Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm in the early stages of, well, everything and for the past while I came out to all my friends who now call me by my preferred name and he/him etc.

The thing is I'm finding they're not really sticking with me. One of the factors is that I just haven't found the right name yet and also because I've been called my birth name and she/her for x amount of years.

I feel stupid but I'm wondering if this is a normal thing as it just seems as if everyone else feels right at home when first using preferred name and pronouns.

Totally happened to me too. I gave my friends a grace period - they had known me by my birth name for years, after all - and after a few weeks I started correcting them. It didn't take long for them (and me) to get used to it. Try not to take it personally - it really is just tough to get used to. If it's really bothering you then maybe bring it up, but keep in mind that every time they accidentally misgender you, they're probably having an internal "oh ->-bleeped-<-" moment already.

I started asing for my preferred pronouns as soon as I came out (people didn't necessarily use my preferred pronouns, but that's a different issue), but it took me quite a while to decide on the right name. For over a year I continued going by a female chosen name which I had been using since long before I came out as trans, and then I switched to a gender neutral nickname that I used for a few months before finally chose a male first name.

If you're having a hard time choosing a name that sticks but don't want to keep hearing your birth name, you could go a similar route and start going by a nickname until you find the right first name. Nicknames aren't so high-stakes-- people don't usually get on your case for being indecisive if you switch nicknames. I've heard of people going by anything from their initials to their favorite animal to an ambiguous sounding childhood nickname.

I've always identified with my chosen name but pronouns are a different story. I've been referred to as "her" and "she" for so long that it took some time for me to get used to male pronouns. It also doesn't help that I still have to present as female at work and around my family but eventually I got used to the male pronouns that my girlfriend and friends use for me. Now it kind of stings to hear people refer to me with female pronouns.

It's not all that uncommon for it to take time to adjust, I'm sure you'll get used to the proper pronouns after a while. Don't be afraid to take your time choosing a name you're comfortable with too.

I think if you had a new name it would for sure be easier for them, but I agree it's not something you want to rush into.

I already had my name picked out when I came out, and immediately asked that people start using that name w/ female pronouns even presenting totally like a guy for those first few months. Hearing the right pronouns and name consistently definitely gave me a little kick in the pants to start presenting appropriately- not just for myself, but to ease the confusion for my friends. It worked well.. a very symbiotic chain reaction took place, and I went FT after two months.

If I try to imagine not having a name figured out, I feel like it would have been a little bit harder for them and it would have greatly stalled my transition. Obviously everyone is going to have their own pace, and you should absolutely do what feels right for YOU and not focus too much on other people. It is good to be aware, though, because having good support and encouragement from people around you can be a lifesaver.

That could be tough, when you don't have a name that fits. I can't imagine it!

I picked my name when I was 3 or 4 years old. A new girl moved to the neighbourhood and I thought her name was the prettiest name I ever heard and I hated my (boy's) name so I adopted her's. It always just felt right and natural and after 60 years it still does!

When my friends/coworkers do it, sometimes it does feel weird to me because I can tell it's taking deliberate effort on their part. I think once I get used to hearing the new name/pronouns more often, and they get used to using them, that will gradually feel better. When strangers actually gender me correctly though, that already feels AWESOME.

Yeah, it's totally weird at first, even if your friends and family ARE using correct name and pronouns.  It was almost like they were just humoring me and we were all just pretending or something.  And I didn't ask people to call me by my correct name until it was legal, or for the correct pronouns until I was passing.  I figured having it legally changed would give me more standing/authority to insist on the proper name, and the pronouns would be easier if I was passing.

That said, my kid (almost 20) told me yesterday that she grew up with me as Mom, and now, even though I look male, she still sees me as Mom, but I am more genderless to her.  But she doesn't notice gender as the first thing about a person. But I thought it was interesting to hear her perspective.

my mum texts me every one of her lunch breaks an the first text is hi elanore how are u today butshe is the only person to call me elanore on a regular basis but some of my friends over my local pub sometimes call me elanore not very often because the cant remember my new name

As soon as I came out to my friends I told them to call me Brandon, Pronouns to they all refer to me as he him or his, I gotmy name because that's the name my mom was already gonna name me

It takes a little while. People need to adjust. For me it didn't seem to take long before people basically "forgot" that my name didn't used to be Jason. They forget that I wasn't "he/him/his" before. Some friends have come across old pictures from high school or whatever and they'll be blown away because it's like I'm a completely different human being from the one they knew before. Once you come to a name and start really living as the person you're shooting to be, things fall in line easier. Once you see yourself as (insert name here) and you take on that role, people start to view you as that role over time. Everyone's going to have memories and I've battled that thought on numerous occasions where I've just wanted to brainwash people into never having known who I was before but that's a whole different issue. Point being, you're in the awkward in-between stage and once that stage has gone away and you're living as the "you" that you want to be, everyone else is going to see you as that person as you grow more and more in that skin.

Also a side note, now's a good time to start really putting together who you want to be. If there are things that not being born bio-male has caused you to hold back doing, or somehow has caused dysphoria that ultimately caused other problems, change it while you go into your new skin. For instance with me, I had HORRIBLE anxiety issues and I would get anxious during certain things (example: long car rides). Once I started transitioning, I made an effort for the "new me" to not be afraid of riding in a car for 4 hours. Hell, I moved 4 hours away and made the commute all the time. So that way it was one less thing for me to feel was "broken" about me when I was at a stable point of being transgender. Things like that may not apply to you, you may be exactly who you want to be personality-wise, but I figured I'd offer the advice.

i came out in september and most of my friends caught on quickly, before november really. people i wasn't friends with still used the wrong pronouns until i started really looking and sounding male. especially my close friends who i had told i was trans 6 months before who also helped me pick out my name. my family was a lot slower it took them to december to even start trying.

Names are WAY easier than pronouns!!!

--Jay