Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone,

How have you dealt with your parents refusing to call you by your preferred name?  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they've helped me out when I was unemployed recently and allowed me to come over to their house for the first time this year for thanksgiving and christmas after transitioning but they keep calling me by my old name and I can't stand it! I've been living full time as a woman for 14 months and been on hormones for 14 months yet they won't use my preferred pronouns and name. They don't even want me to tell my cousins or aunts and uncles or any other family member that I'm trans. At least my friends, my sister and coworkers use my preferred name but it really hurts that my parents won't call me Ida. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it?

First, your picture is ADORABLE so I don't see how they could NOT use your name. Second, some will never accept it. That is the harsh reality. My parents do not talk to me at all now, so I suppose you are fortunate to have some kind of relationship with them. Give them some more time and hopefully some day they will see what we do that you really are Cute Ida.  :)

I'm sorry. It might take a long time. Like Jessica said, you're still talking to them, give it more time.

14 months full time, and they're still not onboard?
Hmm, sounds hinky to me. Doesn't give them an excuse though. You're clearly presenting as Ida, so it shouldn't be a matter of denial or non-acceptance. You're clearly Ida, and there's no changing that, not even for your family.

It just sounds like they're warping things a little too far. Sit down with them, have a talk. Ask politely for them to use your name and pronouns correctly, and if they say no, ask them why not. It probably won't be a good reason.
I think that's probably the best course of action.

Mmm just for encouragement. I had my family over for Christmas and it was great, very nice. One sister in law mis-pronouns me and miss names me.

I started the morning with coffee and tea depending on preference. I then said.

My name is Cindy, I'm female, you use female pronouns to me. If you can't cope with that I love you but you can leave now.

I'll go make the coffee if you are here when I bring it back I presume you accept me.

Went really well :laugh:

My brother in law was the only male present and acted as one, but I liked that as well!! Ribald jokes an all!!

I think people learned a lesson in acceptance.

Perhaps Christmas Day is not the best day to have that discussion...

It sounds like a step in the right direction that you were invited.

It's been a great Christmas, except not one family member used my preferred name or the right pronouns despite me being full time and having legally changed my name.

They've had a year to come to grips with my transition and my real name and identity. It feels so disrespectful, hurtful, and shows that they don't accept me.

While I'll make allowances for my mother for now, there's a line in the sand for everyone else.

Quote from: Cute Ida on December 25, 2013, 02:28:35 AM
Hello everyone,

How have you dealt with your parents refusing to call you by your preferred name?  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they've helped me out when I was unemployed recently and allowed me to come over to their house for the first time this year for thanksgiving and christmas after transitioning but they keep calling me by my old name and I can't stand it! I've been living full time as a woman for 14 months and been on hormones for 14 months yet they won't use my preferred pronouns and name. They don't even want me to tell my cousins or aunts and uncles or any other family member that I'm trans. At least my friends, my sister and coworkers use my preferred name but it really hurts that my parents won't call me Ida. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it?

Love is not always a two way street.

You can love them 100% but, if they simply refuse to accept your new name and the fact you are not the gender they use, then it is not a 100% reciprocation and no amount of convenient financial aid is going to be sufficient to cover for that. The fact they want it kept secret is proof positive they are ashamed of you. No I am not sugar coating it. I don't know you, it is just an opinion. Take it as nothing more than that.

But that is how I see it.

Sometimes you need to force people to accept, that their lack of acceptance might have severe repercussions. How would they like being told they show less love for you than mere co workers? Hey if a co worker can do it, they have no reason to be less than a co worker.

Stop dancing around the truth.
If they won't call you Ida, it's because they don't want Ida, they want the other person.
That's basically telling you they don't want YOU.

Are you willing to deal with that?

Being a stroppy and somewhat impatient mare I gave people 6 months to stop being wazzocks and then cut off any contact if that was too difficult for them. I am amazed you have made it as far as fourteen months, I would have let rip with both barrels of verbal long ago.

Rosie

I had that problem with my adopted mom. Even after transition and SRS she continued using my old name. After a year, I simply stopped responding to my old name. If it was on the phone, I would hang up on her and if it was on the envelope of a  letter, I would send it back, unopened, and marked "Nobody here by that name". She eventually stopped using my old name and referred to me by the city in which I lived right up until her death - stubborn woman!

my mother called me by Teela (my legal name since fall) almost all year, then for christmas mailed me cards and presents under my old name thor, and she even but my old last name on it also.  Kinda hurt it was a low blow, my grandma doesnt know im trans, and she lives with them, so im wondering if everything got packed in her presence and my mother didnt want grams asking questions.  either way it hurt

Quote from: Northern Jane on December 25, 2013, 07:34:29 AM
I had that problem with my adopted mom. Even after transition and SRS she continued using my old name. After a year, I simply stopped responding to my old name. If it was on the phone, I would hang up on her and if it was on the envelope of a  letter, I would send it back, unopened, and marked "Nobody here by that name". She eventually stopped using my old name and referred to me by the city in which I lived right up until her death - stubborn woman!

hey sometimes it works out,  I got no idea what Ewen (pronounced you- win)means but its the town I used to live in, one of my college friends calls me it cause he thinks teela sounds weird lol

I'd say that if they're not using your name, then they must be talking to somebody else.  So if they say "<old name> can you come help with something?" then you shouldn't even react since they're not talking to you!

I haven't settled on a name yet, but they call me by the unisex version of my name a lot.  However, I was always called that before I even came out.  As for pronouns, no they don't use them.  I'll have to deal with the fact that they may never adjust to it.  While I haven't pushed it, I really would like them to try.  That would be quite a Christmas gift. 

By the way, I'm sorry you're family isn't adjusting.  It's not fair to you, especially since it's been so long. 

My legal full birthname is Phoenix Allyda Gene Blackwolf Anderson. Sorry it's a mouthful I know but that's part of being Native American. I'm lucky in with my name as it can be either girl or boy however I do have the same problem you do with the pronouns. And here's the funny part, Even while growing up if someone didn't know me they'd assume I was a girl and called me a "she." Even today it is like this but if I'm around my adoptive mother she will correct them -and that's what's embarrassing. Due to my age though most of my family are now passed with the exception of my mom. She lives in Orlando and we only communicate via letters. No phone calls or Christmas invitations, visits, etc., and I doubt there will be any due to her age which is why 5 years ago I decided it was my turn to be happy and live as who I am. I've told my neighbors I'm trans though I didn't have to and all of them except one refer to me as "she" and the one that doesn't well, I've no use for him anyway.

The truth is they may come around given more time, and they may not. However your lucky to be invited to family events. If I were you I'd hold on to that positive note and hope they'll come around in the near future but be prepared to have a heartfelt private conversation with them later on if they don't. Now during the holidays isn't the best time though for this conversation as there will be too many family members coming around. In my opinion your lucky your parents still invite you to family events. For over 17 years mine wanted nothing to do with me after I came out to them, and I'm an adoptee. I have a brother who's their biological and he won't accept me at all. When others asked My parents how I was doing they'd say "well, as you know he's different........" you know? I know this from talking to those people after the advent of facebook. When I explained to them what was going on they said "is that all? you always looked more like a girl anyway!", lol & we had a good laugh about it. Families can be funny sometimes I tell ya! ;D

You have all my hopes they'll eventually come around. ;)

What do I do? I don't do anything with them unless they cooperate.

My life, my rules.

Quote from: Cute Ida on December 25, 2013, 02:28:35 AM
They don't even want me to tell my cousins or aunts and uncles or any other family member that I'm trans.

14 months on HRT?  Isn't it kinda OBVIOUS to them that you're trans?
I'm sorry but this doesn't seem like a 'give it some more time' kind of situation to me.  You need to let them know that they're hurting you when they do this. Tell them it is totally unacceptable and it must change NOW. :(

Try misgendering and misnaming them. See how much they enjoy it.  :-\

Quote from: GeWnYnNyNwEg on December 25, 2013, 01:02:58 PM
Try misgendering and misnaming them. See how much they enjoy it.  :-\

I just want to warn anyone that tries this method that things can easily backfire.  When I tried to give my sister a taste of her own medicine, she started to refer to me as the transsexual instead using female pronouns.  I wouldn't try this because people really don't see things when you give it back.  Usually, they get more angry and spiteful. 

I'm curious... once you legally change your name, can people who refuse to use your new name be held in contempt of court? (yes, I know this would be a bit extreme)

I'd just like to tell you that I'm sorry for you situation especially being it's your parents. It would be a little easier if it was siblings . You look woman from your picture. As  others have suggested probably the only way is to confront them. They are your parents and you've known them quite a while. As Cindy said lay down the law. I've notice that Cindy Has a very profession attitude about her.

Quote from: Willow on December 25, 2013, 02:46:51 AM
Sit down with them, have a talk. Ask politely for them to use your name and pronouns correctly, and if they say no, ask them why not. It probably won't be a good reason.
I think that's probably the best course of action.

I agree with Willow. My mom and virtually all my relatives still call me by my old name, Randi, because it would have been my name anyway, if I was born a girl. Also, my chosen name, Miranda, has Rand in it, anyway. The thing I don't like is that my mom's been slipping with the pronouns a lot lately, and though I know it's definitely accidental, I said yesterday, Christmas morning, 'enough with the "he's" and "him's" mom, it's embarrassing!" And she got pretty mad, because she had a stroke a little more than a year ago, and said something like, "->-bleeped-<-, Randi! I'm trying." I never speak angrily toward her making those mistakes, because I was her 'son' (Ha!!) for 57 years. My mom, immediately upon my living full time, 27 months now, began trying to call me 'she' and 'her', but since her stroke she's slipping and I feel like a bitch having chastised her like that.

Ida, just sit down and tell them that you're NEVER going back and that you've got enough problems just trying to find your role in society as a new woman and you need their help in making your way. If they refuse to respect you and your life, more drastic steps might be in order. I'd make sure they know you're never going back to existing as a man, when you're finally living as a woman. Hugs, Merry belated Christmas, and good luck. Mira

It took mine about 8 months to finally come around.  It takes time to process this.

I had to give people a temporary pass this Christmas.  Next year the gloves come off.

Quote from: learningtolive on December 26, 2013, 09:14:40 AM
I just want to warn anyone that tries this method that things can easily backfire.  When I tried to give my sister a taste of her own medicine, she started to refer to me as the transsexual instead using female pronouns.  I wouldn't try this because people really don't see things when you give it back.  Usually, they get more angry and spiteful.

I'm sorry to hear this. For the record, I wasn't suggesting it earnestly. I agree that actually doing this is likely to raise tensions rather than lowering them. That being said, asking the person how they'd feel if you did it might have a positive impact.

Empathy: hard stuff to manufacture.  :-\

I chose Robin as I can pretend that Rob is short for Robin.

Quote from: Jill F on December 26, 2013, 12:39:17 PM
It took mine about 8 months to finally come around.  It takes time to process this.

I had to give people a temporary pass this Christmas.  Next year the gloves come off.

I agree 100%  ;)

I'm so sorry, Ida. We all have to deal with such issues. I feel most vulnerable when visiting home. I'm 24 months out from my name change, hormones for three years..but still, I had many of the same problems this Christmas: Mother misgendering and using my old name in front of my bf and visitors. Visitors misgendering me frequently (some visitors have only known me as female, never as male!). My former name spilling out during incidental and unnecessary conversation. Me not responding to 'he' comments directed to me. By Christmas evening, I felt frustrated, defensive, and hammered down.

For the record, my little brother works very hard to assist me with conversational 'deflections', though. He's been very cooperative and kind. Sometimes an ally helps if you can find one.

I'm going to be using some of the suggestions above.

I too am very sorry this is happening to you Ida. As someone else said unfortunately we all go through this to some extent. I though feel you have an advantage because your parents still want you in their lives. In over 24 years I haven't been invited to any family event during the holidays or otherwise. I got cards, some guifts in boxes, and some money this Christmas -no invitations. This is why I say give them a little more time while focusing on the positive they do still want you in their lives. As a woman who's had no physical contact with her mother for over 24 years, hasn't even seen her in over that, and couldn't even write her a letter for over 17 years I can say from experience it hurts and that you don't want to go issuing ultimatums or trying reverse psychology. Give them a few more months. Then if after that time they still haven't come around sit down with them alone and explain to them how this is hurting you while reassuring them you love them just the same. Let them know that not using your name and the correct pronouns is also disrespectful. And that all you are asking of them is to give you the same respect they give everyone else. If that doesn't work then I would politely decline a few invitations politely explaining to them you've made other plans with your friends (whether you have or not). Then, once you've done this a few times and you can tell they are sincerely dissappointed by your not attending family events tell them why but politely and reiterate to them your friends accept you as a woman and your not hurt emotionally by disrespect in their presence. -I thnk you get the idea of what I'm trying to say. Also as someone else pointed out it would help to have an alli within your family.

I hope what I've said here helps rather than confuses. I just know from experience reverse psychology and ultimatums aren't the way to handle this.

All my hopes
Hugs,
Ally ;)

I am sorry they disrespect you your family either is going to accept you slowly or may never accept your new name. I think the fact that they talk you is a sign they love you. But they may never accept your transition. My family made it clear to me if I transition they don't want to see me.

My brother accepted me but as for my father he took the longest to come around. My mother was not to bad but they did slip up here and there even after a year went by they would slip up. In all honesty they have gone forever or for ever how long you were the gender before you switched now they have to change everything. And it can't be easy for them to do over night let alone with in a few months. Some parents will never accept it and some will right away but for the parents who take time don't give up on them just yet. :angel: