Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm not depressed or planning anything dreadful.  This is only a diatribe of what happens when love is gone and it's replaced by a numb cold friendship.

Even as the 35 year marriage to my wife crumbles I find she still makes feeble attempts to support me.  Our lives have changed in terrible ways, and we've long since lost what little tenderness was left in this union.  I remember holding JoAnn close to enjoy a sunset, or watch our children play.  But that's gone, and we both know it's never coming back.  I was in Michigan on our 35th anniversary, and I sent a heartfelt letter to JoAnn to express the lifelong love I've had for her.  She never mentioned receiving the letter, and I had to call to even get a comment about the day. 

So now I guess I'm spending my last month living in the home we've owned for nearly 30 years.  I don't expect to live here in June when I come back from Michigan, and I honestly don't want to.  Yet I know I'll still have  to work on the yard, and finish some things in the house to make it more desirable when it's put up for sale.  I can't talk to JoAnn about the work that needs to be done, or the plans I need to make because she gets very upset.   But I have to push.  So today I'll ask if I should plan to live in our old cabin next June, or if she wants me closer to home.  We know we're going to separate, so why can't we talk about it?

And something else is wrong.  The longer I stay here the worse I feel, and my transition isn't moving forward.  Yes, I've made progress by changing my name and adding a few things to my life, but the inner woman has stopped growing.  Everything I do is criticized, and nothing I say is right.  Since my name change she's said  she "can't afford me anymore", and that I caused her stress to double.  So it really is time to go.  Of course there is one way to give her everything she wants and needs, but I'm not going to kill myself for her.  I have a new and wonderful life, and I know JoAnn can have the same if she just lets it happen.  I don't mind selling everything we have in order to separate or divorce.  It's far better to do that than suffer in this painful slow collapse into oblivion. 

I'm trying to be realistic about our lives.  I think JoAnn should have all the things she wants, and she should be free from the stress I've caused her.  We just need to accept our losses, and move on.

I was gong to get a Christmas tree yesterday, but JoAnn doesn't want it.  We have no decorations, gifts, or cards this year.  It's very strange and scary for both of us.   Since I'm at fault for everything that's wrong in this house, I guess I killed Christmas too?

K

I'm so sorry about what's happened to  your family. It's terrible. I've always relied on god as my back up quarterback.

Your post reminds me of the joke whats the difference between a CD and TS. Most say two years. I have my own spin. One is married and the other is not.

Even though its a joke it is often true for a lot of people. I suspect that once the divorce is over you will feel freedom to do what you want to do.

Katie

Quote from: kathyk on December 14, 2013, 10:37:32 AM
Since I'm at fault for everything that's wrong in this house, I guess I killed Christmas too?

K

How is this exactly your fault? 

You change not by your own volition or desire but rather as a response to an unbearable mandate to be yourself... to be alive, to be truthful to yourself and to others -including her!

Go ahead, go out and buy yourself a xmass tree and enjoy yourself...

Divorce is always nasty, and the parties to it are never logical; lookout for yourself from now on

One thing that I have to keep reminding myself is that its not my fault.. I was born with a birth defect the same as you, I've corroded inside for years trying to selflessly be the person that everyone expected me to be, and I finally got to the point that I had to live for myself or die.

I know that your situation is the same Kathy. Yes, it is regrettable and sad, but for us to stay alive we have to become what we should have been all along. A few marriages with very special wives make it, but most other wives can't bridge the gap. Mine sure couldn't.

You will survive this because you are a strong woman. We have to be to strong to get through this. Hang in there.

 Kathy, sorry for your pain. It is not the best time of year for bad things to happen. Consider this though, even though you may be going your separate ways, by transitioning, you have saved yourself, which means that should the woman you love need you at any time, you are still here for her.

By the way, you have certainly not killed Christmas. We had a plague of carol singers around earlier.  It is still going ahead this side of the pond. Please try harder ! Humbug. :P

Nikki

Sorry to hear that Christmas has passed for you, Kathy.  But if it is any consolation, you can begin your own tradition in a new place.

Kathy, I know all about the pain you feel. I wish i could tell you just one word to make it all go away. One word i can say is TIME.

In time things do get better.

Look forward now and not back, you can not change the past and they are now just memories, work on tomorrow and the next being they are your days to life.

I wish any of us that was or are married to not have to deal with the loss of love. It happens more then not and maybe someday it will stop being a issue with others moving forward.

Hugs and please take some time for Kathy and do not let the pressures of the holiday get you down. Find a good outlet for your inner happiness of your future to dwell.
Izzy

Stay strong and look to the future, hope you the best.

Thank you girls.  I'll survive.  :)  I have a place to live, and enough money to get by.  After all, I most likely wouldn't be alive today if this transition hadn't started 18 months ago.  I know where I'm going, and why I'm still here today. 

JoAnn and I may be angry, but we aren't hateful.  And it's just a simple fact now that after mid January I just can't live with with her anymore.  And she's tired of living with me.

Katie.  You said in another post that you finally left your wife and children behind to be free.  I know what you meant now.  I'm just doing things a little differently, but with the same result.  I won't stay, even if I could.

I'm so sorry. :( I've been hoping that, as hard as you fought to keep this marriage together, you'd be one of those who could make it work. But you can't force her to feel what she won't, and after what she's been putting you through, freedom might be a source of joy as well as sorrow.

Correction I never said I left my wife and kids behind. I don't even have kids. LOL. She divorced me and two weeks later I started transition. My story is NOT unique. LOL

She did not leave me because I was trans though. I was very good at pretending to be a boy, the problem was I ignored her most of the time because I didn't like her!

Quote from: Katie on December 14, 2013, 07:54:59 PM
Correction I never said I left my wife and kids behind. I don't even have kids. LOL. She divorced me and two weeks later I started transition. My story is NOT unique. LOL

She did not leave me because I was trans though. I was very good at pretending to be a boy, the problem was I ignored her most of the time because I didn't like her!

My mistake.  Should'a looked back through the old posts. 

Hugs, freedom is not free and you have paid the price.

Sharing anything would be tough at this point.

As an outsider looking in, and based only on this post, it sounds like you both would be happier if you severed all ties. It sounds like being separated and trying to stay close is not working. This is of course made difficult by children, but millions of divorced couples have worked out arrangements.
I feel for you, specially at this time of year, when everybody is thinking about family. We all have to deal with the collateral damage of transition, and it can be far more difficult than imagined when we started. My prayers are with you.

You didn't ruin Christmas. She's the one that's wanting to not have Christmas as a way to punish you. If you want Christmas, get the tree. She's going to be out the door anyways, no need furthering the suffering by letting her take your celebrations / traditions away too.

BTW I'm not painting Jo Ann as the bad guy, but it is what it is. You've gotta stop letting her drain you, because just about every post you make about her makes it sound like a sad John Denver song.

->-bleeped-<-, that sucks.

Hang in there, eh? I hear it gets better.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on December 15, 2013, 10:04:29 AM
.... You've gotta stop letting her drain you, because just about every post you make about her makes it sound like a sad John Denver song.

Yup.  Better just end the song now.

Well, last night I opened the discussion about breaking up our marriage.  JoAnn wasn't surprised, and bluntly told me she wants me to start contracting out work around the houses here in California and in Michigan so we can sell them.  In fact we're selling everything since she decided we're legally separating or divorcing.  She offered to let me keep a rental house in Michigan, but I'm not sure I even want that.  I'm moving out of this house in January and taking everything I want with me, or storing it.  I'm going to ask my younger son, who's out of work right now to help ebay and craigslist a lot of my antiques and collectables.  I don't have room for the 35 years of collecting.

It's over, and we're both loosing.  She's angry, and I'm relieved.

K

Kathy I am feeling your pain. I am just starting to be honest with who I am and because I am becoming more me my wife and I just sit in the same room miles apart. I know no words can assuage the pain of what you are going through and I am facing but I like you am glad to have found the wonderful people here. I have very few close to me for comfort and Susan's is a life line. I pray for your strength through this and thank you for leading the way for the rest of us! You have a friend in Ohio!

Quote from: kellizgirl on December 18, 2013, 08:11:47 AM
... You have a friend in Ohio!

Thank you Kelli.  I feel the same about Susan's.  It's a beautiful thing to have you and the rest of the girls here when everything falls apart.  Sometimes there's no place to go, and sadness can't be burried.

I'll be talking to my sons today, and I know I'm going to be crying.  ->-bleeped-<-, I'm crying now.  Funny how I've nearly completely erased every piece of my old life in 18 months. 

K

That is one of my biggest fears moving forward. I have 5 kids 22, 18, 15, 6, and 5. If I could no longer be in their life I am not sure if I could handle that. They have no idea yet, but the day of revelation is getting closer and I have no idea how they will take the news. I am scared as hell, but I can no longer live the lie!

Quote from: kellizgirl on December 18, 2013, 10:33:24 AM
That is one of my biggest fears moving forward. I have 5 kids 22, 18, 15, 6, and 5. If I could no longer be in their life I am not sure if I could handle that. They have no idea yet, but the day of revelation is getting closer and I have no idea how they will take the news. I am scared as hell, but I can no longer live the lie!

I also have 5 kids,  21 to 13... and all of them love me just the way I am... they did know since they can remember, however, we went through the transition and divorce together, and well, there were some hard times. interestingly, my youngest one was , a girl, was and is the most zealot defender, she has call me Mom since forever.  My 17 YO boy has gone to blows to defend me, God bless his heart...I think it was the hardest for my old boy...but now after a few years he even joke about...

So, be yourself, share your emotions, and feelings with them, listen to what they have to said...and well ....



all the best,

Peky

Quote from: kellizgirl on December 18, 2013, 10:33:24 AM
That is one of my biggest fears moving forward. I have 5 kids 22, 18, 15, 6, and 5. If I could no longer be in their life I am not sure if I could handle that. They have no idea yet, but the day of revelation is getting closer and I have no idea how they will take the news. I am scared as hell, but I can no longer live the lie!

I have two daughters in college, and I'm recently out to both of them. The oldest one has some gay friends and some cool views on LGBT people and I think she would immediately stand up and defend who I am to anyone in a heartbeat. The youngest one is still exploring how she feels; it's all new to her and it'll take awhile but she hasn't rejected me. She is coming to see me for Christmas and hopefully we will get a chance to talk and I can explain some things to her.

My thoughts are with you; it's one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. Hopefully it will go well.

Quote from: kathyk on December 18, 2013, 09:05:38 AM


Thank you Kelli.  I feel the same about Susan's.  It's a beautiful thing to have you and the rest of the girls here when everything falls apart.  Sometimes there's no place to go, and sadness can't be burried.

I'll be talking to my sons today, and I know I'm going to be crying.  ->-bleeped-<-, I'm crying now.  Funny how I've nearly completely erased every piece of my old life in 18 months. 

K

Your old life was built on the premise that you were a man. You were a woman and you needed to set yourself free. Your old life/self lives on inside your heart.

You may feel sad about the changes, but you made a choice to live. No one in this world can blame someone or point their finger at someone for wanting to live. Everyone has a right to live and those who cannot accept you or make you feel bad about yourself are projecting their negative thoughts onto you. It's not our fault that we were born this way. No one can make you feel inferior unless you give them your consent to do so.

Thank you to everyone, I feel like a real loser today. I had to listen to my wife cry herself to sleep last night. I am very depressed. I am just rying to get through today. kathk I hope your days get brighter. Love all my sisters on Susan's, thank God for everyone of you!

Quote from: kellizgirl on December 19, 2013, 10:35:20 AM
... I feel like a real loser today. I had to listen to my wife cry herself to sleep last night. I am very depressed. ....

Oh God I hate it when that happens.  I feel for you and your wife, and wish there was something more to say as a comfort.  But the relationship between a husband and wife is so intimate that even other married persons can't really understand how another couple is effected by all this. 

The last time JoAnn cried for an hour in bed was when my transition caused our  son and his wife to cancel a part of our thanksgiving.  She felt worst about it than I did, and it hurt me deeply.

K

Quote from: kellizgirl on December 19, 2013, 10:35:20 AM
Thank you to everyone, I feel like a real loser today. I had to listen to my wife cry herself to sleep last night. I am very depressed. I am just rying to get through today. kathk I hope your days get brighter. Love all my sisters on Susan's, thank God for everyone of you!

To Kelli and Kathy I can only say I totally empathise with what you are both going through. So am I ... marriage falling apart: check! terrified about the effect on my kids: check! miserable Christmas: check! beloved family home being sold, and with it all my hopeless dreams of a 'normal' family life as a husband and father: check!

BUT ... determined to go ahead and find my true self: check, check, CHECK!!