Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've wanted to be a woman for forever, For a long time I rejected the notion so I did everything I could do to be the least femmine guy I know. Now that I've accepted and started the transition process, I want to act more like a woman, but right now I find myself acting like a guy by default.

My question is did acting like a woman come easy or did you have to learn to act like a woman?

Part of my breakdown last year was fueled by the fact I couldn't stand acting like a guy and participating in dudebro culture anymore.  It was really all a carefully orchestrated act on my part that had become ingrained and turned into second nature. (And the Oscar goes to...)

I never even allowed myself to dress as a woman until a year ago.

Once I was able to finally admit to myself that I am indeed transgender and need to transition fully, losing the guy front was easy.  I just acted like what came naturally- doing the same things that got me ridiculed and beaten when I was a kid.

BTW- not all women act super girly either.  My wife was always far more masculine than I ever was.  She orders at restaurants and drives when it's the 2 of us.  It's been this way for over 20 years.

I dunno I mean act however you want to be...transition isn't about /acting/ like anything. A woman doesn't have a prescribed set of behaviors...just be yourself. If you're ready to embrace the feminine stuff you never let yourself do, then I understand. But learning how to embrace your femininity is not the same as "acting like a woman".

Most things came naturally in childhood to me, but were repressed when called out on them. Now, at University, I feel I can express myself better, and not have to worry too much about what other people think at a university of 48,000 students, and the majority of my classes large lecture halls of at least 80 people.
Let yourself and that male expectation go for a while, you'll see you'll revert into your natural feminine state, whatever it is. In short, just be you :)

Quote from: AuroraSTL on November 17, 2013, 02:47:25 PM


My question is did acting like a woman come easy or did you have to learn to act like a woman?

You might be very early in the transition process.  ???

You might still be under the control of a fake male self, and you don't realize who you are yet.

"Old you" will slowly, and in my case, very slowly, disappear. You become your suppressed self.

When you first find yourself spontaneously talking like a woman, then you will be like, "Whoa", "old me" would of never said that, and the joy of becoming yourself will become overwhelming. Your interests may change. I was brainwashed into thinking being with guy was sick, and now I dream about having a boyfriend all the time.   

I never felt like a guy, even when I was trying to play the part. I naturally can't even walk like a guy because of my wide hips! I end up either waddling or lumbering around like an awkward ape when I try. xD So I can't really relate to acting like a guy (maybe something in between). However, I can't say I naturally play the part of a woman either. Some things have come naturally like the way I talk and express myself (voice aside), and to some degree my mannerisms. Thought processes are probably similar too, though if I had been female all along I'd probably be considered tomboyish. I think the hardest thing to get used to though, is my appearance. I hardly know how to dress as a guy, but it's still sometimes easier to dress like one by just throwing on a t-shirt and jeans. So I'm in the process of learning all the necessary skills to put myself together like most women do, because it was never taught to me by my mom or any of my female friends growing up. And so for now I dress like a guy as a crutch, and because I need to lose some weight before buying a whole new wardrobe, lol!

Don't worry so much about presentation yet. Let your true self come out first, get acquainted, and then the rest of the acquired skills will come in time. :)

One thing I have suggested in the past is to spend some time in shopping malls and watch how woman interact with each other and with men. It I different and you will pick up cues. This is not so much 'learning to be a woman' but learning how to socialize as a woman, and I think that is important.

Quote from: Jill F on November 17, 2013, 03:20:05 PM
Part of my breakdown last year was fueled by the fact I couldn't stand acting like a guy and participating in dudebro culture anymore.  It was really all a carefully orchestrated act on my part that had become ingrained and turned into second nature. (And the Oscar goes to...)

I never even allowed myself to dress as a woman until a year ago.

Once I was able to finally admit to myself that I am indeed transgender and need to transition fully, losing the guy front was easy.  I just acted like what came naturally- doing the same things that got me ridiculed and beaten when I was a kid.

BTW- not all women act super girly either.  My wife was always far more masculine than I ever was.  She orders at restaurants and drives when it's the 2 of us.  It's been this way for over 20 years.

Jill your post totally resonates with me in detail and your understanding explanation succinctly captures just how easy it is for some of us to finally say good bye to the guy front.  What a relief!

Still there is a learning curve involved that has typically been repressed too long.  Especially if we did not "allow" for much before, we often have some catching up to do? 

Aurora I hope one of your principles will be to find your most authentic self and be the girl you love and admire rather than a cultural stereotype dictated by others.  Try dancing to your own tunes. ;D

Quote from: AuroraSTL on November 17, 2013, 02:47:25 PM
I've wanted to be a woman for forever, For a long time I rejected the notion so I did everything I could do to be the least femmine guy I know. Now that I've accepted and started the transition process, I want to act more like a woman, but right now I find myself acting like a guy by default.

My question is did acting like a woman come easy or did you have to learn to act like a woman?

Several issues here:

1. Habits: I had to learn how to hold myself, how to move, in such a way that I didn't out myself. This took practice (which got me some weird looks while I was male presenting...) I'm not very kinesthetically gifted, so this came hard.

2. Emotional and Social: This came natural. I think my emotional makeup has always been very female, so I blend in very well amongst women.

3. Presentation: I still haven't mastered fashion and makeup. I'm sure my outfit has at least a half dozen faux pas. But fortunately there are a lot of cis woman with the same problem, so it doesn't out me.

I practiced standing, sitting and moving in a feminine manner.  I did a lot of work on my voice.  I tried to learn about clothes but I didn't seem to get anywhere.

Now the "old man" has gone and I'm just me.  The practice probably did help, and I still have more work to do on my voice.  I choose clothes that I like and sometimes people compliment me on my style.  I feel it does become more natural, but it takes time.

A lot of my own transition has involved discarding the inappropriate behaviours I learned to mimic whilst growing up, so that my natural behaviours can now shine through. But there are some things you need to learn that you were not taught whilst growing up.

Quote from: Cindy on November 18, 2013, 12:48:54 AM
One thing I have suggested in the past is to spend some time in shopping malls and watch how woman interact with each other and with men. It I different and you will pick up cues. This is not so much 'learning to be a woman' but learning how to socialize as a woman, and I think that is important.

This is excellent advice, and whilst doing this, make sure you pay attention to social cues such as pet names. In my neck of the woods, men call each other 'mate' and women call each other 'love'. Calling someone the wrong pet name can out you very easily. Look at how women in your area greet strangers (such as shop assistants) and get into the habit of doing it the same way. How do women behave around their friends? Or around the kind of people you might want to date?

Notice women's body language: you'll see they tend to look at other people's faces a lot more than men do. They tend to use defensive gestures when out in public, such as crossing an arm across the chest to hold onto the handbag. They try to make themselves look smaller, whereas men try to make themselves look bigger. Believe it or not, they even carry shopping baskets differently than men do.

When in discussion, they generally talk about different subjects than men do. If you want to know what sort of things they talk about, eavesdrop on their conversations when you're standing near them, such as in supermarket queues. You'll notice that they generally try to keep the conversation on equal footing, instead of the typical masculine behaviour of trying to dominate the conversation. You could also pick up a variety of women's magazines and look at the topics on offer.

But please remember: these are just stereotypical female behaviours. Women are varied and can be very feminine, very masculine or somewhere in between in their presentation and behaviour. Every woman has to learn to become her own woman.

I had always believed I was/should have been female and tended to confuse people (adults) when I was a child because I did not behave as a boy would be expected to behave. When I began living part time in the female role in my teens, nobody ever suspected anything different and by college I was unable to pass for a boy no matter how I dressed so I guess part of how I carried myself was always more typical of girls. At transition (24) all I had to do was drop any pretense and just be myself and that came across so convincingly that it was never questioned.

I did know that I was lacking the socialization that other girls had from childhood so I immersed myself in a world of women for the first few years and stayed away from male influences. That helped me develop my own personality, my own version of womanhood if you will that arose from being a woman among women. Only in later years did I start to branch out and pursue some less traditional interests and by then it was in my own unique feminine way.

Quote from: Jill F on November 17, 2013, 03:20:05 PM
Once I was able to finally admit to myself that I am indeed transgender and need to transition fully, losing the guy front was easy.  I just acted like what came naturally.

I have found that as I am going through my transition the old male mannerisms are beginning to fall away and my natural female mannerisms are replacing them. I was walking on the sidewalk the other day in girl mode and I suddenly realized with shock that I was walking in a narrow line with one foot in front of the other and had my knees together instead of splayed apart like a guy does. I'm sure I had the hip sway thing going on too - and it came naturally; I wasn't even thinking about it.

Jill - I noticed the other night that your movements are quite femme!  :)

For myself, I didn't practice or even try...the one thing I did "learn" (perhaps "realized" is a better word) is that my male mannerisms were the "act" that I'd learned over the course of my life.

Once I started transitioning I realized that I could stop with the über-male nonsense (such as standing at "parade rest", having a stern look on my face (if I wasn't being stern, I had a frown), walking like I had a stick up my...backside, etc) Each time I deliberately stopped these learned behaviors, my natural inclinations came out...and the more that came out, the more I realized I had deliberately suppressed those behaviors because of a real fear of being beaten up if I appeared "girlie."

Transition starts when one realizes that the body does not mandate what the mind is...and one then says, "So you mean I can change...?" If the answer is "Yes!" inside your soul...*ting* you're on the path.

Like the time last month just after I had a very encouraging visit to the clinic.  The manager of the flats where I live said she had seen me walking along the road "with a feminine swagger".  I'm not sure quite what I was doing, but it was because I was feeling so pleased with myself.  Perhaps I was rocking my hips like a much younger woman.  (Note: I still have the same skeleton I had as a man, and a man's hips aren't supposed to rock that way.)

Quote from: Eva Marie on November 18, 2013, 01:27:37 PM
Jill - I noticed the other night that your movements are quite femme!  :)

Thanks Eva!  It's always nice to hear such things.

With apologies to Dr. Seuss-

I am femme.
Femme I am.
I did not want to be a guy.
It made me want to scream and cry.
I will one day sport a perma-grin.
When they turn my unit outside in.

For me, it was more about unlearning things - or realising I don't need to act like that any more..

Quote from: MaryXYX on November 18, 2013, 06:08:50 PM
Like the time last month just after I had a very encouraging visit to the clinic.  The manager of the flats where I live said she had seen me walking along the road "with a feminine swagger".  I'm not sure quite what I was doing, but it was because I was feeling so pleased with myself.  Perhaps I was rocking my hips like a much younger woman.  (Note: I still have the same skeleton I had as a man, and a man's hips aren't supposed to rock that way.)

My hips have always rocked.. It's one of those things I just couldn't stop..

Quote from: Kelly the Post-Trans-Rebel on November 18, 2013, 10:21:23 PM
My hips have always rocked.. It's one of those things I just couldn't stop..

I can't walk like a guy even if I tried lol. I feel like I can't balance if I do. Sometimes I wonder if I have Klinefelter Syndrome or something, to account for my hip width.

Quote from: DianaPeña on November 18, 2013, 10:43:11 PM
Heck, I'm a girl, and I go rock climbing, mountain bike riding, knife-throwing, log-splitting, etc.

You'd easily pass up in Maine! xD

Try acting like an Okapi, most people will not understand what you are doing, this will throw them off and help you understand that the only purpose of acting is trying to convince someone you are something you are not, but you remember what that was like though?
ok , humor aside, Pretty much what the other gals said. but I would add this, make friends with a FTM transgender guy, a frank conversation (lol, see what I did there) can help each of you explain the absurdity of overcompensation so you will realize when you are trying too hard. One of the things that we carry with is the over compensation, if you over compensated as a guy chances are you'll male fail your girl mode too.

Quote from: Mercédes on November 19, 2013, 01:14:25 AM
Try acting like an Okapi, most people will not understand what you are doing, this will throw them off and help you understand that the only purpose of acting is trying to convince someone you are something you are not, but you remember what that was like though?
ok , humor aside, Pretty much what the other gals said. but I would add this, make friends with a FTM transgender guy, a frank conversation (lol, see what I did there) can help each of you explain the absurdity of overcompensation so you will realize when you are trying too hard. One of the things that we carry with is the over compensation, if you over compensated as a guy chances are you'll male fail your girl mode too.

I do try to be as graceful as any giraffe like animal but, seriously, I feel you make a great point Mercedes.  I previously worked overtime to act like something of a man and it seems little advantage to me to now work overtime or overcompensate on this journey to a personally congruent gender identity.  When well meaning advice about what I should act or look like gets too shrill I reply, "You are welcome to become the girl you want to be" ;)  Feeling authentic is critical to me and I am very happy to have a unique look.  Diversity is an essential feature of evolutionary survival on this planet.

Quote from: Mercédes on November 19, 2013, 01:14:25 AM
the only purpose of acting is trying to convince someone you are something you are not

I understand what you're trying to say, but isn't so much social interaction, a form of acting, of putting on the face that you want people to see?

For me, I think getting the gestures and body movement to become natural, REALLY helped my passability.

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 19, 2013, 12:56:05 PM
I understand what you're trying to say, but isn't so much social interaction, a form of acting, of putting on the face that you want people to see?

For me, I think getting the gestures and body movement to become natural, REALLY helped my passability.

For me the face people see is my face, be that my actual face or my net presence, I don't try to say things. I say things. I don't try to pass, I either do or I don't. I gave up on image manipulation in favor of cultivating a true image. what people see is dependent/limited by their own minds. and I've found the energy I used to exert on consciously editing my own mannerisms was better spent on consciously emulating positive personality traits of people I respect and love, just so happens those people are predominantly women. And in that spectrum there are so many variants to narrow them down to the one quintessential woman archetype seems absurd to me.

This has been the hardest lesson for me.  I'd repressed the woman within for so long, wearing a male persona like an ill-fitting suit until I couldn't take it anymore.  So, what did I do?  I overcompensated.  Instead of showing my real face to the world I worked hard (so hard) to study and learn and internalize mannerisms... so much so that my fiancee finally asked me, not too long ago, if transitioning was about becoming who I really am, then why was I working so hard to put on a show for the world to see?

It was a (really) hard lesson for me.  Since then I've been working on just being myself.  I still monitor myself, but now it's mainly for the little warning signals my "male" persona gives me.  If I notice I'm holding back from using hand gestures, I remind myself to let go.  If I notice I'm trying to hide, pose, or whatever, I do my best to interrupt it.  The funny thing is, the less I try to *act* female, the more I just *am* who I am, the more the world gets my gender right (and the more confused looks I get when presenting male, but that's another story ;))

I was talking to an old friend just last night, who was asking questions about my plans for transition.  At one point my old shell prodded me, saying, "Warning: your wrists are loose and you are gesturing too much!".  I was able to ignore that, but it did cue me to analyze more things about myself.  To my surprise, my eyebrows were slightly up, my eyes were slightly wider, and I was standing with one leg half bent and one hip out ever so slightly, a pose I have seen so many CIS women adopt.  It kind of blew me away.  And I wasn't even trying, I was just *being*.

It takes time, Mary, but you'll get there, just like I am. 

*hug*

Quote from: Robin Mack on November 19, 2013, 03:16:39 PM
This has been the hardest lesson for me.  I'd repressed the woman within for so long, wearing a male persona like an ill-fitting suit until I couldn't take it anymore.  So, what did I do?  I overcompensated.  Instead of showing my real face to the world I worked hard (so hard) to study and learn and internalize mannerisms... so much so that my fiancee finally asked me, not too long ago, if transitioning was about becoming who I really am, then why was I working so hard to put on a show for the world to see?
...

Ding, Ding, Ding! oh your words made me see my own predicament so much clearer. thank you!
I know what you are saying. And the hard part is making the connection between our current behavior and our past. I tended to overcompensate as a guy. my continual feelings of inadequacy and struggle with "getting it right" was tiring, and all along I felt that I was sabotaging myself. I was, or at least my stifled feminine side was. now the self sabotage comes from the other direction using the same technique, as if my feminine side learned bad survival techniques from my male facade. and my guy aspect starts sabotaging me when confronted, or scared.

Aurora, I am hoping you can see my responses to your question for what they are. just my solution, what has worked for me. I see my fellow trans sisters dealing with the very same problems, stemming from the same common root. Where we came from and where we are going, and what we chose to take with us and what we need to leave behind. And it's tough. but remember where you are going is your happy place, and that journey is supposed to be fun. And at some point you'll be so caught up in the fun you won't even notice you passed the turn off for happy, and you won't even care.
I wish you a safe and pleasant :-* journey.

I'm not sure about myself? I've always been feminine in the way I speak, walk, sit, etc... it just seems normal I guess. My hardest part is acting all male if forced into the male mode.

However I sure need help on the best makers of purses, dresses, shoes, etc. I went shopping with a good woman friend last week & she knew the designer/tags on dresses so much better than I did. It was embarassing that I did not know many of the brand name dresses at all.

So I guess we always have a lot to learn.

   

Quote from: FrancisAnn on November 19, 2013, 06:08:12 PM
I'm not sure about myself? I've always been feminine in the way I speak, walk, sit, etc... it just seems normal I guess. My hardest part is acting all male if forced into the male mode.

However I sure need help on the best makers of purses, dresses, shoes, etc. I went shopping with a good woman friend last week & she knew the designer/tags on dresses so much better than I did. It was embarassing that I did not know many of the brand name dresses at all.

You have such a head start, girl-friend!  Having a CIS woman friend who is in on your transformation can be so incredibly helpful.  Just keep shopping with her; you'll pick up on things fast!  :)

And it's so encouraging to hear you are already ahead of the game with speech and mannerisms.  *hug* 

Robin,

Thank you, that was so sweet, however I have a long way to go to ever physically become a normal woman with a normal body/SRS.

Most women are very nice if you open up to them. They love to shop & most love having a new girl friend to talk with about life. I've always had lots of women friends that understand. We talk about life, shopping, men, sex & just everything normal for us woman.

Please have a very nice day GF.

I'm still hoping I can find a way to resolve my issues without having to adopt a female social role.

One if the crazy things I've noticed is the fact that I pretty much have a permanent scowl, and a super tightly furrowed brow.  I've stopped furrowing my brow and the world looks brighter, literally.

Quote from: Robin Mack on November 19, 2013, 03:16:39 PM
This has been the hardest lesson for me.  I'd repressed the woman within for so long, wearing a male persona like an ill-fitting suit until I couldn't take it anymore.  So, what did I do?  I overcompensated.  Instead of showing my real face to the world I worked hard (so hard) to study and learn and internalize mannerisms... so much so that my fiancee finally asked me, not too long ago, if transitioning was about becoming who I really am, then why was I working so hard to put on a show for the world to see?

It was a (really) hard lesson for me.  Since then I've been working on just being myself.  I still monitor myself, but now it's mainly for the little warning signals my "male" persona gives me.  If I notice I'm holding back from using hand gestures, I remind myself to let go.  If I notice I'm trying to hide, pose, or whatever, I do my best to interrupt it.  The funny thing is, the less I try to *act* female, the more I just *am* who I am, the more the world gets my gender right (and the more confused looks I get when presenting male, but that's another story ;))





I was talking to an old friend just last night, who was asking questions about my plans for transition.  At one point my old shell prodded me, saying, "Warning: your wrists are loose and you are gesturing too much!".  I was able to ignore that, but it did cue me to analyze more things about myself.  To my surprise, my eyebrows were slightly up, my eyes were slightly wider, and I was standing with one leg half bent and one hip out ever so slightly, a pose I have seen so many CIS women adopt.  It kind of blew me away.  And I wasn't even trying, I was just *being*.

It takes time, Mary, but you'll get there, just like I am. 

*hug*

Robin, you make some great points !

I got to thinking and I'm still a young student . Alas, i'll be 64 in December . I came up in a time when transgender people were routinely locked up in Mental institutions and administered Electro Shock Therapy. I nearly was a subject myself . had I not been quick on my feet having the "JUS RIGHT " answers , I probably would have too.

I mimic what some women call Business attire . I observe women all the time and do my best to find a comfortable combination of posture and mannerisms . Several who know me have tried to help for which I'll be eternally grateful . ellen