Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I always wake up with a lot of doubts about what I'm doing. I look in the mirror  and I don't see the change I want then I get on line with Susan's and my doubt's tend to melt a way after talking to everyone.

Hormones take time and have their limitations, so try to be patient and understanding of the process. 

What sort of doubts are you having?  Are you talking to anyone about them?

I talk to my therapist all the time ,but not really about the doubts . My doubts always are when I wake up in the early morning. I have doubts about whether I'm truly as transgender as I believe I am. I've live with this all my life  since I was 4. grade school and high school was especially hard for me because I need I was so wrong mentally and physically. I've never had any body to talk to about this until recently, but that's only with the therapist. I'm really so happy to be on HRT. I feel like I have a future a head of me. The doubts hit me in the morning when I wake. By afternoon , the doubts go away, especially after looking at all the other comments on Susan's. I now I'm transgender ,I've truly never fit in the male world.

I wake up with doubts, go to sleep with doubts, and have them during the day... Those are not doubts about whether the right thing is being done, but rather - how the world will respond to this when the switch will be flipped. If I knew that everything will be alright... but still having those doubts about that too... :(

Quote from: evecrook on November 29, 2013, 03:38:50 PM
I talk to my therapist all the time ,but not really about the doubts . My doubts always are when I wake up in the early morning. I have doubts about whether I'm truly as transgender as I believe I am. I've live with this all my life  since I was 4. grade school and high school was especially hard for me because I need I was so wrong mentally and physically. I've never had any body to talk to about this until recently, but that's only with the therapist. I'm really so happy to be on HRT. I feel like I have a future a head of me. The doubts hit me in the morning when I wake. By afternoon , the doubts go away, especially after looking at all the other comments on Susan's. I now I'm transgender ,I've truly never fit in the male world.

We all have doubts and fears in life.  You are human after all.  I'd suggest you talk about them with your therapist.  Don't worry about the gatekeeping stuff or feel the need to defend your status.  Having doubts or concerns doesn't invalidate your identity, any good therapist should know that.  What's important is that you solve this conflict, so that you feel more positive and confident about your path as you move forward. 

Not having doubts would probably be a bigger problem. They indicate you have some perspective and aren't in some fantasy where this process is some infallible panacea for your gender dissonance. But doubts can be very unhelpful if they're not constructive.

I have them all the time, usually at 4 in the morning too. They take the form of "Gawd, what do I think I'm trying to prove? This will be a spectacular failure. I'll be a laughing stock. I'll lose everything." And I've wondered on more than one occasion if forums aren't an echo chamber that reinforce my "delusion". Blah, blah, blah - fortunately those thoughts are all fleeting, I don't entertain them or dwell on them. Out they go!

The way I know in my heart that the doubts are wrong is by how great I feel in girl mode and how fantastic I've felt since I've been on HRT. Can I imagine life without those things? Yes, because that was my life before and it was totally cr@p! Do I ever want to go back to living like that? No. No freakin' way! And that trumps the doubts every single time.

Is it strange then that I have zero doubts?  I explored every reason for not transitioning early on and didn't see anything I thought pertained to me.  I have to say though,  I very rarely stick with anything,  but since I see this as essential as the oxygen I breathe... IFK no doubts on what I'm doing even if the world melts away.

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 29, 2013, 04:42:52 PM
I wake up with doubts, go to sleep with doubts, and have them during the day... Those are not doubts about whether the right thing is being done, but rather - how the world will respond to this when the switch will be flipped. If I knew that everything will be alright... but still having those doubts about that too... :(

Exactly. I have started to realize this as well. I am actually the opposite in that when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed I am 100% not a doubt in my mind absolutely sure I need to transition and I need to be female. My doubts settle in once my day gets going and I have to interact with the outside world. Then I start looking at my social interactions and start thinking, 'what will they think when...' 'How will our relationship change when...' 'Do I like being a man in this interaction...' etc. etc. But I've begun to realize that so many of my doubts are either linked to concerns about how others will react or concerns about whether I will ever pass as female. In these moments I always just remind myself of the status quo. The one thing I have certainty about is that being a guy is not working, so at the very least moving towards being female is moving in the right direction.

And I think all of us have doubts at different times. For me certainty comes with morning and night because I think when I have time to be separate from the outside world and alone with myself I can acknowledge and accept my truth, and during the rest of the day I am constantly analyzing my social interactions and thinking about what ifs. For others it may be the exact opposite because social interactions are gender affirming for them and morning and evening alone to think too much may raise doubts.

I think, at least for me, it comes down to accepting the unknown and going (as I said before) the status quo ain't working. Do I know for absolute sure that transition is the right course? No. But I do know for sure that continuing to be a man isn't working. So then what does that leave? It leaves taking it moment by moment, not projecting into the future with what ifs, walking the gradient of transition until the physical feels congruent with my gender identity.

Quote from: Sophia Hawke on November 30, 2013, 12:12:09 AM
Is it strange then that I have zero doubts?  I explored every reason for not transitioning early on and didn't see anything I thought pertained to me.  I have to say though,  I very rarely stick with anything,  but since I see this as essential as the oxygen I breathe... IFK no doubts on what I'm doing even if the world melts away.

Sounds like you've thought it through, so if you don't have any doubts that's great!

Didn't you know Dysphoria and doubts are BFFs?

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 30, 2013, 12:03:38 AM
I have them all the time, usually at 4 in the morning too. They take the form of "Gawd, what do I think I'm trying to prove? This will be a spectacular failure. I'll be a laughing stock. I'll lose everything." And I've wondered on more than one occasion if forums aren't an echo chamber that reinforce my "delusion". Blah, blah, blah - fortunately those thoughts are all fleeting, I don't entertain them or dwell on them. Out they go!

Same here.

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 30, 2013, 12:03:38 AM
The way I know in my heart that the doubts are wrong is by how great I feel in girl mode and how fantastic I've felt since I've been on HRT. Can I imagine life without those things? Yes, because that was my life before and it was totally cr@p! Do I ever want to go back to living like that? No. No freakin' way! And that trumps the doubts every single time.

Exactly.

I've learned that when the little voice of doubt gets going all I have to think about is exactly what you said - and I also think "But I am transgender - I KNOW that beyond a doubt - why am I doubting myself?" and that pretty much stops it. Besides, being doubtful doesn't solve anything; it's a waste of time. Visiting my therapist and coming to Susan's is also a great help to run off the doubt monster.

Not so much doubts, but just a reality check every morning. Has this worked? no, has that worked? no. The depression brought on by the reality that HRT hasn't done the works on me worries me a lot. I've given it a long time, many years but still all I see is what I saw all those years ago before I started my transition. I'm coming up close to my GRS now and I just don't feel or look feminine enough to keep going. I need some kind of boost, some kind of physical change to say it's working. My self esteem is at an all time low, quite different to when I started on the road to transition back in 2002 when I was really upbeat and hopeful about how things were going to turn out. I  don't know how I can get my confidence or self esteem back?

Every morning before I take my pills I question myself, "is this the right thing?" "Am I sure this is what I want to do?" Then I swallow them down feeling good about my decision.

The point is that I have sort of made a daily ritual of my doubts just because they pop up, usually at inopportune moments then get all emotional.

thanks  for all the help. Truly appreciate it. seems like I'm in the norm.

I question myself all the time!

And my therapist is starting to make things worse for me lol because when I talk to her about having doubts she answers me that if I still have doubts that I should stop everything until I can be certain that this is the right thing for me to do.

Is she right? I am certain about it...or not?

It happens that I am almost all time sure that this is what I want for me. This is how I was supposed to be...I feel so happy, so good and in tune with myself.

But then some thoughts hit me....I think I am crazy. What a lunatic I am! Wanting to change my body and to transform into a woman...why? Will it help me in what? And my family? My friends? My future? Why I am doing this? I can see boobs growing...is this what I want? Oh god, what's wrong with me? This is a permanent thing! This is for all my life!

Then I forget about it and in a few minutes I am all happy and girly and loving this feelings and all the changes on my body! Loving who I am. Loving to be me, to watch as my real me gets out of this male shell.

It is cyclic.

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 30, 2013, 12:03:38 AM
Not having doubts would probably be a bigger problem. They indicate you have some perspective and aren't in some fantasy where this process is some infallible panacea for your gender dissonance. But doubts can be very unhelpful if they're not constructive.

The best way of putting it, and essentially, the advice that helped me out as well.  Doubting and second-guessing are indicators that you're properly analyzing your actions.  When people uproot themselves from their homes, they have doubts.  So naturally, an event as major as transitioning should have you questioning yourself.

But you're also an intelligent person.  I had this conversation with my sister once, and she made the point that she's questioned many things about herself, but gender was never one.  The decision to transition can only be triggered by a genuine instinct.  So, I'd say, continue to doubt and analyze this series of actions, but maybe include this concept.  Like Ms Grace said, doubts and second-guessing can be helpful, but don't let them control you.

And as far as not seeing the changes in the mirror...yeah...that's a difficult one.  We see our reflections many times in a day- and many more when we're fixated on our appearance.  It's so hard to see the changes when the intervals are only minutes apart, especially when the changes are all long-term.  It takes time, but one day, it will click, and you'll realize that what you're focusing on in the mirror isn't "am I passing?," but "oh, f-, my makeup/hair doesn't look right."  Or in my case, "UGH I got red sauce all around my mouth, and all over my shirt.  Dammit." :P  Either way, it clicks eventually, and you'll see the girl more often than the guy.  And it's amazing.

thanks so very much. I do see that girl at times and its amazing.

Doubts are quite common early in transition the more you accept yourself as a woman more and more the doubts start to go away. I used to have doubts now I never question whether I'm a woman or not I just am now so it's a no doubt situation now and I'm back to worrying about real life issues again. :)

thanks

Some of you guys sound like your doubts are tied to HRT.   I havent started HRT yet, could that be something to do with the estrogen?  I'm always willing to examine a good reason for why i shouldnt do something.  The truth is though,  If i cant transition, i really dont want to keep going with life.  There's just no point in it to me.    If i found out i could never HRT, im pretty sure id just stop eating and die, or do something worst :(.  Biggest thing that keeps me going, and so self sure.  There's just no way i could live the rest of my life with this feeling.

Quote from: Sophia Hawke on December 01, 2013, 06:12:44 AM
Some of you guys sound like your doubts are tied to HRT.   I havent started HRT yet, could that be something to do with the estrogen?  I'm always willing to examine a good reason for why i shouldnt do something.  The truth is though,  If i cant transition, i really dont want to keep going with life.  There's just no point in it to me.    If i found out i could never HRT, im pretty sure id just stop eating and die, or do something worst :(.  Biggest thing that keeps me going, and so self sure.  There's just no way i could live the rest of my life with this feeling.

Sophia for me I don't think it is necessarily the "E" itself that causes doubts. It really has put me mentally and emotionally in a great place. It is how I wish I felt my whole life. If I had only known, I would have started earlier in my life, my dysphoria doesn't exist. I am not angry, I don't grind my teeth at night and best of all I can feel and express my emotions.

My doubt comes from dealing with the outside view of my transition. The HRT is causing physical changes where others are noticing changes in my features. This brings the need to come out at home, with friends, at work. MY doubts are from fear, that is all. As I continue to tell friends and family the fear subsides and it is getting easier.

I get lots of doubts at night for some reason. Then i go to school and go in the boy locker room and know that im not supposed to be here.  Or i take a shower and know that what is there is not the right thing. My doubts get mowed down by the fifty caliber machine gun that is "my boy mode"

Quote from: Henrietta48 on December 01, 2013, 12:27:15 PM
I get lots of doubts at night for some reason. Then i go to school and go in the boy locker room and know that im not supposed to be here.  Or i take a shower and know that what is there is not the right thing. My doubts get mowed down by the fifty caliber machine gun that is "my boy mode"

I never felt confortable using the boy locker room...and I never really knew why...until now.

I was a good swimmer and I was used to swimming 3 times a week. For ten years I always waited for my mom to bring me home so I could take a shower at my own bathroom. It was not very confortable to stay with a wet speedo under your clothes for one hour while you wait for your mom and while you find yourself stuck in the traffic on the way home, but only the though of being naked in front of the other boys and taking a shower was enough to freak me out...I didn't want they to see my parts, nor my butt and I felt like if I was not supposed to be there.

I have to say I am finding this thread quite heartening and quite helpful. So often when looking at transition you hear things like "permanent!" "You have to be completely sure!" "There's no going back!" Which then makes you feel that unless you are 100% positive transition is the right choice then you shouldn't do it. This always put me off from pursuing it because I was not sure and still am not sure. What I am sure of is that I'm not a man and that pretending to be one is not working... Which is a pretty good sign that transition may be good for me. But it's helpful to hear about how everyone has their doubts. When I try to dissect mine I think they, like many on hear have stated, have much more to do with external than internal factors. Things like "will I pass?" "How will others react?" "Is this worth it?" etc. But then when I think of my own internal identity there is very little doubt at all that it's female.

I had a big problem with the boys locker room too

Aww evecrook hunni *hugs* <333

As Grace said it'd be more worrying if you *DIDN'T* have doubts about such a major change to your life.  It just shows that you're exploring what this all means to you, that's all.

Maybe a little thought-experiment will help ya hun :)

Imagine - if you will - a world where we could all push a big magic "RESET" button on our lives.  If you push this button, you get to start your whole life again.  That's everything, right from the beginning.  You keep the knowledge you've accumulated already, and you get to *CHOOSE* how you want to be.  Your name, sex, gender, sexuality, the colour of your hair, the shape of your eyes and face - everything about you.  Once you've made your choices, you press a big "ACCEPT" button and you restart life with those choices in-place.  It's a brand new start, no one knows you or who you will end up becoming, not even your own parents / siblings / friends etc

What would you pick?

Would you keep your female gender and switch your sex for female to match it?  Or would you rather change your female mind to a male one?

You can probably see where I'm going with this:  for me personally, I'd switch sex to female without question or hesitation, which to me says that I really am a female mind screaming to escape from this male body and - given that there is no magic "reset" button here in the real world - I should probably do something to address this conflict between mind and body, even if it isn't perfect and only 'relieves the discord' somewhat.

So what decisions would you make hunni?  You don't have to tell us, obviously (you have nothing to prove <333), but you should answer that question to yourself when you have these doubts.  If (once you take all the social pressures, preconceptions and prejudices from the outside world away like in the thought experiment above) you would pick female, then that's a pretty good indication in my opinion that the doubts are linked to fear of what the world will think of you and how others will treat you.

If that's the case then it's not a case of "is this right for me?" (because obviously it is), but rather "is this right for the rest of the world?".

Hope that helps you out a bit hun :)  all my love and hugs to you and anyone else who's struggling because you are all beautiful no matter who you are :D <333

Quote from: Natalia on December 01, 2013, 12:55:21 PM
I never felt confortable using the boy locker room...and I never really knew why...until now.

I was a good swimmer and I was used to swimming 3 times a week. For ten years I always waited for my mom to bring me home so I could take a shower at my own bathroom. It was not very confortable to stay with a wet speedo under your clothes for one hour while you wait for your mom and while you find yourself stuck in the traffic on the way home, but only the though of being naked in front of the other boys and taking a shower was enough to freak me out...I didn't want they to see my parts, nor my butt and I felt like if I was not supposed to be there.

OMG! *slaps forehead* I've always felt *EXACTLY* like that too!  Never even connected it until I read that!  Even as recently as a year ago I'd be at the gym and there'd be guys walking about with their wangs flapping about in the locker room (showers were connected directly).  I always rolled my eyes and said to myself "*ugh*, do they *REALLY* have to do that??  I'll wait till I get home to have a bath thanks.."  and generally didn't feel like I even "belonged" there...  now that you've said it, I'm sitting here like "oh.. oh! duuuuur!" :laugh: