Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi,

I'm afraid to take steps further to becoming a guy
because I can sing, I have a nice singing voice, and I actually have producers chasing me
And I might get a singing career
so it's becoming myself or possibly a singing career
It's so hard and it's hurting
Is this normal that I'm so obsessed with thinking what i should do
And also i'm afraid of becoming a guy because it's a big change
right now i still appear as female to the world, nobody knows about my feelings
everybody thinks i'm a rock chick, a cool feminine yet masculine woman
but i'm afraid to shock everyone around me
i also am doubting myself, am i a man or a woman?
I do know i hate my breasts, my vagina and i hate looking feminine though
and when people call me girl i get mad
But sometimes I like being a girl, it's so double

Just ask your self that if you choose the singing career, will you be truly happy in the long run. I know that if I was given the choice to transition or to pursue a profitable venture such as that, I'd probably transition. I know that at the end of the day I would be depressed and grow old regretting my decision.

Way before hormones is therapy. Then, if you choose you can begin the process of transitioning, with or without hormones.

The truth is severe Gender Dysphoria does not give you the option to transition or not. It pushes you into the transition direction a little more every day. Money and career's are a great thing, but not if you can't enjoy true life.  :)

Hi Riley.

I had to make a similar career choice, except that mine was in professional dance (I'm now retired). I had a masculine body that was good for dance (one of my main assets in that world), so transitioning wasn't really an option if I wanted to continue down that career path. Well, there are dance troupes that I could have joined that would have allowed me to make a political statement while participating in something that I loved. But at that stage I wasn't aware of the significance of my gender identity and nor did I have the sophistication to make such decisions.

In your case, you could transition and still try for a singing career, but as your voice would change, it would certainly alter (most likely reduce) your chances of being successful. This isn't to say you wouldn't be successful, but at this point you at least know your voice is good and that you may have a good shot at a singing career. So, if I were you, I would take a shot at your singing career first. You could give singing a go for, say, 3-years and if it doesn't work out you could still transition. In my opinion, you have to do it in this order, as sacrificing a few years of transition time is OK, but sacrificing your voice will likely mean you won't have the same chance at a successful singing career that you currently do. Does this make sense?

I do of course realise that gender issues never leave and I have often had moments where I've seriously thought about transition. But despite this, I had a fantastic dance career that I enjoyed immensely and, given the chance, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. In my opinion, an artistic career that you feel truly passionate for is far more interesting and rewarding than the pursuit of a gender change. But that's just me. Mind you, I haven't transitioned, so I can't offer you that comparison, it's just what my intuition tells me. Ultimately, personal insight is really the only measure that I, we, have available to us.

Quote from: Riley on December 25, 2013, 07:28:33 AM
...when people call me girl i get mad
But sometimes I like being a girl, it's so double

Oh, yeah, replace "girl" with "boy" and I identify with this big time.
I feel like it's kind of irrational on my part, though, as I present as male in public.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on December 25, 2013, 03:43:09 PM
The truth is severe Gender Dysphoria does not give you the option to transition or not. It pushes you into the transition direction a little more every day. Money and career's are a great thing, but not if you can't enjoy true life.  :)

Agreed. It's really either transition or die, at least for me.

Riley, you may be able to have a successful career and distract yourself for a while, but these feelings DO exist, so they're not just going to get buried over and disappear. I think you should see a therapist and try to sort these feelings out, especially before you get into anything like that. I used to be the 'rocker-type' and almost got into a professional music career. As the band manager put it, I'd have to be prepared for 'life in a fishbowl' and she explained how I'd have to dress and what my overall 'look' should resemble. Thankfully it didn't work out (I looked too young), because if it did, I might have been touring when I this all hit me, and dealing with that and trying to transition while in the public spotlight would have been incredibly difficult. Even now I deal with the fact that I have a great voice for a guy, and as a rock vocalist, but I'd easily trade it for a passable feminine voice even if it meant I couldn't sing. Transitioning is just way more important. I can always play an instrument as a musical outlet. Singing professionally is just not a good enough reason for me to suffer as a man. I don't know if it'd be worth it to you to suffer as a woman, but I urge you to think hard about it before you get into anything you'll regret later on.

Hi Ashley,

All good comments in previous replies. One other question you may need to ask yourself. Would this singing career facilitate my transition? Could it be the means to the end? After all, transition is an expensive business.

Lotsa Huggs
Catherine

There are a number of singers who transitioned and still sing.

Quote from: LordKAT on December 25, 2013, 08:01:02 PM
There are a number of singers who transitioned and still sing.

I will say, that if you can pull that off Riley, then more power to ya. I just think it would be very stressful.

Why not do both? As someone else mentioned, go into therapy (which should be confidential anyway – in other words, no one but you and your therapist have to know about it) and sort through your feelings WHILE you're pursuing that singing career.

i really identify with feeling like both. sometimes i just want to get pretty and wear big dresses for no reason and be flirty and giddy. sometimes i just wanna be a dude.
it comes down to the fact that what i really want is all the parts of a woman and be able to pass as a tomboy with girly tendencies.

which does NOT fit well with most peoples experiences of trans. and makes me feel alienated and fake no matter how real i know the emotions are.
so i get the whole what the hell am i thing. just gotta go with it. take time to think about it. dont rush the process. life is short but it aint that short

If you want to look at the suggestion of transitioning and having a singing career as well it might be worth doing a web search for Paige Phoenix.  He is a transman who came out on the Aussie version of "The X Factor" and has had a lot of success.
Just a suggestion but there is the option of playing if your voice does change too much too.  Whatever you choose, seeing a good Gender Therapist is the best first step towards transition.  There are a lot of issues to work through and it is worth taking time to do it right.
All the best,  Karen.

Quote from: Riley on December 25, 2013, 07:28:33 AM
Hi,

I'm afraid to take steps further to becoming a guy
because I can sing, I have a nice singing voice, and I actually have producers chasing me
And I might get a singing career
so it's becoming myself or possibly a singing career
It's so hard and it's hurting
Is this normal that I'm so obsessed with thinking what i should do
And also i'm afraid of becoming a guy because it's a big change
right now i still appear as female to the world, nobody knows about my feelings
everybody thinks i'm a rock chick, a cool feminine yet masculine woman
but i'm afraid to shock everyone around me
i also am doubting myself, am i a man or a woman?
I do know i hate my breasts, my vagina and i hate looking feminine though
and when people call me girl i get mad
But sometimes I like being a girl, it's so double

There is a lot of middle ground and Catherine is right to point out that transition is expensive. Start with a good gender therapist, and maybe there are things you can do to express the parts of you that you feel unable to now...but without hrt that could harm your voice.

If you are trans, the feelings never go away no matter how old you are or what you do to distract yourself. Let me tell you, I pushed that theory as far as I could over 42 years and was wildly successful until it all blew up in spectacular fashion and nearly cost my life. However, there are things I discovered through my gender therapist which now act as a pressure release valve.

Besides, all artists who are great are perceived as unique or different. Maybe you can find a solution that does not involve hrt, helps you with your authenticity, and sets you apart in a positive way from other talent? It could be a strength, and the sense of self may give you the confidence and calm you need to really elevate your profile? 

Good luck, and try to remember that there is no right transition path, only your path. As others have said, a good gender therapist may be helpful if you don't already have one. You could start off by simply saying exactly what you just said here.

Regards,

Toni

I did not read the full post and did not feel I needed to.the doubt is very thick in how you speak and that alone should warrent the need to NOT continue with transition.there could be many reasons for that doubt but that is a personal walk that you need to take.and you do not need excuses not to transition.singing is not a good excuse for the fact that even with the change in voice,so can your talent but does that mean you will suddenly be unable to sing? Of course not.there are deeper reasons for those doubts and I strongly suggest confronting them before proceeding.you do not need regrets as well.good luck and I hope you find the right path.

Riley, it's sometimes rough being at the stage you're at.  You want to transition, but you have all these other opportunities that might make your life interesting in other ways too.  And you can't have both (or you think you can't, at least not simultaneously).

One thing you didn't mention (unless I missed it) is your age.  That's important, because you may find that you have time on your side.  You don't have to transition as soon as you know that it's what you have to do.  You can time it, provided you're okay living in limbo for a while.  Is there any reason you can't give the singing a try, and then transition if it doesn't work out?

And there's also many things you can do to begin preparing for transition without guzzling hormones and making physical changes.  Therapy is a good place to start (says the person who has been avoiding therapy for a while now, but that's another story.)  You should figure things out inside your head before trying to figure things out inside your body.

On a final note, I'm sure you don't want to hear this again, but it's worth repeating anyway: in the long run, careers don't mean anything compared to having lived a happy, healthy life.

I wish you the absolute best, and I hope this starts to become clear for you soon because there's nothing worse than living with a sense of confusion or being trapped.  And we're all here for you if you need to vent, throw ideas around, or get support.

Hi Ashley! Tough decision, indeed!  :( But with potentially favourable results!  :) As you have some positive options! And that's never a bad thing!

QuoteOne other question you may need to ask yourself. Would this singing career facilitate my transition? Could it be the means to the end? After all, transition is an expensive business.

I'd agree with that comment, definitely. We do live in a world where money is THE most important to have other than health, as nothing is sustainable without money, not dreams, not love, not anything. So perhaps make a list as to how  the singing contract may be able to contribute to a transition or not. If you were to make some plans and stick to them, potentially you could be able to sing, make some money and then also transition to whatever degree you feel is best. It could be a worth a shot, rather than discounting one or the other straight off. Good luck and best wishes!

Quote from: "I'm Stella Stanhope, and that's why I drink". on December 27, 2013, 08:09:27 PM
Hi Ashley! Tough decision, indeed!  :( But with potentially favourable results!  :) As you have some positive options! And that's never a bad thing!

o_o Ashley =/= Riley. :P

I'm ambivalent about transitioning, not necessarily afraid.  Right now, I'm a tall and outwardly unattractive male.  I just got out of relationship with a wealthy male-to-female transgender.  Money is no object for her and  her ultimate goal is not only to rid herself of testosterone poisoning, but become the best-looking woman in her age group (late 30's). 

I could never throw enough money nor could I attain the same vivaciousness and attractiveness as I'm in my early 50's.  To me, I'm my own worst critic and nothing short of looking the ultimate for my age-group will suffice.  Basically, I say why bother?  I'm not going to risk my job, family, and investment in something if I fall-short? 

It was the worst thing that could have happened to me in having a relationship with this person.  Having my heart broken makes me even wish I didn't have gender dysphoria otherwise I would have never met her.

Quote from: karahayes on December 28, 2013, 06:28:33 PM
I'm ambivalent about transitioning, not necessarily afraid.  Right now, I'm a tall and outwardly unattractive male.  I just got out of relationship with a wealthy male-to-female transgender.  Money is no object for her and  her ultimate goal is not only to rid herself of testosterone poisoning, but become the best-looking woman in her age group (late 30's). 

I could never throw enough money nor could I attain the same vivaciousness and attractiveness as I'm in my early 50's.  To me, I'm my own worst critic and nothing short of looking the ultimate for my age-group will suffice.  Basically, I say why bother?  I'm not going to risk my job, family, and investment in something if I fall-short? 

Sorry I hate using my phone to comment.as I said,I would rather be a very happy and ugly man then a dead beautiful woman but I guess for most,being superficial is more

Quote from: Riley on December 25, 2013, 07:28:33 AM
But sometimes I like being a girl

^That told me you're not ready to medically transition. Socially you might want to play around with it but with you saying that sometimes you like being a girl you're not ready for hormones or surgeries. No medical professional in their right mind would ok you to take any steps to medically transition.

How you feel is not wrong, do know that. You need to explore your options before you consider anything medical. I wish I would have liked myself even an iota before transition. I hated her, everything about her. The only way I could survive was to free myself of her. If you have the possibility of living your life and being happy with yourself without transitioning then by all means go that route.

I agree with many here that transitioning is the right path for many of us, but I don't think it's "always" the answer.  There are some that have been able to deal with their dysphoria without needing to take that step and that's fine.  At the end of the day, you need to find the path that makes you happy.  Therefore, you don't "have" to transition nor do you "have" to remain as you are, all of that is up to you.  While transitioning is right for me and many here, none of us can say what's best for you.  Therefore, if you are uncertain about what to do and feel these gender issues are bothering you, going to a therapist may help you make a well thought out decision.  You need to discover what's most important to you in life and measure your feelings in a serious way.  Committing to a transition and/or a career are both major decisions.  It doesn't hurt to put some heavy thought into your lives direction as it can only benefit you in the long run.   Good luck with everything and hope all turns out well! :)

Riley,

All my life I had my heart set out for the military, and I enlisted in the Army on my 18th birthday. I was shipped off to Fort Jackson on July 22nd after a heartfelt goodbye from my family and was shoved into processing. On the last day of processing, most of my battalion was was cramped into the chapel for what they call the moment of truth, which is exactly what it sounds like. People lined up to tell our 1st Srg and Battalion Commander things we may have left out or lied about to enlist, threatening serious consequences later if we didn't disclose this information now. Parking Tickets, former arrests, medical information, etc. I sat there for most of the time, trying to keep myself composed and debating on what I should do. I've wanted this for so long, and at that point, I wasn't entirely sure if I was trans or not, but my uncertainty is really what pushed me to tell. It was only when I was talking with the 1st Srg and Commander I finally accepted that I was trans and I would be miserable for a very long time, had I decided to keep quiet, and probably would have ended up doing something incredibly stupid and selfish.

I do have conflicting feelings over the decision sometimes. I know I could have made it through basic, I know I would've been great at my job. I'd had enough money for T and surgery later on, but I couldn't do it. I feel like 18, now pushing 19, years is long enough for me to have this consent ache in my chest because I don't look how I feel, about how my voice squeaks when I talk to loud or my family and close friends not seeing me for who I am and treating me differently then how i should be treated. Although I may be bitter about my situation, I believe it was the right choice for me, and I don't regret it. I threw away a very stable and respectable career and I'm still not happy where I'm at right now in my life, I have a lot of people supporting me who I care about very much and have no where to go but up. I'm positive things will get better and I'll find a new goal to shoot for, or maybe try to the military again later on in my life.

But I guess to me, if you have to lie about who you are, I don't think it's worth it. Especially for something as public as that can be. Like others have said, it's still possible for you to get a singing career if you medically transition. Therapy is a highly recommended idea before pursuing either, I think.

-RJ (my name is Riley too! :D)

Quoteo_o Ashley =/= Riley. :P

My last online faux pas of 2013, I'm sure.....ish  :laugh:

I'm more of an analogue geek,I don't do all this computamabobs. Yep, thats it.

Hope you're feeling better though, Riley!