Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi all, just wanted to express how I find it weird that the way we experience our ->-bleeped-<- is so different. Not weird in a bad way, but in an interesting way.

When did you first realise you were trans? How up did it make you feel? How long did it take for you to come to terms with it?

I thought I'd share my story and let others give their input if they feel comfortable writing it!

Basically, I'd always felt girly. As a child I loved animals, and became a vegetarian at age 5 because I felt sorry for them. I've always been an emotional person and could cry at the stupidest things (I'm scared that HRT will make me blubber non stop!) Playing as a child, I always wanted to be the female character (queen with a long dress etc) and did typically girly things such as gymnastics and playing with dolls. However, that said, I did have an obsession with cars, trains and other boys things. I find it really confusing haha. Anyway, when I got to my teens it started have strong romantic feelings for girls, and slight sexual feelings for boys. It has always been pretty confusing for me, and I've never really understood my sexuality fully. Anyway, I always remember seeing beautiful female celebrities on TV and thinking "wow, I'd love to look like that and have people tell me I look beautiful", I'd suddenly feel really ashamed about having these thoughts, which fuelled my depression. I would go on games such as the sims and make a female character to represent me, it felt so good, not at all in a sexual way but in a "this is right" way.

When I came out to my parents they weren't particularly surprised, as my mum was aware as a child that I would always sit down to wee (I still do). She mentioned that at one point I said "mummy, my willy is weird, I don't want it" (don't remember but kind of funny).

My experience is that all my adult life, I've wished I could be a woman in the worst way. In my mind, that was that, since I knew I never could. I lived as a male best I could, though I never felt comfortable with my life. I never had the urge to crossdress or express a feminine appearance. I never thought I was transgender, because I didn't "feel" like a woman, only wanted to be one.

I found myself only comfortable with close female friendships, enjoying media and books meant for women and fascinating with everything female.

When I began exploring my gender, I still didn't recognize myself as MtF transgender, but I hatched a plan to "pretend" I was, so I would be allowed to transition and live as a woman. I now know I am MtF transgender, and I've been living full-time as a woman for five months. But I still don't feel like a woman. It still feels like I'm pretending so that I can keep living as a woman because it is so much more natural, because it's how I've always wished I could live, and because it is indescribably wonderful to see myself as feminine.

I really envy transwomen who grew up with the absolute certainty that their gender is the opposite of their birth sex. I can't imagine what that would feel like.

I am one of those who knew from earliest memory my body was not right for my mind, mannerism's and interest's. I was really happy and outgoing and loved life a lot. Then as my mannerism's became apparent to my adoptive parents I was forced to undergo years and years of intense therapy and programming to be the good little alpha dog I was "supposed" to be. What this did after a while was kill all basic human emotions such as happiness, freedom of expression, empathy and joy in life. I assimilated into a VERY alpha dog career of Paramedic/Firefighter and spent the next 28 years constantly avoiding detection as "different" and never straying from my programming. I spent more time and energy being a text book Alpha than I realized. It became such an overwhelming task that at one point I was actually outed as being a male by a dispatcher who noted the my huge effort to be one of the guys. Weird, huh? You will never know the effort it took not to physically injure my co-workers when the were disrespectful to or playing games with women. I hated the whole thing and could do nothing about it without attracting the wrong kind of attention. I know, you probably think "what a coward". The programming was just that strong and has made therapy very difficult because they have to de-program me just to find a base line of my real personality. No one knows yet why the programming has failed now, but I am taking advantage of it to transition and deal with it once and for all. I honestly say I could not have started this journey without accidentally finding this family. I never knew I could ever be who I really am. HRT has brought a whole new flood of emotions I have never felt before and I like it a lot even though it is new and scary. Sorry this was so long, the flood gates just kind of opened up.

I didn't know anything about gender dysphoria or hormone replacement or anything. I was completely in the dark for a long time. I thought I was sick in the head, like it was a mental illness or a perversion. I hated myself for it. The word "abomination" rattled around in my head a lot.

After breaking up with my high school sweetheart at age 23, she moved out and I was left alone with my thoughts and feelings for the first time in my life. It had been managable up to that point, but it suddenly got a lot worse. My internal dialogue would always run to the same conclusion. I'm sure you can guess what that was.

My best friend had done just that a few years earlier and I saw what his mother went through. I couldn't do that to my family, so I swallowed the pain and drowned it in alcohol. My life consisted of two things: drinking, and lying on the couch with a pillow over my head imaging a life I could actually live. I couldn't live my own. I couldn't even leave the house. I couldn't look another person in the eye. As far as I knew I was broken. My brain was broken.

Over the years I went numb... and cold. I didn't have any feelings left by my 30s. Just emptiness. But the girl in my head was still there. She was always there. When I finally learned that I wasn't alone in this, that there were other people who felt the same way I did... It was like I had been locked in a dark room all my life and suddenly there was a glimmer of light shining down on me. Like, am I actually real? Can I live? I had almost forgotten.

Quote from: NatalieT on November 25, 2013, 08:06:17 PM
How long did it take for you to come to terms with it?

Not long. In a way it kinda validated my existence. Learning that I'm trans meant realizing I'm actually okay. I'm not Frankenstein. I'm just another transgender person.

That was actually a much more profound realization than it sounds. The fact that all of you are here basically means to me that I get to live too. So I guess it didn't take me long to consider trans people "my people" and start feeling very protective of my tribe.

GD sucks. What trans people are put through sucks. But being trans is kind of a badge of honor, in a way.

Our souls are deeper, and the light places glow and the dark places gloom more intensely than the rest. We suffer because we're extraordinary. It's our gift and our curse.


Sorry if I'm all over the place. I'm feeling pretty moody right now. ::)

I have known since I was 4. I have always known and nver denied it. It's kinda hard for me to e ven try it is such a part of me. But I have also always looked like a girl so that didn't help. I don't really get what people mean by "i came out to myself." but it prolly isn't for me to get it just is. I have wanted to do something about since age 12. Now I'm 31 so but late then never but I basically startwd transitioning 10 years ago just with no HRT. I dressed dykish. Dated a lesbian and worked as a womans mag editor. It was prretty much the most female job you could have. I wrote about fashion, beauty and pregnancy and the joy of motherhood. Something I'll never have.

I was very good at denying it to myself for a long time. Since puberty I kept telling myself that everyone wished they were born as someone else, it didn't really mean anything. And since I grew up in a fairly backwards part of the country being too girly was not a good thing, so I quickly started building up a facade to hide behind. I didn't really know I was hiding behind anything until I 20 years later had to remove all outer layers to find out who was really buried on the inside.

Other signs that I tried (and mostly succeeded) to ignore completely:
Being jealous of female singer's voices
Looking at girls and thinking "couldn't I have been born with her shoulders instead of mine?"
Always hanging out with the girls at parties because I couldn't understand the guys
Feeling really empty whenever I wasn't allowed to join the girl's gang at parties
Never really understanding sex. "That's what I'd be expected to do? Why? I don't get it"

I knew I was transgendered when I was 20, after repressing it throughout my teens. Bits slipped through the cracks until the dam burst and it all flooded out. It started with the feelings and memories I had repressed, then it went into dressing up with my friends, going out in drag a few times, and just having fun with it. But after about a month of that, I sat down with my best friend at the time and told her I had to do something about it. I couldn't just put it away again, especially after the surreal elation I felt going to this big outdoor festival dressed in drag and feeling pretty and feminine. So I made a pros and cons list with her about transitioning, because somehow I had gained the knowledge about that stuff in the seven years since I repressed it. ::) The pros won out and I came out to the rest of my friends, couple years later my sisters, and about 4-5 years later my parents. In the time I didn't tell my parents, I mostly wasted it, and lived vicariously through online avatars and game characters. This wasn't fully satisfying but it was something to keep me distracted, and I had many interesting social interactions with people who assumed I was a girl or knew I was trans. Some good, some bad. But I knew I wanted to transition, I just had no financial stability until the past couple years. When I moved out I emailed my mom. I should have started around then, and I did look for a clinic, but they said I needed a letter from a therapist and I just kinda sat on my hands for a while not knowing what to do about it. Finally my girlfriend at the time pushed me, and I found a therapist through the local LGBT center and finally got that ball rolling. :) So yeah, I wasted a lot of time being scared of reactions, even though I knew right along that I wanted to transition.

I was a very good looking male with fine features and small feet and only 5ft7ins. My whole family are drop dead georgeous - my sister was voted the most beautiful in our City and and wife won it the next year. Didnt know there was a third gender (BTW they will take a population census in my city and it will have 3 genders - M, F and Transsexual for the first time). We are a very wealthy established family. So 3 wives and 4 children later I discovered who I was- a transsexual Had a long therapy session of two years, difficult to really accept as I was a true Alpha male, it was all one big act though. Now 8 months plus on HRT I would never go back - this is me, even though i'm still in stealth mode. I see alot of Alpha males who are transsexual in the forums so there is one possible common thread.

Quote from: Jillian on November 25, 2013, 10:24:53 PM
I didn't know anything about gender dysphoria or hormone replacement or anything. I was completely in the dark for a long time. I thought I was sick in the head, like it was a mental illness or a perversion. I hated myself for it. The word "abomination" rattled around in my head a lot.

After breaking up with my high school sweetheart at age 23, she moved out and I was left alone with my thoughts and feelings for the first time in my life. It had been managable up to that point, but it suddenly got a lot worse. My internal dialogue would always run to the same conclusion. I'm sure you can guess what that was.

My best friend had done just that a few years earlier and I saw what his mother went through. I couldn't do that to my family, so I swallowed the pain and drowned it in alcohol. My life consisted of two things: drinking, and lying on the couch with a pillow over my head imaging a life I could actually live. I couldn't live my own. I couldn't even leave the house. I couldn't look another person in the eye. As far as I knew I was broken. My brain was broken.

Over the years I went numb... and cold. I didn't have any feelings left by my 30s. Just emptiness. But the girl in my head was still there. She was always there. When I finally learned that I wasn't alone in this, that there were other people who felt the same way I did... It was like I had been locked in a dark room all my life and suddenly there was a glimmer of light shining down on me. Like, am I actually real? Can I live? I had almost forgotten.

Not long. In a way it kinda validated my existence. Learning that I'm trans meant realizing I'm actually okay. I'm not Frankenstein. I'm just another transgender person.

That was actually a much more profound realization than it sounds. The fact that all of you are here basically means to me that I get to live too. So I guess it didn't take me long to consider trans people "my people" and start feeling very protective of my tribe.

GD sucks. What trans people are put through sucks. But being trans is kind of a badge of honor, in a way.

Our souls are deeper, and the light places glow and the dark places gloom more intensely than the rest. We suffer because we're extraordinary. It's our gift and our curse.


Sorry if I'm all over the place. I'm feeling pretty moody right now. ::)

You are awesome. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I needed to hear that. :)

I knew I was different when I was between the ages of 5 and 6. My sisters and mom would paint their nails and I would fight tooth and nail to get mine painted. It's about that time I would rummage through the closet and try on clothes from my sisters' and our cousin's cheer leader uniform that we had for some odd reason. That made me feel feminine! Even though I was confused on the way I was treated differently from my sisters, I figured there wasn't much of a difference between girls and boys until I had 'the talk' about the birds and the bees. Talking about periods and wet dreams, wet dreams TERRIFIED me and periods seemed as normal as grilled cheese sandwiches. I didn't cross dress that often during this time, I was more interested in just having fun being a wild kid. Big issues like gender identity didn't impact my life until puberty hit. At that young age, I didn't think I could ever become a girl. One of the first memories of the possibility was a commercial I saw just once on TV. A middle age guy walked in a machine similar to the one on The Fly, and came out and he was a hot chick. I thought "Wow! I would LOVE to do that!" Soon after, I went back to playing with our massive lego collection.

When my legs started growing hair more prominently during 7th grade I started shaving it. I stopped wearing shorts to hide my shaved legs from my family, I was terrified what they would say. Still continued to wear my sisters' clothes in private, sometimes I didn't even put them back but hid them for myself. From this time on through high school, I would cross dress quite often and maintain shaved legs. I was in conflict. While I cross dressed in private to ease the internal battle, I was the withdrawn kid failing at school. I didn't apply myself because I didn't see the point. I'd say I was highly depressed during high school. I couldn't (and to a degree, still can't) be social with others because I felt like I was lying to everybody. Lying about being a guy, lying to myself about being a girl. I had a huge desire to present myself a girl. I came out to my mom during high school, and that didn't go the way I wanted. My mom used my actions as a kid to justify my maleness, things my sisters didn't do. Said we could get therapy, as long as it was church provided - NO WAY IN HELL! After that, I withdrew further into myself. It was all I could do.

With all my internal frustrations and no known outlet to express myself, I put all that negativity into white nationalism. That lasted for most of high school and year after when I didn't do anything but wallow in my self hatred. Obviously, I no longer identify with that 'movement' if you could ever call it that, and am deeply grateful I came to terms with my transsexuality and learned to embrace it. I'm out to both sisters, and the one friend I actively have. Mom has yet to know I am still transgender and plan to transition. What she does is in the air, but there's nothing that'll stop me from finding my happiness. To become the woman I've always been, to be the mother & wife I've always dreamed.

I first realized I was trans at about 11, even though I've always been aware that I wasn't like other boys. I didn't have a name to match what I was feeling I just knew something about me was off. I used to clip hair styles off different women in magazines and put them over my 6th grade student pix. I did a lot of other odd things up until the age of 15 when I first went outside as a girl.

I didn't feel bad once I noticed something was different. In all honesty I liked who I was just not what I was. I thought I was just gay for a long time because I didn't know any better. But living as a gay boy seemed to not be it either. I was to articulate, emotional, and feminine. I would trade different girl clothes with my bff, I'd buy makeup from the store and practice the application in the bathroom, When I went to the mall I always looked through the girls stuff and tried to modify my look as much as a 16yr old could at the time. I was already going out with friends in full female attire by 16. When ever it was time to take it all off and go back to reality it always made me sad.

It didn't take long to come to terms with it. But it did take 29 yrs before deciding to seriously start transition after starting and stopping at 18.

I was a bit extreme I guess because I started life with total conviction that I WAS a girl, was pretty typical for a girl, and it was obvious to the adults from the time I was VERY young that there were going to be problems. I picked my female name at about age 4 and it took until age 8 to put any cracks in my identity. From age 8 to puberty I was simply unsure what I was and when my body didn't cooperate at puberty, I was desperate to find medical help to fix my body. I had heard about Christine Jorgenson and knew it could be done. I first heard the term transsexual about age 14 and was diagnosed by Dr. Benjamin at age 16. At 17 I started HRT and had SRS at 24 (1974) as soon as Dr. Biber opened his practice in Colorado. I was the standard narrative for "complete psycho-sexual inversion" in the 1960s and 70s.

When I was 14 one of the older boys at school rode past me and one of the few friends I had on a BSA motorbike with his girlfriend on the  back.My friend wished he was  the boy on the bike,I wished I was the girl with long blonde hair streaming  behind her,arms round his waist.I'd always felt different and wanted to be a girl and knew one day I would somehow.I cross dressed and wore make up from 13 onwards,hated having boy's haircuts and sports.I realised no one must ever know my secret and covered up by being a  brat from hell.I started drinking at 13 and skipping meals and cutting,got into a ton of fights,my Dad offered me £5 if I could go a week without fighting(a lot of money for 1972) sure enough I never got it.I became a caricature of a man a badass hard drinking dope smoking speed taking pool playing biker with a string of girlfriends(and flings with boys) who drove muscle cars.I fooled very few people when I came out,so many had seen through me.When I was 21 I realised I was transexual after reading a newspaper article  and it wasn't going away.I lost myself in booze and dope for the next 10 years I lacked the confidence to transition feeling I would look like a monster.I eventually got HRT,electrolysis and started to live part time in role in 1990 and went full time the next year.

When I was about 4 or 5 my family went to a beach on a little island west of Perth for the day (yes, Rottnest Island, for my fellow Aussies). Before we caught the ferry back to the mainland we had a quick shower to get the sand and salt off. I still remember so clearly having to go with my father to the mens' block while my mother and younger sister went elsewhere. It was possibly the first time I really experienced gender segregation and I really hated it. I was scared and somewhat freaked out by all the nude dudes in that shower block, my god it was like a wall of willies! For me my gender dissonance is triggered most strongly by segregation and I've tried my utmost to avoid situations where I'm going to be compelled to follow those stupid rules. Hasn't always worked - I was forced to go to a boys' high school and feelings of segregation were essentially at the core of my February meltdown (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,153035.msg1269615.html).

In my case being an Alpha male was over compensation at it's best. I don't think more Alpha's are trans, just doing what they have to do to appear as normal and well adjusted as they can. This was true in my situation. Maybe I was also trying to exorcise my gender demon and match my exterior. It was a miserable failure though. Gender Dysphoria is more of a monster than Godzilla and can't die!

I'm pretty amazed by everybody's comments . You all have gone through the same thing as me. Starting from the age of 4 to present. Hiding that incredible secret. That secret caused so much pain. I always thought I was so alone with this thing. I'm very happy to have .started to heal that incredible wound. It's pretty interesting how absolutely all your stories are so close to mine. I started at 4 cross dressing with my sisters clothes in the dark so nobody would know. I was extremely introverted through grade school and high school. never talked to anyone until junior year of high school. I felt so different from every body . Any time there was a story on tv like police officer dressing as womon to catch criminals my brain would kind of explode. I had a pretty extreme case of cross dressing from 4 through grade school ,high school college and beyond. I thought about transsexuals since high school. Puberty was hell. I tried to stop the pain by cross dressing more. My family Knew about my secret ,but never confronted me about it, except for a weird comment from my grandmother once about wearing a blouse. After high school I did a lot of lsd to try to stop the pain of being so in the wrong body. It just made my dysphoria incredibly worse. I basically totally lost my penis mentally. Mentally I haven't had a penis since then. I've had quite a lot of psychotherapy mostly because of the lsd. I was never really able to talk about my gender problem until recently. I've got a good accepting therapist now  through this change.

Quote from: evecrook on November 26, 2013, 10:19:19 AM
I'm pretty amazed by everybody's comments . You all have gone through the same thing as me. Starting from the age of 4 to present. Hiding that incredible secret. That secret caused so much pain. I always thought I was so alone with this thing. I'm very happy to have .started to heal that incredible wound. It's pretty interesting how absolutely all your stories are so close to mine.

I agree, there seems to be a great deal of similarity of experience.

What is also amazing is the near universal feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt, which for me keep rearing their ugly heads :(.

Are these unwanted feelings a normal product of social conditioning?

If so, how long do they take to dispel, or is it a forever battle?

My wife keeps telling me to get over, she is so lovely  :angel:

At the moment I'm feeling on top of the world because I've managed to slay my dragons  :), but if the past is anything to go by they will resurrect again  :(

Although i didnt 100% know i was different at a young age, i was definetely more girly than a normal boy. I didnt realise at the time, and it really wasnt something that effected me massively! But i definetely wasn't a typical boy. I used to hate doing boyish things, and i used to dream of a machine that would turn me into a girl! I played with both boys and girls toys, and i had both boys and girls as freinds! I used to cry more that a typical boy would, but i think my parents thought that was just normal!!

I used to dress as a girl a lot when i was younger, however i remember when i was about 7ish, i was at my grandparents house and i was dressed in a dress! my dad came to pick me up, and went mad! :/ that i thnk was when i sort of thought that this isnt a "normal" thing for a boy to do! and so i started just confiding to social norms!

When i reached high school, i just felt so jelous of the girls and i used to daydream alot about being a girl and going through puberty as a girl! i wanted to look like a girl and i wanted to dress like a girl!! It was at this time, that i started crossdressing, and would feel so great as a girl, just to feel a great feeling of shame soon after!
Also at this time my sex drive started developing, and i think for quite some years i just thought that what i was feeling was some sort of perverse fetish, and just thought i was a transvestite!

When i got my first job at 15, i started buying my own womens clothes! only to throw them out soon after, after persuading myself that this isnt normal, and that i was just a transvestite, and i thought that i could control these feelings if i didnt have any womens clothes!!

Uni was perhaps the time i started to realise that this isnt just a fetish, and its a bit more than transvestism! St this time, it was 100% clear that i wasnt like all the other "lads". i studied civil engineeriing, and just found it hard to fit in with the boys on the course! i lived in a house of girls and just felt alot more comfortable around them! I was still throwing clothes away on a regular basis, in the hope that i could control these thoughts! However the pain i was feeling was becoming more and more, and i felt like the ugliest human on the planed! i would leave nightclubs early as i just felt so ugly! It really was in my last year of university that i started to realise that im a transexual!!

After uni, i found a job 300 miles away from the family home, and started to experiment with my transgendered part of my personality. And just felt so good going out and walking around as a woman, like its a natural thing and i dont have to try! It felt like it was just who i am!! :)

So that takes me to the present day! I came out to some of my best freinds about 2 months ago! and ive been seeing a councellor! I move into my new flat next week, with a housemate that accepts me, and i will be living as a woman!!!

im really happy, and am so glad that ive come to terms with being a transexual!!

Its taken 25 years for me to realise, but i just think that gender has always been something that ive questioned to some extent!
I just never thought that i could possibly transition and become a woman! But now ive started the adventure, its becoming something i realise i can do, and something i feel that i need to do!

There is only one path for me now! and im gonna follow that path, until im a happy woman!! :)

Zoe
X

 I was always a girl since childhood. In the first grade I thought I was a girl until the teacher told me I was a boy & needed to sit with the boys. I dressed, painted my nails, wore my mother clothes & did every thing normal as a girl my entire life thru junior high & senior high. My parents "caught" me lots of times & my mother was ok with it, she took me to some doctors & I told them what I felt & they just said it was a stage that he will grow out of. My father was not happy at all & tried his best to make me a man. I had several sexual encounters with boys during junior & high scholl as quiet as possible. It felt very good being a girl for these boys. I left 1 week after high school & went off to college.

Numerous attempts to live full time as a woman, acquired HRT whatever way I could. I did "drag" shows at gay clubs just to dress & be normal. (very little sex since I was scarred of any disease) I looked very good & felt very good when a woman. Hated a male job with a stupid coat & tie however it was the only way to make decent income.

Fast forward. Now I'm age 55 & finally maybe settled in on normal HRT & Fin for hair loss for the past 3 months, I just started electrolysis for facial hair, living full time normal 90% of the time. I look fair however I'm older & sure not as pretty as I was in my early years. I may have a face lift after my facial hair is removed.

The question is will I finally stay on track to become a total woman?

I'll never be a "pretty" woman. 5' 9", weight 190 pounds, small feet & hands, nice face, but not much hair on my head, what their is very fine. I have to wear a wig to look feminine. I have some relatives that I ignore because I cannot seem to tell them anything. I'm open to some old friends but not many. My electrolysis lady is great, she sees a beautiful woman behind all the facial hair. I miss being with a man & have considered dating again even before my SRS if I ever get approved. I'm nervous about blue cross blue shield insurance. I have no idea what happens if any doctor reports my gender issues & use of HRT. I cannot lose BCBS health coverage. Financially secure & I do not have to work for anyone ever again.

My life story so far & I have no idea what the future holds for me.  Become Francis 100% or what/who?

it's  pretty interesting on pseudo scientific basis that both FTM and MTF have this common linkage through this creature called dysphoria but are personal stories have a multitude of variations and sometimes not. 

I never hated myself for it. I was always comfortable with feminine things and some boy things. My parents were really unusually accepting so they didn't much meddle, although father always encouraged me to be a traditional man and when I went 24/7, called it a phase. He was a little angry, but nothing abusive. Mostly he was disappointed. Though accepting, my family was very traditional about gender roles. I agree with them about the value of traditional gender roles, I just started out as the wrong gender.
I find it interesting too. Many people seem to reject anything traditional. I'm your basic  knitting, sewing, cooking, baking, scrubbing, cleaning, laundering housewife who prefers to work in jobs for females if and when she works. I want a husband who makes the decisions and is stronger than me. A husband who defends me and keeps me out of trouble and makes me feel his, a husband I can look up to. it makes me happy. Really.

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 25, 2013, 08:30:17 PM
I now know I am MtF transgender, and I've been living full-time as a woman for five months. But I still don't feel like a woman. It still feels like I'm pretending so that I can keep living as a woman because it is so much more natural, because it's how I've always wished I could live, and because it is indescribably wonderful to see myself as feminine.

Hiya Suzi.  I really wonder what feeling like a woman actually means.  I've heard a few people say this.   What is the difference between feeling like and man and feeling like a woman?  Truly I don't know if such a thing exists.  You just are.  And if it's more natural to you to present and live as a woman, isn't that all the justification that's necessary?

My favourite phrase for this:  "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck."   You¡'re a duck now.  Quack!



Hugs
Julia

I have been girly since I know. At age 4, I played with girls only and wanted dolls and princess castles for my birthday's but my parents wouldn't give me. So I managed to ask for couples so I could have the female figure and also playmobil toys. By age 9, all my friend were girls but then my parents enrolled me in a Catholic school. Then when I was 14, I had an emotional breakdown for all the bullying and social exclusion I was suffering. I also never cross-dressed in my childhood, and have a pretty high voice, no beard, no sex drive, so I probably have low testosterone. Sometimes I think that's related to me being trans.

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 22, 2014, 03:35:42 AM
Hiya Suzi.  I really wonder what feeling like a woman actually means.  I've heard a few people say this.   What is the difference between feeling like and man and feeling like a woman?  Truly I don't know if such a thing exists.  You just are.  And if it's more natural to you to present and live as a woman, isn't that all the justification that's necessary?

My favourite phrase for this:  "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck."   You¡'re a duck now.  Quack!



Hugs
Julia

I'm not sure, either. At my first therapist appointment this week, I was asked if internally I felt male or female and couldn't really come up with a simple answer to it because all I know is what it feels like to be myself, with nothing else to compare it against. Though your post wasn't directed at me, I appreciate your reassurance on this, as I've been questioning my own feelings and judgment a lot in the past few days. I guess it's something we just have to learn to deal with.

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 22, 2014, 03:35:42 AM
Hiya Suzi.  I really wonder what feeling like a woman actually means. 

I'm referring to the certainty that many feel that despite the shape of their body or the configuration of their chromosomes, that they are most definitely female.

I've found trans people who say they had this feeling even as a toddler.

I've never had that feeling.

Does that answer your question?

Hi Suzi

It certainly does clarify it.  For me it's a collection of fragments and "evidence" that have lead me to my realisation. 

I certainly don't feel envy, since so many of our sisters who did know from very young had a terrible time dealing with things. 

Julia

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 22, 2014, 09:25:33 AM
It certainly does clarify it.  For me it's a collection of fragments and "evidence" that have lead me to my realisation. 

I certainly don't feel envy, since so many of our sisters who did know from very young had a terrible time dealing with things. 

Fragments of evidence describes it for me too. Maybe envy is too strong a word. Perhaps more intense curiosity what that would feel like, since I've never experienced it.

Hiya Suzi

Actually, there was a time when I felt this.  I was in my 20s, and I had some kind of breakdown and realised that I was trans and actually preferred guys.  Suzi, it was frankly quite terrifying, since I would have these terrible waves of dysphoria that would totally engulf me for a few minutes or hours.  And during that time I did totally and utterly feel that I was the wrong gender and in the wrong body.

It only lasted for about 2 weeks, but it was the most awful feeling, so nasty that I actually believe I made an effort to forget it.

Conclusion:  I definitely don't want to go to that place ever again.  You and I should just be happy that we're now in the place we needed to find, and didn't need to go through quite that type of hell to get there!

xxx
J

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 25, 2013, 08:30:17 PM
My experience is that all my adult life, I've wished I could be a woman in the worst way. In my mind, that was that, since I knew I never could. I lived as a male best I could, though I never felt comfortable with my life. I never had the urge to crossdress or express a feminine appearance. I never thought I was transgender, because I didn't "feel" like a woman, only wanted to be one.

I found myself only comfortable with close female friendships, enjoying media and books meant for women and fascinating with everything female.

This. This this this this this. This.

And again for emphasis.

This.

I always stop to read your posts in many threads because you seem to be able to express exactly what I have always felt and thought, and have been experiencing it enough to be able to say it.

I just feel like me - not anything but me. I just have a preference for all things female.

And it has been a constant internal thing, with no real significant "aha" moment.

I realized that parts of me did not match what my brain said should be there when I was 3 or 4

Growing up knowing that I wanted to be female kind of sucked. I don't remember even saying anything anything to my parents but I do remember wanting to have some way to break the ice and go " This isn't how I am supposed to be". That never happened and when puberty hit I got tall ( which I liked ) but I did not change in the way I wanted to change. I never mentioned anything because of where I grew up and the effects I thought it would have on my family. Puberty to the present for a few minutes or more the thought of "I want to be woman" has been a part of my daily life.

It took me 40 years to come to terms with it. I had tried 40 years of trying to get my mind to match my body and that did not work. My mind can be rather persistent and stubborn when it decides on something. The acceptance, once I stopped fighting my mind, has been quite rapid :)

Ellie L

I've just felt so wrong identifying as male and could never fit in the male social world.

QuoteHow come our experiences are all so different?

Because modern 20/21st century life trivializes everything, especially marginalizing anything that is special, different and/or otherwise rare? Although called by a different name 'transgender' has been around almost since the beginning of time itself. I personally draw my inspiration from the bible but choose any conclusions you like:

Quote from: Matthew & Old Testament Isaiah"" Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are so because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

" To those who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, 5 I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.""

Quote from: suzifrommd on October 22, 2014, 07:47:33 AM
I'm referring to the certainty that many feel that despite the shape of their body or the configuration of their chromosomes, that they are most definitely female.

I've found trans people who say they had this feeling even as a toddler.

I've never had that feeling.

Does that answer your question?

for me it was like this sine childhood: I was luckily allowed to be how I was (I mean I was bullied in school by teachers and students, but they never informed my parents, maybe they liked bullying me or didn't care enough,I don't know. But at school I got used to doing girl things. In fact,our PE teacher put me in with the girls to do girl sports, with a comment along the lines.of "since you're not fit to be with the boys". In the schools I went to there was NO recognition of anything but traditional gender and traditional gender roles, so I guess I was kinda made a girl that day. At least in school. But I never took it too far, I think?.I wore lots of bracelets and hair jewelry though. Maybe my androgynous baby face helped, I don't know. But my parents always kept my hair guy length. Eventually I started coming home from school with my jewelry and my parents asked me what I was doing and said I would get bullied but I said I didn't care.. so they let it go, probably thinking "let the world outside knock him back to reality."  Anyway I could go on but I don't want to write a novel. Git me it was: girls do girl things, boys do boy things. I did girl things with the girls and I think I was seen more like a girl and less like a"gay guy" but I'm not sure. Whenever I got called gay in my childhood I furiously denied it. the veryfirst day of school, my teacher couldn't read my handwriting for somereason, maybe it was smudged, so she read my name as a similar female name. I raised my hand up and she looked confused. Then she asked me if it was my name. I should have said yes, but I told her the truth. In that childhood moment,I had no doubt which name I preferred. But I never thought of it add something so complicated as "I feel like a girl". I just was myself. And later I realized I'll have to do a lot more to truly be myself.
The only "certainty" I have is that I've never, ever felt like the role of a guy was my role. I liked climbing in trees, so did many of the other girls, it was a guy thin and we did it with the guys. But at the end of the day, we played with Barbies and gossipped and made "art" with glitter glue and pastel colors and collected glitter stamps (horses and ponies, angels, hearts, stars, foods and so on). The boys collected sports cards and played sports while we played home. At some point I just figured there's no point in me to do any boy things since no one really sees me as a normal boy anyway. I don't know why it took me so long to get from thatpoint to my surgery, but at least it's done now. I felt like my genitals were wrong, but only in the recent years  so strongly iI wanted to cut then off myself. Before then I had sex.and just enjoyed the feeling. I don't think any girl or guy who had sex with me was looking to have sex with a manly guy :D I think they all liked the girl in me, it was so obvious. More obvious to others than me. One guy said "I'll make you into my pretty girl. You're already a girl, let me help you shine." This was back when I was still not wearing makeup or making an effort to look like a girl. I guess that means something. I don't really care. I'm a girl, end of story. Any more words are just confusing.

I had no idea I was trans as a kid. My mom tells me that I was more well-behaved, "nice," and much more verbal than other boys, and she could see it long before I ever came out as trans to her, but I wasn't consciously aware of any desire to be female back then.

And then all of a sudden puberty hit me like a ton of bricks and just like that I hated every single thing about being male, and almost immediately knew that I wanted to be a girl instead. Mostly it was physical... I hated how male sexuality worked. Erections felt wrong, hell, having a penis at all felt wrong, and was a CONSTANT annoyance. I hated the body hair, cried over and over and over again on so many nights after my beautiful unchanged soprano singing voice changed forever, but there was also social stuff, like hating machismo, hating being expected to be tough and act like a dudebro, hated that I couldn't seem to cry at anything even though I really wanted to, and hated the complete inability to do things that were cute, pretty, and feminine without endless social ridicule.

It got worse and worse with pretty much every year, as my body continued to get further and further away from the female self I wanted to be. I tried praying it away, I tried being a more feminine guy, but nothing worked, I needed to be female.

I still don't really understand how I could seemingly have no dysphoria as a kid, and then all of a sudden have my gender identity so abruptly shift to completely feminine in middle school, but it happened how it happened. Gender is a pretty confusing thing to understand sometimes.

So nowadays I just kind of see myself as one of those gender-nonconforming tomboy girls who suddenly grew out of it and got super-feminine at puberty. That's the only way I can seem to make sense of it.

I grew up in  a tough spot, I dropped out of school early. I'm pragmatic, making my life better is a continuous endeavor. For a time that meant securing income, then security, then socialization, self insight revealed that I was TS too. Addressing my TS issues did fall after I got married.
Now as I work towards post transition life, I am re-examining social life, and I plan to move in with my SO. That will lead me to a new future all on it's own.

It's rather hard to predict what would have happened if I had more involved parents, or better schooling or about a million other things. We all a bit different.

Quote from: Missy~rmdlm on October 22, 2014, 09:13:15 PM
I grew up in  a tough spot, I dropped out of school early. I'm pragmatic, making my life better is a continuous endeavor. For a time that meant securing income, then security, then socialization, self insight revealed that I was TS too. Addressing my TS issues did fall after I got married.
Now as I work towards post transition life, I am re-examining social life, and I plan to move in with my SO. That will lead me to a new future all on it's own.

It's rather hard to predict what would have happened if I had more involved parents, or better schooling or about a million other things. We all a bit different.

different , but totally linked at the core by dysphoria

I don't know anymore how and why... yes, there were some minor clues in childhood, but I wasn't screaming from the top of my lungs that I was a female. I just didn't know.

There are kids at the age of 4 that know exactly what they want to be. Surgeon, musician, actor and they become it. And there are people like me: utterly clueless... until I am being shaken out of my dream world, to realize I never listened to what I wanted or who I am. "late-onset dysphoria", or whatever... I can't explain it... nor justify it, I just know, now.

One similarity I have to other mtf transgender folk is that I fantasized about being from Atlantis as a child. I couldn't swim until my teen years but I always thought a part of me was from Atlantis and I was a brave being of the sea. I also loved Wonder Woman in childhood and I thought it was the most awesome thing when she changed from being a normal woman in spectacle and turning into Wonder Woman. But yes all our stories are quite different but they seem to interconnect in one growing body of transgender voices. Peace.

My first trans memory was when i was 8...I wanted to wear my moms clothes so but i was afraid to, so i tried to get my brother to do it with me, but he wouldn't do it.  I don't remember now the very first time, but one day i just started to wear my mom's underwear...not even sexy stuff...I would even wear her cotton bikini's..It moved on to clothes...dresses and skirts, and then i would make my avatar a girl when i could.. A big one i have discovered in my soul searching is that when i was teenager i wanted to have a baby girl...It didn't seem like anything until i got into a long term relationship and my now ex-girlfriend wanted to have a boy...When she said it i got uncomfortable, even angry at that thought of not having a girl...I had to have a baby girl..What i knew in the back of my head and am now coming to terms with is that my desire to have a girl was me trying to live out my life as a woman precariously through her.....I always had a name set out for her...which i decided to adopt as my own name...As you can see from my forum name :-)  Now i can tell there is a male and female side of me.  All of a sudden i will be walking around and i feel this...essence... my body loosens up, i start to move my hips more, i start to feel this high of confidence and femininity.  It's like i can feel this person inside me...just underneath my skin...and she is a strong, confident woman....

Ive could go on for a while with this but ill leave it at that :-)

Because we're all different people :p If everyone's life & story was the same, life would be boring.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on October 22, 2014, 06:49:41 PM
I still don't really understand how I could seemingly have no dysphoria as a kid, and then all of a sudden have my gender identity so abruptly shift to completely feminine in middle school, but it happened how it happened. Gender is a pretty confusing thing to understand sometimes.

Hope and despair are opposite sides of a seesaw.  Maybe subconsciously you did feel like a girl.  Maybe when puberty hit, reality set in for you.  With hope lost, despair (dysphoria) set in.  Maybe it was something like that?

This was my experience too, only I was conscious of how I felt to some degree.  I just was okay-ish with my own existence cuz reality hadn't set in fully.  Puberty changed that.  Whenever I had other big crashes downward in my life, it seemed to always coincide with an experience where I lost even more hope of ever being ok with living with my own existence.

Through out my early childhood I was quick to cry and prefered the less aggressive things . I had a twin brother (Jordan) and older brother (Joshua) who looked after me. I had no present father and an ineffectual mother all the men that were in my earlier life either hurt my twin and I in some way or took no notice of us. As we grew up Josh moved out leaving all the older brother things to Jordan. I didn't have words for what I was feeling or reasons to why I liked certain things and Jordan just assumed I was his feminine  twin.
When life at home began to be too stressful, I would get out of the house and head for my secret hiding spot near were I lived. My hiding spot had female clothes, money ect. Were I would change into them so I could go about the day as a girl. I never really thought about why I liked them but for some reason it destressed me.
By the time I entered foster care at 12yro I had little trust in many people and no trust in men so when anyone pryed into why I was doing what I do, I shut down and avoided conversation. Eventually my desperation to be female became too great and at 19yro I decided to transition. My foster mum was the first to find out and most family members showed disapproval  to the idea of me being female. Several years later my foster mum is my rock and most family members are on my side.

Different life experiences maybe. Different personalities.

I did not know when I was a child. Looking back there were definitely clues. Makeup, dresses, dolls I have been told that I tried them all. Those are girl things and not for you. Apparently I just moved on, I don't remember my early childhood well. I do remember my grandparents talking (was raised by them) and my grandfather say that my grandmother had to quit coddling me, that I was a sissy and that I would never be a man. Maybe it was just a different time, the 70's were very different.

Puberty was the most brutal time of my life. The changes in my body were not right. Being in a very religious family, I thought that I was evil. How else could I explain these thoughts. I still thought that I was a boy, just that I was sick.

I did all of the boy things, or in most cases, learned the lingo so no one knew that I was a freak. Hormones drove me to find girlfriends and have sex. Let me feel more normal. Then by my early twenties when I couldn't do that anymore, couldn't pretend that I was enjoying it, I pulled in on myself. I denied it for two decades until I couldn't anymore. This 'sickness' wasn't going away. Sure I had seen cross dressing, ok, like the idea but that didn't explain the body problems. I didn't know that it was possible to change the body.

Then when my 16 year relationship ended because I couldn't physically do man stuff anymore. Everything worked but, eww, eww, eww. I thought that if I was going to be alone the rest of my life, why not be me when I was at home? Oh boy! Then it came crashing down. This is who I am!!! Started looking online and found out that there were other people like me and that there was something that I could do about it. That was ten months ago. Now, one month after my 45th birthday, I have been on hrt for two weeks.

I feel, I don't know the word, right maybe, for the first time in my life. It's not a question of clothes or makeup or doing girly things, they come naturally and feel right, it's about feeling comfortable being me.

Why are no two snowflakes the same? Dunno and honestly, I am just happy that I am a snowflake.

I knew I should not have been born a boy from a very early age, certainly pre 6yo... However I had not heard of Transgender or Gender Dysphoria until mid life, so I just knew I had to keep it secret! Back then any male caught in girls clothes was ostracised and ridiculed... scary.

However when I played with my brothers I recall always wanting to play "damsel in distress" part, or a nurse or.... etc. During my teens I had lots of friends, mostly girls, I related best to girls (of course), used to help them with boyfriends and advice, it was so natural...

I also used to think of ways (accidents) to loose my manly parts, how can I make my breasts grow.... and sadly (never worked) tried everything to get my hair to grow (was balding from very early age) and in the last 15 or so years tried so many different products etc. to get it to grow... but then I found HRT... at least I am seeing some re-growth  ;)

In any case I have never really subscribed to manly team sports, sticking to Ice Skating, Skiing etc. Always fighting my true desires and emotions till now.
To cut a long story short I hid and married (was expected and the done thing (21yo) and had kids etc... Had I have known then or been born later???

But certainly I have never doubted that I was born into the wrong genetic physical form

L Katy