Susan's Place Transgender Resources

        Thank you all for taking the time to read my posts and respond. I now realize that a big part of the problem here was created by my ignorance about the transgender culture and my assumptions based on very little knowledge. I apologize to those of you who I offended and commend those of you who accepted me even though you may have been offended as well.
        I realize the way I started out may have been a little abrasive. I am an intense person and sometimes when I do things I act on pure emotion. I am like a kamikaze (A Japanese pilot trained in World War II to make a suicidal crash attack.) I go in full speed ahead and then wonder why I am getting my ass kicked. My confusion about transgender people and my own sexuality further complicated things. I really wasn't sure what I wanted but like I said I felt drawn to you.  Or I should say drawn towards your pain and your ability to survive it.
        Because of the abuse I suffered as a child I have a high tolerance to pain. Sometimes I think I intentionally put myself in painful situations because it's the only way I can feel anything. Or it may be that I am drawn towards and may even create painful situations because it feels normal to me. It's like the wife who is getting beaten by her husband. She keeps coming back to him and nobody understands why. It's because it is a familiar situation, she knows what is going to happen and she knows how she is going to deal with it. It's the unknown that scares the hell out of her. For me, you are the unknown.
        The bottom line is I don't really care if you have a vagina or a penis. Let's put the whole sexual thing aside for now. What I realize now is I was drawn to your pain because for me it's something I know. I felt comfortable because I knew if you understood that pain then you would understand me. Most people in the world are superficial and never deal with this kind of pain. They think they understand but they don't.  I hate talking to people like that because they just minimize your experience and want to put on rose colored glasses and pretend you don't exist.
         People who have suffered have empathy. I learned many years ago that I am an empath or empathic. It's sort of like someone who is psychic except instead of seeing things I feel things. That is what I meant when I said I was being drawn towards the transgender women in the thumbnail pictures on web sites. The picture only showed a face and there was no way of knowing if it was a transgender or not and yet I kept clicking on the picture who was the transgender and I was curious but also confused by this attraction.
        Although I must say that my intuition was correct because the people I have found here are intelligent and thoughtful with depth and compassion. That is what was drawing me here, empathically I felt a connection.

Hi CaliforniaAdmirer,
I am sorry if you encountered hostility while trying to understand and be understood. My favorite Monty Python quote: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." I would rephrase it differently, "Nobody expects the Transgender Inquisition."

I am glad you have stuck around.

When I was still male presenting and male-identified, as a straight male feminist, rape survivor, and sex abuse survivor, I sometimes triggered, and drew the hostility of, people who were a lot like me but who were projecting their perpetrator onto me because of my appearance, words, or sex. I was familiar with this, since my sisters and mother were victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, and before they got better they spent many years reacting to me and my perceived maleness and resemblance to my father, often taking my words or actions out of context and tearing me a new one because they "knew" what I was really thinking.

Five years ago when I began to get in touch with the memories of my childhood and teen years, including sex abuse, rape, and spiritual abuse, I had to go through a long healing process that finally let me get my panic disorder and PTSD under control and on the mend. For a while I was seeing bad guys and bad girls behind every bush and lurking in every internet post... literally.

My heart goes out to you for the things you suffered, and promise you that it keeps getting better and better. You won't always be haunted by that stuff, and it won't always affect your relationships and your life.

In my case, I had spent more than 3 years remembering and healing from the traumas of my youth, when I finally could pass through the wall of pain that led to rediscovering the full and authentic person I had been before I shut me down to survive and conform for all those years. I learned that I had a giant secret I had been keeping from myself (and the world), a precious female soul that I had locked away from the world to keep her (me) safe in a set of circumstances that nearly killed me.

I don't know if you will discover at the end of your recovery rainbow, a self that is female like I did, or just a loving heart that is capable of understanding and loving all people and yourself. But good luck in your journey of healing and discovery.
-Maddie

CA, I'd honestly like to help you figure yourself out and in turn help us understand you better. And it would help a bit more if you could post more often and respond to individual posts. Anyway, what I would like to know is, why transsexuals? There are a lot of people that go through pain, and for many it's pain that more closely resembles your own. So is it just the visibility of transsexuals in porn? Or is it perhaps the knowledge that we're a whole category of people that suffer and deal with pain, so you assume you can relate with us?

Quote from: CaliforniaAdmirer on November 23, 2013, 01:24:13 PM
What I realize now is I was drawn to your pain because for me it's something I know. I felt comfortable because I knew if you understood that pain then you would understand me. Most people in the world are superficial and never deal with this kind of pain. They think they understand but they don't.  I hate talking to people like that because they just minimize your experience and want to put on rose colored glasses and pretend you don't exist.
         People who have suffered have empathy.

C.A., it seems like you value bluntness, so I'll be blunt.

Your explanation sounds like a rationalization. If you're fascinated with Trans people, great. I'm happy to educate cis people about my experience.

But as to whether we attract you because of our pain, ask yourself why you don't hang around cancer survivor sites or seek out accident victims with permanent disabilities. They have it way worse than a lot of us do.

And as for people having empathy, or being intelligent and thoughtful, well there are a lot of people on this site who have those qualities. There are also people here who are ignorant and petty (though the mods straighten them if they can). We're no different from any population.

An interesting exploration why you find us fascinating (which doesn't bother me at all), but I really don't think you found found the answer yet.

Quote from: Ashey on November 23, 2013, 03:50:45 PM
And it would help a bit more if you could post more often and respond to individual posts. Anyway, what I would like to know is, why transsexuals?

In addition to this, your board activity to date shows you've spent all your time in 'General Discussions.'   If you honestly do want to understand trans* people & their experiences, you might consider venturing out a bit.  Empathy ain't gon' take the place of education. 

Quote from: Valerie on November 23, 2013, 07:43:23 PM
In addition to this, your board activity to date shows you've spent all your time in 'General Discussions.'   If you honestly do want to understand trans* people & their experiences, you might consider venturing out a bit.  Empathy ain't gon' take the place of education. 

Board activity stats are just for posts.  It doesn't show what posts he's read or anything.  Best not to presume he's not just reading and learning without adding anything to the site.

I wouldn't make an assumption like that....but there are two sections, one for posts & activity....I figured the 'activity' section was browsing activity?  Because last time I checked my own stats the two had differing stats....  Correct me if I'm wrong...

This is basically what Sarah7 has said but I wrote it up already before she posted so I'll post it anyways,

The post section is ranked by number of posts you have made in each section.  The activity section is ranked by the percentage that your posts make up of the total posts in those sections.  That's why most people's activity section is topped by a member's blog even if it isn't their own.  Or in my case, a newly added section.  I certainly haven't spent a lot of time in the non-transitioning section, especially since it is pretty new, but I have made a good percentage of the few posts that are there so far.

I stand corrected, and enlightened.

C.A., my humblest apologies for posting out of ignorance.  Now carry on all, lest this be a total derailment...

~V.

What did the Dalai Lama say when he got orthopedic shoes?

Quote from: Valerie on November 23, 2013, 08:15:37 PM
I stand corrected, and enlightened.

Just trying inject a little humor. It's been pretty intense in these threads. :)

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 23, 2013, 05:32:20 PM

But as to whether we attract you because of our pain, ask yourself why you don't hang around cancer survivor sites or seek out accident victims with permanent disabilities. They have it way worse than a lot of us do.

    I tried to explain this in my first post. Your pain is unique in that you are making a transformation and in order to make that transformation you have to go through a painful process of self discovery and accept that you are not what you thought you were.
Here are two quotes from the first post.

    "I think most Transgender women who have gone through such a transformation have experienced lot of pain in the process of making that change. I'm not talking about physical pain I am talking about emotional and mental pain. The process of discovering and accepting that you are not what you were told and believed you were but, something else.  I too have been through this process but, for different reasons. The feelings of loneliness and abandonment are very powerful and can be extremely debilitating. You are not accepted by society and therefore you are some kind of freak. You are an oddity with no value to mankind. Accepting that and getting past it without committing suicide is a huge accomplishment. But, once you survive that you are not done.
You must go through a death; a death of the self and your perceived identity. At some point you have to completely lose yourself so that you can find this other person and connect with him or her at your core. It cannot be a superficial connection it has to happen at the very center of your being. This can be absolutely terrifying but it must be done if you are to find your true self."

        "Eventually, I did have to process that pain and lose the identity that was forced upon me when I was very young. I think more than anything else this is what attracts me to transgender women. I know they have been through an extremely difficult process and not only can I appreciate that but, I can honor it as well."

I hope this helps.

Peace

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 23, 2013, 05:32:20 PM
C.A., it seems like you value bluntness, so I'll be blunt.

Your explanation sounds like a rationalization. If you're fascinated with Trans people, great. I'm happy to educate cis people about my experience.

But as to whether we attract you because of our pain, ask yourself why you don't hang around cancer survivor sites or seek out accident victims with permanent disabilities. They have it way worse than a lot of us do.

And as for people having empathy, or being intelligent and thoughtful, well there are a lot of people on this site who have those qualities. There are also people here who are ignorant and petty (though the mods straighten them if they can). We're no different from any population.

An interesting exploration why you find us fascinating (which doesn't bother me at all), but I really don't think you found found the answer yet.

People experiencing different things in life, have different types of pain. The hurt that one experiences during childhood abuse is not the same kind as chemo/radiation, mortality issues, etc. If CA feels drawn to us and believes it is because of a shared experience (since he, and many of us have been traumatized)...it's best to not dismiss or diminish the claim.

Self-worth is very hard to come by post-childhood trauma.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 25, 2013, 10:38:52 PM
Self-worth is very hard to come by post-childhood trauma.

So true, thanks Beth for validating me.
Some days I feel that I have value and others I feel like a worthless piece of Sh*t but, those day are becoming fewer and fewer. I just need to remind myself that those are the messages that somebody else put in my head and they are simply not true. It can be difficult at times because those messages are like little recordings in my head. Something triggers it and the message plays. Sometimes I don't even realize it I just accept the message as truth and I begin to spiral downward. Before I know it I am in a deep depression that lasts for two weeks. Somebody can say some stupid little thing about me, maybe they are just joking around but, it will trigger this depression. I am now better at recognizing it and I'm able to to stop it after a day or two. This has been a huge accomplishment for me, from two weeks of depression down to two days! This may not seem like a big deal to some but, it has taken me thirty years to get to this point.

Peace

Good morning. Yours was the very first commentary I read in this forum and it inspired me to join as a member. Regardless of the varied reactions to your original post, it was well written and clearly thoughtful consideration was given to it before you decided to post it. I realized at that moment that if that type of informed, in depth post was representative of the type, diversity of opinions and quality of discussions members engaged in that Susan's Place was indeed someplace special of which I would like to be a part. Of course, I respect everyone's opinion and reaction to your original and subsequent posts. A healthy, open debate is never a futile effort or a wasted opportunity to educate one's self, or to expand one's horizons. Thank you.

Hi Iris, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs.
Mariah

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