Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Six months since SRS passed a week ago. I wish I could say that I was feeling great, or even better about my body, but I'm not.

At this point, I'm happy that surgery brought me the peace of mind that comes with security in my HRT (never again will I have to worry that my doctor will take it away or let me run out because they don't see harm in either) and being able to have all of my ID match (my state requires surgery to update the gender marker on ones driver's license.) However, I'm sad that my body feels less right than it used to and I feel a sense of dysphoria that I never had before.

Quote from: Agent_J on November 21, 2013, 08:59:14 AM
Six months since SRS passed a week ago. I wish I could say that I was feeling great, or even better about my body, but I'm not.

At this point, I'm happy that surgery brought me the peace of mind that comes with security in my HRT (never again will I have to worry that my doctor will take it away or let me run out because they don't see harm in either) and being able to have all of my ID match (my state requires surgery to update the gender marker on ones driver's license.) However, I'm sad that my body feels less right than it used to and I feel a sense of dysphoria that I never had before.

(((Hugs))) I had some misgivings about that myself at the last moment as I had my pre-surgury consultation with Dr. Bowers, after asking a lot of questions I opted out. ( yes I can cluck like a chicken!)

There's nothing wrong with doing that.

In retrospect, I would have pushed more to move a couple years ago. My wife refused because she believed that doing so at that point would kill her career and I yielded to keep our relationship together.

I think it is list time -- One column for your pre-op expections, and another column for how the surgery has met or failed those expectations.  Then a trip to your GT with the list to make a new one on how your life is to go on from this point.

At 10 months post I am feeling relief that I did not expect great things from my surgery even though I did go through with it. My body feels OK, but no better in many senses, and a little worse for the post op care routine inivolved. Now that the body issue is resolved for one part of my body, I can go on to the rest of what needs to be or even might be done.  Mostly though I am looking at what to do with what I now have to make the most of the remaining 20 to 30 years (when I will be in my 80s to 90s) I have of my life expectancy.  SRS does not cure anything!!  The stories I hear about that myth would chill Hell itself.  Maybe my bio clock has smoothed things out as far a some dysphoric issues such as bearing children or having a young life marriage experience.  I have flashbacks of the pre-op and even pre realization years, and instead of wondering why it took so long to get here, I wonder why I did it at all at times.  I have no regrets (other than at my 36hour post stage) that I did this, but too too much was not resolved by SRS and now needs real life on life's terms to go on.  SRS is NOT a magic trick or even a ticket to a fun ride.   

Pretty honest comments here, love you ladies for being that way too! I suppose that we can say that in a sense our transition goes on until the day we pass away as we grow into who we are and how we see our world and interact with it.

I presume "GT" is "Gender Therapist." I don't see her anymore as I don't trust her. I do have a different therapist but don't feel able to talk to him about this. Maybe I will in time.

I didn't expect SRS to be a magical solution to things other than the things I listed that it would solve - end the heavy pressure to have SRS exerted by my HRT providers (seriously, it was nasty at times) and fulfill the state's gatekeeping of legal ID (even with the SSA eliminating the surgery requirement my state continues to enforce it.)

I didn't expect to be less comfortable with my body. I also didn't have a good idea of what to expect, e.g. complete numbness of my labia, clit, etc. I had known about them but my transition professionals (therapist and endocrinologists) insisted that was archaic information - it only happened with older techniques that the likes of my surgeon (Brassard) do not practice. It wasn't done to inform me but to convince me to have SRS as they were invested in preventing me from being transitioned but non-op (at one point, two years ago, I considered my transition completely finished - I did not need or want SRS, BA, or FFS. My then doctors were not pleased by that and used my HRT access to convince me to change my mind.)

Quote from: Agent_J on November 21, 2013, 02:26:37 PM
end the heavy pressure to have SRS exerted by my HRT providers (seriously, it was nasty at times) and fulfill the state's gatekeeping of legal ID (even with the SSA eliminating the surgery requirement my state continues to enforce it.)

I didn't expect to be less comfortable with my body. I also didn't have a good idea of what to expect, e.g. complete numbness of my labia, clit, etc. I had known about them but my transition professionals (therapist and endocrinologists) insisted that was archaic information - it only happened with older techniques that the likes of my surgeon (Brassard) do not practice. It wasn't done to inform me but to convince me to have SRS as they were invested in preventing me from being transitioned but non-op (at one point, two years ago, I considered my transition completely finished - I did not need or want SRS, BA, or FFS. My then doctors were not pleased by that and used my HRT access to convince me to change my mind.)

There seems to be some bias against non-op girls amongst your providers. Awful.

Have you consulted your surgeon about the numbness? What did he say?

Old age does catch up with me sometimes, I do remember reading about some of your mis adventures in another post, but did not connect when I said what I did above.  I certainly agree that there is too much pressure put on many people to opt for surgery, even more now that I have had it.  I know that for me it was the right decision, but what I have experienced so far has actually given me a greater respect for those who "just say no" and move on with their lives.  We do in fact have a caste system stacked against the non-op folks in many areas.  I have however told several other posties to use that idea for a dilator and leave it up there!!

I am not numb by any means, but the myths of what I should experience are the sort of thing that could keep my lawn green.  It was nearly six months though before any of my sensations started to mean anything to me that I could identify with the proper tissue structure such as labia or clitoral hood.  Touching my clitoris still (at 10 months) gives me only the presssure sensation, which I suppose could become identified with eroticism, but mentally I am not there yet since I touch the thing with toilet paper every trip to the bathroom.  I identify any touch just now with sanitation. PERIOD.

If you have total numbness in the entire area, and Brassard was your surgeon, he needs to be told about it, and asked if there is anything he could do, and I know a girl for whom he did get the areas back to operation, but it took her several months beyond the revision surgery to become fully operational. 

Oh yes, GT = Gender Therapist.  I can now understand your problem there better.

Quote from: Agent_J on November 21, 2013, 02:26:37 PM
(at one point, two years ago, I considered my transition completely finished - I did not need or want SRS, BA, or FFS. My then doctors were not pleased by that and used my HRT access to convince me to change my mind.)

So, they said if you remained non-op they would cut off your HRT meds?  I wasn't aware doctors had the power to do that.  And they pushed you to have SRS, BA, and FFS?

Quote from: JordanBlue on November 21, 2013, 11:10:29 PM
So, they said if you remained non-op they would cut off your HRT meds?  I wasn't aware doctors had the power to do that.  And they pushed you to have SRS, BA, and FFS?

That could be a malpractice case. At the least, I think it would be unethical.

I'm not a lawyer, medical person, or even a snot-nosed kid. I'm just spouting off a thought.

Quote from: Vicky on November 21, 2013, 10:25:56 PM
We do in fact have a caste system stacked against the non-op folks in many areas.  I have however told several other posties to use that idea for a dilator and leave it up there!!

Seriously! Years ago, around the time I was part of the staff here (I was a chat moderator,) I was active in the non-op forum (as active as I ever am) and the "concern trolling" was awful! "Have you thought about X situation? It will be impossible to navigate without SRS!"

QuoteIf you have total numbness in the entire area, and Brassard was your surgeon, he needs to be told about it, and asked if there is anything he could do, and I know a girl for whom he did get the areas back to operation, but it took her several months beyond the revision surgery to become fully operational. 

The idea of revision surgery terrifies me. I don't think that mentally I can deal with that, at least not at this time. I might feel differently if and when I win this battle with clinical depression (it began nearly two years ago, after my E dose was slashed.)

Quote from: JordanBlue on November 21, 2013, 11:10:29 PM
So, they said if you remained non-op they would cut off your HRT meds?  I wasn't aware doctors had the power to do that.  And they pushed you to have SRS, BA, and FFS?

They carefully stayed away from directly saying that, but it was always hinted. Lengthy questioning about things that simply wasn't their domain of concern, e.g. exactly how I dressed on a daily basis, remarks about how I should be planning for SRS, etc. However, the official reason for all of the HRT changes was that I was a high risk patient, particularly for DVT. It's BS - when I started this I was 33 and in good health (I'm now 39 and in good health.) In addition to the constant dose adjustments (on average my E dose was changed once per quarter for the three years I was on HRT pre-op) I regularly had problems with them being overbooked - they would want to see me in three months and I'd try to book that as I was checking out of the appointment but they were already booked solid for 1-4 weeks longer than the target - and they would *not* extend my prescription to cover the gap due to the DVT concern. Running out of E regularly isn't fun and I wanted that to end - I knew that post-op that behavior could not be justified.

They (and this part includes my therapist) did clearly feel that SRS was mandatory but did not support their patients having BA and FFS. I got a lot of rhetoric from them about how the long-term risks of BA and FFS for trans women are unknown, etc. Reading between the lines, "it's too dangerous."

I've written this before but to save you from having to dig through ancient posts, my providers were very critical of the fact that I wasn't a hetero femme woman. I didn't do skirts and heels (though I now do sometimes,) rode motorcycles, and identify as lesbian, all of which were matters for which I received criticism from my therapist and first two endocrinologists.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 21, 2013, 11:28:39 PM
That could be a malpractice case. At the least, I think it would be unethical.

I'm not a lawyer, medical person, or even a snot-nosed kid. I'm just spouting off a thought.

I understand that there isn't much to be done on that front, though I have filed a complaint with the state board about my first endocrinologist's requirement for regular orchidometer exams as a condition to (continue to) receive HRT. It's an unnecessary genital exam which, for many of us (myself included,) is triggering as hell. A dear friend pointed out that unnecessary genital exams are sexual assault, which helped me deal with my feelings about it. I also know that she requires it for other patients.

I only have my own recollection of the conversations at the appointments for most of it, though my wife did attend a few, including the one in which my first endo asserted that adding an anti-androgen would not do anything and that nine months on a very low E-only dose (it was less than the Endocrine Society's guideline minimum for pre-op treatment) producing no physical effects proved that I was one of the individuals for whom no HRT dose would ever be effective.

For the record, I finally got HRT that began to cause physical changes just under five months before I had SRS and I had SRS four months short of five years since starting therapy for this round of transition (I had previous, failed attempts to transition going back to when I was nineteen, in 1994.)

It takes some time to get used to the change. SRS is not a panacea or cure-all for many issues. You have to learn to love yourself for who you are and what you are. This is key. No amount of surgery can do this. You need to cross this divide yourself. SRS will help with some changes, like seeing the wrong parts in the mirror, bathroom issues, legal docs, intimate times, getting a job, etc. But it doesn't make you any more or any less of a person. I had the same sort of anti-climatic period... Cool... SRS is over with... now what?
:-\

Part of my trouble is that I now see the wrong parts in the mirror and didn't before SRS. Put another way, SRS made me less comfortable with my body.

Quote from: Agent_J on November 22, 2013, 10:02:47 AM
Part of my trouble is that I now see the wrong parts in the mirror and didn't before SRS. Put another way, SRS made me less comfortable with my body.

There aren't any do-overs hon, try and make the best of it and just be yourself. As long as you are healthy and everything works as it should, count your blessings and don't allow it to be the defining point of your life.  ((hugs))

Quote from: Shantel on November 22, 2013, 10:14:36 AM
There aren't any do-overs hon, try and make the best of it and just be yourself. As long as you are healthy and everything works as it should, count your blessings and don't allow it to be the defining point of your life.  ((hugs))

Very wise and prudent advice. +1.

I know there aren't. It's merely a statement of fact; trying to pretend that it isn't so - that I'm not worse-off after SRS - does nobody any good.

I have to say this is unlike any other story here I've ever seen.  In a way, it almost sounds like you were coerced into having SRS.  I can't even imagine that, and then not being happy with the outcome?  Not even sure what else to say...

Quote from: JordanBlue on November 22, 2013, 04:06:36 PM
I have to say this is unlike any other story here I've ever seen.

Unfortunately, there have been people here who have told similar stories before.

At this point I'm struggling to keep myself together emotionally, and trying to keep my relationship in tact as any physical closeness is painful.

Quote from: Agent_J on November 22, 2013, 10:19:47 PM
At this point I'm struggling to keep myself together emotionally, and trying to keep my relationship in tact as any physical closeness is painful.

Hang in there honey, don't allow a sense of despair to overwhelm you, ((Hugs))