Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Azahara on December 21, 2013, 10:39:13 PM Return to Full Version
Title: hello everyone!
Post by: Azahara on December 21, 2013, 10:39:13 PM
Post by: Azahara on December 21, 2013, 10:39:13 PM
So it's been so long that I've written anything that the very act feels a bit strange. But here I am, almost Christmas of 2013, and once again I've found myself and accepted my transsexual nature. And I've never felt better in my entire life...it's like everything just fits completely, all of these moments throughout my childhood, my adolescence, my college years, my depressions...a lifetime of confusion an nearly non-existent self-esteem always wondering, always wishing to belong to the other side of humanity physically in the way I was mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
I suppose the first time I came in high school, probably my sophomore year. I remember locking myself in the bathroom, curling up on the floor, and breaking down, crying and crying after whispering « I'm transsexual »...it had come after putting together many things throughout my childhood, including I suppose the most obvious of wishing with all my heart that I was girl when I was a child in elementary school, and realizing that that desire had never faded, but that it had gone into the earth, buried beneath internalized homophobia and tremendous pain and sadness. That day I cried and let out all that pent up emotion...but I was terrified and ashamed, so again things went underground emotionally.
Later in college I tried my hardest to be a gay man but I just never could connect with the gay guys on campus, and I always found myself so strongly attracted and complimented by straight men, especially my best friend. The idea of transsexuality came up a few times, be it on TV or online or through my university's LGBT student organization...and I questioned if it was purely sexual this fantasy of being a woman, and again I was so deeply ashamed. Again these feelings flared up probably my sophomore year, but they subsided as I pushed them down, dismissing them as a sexual fetish.
But then during my junior year abroad, something happened. I really researched transsexuality online and asked myself some hard questions and came to the conclusion that YES, I'M A WOMAN and I was so happy, so relieved, trembling from joy staring out into the night sky in Buenos Aires. I told my aunt over the phone, and she was incredibly supportive. Then I spoke about it with my family when I returned to the states and well...they cried and were so upset that it shocked me into backing off, saying that I was just transgender, perhaps gender fluid, and again that part of my was put to sleep.
But then during the winter of my senior year I started having these intense, incredible dreams of having a feminine body, genitals, and feeling so right and true and happy. But my family's reaction and my certainty that I would never be who I wanted to be, who I was inside....well, all of this built up inside and culminated in a tremendous depression which in itself led to a suicide attempt. But just after this, in the aftermath of what I had done to myself, I realized that in a very real way an old self had been killed and a new one was free to emerge from the ashes. So the next few months I tried out make-up, clothes, hair styles, told all my friends and family that I wanted to be called Brie, that I was transsexual, and I was exhilarated...it felt so right....
But then I realized that my friends, from the shock of the suicide attempt and my coming out and my intense depressions, didn't really accept me, in fact some stopped speaking with me and found themselves embarrassed to be around me. And everything fell apart emotionally. I had to withdraw due to mental health medical reasons, mostly extreme depression.
So I spent the next several months in depression, so sad to have lost those ties, but then I moved to a large city thanks to a lovely aunt, where I started seeing a gender therapist and was able to start hormone therapy and began to dress fully as a woman. I started being called miss on the street, men were checking me out, even cat calling...and this was only with make-up and heels and women's clothes (my hair was already long and cut in a feminine style by that point)....but then I would speak and would be seen as male and it killed me inside...more depression came, and to make things absolutely horrible I ended up having a bipolar manic episode with full on psychosis...I ended up spending almost a month in a mental hospital, about 3 weeks of which I have no memory of....this trauma destroyed me. I had to return to my hometown to live with my family in a small, conservative, rural area, and I was heavily medicated to prevent further manic symptoms which left my tired, hungry all the time, and extremely depressed....for the first 8 months of this year (2013) I hardly left my bed or room, let alone my house....gained 40 pounds, hated myself, couldn't even take care of myself or clean myself at times due to the absolute depression....and every time someone would call me "Brie" (the name I had chosen) it was like daggers into my heart because I couldn't BE Brie....I had been forced to stop hormonal therapy after only one month due to the psychosis and new medicinal regimen...postponed indefinitely until I was more stable emotionally.....
But then through many medication adjustments, I found a correct combination. Since about 3 months ago I've been feeling great, content, stable mood-wise. Staying awake all day, walking our new dog, learning a new language, doing things that I loved....but again this spirit inside me would show up in my dreams, where I'm a woman and I see myself in the mirror and it's so wonderful and I feel beautiful and right and content...and then I awaken and my heart sinks. All of this came to a head a few days ago with a new therapist when I went through my history with gender identity with him and I realized that I had backed off and thrown in the towel due to others wishes and well not really my own volition but due to medical circumstances....I realized that I am Brianna, not Bryan....that I was never a guy, and that the soul of a beautiful, passionate, intelligent woman lies within these bones. I want her to shine and for the world to see me for who I really am. I'm transsexual, and I will be who I will be.
Now it's just a question of working and saving money for hair removal, SRS, hormonal therapy, new clothes, etc....I'm grateful that after all the emotional turmoil my whole family including extended family have told me that they support my unconditionally, and that they love me as a guy or a girl....so I'm happy for that.
It's helped quite a lot to write this down. Thanks for reading. I hope to start posting here and learning from others and maybe even inspire others to move forward and transition if it's who they are inside, if they feel it deep down and know like I and so many others do.
I suppose the first time I came in high school, probably my sophomore year. I remember locking myself in the bathroom, curling up on the floor, and breaking down, crying and crying after whispering « I'm transsexual »...it had come after putting together many things throughout my childhood, including I suppose the most obvious of wishing with all my heart that I was girl when I was a child in elementary school, and realizing that that desire had never faded, but that it had gone into the earth, buried beneath internalized homophobia and tremendous pain and sadness. That day I cried and let out all that pent up emotion...but I was terrified and ashamed, so again things went underground emotionally.
Later in college I tried my hardest to be a gay man but I just never could connect with the gay guys on campus, and I always found myself so strongly attracted and complimented by straight men, especially my best friend. The idea of transsexuality came up a few times, be it on TV or online or through my university's LGBT student organization...and I questioned if it was purely sexual this fantasy of being a woman, and again I was so deeply ashamed. Again these feelings flared up probably my sophomore year, but they subsided as I pushed them down, dismissing them as a sexual fetish.
But then during my junior year abroad, something happened. I really researched transsexuality online and asked myself some hard questions and came to the conclusion that YES, I'M A WOMAN and I was so happy, so relieved, trembling from joy staring out into the night sky in Buenos Aires. I told my aunt over the phone, and she was incredibly supportive. Then I spoke about it with my family when I returned to the states and well...they cried and were so upset that it shocked me into backing off, saying that I was just transgender, perhaps gender fluid, and again that part of my was put to sleep.
But then during the winter of my senior year I started having these intense, incredible dreams of having a feminine body, genitals, and feeling so right and true and happy. But my family's reaction and my certainty that I would never be who I wanted to be, who I was inside....well, all of this built up inside and culminated in a tremendous depression which in itself led to a suicide attempt. But just after this, in the aftermath of what I had done to myself, I realized that in a very real way an old self had been killed and a new one was free to emerge from the ashes. So the next few months I tried out make-up, clothes, hair styles, told all my friends and family that I wanted to be called Brie, that I was transsexual, and I was exhilarated...it felt so right....
But then I realized that my friends, from the shock of the suicide attempt and my coming out and my intense depressions, didn't really accept me, in fact some stopped speaking with me and found themselves embarrassed to be around me. And everything fell apart emotionally. I had to withdraw due to mental health medical reasons, mostly extreme depression.
So I spent the next several months in depression, so sad to have lost those ties, but then I moved to a large city thanks to a lovely aunt, where I started seeing a gender therapist and was able to start hormone therapy and began to dress fully as a woman. I started being called miss on the street, men were checking me out, even cat calling...and this was only with make-up and heels and women's clothes (my hair was already long and cut in a feminine style by that point)....but then I would speak and would be seen as male and it killed me inside...more depression came, and to make things absolutely horrible I ended up having a bipolar manic episode with full on psychosis...I ended up spending almost a month in a mental hospital, about 3 weeks of which I have no memory of....this trauma destroyed me. I had to return to my hometown to live with my family in a small, conservative, rural area, and I was heavily medicated to prevent further manic symptoms which left my tired, hungry all the time, and extremely depressed....for the first 8 months of this year (2013) I hardly left my bed or room, let alone my house....gained 40 pounds, hated myself, couldn't even take care of myself or clean myself at times due to the absolute depression....and every time someone would call me "Brie" (the name I had chosen) it was like daggers into my heart because I couldn't BE Brie....I had been forced to stop hormonal therapy after only one month due to the psychosis and new medicinal regimen...postponed indefinitely until I was more stable emotionally.....
But then through many medication adjustments, I found a correct combination. Since about 3 months ago I've been feeling great, content, stable mood-wise. Staying awake all day, walking our new dog, learning a new language, doing things that I loved....but again this spirit inside me would show up in my dreams, where I'm a woman and I see myself in the mirror and it's so wonderful and I feel beautiful and right and content...and then I awaken and my heart sinks. All of this came to a head a few days ago with a new therapist when I went through my history with gender identity with him and I realized that I had backed off and thrown in the towel due to others wishes and well not really my own volition but due to medical circumstances....I realized that I am Brianna, not Bryan....that I was never a guy, and that the soul of a beautiful, passionate, intelligent woman lies within these bones. I want her to shine and for the world to see me for who I really am. I'm transsexual, and I will be who I will be.
Now it's just a question of working and saving money for hair removal, SRS, hormonal therapy, new clothes, etc....I'm grateful that after all the emotional turmoil my whole family including extended family have told me that they support my unconditionally, and that they love me as a guy or a girl....so I'm happy for that.
It's helped quite a lot to write this down. Thanks for reading. I hope to start posting here and learning from others and maybe even inspire others to move forward and transition if it's who they are inside, if they feel it deep down and know like I and so many others do.
Title: Re: hello everyone!
Post by: Lauren5 on December 21, 2013, 10:45:02 PM
Post by: Lauren5 on December 21, 2013, 10:45:02 PM
Sounds like you've had your share of ups and downs, unfortunately mostly downs, but it's good that you're feeling better now.
Thank you for posting your story, Azahara, and allow me to be the first to welcome you to Susan's. This place has been a great help to me when I'm stuck down in that rut and can't seem to get out. I hope it'll prove to be the same for you, too.
Thank you for posting your story, Azahara, and allow me to be the first to welcome you to Susan's. This place has been a great help to me when I'm stuck down in that rut and can't seem to get out. I hope it'll prove to be the same for you, too.
Title: Re: hello everyone!
Post by: LordKAT on December 22, 2013, 12:49:54 AM
Post by: LordKAT on December 22, 2013, 12:49:54 AM
Welcome to Susan's. As you can see, you will meet many friendly people here to help you through the stuff ahead.
OH, and this is a KAT in a Willow tree.
OH, and this is a KAT in a Willow tree.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic1.wikia.nocookie.net%2F__cb20120627010428%2Fwarriorcatsrpg%2Fimages%2Ff%2Ff0%2FCat_in_a_Willow_tree.jpg&hash=4f0d2e18f40c86947a79d7f856ab5338a12a5141)
Title: Re: hello everyone!
Post by: Cindy on December 22, 2013, 03:10:06 AM
Post by: Cindy on December 22, 2013, 03:10:06 AM
Hi
and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
Hugs
Cindy
and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
Hugs
Cindy
Title: Re: hello everyone!
Post by: Devlyn on December 22, 2013, 10:38:52 AM
Post by: Devlyn on December 22, 2013, 10:38:52 AM
Hi Brie, welcome to Susan's Place! You really poured it out, thank you for trusting us. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: hello everyone!
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on December 22, 2013, 11:46:59 AM
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on December 22, 2013, 11:46:59 AM
Hi Azahara, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 9004 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet )O(
Welcome to our little family. Over 9004 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet )O(