Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I recently came back to this site after a long break. I got to the point where I found myself constantly focusing on trans issues. It was starting to wear me down. Being trans is part of my life but I refuse to make it my whole life. I've gotten to where I can focus on it when I do my shot, think about ways to get more money for surgery, watch the random trans YouTube video, or come on here but other than that I block it out. If I don't I get really panicky feeling about things. Mainly stressing over surgery money and then the dysphoria starts up.

Just out of curiosity, how much do you guys focus on trans related things? How much of your life do you devote to thoughts of this? Do you ever find that it makes your dysphoria worse, if so how do you cope? 

i find that i only really think about it when i have to get dressed or undressed, i need a reminder set for a recurring doctors appointment to get my shot done fortnightly, being trans is just a very small part of my life now, for a while it was all consuming, i find the more i pass the less i think about it, im confident once my chest surgery happens ill only think about it on shot day

Quote from: Simon on December 26, 2013, 11:59:31 PM
I recently came back to this site after a long break. I got to the point where I found myself constantly focusing on trans issues. It was starting to wear me down. Being trans is part of my life but I refuse to make it my whole life. I've gotten to where I can focus on it when I do my shot, think about ways to get more money for surgery, watch the random trans YouTube video, or come on here but other than that I block it out. If I don't I get really panicky feeling about things. Mainly stressing over surgery money and then the dysphoria starts up.

Just out of curiosity, how much do you guys focus on trans related things? How much of your life do you devote to thoughts of this? Do you ever find that it makes your dysphoria worse, if so how do you cope?

I focus on trans-related things every day in the sense of figuring out my transition timeline and how I will go about doing that.  I don't know if I can say it worsens my dysphoria since it's working towards the goal of my transition.  If anything, I think that it's just the actual time that it would take that would make my dysphoria worse.

I don't think about it anymore. It just is what it is, just like the fact that I have a bum knee or blue eyes. I started coming back to the forum a few months ago out of curiosity more than anything else. If fact, this forum is the only "trans" thing I look at, aside from looking into surgery/binders. But after i get that done in a few months, it will just be susans. I don't even bother with youtube.

For a while I was pretty obsessed with it. But after a few months, getting hormones and realizing that it's just my hand in life, I'm pretty chill about it. I guess it's most accurate to say that if I think about it at all, it's the same way I think about any other aspect of my life. "I can't  o swimming/to public baths because I'm trans" is about the same level of emotion as "I can't eat peaches because I'm allergic, so that peach cobbler might kill me."

Quote from: geek on December 27, 2013, 12:21:02 AM
im confident once my chest surgery happens ill only think about it on shot day

I feel the same way for the most part. I have heard from many that the dysphoria tends to travel South after top is done though. I've tried telling myself no bottom surgery, then it went to 'get a release', and now I'm almost certain I'll never feel complete unless I go all the way. That will take a good while to save up for though. Eventually after bottom surgery I think I'll try the T implant pellets and just live life as a regular guy for a good while.

I don't frequent this or any other trans*-related sites anymore because a) I've generally moved beyond the need for what they provide and b) focusing on trans* topics all day is triggering.

I never watched YouTube videos of other guys - it was always far too triggering for me because I was constantly comparing my changes to theirs which was unhealthy.  I mostly visit trans* sites now to offer my support to others as opposed to seeking it out for myself.

I don't attend my IRL support group anymore for mostly the same reasons. 

Triggers for me are generally guys who are further along in their transitions than I am and who have full beards, very deep voices and chest hair (not to mention, surgeries).  So I don't expose myself to too much of this anymore these days. 

Having a somewhat obsessive personality, and being (unfortunately) one of those people who will never feel even remotely whole without extensive bottom surgery, I think about it way too much. It's been especially bad these past few months because I might actually be able to get the job that will give me the insurance that covers future surgeries. And it's been pretty bad for the past year or so because of my parents and the whole coming out thing.

I stopped going to support groups ages ago, but I still came here. Now I come here less often, but that's because I'm phenomenally busy and not so much because I don't need the site. I like being a moderator because I feel the need to give back to the community in some way. And I like to be around to encourage young people and people of all ages who are just beginning their journey. But that means that I'm hyperaware of my trans status. Still, I probably would be anyway.

I think about it, as much as I think about other things that are important in my life like my studies and what I want to do with my life and so on. At the moment I'm figuring out what to do, I'm starting therapy, I'm coming out so obviously I think about it a lot. I check the site every day, but I also check other forum's that catch my interest everyday. I see transition as being important right now, and being one of the important parts of my life so I think about it. I don't get triggered by the site though, I find information or funny stories, I read happy stories... Just like my supportgroup it's part of my social life, I look for people that I like and that can understand me without too much effort. I go to my supportgroup for the same reason as I look for people who have the same interests and sometimes the same views as me: Because it makes socializing easier and more fun.
I'm trying to say that transition and trans is important at the moment but it doesn't reign my life either, not everything is about being trans. I like to think I have a nice balance with trans and other important things in my life and I try to enjoy these changes as much (or more) as I stress about them :) I'm in transition to become the person I want to be in more ways then just my gender, and I'm enjoying that ride.

I usually forget, but get reminded when using the bathroom that my wiener is tiny.  But hey, I'm glad I have one.  That and when other people remind me.  Like the one who randomly asked me, since I dated men still, if that made the relationships straight.  (Um, no, I'm dating gay men! And I'm a man!). Or when I have to go to the doctor.  Or a sibling misgenders me (still).

I come here periodically but mostly to see if I can help someone. Mostly I'm busy with life and living.  Occ I post (see Just when you think you are steath... in the transsexual talk folder).


Jay

It depends on my surroundings. If most of the people around me are male, blending in as 'one of the guys' is just natural to me. They still see me as female but how much that bothers me varies. I'm usually just aware of it in the back of my mind. If I'm caught up in something I like doing and mentally focused on it, I can forget it for brief periods of time.

But in day-to-day life I don't really think about it, I just try to be myself. I'm just a short, scrawny nerd and I'm alright with that.

It's kind of odd how I think about it. I think about it more in a definition sense but don't always apply it to myself in that way. I kind of throw a monkey wrench in the clinic definition because I'm not transitioning anyway. I also firmly believe I have some valid physical things going on that have made me the way I am and I've come to accept those more over the years. Once I made some discoveries of some earlier medical things in my life more and more stuff just fell into place. Somehow I have managed to keep my male gender identity regardless of any other circumstances (social or physical). So rather than "being trans", I focus more on being myself.

I think about it a little too much. Some of that is of my own doing (I do come to Susan's nearly daily), but some of it is just where I am at in my transition, I think. I deal with some very liberal people, so as a result, while I have no issue blending in as male in most areas - throw me in to an area where anyone knows anything about "trans" and it's over lol. I also can't bind (as easily) so it makes a chest much more of a hassle than for most guys.

My first response was I think about it constantly. 

My second was that I don't think about it at all.

I guess, in a way, both are true.  It's part of who I am.  It's shaped the way I move through the world, think about things, developed relationships, friendships, career, etc.  It's so much a part of who I am I don't even really think of it much anymore -- consciously.  I don't seek out other trans folks very often or even come to this site.  Most days I'm consumed by kids, work, home, partner, and just trying to get through a grueling schedule.  But it's always there in the back of my mind.  Reminding myself to sit up straight after years of slouching to hide my chest, pulling at my binder to ease the discomfort, sweating for no particular reason because I'm wearing a binder, an A-shirt and a t-shirt, listening to the unfamiliarity of my own voice, watching other people watch me, listening to people I've known my whole life stumble over my pronouns and the soon-to-follow embarrassment of "getting it wrong." 

Most of the time, alone in my own mind, I'm completely unaware of my own body, it's only when my body has needs or I'm reminded of it by someone my interactions with others just how much a blend of male and female I really am.

Interesting question to think about :)

Lex

Despite being on here several times every day, I don't really think about it that much.  I certainly don't think of myself as trans, or anything other than male, even though I'm constantly reminded that I'm not known to the world as such.  Coming here is more of a cross between checking something like twitter, and satisfying my need for constantly absorbing knowledge, and if I can use some of that knowledge to help people by sharing it back, then that's more than I hoped for when I joined.  Being on here doesn't make me think about being trans any more or any less really, it's just a subject I know about, and I'm interested in.  If I found a welcoming forum on something else I was interested in then I would obsess over that just as much, but I've tried to join others, but just find them either completely overwhelming, or having really bizarre anti-spam stuff to get through before joining.  One site made you email the admin and then make 5 posts in the newbies section first, and I have no idea what to put in anything like that, so I avoided it.  I'm still trying to stray out of the FTM section here with no avail.

I do get a twinge of reminder whenever someone calls me by my birthname, or when I go to my (female) shared bedroom at work, but that issue was never there before because I never used to sleep in a gender segregated environment.  It's a kick in the teeth and I spend most of my time in the guys room next door, even just the smell and colours makes me feel more at home.  Stabs and bouts of dysphoria and that week make me think about it a lot more, but I expect that to pass in time when I get medically transitioning, and thinking about the NHS just makes me incredibly angry and frustrated at the moment.

I'm currently planning for a consult with the Belgium team for phalloplasty, so I think about it many times a day I guess, especially when using the bathroom etc.. But it's not debilitating, it doesn't prevent me from going about my day. I pass 100%, I've had top surgery, a hysto and been on T 4+ years so I don't classify myself as a "transman" much anymore at all, and once my phallo is done - I will be just a man. A man with a transsexual history. For me at least, identifying as trans was something I needed to do at the start of my transition in that ambiguous stage, but now while I think about my lower dysphoria quite a bit (hence the plans for GRS), for the most part I just think of myself as a man and not being trans.

Not to derail, but...wow, Jay, you're looking awesome!

Quote from: Arch on December 27, 2013, 10:02:52 PM
Not to derail, but...wow, Jay, you're looking awesome!

I second that.

Jay, as in me??! If so thanks fellas :D if not, well this is awkward isn't it...!

Yes, you. ;D

Lol indeed, you Aussie Jay.

Lol - well again thanks fellas (I just know there's a few Jay's on here, & not used to compliments!) :D And apologies to the OP..I'll let us get back on track!!

Interesting thread and makes me think.

But first Jay you look totally awesome, congratulations. Sort of Micheal Klim but better looking. :embarrassed:

I decided when I was happy and accepted myself I would try and help others. I can't disappear, I can't go stealth, so I'll stand out. I don't consider myself trans, post-trans maybe but in reality I'm a normal happy woman. I use my post-trans status like a battering ram to help, particularly, transgender children and their families.

So I don't think about being trans, but I use it ruthlessly.

I'm not in the slightest ashamed. I'm proud of what I have accomplished and I will maintain as high a profile as I can to let men and women less fortunate than I to be accepted.

Sorry may have drifted off topic (as usual)

Look, im glad we can all agree Jay is a babe.  ;)

I'd actually like to say thanks Cindy, its people like you who don't go stealth that makes it easier for the future in a way.   :)

I don't really focus on it. Of course I get reminded of it constantly throughout the day but I think that just is the reason why not. It's just a part of who I am and my every day life so I guess I've kinda gotten "numb" to being trans.

I feel like if you are early transition, it is more natural to think about it, and as your transition goes on you think about it less. That's my take anyway. I am "out" as trans, and active in the trans community here and also co-moderate a Trans men over 40 on FB, so that somewhat keeps my thoughts more trans-ish I suppose than they might.

One thing I think the level I am read as male helps me see myself as male, if I am always worried about being read correctly maybe I think more of being trans, if that makes sense.

--Jay

I used to be COMPLETELY obsessed, and now I'm not. Dysphoria is a daily occurrence, but I can still function quite nicely, for now.

Quote from: aleon515 on December 28, 2013, 12:37:58 PM
I feel like if you are early transition, it is more natural to think about it, and as your transition goes on you think about it less. That's my take anyway.

Maybe for some but funny enough I think about it more now than I did in the early days. Maybe that's due to having the resources available to do something about it. When I was young and pre everything I knew what I needed to accomplish but without any resources to do so it was useless to focus on it too much. I probably focused on the social aspects of it more before and now it's the medical.

Then again I do wonder after having top later next year if I'll focus on it at all. After that I'll be post everything except bottom surgery. I've resolved myself to the fact that I'm 32 now and want that done around the time I am 40 (want to buy a house and work on a family in the meantime) so I don't stress about it like I am with top surgery.

It is thought provoking questions such as this that keep me checking in here almost daily.  I have been on T almost 2 yrs now and had top surgery last July.  I feel like I just can't find a way to walk through life living as a man.  I feel like I never get away from my past.  I transitioned at the job I currently have, so everyone knows there.  All of my friends are friends that I had prior to transitioning so they all know, and then of course there is family.  Everyone at work is very good about using my male name and correct pronouns, my friends for the most part are very good too, family is working on it, but get it right most of the time.  Maybe because I spent 49 yrs as a female bodied person I am having a difficult time.  I pass 100% in public, I just can't seem to pass 100% of the time in my own mind.  I would love to think about it less, hopefully that will come.

Quote from: shean R on December 29, 2013, 11:59:44 AM
It is thought provoking questions such as this that keep me checking in here almost daily.  I have been on T almost 2 yrs now and had top surgery last July.  I feel like I just can't find a way to walk through life living as a man.  I feel like I never get away from my past.  I transitioned at the job I currently have, so everyone knows there.  All of my friends are friends that I had prior to transitioning so they all know, and then of course there is family.  Everyone at work is very good about using my male name and correct pronouns, my friends for the most part are very good too, family is working on it, but get it right most of the time.  Maybe because I spent 49 yrs as a female bodied person I am having a difficult time.  I pass 100% in public, I just can't seem to pass 100% of the time in my own mind.  I would love to think about it less, hopefully that will come.

Might be harder for us older guys as well as those of us who really didn't live most of their lives as guys. I certainly didn't, but I know (trans) guys who did. They thought of themselves and guys and so on. I never thought of myself as being much of anything-- was way androgynous. I also have lots of people around me who use the correct pronouns and never slip up and since top surgery I am getting read mostly as male. I think that in time (I've started forgetting about it for hours at a time LOL).

--Jay

Quote from: shean R on December 29, 2013, 11:59:44 AM
I feel like I just can't find a way to walk through life living as a man.  I feel like I never get away from my past.

I feel that way sometimes, if everyone were to be honest I think most of us have times where we either feel that now or felt that in the past. I don't think it has much to do with age either. I started living full time at 17. At 18 I spent four years moving around to different States with random women I had met online (not smart kids...don't do it) trying to constantly start over. I'd tell myself that things would be different if I could just get away from people who knew (or found out as I was pre everything). It just became a vicious cycle and it was making me paranoid about everyone around me finding out my 'secret'.

As I've gotten older and hopefully more wise I've come to terms with never being able to fully escape being trans. I'm becoming ok with that. I mean I can go years without people knowing but if they do it's not the end of the world anymore. I don't let their opinions of who they think I am or what I am about define me like it used to. A recent example would be my wife's cousin who has known me almost a decade now clocking me. She didn't come to me though. She spoke with her mom & dad about it (my wife's aunt & uncle). Then she text messaged my wife asking her if I was a transsexual. My wife will not out me, she never has so she let me know what was going on and left it up to me to respond. I ended up talking to her cousin and telling her. One thing I have found out over the years with this is it's better to be truthful and get it over with. If you lie people will pry if their curiosity gets the best of them. I told my wife's cousin and aunt the same thing, "Yes, I am transgender but it's just a small part of who I am. I just try to live my life the best way I know how so I am happy". I left it at that. They said they are fine with it. Time will tell but honestly...I don't care if they approve of me or not. This is my life to live.

What I am trying to get at is you really can not escape your past. Not unless you fully transition, move away from anyone you ever knew, and start over. Then there would still be issues with new people you met. It's not escaping it that is important. It's coming to terms with it that matters.

Quote from: shean R on December 29, 2013, 11:59:44 AM
I feel like I never get away from my past.  I transitioned at the job I currently have, so everyone knows there.  All of my friends are friends that I had prior to transitioning so they all know, and then of course there is family. 

Yikes. I went through a big purge and very much enjoyed it after it was all over with. Got a new mailbox, a new place, a new neighborhood, a new library, a new dentist...

People at one job know, but my transition was pretty seamless, and I have no problems there; it has been nearly five years. I am completely stealth at the other job. I'm just now starting to deal with my family. I still have close ties with a number of pre-transition friends, but nobody in my gay group knows about my past. I love that--just being a regular gay man is sheer heaven.

The old wisdom was that we needed to cut all previous ties. My experience with the gay group backs this up, but I'm not giving up my job and my other friends. And I very consciously decided to reconnect with my parents.

For me, I don't so much need to get away from my past; I need to make peace with it, reconcile with it in some way. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, but I came to the conclusion that coming out to my parents was an essential part of that. I don't even know why! So I'm stumbling around blind here. I often wonder if I am uneasy with my past because, deep down inside, I still think of trans as "less than." I have never thought of other trans people that way, but (deep down), I often think of myself that way.

Quote from: Arch on December 29, 2013, 04:23:35 PM
I often wonder if I am uneasy with my past because, deep down inside, I still think of trans as "less than." I have never thought of other trans people that way, but (deep down), I often think of myself that way.

YES, I understand that statement to a degree that can not be expressed through text! Validating the man I have become (and am still evolving into) to myself has been rougher than dealing with the judgment of others. What people have said about me (especially in the past) as far as being trans has been a lot less hurtful than the things I have said to myself about it.