Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm at the point where I have been on HRT going on 4 months. My face is changing a little, my breasts aren't a problem, looking quite feminine. Each day I feel the estrogen surge through my veins,  I feel I'm getting bolder. I don't have many male cloths because I've been slowly paring  down since starting transition. I feel like putting the male stuff in the center of my apt. and vomiting on them. sorry for the graphics. I have to do this. I was sitting in a coffee house last night and this transgender walked by the window .I don't know her personally but I've seen her in the neighborhood for the last 5 years. She walked by the window and looked me in the eyes and there was this recognition that we were the same. She has been public for quite a while. Do others just reach that point where they just can't do the male thing any more and just kind of snap and do it.

Yes, I did.  Had it planned out for my birthday, but about a month before I couldn't wait anymore.  Typed out a letter to my cousins, got dressed and hand delivered it.  That afternoon all my clothes went into big bags to be donated to Goodwill the next day.   One of the happiest days of my life.

I feel it coming. I don't know when but someday I will transition. I am getting bolder and I want to be a woman no matter what clothes I wear. I am tired of being ashamed and feeling like I am a freak. I am Kelli and one day I will walk openly and be free! Wow that felt good never really put it   in words before thank you.

I don't know about a snap but my self acceptance as transgender was like a warm lightning bolt of certainty.  My life made sense.  It galvanized me.    i had resisted a transition in the past and this time I wasn't going to let go of myself.  I almost threw every male clothing item away.  I felt so liberated and free.  Giving up the guy has been an easy and delightful non issue for me.  I cared for him and he carried me here and now he's gone.  That is a challenge for those that do miss him.  I find my daily life flows and is free from hiding mannerisms and all the other ridiculous expectations the world and I previously entertained.  That self acceptance has still been the most profound change for me to date.

I have zero desire to pretend again.  I did experience a bit of pendulum swinging and would only dress in skirts or dresses for months.  We do know that it aint the cool clothes that make us transgender and I have been able to enjoy jeans again too.  It is between our ears where the big changes are real and affirming IMO.

It took me decades to get here and I am happy to acknowledge a better and more resourceful trans community that can now assist us when we just can't do it the old way "any more."

I went very slowly. I was on hrt until I couldn't pass as a boy if I wanted to. It was important to me that I was able to "pass" before I transitioned socially.

I think every trans person on this forum has hit a point where they must take action, even if the action is as simple as joining this community to have a support group to talk to. Then some of us reach a point where we have had it, and must come out to friends and family. Some hit their limit and say, "I can't live this way anymore! I must start HRT!". "Enough with the body/facial hair." "Only female clothing from now on! I don't care what others think! What I think truly matters!" "I have had it with my masculine face/flat chest/penis and I am going to save up and do something about it!"

Some of us get fed up with our entire past, our families, our friends, our SOs.

Some MTFs are more prone to dysphoria than others, some have more capacity to deal with dysphoric bouts than others. But every single one of us in here has hit a point where we became fed up with something, and decided to make a change. The entire process of transition is one of giving things up to make room for things that are new.

I live in this state pretty much every day. I trust my need to be female about as much as I trust my need to remain male, which is to say, I don't.

I can slowly feel my resistance dissolving day by day.
Before HRT it was I'll never be able to do this but I so need to try. Now it is 50/50 after 3 months as the E soaks through me penetrating those hard to reach places. I am sure in a few more months there will be absolutely no second thoughts about it and he will be just a distant memory. Will I reach a point that I just can't face presenting as him? Perhaps sooner than I think.
I'm still scared but I know I never want to go back.

J

"do you just get to the point and say I can't do this any more"

I have to admit, the question sounds like 'do you think you can't be TG any more?'.

But it appears you meant, is there a point where you can't deny being TG any more?

I suppose I am lucky. I realized I was not entirely male I guess like 1 and a half years ago. Then it dawned on me months later, my whole assumption I was ever male at all was flawed thinking and that came as something of an eye opening experience for me. My transition took me hours, not days weeks or months.

I made NO effort to hide this news. I couldn't care less who has a problem with my being TG. Sure I was worried about mom. wife and son and a few key friends. It's logical to worry. I was lucky they remained.

I have never been a wishy washy person when it comes to critical life choices though. It's not my way. I am not always right, but I am always confident. I suppose my level of confidence sometimes takes people off guard. I can't help that though.

Nope the ONLY think keeping me from being TG earlier n my life, was a lack of awareness earlier in my life.
The only thing that has prevented anyone in my life being fully aware that I am a woman, is not everyone reads my Facebook blatherings :)

As per everything else, it varies from person to person. Do what is best for you-whatever it might be. I personally jumped in pretty quickly...but there were a lot of factors at play. If your gut is telling you to take more time, follow that intuition. Let your emotions be your guide, cut yourself some slack & be patient w/ yourself. This too shall pass...it gets better! :icon_hug:

I dunno I just constantly feel this need to present as female , like Im on a point that I just dont find any reason to continiue present as a guy , it just hurts me too much... :-\

Id rather present as a not that beautiful girl than a wierd feminine looking guy/boy I dunno... :-\

Getting to the point of outward transition (for want of a better term).  2014 will be a year of much change.

At the moment, it just feels right.  Skin is much softer, boobs doing well, mood much better.  Told my kids formally yesterday (17 & 18 - no great shock).  Daughter just doesn't want to have the smallest boobs in the house ::)
However, I am taking it very slowly and want to let E do its thing since I haven't been on HRT for very long. I accept I will not be a very pretty woman, just like the millions already walking about the planet.

So, home is largely sorted for now.  Work is a different issue.  Need a lot more work on hair (head - missing most of it), wardrobe and most of all between the ears! Yay therapy :)

I've hit that point, but that's so many variables that I don't know ofi can just say eff it and go full time. Not on HRT, but I've been trying Oh so desperately to. Of course, that's not a requirement for being full time but whatever.

A few weeks ago I threw out 1/2 of my cloths.

I need jeans.

Quote from: EmmaD on December 27, 2013, 06:14:38 PM
Yay therapy :)

I second this! Thank God for therapy!

I just think after awhile its just going to snap after all the lifetime cumulation of experiences that you have to be you instead of just living in the constant fight against oneself.

Quote from: FalsePrincess on December 27, 2013, 06:10:32 PM
I dunno I just constantly feel this need to present as female , like Im on a point that I just dont find any reason to continiue present as a guy , it just hurts me too much... :-\

Id rather present as a not that beautiful girl than a wierd feminine looking guy/boy I dunno... :-\

I just recently had a lightning bolt epiphany. It's not like out of the blue, I was struggling with for years. I was always uncomfortable as a man but now that I'm more sure it has become unbearable. I am acting more and more feminem in life but like falseprincess i hate how people just perceive me as an effeminate male or gay (in a cis male sense)

I had not planned on going full time, but after I changed my name I went on vacation.  When I returned to work I never looked back.

That's pretty much how I began transitioning- with a sudden snap, a deliberate right-corner into my new life.

I had been at an archaeological field school over the summer, and I was very happy and in my element.  I was a bearded, Colorado mountain-man, helpful, needed, friends with everyone.  But when I got back to school, all the people I had made friends with in field school drifted rapidly away, and I couldn't keep their friendship.  After a really stressful meeting of the university's anthropology society, where these old friends didn't even want to talk to me, where I was an outsider, when I came to a number of realizations.

First, I was completely socially anonymous.  The only people who I could talk to were my sister, my dad, and one or two online friends. 
Second, I was incapable of socializing in a male paradigm, and this was causing me anguish, as I just lurked on the edges of conversation, not having the assertiveness to insert myself in except clumsily or awkwardly.

With these two combined, pondering, agonized in the middle of the night, I suddenly connected the two.  Because of my social anonymity, no one would care what I did with myself or my gender, and because of that I could become a woman and go with my true personality.  Without a second thought, I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, and shaved off my beard, which I had defended and worn so proudly, and, well, never looked back.

It may have been building up over the years, as I had been confiding with increasing frequency that I wished I was a girl.  But I never thought I had any illusions about my masculinity, until that night, when it suddenly just cracked in two, like a cinderblock to a martial-artist's forehead.

So, yeah.  I just suddenly got to the point where I said to myself, "I can't do this any more."

To a point! I used to wear business shirts to work.. like. Dress. I suppose. I've given those away. I don't want them. I stopped wearing them, seeing myself in them. I usually wear a girls hoodie, female jeans, and my shoes aren't particularly masculine.. Save for when its cold out, I'm goiing to be outside then I opt for boots...  My shoes are interestingly.. actually mens shoes, but they are such a color and design they look like girls sneakers.


I don't think it was "I can't" for me but simply "I won't."

Subtle but great point.

There is remarkable power when you say, "I will not do...". No need to argue or complain, or feel victimized. We yield the power to show people how we expect to be treated. It does not need to be strident. Just true.

Thank you for your post.

Quote from: Isabelle on December 27, 2013, 03:55:49 PM
I went very slowly. I was on hrt until I couldn't pass as a boy if I wanted to. It was important to me that I was able to "pass" before I transitioned socially.

yea, I think I'll hold off a little longer until I look more like my avatar

Quote from: stephaniec on December 28, 2013, 04:55:03 PM
yea, I think I'll hold off a little longer until I look more like my avatar

Careful. I hear the transition from color to black and white can be painful.

Quote from: Tori on December 28, 2013, 05:28:26 PM
Careful. I hear the transition from color to black and white can be painful.

yea, it might be easier now I added some color

Quote from: Tori on December 28, 2013, 05:28:26 PM
Careful. I hear the transition from color to black and white can be painful.

Yes, there is an important story about a girl from Kansas flying in a tornado, landing and killing a witch and experiencing the colors of OZ. ;)

Quote from: stephaniec on December 27, 2013, 03:21:22 PM
I'm at the point where I have been on HRT going on 4 months. My face is changing a little, my breasts aren't a problem, looking quite feminine. Each day I feel the estrogen surge through my veins,  I feel I'm getting bolder. I don't have many male cloths because I've been slowly paring  down since starting transition. I feel like putting the male stuff in the center of my apt. and vomiting on them. sorry for the graphics. I have to do this. I was sitting in a coffee house last night and this transgender walked by the window .I don't know her personally but I've seen her in the neighborhood for the last 5 years. She walked by the window and looked me in the eyes and there was this recognition that we were the same. She has been public for quite a while. Do others just reach that point where they just can't do the male thing any more and just kind of snap and do it.

Yes ma'am your just about there! When you say screw it and just live. I found myself at this point once I told EVERYONE that I was transitioning. Once everyone knew there was no point on holding back the inevitable just gotta do it! I set a time table of being on HRT to make my fulltime date which was 6 months.  :angel:

Yup. Happened 3 months ago. The immediate result: full time. And when I had to son a man suit again three months later... I had the vomit face at the shop while buying it.

Basically, that's how I transitioned. Once I popped, that was it.

Victoria, if I have been a member here longer than you, doesn't that mean I can insist you change your first name? :D

I recently popped into a mindset where I feel good enough about myself to let myself shine through. It is crazy cool.

Quote from: Tessa James on December 28, 2013, 06:08:47 PM
Yes, there is an important story about a girl from Kansas flying in a tornado, landing and killing a witch and experiencing the colors of OZ. ;)

I never go near tornados

I'm getting closer and closer to going FT. Today I went shopping for clothes and shoes with my mom. Went all around the mall, several stores in a strip-mall, and then to Walmart. NOBODY looked at me funny or said anything as I was trying on heels and putting women's clothes up to myself to check the size. No reactions whatsoever. I also passed by a zillion mirrors, and I never once saw a guy in them. And carrying my purse, I noticed the strap was pushing between my tits, making them more obvious. I even got ma'am'd by the guy taking my lunch order, and I was in 'guy-mode' (yes, with a purse, but still.... ). Then the nail in the coffin, I went into the guy's section and found a pair of jeans that were supposed to be my size. The waist came up just below my tits! I had shrunk a bit even before HRT (maybe I wanted it bad enough xD ) and a 30 inseam USED to fit me before that. Now I'd need at least a 28, which I couldn't find. So guy jeans are just too big for me! :) I got a pair of women's jeans and they fit great. So I figured out all my clothing and shoe sizes, and I'm about to order more stuff. I originally wanted to go FT on my birthday so I could go to Miami for spring break dressed comfortably, but I still need to lose more weight. Wanted to wait to get a whole new wardrobe until I was in better shape. But now that I'm getting a little and a little, I just want all my clothes to be female clothes. Guy clothes are just getting too depressing, especially switching back and forth. And if today is any evidence, I'm starting to think guy-mode is just pointless. So it's looking more and more likely that I will go FT on my birthday. :)

Quote from: Tori on December 28, 2013, 07:03:07 PM
Victoria, if I have been a member here longer than you, doesn't that mean I can insist you change your first name? :D

I recently popped into a mindset where I feel good enough about myself to let myself shine through. It is crazy cool.

I've been here since 2010 so, if your profile is telling the truth, I'm older than you in that way. ;D ... and no, my mom gave me this name before I was born (yay hormonal tests in the womb!!) so I'm keeping it. On a funnier note, I go by 'Tori' to friends who've known me for a long time. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Enjoy the ride on the crazy train, lady. It's a pretty neat thing to go through.

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on December 28, 2013, 08:40:38 PM
I've been here since 2010 so, if your profile is telling the truth, I'm older than you in that way. ;D ... and no, my mom gave me this name before I was born (yay hormonal tests in the womb!!) so I'm keeping it. On a funnier note, I go by 'Tori' to friends who've known me for a long time. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Enjoy the ride on the crazy train, lady. It's a pretty neat thing to go through.

Noooooooo!

Ok, you get to pick my name.

True story time. If I were born female, I would have been given one of the few names I can not use as a trans person... Amanda. A man duh! Gaaaa!

Can't you just settle on Vickie?

Yes, that moment where everything changes did happen for me kind of. It wasn't fully under my control - I was living two lives, one at work, and one outside. But I call that part-time point the moment where it all changed.

From there it only took a week before I couldn't go to work any more in my failing boy mode. I spoke to my boss, said that I wasn't comfortable playing a male role any more, and asked to work remotely. And I kind of said that I'd come in as my female self if they didn't approve that. It was approved, and I went full-time :D.

Quote from: Ashey on December 28, 2013, 08:36:04 PM
I'm getting closer and closer to going FT. Today I went shopping for clothes and shoes with my mom. Went all around the mall, several stores in a strip-mall, and then to Walmart. NOBODY looked at me funny or said anything as I was trying on heels and putting women's clothes up to myself to check the size. No reactions whatsoever. I also passed by a zillion mirrors, and I never once saw a guy in them. And carrying my purse, I noticed the strap was pushing between my tits, making them more obvious. I even got ma'am'd by the guy taking my lunch order, and I was in 'guy-mode' (yes, with a purse, but still.... ). Then the nail in the coffin, I went into the guy's section and found a pair of jeans that were supposed to be my size. The waist came up just below my tits! I had shrunk a bit even before HRT (maybe I wanted it bad enough xD ) and a 30 inseam USED to fit me before that. Now I'd need at least a 28, which I couldn't find. So guy jeans are just too big for me! :) I got a pair of women's jeans and they fit great. So I figured out all my clothing and shoe sizes, and I'm about to order more stuff. I originally wanted to go FT on my birthday so I could go to Miami for spring break dressed comfortably, but I still need to lose more weight. Wanted to wait to get a whole new wardrobe until I was in better shape. But now that I'm getting a little and a little, I just want all my clothes to be female clothes. Guy clothes are just getting too depressing, especially switching back and forth. And if today is any evidence, I'm starting to think guy-mode is just pointless. So it's looking more and more likely that I will go FT on my birthday. :)

that's what I need . a bunch of clothes. and to lose weight

I really fear shopping for clothes. I fear I will become addicted. Also no telling how much my sizes will change. Panties only for now... I feel a bra coming on soon.

Quote from: Tori on December 28, 2013, 08:45:39 PM
Noooooooo!

Ok, you get to pick my name.

True story time. If I were born female, I would have been given one of the few names I can not use as a trans person... Amanda. A man duh! Gaaaa!

Can't you just settle on Vickie?

Given that I've legally changed my name to Victoria Mitchell, that would be a bit counter intuitive. Given that I'm well known in the world as Victoria and Tori... no.  :P

Quote from: SammyRose on December 28, 2013, 08:47:37 PM
Yes, that moment where everything changes did happen for me kind of. It wasn't fully under my control - I was living two lives, one at work, and one outside. But I call that part-time point the moment where it all changed.

From there it only took a week before I couldn't go to work any more in my failing boy mode. I spoke to my boss, said that I wasn't comfortable playing a male role any more, and asked to work remotely. And I kind of said that I'd come in as my female self if they didn't approve that. It was approved, and I went full-time :D.

I see what you mean the failing boy mode when I look in the mirror

Quote from: stephaniec on December 28, 2013, 09:01:57 PM
I see what you mean the failing boy mode when I look in the mirror

Yup. Was not comfortable at the time, but funny now. I got more weird looks and stares in boy mode than I've had being myself now.  :laugh:

Ummm, there was a period when I thought that I was entering that stage. Now... I dont really care that much anymore. Well, there are items and colours which I try to avoid but I am stuck into some kind of mixture between male and andro mode and it is ok for me now (I dont have adequate wet winter female overalls atm and I kinda ignore that my windbreaker is waaaaay to big and is sometimes flapping on my sides). So, for the time being - I just spice things up with female belts, tight jeans. ambiguous hats and accessories :).

Quote from: Tori on December 28, 2013, 08:54:57 PM
I really fear shopping for clothes. I fear I will become addicted. Also no telling how much my sizes will change. Panties only for now... I feel a bra coming on soon.

Clothes were part of it for me.  I had done years of limited cross dressing but not until this time last year did i allow myself to do the whole outfit.  They fit too well and felt so right and that was one of my "can't go back anymore" moments.

Perhaps like our Tori i feared shopping for several reasons and literally needed my hand held at the thrift store.  OMG now i love shopping and have easily spent more on clothes in the last year than in my entire life.  Yes, do fear the addiction, it's real and contagious!

Quote from: Tessa James on December 29, 2013, 12:49:00 PM
Clothes were part of it for me.  I had done years of limited cross dressing but not until this time last year did i allow myself to do the whole outfit.  They fit too well and felt so right and that was one of my "can't go back anymore" moments.

Perhaps like our Tori i feared shopping for several reasons and literally needed my hand held at the thrift store.  OMG now i love shopping and have easily spent more on clothes in the last year than in my entire life.  Yes, do fear the addiction, it's real and contagious!

that would be quite interesting being let loose in a mall will a credit card that magically refilled itself

Quote from: stephaniec
that would be quite interesting being let loose in a mall will a credit card that magically refilled itself

Now if we only had a nickel for every time "magic" was used on this site Susan wouldn't need subscribers or donators ;)

I would gladly use someone else's cc, if they'd let me.

Heh, I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a wardrobe today.

If I had money I'd do it and repay.
Darn being poor.

Being female is difficult, time consuming expensive and painful.

It cracks me up, what cis women go through to look the way they do... and they are the fairer sex!

Sometimes I just go, "WTF was I thinking?". But each baby step is SO much fun!

Quote from: Tori on December 29, 2013, 02:13:27 PM
Being female is difficult, time consuming expensive and painful.

It cracks me up, what cis women go through to look the way they do... and they are the fairer sex!

Sometimes I just go, "WTF was I thinking?". But each baby step is SO much fun!

yea I agree Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd get here. For one thing I didn't know how. Then things all of a sudden happened and I'm here.

I generally have had incidents of expressing femininity, as well as having feminine attributes and traits since I was around 10. These were isolated and seemingly insignificant at first, but have grown over the decades until they suddenly became noticeable and  I had to address them. Soon as I started accepting and addressing the crossdressing, I then began exploring the other aspects, which led to further revelations and discoveries about myself.

I feel like my femininity has been like a rust which has slowly gathered under my masculinity until it suddenly breaks through the surface layer of paint - consciousness - and has revealed the corroded-through male identity which is full of holes and very fragile. I wasn't aware of the rusting until I started paying attention to who I was and wanted/needed to be.

The final push from within which seems to have caused a collapse in my male identity and embracing of a more female one, was when I realised that everything that I am as male - I hate (except for being attracted to girls and having a high metabolism :p ).

These were the major stress points that acted as a hammer to the fragile piece of rusted metal that was and is my male identity:

I received shirts for my birthday instead of prettier items I wanted and realised that this would continue for the rest of my life unless I actively told people that I didn't want male clothes. The shirts symbolised what I feel is the crushing conformity of presenting as male and why it just isn't me. Nor is looking like a long-stringy haired bohemian guy or a short-haired effeminate looking guy who people might mistake as gay. Neither are me, and not the look I am going for.

I saw a video of myself taken by a friend, and how I look is completely different to how I feel I should look. I saw a gawky awkward looking thin yet well-toned man with receding hair wearing men's clothes that don't fit, developing horrible rough skin and ugly male fat distribution. It felt and feels humiliating just to look like an average but slim and fit 28 year old guy. It just feels very weird and sad, despite the fact that I'm actually in good condition for my age.

And finally, I realised that I feel angsty and angry when in relationships with straight women as they never let me be anything other than a plain, standard-issue male. And to play that part I also have the privilege of paying for their pretty things. I'm fed up with having to be the one to dole out the the attention, the money and the energy to relationships with women when in return they expect me to be content with a bit of half-hearted intimacy, some bland shirts, the odd cuddle and their assumptions that I'm a dumb male animal. I don't approach sex like a guy, I approach it like a woman my girlfriends have told me. This another aspect to me that just isn't like other guys.

So all in all, I realised that I'm labouring under a gender that A: I've never really understood or properly felt part of and B: doesn't work for me anyway.

That's when the penny dropped for me and I thought "Ohhhh bugger, this has never worked being a guy, so why are we still here as one..."

:p Just incase that all got a bit heavy.... here is a video of a baby chinchilla in a toy shopping trolley. Happy New-New Year's Eve!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMpl5rMDVvA

I am feeling really worn down about trying to act male. I ve been trying to work so hard at being male but its getting harder. My desire to be female and act feminine is getting stronger. I am scared and feel a failure in some respects. A coward as well. Ashamed of myself.
I wonder if I could ever be perceived and accepted as female. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.
I have had a horrid year which saw me off work for two weeks, on antidepressants for a few months and referred to a psychologist who I saw a few times.
I built up a good trust with the psychologist and but I just couldnt bring myself that to open up and tell her that I feel female on the inside. So scared of opening a pandora's box.

One word of advice: don't wait to buy clothes that feel right just because you intend to lose weight. Remember: except for transitioning women, EVERY woman's wardrobe is 100% used most of the time, except when they add a couple of new items. So do yourself a favor and pick up a full wardrobe that fits from thrift and second hand shops, then add an item at a time as your body and style changes. It's what you'll be doing the rest of your life, because women's bodies and styles are always changing.

Ever since I put my foot down and said it's either now or never, I've been feeling the same. Being on HRT for the past 15 mos has made me anxious to toss all my boy clothes in the trash. I'd do it to but until I've had electrolysis and full body laser I just can't. If that wasn't my road block I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm at a point where I can't do it anymore. But I know that I have to be patient and do what's best and makes me the most comfortable proceeding forward.

The things we have to give just to be us....Sigh

Yes, definitely! I tried to deny who I really was for the better part of the last decade, but then I came to accept myself for who I am a few years ago. Then, within the past few months, I got to the point where I couldn't stand to wait around doing nothing any longer, so I started coming out to people who I knew would be accepting, and began wearing more feminine clothing. First just in my room of my shared apartment, then as I became bolder I began to go out dressed somewhat femininely, or at least in gender neutral clothing. Now I'm at the point where I really want to tell my family and the rest of my friends about myself. Unfortunately though, I can't yet, but I can feel myself getting closer and closer to the day when I will come out to them.

Quote from: delyth ann on December 29, 2013, 11:08:48 PM
I am feeling really worn down about trying to act male. I ve been trying to work so hard at being male but its getting harder. My desire to be female and act feminine is getting stronger. I am scared and feel a failure in some respects. A coward as well. Ashamed of myself.
I wonder if I could ever be perceived and accepted as female. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.
I have had a horrid year which saw me off work for two weeks, on antidepressants for a few months and referred to a psychologist who I saw a few times.
I built up a good trust with the psychologist and but I just couldnt bring myself that to open up and tell her that I feel female on the inside. So scared of opening a pandora's box.

that's exactly how I was for so long . but once that lid comes off it's so much better

Quote from: MadelineB on December 30, 2013, 12:43:47 AM
One word of advice: don't wait to buy clothes that feel right just because you intend to lose weight. Remember: except for transitioning women, EVERY woman's wardrobe is 100% used most of the time, except when they add a couple of new items. So do yourself a favor and pick up a full wardrobe that fits from thrift and second hand shops, then add an item at a time as your body and style changes. It's what you'll be doing the rest of your life, because women's bodies and styles are always changing.

yea, good idea, it will give me some thing fun to do and definitely push me over the edge.

That's what happened to me.

The breaking moment? It was two years of carefully 'getting out' and self examination (and other 'ignored' indicators of my life which were blocked out for years, and uncovered in therapy), visiting the TS discussion group my therapist ran, and finally realizing that this is 'not going away, and is very real". Tortured and engaged by the new path sitting right in front of me..one night it had built to an angry head. I took a two o'clock walk in the morning through my 'hood. All I could remember myself saying was: "I gotta do this..I have to do this...I have to get through this" I cried like hell on that walk. I was totally frustrated..did not know how the hell I was going to accomplish this feat, but I came home resolved. I'll never forget that walk. At two am..I wrote my closest friend in England.

My little brother was next. I said to him..'hey..I'm going through a sex change'..to which he replied..'wow, okay..well, uhh..good luck with that. He has worked to guard over and protect me ever since.

I began working outward from there, secretly building my support circle one person at a time, starting with the ones I knew would not reject me (my father threatened to move of the home he built..to Canada!). I saved all the known a-holes who would be difficult toward me (for months or a year later), for after several protective circles were ringed about me.

HRT was next. I nervously started hormones, wondering how I'd ever pay for all this. I then freaked out when I got a lucrative job on a very popular national tv show..hired as male..(with quickly developing breast buds). Were it not that I had to wear a kevlar vest whenever working, I would have been outed and fired ASAP. Lucky for me, I was able to find a ladies medium vest in the production office (lol, trim and sexy, and never used by anyone, or sweated in by dudes!)..and hide in my hotel room for the ten weeks. I was never to be seen without the protective covering of that damn vest. That part was really tense. I scored the cash to move onward. I got the hell out of there.

I got offered (as a male) a full time job (salary/benes) at a very protective place. I finally saw the way. I was now an unbridled fire about to burn like magnesium. I was in the catbird's seat ~ in charge of my transition and my identity, finally. I had my three-piece pressed for the last time in my life. I wore that damn thing for the interview, jokingly told them to get a good look (amongst quizzical responses)..and took the job.

Very soon, my boobs were plainly showing. I had already donned their trimmer and sexier female styled work shirts, six months earlier (I had keyed access to the uniform cabinet!). I subsequently got told by my workmates I had the female shirt on..(who began wondering/gossiping and candidly asking my lesbian friends for my alternate name) to which I readily replied, "I know, it really fits and feels great!". They just laughed rolled their eyes.

Then my name change got approval from the courts. The new task was instructing my employers on how they are to handle this, and then staying the hell out of the way while every one absorbed this news. I felt that they were relieved, because everyone was already wondering for a year..what my issues actually were.

But yes, sorry about the life story (I love to type)  :P..but that walk was surely a break over point. It was a pinnacle, and decisive moment.

Dysphoria broke me. It got strong at a time when I wanted something my problem was preventing (to lose weight and be healthy again). That coupled with the strongest dysphoria I've had while ITC and fat, tore down my wall. Those walls don't just go back up. I thought I could be a man with walled off femininity (and lots of feminine activities - I could "do" feminine 'cause I don't see gender roles in things like cooking and cake making). It just didn't last. It's not something that can last if you're transgender, IMO. That just doesn't work... at least not for me.

I'm sure there's a breaking point curve... dysphoria vs. tolerance (of the dysphoria). My dysphoria went up at the same time that my tolerance went down and my wall shattered. August 5th... the emotions came back (yay) and the stiff backed facade fled (yay)... and I've been dealing with the aftermath since (awww).

Quote from: livinit on December 30, 2013, 01:31:28 PM
That's what happened to me.

The breaking moment? It was two years of carefully 'getting out' and self examination (and other 'ignored' indicators of my life which were blocked out for years, and uncovered in therapy), visiting the TS discussion group my therapist ran, and finally realizing that this is 'not going away, and is very real". Tortured and engaged by the new path sitting right in front of me..one night it had built to an angry head. I took a two o'clock walk in the morning through my 'hood. All I could remember myself saying was: "I gotta do this..I have to do this...I have to get through this" I cried like hell on that walk. I was totally frustrated..did not know how the hell I was going to accomplish this feat, but I came home resolved. I'll never forget that walk. At two am..I wrote my closest friend in England.

My little brother was next. I said to him..'hey..I'm going through a sex change'..to which he replied..'wow, okay..well, uhh..good luck with that. He has worked to guard over and protect me ever since.

I began working outward from there, secretly building my support circle one person at a time, starting with the ones I knew would not reject me (my father threatened to move of the home he built..to Canada!). I saved all the known a-holes who would be difficult toward me (for months or a year later), for after several protective circles were ringed about me.

HRT was next. I nervously started hormones, wondering how I'd ever pay for all this. I then freaked out when I got a lucrative job on a very popular national tv show..hired as male..(with quickly developing breast buds). Were it not that I had to wear a kevlar vest whenever working, I would have been outed and fired ASAP. Lucky for me, I was able to find a ladies medium vest in the production office (lol, trim and sexy, and never used by anyone, or sweated in by dudes!)..and hide in my hotel room for the ten weeks. I was never to be seen without the protective covering of that damn vest. That part was really tense. I scored the cash to move onward. I got the hell out of there.

I got offered (as a male) a full time job (salary/benes) at a very protective place. I finally saw the way. I was now an unbridled fire about to burn like magnesium. I was in the catbird's seat ~ in charge of my transition and my identity, finally. I had my three-piece pressed for the last time in my life. I wore that damn thing for the interview, jokingly told them to get a good look (amongst quizzical responses)..and took the job.

Very soon, my boobs were plainly showing. I had already donned their trimmer and sexier female styled work shirts, six months earlier (I had keyed access to the uniform cabinet!). I subsequently got told by my workmates I had the female shirt on..(who began wondering/gossiping and candidly asking my lesbian friends for my alternate name) to which I readily replied, "I know, it really fits and feels great!". They just laughed rolled their eyes.

Then my name change got approval from the courts. The new task was instructing my employers on how they are to handle this, and then staying the hell out of the way while every one absorbed this news. I felt that they were relieved, because everyone was already wondering for a year..what my issues actually were.

But yes, sorry about the life story (I love to type)  :P..but that walk was surely a break over point. It was a pinnacle, and decisive moment.

that's a great story congratulations

Quote from: "I'm Stella Stanhope, and that's why I drink". on December 29, 2013, 09:03:58 PM

That's very similar to myself, as is this...

I generally have had incidents of expressing femininity, as well as having feminine attributes and traits since I was around 10. These were isolated and seemingly insignificant at first, but have grown over the decades until they suddenly became noticeable and  I had to address them. Soon as I started accepting and addressing the crossdressing, I then began exploring the other aspects, which led to further revelations and discoveries about myself.

I feel like my femininity has been like a rust which has slowly gathered under my masculinity until it suddenly breaks through the surface layer of paint - consciousness - and has revealed the corroded-through male identity which is full of holes and very fragile. I wasn't aware of the rusting until I started paying attention to who I was and wanted/needed to be.

The final push from within which seems to have caused a collapse in my male identity and embracing of a more female one, was when I realised that everything that I am as male - I hate (except for being attracted to girls and having a high metabolism :p ).

These were the major stress points that acted as a hammer to the fragile piece of rusted metal that was and is my male identity:

I received shirts for my birthday instead of prettier items I wanted and realised that this would continue for the rest of my life unless I actively told people that I didn't want male clothes. The shirts symbolised what I feel is the crushing conformity of presenting as male and why it just isn't me. Nor is looking like a long-stringy haired bohemian guy or a short-haired effeminate looking guy who people might mistake as gay. Neither are me, and not the look I am going for.

I saw a video of myself taken by a friend, and how I look is completely different to how I feel I should look. I saw a gawky awkward looking thin yet well-toned man with receding hair wearing men's clothes that don't fit, developing horrible rough skin and ugly male fat distribution. It felt and feels humiliating just to look like an average but slim and fit 28 year old guy. It just feels very weird and sad, despite the fact that I'm actually in good condition for my age.

And finally, I realised that I feel angsty and angry when in relationships with straight women as they never let me be anything other than a plain, standard-issue male. And to play that part I also have the privilege of paying for their pretty things. I'm fed up with having to be the one to dole out the the attention, the money and the energy to relationships with women when in return they expect me to be content with a bit of half-hearted intimacy, some bland shirts, the odd cuddle and their assumptions that I'm a dumb male animal. I don't approach sex like a guy, I approach it like a woman my girlfriends have told me. This another aspect to me that just isn't like other guys.

So all in all, I realised that I'm labouring under a gender that A: I've never really understood or properly felt part of and B: doesn't work for me anyway.

That's when the penny dropped for me and I thought "Ohhhh bugger, this has never worked being a guy, so why are we still here as one..."

:p Just incase that all got a bit heavy.... here is a video of a baby chinchilla in a toy shopping trolley. Happy New-New Year's Eve!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMpl5rMDVvA

the parent and the kids look like they got up pretty early in the morning to go shpping