Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's been over eight months since my tg preop girlfriend broke up with me.  Each day that goes by brings a little better perspective and closure to the hurt and heartbreak that I've been experiencing.

She left me for another tg preop who I didn't feel any threat from as I thought they were friends.  I actually supported her new 'friendship' as she had been battling alot of depression and low self esteem during the course of her transitioning.

I supported her through alot of tough times including talking her out of suicide.  I was also with her during her Facial Fem Surgery as well as breast augmentation.  In both events, I helped her recuperate and encourage her when she felt that she still didn't look as feminine as she would have hoped.

Personally, I was dealing in the late stages of our relationship with the passing of my father.  Like anyone who is close to their parents, I had a grieving period that lasted through the 2013 Xmas holiday season.  Even though my gf knew that and tried to support me through this, she most likely felt that I was emotionally detached from her.  In turn, I'm sure that made her feel isolated and abandoned.

This feeling of abandonment or void was filled by this new friend she met at the local cd/tg support group.  I'm sure she showed her much attention and wouldn't doubt in addition to having the common goal of transitioning from male to female, they also shared some common interests.

My ex-gf was adamant that she was attracted to men even though she would entertain the possibility of having a fling with another woman or preop-tg.  In short, she was bi-sexual and I had no issue with it.

When she told me she was leaving, she told me it was not my fault.  She appreciated the love and support that I gave her during the ealry stages of her transitioning.  She told me that she felt comfortable with me, but not fulfilled.

After these eight-months, I feel that I have lost the love of my life.  I never thought this would happen, but I'm also not naive to think that anything could happen in life.  Her birthday is 12/28 and I've already sent her a positive birthday message stating the following:  When someone goes through what you've gone through, it's cause for celebration.  People who know where your journey started (me) are happy to see how far you've come, how strong and determined you still are.

Is it common for tg's (preop or postop) to migrate over to a lesbian relationship even though they professed through forums such as this convincing themselves and their boyfriend that they are committed to a 'hetero' relationship?

I'm sorry that this happened to you and your ex, and wish you the best.  It sounds like you had a difficult year.  I lost my father too, this year. :(

Thanks Stacy.  My condolences on the death of your dad.  It has been a very difficult year, but I hope 2014 is a good one?  For that matter all the remaining years are filled with happiness.

I'm sorry this happened to you and hope you will feel better in time.

As for your question, I don't think transwomen are any more likely than any other female to have a change of heart.  Things happen and people change, as do preferences at times.  I would argue those people were always gay or bi without never realizing it, but there is at least a perceived change in orientation when someone switches their gender preference.  This isn't uncommon in both the trans or cis community and I've seen it happen before in my life.  Having said that, there is a large portion of the trans community that is gay or bi, so it's possible that it could be more prevalent in our community.  I don't know.  What I do know is there are plenty of transwomen that are straight and have no interest in a romantic relationship with a women.

In any event, don't blame yourself because things happen sometimes that are beyond our control.  I'm sure you'll meet the right person who will appreciate you for who you are. 

Quote from: karahayes on December 21, 2013, 05:17:45 PM
My ex-gf was adamant that she was attracted to men even though she would entertain the possibility of having a fling with another woman or preop-tg.  In short, she was bi-sexual and I had no issue with it.

I sympathize, break-ups are always rough, but why bother trying to figure out her sexuality when you already knew she could go for women as well? I think you're trying to place blame somewhere, finding some root cause in her being a transsexual. But perhaps her thoughts or feelings just changed? It happens...

I don't think it any more uncommon of trans than cisgenders to feel for someone ells of another gender.
-
I do belive its common transgender get special connections to other transgenders specially if there on of there first transpeople they ever seen and can share experience with.
I seen and experience that mulityply of times it may not nessesarry be a romantic connection, but very close like famely or good friends.
-
Breaks up are hard no matter what but it will turn better after awhile.

I imagine she is quite sexually confused, with all the hormone changes and social interaction. Also, Losing a parent is probably the hardest loss to deal with, next to losing a child. I have experienced this, with the loss of my mom. She and my sister are the only ppl who really get me. Then boom, not a week after i graduate high school, mom gets cancer... 6 months later she leaves this world. Im sorry that life has dealt you a crappy hand in 2013, but the chips are still on the table. You gotta get back on that horse and ride my friend. Hakkuna matatta
It means no worries. (I love the Lion King!) You got to look forward to your future instead of dwelling on the past. No sense stressing over what we cannot change.

Hugs xxx

You can only control how you feel and be the best person you can be. You have been through a lot. Non of what you have said is your fault xxx

I thank everyone for their posts thus far.  Life is all about timing, isn't it?  I can not help but feel that if I wasn't dealing with the pending death of my father and she wasn't dealing with the depression in the early stages of transitioning, we'd still be together and looking forward to this holiday season.

I have had no contact with her in over 4-months outside of the birthday card that I sent her.  I believe we both went through alot together not to be able to salvage a friendship, albeit casual.

I'm actually hoping for a Christmas miracle...

Quote from: karahayes on December 22, 2013, 06:39:12 AM
I thank everyone for their posts thus far.  Life is all about timing, isn't it?  I can not help but feel that if I wasn't dealing with the pending death of my father and she wasn't dealing with the depression in the early stages of transitioning, we'd still be together and looking forward to this holiday season.

I have had no contact with her in over 4-months outside of the birthday card that I sent her.  I believe we both went through alot together not to be able to salvage a friendship, albeit casual.

I'm actually hoping for a Christmas miracle...

Sometimes people just grow apart. Especially with such a big change like transitioning xxx

Silent Architect..  what is  your email address or is there anyway to stay in  touch?  You offer much in the way of a fresh perspective on my former relationship.  By the way, my family name-sake is rooted in Devonshire.  We have a castle there with the family name on it. ;) 

Good luck with your journey...

Quote from: karahayes on December 22, 2013, 06:57:26 AM
Silent Architect..  what is  your email address or is there anyway to stay in  touch?  You offer much in the way of a fresh perspective on my former relationship.  By the way, my family name-sake is rooted in Devonshire.  We have a castle there with the family name on it. ;) 

Good luck with your journey...

I just PM you hun ;0)

Castle?? I wish I had a Castle with my name on lol xxx

Thanks Silent Architect..  I noted your contact information...  What I've noted of your journey in the short time that I've known you (less than an hr) ;)   you have had your own battles to contend with, but nothing that won't make you stronger.. 

xxx

Quote from: karahayes on December 22, 2013, 07:36:22 AM
Thanks Silent Architect..  I noted your contact information...  What I've noted of your journey in the short time that I've known you (less than an hr) ;)   you have had your own battles to contend with, but nothing that won't make you stronger.. 

xxx

I guess we all do hun. We either turn them into a positive and develop stronger each time, or we stick our head in the sand and allow people to control our emotions. I prefer the first option xxx

OP,

If I may, I would suggest only reaching out to your ex for friendship once you have made peace with the breakup.  Forgive me if my interpretation is false, but your post shows a sense of regret and longing for the relationship you once had.  That's totally understandable and there is nothing to feel bad about.  And it's also understandable that you would want to maintain a relationship in some form with someone you spent a great deal of time with; although this brings up a potential problem.  If you still haven't fully made closure with your breakup, starting a friendship may expose you to some emotional pain.  Once you have closure and you feel ready to pursue a friendship with her, by all means do so.  However, only do that once you have made peace with everything.  If you feel you already have done so, then disregard my advice.  I've just seen many people rush into friendships with an ex only to have their heart broken because of emotional baggage. 

Learning to Live.. advice well taken.  I am currently seeing a therapist and have done so since the breakup (8 mos).  I had a rather revealing session yesterday talking about the effect that my ex-gf has had upon me.  We weighed the options moving forward.  I showed her the birthday card that I sent my ex-gf this past week.  She felt it to be a very positive message and one that would hopefully lead to better communication between myself and the ex.  Obviously, it is all up to my ex, but I feel that I would be very open to it and even to a point of embracing her new relationship.

Quote from: karahayes on December 22, 2013, 08:08:48 AM
Learning to Live.. advice well taken.  I am currently seeing a therapist and have done so since the breakup (8 mos).  I had a rather revealing session yesterday talking about the effect that my ex-gf has had upon me.  We weighed the options moving forward.  I showed her the birthday card that I sent my ex-gf this past week.  She felt it to be a very positive message and one that would hopefully lead to better communication between myself and the ex.  Obviously, it is all up to my ex, but I feel that I would be very open to it and even to a point of embracing her new relationship.

You've seem to have thought it through and feel comfortable which is a positive thing.  As long as you are aware of your feelings and properly address them as they come, you should be fine.  I just see people attempt a friendship when there is still baggage and know that can be a painful experience.  If that baggage is dealt with and no one is emotionally at risk, I see no reason why exes can't remain friends.  Good luck, and I hope it works for you! :)

Yeah, I'm still not over my ex but we're best friends. It can be really hard sometimes, especially when she's with someone else. We talk about it though, so that helps, but it's still rough at times. Before she came along, I never stayed friends with any ex's, because I just couldn't handle it emotionally. Now I really see why, but I'm a bit more mature now and regardless, I love her and want her in my life however which way I can get her.

So just know what your intentions and expectations are, try to keep things open and honest, and don't push for anything... I don't see why you can't salvage a friendship but be careful if you have any intentions of getting back together with her. It's dangerous territory to tread.

Ashley, I would like to reach a level of friendship that you have with your ex.  Matter of fact, she told me a couple of months after our relationship ended that she 'believed we could be friends, but she knew I needed time and she had to think about another person now.'  Well, she ended hanging up on me in August after she accused me of going over to her home hiding her grill of all things.  I have since sent her a Dec. birthday card.  No expectations from it, but hopefully something can be salvaged in time.

Quote from: karahayes on December 21, 2013, 05:17:45 PM
It's been over eight months since my tg preop girlfriend broke up with me. 

how is your ex's op status relevant?

Oriah,

For me it places a 'marker' on where she is in her transitioning.  She began HRT nearly 3yrs ago and will, to my knowledge, have SRS next July.  I believe pre-op vs. post-op status has everything to do in her case with how she handled or participated in our relationship.  From my perspective, I wish we had started dating in the late stages of transitioning (where she is at this point).  In the early stages, she fought depression and low self-esteem.  I played more of a nurturer than an equal-partner.  It was not fair to either one of us.

I'm not sure if I really answered your question, but it may help others who have read my initial post to relate to my situation.

Quote from: karahayes on December 22, 2013, 12:52:36 PM
I believe pre-op vs. post-op status has everything to do in her case with how she handled or participated in our relationship.  From my perspective, I wish we had started dating in the late stages of transitioning (where she is at this point).  In the early stages, she fought depression and low self-esteem.  I played more of a nurturer than an equal-partner.  It was not fair to either one of us.

That seems rather insensitive... but I think I'm just going to try biting my tongue on this one. >_>