out the harder it will be to just be a woman.

I dare say if you could ask Donna Rose, or Jenny Boylan if they regret writing their books they would say yes. Why do I say that...... because they cant live that normal life. They have ended up putting themselves into a perpetual trans person status. Not something I wanted to do.


Katie

Your right about the never being able to take it back thing. To be honest I've been too far out there and it's probably going to come back to hurt me in the end. I've probably made a lot of mistakes early on being as open as I've been so far hopefully the damage won't be to far spread and I hope to live a somewhat normal life after this is over.

Quote from: Katie on November 17, 2013, 04:34:30 PM
By the way another word that is used a lot and it makes me wonder all too often. The word is acceptance..........

What the hell is acceptance? Does it mean someone tolerates others being different?

In the context I used it just then it is an education for all those on this site that I frequently read talking about how they perceive that somehow people are automatically prejudiced against them if they know something of their history.

The idea that if you admit that you transitioned then you will always be seen as "other" and treated accordingly.

My use of the word in the context of myself is intended to show that those who talk about admitting difference as an automatic barrier are talking bollocks!

I am someone who does not see myself as EVER having been trans - although I did have a congenital intersex condition.

However I have identified as a CIS woman almost all my life, including my childhood, which thanks to exceptionally wise parents was pretty well gender congruent with my current identity. That said I did have a slightly different medical history to most cis women.

The perception in this community is that admitting to having been intersex (or indeed trans) in the past means that you will somehow never be viewed as genuine in the eyes of others. That is bollocks.

There is also a correspondingly delusional set who believe that the fact that they have a medical history which is different from other women is irrelevant. That too is bollocks. I'm sorry but as someone who grew up pretty well as a girl, albeit one with some physical differences, there are things in my childhood that were different from that which would have been the case had I been male. To the extent that we are partly the sum of our memories I can no more change the effect of my memories on me than anyone else can, and what the nature of those memories are will have an effect on the adult person.

So acceptance has two aspects - self acceptance which frees us to be real and true to ourselves, and the acceptance of others, which is absolutely NOT about someone being "different", but rather a realisation that it is possible to arrive at the same place via two different routes - and neither is more genuine than the other, so that in fact it is about accepting that though people may have arrived on different trains - they are all equally in the same station!

Quote from: Doctorwho? on November 17, 2013, 05:26:29 PM
So acceptance has two aspects - self acceptance which frees us to be real and true to ourselves, and the acceptance of others, which is absolutely NOT about someone being "different", but rather a realisation that it is possible to arrive at the same place via two different routes - and neither is more genuine than the other, so that in fact it is about accepting that though people may have arrived on different trains - they are all equally in the same station!

Damn, I thought you were going to start discussing Einstein's relativity. Never mind, this stuff is far more fantastic!

+++++1

Katie:
You're right about the need for us to have just one being as a complete woman and nothing less.  And you're honestly trying to give us insight that's true for all girls who are learning to be be the woman inside.  But I think there's discourse here with the way you made it sound as though we're making mistakes, and that we're faulty in our claim as women unless we adopt your attitude now.  I know that's not the way you mean it, but so many of us struggled to get where we are, and we didn't ask to be pushed.  I'll get to that CIS woman point someday, but not today, tomorrow, or next year.  And like everyone else I'm a unique individual, and I'll transition on a schedule that's working for me, and it's going to be different from any other girl here.

So, I started this tread with the good intentions of hearing what some of the great things girls discovered about looking, living, and being a women in transition.  I didn't request a lecture.    Sorry to say it this way, but your posts are coming across as though we are failures.  I am not a failure, because there's success in every morning I get up and live as the woman I am for that day.  I'm just growing.

Take care Katie.  I have work to do, and I'll check in later. 

I make no apologies for my direct points here. My words are for the small few people here that are more about action and less about talking.

This is all very nice, I just thank god I'm finally transitioning

Quote from: Katie on November 17, 2013, 05:51:48 PM
I make no apologies for my direct points here. My words are for the small few people here that are more about action and less about talking.

In short, walk the walk and and not just talk the talk. I used to be one who talked, talked, and talked, and never acted. Look now. :)

My work uniform is male. When out and about I'm still gendered as female, that works for me.

this evening, I went to renew my car insurance.

They never saw me, this morning I called and on the phone they gendered me female, so
I went there in drag.

"I am the lady who called this morning..."

"Yes, ma'am,", the girl asks, "have you brought the papers?"

She looks at them: "Excuse me, ma'am, who is XXX (my male name)? Is he your husband?"
"Actually it's me, I have not yet my ID changed"

She looks at me "Sorry!".

:angel:

"not a problem"  ;D

The day I knew I passed. The nurse on that day had asked me to show some visiters to the room where they were holding a birthday party. She had used my male name. The lady visiting looked at me funny and said "We are to follow her and her name is xxxxx?" When I was showing them where to go she then said to me "You really need to change your name."
It was then that I knew I passed.

I thought about what Katie was say over night and I have to agree with her .This is who you are. You don't need someone else's acknowledgement that you are who you are. Not everybody looks like kiera Knightly ,but does that make you less. What are you suppose to do if you don't ' pass'. stop existing ?

And it feels good to help a small number of people.

Quote from: Katie on November 18, 2013, 02:47:21 PM
And it feels good to help a small number of people.

Hi Katie.  I've calmed down. ... You did let us know what's expected in this life, and you're not at fault for that.  But like you, I'll also stand by what I said.  Like most of the girls here I'm living something new, and doing what's necessary to be a woman without question.  And don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

Take care. 

Quote from: evecrook on November 18, 2013, 02:27:27 PM
I thought about what Katie was say over night and I have to agree with her .This is who you are. You don't need someone else's acknowledgement that you are who you are. Not everybody looks like kiera Knightly ,but does that make you less. What are you suppose to do if you don't ' pass'. stop existing ?

I'm not sure I even like the term "pass", as it implies its opposite-"fail".  Nobody says, "I went out in a cute dress last night and totally failed as a woman."  I think I like "blend in" much better. 

Hi,

So what does it imply  if you dont pass or blend in.what then ,  your passed over, side stepped avoided , not wonted not part of a group or best of all ignored or seen as a misfit, or plain weird,

what about,   you dont look like a female thats only for those of us who are female born, you look more masculine or ... or .... and on it goes,

No i dont pass or blend in and ...NEVER... will. fact of my life from age 10 and i knew then, and now at over 66 years of age, well lets just say i am a female who is a woman, and that ...IS...ALL... that matters,  wether i look right or not is of no concern ,

So if you dont have confidence  or selfworth or self esteem and know who you are,and ...LOVE.... your self,  and cant live a life that allows you to be who you were born as,  then nothing else really matters , does it,wether you pass or not,

get rid of the mind set of you have to pass or blend in it does not matter wether you do or not,

as most know im a member with a membership of over 1000 people, im not put in high positions because of my how i look or dont , im there because our people wonted me to be with them and work with them,and to take charge of what my rank allows , they dont care if i wear my skirts or overalls makeup or none they just dont care  if you wont to pass all well and good that is not what being a person is about or you have to look like a female or male its about  you accept your self first then have acceptance from others,

i go to our many meetings over the last few weeks some 200 people all know who i am if any dont they soon do.

If my acceptance was based on how  i look i would not be a member of any of our groups , okay , so what sort of life would i have , not much ,people  would not wont to be around myself ,

just had a week end with our Renaissance group some 40 members as it was near the end on sunday quess what about 9 of our group came up to me put thier arms around me gave me a lovely hug , that i did not expect from 3  guys and said it was lovely to be around  you and had a great time, many know im intersexed some dont and did it bother them , >>>>>  NO  <<<<< why,   because thay accept myself the way i am and for who i am.  so if one does not get what im saying  then iv said nothing of value ,

...noeleena...