Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I knew at 4 when I knew I had wait to wear my sister clothes when the lights were out. Then when I was 7  I started holding the hand of  the boy my age from down the street and walking hand in hand around the neighborhood. I confessed to him I wore my sisters clothes. I didn't realize then I was different , looking back it explained my life.

Quote from: evecrook on December 14, 2013, 03:29:45 PM
I knew at 4 when I knew I had wait to wear my sister clothes when the lights were out. Then when I was 7  I started holding the hand of  the boy my age from down the street and walking hand in hand around the neighborhood. I confessed to him I wore my sisters clothes. I didn't realize then I was different , looking back it explained my life.

I can remember praying to Santa as a three or four year old to wake up a girl and for him to bring me a girls' wardrobe of clothing for Christmas.

Wearing a tutu at age 5, loving it, and then absolutely despairing when it didn't fit any more. That's one for my shrink!

At age 4 I told my mom I wanted a girls' one piece swimsuit instead of the trunks I had and I got the lecture about what is "appropriate for boys".  The first of many...

Quote from: jussmoi4nao on December 14, 2013, 03:48:24 PM
There was never a time that I can remember where I didn't intensely want to be female and I remember I started liking boys at around age 5 (but I didn't get super boy crazy til 11). Definably, since age four, since that's the time when my memories start. As I said, it was always there, every single day and was always very intense..it wasn't incidents surrounded by confusion or ambiguity, I've always known exactly what I wanted and felt completely female. In fact, I remember at 6 or 7 I told myself "I AM a girl inside, just no one else but me knows it"...I alwys think it's funny how even at such a young age I was able to formulate such a complex idea and separate this from my other desires at the time as something that was more fundamental and innate..

Then after puberty things got reaaally bad and depressing. For a while that was a very terrible time in my life that I prefer to forget entirely..

that's exactly what happened to me around puberty

At 7 and going to an all boys school and thinking I should be in the girls school.

At age 5 I began to pray every night that I would wake up as a girl.  A few times I cried over it.  I would get up in sthe middle of the night and look at the girls clothes in the Sears and JCPenney catalogs.  Cannot number how many conversations...and condemnations...I had from my mom.  It got much, much worse at puberty as I not only prayed for a change to happen, but also put my thoughts on paper, which were found by my mom.  Much, much, much more...but to answer the original question, age 5 and it does NOT go away, even if you are the one trying to make it so.  You canmt remove yourself from, well, yourself.

vaguely maybe 3-5 ish several small memories, but one in particular was we were at a cousins house or friends I don't remember, and they were going to take me in the pool but all they had were girls swim suits as my mom didn't bring the appropriate attire, and I was very excited at the idea of swing and wearing a girls swimsuit,..... she had me swim in underwear :(   for certain I'd say 7-8, I just didn't fit in, my best friends were girls and so much more, but I didn't really understand at the time or how to express it. so....

Quote from: calico on December 14, 2013, 04:54:45 PM
vaguely maybe 3-5 ish several small memories, but one in particular was we were at a cousins house or friends I don't remember, and they were going to take me in the pool but all they had were girls swim suits as my mom didn't bring the appropriate attire, and I was very excited at the idea of swing and wearing a girls swimsuit,..... she had me swim in underwear :(   for certain I'd say 7-8, I just didn't fit in, my best friends were girls and so much more, but I didn't really understand at the time or how to express it. so....

It's definitely an experience to go through in life

Quote from: Jill F on December 14, 2013, 03:38:22 PM
At age 4 I told my mom I wanted a girls' one piece swimsuit instead of the trunks I had and I got the lecture about what is "appropriate for boys".  The first of many...

I also knew at age 4. I remember my mom asked me what I wanted for my 5th birthday and I said that I wanted a purse. I didn't think anything of it but she thought it was "abnormal."

Also 3 or 4 YO...


I remember seeing my twin sister's growing breast, and all I had was a flat chest...I cried so hard....

Quote from: peky on December 14, 2013, 05:06:33 PM
Also 3 or 4 YO...


I remember seeing my twin sister's growing breast, and all I had was a flat chest...I cried so hard....

that breast thing caused a lot of problems for me to, especially when I had to stuff my sisters bra

It wasnt until middle school that I realized that the things I was doing alone were "abnormal"...

I though that dressing in womens clothes  or make up was something that all boys were experimenting with,,,never have I been so wrong...

I hadnt any disphoria though,,,when i was a child my body was nowhere close to masculine so it was kinda ok,,,when puberty struck me , well then I started to see...

I always did "things" alone , always had "dreams" and "fantasies" it just took me a while to realize , that this   was going to become my future and only hope...

I knew I was different since 8 maybe,,,dont really have a good memory I might be missing things...
Hhhm I think one time ,must have been around 5 , I was with my mom and I saw a girl with really beautiful legs, I remember I kinda wished to have those too when i grow up ,,,my mom notices I was looking at the girl and she said its too early...didnt get it back then , neither did she  :-X


@btw evercrook your  story was very dramatic...what happened with that boy after you told him you were wearing girls clothes ? if you dont mind of course...

Probably puberty when I started getting hair everywhere.

Quote from: Jill F on December 14, 2013, 03:38:22 PM
At age 4 I told my mom I wanted a girls' one piece swimsuit instead of the trunks I had and I got the lecture about what is "appropriate for boys".  The first of many...

I got the lecture from my older brother at about the same age.  Prior to that I was friends with all the neighborhood girls and enjoyed going out to play.
But playing with girls was just something that 'boys do not do'.  Under my brother's "supervision", I don't remember having any other friends until well past the 5th grade and no social life until he left home when I was in the 9th grade.

Long story short. I still hate him decades later.

Quote from: FalsePrincess on December 14, 2013, 05:53:22 PM
It wasnt until middle school that I realized that the things I was doing alone were "abnormal"...

I though that dressing in womens clothes  or make up was something that all boys were experimenting with,,,never have I been so wrong...

I hadnt any disphoria though,,,when i was a child my body was nowhere close to masculine so it was kinda ok,,,when puberty struck me , well then I started to see...

I always did "things" alone , always had "dreams" and "fantasies" it just took me a while to realize , that this   was going to become my future and only hope...

I knew I was different since 8 maybe,,,dont really have a good memory I might be missing things...
Hhhm I think one time ,must have been around 5 , I was with my mom and I saw a girl with really beautiful legs, I remember I kinda wished to have those too when i grow up ,,,my mom notices I was looking at the girl and she said its too early...didnt get it back then , neither did she  :-X


@btw evercrook your  story was very dramatic...what happened with that boy after you told him you were wearing girls clothes ? if you dont mind of course...     I'll tell you the whole story. Before we met, he lived about 5 houses down the street. I use to play out in front with the girls who lived near by never talked to him. One day he came up to me with a small shovel and said if I didn't talk to him he'd hit me over the head with it. I was an incredibly introverted kid, wouldn't talk to any one. I decided to talk to him and are friendship just blossomed. I consider him my first boy friend . He was a lot taller then me ,but we were the same age. I don't know why I started holding his hand ,but I felt very comfortable doing it. I felt pretty safe too. I guess my mother and his mother saw us walking around holding hands. One day my mother came up to me and told me that I wasn't allowed to talk to him. that lasted a day or two; I saw him in the back of my house and he told me to come to him and I did. Our parents never said any thing again. The story of me telling him that I dressed up I don't remember when it happened but after I told him he never said any thing about it'

 :-\  something I remember doing every time I actually swam and I hated to swim up till well... ya'all know.. was when I did swim I wouldn't go swimming without wearing a shirt. I felt so wrong if I didn't wear something to cover me up. :'(

32. No, really. For the longest time I figured since I didn't have one of the "knew since childhood" stories that I wasn't REALLY trans, but hey, I transitioned and I'm blissfully happy about it, so I guess I was after all. :)

(I also feel that I really was a boy and then a man for a while... but people can change.)

Quote from: calico on December 14, 2013, 06:22:21 PM
:-\  something I remember doing every time I actually swam and I hated to swim up till well... ya'all know.. was when I did swim I wouldn't go swimming without wearing a shirt. I felt so wrong if I didn't wear something to cover me up. :'(

I have always felt this too. I got better at 'toughing it out' with time and pretending that I didn't care, but this summer when we went to beach I felt completely undressed. In retrospect this may have been the last of many final straws.

My first inkling was wanting the red patent leather shoes with the straps for school instead of the black leather boys shoes at 5. My mother was not impressed ;D

        I remember about 4 or 5, but it really was bad in my teens and
     early 20s
, I was doing a lot of drinking then, until I joined AA. but  it saved my life.

    janis
     

3 when it became distinctly known. A photograph brought it to light.

Probably knew at 5, but it didn't become a major problem until I was 9 or 10.. :/

I was 5yrs and my family and I went to see Annie on Broadway.  I totally adored Annie, so when we got home, the first thing I did was run upstairs into my sister's closet.  I found the closest outfit in there to match Annie's outfit, and I was instantly hooked!  Maybe I should have named myself Annie :P.  Thats the first moment I remember.

Next thing I recall was 2nd grade and our class was in PE.  The PE teacher had everyone hold hands in a circle Boy-Girl-Boy-Girl.  I would have nothing to do with it!  I felt that if I was holding hands with a girl on each side then that would make me a boy....uh uh..wasn't happening!  I got in trouble and my Mom was called up to school because I would not follow the instructions :(. 

**Stacy

Like so many I can remember knowing something was wrong from about 4.
This was when gender is forced upon children in preschool and you must fit in.
It caused many tears and confusion at an early age.

I hated it and withdrew completely as I knew I was wrong and became very introverted. I told my mum, but she died before I was 10.
Things went bad, very bad after this and it surfaced again in mid teens and has never really left.
Struggled to burry it for many years living in fear but no longer.

Very happy now and should have opened up years ago.

J

Quote from: Albina on December 15, 2013, 12:49:02 AM
More or less stable memories starts when I was at age 5-6. I guess that my dear mother always wanted a girl first, and she dressed me very neatly and kind of girlishly. I remember that I often was taken for a girl by women-strangers, who usually exclaimed to my parents "What a cutie girl you have!" It made me blush, and I was just mumbling "I am not a girl, I am a boy!", though I was enjoying inside and wanting to say "Yes, I am!".

That's almost exactly the way it was for me too. When I was three and had long curly blond hair, I would constantly get mistaken for a girl. People would always tell me mom what a beautiful little girl I was, and while I would always feel a little embarrassed and correct them that I was in fact a boy, I secretly felt very flattered by it. The funny thing is, whenever anyone would pay me a similar compliment as a boy, saying I was handsome or something like that, I would always feel resentful about it, even though I didn't understand exactly why. So yea, I guess at around three was the first time I felt like I really wanted to be a girl. But I was always too embarrassed to act out on those feelings, and whenever I got caught doing something girly (usually because I didn't realize it was girly at the time), I would always deny it and make up excuses. So I don't really have any stories about wearing dresses at a young age, or anything like that. At the time, I accepted that I was male, and I tried to fit that identity as best I could. It wasn't until I hit puberty when the real dysphoria started.

I didn't work it out until I was 12.. But I always knew that I was different to my male 'peers' before that,, Looking back, I had a fairly gender neutral childhood, so that might be why it took a while.

Quote from: Jenny07 on December 15, 2013, 12:33:17 AM
Like so many I can remember knowing something was wrong from about 4.
This was when gender is forced upon children in preschool and you must fit in.
It caused many tears and confusion at an early age.

As I mentioned, I had a fairly gender neutral childhood. I was never forced in to any particular role.. My best friend for the first 4 years of school was a girl.. And even after I moved and went to a new school, I was always welcomed by both the boys and girls. Early high school was a preview of hell..

I wore my sister cloths and mom's makeup when I told my mom at 5 and defiantly felt female before 5.

It depends on what you mean.  I knew something was different with me for all of my life, but I didn't come to the realization that I was meant to be a girl until I turned 10.  My younger childhood allowed me more freedom to experiment and gender bend.  Growing up with two older sisters and female friends gave me more room to have fun and boy/female didn't enter my mind.  Once I turned 10 and childhood was ending, I realized I wasn't supposed to be in a boys body. 

Quote from: Jenny07 on December 15, 2013, 12:33:17 AM
Like so many I can remember knowing something was wrong from about 4.
This was when gender is forced upon children in preschool and you must fit in.
It caused many tears and confusion at an early age.

I hated it and withdrew completely as I knew I was wrong and became very introverted. I told my mum, but she died before I was 10.
Things went bad, very bad after this and it surfaced again in mid teens and has never really left.
Struggled to burry it for many years living in fear but no longer.         

Very happy now and should have opened up years ago.

J

same thing with me . my mom knew about me dressing up. she died when I was 9

Different? When I started 1st grade at age 5 and I began to catch he... well, a rough existence. I did not fit in then, and it continued all through school. I knew something was different between me and the other boys, but had no clue what it might be. It was the late 60's and we didn't have the internet or any knowledge of transgender, so it remained a mystery for years. I had no clues like playing with dolls or crossdressing to help me figure it out. I just thought that I was a guy that wasn't quite like the other guys LOL..... little did I know!

Wrong? When I was 50 and I was drinking myself to death. In desperation I went to see a therapist and we eventually worked around to the fact that I am a transsexual. I remember sitting on her couch absolutely stunned with disbelief. I also knew with a sense of dread what was going to happen with my life then, and ever since then I've been sadly watching it unfold piece by piece by piece; the bad and the good; like a tragic play.

Quote from: calico on December 14, 2013, 06:22:21 PM
:-\  something I remember doing every time I actually swam and I hated to swim up till well... ya'all know.. was when I did swim I wouldn't go swimming without wearing a shirt. I felt so wrong if I didn't wear something to cover me up. :'(

I can relate :/

I remember  when I was 9, my cousin jaynie and I were playing with dolls and makeup, while our brothers were running around doing whatever it is that little boys do. that's when I first really knew that I wasn't the same.

Guess I'm in the minority. I never had any real differences whatsoever as a kid. In fact, I actually hated super-girly stuff. (And super-boyish stuff too, but I digress.) I did get picked on for being a whiner and being a lousy athlete, but I didn't think that was anything too unusual. But then puberty hit, and all hell broke loose. I started hating EVERYTHING about my body and about how my mind was starting to work, and I got gender dysphoria REALLY bad. So I may not have been very girlish until I had the impetus of gender dysphoria to guide me toward it, but my body and my mind definitely did not like testosterone one bit, and said "what the hell is this crap?" when it was flooded with T instead of E. That's really when I noticed that something was wrong.

I didn't get clued in that there was a problem until I was 5 and started school - gendered washrooms were a problem! - and by 8 I understood just how bad the problem was. Of course adults in my life knew there was trouble long before I did because I had always identified as a girl and kept correcting them. By puberty I was in full rebellion against my assigned gender and that got progressively worse through my teens until I finally found a surgeon I could afford at age 24. That was a LONG time ago and I hope it is better for the youngsters these days - it would seem to be based on the media stories I hear about transsexual children getting help!

Quote from: Carrie Liz on December 17, 2013, 01:03:18 AM
Guess I'm in the minority. I never had any real differences whatsoever as a kid. In fact, I actually hated super-girly stuff. (And super-boyish stuff too, but I digress.) I did get picked on for being a whiner and being a lousy athlete, but I didn't think that was anything too unusual. But then puberty hit, and all hell broke loose. I started hating EVERYTHING about my body and about how my mind was starting to work, and I got gender dysphoria REALLY bad. So I may not have been very girlish until I had the impetus of gender dysphoria to guide me toward it, but my body and my mind definitely did not like testosterone one bit, and said "what the hell is this crap?" when it was flooded with T instead of E. That's really when I noticed that something was wrong.

I don't think you're in that small of a minority. While there were definitely differences between me and an average boy my age, I wasn't super girly or anything. More like extremely not masculine. I didn't start feeling strong dysphoria until I was teenager either, and even then I just tried to cover it up and deny it existed.

Quote from: Eva Marie on December 15, 2013, 09:32:29 AM
Wrong? When I was 50 and I was drinking myself to death. In desperation I went to see a therapist and we eventually worked around to the fact that I am a transsexual. I remember sitting on her couch absolutely stunned with disbelief. I also knew with a sense of dread what was going to happen with my life then, and ever since then I've been sadly watching it unfold piece by piece by piece; the bad and the good; like a tragic play.

Eva,
The tough part about drinking yourself to death is that sometimes you don't die.  I found the steps 25 years ago and haven't had to drink or drug since, but life continued to be chaotic until I was finally able to openly admit to myself a couple of years ago the truth that I have pretty much always known.  Then it took me a while to begin HRT, and even longer to find my way to therapy. 

So now what? My life is mine to celebrate or mourn as I choose.  Now that I know who I am (more or less) it is up to me to become a woman who I would like to know.  This isn't tragic, it is life.  The price of transition pales to the cost of remaining a shadow.  I do not know where or how this will end but sixteen months into becoming me there are more doors to open, and no need to regret the ones that must close.

I am not victimized by life, nor am I a victimizor.  When I am willing to participate in life, life participates back.  When I'm not it gets very dark.  I hope you choose the light.

Love

Julie-

I know that the hard/unpleasant stuff comes before the good stuff and that's what I was talking about when I said that I knew what was coming. My 25 year marriage to my sweetheart is now on the skids and I miss her terribly, the coming out process is happening slowly, and coming out at work is the next big hurdle.

I have seen some glimpses of the life to come and that keeps me going through the hard stuff.

Getting off the alcohol is still a project and some days are better than others. It's been 34 years of abusing it and when bad things happen it tempts me. To be honest sometimes I win that battle and sometimes I don't. Still, if I hadn't accepted that I'm trans I'd still be down at the bottom of that bottle and not able to even think about crawling out.

Eva,
My marriage is also disappearing and so I sometimes cry.  I can't blame her, she is a normal heterosexual woman and can neither imagine nor desires being with someone like me.  But as with alcohol, you don't have to do this alone.  I could not sober up until I accepted that I was alcoholic, I could not become authentic until I accepted my femininity.  I can do neither solo, and the process is not and I do not expect it to ever be complete.  I spent 58 years feeling lonely, angry, different and afraid.  Those feelings are still waiting for me if I pick up a drink or deny who I am. 

I'm still only out at work to a select few who truly care.  The rest will meet Julie once the face fuzz gets a bit thinner come spring.  Transitioning is costing me my life partner, at least in any intimate way, and several hundred thousand dollars in community property.  But that is a good value, since the alternative is depression and death.  Just my take, everyone has to find their own way.  There is nothing about being in the wrong body that is fair.  There is nothing about being dependent of alcohol that is fair.  Neither is a choice, and neither contains fault.  It is all I can do to live my life as well and as honestly as I can willingly do.  I stumble with honesty often.  I am unsure most of the time.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Blessings

It's amazing hearing other's experiences as they are all so similar to what I've personally experienced.

I remember from a young age being totally embarrassed about going swimming without a t-shirt on, I thought it was just weird.

I remember playing video games with my cousin as a child and always picking the girls, I would always make up some random excuse about why I did it as I was aware that it was not typically behaviour - even as a young child.

I was always ultra sensitive and would cry uncontrollably if I was ever told off, and would never be able to fight or argue with anyone as it left me feeling shaken up and traumatised.

I have always been incredibly affectionate towards other human beings and also animals, and I have heaps of sympathy for people.

I guess when puberty started I had a feeling that something bad was coming and told myself to "enjoy life now" as I could almost sense something terrible knocking at the door. Body and facial hair started growing and I remember my parents kept suggesting getting me an electric shaver as a Christmas present, after having refused lessons from my dad on wet shaving (I was so embarrassed about talking about it, let alone doing it). I was so upset by this suggestion of a present and felt so ashamed at having to remove hair from my face. I started going on antidepressants at age 14, despite my doctor's reluctance due to my young age, I assured him that I was really on the edge and needed some stability fast. So I'm 18 now and am still on antidepressants, but have finally come to terms with my transsexualism. I guess it was at 15 that I finally realised what was wrong with me after searching my feelings on Google and browsing through forums and sites. It has been a pretty dire 5-6 years but I'm hoping now I can find some peace and get the help I had refused myself for so long due to embarrassment  shame and self loathing.

Edit: I started using Second Life in my early teens, I used my debit card at age 14 for age verification and it somehow let me pass as an 18 year old? Anyway, I used to spend any pocket money I earned on buying pretty clothes for my avatar, probably spending up to about £150 over the course of 2 years. It helped me get through my feelings by having this release, being able to put my feminine personality into this beautifully constructed avatar. But it also made me feel very depressed when I stopped playing it and realised I had to go back into boy mode. The funny thing is, even though I was using this program, I didn't actually realise for ages that I was trans, I thought it meant I was just gay or something - even though I had attraction towards both men and women.

It sounds like you could use a therapist trained in transgender awareness

I knew from the earliest conscious  awareness  of my youth . I remember always wearing my older sisters clothes. I think eventually she got tired of me doing it because as I grew older I realized she didn't like me very much. I had no where else to turn for clothes so I kept doing it until my younger sister  gave me two garbage bags filled with her clothes. I must of known it wasn't the proper thing to do because I couldn't wear them to school and the fact I had to hide when doing it. Also once my mother left her girdle in the bath room. I remember looking at it for a while try to think if I should put it on or not. This when I was about 6 or 7. For some reason no matter how hard I try I can't remember if I put it on or not .I know I wanted to, but that's as far as I get in my memory.

I have known almost my entire life. As far back as i could remember i hoped and prayed that i would wake up a girl so i could wear cute dresses and skirts. When i was in 5th grade and was home alone after school i started sneaking into my moms room to wear her undies, dresses, skirts and so on and everything felt soo right that i wished i never had to change out of them.

I learned at age 4-5. I had a boy and a girl cousin that were my age, a year younger then me, the boy age 3. We would all play together, and sleepover, etc. I always wanted to play with my girl cousin and with easybake oven, barbers, play dress up in girls clothes, etc. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, just what I liked and made me feel good.

My dad caught me playing with dolls and baby strollers, etc., and then shamed me, and told me I was a boy and should play with the hot wheels and G.I. joe with my boy cousin. I remember this very well, because he made me feel really bad and ashamed and I couldn't understand why. I still played with my girl cousin and clothes, I just was more careful not to let my dad catch me.

Well when I was little I was sitting in my PE class secretly wishing I was a girl, I did like girly things but I didn't care until puberty, when I started becoming uncomfortable with my shirt off and often looked at my back in the mirror admiring how feminine it was. When I was 16 I came out to myself because I was upset that I couldn't get pregnant and I was tired of people identifying me as a guy and my body dysphoria was significantly worse by then.

I have known something was different/wrong since I can remember, but it took me until I was eighteen to really figure out that I was undoubtedly trans, and another year to do something about it.

My first definitve memory was around age 6 or 7 when I was in primary school and not allowed to play girl games with the girls and I did not want to play boy games. I was standing there at the corner of the playground and watching envious how the girls played with such joy and lightness. That feeling haunted me forever then (wanting to feel light and moving with lightness). Before age 6 I do not have any memories at all anyways :(
Sometime after that I was sent to my childhood psychologist because I became very introverted and was considered to be weird because I did not play with the boys and was very quiet, sensitive and all that.
At around age 8 to 12 I was doing pony riding a lot and I was one of the few kids there that would be regarded a "boy" who would do this a lot. I loved it :) - but I felt that I was supposed to be just another girl and envied the other girls for being friends in a group while I was excluded. I became a loner throughout puberty. Puberty was worst of all. I am crying now everytime I think of it. I could not cry back then. Never could. I died emotionally with puberty. So much wrongness. It took me until I was in my early 20ies to find something called usenet and internet which was really only because I became a nerd during puberty, because back then "internet" was not mainstream (14k and 56k modems via landline). Then I found out - about trans* - about transitioning , about hormones. I was still uncertain. I was thinking of myself as a pervert - a "boy who wants to be a girl", which for me also had someties sexual aspects as I was imagining to have "girl sex". I knew how it should feel like, how my body should be like and during puberty thought that maybe one day they would do a surgery on me and find that under that skin there was a vagina and more. So for thinking all tha tI considered myself to be deviant. I did so for a while after starting transitioning as in the support group everyone talked about how they dressed and how they wanted to "live as women" and for me this was less important so I thought maybe I am not transsexual because for me so much focus was on the body and not the rest. Now I know that I am "right", that what I felt was body dysphoria and that it is quite common with transsexuals who have known early on that something was wrong. Just not all of the ones I met were like this and those that were probably did not talk about it a lot.

Quote from: anjaq on December 23, 2013, 02:52:12 PM
My first definitve memory was around age 6 or 7 when I was in primary school and not allowed to play girl games with the girls and I did not want to play boy games. I was standing there at the corner of the playground and watching envious how the girls played with such joy and lightness. That feeling haunted me forever then (wanting to feel light and moving with lightness). Before age 6 I do not have any memories at all anyways :(
Sometime after that I was sent to my childhood psychologist because I became very introverted and was considered to be weird because I did not play with the boys and was very quiet, sensitive and all that.
At around age 8 to 12 I was doing pony riding a lot and I was one of the few kids there that would be regarded a "boy" who would do this a lot. I loved it :) - but I felt that I was supposed to be just another girl and envied the other girls for being friends in a group while I was excluded. I became a loner throughout puberty. Puberty was worst of all. I am crying now everytime I think of it. I could not cry back then. Never could. I died emotionally with puberty. So much wrongness. It took me until I was in my early 20ies to find something called usenet and internet which was really only because I became a nerd during puberty, because back then "internet" was not mainstream (14k and 56k modems via landline). Then I found out - about trans* - about transitioning , about hormones. I was still uncertain. I was thinking of myself as a pervert - a "boy who wants to be a girl", which for me also had someties sexual aspects as I was imagining to have "girl sex". I knew how it should feel like, how my body should be like and during puberty thought that maybe one day they would do a surgery on me and find that under that skin there was a vagina and more. So for thinking all tha tI considered myself to be deviant. I did so for a while after starting transitioning as in the support group everyone talked about how they dressed and how they wanted to "live as women" and for me this was less important so I thought maybe I am not transsexual because for me so much focus was on the body and not the rest. Now I know that I am "right", that what I felt was body dysphoria and that it is quite common with transsexuals who have known early on that something was wrong. Just not all of the ones I met were like this and those that were probably did not talk about it a lot.

Your story is so similar to  mine.   I didn't realize until much later I needed to transition. I was also a tortured introvert. The best time of my life was when I met a bunch of girls that went to a girls college. they accepted me as girl friend and my soul cried.

Quote from: anjaq on December 23, 2013, 02:52:12 PM
My first definitve memory was around age 6 or 7 when I was in primary school and not allowed to play girl games with the girls and I did not want to play boy games. I was standing there at the corner of the playground and watching envious how the girls played with such joy and lightness. That feeling haunted me forever then (wanting to feel light and moving with lightness). Before age 6 I do not have any memories at all anyways :(
Sometime after that I was sent to my childhood psychologist because I became very introverted and was considered to be weird because I did not play with the boys and was very quiet, sensitive and all that.
At around age 8 to 12 I was doing pony riding a lot and I was one of the few kids there that would be regarded a "boy" who would do this a lot. I loved it :) - but I felt that I was supposed to be just another girl and envied the other girls for being friends in a group while I was excluded. I became a loner throughout puberty. Puberty was worst of all. I am crying now everytime I think of it. I could not cry back then. Never could. I died emotionally with puberty. So much wrongness. It took me until I was in my early 20ies to find something called usenet and internet which was really only because I became a nerd during puberty, because back then "internet" was not mainstream (14k and 56k modems via landline). Then I found out - about trans* - about transitioning , about hormones. I was still uncertain. I was thinking of myself as a pervert - a "boy who wants to be a girl", which for me also had someties sexual aspects as I was imagining to have "girl sex". I knew how it should feel like, how my body should be like and during puberty thought that maybe one day they would do a surgery on me and find that under that skin there was a vagina and more. So for thinking all tha tI considered myself to be deviant. I did so for a while after starting transitioning as in the support group everyone talked about how they dressed and how they wanted to "live as women" and for me this was less important so I thought maybe I am not transsexual because for me so much focus was on the body and not the rest. Now I know that I am "right", that what I felt was body dysphoria and that it is quite common with transsexuals who have known early on that something was wrong. Just not all of the ones I met were like this and those that were probably did not talk about it a lot.

I just started crying again your story is so much like mine

Stephanie, I hope your crying is a good thing and it is not too much causing you hurt. Hugs. I think this story probably is similar to what many of us experienced. Sometimes I wish I had told my childhood psych about why I became introvert, but I did not dare to. Just like I did not dare to tell anyone ever even as a child what is going on. I was a smart kid, I knew that what I felt was not how I was supposed to feel according to what parents and peers and teachers thought to be acceptable, so I kept it all to myself. So sad really, but I realized that maybe this also saved something about me. I build an armor around myself that defended my self against bad stuff that would happen to me as a result of me being different. that armor was my "guy-robot", that was pretending to be a guy to the world. It was not working great, people still saw I am different, it never managed to be really masculine and at age 22 it broke down. But it defended my sould from some hurt that would have come my way. I think if I had felt all these blows that I would have gotten without that shielding, my personality might have been hurt and maybe changed to be more like what for me was just the robot. the only downside was that I was in a way just a kid when I dropped the robot and became myself outwardly. I was feeling weak and behaved childish in some ways, but thats ok, I'd rather be that than a person that hurts still from all the abuse that would be hitting directly if there would not have been that introversion-armor...

Quote from: anjaq on December 23, 2013, 07:02:18 PM
Stephanie, I hope your crying is a good thing and it is not too much causing you hurt. Hugs. I think this story probably is similar to what many of us experienced. Sometimes I wish I had told my childhood psych about why I became introvert, but I did not dare to. Just like I did not dare to tell anyone ever even as a child what is going on. I was a smart kid, I knew that what I felt was not how I was supposed to feel according to what parents and peers and teachers thought to be acceptable, so I kept it all to myself. So sad really, but I realized that maybe this also saved something about me. I build an armor around myself that defended my self against bad stuff that would happen to me as a result of me being different. that armor was my "guy-robot", that was pretending to be a guy to the world. It was not working great, people still saw I am different, it never managed to be really masculine and at age 22 it broke down. But it defended my sould from some hurt that would have come my way. I think if I had felt all these blows that I would have gotten without that shielding, my personality might have been hurt and maybe changed to be more like what for me was just the robot. the only downside was that I was in a way just a kid when I dropped the robot and became myself outwardly. I was feeling weak and behaved childish in some ways, but thats ok, I'd rather be that than a person that hurts still from all the abuse that would be hitting directly if there would not have been that introversion-armor...

It's a cry of joy from my soul that we're the same and the  those girls I met a while back always bring tears of joy to me. I've always cried a lot naturally.

Quote from: anjaq on December 23, 2013, 02:52:12 PM
My first definitve memory was around age 6 or 7 when I was in primary school and not allowed to play girl games with the girls and I did not want to play boy games. I was standing there at the corner of the playground and watching envious how the girls played with such joy and lightness. That feeling haunted me forever then (wanting to feel light and moving with lightness). Before age 6 I do not have any memories at all anyways :(
Sometime after that I was sent to my childhood psychologist because I became very introverted and was considered to be weird because I did not play with the boys and was very quiet, sensitive and all that.
At around age 8 to 12 I was doing pony riding a lot and I was one of the few kids there that would be regarded a "boy" who would do this a lot. I loved it :) - but I felt that I was supposed to be just another girl and envied the other girls for being friends in a group while I was excluded. I became a loner throughout puberty. Puberty was worst of all. I am crying now everytime I think of it. I could not cry back then. Never could. I died emotionally with puberty. So much wrongness. It took me until I was in my early 20ies to find something called usenet and internet which was really only because I became a nerd during puberty, because back then "internet" was not mainstream (14k and 56k modems via landline). Then I found out - about trans* - about transitioning , about hormones. I was still uncertain. I was thinking of myself as a pervert - a "boy who wants to be a girl", which for me also had someties sexual aspects as I was imagining to have "girl sex". I knew how it should feel like, how my body should be like and during puberty thought that maybe one day they would do a surgery on me and find that under that skin there was a vagina and more. So for thinking all tha tI considered myself to be deviant. I did so for a while after starting transitioning as in the support group everyone talked about how they dressed and how they wanted to "live as women" and for me this was less important so I thought maybe I am not transsexual because for me so much focus was on the body and not the rest. Now I know that I am "right", that what I felt was body dysphoria and that it is quite common with transsexuals who have known early on that something was wrong. Just not all of the ones I met were like this and those that were probably did not talk about it a lot.

that surgery thing is so true. There was a science fiction tv show I saw as a teen where a guy was surgically changed to look like a alien. I could never get it out of my mind growing up that that was me an they were changing my body to female.

Quote from: stephaniec on December 23, 2013, 07:35:57 PM
that surgery thing is so true. There was a science fiction tv show I saw as a teen where a guy was surgically changed to look like a alien. I could never get it out of my mind growing up that that was me an they were changing my body to female.

Oh yes I had those fantasies too of course. And fairies and dschinns and everything magical I imagined. But what I wrote there was a tad bit less fantastic in my teen mind. I was actually thinking that it would be possible. Not that they would change me into a woman by some accidental surgery (that was fantasy, and good ones), but that actually if they would do some surgery on me, lets say because I broke a hip bone, they would actually discover that there are actually female parts within me and that I am intersexed. For a while I really was thinking that this is a possibility and it would then legitimize how I was. I even knew exactly where the vagina should be, I tried to "poke a hole" with a finger to see if it really was there and I KNEW how it should feel like to have a vulva. I am weird, I know, but thats how I was. It all came true by the way - it really does feel as I already felt it before except sadly I had a PI and not the new surgeries, so I am missing some things. So that was a bit of a mix between fantasy and possible reality there. I must have been around age 14-16 or so when I had these thoughts.
At age 7 when I had my first "I am different and weird" feelings that I can remember, it was not that much centered around such things - basically at that age the body differences were less, so my body dysphoria was also less, but it was a lot of social dysphoria at that time.
I wish I would know what happened between 3/4 and 7. Its weird that I cannot remember when everyone else can. I wonder why?

Oh gosh, ever since I can remember. I was 4 or 5 when I just "knew" something wasn't right. It was also that age when I would dress in my mom's clothes (when she wasn't home, of course) here I am at about 8 or 9 years old

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi43.tinypic.com%2F6qe93l.jpg&hash=a3ebd529642b60a4ff5f8e82d5396758ae2507ff)

with my Ken doll  :D and only because my mom flat out refused to get me a Barbie. It sucked.

  This subject has bothered me lately. I just two weeks ago realized I wanted to live the remainder of my life as a woman. It pretty much blindsided me, in a good way. I was watching some of the TED episodes. The one that sparked the discovery was about a woman who dealt with gender issues. It was mainly about how in the womb sometimes there is an error with the hormones. A person who is suppose to be a woman is given testosterone instead of estrogen and vice versa. She spoke of a young man who had health problems and they discovered he had ovaries. She then went into detail how distressed he was. I myself have some internal health problems. I thought what if that is what is wrong with me. Not only did it not distress me it made me feel happier than I ever remember feeling. I have battled depression most of my life and they have never been able to pin down what is actually causing it. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was high on life for days. Learning about gender dys. and transitioning have been all I could focus on. One thing kept bothering me. Why did it take me this long for realize this? From posts I have read most ppl have known since childhood. It's nice to hear some others learned this later also. It makes me feel better. I'm rambling thx for listening.

This feeling has been ever-present in me (Literally for as long as I can remember). My first clear memory of this was like so many others..I was about 4 years old and I went to get dressed and put on my sisters clothes instead of mine. Same here too about praying to God to change me, crying myself to sleep, just praying and hoping all my childhood that I would change. It breaks my heart that I used to hope and dream so much about something so futile.


LJP I don't think it's so much about when you realise your nature, but instead when you do something about it. I wish I'd done more about my trans-ness early in life, then I could have avoided soooo many tough years of depression.

Hi mia,
I agree with you 100%. I just wish I had those years back to live the life I was meant to live.

Quote from: anjaq on December 24, 2013, 03:58:25 AM
Oh yes I had those fantasies too of course. And fairies and dschinns and everything magical I imagined. But what I wrote there was a tad bit less fantastic in my teen mind. I was actually thinking that it would be possible. Not that they would change me into a woman by some accidental surgery (that was fantasy, and good ones), but that actually if they would do some surgery on me, lets say because I broke a hip bone, they would actually discover that there are actually female parts within me and that I am intersexed. For a while I really was thinking that this is a possibility and it would then legitimize how I was. I even knew exactly where the vagina should be, I tried to "poke a hole" with a finger to see if it really was there and I KNEW how it should feel like to have a vulva. I am weird, I know, but thats how I was. It all came true by the way - it really does feel as I already felt it before except sadly I had a PI and not the new surgeries, so I am missing some things. So that was a bit of a mix between fantasy and possible reality there. I must have been around age 14-16 or so when I had these thoughts.
At age 7 when I had my first "I am different and weird" feelings that I can remember, it was not that much centered around such things - basically at that age the body differences were less, so my body dysphoria was also less, but it was a lot of social dysphoria at that time.
I wish I would know what happened between 3/4 and 7. Its weird that I cannot remember when everyone else can. I wonder why?

I know 14 to 16 were probably the worst time of my life. I knew my body was so terribly wrong and it made me quite depressed. I even tried growing my breasts with a lotion I made some stuff in the bath room ,I don't remember what. It really was a hard time because of puberty I guess. I only remember back to 4 or 5 because that's when I started wearing my sisters clothes when I could get away with it. I don't know maybe you were just a happy little child between 3 and 7. I know the social dysphoria  was terrible for me. I wouldn't talk to anybody. In grade school at lunch time we use to play in the street they'd block off in front of the parish church. I would just stand by my self in the middle of the street and watch everyone I don't think I ever once played with any one.

Quote from: LJP on December 24, 2013, 06:14:58 AM
  This subject has bothered me lately. I just two weeks ago realized I wanted to live the remainder of my life as a woman. It pretty much blindsided me, in a good way. I was watching some of the TED episodes. The one that sparked the discovery was about a woman who dealt with gender issues. It was mainly about how in the womb sometimes there is an error with the hormones. A person who is suppose to be a woman is given testosterone instead of estrogen and vice versa. She spoke of a young man who had health problems and they discovered he had ovaries. She then went into detail how distressed he was. I myself have some internal health problems. I thought what if that is what is wrong with me. Not only did it not distress me it made me feel happier than I ever remember feeling. I have battled depression most of my life and they have never been able to pin down what is actually causing it. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was high on life for days. Learning about gender dys. and transitioning have been all I could focus on. One thing kept bothering me. Why did it take me this long for realize this? From posts I have read most ppl have known since childhood. It's nice to hear some others learned this later also. It makes me feel better. I'm rambling thx for listening.

I don't know I just guessing ,but it was probably there all along something triggered it to surface for some reason. Did you have any kind of dreams as you were growing up that might of hinted at it

Quote from: stephaniec on December 24, 2013, 11:23:15 AM
I don't know I just guessing ,but it was probably there all along something triggered it to surface for some reason. Did you have any kind of dreams as you were growing up that might of hinted at it

I've racked my brain there is nothing that stands out. I was all ways respectful and admired women more than guys I knew. I was raised by a single mother and assumed that was why. I'm attracted to woman, still am. I'm frnds with two transgender women and it never occurred to me I wanted that life. I emailed one about having lunch after new year and she is going to help me find a therapist with gender dys. training. She didn't seem at all surprised, but it was email. I will discuss it with her. It just seems odd to me that I would have that much of a reaction to something without it ever occurring to me. Maybe I'm just repressed or something , honestly I'm super confused. I sketch and paint sometimes. I read and 9 step advice thing. A suggestion was to draw yourself older as a woman or a man, whatever felt right. I've never done a self portrait before. I've done like 10 of myself as a woman. Then I looked at them and they are all very similar to pinup sketches I'd done. It looks like they are of the same woman. It's like I've had this image in my head, but didn't realize it was me? I appreciate the reply stephaniec. It feels good to chat about it. I've been counting the days til Jan.1.

Quote from: LJP on December 24, 2013, 12:01:49 PM
I've racked my brain there is nothing that stands out. I was all ways respectful and admired women more than guys I knew. I was raised by a single mother and assumed that was why. I'm attracted to woman, still am. I'm frnds with two transgender women and it never occurred to me I wanted that life. I emailed one about having lunch after new year and she is going to help me find a therapist with gender dys. training. She didn't seem at all surprised, but it was email. I will discuss it with her. It just seems odd to me that I would have that much of a reaction to something without it ever occurring to me. Maybe I'm just repressed or something , honestly I'm super confused. I sketch and paint sometimes. I read and 9 step advice thing. A suggestion was to draw yourself older as a woman or a man, whatever felt right. I've never done a self portrait before. I've done like 10 of myself as a woman. Then I looked at them and they are all very similar to pinup sketches I'd done. It looks like they are of the same woman. It's like I've had this image in my head, but didn't realize it was me? I appreciate the reply stephaniec. It feels good to chat about it. I've been counting the days til Jan.1.

Your friend probably will be able to open the doors on your memory .It's quite possibly repressed

Ever since I was four. My past two years have been ones of relentless Dysphoria and crying myself to sleep, and have finally started getting better since coming out.

Quote from: Dingbat on December 24, 2013, 01:23:43 PM
Ever since I was four. My past two years have been ones of relentless Dysphoria and crying myself to sleep, and have finally started getting better since coming out.

It definitely helps to talk about it. It took me a long time to open up to a therapist .I do feel so much better

Since I was a toddler. I used to play the female role in all games with my sister (major tomboy). I soon figured out my parents shouldn't find out so kept it hidden well. When I could I'd do the same at school. We'd play A team and I'd be Amy ( was that he r name).

Also done the praying to be miraculously changed overnight from then till now.

Me at 59,                                                                       My mom at 42.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1356.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq739%2FTOmirandaTS%2Fb9e555b1-8c2e-4109-9dbc-d53a96ba935a_zps0a2fc8d4.jpg&hash=0341a12b17fa29496b49ec036e3f2ac9710b265d) (http://s1356.photobucket.com/user/TOmirandaTS/media/b9e555b1-8c2e-4109-9dbc-d53a96ba935a_zps0a2fc8d4.jpg.html)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1356.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq739%2FTOmirandaTS%2F2493d99e-6813-40c7-a4b9-d29ba238e66f_zpsbbeacc45.jpg&hash=210bb679b9c812b3593f41c69feaf9abeccf2583) (http://s1356.photobucket.com/user/TOmirandaTS/media/2493d99e-6813-40c7-a4b9-d29ba238e66f_zpsbbeacc45.jpg.html)
I've read many stories now and almost all of them I'm thinking 'yeah, that's me,' or 'God, I thought it was just me, but I wasn't alone!' Then I feel sorry for all of you that you had to go through what nobody should ever have to. My earliest memory in life has never changed, or been altered by time, imagination or my mom or brother, both very supportive. My brother passed away in July, but even though he's gone he knew who I was and accepted me, because he saw me into my mom's things constantly at 2-4 and always knew that something wasn't right about me. One story my mom told me that can still bring tears to my eyes is that when I was twelve I came into the living room where my mom was watching t.v. on the couch. I came in and sat on her lap (something I never did since I was a little girl/boy). I looked into her eyes and told her that I couldn't live as a boy anymore, that I had to live as a girl and if I couldn't I didn't want to live. Obviously, I wasn't able to live as a girl, and there were immediate repercussions, in that my mom began treating me much differently. Savage, demanding, cynical, sarcastic, etc., which I've come to believe wasn't out of hatred, but misguided hopes of toughening up her little girl/boy. When I told both my mom and dad at the same time at 16, I was sent to a psychiatrist, who had my chromosomes and hormones checked. I was a boy, but my estrogen was way too high and my testosterone, far too low. Unfortunately, nothing changed though, in how she treated me. She's told me many things and says now that I was definitely meant to be her daughter and that, happily, I finally am. Hugs, Mira
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Quote from: Miranda Catherine on December 24, 2013, 03:47:27 PM
Me at 59,                                                                       My mom at 42.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1356.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq739%2FTOmirandaTS%2Fb9e555b1-8c2e-4109-9dbc-d53a96ba935a_zps0a2fc8d4.jpg&hash=0341a12b17fa29496b49ec036e3f2ac9710b265d) (http://s1356.photobucket.com/user/TOmirandaTS/media/b9e555b1-8c2e-4109-9dbc-d53a96ba935a_zps0a2fc8d4.jpg.html)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1356.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq739%2FTOmirandaTS%2F2493d99e-6813-40c7-a4b9-d29ba238e66f_zpsbbeacc45.jpg&hash=210bb679b9c812b3593f41c69feaf9abeccf2583) (http://s1356.photobucket.com/user/TOmirandaTS/media/2493d99e-6813-40c7-a4b9-d29ba238e66f_zpsbbeacc45.jpg.html)
I've read many stories now and almost all of them I'm thinking 'yeah, that's me,' or 'God, I thought it was just me, but I wasn't alone!' Then I feel sorry for all of you that you had to go through what nobody should ever have to. My earliest memory in life has never changed, or been altered by time, imagination or my mom or brother, both very supportive. My brother passed away in July, but even though he's gone he knew who I was and accepted me, because he saw me into my mom's things constantly at 2-4 and always knew that something wasn't right about me. One story my mom told me that can still bring tears to my eyes is that when I was twelve I came into the living room where my mom was watching t.v. on the couch. I came in and sat on her lap (something I never did since I was a little girl/boy). I looked into her eyes and told her that I couldn't live as a boy anymore, that I had to live as a girl and if I couldn't I didn't want to live. Obviously, I wasn't able to live as a girl, and there were immediate repercussions, in that my mom began treating me much differently. Savage, demanding, cynical, sarcastic, etc., which I've come to believe wasn't out of hatred, but misguided hopes of toughening up her little girl/boy. When I told both my mom and dad at the same time at 16, I was sent to a psychiatrist, who had my chromosomes and hormones checked. I was a boy, but my estrogen was way too high and my estrogen, far too low. Unfortunately, nothing changed though, in how she treated me. She's told me many things and says now that I was definitely meant to be her daughter and that, happily, I finally am. Hugs, Mira
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

That is comforting to hear Miranda. I only have to come out to one person, my mom. She is as sweet as can be. But for some reason I have a bad feeling. I don't want to lose her. she is the only family I have left. It would be devastating for me and for her.

Quote from: LJP on December 24, 2013, 04:50:42 PM
That is comforting to hear Miranda. I only have to come out to one person, my mom. She is as sweet as can be. But for some reason I have a bad feeling. I don't want to lose her. she is the only family I have left. It would be devastating for me and for her.

Hi LJP,
   You're going to have to face family and friends someday, and if you're unsure of how your mom's going to treat you, it might work out fantastic. My advice is, take the chance. She's not losing the son she never had, she's gaining the daughter she didn't recognize! Merry Christmas!!!  Hugs, Mira

                        M E R R Y  C H R I S T M A S  E V E R Y B O D Y ! ! ! ! !   M E R R Y  C H R I S T M A S  E V E R Y B O D Y ! ! ! ! !   M E R R Y  C H R I S T M A S  E V E R Y B O D Y ! ! ! ! !   
                                       
                                                                 ( a n d  r e m e m b e r  w h a t  T i n y T i m  s a i d :  " G O D  B L E S S  U S  E V E R Y O N E ! ! ! ! ! )

My earliest memory of gender issues was about age 3.

Thx and Merry Christmas to you too miss Miranda. Also you and your mother are very pretty. I love the pic of you both.

In kindergarten I told a classmate that I was tired of being a boy and wanted to be a girl. Back then it was just the occasional thoughts and such. The dysphoria didn't get bad till I was about 13.

Quote from: Miranda Catherine on December 24, 2013, 03:47:27 PM
Me at 59,                                                                       My mom at 42.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1356.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq739%2FTOmirandaTS%2Fb9e555b1-8c2e-4109-9dbc-d53a96ba935a_zps0a2fc8d4.jpg&hash=0341a12b17fa29496b49ec036e3f2ac9710b265d) (http://s1356.photobucket.com/user/TOmirandaTS/media/b9e555b1-8c2e-4109-9dbc-d53a96ba935a_zps0a2fc8d4.jpg.html)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1356.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq739%2FTOmirandaTS%2F2493d99e-6813-40c7-a4b9-d29ba238e66f_zpsbbeacc45.jpg&hash=210bb679b9c812b3593f41c69feaf9abeccf2583) (http://s1356.photobucket.com/user/TOmirandaTS/media/2493d99e-6813-40c7-a4b9-d29ba238e66f_zpsbbeacc45.jpg.html)
I've read many stories now and almost all of them I'm thinking 'yeah, that's me,' or 'God, I thought it was just me, but I wasn't alone!' Then I feel sorry for all of you that you had to go through what nobody should ever have to. My earliest memory in life has never changed, or been altered by time, imagination or my mom or brother, both very supportive. My brother passed away in July, but even though he's gone he knew who I was and accepted me, because he saw me into my mom's things constantly at 2-4 and always knew that something wasn't right about me. One story my mom told me that can still bring tears to my eyes is that when I was twelve I came into the living room where my mom was watching t.v. on the couch. I came in and sat on her lap (something I never did since I was a little girl/boy). I looked into her eyes and told her that I couldn't live as a boy anymore, that I had to live as a girl and if I couldn't I didn't want to live. Obviously, I wasn't able to live as a girl, and there were immediate repercussions, in that my mom began treating me much differently. Savage, demanding, cynical, sarcastic, etc., which I've come to believe wasn't out of hatred, but misguided hopes of toughening up her little girl/boy. When I told both my mom and dad at the same time at 16, I was sent to a psychiatrist, who had my chromosomes and hormones checked. I was a boy, but my estrogen was way too high and my testosterone, far too low. Unfortunately, nothing changed though, in how she treated me. She's told me many things and says now that I was definitely meant to be her daughter and that, happily, I finally am. Hugs, Mira
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

I never was brave enough to tell my parents I wanted to be a girl, but I'm sure they knew because I was so extremely introverted and always would sleep in my sisters bouncy slip. My parent's approach to dissuading me from wearing my sisters clothes wen I was 5 was more like aversion therapy. They moved me out of the bedroom I shared with my 2 sisters and put me in the room they slept in. One day they tried to send me to school with girls boots on that they had use magic marker on to make them look male. I  cried and refused because I was so embarrassed . I think they thought they could scare me away from my proper clothes . It didn't work. They meant well, I don't know if they were being advised professionally or not. They just had an extremely introverted kid who dressed in girls clothes on their hands and weren't quite sure what to do.

With me I was 4 years old. My biological Mom was still alive and we were living on the Res. (Reservation). I was always skinnier and smaller featured than other boys of my age and as a result I used to stay close to my Mom most of the time especially when other boys were around. Though my real father left my Mom after getting her pregnant with me. I did have one Uncle who believed in a 'macho' lifestyle and that little boys should be 'toughened up,' as he used to put it. Back then this was the 1960's. To him he was joking when he would grab at little boys privates. I was scared to death of him as I even at that young age knew it was inappropriate behaviour. My Mom did too cuz she told him not to do this or some of his other 'toughen' them up antics with me. However one day while she was washing the dishes and I was playing on the floor. When she wasn't looking he grabbed at me between the legs and I screamed bloody murder as loudly as I could and started crying. I felt violated in a way I don't believe even my Mom knew. I remember crying for hours in bed afterwards. None of the other boys he did this to reacted like I did. To them it was funny and they giggled. Needless to say this "funny Uncle" as he was later referred to was never allowed into our home again, or around me again. From that day forward I knew I was different and over the next two years those differences started to make sense. I never wanted to play with other little boys. I only wanted to play with litle girls my age. I can safely say that at 6 years of age I knew I was supposed to be a girl, not a boy. Unfortunately in September of that year my Mom was killed in a car accident on the Res., and since I had no other family I was taken in by a neighbor while I was put up for adoption. Though I acted more like a little girl I was at 7 years old sat down in a room with the tribe's elders and given a stern warning: "If you ever want to be adopted into a new home you'll have to start acting more like a boy" in our Native tongue. Though it was hard and I knew it was wrong I did my best to be more boy-ish, and long story short 6 months later I was adopted to a single white lady from Washington DC. In the 7 months before she married a man of Sicillian Italian descent things were OK between my adopted Mom and me, and I could be myself. After she got married though began the absolute worse years of my live which, is a story for another thread. I jusrt wanted to describe my "Awakening" as I call it to y'all. I have to stop here for I'm now in tears remembering all this.

i dont think i felt something was wrong.
i just never cared.
i would play with boys and girls alike at an early age so i feel more genderless than anything else.

but at 3, i remember playing house and wearing a dress at a daycare.
i didnt think twice about it.
until my mom came in then i dropped the dress letting it fall around my feet like id done something wrong.
she didnt show it but i knew she didnt approve.
i dont know what happened before that to make me feel that way.

later around 8- 13ish, i was crossdessing more and wishing on stars and praying o my god that i could be a girl.
i would wear my moms clothes. undies, night gown, dresses.
i fit into an old tutu of hers from when she was my age.
all this in hoping that wearing the clothes would somehow make me a girl.
then i got caught ad i had the talk and got in trouble. being called a theif.
sinse then, i put a lid on my desires.

more recently, i found internet forums where i could be myself and i was.
i was about 16 and all was great until this jerk found out i was born a guy and proceeded to mock me, harrass me, and tell me to kill myself.
now, i find refuge in other forums where everyone is excepted and everyone is family.
but what bugs me is that im not who i feel like i should be.

as i look this stuf up more and more, i want it more and more.
i have a hatred for myself that i cant seem to shake...

sorry im getting a bit deep here. :p

Quote from: Emo on December 27, 2013, 12:28:28 PM
i dont think i felt something was wrong.
i just never cared.
i would play with boys and girls alike at an early age so i feel more genderless than anything else.

but at 3, i remember playing house and wearing a dress at a daycare.
i didnt think twice about it.
until my mom came in then i dropped the dress letting it fall around my feet like id done something wrong.
she didnt show it but i knew she didnt approve.
i dont know what happened before that to make me feel that way.

later around 8- 13ish, i was crossdessing more and wishing on stars and praying o my god that i could be a girl.
i would wear my moms clothes. undies, night gown, dresses.
i fit into an old tutu of hers from when she was my age.
then i got caught ad i had the talk and got in trouble. being called a theif.
sinse then, i put a lid on my desires.

more recently, i found internet forums where i could be myself and i was.
i was about 16 and all was great until this jerk found out i was born a guy and proceeded to mock me, harrass me, and tell me to kill myself.
now, i find refuge in other forums where everyone is excepted and everyone is family.
but what bugs me is that im not who i feel like i should be.

as i look this stuf up more and more, i want it more and more.
i have a hatred for myself that i cant seem to shake...

sorry im getting a bit deep here. :p

have you every thought about talking to a therapist with training in transgender issue. It could help I have a wonderful therapist that made me aware of being transgender.

Emo, you sound just like me.

I used to hate myself and my life. I hid from my trans nature, and I let my life become nearly ruined. Your short excerpt sounds so much like me, and sooo many other trans folks.

My biggest regret in it all is not coming out earlier, because the lie just got harder and harder to bear. I let it bring me down, and people assumed I was just an unreliable bad apple because no one knew the truth. Also the longer I waited the more there was to regret. I really, more than anyone else, am responsible for holding myself back.

Don't let it get to that. Be yourself! I agree that seeing a therapist is great advice...sooner the better.

Quote from: Allyda on December 27, 2013, 12:06:00 PM
With me I was 4 years old. My biological Mom was still alive and we were living on the Res. (Reservation). I was always skinnier and smaller featured than other boys of my age and as a result I used to stay close to my Mom most of the time especially when other boys were around. Though my real father left my Mom after getting her pregnant with me. I did have one Uncle who believed in a 'macho' lifestyle and that little boys should be 'toughened up,' as he used to put it. Back then this was the 1960's. To him he was joking when he would grab at little boys privates. I was scared to death of him as I even at that young age knew it was inappropriate behaviour. My Mom did too cuz she told him not to do this or some of his other 'toughen' them up antics with me. However one day while she was washing the dishes and I was playing on the floor. When she wasn't looking he grabbed at me between the legs and I screamed bloody murder as loudly as I could and started crying. I felt violated in a way I don't believe even my Mom knew. I remember crying for hours in bed afterwards. None of the other boys he did this to reacted like I did. To them it was funny and they giggled. Needless to say this "funny Uncle" as he was later referred to was never allowed into our home again, or around me again. From that day forward I knew I was different and over the next two years those differences started to make sense. I never wanted to play with other little boys. I only wanted to play with litle girls my age. I can safely say that at 6 years of age I knew I was supposed to be a girl, not a boy. Unfortunately in September of that year my Mom was killed in a car accident on the Res., and since I had no other family I was taken in by a neighbor while I was put up for adoption. Though I acted more like a little girl I was at 7 years old sat down in a room with the tribe's elders and given a stern warning: "If you ever want to be adopted into a new home you'll have to start acting more like a boy" in our Native tongue. Though it was hard and I knew it was wrong I did my best to be more boy-ish, and long story short 6 months later I was adopted to a single white lady from Washington DC. In the 7 months before she married a man of Sicillian Italian descent things were OK between my adopted Mom and me, and I could be myself. After she got married though began the absolute worse years of my live which, is a story for another thread. I jusrt wanted to describe my "Awakening" as I call it to y'all. I have to stop here for I'm now in tears remembering all this.

I am so sorry you went through that abuse nobody should have to be abused in any way. This is a very helpful site and you can get a lot of information.

My earliest childhood memories are filled with images of my huge insular family.  My big sister decided i was the most likely transitioner even then and named me Tessa.  My older brother insisted i would become a girl if i kept that up.  I identified very strongly with my mom and imagined I would grow up to be a mom and have babies to nurture too.  Like many i learned early how unacceptable, strange and unwelcome these ideas are.  School was awful and I frequently came home crying, feeling rejected, confused and unable to describe what was wrong.  I changed a lot of diapers and knew the anatomical differences were too real.  Repression, denial and magical thinking are interesting adaptations if a heavy weight to later unburden.

As others have eloquently described I wanted to play with the girls who seemed to treat each other much better and have more of the fun I wanted to share.  I liked the tomboys best but was usually persuaded to "knock  that off."  Puberty was another seeming nail in my coffin as my sister got breasts and I got stupid bonners and zits.   From then on it was a cynical attempt to live up to others expectations and make the best of what seemed impossible to change.

Today we can be so very grateful for and contribute to the much improved access to resources about gender identity and orientation.  Knowing the truth about the persistent presence of transgender people thru history and cultures can strengthen our awareness and celebration of diversity.  It seems a far better world for the trans kids of today.  Our rural trans support group includes teens and young adults who have a brighter future to consider IMO.  Here's a toast to progress....raising my coffee cup. :angel:

Quote from: Tessa James on December 27, 2013, 01:23:46 PM
My earliest childhood memories are filled with images of my huge insular family.  My big sister decided i was the most likely transitioner even then and named me Tessa.  My older brother insisted i would become a girl if i kept that up.  I identified very strongly with my mom and imagined I would grow up to be a mom and have babies to nurture too.  Like many i learned early how unacceptable, strange and unwelcome these ideas are.  School was awful and I frequently came home crying, feeling rejected, confused and unable to describe what was wrong.  I changed a lot of diapers and knew the anatomical differences were too real.  Repression, denial and magical thinking are interesting adaptations if a heavy weight to later unburden.

As others have eloquently described I wanted to play with the girls who seemed to treat each other much better and have more of the fun I wanted to share.  I liked the tomboys best but was usually persuaded to "knock  that off."  Puberty was another seeming nail in my coffin as my sister got breasts and I got stupid bonners and zits.   From then on it was a cynical attempt to live up to others expectations and make the best of what seemed impossible to change.

Today we can be so very grateful for and contribute to the much improved access to resources about gender identity and orientation.  Knowing the truth about the persistent presence of transgender people thru history and cultures can strengthen our awareness and celebration of diversity.  It seems a far better world for the trans kids of today.  Our rural trans support group includes teens and young adults who have a brighter future to consider IMO.  Here's a toast to progress....raising my coffee cup. :angel:

you always seem so hopeful

I was 6 when I noticed I was not a boy. I remember watching 'Space 1999" and there was a shape-shifter on the show and I was very jealous of her. I wanted those abilities so I could just become the woman I knew I was and everybody would just have to deal with it. I even started putting on my mom's clothes and she caught me once and yelled at me and made me go down stairs and get a shower and tell my dad. It has taken my 35 yrs to get the courage to be me again.

I started cross-dressing at 7, which I must have instinctively known as "different" because I kept it well hidden. Interestingly, I didn't consciously become aware of the nature of my difference until adulthood. How strange.

Quote from: Jenna Stannis on December 27, 2013, 03:56:07 PM
I started cross-dressing at 7, which I must have instinctively known as "different" because I kept it well hidden. Interestingly, I didn't consciously become aware of the nature of my difference until adulthood. How strange.

same here

@stephaniec and Mia
Yeah. How do I go about doing this? Are there online therapists? And how much?

@mia
BFF? :D

Quote from: Emo on December 27, 2013, 06:13:58 PM
@stephaniec and Mia
Yeah. How do I go about doing this? Are there online therapists? And how much?

@mia
BFF? :D

To start I don't know what city or country you live in ,but a good start if you live near a lgbt community center they can help in finding some one. I know nothing of online therapy. A hospital is a good place too to get directions. I don't Know about costs if you don't have insurance. I get therapy through a hospital that gives me financial assistance. My therapy luckily is free because I'm treated on a charity basis.

@stephaniec
I'm in the US.
I might have to do more research. Lol
I'm doing a lot of that lately.

Quote from: Emo on December 27, 2013, 06:35:57 PM
@stephaniec
I'm in the US.
I might have to do more research. Lol
I'm doing a lot of that lately.

some one will probably have suggestions there is a lot of transitioners around here

Quote from: Emo on December 27, 2013, 06:35:57 PM
@stephaniec
I'm in the US.
I might have to do more research. Lol
I'm doing a lot of that lately.

Research, and more research.

Get suggestions from LBGT advocates in your community, then go online and research the people who have been suggested. Call those that interest you.

Do you have insurance? Most plans in the US do not cover trans issues. But, if say, you needed therapy because of severe depression, and being trans was one of the reasons for the depression, or substance abuse... your shrink would be paid by your policy. Most psychologists take most insurance plans.

You can get therapy online as well and prices vary.

Also, remember therapy is no longer a requirement for HRT. It is an independant treatment for those who desire it. A therapist can't tell you if you are or aren't trans or if you should or shouldn't transition.

Amazing, soooooo may different epiphanies and timescales!

I still don't 100% what my realisations mean over the years, been a verry sloooooooow process of discovering some anomalies with my identity that other boys didn't have, then assuming there was an external influence to these inclinations, before looking inward and exploring the feelings that appear to be very much coming from within. Ultimately, its been one big exercise in personal fault-testing. And I now appear to be confronted by a whole panel of flashing warning lights and waling sirens informing me that my male identity appears to about to self-destruct after decades of being corroded away by a more powerful identity within that I still can't explain or understand.

Age 10 - became convinced I was a woman in a pastlife as I felt an affinity to femininity (possible musical band name, that) but could not explain why I felt I had been one.
Age 13 - Had a dream that I looked female and felt feminine. Woke up feeling a strange sense of energised melancholy and wistfulness. This has continued.
Age 14 - Started crossdressing in private. Became interested in dating girls like a hetero teenage boy, but simultaneously needed to dress up & feel pretty to get turned on.
Age 20 - Became self-aware and realised that  how I wanted to dress was feminine and that I always imagined I was female singers or actresses in my daydreams. 
Age 23 - After a major purge of clothes and feminine attitudes, a massive urge to dress-up came back with such a force, that I had to explore it to find out why.
Age 25 - Tried visiting mediums to find out if I had a female pastlife or were being haunted by female spirits. No answers from those avenues.
Age 25 - began dressing up and exploring my inclinations, and since then, there's been a conscious and un-conscious slide towards a female identity, for better or worse.
Age 27 - Beginning of current journey.

Lots of other milestones and realisations, since 27 though its been an amazing, refreshing, enlightening journey, yet also a massive pain in the ass & a scary experience.   :)

Quote from: "I'm Stella Stanhope, and that's why I drink". on December 27, 2013, 07:19:28 PM
Amazing, soooooo may different epiphanies and timescales!

I still don't 100% what my realisations mean over the years, been a verry sloooooooow process of discovering some anomalies with my identity that other boys didn't have, then assuming there was an external influence to these inclinations, before looking inward and exploring the feelings that appear to be very much coming from within. Ultimately, its been one big exercise in personal fault-testing. And I now appear to be confronted by a whole panel of flashing warning lights and waling sirens informing me that my male identity appears to about to self-destruct after decades of being corroded away by a more powerful identity within that I still can't explain or understand.

Age 10 - became convinced I was a woman in a pastlife as I felt an affinity to femininity (possible musical band name, that) but could not explain why I felt I had been one.
Age 13 - Had a dream that I looked female and felt feminine. Woke up feeling a strange sense of energised melancholy and wistfulness. This has continued.
Age 14 - Started crossdressing in private. Became interested in dating girls like a hetero teenage boy, but simultaneously needed to dress up & feel pretty to get turned on.
Age 20 - Became self-aware and realised that  how I wanted to dress was feminine and that I always imagined I was female singers or actresses in my daydreams. 
Age 23 - After a major purge of clothes and feminine attitudes, a massive urge to dress-up came back with such a force, that I had to explore it to find out why.
Age 25 - Tried visiting mediums to find out if I had a female pastlife or were being haunted by female spirits. No answers from those avenues.
Age 25 - began dressing up and exploring my inclinations, and since then, there's been a conscious and un-conscious slide towards a female identity, for better or worse.
Age 27 - Beginning of current journey.

Lots of other milestones and realisations, since 27 though its been an amazing, refreshing, enlightening journey, yet also a massive pain in the ass & a scary experience.   :)

that purging came at me a lot but kept coming back. mow I'm transitioning and never going back.

Quote from: Tori on December 27, 2013, 07:11:07 PM
Research, and more research.

Get suggestions from LBGT advocates in your community, then go online and research the people who have been suggested. Call those that interest you.

Do you have insurance? Most plans in the US do not cover trans issues. But, if say, you needed therapy because of severe depression, and being trans was one of the reasons for the depression, or substance abuse... your shrink would be paid by your policy. Most psychologists take most insurance plans.

You can get therapy online as well and prices vary.

Also, remember therapy is no longer a requirement for HRT. It is an independant treatment for those who desire it. A therapist can't tell you if you are or aren't trans or if you should or shouldn't transition.

Holy shnaps it's not a requirement anymore?
Can you link me for US procedure for getting hrt then?

I do not have a link and my time is limited.

I can tell you that it is now legal for doctors to provide what is known as informed consent. This is basically a process of seeing a doctor, explaining to them that in no uncertain terms you are trans, and while you are open to more information, you know enough to be willing to consent to HRT. Most docs that practice IC have forms ready for you to sign. They will talk you through the potential effects and side effects of HRT, and after covering their legal bases, have you sign the contract. This protects them from malpractice lawsuits if some day you turn up and say to them, "Hey! I grew boobs you jerk!"

The next step is a blood test, and pending the results, which can take a few days or more, HRT.

Doctors that provide informed consent tend to know their stuff when it comes to HRT. Otherwise they would be unwilling to provide such treatment.

If you live near a metro area, chances are there is someone who can help you.

Like I said, psychological treatment is independent of HRT nowadays, but it is good to explore. Not everybody needs it. But it does not hurt to have someone to talk about things, even the TMI stuff you may not share with friends, family or a SO.

Good luck, welcome to Susan's. Feel free to start a new thread about you and your questions, and feel free to send me a PM.

Aloha
Tori

Oh ok. Thank you so much for the help.
I'm definitely going to a doc now that I know this.

I was out the door to go to the store. In hindsight, I had time to find you a link. Sorry. Now you know the term, "Informed consent". Google it or look for it on the wiki here.

Cross reference with where you live, or contact a LBGT center near you, they will either be able to point you in that direction or let you know of a nearby trans group that certainly could.

I remember at the age of 6 looking at pictures of little girls, and wondering what it was like to be that little girl or what it was like to wear a pretty dress.

At the age of 14, I starting wearing my mothers pantyhose in secret when no one was around. I remember getting home from school, I had the house to myself for about am hour. I would put on pantyhose and pounce again the house. Got caught once and was given a lecture by my mother that boys don't wear pantyhose. That stopped me for a while. I tried to be a normal boy and did boy things. I was "normal" on the outside, but inside I wanted to wear pantyhose again. at 16 I did wear them again, this time a pair of white cotton panties was added to the mix. This time I bought my own pantyhose and later the panties. I wanted to wear more, but was afraid I would get caught and laughed at.

At the age of 19 I expanded my wear to include an old cheer leader skirt and got caught again, but this time by my future best friend, who was a girl. She did not judge me and she accepted me. We chatted about it and she did not mind me wearing my outfit and  when we studied together. She use to work in a second hand clothing store, and about two months later she got me my first dress. I was a blue winter dress. 2 days later with her help I dressed fully for the first time. That day I shaved my legs for the first time, wore a bra and high heels for the first time. I also wore nail polish and makeup for the first time too that day. The rest was history... With her support I started seeing a therapist, which lead to HRT at 21.. now 3 years later.. I am getting my vagina installed next month. She has already told me, she will be there when I wake up from operation.  I am now gonna be that girl I imagined at the age of 6.

I owe everything to my best friend, who now is also my roommate. She showed me how to be a woman.  She says to me at times when I do something really girly e.g. when I wanna go shoe shopping or see a nice dress.. wow noleen you are such a girl. I feel so warm inside when she says it.

@noleen
"im getting my vagina installed next month."
i love this line. made me lol.
i need a reason to say this out in public. :p

i hope i find a friend like yours.
youre so lucky to have found her so soon in transition.

EMO You will need to find an endo in your area who works with transsexuals...wanna PM me your town and i will help you look for one?

Hormones completely changed my life, and it's certainly the best place to start if you want to find out if transition is for you.

Quote from: noleen111 on December 28, 2013, 10:10:01 AM
I remember at the age of 6 looking at pictures of little girls, and wondering what it was like to be that little girl or what it was like to wear a pretty dress.

At the age of 14, I starting wearing my mothers pantyhose in secret when no one was around. I remember getting home from school, I had the house to myself for about am hour. I would put on pantyhose and pounce again the house. Got caught once and was given a lecture by my mother that boys don't wear pantyhose. That stopped me for a while. I tried to be a normal boy and did boy things. I was "normal" on the outside, but inside I wanted to wear pantyhose again. at 16 I did wear them again, this time a pair of white cotton panties was added to the mix. This time I bought my own pantyhose and later the panties. I wanted to wear more, but was afraid I would get caught and laughed at.

At the age of 19 I expanded my wear to include an old cheer leader skirt and got caught again, but this time by my future best friend, who was a girl. She did not judge me and she accepted me. We chatted about it and she did not mind me wearing my outfit and  when we studied together. She use to work in a second hand clothing store, and about two months later she got me my first dress. I was a blue winter dress. 2 days later with her help I dressed fully for the first time. That day I shaved my legs for the first time, wore a bra and high heels for the first time. I also wore nail polish and makeup for the first time too that day. The rest was history... With her support I started seeing a therapist, which lead to HRT at 21.. now 3 years later.. I am getting my vagina installed next month. She has already told me, she will be there when I wake up from operation.  I am now gonna be that girl I imagined at the age of 6.

I owe everything to my best friend, who now is also my roommate. She showed me how to be a woman.  She says to me at times when I do something really girly e.g. when I wanna go shoe shopping or see a nice dress.. wow noleen you are such a girl. I feel so warm inside when she says it.

your so lucky to have a friend like that. Yea panty hose were great I kept taking my sisters

Although there were a few hints when I was younger, I knew exactly who I was at the age of 11. Puberty was hell, many tearful nights praying to God to make me wake up as a girl. I was pretty a quiet kid and spent the majority of my young life day dreaming in my room. Many years of denial and purges later, I was a bitter person who bottled up all feeling. I eventually turned to drugs and cherished the escape they brought me. But slowly the veil was lifted off of my eyes, flaky drug friends really didn't care about me, the high and the closeness that the drugs brought me turned out to be a lie, I was spiraling out of control. Found my rock bottom when I had my car stolen at a party, walked home over 8 miles. Passed out when I got home and in the morning I was confronted by my grandmother about my missing car. A verbal fight ensued with my grandma finishing it off with a calm, "you need help," and walking out of the room. I'll never forget what I saw in the mirror right after. I looked so messed up, my eyes were quite scary black, and I looked angry just like my father, I felt like a monster. That was it for me, I got back on my feet, joined the air force and I haven't looked back. My life isn't all beer and skittles yet but I have this amazing wife that is so wonderful and supportive, and hopefully I will be starting HRT soon. In the words of Borat, "great success"

Quote from: Kaitlin4475 on December 28, 2013, 02:57:25 PM
Although there were a few hints when I was younger, I knew exactly who I was at the age of 11. Puberty was hell, many tearful nights praying to God to make me wake up as a girl. I was pretty a quiet kid and spent the majority of my young life day dreaming in my room. Many years of denial and purges later, I was a bitter person who bottled up all feeling. I eventually turned to drugs and cherished the escape they brought me. But slowly the veil was lifted off of my eyes, flaky drug friends really didn't care about me, the high and the closeness that the drugs brought me turned out to be a lie, I was spiraling out of control. Found my rock bottom when I had my car stolen at a party, walked home over 8 miles. Passed out when I got home and in the morning I was confronted by my grandmother about my missing car. A verbal fight ensued with my grandma finishing it off with a calm, "you need help," and walking out of the room. I'll never forget what I saw in the mirror right after. I looked so messed up, my eyes were quite scary black, and I looked angry just like my father, I felt like a monster. That was it for me, I got back on my feet, joined the air force and I haven't looked back. My life isn't all beer and skittles yet but I have this amazing wife that is so wonderful and supportive, and hopefully I will be starting HRT soon. In the words of Borat, "great success"

feels good to be back on your feet

Ive always been very sensitive and feminine! but i didnt realise that i was a transexual until i was about 20 years oold.

I always felt so ugly as a boy, and would dream of being a girl, and was so jealous of other girls. When i was younger i used to dream of a machine that would turn me into a girl!!!
I always have cross dressed, but i though of it as something i could never tell anyone, and just thought i was a transvestite or something.

Uni was when i started to fully come to terms with being a transexual, i never fitted in with the boys on my course and lived in a house of girls. I knew i wasn't gay, but didn't want to "be with" girls. i just wanted to be one of the girls, I was so confused.

I think coming to terms with who i am, and coming out to myself took a lot of time, as i was always aware of other people, and really tried so hard to fit in and feel good about myself.

Since coming out to myself however, things have moved very quickly, i now live as a woman outside of work, have come out to a number of friends, and am looking to start on hormones sometime next year.

So pretty much, i've known that i was different from a very young age, but didn't actually come to terms with being a transexual until i was about 20!!

xx

Quote from: Zoe Louise Taylor on December 28, 2013, 03:28:40 PM
Ive always been very sensitive and feminine! but i didnt realise that i was a transexual until i was about 20 years oold.

I always felt so ugly as a boy, and would dream of being a girl, and was so jealous of other girls. When i was younger i used to dream of a machine that would turn me into a girl!!!
I always have cross dressed, but i though of it as something i could never tell anyone, and just thought i was a transvestite or something.

Uni was when i started to fully come to terms with being a transexual, i never fitted in with the boys on my course and lived in a house of girls. I knew i wasn't gay, but didn't want to "be with" girls. i just wanted to be one of the girls, I was so confused.

I think coming to terms with who i am, and coming out to myself took a lot of time, as i was always aware of other people, and really tried so hard to fit in and feel good about myself.

Since coming out to myself however, things have moved very quickly, i now live as a woman outside of work, have come out to a number of friends, and am looking to start on hormones sometime next year.

So pretty much, i've known that i was different from a very young age, but didn't actually come to terms with being a transexual until i was about 20!!

xx

I had the same experience It just took me longer to come to terms with it.

I started writing a longer reply to this question and it ballooned into an epic, so I decided to post it separately.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,156602.new.html#new

Quote from: noleen111 on December 28, 2013, 10:10:01 AMI am getting my vagina installed next month.

LOL - I once told some people that my parents did something wrong. They managed to do a conceiled installation of the genitals with my sister but they failed to do so on me, so I will need a doctor do that for me and put the parts where they belong.

Quote from: Zoe Louise Taylor on December 28, 2013, 03:28:40 PM
Ive always been very sensitive and feminine! but i didnt realise that i was a transexual until i was about 20 years oold.

I always felt so ugly as a boy, and would dream of being a girl, and was so jealous of other girls. When i was younger i used to dream of a machine that would turn me into a girl!!!
I always have cross dressed, but i though of it as something i could never tell anyone, and just thought i was a transvestite or something.

Uni was when i started to fully come to terms with being a transexual, i never fitted in with the boys on my course and lived in a house of girls. I knew i wasn't gay, but didn't want to "be with" girls. i just wanted to be one of the girls, I was so confused.

I think coming to terms with who i am, and coming out to myself took a lot of time, as i was always aware of other people, and really tried so hard to fit in and feel good about myself.

Since coming out to myself however, things have moved very quickly, i now live as a woman outside of work, have come out to a number of friends, and am looking to start on hormones sometime next year.

So pretty much, i've known that i was different from a very young age, but didn't actually come to terms with being a transexual until i was about 20!!

xx

I felt so phony as a guy . I was never sure why I didn't like presenting male ,but I know I never liked it. I also dressed a lot because I had 2 sisters . I tried to keep it a secret but from things occasionally said in family situations I guess I wasn't all that stealth.

 15 when I got slammed in the face with it. It was devastating  :. I did not know what was wrong with me.
back then there was no internet, I had to figure it out on my own.
I don't know anyone who  says , when I grow up I want to be a transgender.

Quote from: victoria n on December 29, 2013, 01:59:15 PM
15 when I got slammed in the face with it. It was devastating  :. I did not know what was wrong with me.
back then there was no internet, I had to figure it out on my own.
I don't know anyone who  says , when I grow up I want to be a transgender.

I know some things have changed with the view of being transgender, it's got a little better but not much. I know growing up I was always aware of what I was, but also afraid of it because I knew it wasn't the thing you'd acknowledged to want to grow up to be. I was infatuated with Christein Jorgensten's story , but I was also ashamed.

Quote from: noleen111 on December 28, 2013, 10:10:01 AM
I remember at the age of 6 looking at pictures of little girls, and wondering what it was like to be that little girl or what it was like to wear a pretty dress.

At the age of 14, I starting wearing my mothers pantyhose in secret when no one was around. I remember getting home from school, I had the house to myself for about am hour. I would put on pantyhose and pounce again the house. Got caught once and was given a lecture by my mother that boys don't wear pantyhose. That stopped me for a while. I tried to be a normal boy and did boy things. I was "normal" on the outside, but inside I wanted to wear pantyhose again. at 16 I did wear them again, this time a pair of white cotton panties was added to the mix. This time I bought my own pantyhose and later the panties. I wanted to wear more, but was afraid I would get caught and laughed at.

At the age of 19 I expanded my wear to include an old cheer leader skirt and got caught again, but this time by my future best friend, who was a girl. She did not judge me and she accepted me. We chatted about it and she did not mind me wearing my outfit and  when we studied together. She use to work in a second hand clothing store, and about two months later she got me my first dress. I was a blue winter dress. 2 days later with her help I dressed fully for the first time. That day I shaved my legs for the first time, wore a bra and high heels for the first time. I also wore nail polish and makeup for the first time too that day. The rest was history... With her support I started seeing a therapist, which lead to HRT at 21.. now 3 years later.. I am getting my vagina installed next month. She has already told me, she will be there when I wake up from operation.  I am now gonna be that girl I imagined at the age of 6.

I owe everything to my best friend, who now is also my roommate. She showed me how to be a woman.  She says to me at times when I do something really girly e.g. when I wanna go shoe shopping or see a nice dress.. wow noleen you are such a girl. I feel so warm inside when she says it.

Noleen, congrats and to have a friend like that !! She is such a beautiful person to have helped in which way she did your story brought tears to my eyes its so very rare to have a friend like this and gain the bond you 2 have.. soo wonderful :) :)

For me it was always about my body.  My first conscious thought about my body as female was in first grade, in swim lessons at the YMCA.  Even at that young age I was thinking about my breasts.

I did not think about clothes, toys etc., but my parents must have been doing so.  I remember my mother having me wear some of her clothes in plays and at Hallowe'en, in the fourth, fifth, sixth grades.  And about that time I had to wear girl's white figure skates at the ice skating rink.  I begged my parents to get me black ones, but they said I was to wear the white ones.

My breasts came in when I was 11, in sixth grade.  I really loved my body, my breasts, then, and my female classmates thought I should be wearing a bra.  Not that I really needed to wear one, but that is when it became clear what my body was up to.  After that my consciousness of feeling female-bodied developed slowly but steadily, and with it, occasional exploration of female clothes.  In young adulthood, eventually, typical gender dysphoria conflicts came in, too.

Quote from: peky on December 14, 2013, 05:06:33 PM
Also 3 or 4 YO...
I remember seeing my twin sister's growing breast, and all I had was a flat chest...I cried so hard....

I experienced a similar feelings, Peky, in high school, but for me it was not about my breasts.  Maybe you could say it was about my hips: the realization that I could never become pregnant, carry a child.  I cried about that, several times. 

And many years later, I came to realize that some of my very first body-oriented memories preceded first grade.  They were about looking up at some innocuous artwork in our home that made me want to be pregnant like my mother was, so that must've been 3 or 4 years old when she was carrying my little sister.  I must have been mimicking my mother somehow, like little girls do when they see their mothers pregnant.  I guess that is why my mother allowed me to wear her clothes, years later.

And I definitely have her body type: broad hips, large breasts, supposedly pretty <--according to my sister.

Things are going better now, of course, but those early days were tough because mysterious, hard to understand.

Thanks for starting this thread.  It is good.

Quote from: generous4 on January 04, 2014, 07:50:18 PM
For me it was always about my body.  My first conscious thought about my body as female was in first grade, in swim lessons at the YMCA.  Even at that young age I was thinking about my breasts.

I did not think about clothes, toys etc., but my parents must have been doing so.  I remember my mother having me wear some of her clothes in plays and at Hallowe'en, in the fourth, fifth, sixth grades.  And about that time I had to wear girl's white figure skates at the ice skating rink.  I begged my parents to get me black ones, but they said I was to wear the white ones.

My breasts came in when I was 11, in sixth grade.  I really loved my body, my breasts, then, and my female classmates thought I should be wearing a bra.  Not that I really needed to wear one, but that is when it became clear what my body was up to.  After that my consciousness of feeling female-bodied developed slowly but steadily, and with it, occasional exploration of female clothes.  In young adulthood, eventually, typical gender dysphoria conflicts came in, too.


I experienced a similar feelings, Peky, in high school, but for me it was not about my breasts.  Maybe you could say it was about my hips: the realization that I could never become pregnant, carry a child.  I cried about that, several times. 

And many years later, I came to realize that some of my very first body-oriented memories preceded first grade.  They were about looking up at some innocuous artwork in our home that made me want to be pregnant like my mother was, so that must've been 3 or 4 years old when she was carrying my little sister.  I must have been mimicking my mother somehow, like little girls do when they see their mothers pregnant.  I guess that is why my mother allowed me to wear her clothes, years later.

And I definitely have her body type: broad hips, large breasts, supposedly pretty <--according to my sister.

Things are going better now, of course, but those early days were tough because mysterious, hard to understand.

Thanks for starting this thread.  It is good.

my parents did that same thing to me with boots I was around 4 when I got into my sisters clothes

It wasn't until around puberty for me, until then I was always quite feminine but didn't feel the dysphoria yet. Around 12 or 13 I was reading the "what's happening to my body book for boys" all the time and realizing everything was completely wrong. I also began to see (now that I look back, this was true when I was much younger as well) that I had very little in common, personality wise, with my male friends. It wasn't until he that I truly came to terms with who I was and much later(now) that I could come out and do something about it :)

Quote from: FinallyMe84 on January 04, 2014, 11:32:31 PM
It wasn't until around puberty for me, until then I was always quite feminine but didn't feel the dysphoria yet. Around 12 or 13 I was reading the "what's happening to my body book for boys" all the time and realizing everything was completely wrong. I also began to see (now that I look back, this was true when I was much younger as well) that I had very little in common, personality wise, with my male friends. It wasn't until he that I truly came to terms with who I was and much later(now) that I could come out and do something about it :)

My personality was totally non male in grade school . never talked ,cried a lot and  didn't want to be part of the boys groups. High school I developed a very false male and went out of my way to show I was male. This made me quite depressed because I wasn't this person.

QuoteMy personality was totally non male in grade school . never talked ,cried a lot and  didn't want to be part of the boys groups

I was like that in kindergarten and a bit in elementary school. My parents sent me to a psychotherapist for that then as I was not behaving like they expected from a boy my age. Great. Afterwards I retreated and became a loner mostly :( - plus I also had that development of a fake personality more and more... :(

Quote from: anjaq on January 05, 2014, 06:35:42 PM
I was like that in kindergarten and a bit in elementary school. My parents sent me to a psychotherapist for that then as I was not behaving like they expected from a boy my age. Great. Afterwards I retreated and became a loner mostly :( - plus I also had that development of a fake personality more and more... :(

I don't Know if it would of helped me because I wouldn't talk to any body so it might of turned out to be futile for me to see a psychiatrist some times I wish they had sent me to one ,but then again I doubt they would of been able to get me to talk.

Yes, same here - I did not really talk to the therapist back then. So it was kind of useless actually :P
But it made me feel like I had done something seriously wrong, so I guess it fostered my development of a fake boyish personality :\

Quote from: anjaq on January 05, 2014, 07:02:29 PM
Yes, same here - I did not really talk to the therapist back then. So it was kind of useless actually :P
But it made me feel like I had done something seriously wrong, so I guess it fostered my development of a fake boyish personality :\

yea , it was truly a fake guy. In high school it got bad my out side was trying to be a party guy to try to cover up my inside turmoil . I remember one class we had in psychology were we drew a diagram representing our selves. I drew a circle with Mr. party on the outside and my true self hiding in the center. It was an all boys school so I didn't go totally true self

Ok, I was not that well in faking it. I just retreated mostly, was a loner, had a protector at school, a big guy who was my friend and no one would dare hit me :) - but I never dated and partied only moderately. The worst idea was once when I tried to pretend to get male and decided I will not choose civil service as the option at conscription time but actually let them draft me. I thought I would be taught how to finally get this guy thing. Luckily I was at university then and they did not get me and when I was out of that and actually at the stage of transitioning, they tried again but all they got from me was the letter which confirmed my name change. That did it for them. It was a stupid idea anyways. That male simulation was badly written and full of bugs and it crashed in 1997, way before y2k, though y2k was the date some of the major hardware issues around it was fixed with my SRS LOL - I just read too muc of our IRC chat where it was all tech talk for the last minutes :P

Quote from: anjaq on January 05, 2014, 07:25:56 PM
Ok, I was not that well in faking it. I just retreated mostly, was a loner, had a protector at school, a big guy who was my friend and no one would dare hit me :) - but I never dated and partied only moderately. The worst idea was once when I tried to pretend to get male and decided I will not choose civil service as the option at conscription time but actually let them draft me. I thought I would be taught how to finally get this guy thing. Luckily I was at university then and they did not get me and when I was out of that and actually at the stage of transitioning, they tried again but all they got from me was the letter which confirmed my name change. That did it for them. It was a stupid idea anyways. That male simulation was badly written and full of bugs and it crashed in 1997, way before y2k, though y2k was the date some of the major hardware issues around it was fixed with my SRS LOL - I just read too muc of our IRC chat where it was all tech talk for the last minutes :P

I got stuck doing the army thing it nearly completely broke apart because of the guy thing

Your being sent to a psychologist reminds me of being sent to classes to learn to walk and talk like a girl. It didn't really take either.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 05, 2014, 07:44:22 PM
I got stuck doing the army thing it nearly completely broke apart because of the guy thing

You know ever since I could remember I wanted to fly planes. I got accepted as a aviation officer candidate in the Navy, and went in to OCS. I knew I would eventually fall apart in the service, though, because of how I was obligated to hide myself. I quit. I was much too afraid to do the "military career" thing so many other trans people had warned about. Once I was commissioned I was obligated to serve 8 years active duty, which as a guy would have been unbearable.

Now that I'm trans they won't even take me back. They're really missing out on a great pilot too. That was 5 years ago and it still kills me. Thanks for your post though, I try to remind myself of all the TG people who went through with it and regretted it too.

Quote from: MiaOhMya! on January 05, 2014, 09:31:06 PM
Now that I'm trans they won't even take me back. They're really missing out on a great pilot too.

Such stupidity. What does gender presentation have to do with spatial reasoning, reflexes, and tactical intuition?  :-\

Quote from: Gwynne on January 05, 2014, 09:37:03 PM
Such stupidity. What does gender presentation have to do with spatial reasoning, reflexes, and tactical intuition?  :-\

Hrmm...I think your avatar pretty much explains what it has to do with it.  :(

If the Navy opened up to TG service, I would definitely go back. I would gladly be the first TG pilot and all the flak it would entail just as long as I got my time in the seat. I feel like I live in such an ignorant time.

I find myself stunned I can't really remember anything before 6 or 7, nor have I really ever expressed myself as being either girl or boy. I wish I could bring up those memories maybe unlock something I've missed.

Yet I remember other things, I use to draw pictures of guys (They were a few levels above stick figures at this point I was around 6 or 7) and slowly add to the picture and the guy would become a girl. I always had a vivid uncontrollable imagination. I use to pretend my male G.I Joes turning into females G.I Joes. I began wishing, dream, praying and even attempting "magic" to become a girl. I once borrowed some of my sisters clothing but almost getting caught I never did it again. Lots of other things that should have been clues.

So fast forward many years and really wasn't till I came here to Susan's place to get feed-back on my voice that it really hit me that I am transgender. I really blame my thick head....

Funny really.

Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part, or is there a disproportionate number of trans women who have some link with the military? 

Quote from: Jenna Stannis on January 05, 2014, 11:28:20 PM
Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part, or is there a disproportionate number of trans women who have some link with the military?

I think perhaps we hope it will sweep us away, change us. Alleviate the dysphoria. The warnings I chose to heed from those who did the same before me is that being trans is who I am, and that nothing will change that.

I just wanted to fly, it is my passion, but being trans is who I am so the choice was obvious. Tough but obvious.

Quote from: MiaOhMya! on January 06, 2014, 12:28:59 AM
I think perhaps we hope it will sweep us away, change us. Alleviate the dysphoria. The warnings I chose to heed from those who did the same before me is that being trans is who I am, and that nothing will change that.

I just wanted to fly, it is my passion, but being trans is who I am so the choice was obvious. Tough but obvious.

I remember sitting at base looking in the sky and seeing the jets go by I wishing I could do that. I use to imagine sitting in the pilots seat

I don't have the greatest memory, but I remember that I didn't have much dysphoria until I was a bit older, around 12 or so when I got in Jr. High School. I think it's because when I was very young the few friends I had were mostly girls, and so we would spend our time playing "house" or "dress-up," and so I was perfectly content. I do remember wanting to be girl at this age, although it was never really at the forefront of my mind. I didn't really have any issues until puberty started to hit. That's when I realized that something wasn't right. I noticed that I didn't think or act like the other boys, and I would often fantasize about being protected or rescued (not that women need to be protected or rescued, it was just how I was projecting my feelings at the time). I tried to force these feelings down below the surface, partially because I was in denial, partially because my family has always been very conservative and religious, and I knew that they wouldn't accept anything less than a real "man's man." In retrospect, I realize that this was likely the source of the deep depression I fought through in my mid-teens to early twenties.

Still, it wasn't until I was about 18 that I finally realized that I REALLY wanted to be a woman. It became a burning desire that would always resurface, no matter how hard I tried to suppress it. At first, it didn't affect my daily life too much. I could go days, or even weeks, without thinking about it if I carefully monitored my thoughts. But then I met another trans woman, and she told me about all of this stuff, and that's when I knew without a doubt that someday I would do something to change this body, to make it match what I feel on the inside.

Wow, long read. Sorry about the wall of text ;D

Long story short: about 12, I suppose.

Quote from: Jenna Stannis on January 05, 2014, 11:28:20 PM
Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part, or is there a disproportionate number of trans women who have some link with the military? 

I think this is so and it puzzles me as well. I get the whole "maybe I can 'become a man by joining the military'" to a degree - but I don't get how, once that fails, one can stay with that. For me personally just the realization of the reality of such a decision was enough to break the whole thing apart and actually lead up to me transitioning as it finally broke down all the fake maleness. I think if I really had let them draft me, I think within months I would have done everything I could to get out. But it seems some people keep trying?
This is not so much about being a soldier - I dont get that either but one of the girls in my school became a soldier and likes it so it is not necessarily a male/female thing to joing the military or not (even though there is a strong tendency). But to be all the time with males, behave in a very male fashion, fulfil rather male sterotypes - this is tough, it amazes me how one can build such an elaborate simulation to fulfill all of these....?

Quote from: Aina on January 05, 2014, 10:22:15 PM
I find myself stunned I can't really remember anything before 6 or 7, nor have I really ever expressed myself as being either girl or boy. I wish I could bring up those memories maybe unlock something I've missed.

Yes. I have the same issue. I got information about earlier times only from my moms report at my psych during transition (she said I played with girls but kind of retreated often, was as fast as other girls in learning to walk and to read). But before 6 or 7 - nothing in my memory. Interestingly, this was about the same time that I was first sent to the child psych (age 7-9)...

Im not very typical in this regard. I never thought I was female, not ever, not even once until about 5 years ago. High school was definetly a hard time for me, I was often beaten and called gay, ->-bleeped-<-got etc. Always a loner and never had any male friends.

I did get caught doing something though when I was about 12. This resulted in 3 years off and on of incarceration at CAMH being systematically tortured with reparative therapy. In my case mostly electric shocks, my finger is still numb to this day from it. I guess that cured me until I got much older. I still remember Dr. Freund, I hope he burns in hell forever.

Quote from: amber1964 on January 06, 2014, 10:19:31 AM
Im not very typical in this regard. I never thought I was female, not ever, not even once until about 5 years ago. High school was definetly a hard time for me, I was often beaten and called gay, ->-bleeped-<-got etc. Always a loner and never had any male friends.

I did get caught doing something though when I was about 12. This resulted in 3 years off and on of incarceration at CAMH being systematically tortured with reparative therapy. In my case mostly electric shocks, my finger is still numb to this day from it. I guess that cured me until I got much older. I still remember Dr. Freund, I hope he burns in hell forever.

If you don't mind what country was this in, I hope not the US

Quote from: anjaq on January 06, 2014, 10:14:14 AM
I think this is so and it puzzles me as well. I get the whole "maybe I can 'become a man by joining the military'" to a degree - but I don't get how, once that fails, one can stay with that. For me personally just the realization of the reality of such a decision was enough to break the whole thing apart and actually lead up to me transitioning as it finally broke down all the fake maleness. I think if I really had let them draft me, I think within months I would have done everything I could to get out. But it seems some people keep trying?
This is not so much about being a soldier - I dont get that either but one of the girls in my school became a soldier and likes it so it is not necessarily a male/female thing to joing the military or not (even though there is a strong tendency). But to be all the time with males, behave in a very male fashion, fulfil rather male sterotypes - this is tough, it amazes me how one can build such an elaborate simulation to fulfill all of these....?
Yes. I have the same issue. I got information about earlier times only from my moms report at my psych during transition (she said I played with girls but kind of retreated often, was as fast as other girls in learning to walk and to read). But before 6 or 7 - nothing in my memory. Interestingly, this was about the same time that I was first sent to the child psych (age 7-9)...

I got drafted so wasn't too much of a choice

Quote from: anjaq on January 06, 2014, 10:14:14 AM
Yes. I have the same issue. I got information about earlier times only from my moms report at my psych during transition (she said I played with girls but kind of retreated often, was as fast as other girls in learning to walk and to read). But before 6 or 7 - nothing in my memory. Interestingly, this was about the same time that I was first sent to the child psych (age 7-9)...

I was and still I am hyper-active I spent allot of my child-hood drugged up (if you know anything about that you know I was half zombiefied). I suppose this could be a reason why, that most of my memories of wanting to be female really didn't surfaced till around late middle-school and highschool, where some how I talked my parents in letting me get off the meds.

I find myself slightly jealous of other peoples stories. That can't remember anything earlier then 6 to justify myself being trans which is odd right? I am pre-everything I find myself looking for that one perfect moment. As if I were to find it, then I'd suddenly get the courage to come out move forward and be certain on my decision to want to transition..

Quote from: stephaniec on January 06, 2014, 10:57:21 AM
I got drafted so wasn't too much of a choice

Darn - yeah, they had drafts here too. One had the chance to disobey them and was then given the alternative of doing a longer civil service. Most guys I know did that option. I wanted to not do that, I wanted somehow to let them do that "making a man" thing, but as I said the thought of that was participating in the whole "i cannot do any of that anymore" thing, and when they really came for it, I had already diagnosis and name change...
For a moment they still wanted me to come i and report. I was considering to do it LOL - but I ended up just sending them a letter

Quote from: Aina on January 06, 2014, 11:13:30 AM
I find myself slightly jealous of other peoples stories. That can't remember anything earlier then 6 to justify myself being trans which is odd right? I am pre-everything I find myself looking for that one perfect moment. As if I were to find it, then I'd suddenly get the courage to come out move forward and be certain on my decision to want to transition..

I totall know this. I looked a lot into my past for a justification. Which was in a way stupid, even though I found many little things. But what was the point in the end - the important thing, that told me everything I needed to know was that my craving to get a female body was so strong that I was looking for a justification everywhere to "allow myself" against my learned reservations to pursue that body change. I later learned that this is a major indicator in itself - others are afraid to be trans - I was afraid not to be trans and then be denied by society, by the doctors and by peers to do a transition and reshape my body - this speaks of such a strong craving that it spoke for itself. Well but really to find all these bits in my past of course helped me to get the courage. Its all post-7 year old though. I have no clue as to what is blocking there...

Quote from: anjaq on January 06, 2014, 11:42:01 AM
Darn - yeah, they had drafts here too. One had the chance to disobey them and was then given the alternative of doing a longer civil service. Most guys I know did that option. I wanted to not do that, I wanted somehow to let them do that "making a man" thing, but as I said the thought of that was participating in the whole "i cannot do any of that anymore" thing, and when they really came for it, I had already diagnosis and name change...
For a moment they still wanted me to come i and report. I was considering to do it LOL - but I ended up just sending them a letter
I totall know this. I looked a lot into my past for a justification. Which was in a way stupid, even though I found many little things. But what was the point in the end - the important thing, that told me everything I needed to know was that my craving to get a female body was so strong that I was looking for a justification everywhere to "allow myself" against my learned reservations to pursue that body change. I later learned that this is a major indicator in itself - others are afraid to be trans - I was afraid not to be trans and then be denied by society, by the doctors and by peers to do a transition and reshape my body - this speaks of such a strong craving that it spoke for itself. Well but really to find all these bits in my past of course helped me to get the courage. Its all post-7 year old though. I have no clue as to what is blocking there...

The only reason I can remember being 4 years old is because I used to put my sisters slip on and lay in bed at night and look out my bedroom door into the hall way because there was a night lite. I've racked my brains trying to remember if I went to sleep with it on and if so how I got it off by morning if I did. I've tried to remember ,but I can't. all I know is I put it on and lied down straighten it out and then nothing from then on. The only thing I can think of is that my mother came in long after I fell asleep and took it off, but I haven't the slightest clue.

While not wanting to derail a great thread there are US studies that indicate a proportionately large number of transgender people have done the military thing.  Like so many I saw it as the traditional way to become a man and even being a dead hero seemed a glorious way out of hell.  Ironically that's when I met my first adult boyfriends, confirmed my adult orientation and first said aloud that I am not a man.  I also learned too graphically that warfare is nothing like the glorious movie portrayals.

Early childhood recollections for LGBTQ people can definitely be impacted by pain and repression.  I have a very senior lesbian relative that could not recall any of her childhood and doesn't want to.

I never really thought of being a women as more then a dream or wish when I went to bed. I tried to live a male life, did the Army thing got married had a kid etc. I started to get really depressed after awhile because the things I thought would make me happy just weren't. Spent a couple weeks inpatient for suicidal ideations followed by a month partial outpatient. I really had to figure things out after that and finally realized being a women wasn't just something I could just keep wishing I'd wake up as and I had to make it happen. I've been noticeably happier since I started my journey. Friday I should actually start hormones and I can't wait. Just waiting for my medical discharge so I can go full time and go to school.

Basically at 3 or 4, which goes back to my 2nd ever memory. I remember taking baths with my mother, and noticing the difference down there, and that bothered me, it wasn't right, it was off. So I slammed down the toilet seat many times a day on it, making it purple, hoping it'd fall off from impact alone, and telling my mother I didn't want it anymore. When this didn't work, I got a 'toolbox' book kit-the only one I read was about how to use a saw...yes, I tried that too. I still have those thoughts now at 21, if I knew I didn't need it for SRS. :(

Quote from: amber1964 on January 06, 2014, 10:19:31 AM
Im not very typical in this regard. I never thought I was female, not ever, not even once until about 5 years ago. High school was definetly a hard time for me, I was often beaten and called gay, ->-bleeped-<-got etc. Always a loner and never had any male friends.

I did get caught doing something though when I was about 12. This resulted in 3 years off and on of incarceration at CAMH being systematically tortured with reparative therapy. In my case mostly electric shocks, my finger is still numb to this day from it. I guess that cured me until I got much older. I still remember Dr. Freund, I hope he burns in hell forever.

CAMH = Canadian Association of Mental Health  :-\

Quote from: GorJess on January 06, 2014, 05:21:51 PM
Basically at 3 or 4, which goes back to my 2nd ever memory. I remember taking baths with my mother, and noticing the difference down there, and that bothered me, it wasn't right, it was off. So I slammed down the toilet seat many times a day on it, making it purple, hoping it'd fall off from impact alone, and telling my mother I didn't want it anymore. When this didn't work, I got a 'toolbox' book kit-the only one I read was about how to use a saw...yes, I tried that too. I still have those thoughts now at 21, if I knew I didn't need it for SRS. :(

wow, Never did any thing like that, but I had intense dreams about my genitals , blood vessels and all going down the toilet . Had those dreams in late grade school.

Yes it was Canada, But the same was common practice in the US as well in the fifties, sixties, seventies. For gays and lesbains as well. Im sorry to say. Many lives ruined, guess no one would bes surprised I detest psychiatrists. Medicine men not men of medicine. Hate them all.

Quote from: amber1964 on January 06, 2014, 08:59:35 PM
Yes it was Canada, But the same was common practice in the US as well in the fifties, sixties, seventies. For gays and lesbains as well. Im sorry to say. Many lives ruined, guess no one would bes surprised I detest psychiatrists. Medicine men not men of medicine. Hate them all.

It was common in the UK also.I dreaded anyone finding out my secret for these reasons,there was no one I could talk to.I'm 56 and grew up thinking I was going to end up in jail,the loony bin or the cemetary.

Around 11 years, I had this feeling I wanted to wear girls clothes. 
I had no idea why, but being in a fundamentalist church really didn't help.  I didn't try on anything for like 2 years. 
However, when I was in second grade I had hard sole shoes on, so I had to wear a spare pair.  I for some unknown reason at the time, picked the strawberry shortcake ones, which were pink.  I remember, I forgot to take them off and someone had to point it out that I was still wearing them. 
I don't think I wore them again.

I just remembered, I was 12 or 13 and had chest pains and had to go to the doctor.  He told me that sometimes boys my age our chest grow out a bit.  Funny thing was I was not freaked out about it, in fact felt kinda relieved.  Wow, I almost forgot about that!

I do have Gynecomastia, thou they aren't really big. 

Quote from: Jenna Stannis on January 05, 2014, 11:28:20 PM
Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part, or is there a disproportionate number of trans women who have some link with the military?

Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part?  Or is there a disproportionate number of trans women in this thread who report the first transgender thoughts in terms of girl's or women's clothing?

Being as how, for me, it was body-centric, not clothes.

Just curious.

Quote from: generous4 on January 07, 2014, 07:32:37 AM
Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part?  Or is there a disproportionate number of trans women in this thread who report the first transgender thoughts in terms of girl's or women's clothing?

Young children have effectively interchangeable bodies. Gender really is a superficial construct for them. I was technically aware of the plumbing differences, but didn't give them any thought. When I start to, at around ten/eleven, body dysphoria hit me like a ton of bricks.

Your observation about the military is correct IMHO. But its not so much the military. Its an all out attempt to fit into a masculine role and reject what we often feel are disgraceful, disgusting and immoral ideas about female things. Look at my avatar, thats me now. Rewind a little more than 5 years, I was a body builder, 120-130 pounds heavier and all muscle. Imagine a shorter version of the "Rock". That was me.

I can only speak for myself. But I grew up in a time when gays were ->-bleeped-<-gots and homos and it was considered fun on weekends to drive down to gay town and go gay bashing. Being trans? OMFG, I never thought I was and no exaggeration if anyone had thought so in the small ontario town I grew up in I would likely be dead. Being a feminine young boy was bad enough, I barely got through that set of beatings but they just thought I was a homo. I was a tiny boy, very late puberty and beaten so severely that I was hospitalized three times. Other things happened too, worse, I dont talk about them.

At some point I started puberty and sprouted from 5 feet to 5 feet 7. I started working out. I decided no one was ever going to hurt me or have reason to accuse me of being a homo ever again. It worked to. I filled out a lot, I forced myself to be a man and at some point I found out how to be a kind of man that people would accept. It all worked really well until it didnt.

Thats why.

Quote from: amber1964 on January 06, 2014, 10:19:31 AM
Im not very typical in this regard. I never thought I was female, not ever, not even once until about 5 years ago. High school was definetly a hard time for me, I was often beaten and called gay, ->-bleeped-<-got etc. Always a loner and never had any male friends.

I did get caught doing something though when I was about 12. This resulted in 3 years off and on of incarceration at CAMH being systematically tortured with reparative therapy. In my case mostly electric shocks, my finger is still numb to this day from it. I guess that cured me until I got much older. I still remember Dr. Freund, I hope he burns in hell forever.

I thank god that didn't happen to me. I don't know what would of happen to me later in life. I had severe cross dressing as a child.

Well, like most things you get through them or you dont. In my case I went on to have a succesful business career, two marriages, one daughter, 5 suicide attempts, 2 admissions to a mental ward, substantial alcohol and drug abuse (recovering now, sober and clean for some time) , self harming (burning mostly but cutting as well) and a whole host of phsychological problems at least so they tell me.

I dont say this for sympathy, Im lucky and feel blessed. But its what happens when we are not treated. Others are gone and so none of it matters. My story is not unique other than through some miracle I lived long enough to transition. My transition I take pride in, the rest is just stuff that happened. My therapist said I was a survivor like somehow it is a medal I have or something to take pride in. I dont see it that way, I just got lucky.

This is why I got a little irritable when people want to have these intellectual discussions about what is trans or what makes a real woman or assorted other worthless psychological studies. Meanwhile we die. Think TDOR consists of all those who died? Think again, lots of people were like me, they just died and no one ever knew they were trans anything In fact, I think a lot of unexplained suicides and drug problems come form untreated transsexuality. Its why I always reach out to someone who needs to talk. I dont want to see another one of us ever go through the things I had to. If I can help in some small way, just be listening, I will. I care about everyone, but I am trans and so each and every one holds a special place in my heart.

Sorry to ramble. I only told the parts I share. There are other things, worse but they are not to be spoken of and I never will.

Quote from: generous4 on January 07, 2014, 07:32:37 AM
Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part?  Or is there a disproportionate number of trans women in this thread who report the first transgender thoughts in terms of girl's or women's clothing?

Being as how, for me, it was body-centric, not clothes.

For me it was several things - Not many clothes experiences in the early years - more the feeling of being excluded from the girls group for no reasonable cause (IMO back then) - playing with the girls in elementary school (in a time when there was still games with ropes and chalk being played ;) ) - why should I not be with them? Only once I remember I was wearing my sisters clothes actually and we both then ran to my mom and said something like "look, I am also a girl" or therelike - fuzzy though... Later for me, I mostly wanted actually to have womens hips and thighs - I picked girls in the few computer games that existed and did online aerobic exercises with womens figures on the screen that had female curves that I wanted and hoped to get with the exercises. Later I actually did put on a bra and filled it with stuff and went to bed, feeling hte pressure of that on my chest just as it should be. So for me, it was fairly body centric as well. Later I actually did also some experiments with clothes, but that was more in the midst of puberty. I guess typically it is that which is the most obvious and most "new" difference between the perceived and the true gender which is at any age the thing that causes most dysphoria. In elementary school it was the seperation of social groups that emerged (while in kindergarten everyone played with everyone else if wanted) - in puberty it was a lot of body issues, later in puberty it was all of that but on top also maybe some more clothing issues as girls started to dress up more. At the end of puberty and school, it was diverging life paths and actually the step from girl to woman or boy to man - that was too much dysphoria then for me at that point ;)

What I do not get really about this military or other hypermasculine lifepaths is how one can keep to that for so long. Does it not cause an ever and ever increasing dysphoria which is unbearable? I mean I can imagine to somehow try this to get away from something perceived as shameful - but doesn't one realize after days, weeks, months or at leat a year or so that it does not work and that dysphoria is actually really bad then because the divergence between the own personality and the social and physical gender and sex that is then even more male-ish than before is even greater and causing more pain?

Quote from: anjaq on January 07, 2014, 02:52:12 PM
What I do not get really about this military or other hypermasculine lifepaths is how one can keep to that for so long. Does it not cause an ever and ever increasing dysphoria which is unbearable? I mean I can imagine to somehow try this to get away from something perceived as shameful - but doesn't one realize after days, weeks, months or at leat a year or so that it does not work and that dysphoria is actually really bad then because the divergence between the own personality and the social and physical gender and sex that is then even more male-ish than before is even greater and causing more pain?

Lots of self denial and stubbornness and it does lead to greater dysphoria. It gets really hard to keep up with the male talk and joking too cause I never could understand being so crude, spent 2 years where 95% of the people I worked with were men and mostly infantry.

Quote from: anjaq on January 07, 2014, 02:52:12 PM
For me it was several things - Not many clothes experiences in the early years - more the feeling of being excluded from the girls group for no reasonable cause (IMO back then) - playing with the girls in elementary school (in a time when there was still games with ropes and chalk being played ;) ) - why should I not be with them? Only once I remember I was wearing my sisters clothes actually and we both then ran to my mom and said something like "look, I am also a girl" or therelike - fuzzy though... Later for me, I mostly wanted actually to have womens hips and thighs - I picked girls in the few computer games that existed and did online aerobic exercises with womens figures on the screen that had female curves that I wanted and hoped to get with the exercises. Later I actually did put on a bra and filled it with stuff and went to bed, feeling hte pressure of that on my chest just as it should be. So for me, it was fairly body centric as well. Later I actually did also some experiments with clothes, but that was more in the midst of puberty. I guess typically it is that which is the most obvious and most "new" difference between the perceived and the true gender which is at any age the thing that causes most dysphoria. In elementary school it was the seperation of social groups that emerged (while in kindergarten everyone played with everyone else if wanted) - in puberty it was a lot of body issues, later in puberty it was all of that but on top also maybe some more clothing issues as girls started to dress up more. At the end of puberty and school, it was diverging life paths and actually the step from girl to woman or boy to man - that was too much dysphoria then for me at that point ;)

What I do not get really about this military or other hypermasculine lifepaths is how one can keep to that for so long. Does it not cause an ever and ever increasing dysphoria which is unbearable? I mean I can imagine to somehow try this to get away from something perceived as shameful - but doesn't one realize after days, weeks, months or at leat a year or so that it does not work and that dysphoria is actually really bad then because the divergence between the own personality and the social and physical gender and sex that is then even more male-ish than before is even greater and causing more pain?

yes, while I was in it is ever increasing dysphoria.

When I was 8 years old, I liked to play with the girls and one day the mother kicked me out of the house because I was a boy. This made me sad and upset. I did not mind playing with girls toys or being with them. I loved it.

Quote from: izzy on January 07, 2014, 06:31:15 PM
When I was 8 years old, I liked to play with the girls and one day the mother kicked me out of the house because I was a boy. This made me sad and upset. I did not mind playing with girls toys or being with them. I loved it.

That reminds me of when I a kid and we would play "house". I always wanted to be the sister or something similar since I could never be the mom.

Quote from: Gwynne on January 07, 2014, 08:05:31 AM
Young children have effectively interchangeable bodies. Gender really is a superficial construct for them. I was technically aware of the plumbing differences, but didn't give them any thought. When I start to, at around ten/eleven, body dysphoria hit me like a ton of bricks.

Perhaps also why many tomboyish transsexuals like myself weren't aware of any dysphoria whatsoever as kids, but then suddenly puberty hit and all of a sudden it was like "OMG, what the hell is happening to me?"

Quote from: generous4 on January 07, 2014, 07:32:37 AM
Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part?  Or is there a disproportionate number of trans women in this thread who report the first transgender thoughts in terms of girl's or women's clothing?

Being as how, for me, it was body-centric, not clothes.

Just curious.

I don't know is having a boy friend at the same time your cross dressing when your 5 and 6 count as body centric . I think it's a little confusing at this age. I use to think of the boy living 4 houses down from me as my boy friend . We use to hold hands walking down the street. I'm just glad I wasn't living in Canada near that institute , with Dr. shock therapy.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on January 07, 2014, 06:33:29 PM
That reminds me of when I a kid and we would play "house". I always wanted to be the sister or something similar since I could never be the mom.

I virtually lived at the house ctr in Kindergarten :)

when i was 4 or 5 i had gotten the idea that boys turned into girls when they got older and girls turned into boys. no idea where that idea came from, but i asked my mom how old i would be when i became a girl. she looked at me strange and said i'd never be a girl. i was crushed.

Quote from: missadventure on January 07, 2014, 09:40:49 PM
when i was 4 or 5 i had gotten the idea that boys turned into girls when they got older and girls turned into boys. no idea where that idea came from, but i asked my mom how old i would be when i became a girl. she looked at me strange and said i'd never be a girl. i was crushed.

maybe your genes were softly speaking to you.

Quote from: stephaniec on December 28, 2013, 03:41:41 PM
I had the same experience It just took me longer to come to terms with it.

It took me longer to realize I was transgender. I did have an experience when I was 20 that kind of nail me for good about being female, I was in between going to school for about a year and a half. I was working at a hot dog stand by a university. I met a group of girls going to the college and we became close friends. I've considered them my best friends ever because they excepted me as one of them. That experience nailed the door shut on who I was inside and I'll be forever grateful to them for showing me my true self.

A lot of things happened around the time I was 10 or 11. I was always kind of soft and very sensitive but had no problems being a boy and enjoyed plenty of boy stuff but I had a curiosity about girl things I some how knew I wasn't supposed to talk about or let anyone know how I felt. This was away back in the 70's when it wasn't exactly mainstream and "accepted" so I knew I'd just suffer in silence unless some how my mom miraculously figured it out and offered help or I did happen to actually wake up one morning a girl. There were plenty of "triggers" I guess you could call them. The first I suppose was seeing Christine Jorgenson on some TV show and completely mesmorized by her story. After that Robert Reed was on Medical Center and underwent sex reassignment surgery and I so envious and wonderred how I could ever experience that myself but knew I couldn't say anything. So I'd lay in bed at night fantasizing I was laying in my hospital bed trying to fall asleep because I was having my surgery in the morning and later trying to imagine what life would be like post-op and being a complete female and my family relating to me as a girl. Again, knowing I didn't dare speak a word of this to anyone. Back then it was popular for little boys to dress a women for Halloween so I knew that was my way to get to see what it was like to actually be a girl for a few hours. What a complete diappointment it was for me when it turned out to only be one of mom's old dresses, a pair of her very low heeled pumps, an old wig and some makeup. No bra, no panties, no pantyhose, no nail polish, you know, all the nice things that make being a girl so much fun. Then I figured if I could hold onto the costume I could add those on my own and dress up when alone. Well mom wanted her stuff back and didn't take my subtle hints that I wanted to keep the costume. Then one of the Easters around that time really has stood out all these years. My mom wore this really pretty pink dress, pantyhose and black patent leather spike heeled strappy sandals and I so badly wanted to be wearing what she was instead of the crappy suit or slacks and blazer or whatever drab male garbage I was wearing. Wherever we were going I looked in the front seat and saw mom with her dress riding up her nylon encased thighs and I was so jealous. My slightly younger sister always dressed rather frumpy so it was a while before I became jealous of her. My mom being a stay at home mom rarely got all dressd up and I couldn't understand why because it looked like it felt so good and like a lot of fun. Yeah, back then the clothes were the big draw but later as I tried to find relief by crossdressing it eventually hit me the reason I was so frustrated and not finding that relief was because I was still a guy with a guy's body and that was the problem. I son't want to get ahead of myself, I remember those evenings when we'd go out to dinner or shopping (because the stores weren't open on all evenings and Sundays back then) so we'd go out as a family and make an evening of it. On the way home there would be the usual stop at the drug store for odds and ends and I remember being so envious when mom would tell me dad we needed to stop because my sister needed to get "pantynylons". I tried the going through mom's drawers and closet but she was so neat and clean everything had to be folded just so, so I lived in fear of getting caught and as I got older I also outgrew any of her clothes and shoes so I was reduced to looking and touching but I could squeeze into some really stretched out pantyhose, I stole  couple pairs of panties and I scored a really pretty lacy half slip she was actually throwing away. THROWING AWAY!!!!! I felt like grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her "Don't you know I'd practically kill for one of these and you're throwing it out????????" I made another score a while later when she cleaned out her panty drawer and must have replaced every pair. I did have a problem where to hide this stuff because she liked to snoop and go through our rooms. Another early source of incredible envy and frustration was middle school. A lot of the pretty girls who were just being allowed to wear high heels and pantyhose liked to on ocassion dress up for school. Not long after that we were going to the wedding of a family friend and once again wearing a detested suit and ust not wanting to go but I did watch the girls with complete jealousy wanting to be at the wedding but as one of them. It was a very frustrating, scary and confusing time because I knew I wasn't attracted to guys but I was so envious of the girl getting married and later that night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I was trying to imagine what she was doing and just so envious of a woman on her wedding night. The whole day was just miserable and it didn't help that my sister had just started wearing heels and nylons and wearing the prettiest white silky spaghetti strap dress covered in pastel flowers and gorgeous asymetrical hanky hem, tan pantyhose (NOT suntan!!!! yuck) and lavender Candie's slides with the really spikey plastic heels, not the heavier wood ones. She had a few pairs on Candie's in different colors until they went out of style. I knew I couldn't let on my interest so I'd feign ignorance and ask questions like how was she able to walk in them, etc. She was also wearing a delicate little anklet which I've always loved. As you can see femininity has long held an interest and an attraction for me and I still haven't resolved it. Had I been a little more petite and possibly passable appearing maybe my choices would have been open to me but as much as I'd love to be female it's never going to happen for me but for the lucky few, congratulations. It's like watching a prison movie and cheering on the escaping inmates. 

congrats your self . The Jorgansten  story hit me hard too

I don't remember a specific age, but I was very young.  I'm sure I was younger than 6.  I always wanted to hang out with girls, but as I had a sister close in age, I was often prevented from playing with 'her' friends.  I would often 'borrow' her clothes, I remember vividly this BodyGlove bathing suit, lol.  It was like having cookies without milk though.  Conservative parents don't generally want their perceived sons running around in two pieces acting like girls.  So, I usually ran around in two pieces under my clothes, and a thin shell of observed "dude-like" demeanor masking my obvious and inherent feminine mannerisms and desires.

I remember the heavy weight of dysphoria pressing on my back at puberty.  Up until that point, I just knew that my prayers would be answered.  I knew I would become a woman.  Though, I think my problem was that I prayed to too many gods.   ;)

Hmmm  :-\   I know from a very early age I felt different from other kids like me. I was quite, I was never super hyper and I tended to mind my own.  However I always had a niche where I would play with girls instead of boys. At least until the teacher will tell me to go play with the boys on the jungle gym... The thought of being a girl never really hit me until the 6th grade. That was my major depression year where I didn't want to do anything and I hated everything in my life. I always wore a black hoodie and never did anything or wanted to do anything besides tv. I can remember the days when I would come home after school and keep asking myself why do I have to be a boy or why cant I be a girl for at least a day so I can know what its like!  I honestly felt like I was stuck with what I got and nothing could change that and I truly thought about killing myself for it. But every time I got to that point of wanting death; I would think of how hard that would be on my family and how they would never be happy. I never committed to death and I'm glad I had the strength or will to hold out.  After going through middle school (7th and 8th grade) life became good again and I was happy for the most part. My teachers said I no longer looked down at the floor when walking and I smiled more often.  The truth of the matter was I always had a secret and I felted both embarrassed to show it and I protected it very well. However I felt very happy containing it from everyone else. Since I was the older brother of a younger brother in my family, I had no sisters. This led me to discover that I had friends who had sisters.   Now you might be wondering what I'm trying to get at here.  Well I discovered that they have clothes! that they don't like to wear and I would barrow them when I slept over at their houses. I never kept the clothes and I would always return them. However I would wear select garments under my clothes to school everyday. I loved every minute of it actually!  After doing this for several years I came up with a system on what clothes go where and where I could hide them in the house.  I actually used a old toy box with a pad lock on it to store the clothes. Though unfortunately my father and brother discovered my clothes one day and I ceased my operations. They still remember that...   But moving on later in my life, to high school.  I stopped wearing female clothes entirely by the 9th grade and I felt content that maybe.. I was indeed just confused. So the bulk of my high school career was mainly lived as a happy/smart/quite guy, At least on the outside it appeared that way... By the 10th grade I started to grow facial hair! This was the weirdest thing to ever happen before. I honestly could not stop touching it on my face! It drove me insane I couldn't stand having it there. I tried everything from shaving several times a day to pull it out with tweezers. But it always came back! This was the time that it really hit home that I was to live a man if I liked it or not. It wasn't until two years later that I slowly accepted the fact I have to have facial hair, though I still couldn't get over the fact I had it on my face or how I had to keep feeling it constantly... There were a few odd times when an entire class would stare at me as I blanked off while feeling my face in thought... very embarrassing... 

Well I've already typed a book in my opinion and I have much more to type. But I dont wish to bore anyone with my life experiences. So I will leave what I have posted above unedited and un-proof read. Oh and by the way. I've been out of high school for four years now. So there is still much to tell.  :laugh:

((First time posting here after ghosting the forums for awhile now, also first day in "mostly female mode" just around the house. *Kind of really excited about that*))

It seems like a lot of people knew by 3 or 4...I recently found out when I was that little I apparently tried to wear a dress and got told by my mom that boys don't wear dresses, to which I stubbornly replied "In some places they do!", but after being explained that where we lived boys got beat up for that, I guess that was the last time I really showed any major signs. The first time I can really remember feeling different was about 13 years old, i just became obsessed with the being physically female but never told anyone and rarely acted on it. (I did occasionally try clothes on when no one was home or if they were left in the bathroom hamper ...). Even then, knowing what I wanted, I didn't even think of myself as transgender until about a month ago. I'm not sure what it was...but it just didn't sink in. Things have gone great since I have though. But like some of the other people who didn't know until later in life, I thought not knowing from a young age meant I didn't fit the bill. I'm happy that I've finally started to explore this more openly now.

Quote from: sprouts on January 09, 2014, 08:35:08 PM
I don't remember a specific age, but I was very young.  I'm sure I was younger than 6.  I always wanted to hang out with girls, but as I had a sister close in age, I was often prevented from playing with 'her' friends.  I would often 'borrow' her clothes, I remember vividly this BodyGlove bathing suit, lol.  It was like having cookies without milk though.  Conservative parents don't generally want their perceived sons running around in two pieces acting like girls.  So, I usually ran around in two pieces under my clothes, and a thin shell of observed "dude-like" demeanor masking my obvious and inherent feminine mannerisms and desires.

I remember the heavy weight of dysphoria pressing on my back at puberty.  Up until that point, I just knew that my prayers would be answered.  I knew I would become a woman.  Though, I think my problem was that I prayed to too many gods.   ;)

puberty was a killer, I remember vividly an embroidered blouse of my sisters I couldn't stay away from.

The first time I dressed I was 13.Mum gave me a big bag of old clothes that she was throwing out,there were some of my sisters as well.I was supposed to take them to the Church jumble sale.I took a slightly smaller bag of old clothes to the jumble sale!

Quote from: Renegade Duck on January 10, 2014, 12:20:35 AM
((First time posting here after ghosting the forums for awhile now, also first day in "mostly female mode" just around the house. *Kind of really excited about that*))

It seems like a lot of people knew by 3 or 4...I recently found out when I was that little I apparently tried to wear a dress and got told by my mom that boys don't wear dresses, to which I stubbornly replied "In some places they do!", but after being explained that where we lived boys got beat up for that, I guess that was the last time I really showed any major signs. The first time I can really remember feeling different was about 13 years old, i just became obsessed with the being physically female but never told anyone and rarely acted on it. (I did occasionally try clothes on when no one was home or if they were left in the bathroom hamper ...). Even then, knowing what I wanted, I didn't even think of myself as transgender until about a month ago. I'm not sure what it was...but it just didn't sink in. Things have gone great since I have though. But like some of the other people who didn't know until later in life, I thought not knowing from a young age meant I didn't fit the bill. I'm happy that I've finally started to explore this more openly now.

I just started transition. I think I was just afraid to acknowledge I was actually transgender. This has been a continuous thing with me since 4. I knew I always wanted to be female in the worst way. The actual acknowledging of being transgender happened only last year. A therapist finally lead  me to accepting it.

6-7 however, as a very small child, all throughout, I kept away and was quite antisocial because of the uneasy feeling I felt within, now, after finality of deceit, my truth shines in an all encompassing love for connections. I simply love to socialize

Quote from: Renegade Duck on January 10, 2014, 12:20:35 AM
((First time posting here after ghosting the forums for awhile now, also first day in "mostly female mode" just around the house. *Kind of really excited about that*))

It seems like a lot of people knew by 3 or 4...I recently found out when I was that little I apparently tried to wear a dress and got told by my mom that boys don't wear dresses, to which I stubbornly replied "In some places they do!", but after being explained that where we lived boys got beat up for that, I guess that was the last time I really showed any major signs. The first time I can really remember feeling different was about 13 years old, i just became obsessed with the being physically female but never told anyone and rarely acted on it. (I did occasionally try clothes on when no one was home or if they were left in the bathroom hamper ...). Even then, knowing what I wanted, I didn't even think of myself as transgender until about a month ago. I'm not sure what it was...but it just didn't sink in. Things have gone great since I have though. But like some of the other people who didn't know until later in life, I thought not knowing from a young age meant I didn't fit the bill. I'm happy that I've finally started to explore this more openly now.

I've always wanted to be a woman ,but it wasn't until recently I admitted to my self the need to do HRT

Quote from: generous4 on January 07, 2014, 07:32:37 AM
Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part?  Or is there a disproportionate number of trans women in this thread who report the first transgender thoughts in terms of girl's or women's clothing?

Being as how, for me, it was body-centric, not clothes.

Just curious.

I appreciate and share your perspective that our first thoughts were body centric.  I was sure i was or would be a girl and then a mom who would breast feed her babies.  It was that "body centric" feminine shadow that followed me through life until now finally realized in transition.  Still, clothing related events are real and not invalidated by another perspective.  I love to now dress femininely but the biggest change remains between my ears. :D

as a child, this seems like the most obvious expression of gender in my opinion.  to me, it seems strange that a child would have a very strong dysphoric sense of their body.  dysphoria associated with newly learned gender norms seems like it would be more of a trigger, again just MHO

i looked exactly like my sister when i was younger.  we even had similar hairstyles, lol.  i was a girl in my mind so i expressed that in the most obvious way, or at least what must have seemed obvious to me as a ~6 year old.

that being said, this has just been my experience and for those of us who had these feelings earlier in life, i would think it's quite common.

<edited> -Juni

thats a very hard question for me to answer. for a few reasons.......
1.  i dont have many memories before the age of 12
2. well on 1 reason.....

however at the 5 or so i had a cabage patch doll i would dress and change its diaper. i guess that would have been my first clue. but at 12 i started thinking and fatisizing being taken from my family and returned a girl. but even that wasnt good enough for me to realise.last year at 31 i finialy realised that i am difforent. after years of hideing and strugeling to be the "man"

I found some old pics of me in the slides we have from Alaska when I was three wearing my older sister's boots and coat in the house. I know when I was 5, I bugged my grandmother until I was allowed to wear a nightgown to bed regularly. And dressed up from then until... 

I knew about trans women from watching talk shows with my grandmother in my teens. Even she said that I shouldn't have married the first time, that I should just finish college, get a good job and save enough money to do what I needed, but I didn't listen, I wanted to try and be normal like everyone else.  I also snuck birth control pills when I was a teen as well, but didn't take enough for a long enough time to do anything.

My Grandmother worked on a market stall part time and often bought girls books for my sister and me.I can still remember one of my favourite books she bought me,Tubby of Maryland Manor.Maybe Grandmothers can see something in kids that kids can't?

Jr. high would be when the thoughts became daily and after I graduated high school the thoughts just never stopped.

I was jealous of the girls around me and I wanted to be like them (still do.. only came out 3 days ago).
The earliest thing I can remember was sometime in elementary school, our neighbors had a pool and one of the guys had a lot of armpit hair.

I asked my Mother about it and she said I would have hair like that one day.... I ran into the house crying, it really bothered me.. I'm just now realizing how far back all this goes.
While it really set in during puberty (and I'm only accepting it at 22.. almost 23). I have started to recall things like this from my young childhood.

For me, I always "knew" that I was different. However, I never really quite understood why. Throughout the entirety of my childhood, I was always greatly perturbed when it came to gender. I remember that one of the things that I hated the most was being separated in class when I was little, yet, I didn't quite know why I hated it. I always felt like I didn't belong there, sitting with all of the other boys who I couldn't relate with in the least. However, I also didn't particularly feel as if I should've been with the girls, either, and it was like that for the rest of my childhood: a constant state of in-between.

Then, I got to middle school, and a whole host of things changed for me. I started dressing differently, acting differently, and over all, I changed the entirety of who I was. My first "best friends" when I got to middle school were girls, and I didn't even have any real male individuals for awhile. It doesn't hurt to mention that I lived and still live in a very tolerant household, with my biological single parent, who is also gay (long story). For a long time, instead of asking the question of why I thought and felt that way, I just did, and it never occurred to me, at least definitively, that I was in the wrong body. (Mostly my behavior during this time was classified as "gay" by prepubescent boys. I mostly just acted out of the norm, and was just a very strange and kid for my age.)

By the time I reached High School, I had finally recessed back into a very introverted state, mostly keeping only some of the friends that I managed to make. I did, however, find my girlfriend, who I've now been dating for nearly two years. During this time, I was introduced to internet culture, and was greatly changed by its influence on my life. I began to find more and more that I wasn't comfortable in my own body, and that I felt as if I should've been born as the other gender. This of course explained to me how I've always felt, and why I was the way I was.

In short, I didn't truly find out until mid-adolescence (around 13-14), when gender dysphoria came to my door with a battering ram.

Quote from: sprouts on January 09, 2014, 08:35:08 PM
I don't remember a specific age, but I was very young.  I'm sure I was younger than 6.  I always wanted to hang out with girls, but as I had a sister close in age, I was often prevented from playing with 'her' friends.  I would often 'borrow' her clothes, I remember vividly this BodyGlove bathing suit, lol.  It was like having cookies without milk though.  Conservative parents don't generally want their perceived sons running around in two pieces acting like girls.  So, I usually ran around in two pieces under my clothes, and a thin shell of observed "dude-like" demeanor masking my obvious and inherent feminine mannerisms and desires.

I remember the heavy weight of dysphoria pressing on my back at puberty.  Up until that point, I just knew that my prayers would be answered.  I knew I would become a woman.  Though, I think my problem was that I prayed to too many gods.   ;)

the dysphoria  at puberty seems to be a critical point in a lot of those who transition on Susan's

Puberty was hell,I turned from a shy timid kid into a monster.I saw my dream of living as a woman slip further away each day,hair sprouted where I didn't want it,my voice broke.I coped by drinking,cutting,skipping meals and not giving a rat's ass about anything or anyone even myself.My schoolwork went to hell,I dropped 20 places,got into a ton of fights.I didn't care if I lost,the pain of an ass kicking took the edge off. My Dad offered me £5 if I could manage a week without getting into a fight knowing he wouldn't have to pay(quite a sum in 1972).I've mentioned this before but 1 incident still stays with me,it was near  Easter 1972 and I was 14,one of the older boys at school rode past me and one of my few friends on a BSA motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back.My friend wished he was the boy on the BSA,I wished I was the girl with long blonde hair streaming behind,arms round his waist.There was one glimmer of hope in the following summer of 1973.
I'd got sacked from my summer job(there were so many jobs back then kids could easily get summer jobs) and was idling the day away when I saw there was an old Pathe news short film of life in the 1950s.I waited for the programme to come on and it was about a car race,a glamourous blonde lady was driving one of the cars,she was Roberta Cowell,formerly Robert Cowell a Spitfire pilot.At last I knew it was possible and could be done,there were others like me.

Quote from: big kim on January 11, 2014, 11:28:55 AM
Puberty was hell,I turned from a shy timid kid into a monster.I saw my dream of living as a woman slip further away each day,hair sprouted where I didn't want it,my voice broke.I coped by drinking,cutting,skipping meals and not giving a rat's ass about anything or anyone even myself.My schoolwork went to hell,I dropped 20 places,got into a ton of fights.I didn't care if I lost,the pain of an ass kicking took the edge off. My Dad offered me £5 if I could manage a week without getting into a fight knowing he wouldn't have to pay(quite a sum in 1972).I've mentioned this before but 1 incident still stays with me,it was near  Easter 1972 and I was 14,one of the older boys at school rode past me and one of my few friends on a BSA motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back.My friend wished he was the boy on the BSA,I wished I was the girl with long blonde hair streaming behind,arms round his waist.There was one glimmer of hope in the following summer of 1973.
I'd got sacked from my summer job(there were so many jobs back then kids could easily get summer jobs) and was idling the day away when I saw there was an old Pathe news short film of life in the 1950s.I waited for the programme to come on and it was about a car race,a glamourous blonde lady was driving one of the cars,she was Roberta Cowell,formerly Robert Cowell a Spitfire pilot.At last I knew it was possible and could be done,there were others like me.

I felt exactly the same about the Jorgensten story. That feeling of isolation and weirdness  of being the only one.

Of course puberty is where it really hits hard. Its the time when things really diverge, where its not about playing games with girls or not or about cute clothes or some genital discrepancy anymore, but the whole body mutates. Horrible :(

Quote from: anjaq on January 11, 2014, 06:18:15 PM
Of course puberty is where it really hits hard. Its the time when things really diverge, where its not about playing games with girls or not or about cute clothes or some genital discrepancy anymore, but the whole body mutates. Horrible :(

good description, mutates horrible

I totally am close to crying everytime I think of this. Back then it was in slow motion so it was really bad and horrible but it was in some way bearable as it was just some small mutation everyday. Looking back nowadays automatically makes me remember it in fast forward and it is like the freaking "incredible Hulk" or something. Good that at least I was not turning green ;)
But really - I described my whole ordeal with the body dysphoria to a friend of mine who is somehow trans as well (well transitioned and detransitioned) but mostly dealt with social dysphoria. He replied "then puberty must have been to you like every day saying 'oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t'" - that totally nailed it and I think I cried for half an hour after that. What a effing nightmare... puberty. The dysphoria before that? About not being able to play with the girls and being laughed at by the boys for liking ponys and wanting long hair and creating friendship albums like the other girls - nothing compared to puberty... Just father coming by and giving me an electric razor telling me I will need it soon and grinning - it was like in some evil sadistic movie. Like a threat. And he meant it of course as a positive thing. If only he had known.

When I was 4/6 I'd pretend to be a boy whenever I played with little kids I didn't know. Looking back I now realised why those are my happiest memories.

Quote from: anjaq on January 12, 2014, 08:09:14 AM
I totally am close to crying everytime I think of this. Back then it was in slow motion so it was really bad and horrible but it was in some way bearable as it was just some small mutation everyday. Looking back nowadays automatically makes me remember it in fast forward and it is like the freaking "incredible Hulk" or something. Good that at least I was not turning green ;)
But really - I described my whole ordeal with the body dysphoria to a friend of mine who is somehow trans as well (well transitioned and detransitioned) but mostly dealt with social dysphoria. He replied "then puberty must have been to you like every day saying 'oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t'" - that totally nailed it and I think I cried for half an hour after that. What a effing nightmare... puberty. The dysphoria before that? About not being able to play with the girls and being laughed at by the boys for liking ponys and wanting long hair and creating friendship albums like the other girls - nothing compared to puberty... Just father coming by and giving me an electric razor telling me I will need it soon and grinning - it was like in some evil sadistic movie. Like a threat. And he meant it of course as a positive thing. If only he had known.

puberty kind of ripped me apart physically. All my childhood from age 4 was consumed by finding ways to dress in my sisters clothes. When puberty hit It was like the hulk trying to get free any way possible. I remember watch a movie and seeing a pretty actress and my body went trough a physical hell wanting to look like her and dress like her . It wasn't a pleasant  experience. I had a very distorted view of my body. I could deal with that fact I had no breast development . I even mixed up a concoction and applied to my chest to make my breast grow. Puberty was hell with no relief.

Quote from: anjaq on January 12, 2014, 08:09:14 AM
I totally am close to crying everytime I think of this. Back then it was in slow motion so it was really bad and horrible but it was in some way bearable as it was just some small mutation everyday. Looking back nowadays automatically makes me remember it in fast forward and it is like the freaking "incredible Hulk" or something. Good that at least I was not turning green ;)
But really - I described my whole ordeal with the body dysphoria to a friend of mine who is somehow trans as well (well transitioned and detransitioned) but mostly dealt with social dysphoria. He replied "then puberty must have been to you like every day saying 'oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t'" - that totally nailed it and I think I cried for half an hour after that. What a effing nightmare... puberty. The dysphoria before that? About not being able to play with the girls and being laughed at by the boys for liking ponys and wanting long hair and creating friendship albums like the other girls - nothing compared to puberty... Just father coming by and giving me an electric razor telling me I will need it soon and grinning - it was like in some evil sadistic movie. Like a threat. And he meant it of course as a positive thing. If only he had known.

Its strange how we can remember those iconic moments in life where things were changing from what we knew to.. what nature wanted us to act as.

Quote from: Natallie553 on January 13, 2014, 10:37:57 AM
Its strange how we can remember those iconic moments in life where things were changing from what we knew to.. what nature wanted us to act as.

For me my dad was totally aware of my cross dressing problem . He was going by the rules of the game back in those times. It wasn't his fault, but he always try to build up that male side , which was normal for a father to do to a son , but it just made me more introverted than I was .

QuoteI remember watch a movie and seeing a pretty actress and my body went trough a physical hell wanting to look like her and dress like her . It wasn't a pleasant  experience. I had a very distorted view of my body.[...] Puberty was hell with no relief.

Yes - the constant watching other girls with the mix of longing and sadness .
I felt like this inside:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FiJZDLLI.jpg&hash=8eb6d07dd9f31f0dc12be1635ab8305e3ff12d54)

Quote from: Tessa James on January 10, 2014, 05:42:30 PM
I appreciate and share your perspective that our first thoughts were body centric.  I was sure i was or would be a girl and then a mom who would breast feed her babies.  It was that "body centric" feminine shadow that followed me through life until now finally realized in transition.  Still, clothing related events are real and not invalidated by another perspective.  I love to now dress femininely but the biggest change remains between my ears. :D

Yes, I agree.  Clothing is significant, and it has been for me, like trying on my mom's bra and all the way to wearing my bra for the first time at work.  But as for first things, it was my body, well before I had any notion of clothes.

Quote from: big head horsey-face on January 10, 2014, 09:21:12 PM
I knew about trans women from watching talk shows with my grandmother in my teens.

I might have transitioned a lot sooner if my grandmother or my mother had openly done this with me.  After reading this thread, and with a lot of thought, I am convinced that they both knew.

I also know that my grandmother, when she lived with us for about a year, went out and got a paperback copy of the Christine Jorgensen book, and left it around the living room.  I looked at it for about 2 seconds, then went to something else -- some boring book -- but my mom was in an uproar about it.  I heard her talking about it with my dad, "...bringing that Christine Jorgensen book into the house."

So they must have known about me.

Reading other people's posts reminded me of more of my childhood, like that my Dad, my grandmother, and a few other adults were clued in on what was happening to me even though there was no term for it in the 1950s. These few people tried to give me room to express myself and keep me away from my intolerant mother. I guess I was fortunate that my mother was the only one who was vehement about suppressing my feminine side (unsuccessfully).

Puberty was a watershed for me. I was so certain I WAS a girl that developing breasts was a great reassurance but it didn't fix the problem 'down below'. The mixed puberty is what drove me from being very passive to being a bit pushy about getting medical help - I just wanted to develop like the other girls. It was a hard slog and took years but I eventually made it (by the skin of my teeth!)

yea, that puberty was just terrible. I just didn't know if there was any one I could turn to. I was just to introverted to get help, which I needed. Having this thing rip you apart mentally and physically and not being able to tell any body, quite the bummer

Quote from: anjaq on January 15, 2014, 03:51:40 AM
Yes - the constant watching other girls with the mix of longing and sadness .
I felt like this inside:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FiJZDLLI.jpg&hash=8eb6d07dd9f31f0dc12be1635ab8305e3ff12d54)

I use to have dreams like this before accepting it was all right to be me.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 16, 2014, 12:21:06 PM
I use to have dreams like this before accepting it was all right to be me.

i definitely felt like mybody was betraying me like that in puberty. mutating to something i was not. i think i reversed some of the mutations :) - the rest I am trying to accept more and more...

Quote from: anjaq on January 16, 2014, 03:35:37 PM
i definitely felt like mybody was betraying me like that in puberty. mutating to something i was not. i think i reversed some of the mutations :) - the rest I am trying to accept more and more...

I's definitely been a interesting life dealing with this force. It's been one heck of a challenge. It definitely would of been better not to have gone through it . Puberty was so bizarre . I just keep feeling the pain of trying to grow breasts and the incredible falseness of stuffing my sisters bras ugh. I wish they would of been able to help me back then, but as my therapist says I can heal now.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 16, 2014, 06:25:20 PM
I's definitely been a interesting life dealing with this force. It's been one heck of a challenge. It definitely would of been better not to have gone through it . Puberty was so bizarre . I just keep feeling the pain of trying to grow breasts and the incredible falseness of stuffing my sisters bras ugh. I wish they would of been able to help me back then, but as my therapist says I can heal now.

sorry for this ranting. I've never been able to talk about this any one before much less on the internet. the puberty just made this problem with my body not being right explode. I was so isolated and a lone. Now I realize I wasn't alone. It affected my the rest of my life. I remember when I was 20 I bought a dress. I got home put it on and looked in the mirror. I got very upset because my body didn't look right. I didn't have the roundness and smoothness of a female body. I wore the dress once and gave it to my sister because I got so upset at my image in the mirror. My poor image lead me into anorexia . I had anorexia for three years and almost died. Some good teachers intervened and got me into therapy. I feel better though with HRT my breasts are real.

Ive known since I was five or six. My mom stored extra clothes in my room. I would take Christmas lights and put them inside the closet so I could have my own little room to dress up in. So...yeah...I was literately in the closet. :-)

Quote from: Collette on January 17, 2014, 07:04:55 PM
Ive known since I was five or six. My mom stored extra clothes in my room. I would take Christmas lights and put them inside the closet so I could have my own little room to dress up in. So...yeah...I was literately in the closet. :-)

that sounds pretty cool

My first memory was at 4 or 5.  I remember it like it was yesterday.   My family was watching Rogers & Hammerstein's musical, Cinderella.  Oh, how I longed to be Leslie Anne Warren!

Whenever I watched tv or movies, I always identified with the women.  For me, the men were stage props and supporting cast.

I'm not sure why, but the sense of shame and dysphoria didn't set in until puberty.  At that point, I think I started to become aware that I was blossoming - in the wrong direction!  And testosterone gave me feelings that grossed me out. 

Quote from: TinaMadisonWhite on January 17, 2014, 08:30:55 PM
My first memory was at 4 or 5.  I remember it like it was yesterday.   My family was watching Rogers & Hammerstein's musical, Cinderella.  Oh, how I longed to be Leslie Anne Warren!

Whenever I watched tv or movies, I always identified with the women.  For me, the men were stage props and supporting cast.

I'm not sure why, but the sense of shame and dysphoria didn't set in until puberty.  At that point, I think I started to become aware that I was blossoming - in the wrong direction!  And testosterone gave me feelings that grossed me out. My first memory as 4 . I use to dress in my sisters clothes when every one was sleeping or so I thought.

Quote from: Emo on December 28, 2013, 10:19:36 AM
@noleen
"im getting my vagina installed next month."
i love this line. made me lol.
i need a reason to say this out in public. :p

i hope i find a friend like yours.
youre so lucky to have found her so soon in transition.

this is a pretty profound saying for me the feeling of wanting a vagina installed hit me quite hard in high school and from then on. Other things happened in my life that caused me to be side tracked ,but it's that thought that's always been with me. Now  that I'm transitioning it seems that the estrogen is making it a lot easier to visualize . My life has been like trying to be that male, that I never was. There is nothing I can do accept move forward, but you get stuck some times wishing You'd got help long before . I sought out a lot of counseling in the past , But looking back I'm positive they didn't give me the option of seeing that vagina installed . I truly wish I did. MY dysphoria has been so crippling . I'm all right now, because it's being taken care of. It's so weird to cope with this particular situation. It's not something you can sit down with a person and start talking about  getting a vagina installed.

I really can identify with a lot of experiences you all have mentioned, but not all of them.

One of my earliest memories is praying to wake up as a girl, and wearing a t-shirt around my waist as a skirt at the age of 4.  And the bump in the front didn't make sense, so I used a rubber band to tuck it in.  :)  The cross dressing really kicked in when I was around 10 or so.  Whenever my mom would leave me at home alone, I was in her closet as soon as I knew her car had pulled off the street.  And the desire to "get my vagina installed" started around high school, and that never went away.

I never had the extreme body dysphoria or the depression that others have experienced.  And I've settled into the guy role fairly well.  So because of those two things, I never really thought I was trans.  And it wasn't until just a few months ago that I put everything together and finally realized that I definitely am.  Most people didn't cross-dress as kids and then spend their whole life wishing they had different genitalia.  So even without the suicidal thoughts and crippling depression, I am trans.

Quote from: katiej on January 20, 2014, 08:49:02 PM
I really can identify with a lot of experiences you all have mentioned, but not all of them.

One of my earliest memories is praying to wake up as a girl, and wearing a t-shirt around my waist as a skirt at the age of 4.  And the bump in the front didn't make sense, so I used a rubber band to tuck it in.  :)  The cross dressing really kicked in when I was around 10 or so.  Whenever my mom would leave me at home alone, I was in her closet as soon as I knew her car had pulled off the street.  And the desire to "get my vagina installed" started around high school, and that never went away.

I never had the extreme body dysphoria or the depression that others have experienced.  And I've settled into the guy role fairly well.  So because of those two things, I never really thought I was trans.  And it wasn't until just a few months ago that I put everything together and finally realized that I definitely am.  Most people didn't cross-dress as kids and then spend their whole life wishing they had different genitalia.  So even without the suicidal thoughts and crippling depression, I am trans.

It took me quite a long time to realize I was irrefutably trans. I've dealt with it since 4. I just never got the help I needed. I had other issue I dealt with in therapy , but the trans issue never came into the open. I wish it had .I am now dealing with at least so I am moving forward now.

I never thought I'd embrace being trans like I do now. I was in so much hiding  for so very long.

I've felt 'different' for a long time, never quite as confirmed in myself like others, it was only about a year and a half ago that I really realised that something was wrong, and only now, after joining here today and being referred to as female and as Hailey, do I feel fully confirmed that I am a woman, and not a man.

I found Susan's a great harbor in a turbulent sea of dysphoria

Quote from: speckyhailey on October 22, 2014, 08:13:14 PM
I've felt 'different' for a long time, never quite as confirmed in myself like others, it was only about a year and a half ago that I really realized that something was wrong, and only now, after joining here today and being referred to as female and as Hailey, do I feel fully confirmed that I am a woman, and not a man.

Welcome to the forums. ^_^


I know exactly how you feel. Growing up I never felt attached or binded to my man role.  I often watched other girls and thought how fortunate they were to be born into the right life as I sat there as an out cast. I truly wonder how much better my life would of been if I had been born correctly... Thinking about that still depresses me immensely.  :embarrassed:

about 5 years old

I can definitively remember knowing around 8 or 9... only because I can remember holding a knife to my chest and wanting to kill myself over it. I can also remember being envious of a girl friend in the 4th grade.

I'm sure I knew at an even earlier age, but most of my early childhood memories are just vague fragments. Like I can remember tucking my privates when taking a bath, or putting on my sister's swimsuit that had been left in the bathroom to dry. But I have no concept of how old I was when I started doing those things. Trying to even remember that far back is like grasping at faint wisps of cobwebs blowing in the wind.

This is a silly question anyway. It doesn't matter how old you were when you realized the truth. What matters is that you know now and that you are doing something about it.

Apparently pre-first memories: according to my parents I was trying to dress in my mother's clothes and wearing her makeup when I was 3. Typical stuff until I was 6 or 7, then I got the message and went stealth. Did a few overt girlie things when I was 9 but stopped when I heard mom and dad talking about sending me to military school to deal with my tendencies. Somewhere during the summer between 5th and 6th grades I guess puberty hit and when I came back to school I felt totally alienated and started experiencing that intense yearning/sadness. Prayed every night to wake up as a girl from age 9 to about 14. Decided I was an atheist at 15.  ;)

This is actually something I have been trying to figure out.  I can't remember vast chunks of my childhood mostly because that's how my memory works, and partly because I blocked some of it out.

I lived on the end of a relatively secluded road, where the only other kids were either way older than me or abusive/thuggish.  I was pulled out of public school halfway through 4th grade after a series of sociopathic teachers made it clear their priority was on playing power games with children rather than on education.  I remember having all of one friend - a boy in my neighborhood.  And I messed that up by having absolutely zero social skills.

So, from age 10ish I was homeschooled and alone.  My social role models after that were my parents, and TV.  Before that age I have very very few memories related to gender, all inconclusive... I remember being very angry when my parents made me cut my long hair for school photos, I remember sitting on my junk to make it go away, I remember riding in a car and thinking I smelled "like a girl" and being happy about it.  That's about it.  I did not attach any significance to those early memories, I didn't think anything was wrong - I was just a kid, and I was happy.

After I got pulled out of school and puberty simultaneously started raising its ugly head in earnest... I had no real frame of reference for what was wrong other than TV and the internet.  So my dysphoria expressed itself as ANGER and FRUSTRATION... which turned into a pointless grudge I harbored against my parents, which prevented me from telling them.  A fact which I will always regret because they would've helped me.

My parents wanted me to go to public high school for the experience... but I absolutely refused to allow them to register me as a boy - and I wouldn't give them that as a reason, so I just flew into a rage.  So I got a correspondence school for high school.  I remember being so sad when they signed me up for that, because it was still as a boy...

So, I would have to say somewhere between 10 and 12 I figured out something was wrong, and between 12 and 14 I figured out WHAT it was.

Sorry for the vent session, it takes a lot of effort to remember this stuff in order, helps to write it out.  :)

Now I want to go hug my mom, because I know she blames herself now for not "being there for me", and it wasn't her fault... she can't read minds.

I was 5 and my mum was making my sister a bridesmaid dress for an aunties wedding I was so jealous because I wanted one as well I knew it was wrong but I just wanted to wear a dress and look pretty I got the horrid trousers and shirt I didn't feel comfortable in them I remember that feeling as if it were yesterday

 i had somes feelings that girls were lucky to be girls , or dreams where i was one ant it was so nice , but it wasnt wrong it was the unfairness of life for me that somes are lucky somes less regarding wich body i m given , its only at 19 i realized others didnt feel at much that it could be unfair the body they are given that they even enjoy it , and even identify with it ,  thats where i felt that thinking girls are lucky to be born with that body was maybe something to investigate and that life could be a bit more fair even if it would never be completly .

Earlier in this thread someone remarked that a lot of people seemed to have at least some idea that they were different at the age of 3 or 4.  I can confirm this, having done a count of the answers in this thread that can be quantified.  Of 79 responses, 33 of them fall into the 3-4 age bracket.  Another 19 in the 5-6 age bracket.  Then a bit of a peak in the 10-12 age bracket: 16 people there.  This "late childhood/puberty peak" would make sense to me because it matches my experience.

I put on a dress for the first time when I was about 4.  It was made quite plain to me that that sort of thing wouldn't be permitted.  I can remember another incident when I was about 8 when a neighbour girl invited me to put on one of her dresses, and even though I very much wanted to, I declined because I knew it was wrong.  It would have been when I was about 11 or 12 that I got seriously into cross-dressing.  In other words, the way I interpret my experience, I would have known long before I did if I hadn't been so thoroughly repressed by a conservative, religious upbringing.

What I take away from this thread is this: a complete refutation of the notion that ->-bleeped-<- is caused by some sort of trauma or poor parental upbringing, that sort of thing, as is so often alleged by our enemies.  If you're trans, you're trans, and you become aware of that, whether more quickly or more gradually, depending on your experience, from a very early age.  There's no traumatic event that "corrupts or perverts" you.  You just are what you are, and you gain more and more awareness of that fact at your own pace.

Peace and love to all of you,
Foxglove

This is kind of hard to answer. For the longest time I didn't know anything. I thought I was messed up (I still do, lol). I thought I just couldn't relate to people, that there was something fundamentally screwed up in my mental wiring. I had no clue why. No idea where it came from. For most of the time in my early adolescence I felt like an alien. Like I'd just arrived on earth and felt like "what the hell is this?" I didn't feel any sort of association with anyone, didn't want to be anything. I just felt like a square peg in a round hole. I felt very much separated from myself (and still do a lot of the time). Like an observer, watching someone being treated a certain way and thinking "That's not me!". But having no frame of reference to go beyond that.

My childhood was screwed up in a lot of ways. And so was I. It's all a giant, dark, cloudy mess at times.

I think the earliest I knew who I was, and could put actual words to this feeling, was sometime in my 20's. When I was sufficiently free of all the emotional turmoil and hormonal confusion to be able to think somewhat clearly.

I believe my first memories were around 7-8. I remember I was in trouble for something and hiding under my parents bed. I found some lingerie and tried putting it on hoping it would transform me to a girl. I actually never figured out how to put it on, but I went stealth pretty much from then on. I hated getting in trouble, so I worked incredibly hard to hide my activities. My mom did find me with some of her clothes hiding under the bed, but in a way, I think they tried avoiding bringing up the subject than yelling at me.

Like so many others, I would wish, pray, hope for a genie just so I could be a girl. The worst times were when I started getting pubic hair. Then hair everywhere, and I mean everywhere else! the other worse part was watching all the other girls grow through puberty and for me to realize I wouldn't. It only took until this year (2014) to actually recognize all this as gender dysphoria, that I am not crazy and get treatment.

I was thrilled to death to start hormones and almost immediately felt an emotional difference. It was incredibly awesome! I even did a bit of an experiment and stopped taking HRT for a few days to see if it really made that much of a difference. It did! Anyway, 2-3 months into the process and I am now experiencing breast development and starting to notice softer skin and fat redistribution. I feel amazing, but at the same time nervous about all the changes.....

Quote from: MadeleineG on December 14, 2013, 03:33:59 PM
I can remember praying to Santa as a three or four year old to wake up a girl and for him to bring me a girls' wardrobe of clothing for Christmas.

Ditto (=

Quote from: Sephirah on October 23, 2014, 02:27:20 PM
This is kind of hard to answer. For the longest time I didn't know anything. I thought I was messed up (I still do, lol). I thought I just couldn't relate to people, that there was something fundamentally screwed up in my mental wiring. I had no clue why. No idea where it came from. For most of the time in my early adolescence I felt like an alien. Like I'd just arrived on earth and felt like "what the hell is this?" I didn't feel any sort of association with anyone, didn't want to be anything. I just felt like a square peg in a round hole. I felt very much separated from myself (and still do a lot of the time). Like an observer, watching someone being treated a certain way and thinking "That's not me!". But having no frame of reference to go beyond that.

My childhood was screwed up in a lot of ways. And so was I. It's all a giant, dark, cloudy mess at times.

I think the earliest I knew who I was, and could put actual words to this feeling, was sometime in my 20's. When I was sufficiently free of all the emotional turmoil and hormonal confusion to be able to think somewhat clearly.

this is pretty much me too.

I have read this entire topic thread today and finished just now. 

And i bumped into Zinnia's post: "That was dysphoria?" 8 signs and symptoms of indirect gender dysphoria
http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/
It was like reading a near-carbon-copy of my life.  Truly a soundtrack of what I endured.

With the help of all you who responded to this topic thread, I was finally able to answer one of my deeper questions of my past that has eluded me until this evening: "why did around 8th grade seem to start 'the pits' of my life?"

That's when the isolation started and I really gained more weight, even moreso from the age 7 through to that point in life. Was it that we moved a few blocks down to a bigger house?...change?  Was it that I lost a friend (who was a bit older than me) to a new friend group in high school?  After all, when I was 13, I stopped playing all sports that I did in grade school.  I always blamed it on those two factors. It's like life went flat emotionally even though I had my passionate hobbies, namely music.

The other question I have had was "did my depression start when I was 4 when I first started wearing mom's clothes or sometime later?  It seems odd that a 4yo would be depressed."

The answer: the onset of puberty.  It wasn't losing a friend or moving down the road, those are contributing factors, but it was that da** puberty when my dysphoria really kicked in. 

I knew I was different when I was about 4 years old, I raided mom's closet, makeup drawer and Jean Naté fragrances ad nauseum in those early days.  But it was always stealth.  Always.  God I loved that light-rose lipstick from Avon!!

But when the onset of puberty kicked-in is when the dysphoria and depression reared their extremely ugly heads.  Now I know what caused that 'flatness' when I was about 12 or 13.

I CAN'T THANK YOU GALS ENOUGH FOR OPENING MY EYES!

33 years of depression was removed my person last month starting HRT.  I'm not looking back. 

First memory of being different was when I was nine.  I went to a friend's house to play.
On arriving, my Mom began talking to his mother about how his mother was feeling, "any
morning sickness", "no over it now".  Then I began to notice his mothers tummy and looser
clothes-then I realized-she was going to have a baby.  All that day I kept sneaking peeks
at her-full of envy and wonder.  Why couldn't I be like her?  She dressed up and took us
out shopping with her that afternoon.  I knew what I wanted to be, but could not be.  Ever since
I've still been dreaming and wishing.  But changing is something I can do.

The earliest time I remember I was 11. It was when I had my first boyfriend I tried my sisters clothes and I would meet my boyfriend wearing them. My parents found out about us and me, and I was packed off to boarding school. And then forced to join the army so I could be a man. Life was tough for me back in my teens.