Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone! I'd rather not say my name but I am a 19 year old girl from Leeds. I'm new here, and I must admit the reason I'm here is because I'm feeling rather lonely.

I've been going out with this wonderful guy for over 6 months now. We met online and I knew from the start that he was bisexual. I wouldn't class myself as 100% straight but then again I hate labels. Either way him being bisexual has never phased me.

So, in the last month or so I was pretty much ready to break up with him. He was always so insensitive and distant, he didn't want me texting so often and frankly I felt very unloved. I told him, that I needed things to change otherwise I couldn't do it anymore.

And then he came out to me. He told me that inside, he feels like a woman. He told me that in an ideal world, he would change his sex. He was so scared of telling me and for me not to love him anymore. But honestly...I love him even more for it.

He is so much more compassionate now and I feel like anything we do sexually is so much more intimate - he actually wants to be held, whereas before he would just get up and go on his computer and leave me feeling like it was some weird one-night stand or something.

I am more than happy with the way things are going right now. I love him so much, and when its just us too, I call her Rose.

But what's really getting to me - is that I feel so alone. I couldn't possibly tell my parents about this, it was a big deal enough telling them that he was bi. I don't feel like I can be open about this with anyone I know - I talked to one of my closest friends (happens to be Christian) and as supportive as she was, I still felt judged.

I'm not looking for ways to tell my friends and family, frankly I think Rose and I are happy keeping this to ourselves, Rose doesn't want a sex change - at least not now. We went shopping and got her a sexy blue thong and a pair of tights, and to see her that happy - its just indescribable.

All I want is to know that there are people out there in the same position as me. I want to be strong for her and not burden her with my worries all the time.

Happy to talk to anyone who fancies a chat :) xx





Edited title to save confusion

First of all, I would like to say welcome to the site.

I am assuming your friend, Rose, is English.  If she not already done so, she should consider gender therapy, and perhaps joining this site (or at least lurking to find information).

I applaud you for your open mind.  Those of us in the TG/TS community benefit greatly from understanding.  You have helped Rose already, probably more than you know.

We have a board set aside for "significant others."  You might want to take advantage of that, paprika.

Welcome!  :)

Hello, welcome to the site!

I'm glad to see a girl so understanding of her girlfriend, it not only helps her express herself, it gives her hope others can too, a very important thing to feel, i don't know where'd I'd be without my boyfriend.

If you ever wanna chat with me i welcome it, i might be able to help you sort through some feelings if you want, but my case a little different, my boyfriend is straight and I'm still pre anything, but he loves me all the same.

Thank you both for the warm welcome!

And hi Xhianil, thank you so much for answering. I would really love to chat to you - just cos I'm new to this, would you rather chat over this or via email? :L I don't know if there's a way we can talk privately or not. I'm clearly such a noobie at this! :D

You can on here after 15 posts, but I'd have to do it after 4, in class right now and today everyone has asked what I'm looking at today and i keep on having to make stuff up.

Ha! You must be on the other side of the globe to me if you're at class now, it's currently 9 at night over here.

Any absurd excuses?? :D

So how long have you and your boyfriend been going out? And how did you guys meet and such?

Just to say in advance, I apologise if I say anything really stupid or remotely offensive when it comes to trans lingo - I assure you it is NOT intentional and please correct me if I've messed up somewhere along the way! :)

Hi paprikademe  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)   Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

Thanks V M - this has cleared up a couple of things for me! :)

Hi paprikademe, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 8772 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another SO. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet  )O(

Quote from: paprikademe on December 06, 2013, 03:15:32 PM
Ha! You must be on the other side of the globe to me if you're at class now, it's currently 9 at night over here.

Any absurd excuses?? :D

So how long have you and your boyfriend been going out? And how did you guys meet and such?

Just to say in advance, I apologise if I say anything really stupid or remotely offensive when it comes to trans lingo - I assure you it is NOT intentional and please correct me if I've messed up somewhere along the way! :)

Lets just wait till you get more posts, stuff is going on out of my control right now anyways.

Hi Paprika, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. We love couples on the site, any chance of Rose signing up? See you around, hugs, Devlyn

my girlfriend is in a similar situation. i am bi and transitioning, though i am in the u.s. and i'm trying to stay in "boy mode" until i can't stand it anymore or until i'm ready to go fulltime. i've been taking the in between time to slowly change my presentation and slowly come out to people.

she wanted to keep it a secret from her family until they got to know me as a person, and like me. she didn't want to tell them right away because they might have some preconceived notions preventing them from seeing me as anything but myself.

i felt very bad for her, i knew how hard it was for me to tell my family and friends, and i didn't like that she was in the same situation.

what ended up happening is that a "friend" of hers, who happened to be the little brother of a friend of mine, outed me to her sister, who told the rest of her family. it was definitely a bad move on his part, but in a way it helped to get my girlfriend out of the anxious state that we experience before coming out.

so i guess she was in your situation, until some jerk outed me to her family. her family was 100% awesome about it, and now i don't have to put on such an act when i am with her family, i can just be myself.

i thought i could never come out to my family, but when i finally did, it felt so much better. it felt like a horrible weight i had been carrying was lifted. my mom is catholic and although she likes to see herself as a liberal, open minded and non-judgmental person, in reality, she's very judgmental, manipulative, closed minded and afraid. (i hope she never reads this :x ) so much of my anxiety about being transgender was about coming out to my parents, and after coming out to them, my friends. i was afraid i would lose them.

many of my old friends are homophobic and transphobic, and i've noticed that even the ones who i haven't came out to, we have been growing apart over the years. there comes a time to find new friends. the new friends i have made in the past year or so are the best ever!! it is sad to let people go, but there's always more opportunities in life to find the people we need to find, and to live our own lives how we wish. the joy i've gotten from meeting new friends outweighs the sadness of losing old friends 100:1, or more than that, for me it cancels out the sadness of losing old friends.

even tho i have lost friends, it was an inevitable thing that was already happening before i began transition, they were my friends, but as we grew up, we became different "types" of people. for example, many of my old friends like guns, money, booze and having babies that look like them. i'm afraid of guns, plan to live on a homestead where i don't rely on money so much, hardly drink anymore, and feel there's enough neglected kids on the planet that i can help raise them, no need to make a new one that looks like me.

Quote from: paprikademe on December 06, 2013, 02:09:54 PM
...and to see her that happy - its just indescribable.

^my girlfriend tells me how much she loves seeing me be happy. my friends tell me how happy i seem when i go out n "girl mode." but, my girlfriend isn't the only one who gets joy out of seeing her girlfriend happy, i do too! i have been told by her friends that she has been sooooo much happier since meeting me, and the joy i get when i hear that, or when i see it in her, is indescribable. for me, that feeling is what matters. the rest of the world can judge me or her, they can hate all they want, because we've got the feeling of love, of bliss and they can't take it away from us.

i hope my girlfriend and my story gives you hope and let's you know that you are not alone. i wish you the best, and congrats on finding susans. the people here have helped me out so much when i was lonely and scared. the forums are great and i love the chat. i have made some great friends here. 

...and *HUG!!!*

Wow. Hi everyone! What warm welcomes, can't describe how good it feels!! :D

Jojoglowe in particular, your message had me on the verge of tears. Your words really were inspirational. I'm so worried about the future. Right now everything is going brilliantly, and Rose tells me she doesn't want to change, but if it weren't for society, she would change in a heartbeat.

And that puts me in an awkward position, and I've told her this. One side of me agrees: I want it to be special, just us two, as its going so well. And another side of me wants to shout out, 'SCREW SOCIETY, NO ONE TELLS MY WOMAN HOW TO BE - DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY' :L (bit overdramatic perhaps!)

She reassures me that she'll never have a sex change, she may consider hormones but she doesn't want the fuss from friends and family etc. But the way that she describes how much she wants to be a woman - it hurts me almost. I just want her to be happy. But a selfish side of me doesn't want her to go through with it either - because frankly I don't know if I could handle it. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's true. Nevertheless I would still support her 100% even if we weren't in a relationship..I'm just super confused about how I feel.

On the up side, I get to be the dominant one in the relationship - this can be a little difficult when Rose is 6 foot and I'm 5 foot(!!) but it really is fun..and feels right too.

Jojoglowe, you're absolutely right. I do believe that if transitioning is something that happens in the future for Rose, that friends will come and go. And I do find comfort in your words that we will find new and better friends if that is the case.

You've actually made me feel so much more confident about it all. I really needed to know that I wasn't alone.. Thank you so much. I wish you and your awesome girlfriend a life of happiness, I truly do :)

Can I ask: Do you think that even if Rose is happy now..that she will eventually want more? In terms of wanting to change sex I mean.

And to answer your question Devlyn Marie - I'm not sure whether Rose would like to sign up. I might mention it to her but at the minute I seem to be the one whose more confused and in need of support than she is!! :')

Well, you came to the right place, hon! We specialize in support! Hugs, Devlyn

Quote
Can I ask: Do you think that even if Rose is happy now..that she will eventually want more? In terms of wanting to change sex I mean.

Maybe. Sometimes the comfort of HRT leads to needing to be complete, sometimes just dressing and being treated right is enough. It varies from one person to the next. It is possible that if you are given time, you can be more comfortable with changes that happen. Just be sure to share your feelings and thoughts so Rose doesn't feel that you are growing apart.

Paprika, for those with strong gender dysphoria, cross-hormone therapy provides, in many cases a sense of "correctness."  My own thoughts were, "This is how I was meant to feel."  And my own dysphoria was not as strong as many of the members here, who consider ending their lives rather than living in their birth sex.

There are many paths that Rose could take.  Each one is unique, and none right now, is predictable.

Hi paprikademe and welcome! You sound like a beautiful and caring person to be so understanding and accepting. Your partner is a lucky person indeed! Sounds like telling your folks is important to you, but at this early stage might be jumping the gun. Is there anyone else you can trust who you can debrief to? Maybe tell your folks when things have progressed in whatever way they do.

Quote from: paprikademe on December 07, 2013, 09:42:29 AM
On the up side, I get to be the dominant one in the relationship - this can be a little difficult when Rose is 6 foot and I'm 5 foot(!!) but it really is fun..and feels right too.

^this is how my girlfriend and i are, even the height difference. she tells me she loves being the dominant one and it feels right to her :D

Quote from: paprikademe on December 07, 2013, 09:42:29 AM
Can I ask: Do you think that even if Rose is happy now..that she will eventually want more? In terms of wanting to change sex I mean.

^well, i knew since i was a little kid, as soon as i found out it was possible, that i wanted to change. i buried this realization deep down thinking it would never happen. at the time i was still a kid and parents, other kids and society seem really big at that point in life. last year, at age 25, i had the opportunity to travel around africa for 3 months, living in rural villages helping peace corps volunteers farm with their host family's. that trip made me realize that life is short, it is beautiful, and it is a gift that must be used to it's full extent. i had been living in fear of rejection, and was just going through the motions of living, i was drinking and smoking ALOT of cannabis as a way to numb any feelings. it was not good, it was not pretty, i was wasting my life.

the years before this trip, i had already graduated college, paid it off, and been working full time for years. this is going to sound sad, but i have noticed that as you grow older, you grow away from everyone else. i mentioned it in the last post a little. my parents, for example, my dad is retired and leaves the house for groceries, my mom is almost and leaves the house for groceries, church, and quilting class at the rec center. not much going on. it is like society and parents and all the scary stuff shrinks the older you get. in my case, all i ever did was go to work, go home, get inebriated and repeat. i forgot to mention, my girlfriend at that time, she was doing peace corps in africa, we broke up after the trip, 5 years. it killed me. i had not told her about my gender stuff, as i was afraid she would reject me.

i feel i'm starting to drift. the point i was going to get at was, after seeing everything over there, coming back and starting a new life, i was going to live it the right way, without compromise. it is possible your girlfriend already knows she wants to transition. she could still be happy with her current situation yet down the road want to go forward with what she's known her whole life, as i am doing now.

it really depends on her though. transgender is a big umbrella term for many types of people. she could just want to be a woman some of the time, or perhaps just changing her presentation a little will be enough for her to feel right.

but if she were to want to transition in the future, well here in the u.s. we don't have to do real life experience, RLE, to get hormones. so it would be possible for her to start on a low dose hormone regime and keep presenting male when around family etc, and the changes happen slowly over time. i am essentially doing that. you might find that as you both grow older in the next few years, that the pressures from family or society will shrink. that is how it happened for me. graduating college was the last thing on the parent's checklist, so once i got that done, i figured i could start living my life for myself and not them. growing up, i never saw m parents' "faults," but as i grew into an adult, i was able to see them as equals. i could see where my mother had deep issues with her father, who was abusive and died about 20 years ago. he still haunted her, as well as her mother. my mom had tons of ideas internalized from her mom, and she hardly realized it. i could see that if i kept living how i was, i would end up like my mother, a big ball of nerves. seeing her in this way didn't make me lose respect for her, it made me love her more and understand her more. we are much closer now, and we became much closer after i told her everything.

going back to your girlfriend, it is possible she will want to transition in the future, but it is also possible she will be happy with things how they are as well. take our time, and if she does transition, you don't have to tell anyone, they can find out after a year or two if she takes it slowly. if she's anything like me, she's a fragile flower full of light and love that has been hidden away for so long, who is sooo happy that she found someone that she can be honest and share everything with. since you two have such a great relationship, take advantage of the open communication. if she eventually wants to transition, make her able to tell you this. be open to it, and if she decides that is what she wants to do, support her like you said. if down the road you decide that you don't want to be a couple any longer, remember the fragility. from what i hear, it sounds like you will stay with her if she decides to transition. the power of the love between you two is much stronger than the power of the fear between you and parents or society. let love win :D

if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to private message me, or find me on the chats as jojoglowe. my girlfriend doesn't have an account, but if you ever want to ask her anything, or talk with her i'm sure she would love to. i wish you both the best!

I want to thank you for being supportive of your partner. Your acceptance and even just listening is and will likely continue to be life-changing. Everyone I know who has come out or transitioned can tell you who was there for them and how much that mattered.

Regarding further changes - you'll have to be ready for the possibility. Some people know what they want from the get-go, every step of it, but I think most of us do some evolving before we come to a more complete sense of feeling whole.

The guy I was dating when I came out was very supportive. Like you, he had some trepidation about what I would become. Our romantic relationship faded out as I became more outwardly male. We remain good friends, but he's just not really into guys. That may not happen with you two. Lots of otherwise hetero relationships last far beyond transition.

Idk. She is more than welcome here and so are you. This site is an excellent place for all kinds of information and community. :)

If you want a particular topic, remember you can go to google and type in your subject and then site:susans.org. It works better than the search box at the top of the page.

Hi and welcome to Susan's. You've helped Rose out by just being there for here. In the process I believe that you have discovered some wonderful qualities in yourself.


:)

Hi everyone, thanks for all the answers - they really brighten up my day!

I know it might be silly for me to ask you lovely people instead of going straight to the main source, but I really wanted to ask you all these questions because it really helps put into perspective what I should prepare for - I don't want to be whining and worrying to her about the future all the time (I worry constantly as it is!) so it's lovely to hear all your experiences and support!! <3

Jojoglowe - Thank you so much for your answers - they really help put mine and Rose's relationship into perspective, and its so nice to be able to just see what it's like for someone else. I really hope you're right and that if she does decide to go into transitioning, that I will find enough courage to help support her - I'd really like to think love will conquer! If I have more questions I will definitely private message you, as you have been so helpful and supportive.

At this time, I am just getting used to the fact that she has her womanly days and her manly days. I've noticed when she's stressed or with friends she goes back into her manly, reserved self - does anyone else find that you have days like that? I'm learning to be patient really, and most nights, she returns to her fragile (you were right Jojoglowe), adorable self. It doesn't help that we're not actually living together yet. We have a phone call nearly every night and meet up every 2-4 weeks if we can. The distance can make it somewhat difficult to be consistent(?) with her being her and not him, but again I'm just trying to be patient.

I would really like to believe I will not let my parents' opinions stop me from doing what I want and being who I want to be, for Rose. Admittedly, I do worry that I'm getting carried away (I'm an overthinker, if you've not guessed already!), but only time will tell :)

Felix - thank you for your answer, I really hope that mine and Rose's relationship will last but that if it doesn't, we can remain close friends, thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me <3

LordKat - I will definitely try to be as open for Rose as I can be. It can be difficult, we're both strong-minded people, but I don't ever want her to feel that she can't open up to me about her worries or needs.

Jamie D - Thank you for replying. I have learnt that Rose has been depressed before about all this, and it led her to do things that I don't fully agree with. However I am determined that even if our relationship doesn't work I can still be there for her, I love her way too much to see her get that low again.

Ms Grace and Gennee - you are both absolute sweethearts. Thank you so much for putting a smile on my face!

Here's a question: I understand that most of you are from the U.S. but how easy or difficult has it been for you and your partners to find others that fall into the trans umbrella? Other than this wonderful site of course! Has there been ways for you to meet people in similar situations? Jojoglowe - did you find making friends difficult during the transitioning process?

Thanks again everyone!! *HUGS*

I was also a TGered young "man" with a girl friend/wife. We tried however it became evident that I neeed to become a woman & perhaps enjoy men. My wife & the love of my life needed a normal man.

It was very difficult since we both loved each other however we both finally went our seperate ways to find new love.

I have not read all of your posts however it may be difficult for you with your "man"

Good luck to you for a very nice life & thanks for posting.

Quote from: paprikademe on December 08, 2013, 06:58:31 PMAt this time, I am just getting used to the fact that she has her womanly days and her manly days. I've noticed when she's stressed or with friends she goes back into her manly, reserved self - does anyone else find that you have days like that?

^this sounds like me  :embarrassed:. whenever i'm stressed, or with people who i'm not out to, i revert to "guy mode." it is a sort of defense mechanism. i work in, and grew up in a somewhat bad neighborhood, growing up i learned how to walk to avoid trouble. not sure how to explain it but fast, but not too fast, busy fast, no smile, maybe look ticked off, and shoulders somewhat hunched. all of this, imho, very aggressive and masculine, like the energy of the neighborhood. i don't like walking like that, but i'll revert to it when i'm alone in the 'hood.' and voice and presentation change the same way in that situaiton, or when i'm with peeps who i'm not out to. it stinks, i'd prefer not to, but i think it makes it flow better/less awkwardness for everyone, even if more in some way for me.

like i said in a previous post, i'm hanging out with those friends less and less, and my new friends, who i'm out to, i'm hanging out with much more often. i can be myself, they're way cooler than the old friends and we actually have stuff in common. (many of my old friends, well, we just smoked and drank together, that was about it. it was a pretty destructive past, but it's over :D)

was it easy making new friends during transition? well, i would have to say yes! so, i'm mostly doing guy mode now, like for work and whenever i don't feel safe being myself. when i was introduced to my girlfriend's friends, i was in guy mode. i've always been the one who makes friends with the new kid that everyone else is picking on, or the dorky kid. lol, i was homecoming "king" in highschool, which was just a popularity contest thing. how/why did i win? well, i didn't try that's for sure, i just never picked on the younger kids, but instead tried to pass on my knowledge and be helpful, and i was friends with all types, nerds, jocks, stoners. (sorry everyone for tossing around all those labels)

...so making friends was easy for me, even easier when they are mutual friends of my girlfriend. after we made friends and i felt safe with them, on an individual level i would let them know about myself, or my gf would ask me if she could tell someone. this all happened within a few weeks of meeting everyone. they were all very nice people so i had no fear or worries. now when i hang out with her friends i can be myself, wear whatever i want. lol, i think her friends prefer me as a girl, they always say i'm much happier.

my first time going out in public was a month or two ago, it was one of my gf's friend's 21st birthday. you know what that means, BAR! it was karaoke night, and i didn't have the confidence to get up and sing a song, but... i didn't get any stares or comments the whole night and some guy kept trying to get me to dance with him. (i've got 0 dancing skills~i think it's something related to growing up a guy, you're supposed to learn to dance like a guy, no way jose, i'll dance like mick jagger)

i think the key to making friends is personal confidence/self-esteem. in my past, i had tons of it, too much . i think it was a way for me to prevent myself from facing reality-that i had none and that i was living an empty life. that superficial confidence sure earned me many superficial friends. the new, authentic confidence and self esteem i'm growing allows for more authentic friends i'm finding.

i'm very lucky in that the city i live in has a HUGE GLBT scene and is super friendly. Ok, so maybe it's more like GLBt, but better than nothin! my gf has a lot of gay friends and going to the gay bars is the best. i'm not that big on bars, but the environment is always warm and inviting, and making friends is what it's all about.

i haven't gone to any local transgender meetups or made friends with any other transgender people locally yet. sometimes someone will tell me they have a transgender friend and i think cool, we should hang out, but it usually falls through. life is busy.

well, i hope you enjoyed my latest rant. i sure can type, lol  :embarrassed:

wishing you both the best,
jojo